Beauty from Ashes

Isaiah 61 says "...To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit." Message Bible



Heard this song on the way home from school the other day, and oh how it fits what is going on in my head right now.  I'll try to not ramble too much.

I know you're probably tired of hearing it, but last year was hell.  Sorry, truly I don't mean to offend.  It was the worst year of my life as a teacher.  I went through the fire and back again with my kids, with colleagues, with administrators, and most of all with myself.  I ended the year feeling like the world's biggest failure.  I've spent so much of this year thinking on how it went last year, wishing I could have been stronger, wiser, more patient, more of something that would have made people like me more and me hate myself less.  Most of all I have felt like a washed-up piece of wasted mass, waste of space, waste of breath, waste of God's time.  I didn't see how I could have done anything good with the time I had last year- I spent most of it (seriously) dealing with kids' serious behavior, emotional, mental, physical needs and very little time (I'm ashamed still to admit it) actually getting much accomplished academically.

Yet as this year has progressed, I slowly began to see growth in some of the kids I taught last year.  Some successes, more smiling, less tears and tantrums.  I have tried to stick with those kids this year, followed up with their teachers, took them out to eat, checked in on them, bought their class candy, snagged them to help me with  projects, taken one out on weekends, bought another a Bible when he got saved & baptized (THANK YOU JESUS!!!).  I have tried to keep telling them what I told them over and over and over last year- "I love you on the good days, and I love you on the bad days.  Nothing you will ever do can change that.  I believe in you, and I know you CAN do great things with your life."

And last week we had the EOG's (end of grade tests).  If you don't have kids or yours are grown, I really cannot do it justice or explain how HIGH pressure these things are. It's insane, truly.  I went up each morning last week and visited my old kids, two especially, to give them one of my big hugs, smile, tease them a little, tell them I loved them and was so proud of them.  I whispered to them to remember when they got tired or frustrated or hit a rough problem/section, to not give up, just take a mental break and keep on going.  That was always the problem last year.  I am still beyond words thrilled at how my school did compared to last year- big growth from our kids!!!! GO KIDS!!!!  And our 4th graders really grew from where they were last year- GO 4th GRADERS!!!!!!  And my two special friends- well I am SO HAPPY with how they did!!!!!  And I hope they always believe what I told them.  Most of all I hope that as they get older they see that the love I had for them was really His love and that He will always love them, never leave them, and always will believe in them and what they can do.  I pray that His love will carry them through the junk in life that will come their way, that has already come their way.  I pray that for all the kids I have taught over the years.  I pray for the ones I didn't touch, and I pray especially for one very hurting boy who moved away and I will never know how it turned out. Oh, how I worry about him.  I pray for him often that in the mess of life, he will have hope and be able to make it.  He represents several hurting kids I have had the privilege of crossing paths with.  Rob and I both have several of "these kids."  We still pray for them and always will. It is my deepest hope and desire that someday I will find in heaven my own three children, and that I will meet all my other "children" that I prayed for all these years.

And my kids this year?  I was blessed, oh so blessed, this year.  I had other issues this year that I didn't see coming- a minor surgery with some complications, a busted ankle, a crummy back, the illness and death of a family member- all causing me to miss more work than I've ever missed.  Thank God for a sweet, good-hearted group of kids!  God knew what I needed after a rough patch.  Many, many times this year I have felt like a failure, and I have lots of things I wish were different about me, about the way my classroom looks (I don't have the perfect, "cute" room), about the way I taught..... but that is me even on a good day. :)  As I sit putting the kids end-of-year movie together, I see photo after photo after photo of smiling, laughing faces.  I hear the little video clips of kids sharing ideas and laughing and talking to each other.  I realize, even on my worst days, I am a pretty good teacher.  (Did you read that Momma mine???? I can say that now!)

And almost as if on cue from Above, a student left me a little surprise on my table today that I found while the kids were at music class.  I sat in my dark classroom (I like to work in the quiet & dark while they're gone) and cried a little.

It's like God spoke to this eight year old's heart and told her what to say to her teacher.  How else would a kid know that her teacher thinks so little about herself most days?  How would a kid who sees me laughing, cracking jokes, teasing kids, and hugging people ALL THE TIME know that inside me is a very insecure person who thinks she is not that hot of a human being?  I am going to keep this note forever with me- maybe frame it and keep it at my table with me.  I had a talk with her on the way to the buses this afternoon to thank her for my note and ask her how she knew that I felt that way.  She reiterated what her note said once again, "It is a goooood thing Mrs. Thomas.  Don't you ever feel bad 'cuz you are a good teacher."  From the lips of God through the hands and mouth of a kid I love.

Thank You God for making something beautiful of me, out of the ashes of a lousy year, out of the hurts and wounds of children I love, out of my feeble efforts, big mouth and loud laughs, out of my joking and teasing and cutting up with kids, out of the million hugs I give away each year.  Thank You for not giving up on me or my kids. Thank You for using this rose (Rebekah Rose) to bring joy to kids, and them to me.