forgiveness

Just a word- forgiveness.  Easy to say, not easy to give.  Heard a song on the way home about forgiveness, and it occurred to me that I have a forgiveness problem.  But what really got me was when I started thinking about it, the person I just can't seem to forgive the most is me.  I wish I knew why.  

So here I am trying, once again, to fight this stupid battle of self-loathing.  I am not perfect, far, far from it.  I am not a holy, spiritual, Christ-like, devoted-to-church, never say a naughty word, never get angry, always happy, pat answer, Bible-verse spouting, "God is good all the time, all the time God is good" (though that may be true) kind of person.

I'm not like some who pride themselves on being calm, cool, collected people who never get uptight or let things get to them.  Someone was telling me about how they are like that, and I left thinking how they probably think I'm a crazy, psycho, nutcase because I am so obviously not like that.  Somehow I felt like less of a person after the conversation, and I really felt like less of a Christian.  :(  I wish I were that person, I really do. But I am not. I wish I didn't, but I do get upset about things I see at school, things that happen in the world.  I cry when I see someone else cry.  I weep when I hear about someone dying or being murdered or raped or other horrible things.  I care about people I've never even met and pray for complete strangers. I hug children - lots and lots and lots of them.  I hug homeless people and strangers.  I have given coworkers kisses on the cheek without thinking and then been embarrassed later because that was probably the most retarded thing I've ever done.  I don't know why I do these dumb things.

I have doubts and ask questions about God, about church, about the Bible, about life.  I don't doubt God is God and that He has it all figured out.  I just wonder a lot of things.  I have never really fit in church, but I really feel like a misfit now (and whether some like it or not, or will agree or not, I really am one).  I recently was asked to go out with someone from church, but after an email back, that offer seems to have vanished in the wind.  I don't even know what I said, and at this point am too embarrassed at what I must have said foolishly, once again, to go back and look at my sent box.  

I feel guilty because I love children, have loved teaching for a long, long time but am just so tired of the politics.  Tired of the way education is going, tired of all the other stuff, and then I feel guilty again because what kind of teacher am I? 

I wish I could just say what my family, friends, counselors and lots of others have said to me.  I wish I could believe it.  I wish people could understand that just because you tell me or give me a compliment doesn't make it so in my head.  But most of all I wish I could forgive me.  Maybe someday I'll arrive there.  I hope so.

And now I have to say I'm sorry because you probably think I'm just a negative person for posting this.  I promise I really am a happy person.  I laugh a lot- a LOT.  I smile and joke around constantly with my "kids" and my family and most of my coworkers.  I just don't like me.  Please don't judge.  I do it enough for you and me.