Hiding from Myself

As I've gone through life I've always tried to hide in the back of the classroom, back of the room, back of the crowd....  now as a teacher I always try to sit in the back of the meeting and no matter the event, I will always be found at the back of it- church, public events... you name it, you'll know where to look for me.

I don't want to be noticed or looked at.  I was this way even before my fat days, but being so large hasn't helped that at all.

Enter my big behind in Zumba class- I hate the wall of mirrors in class and used to hide behind the banners to avoid looking at myself or being as visible to others.  Then they took the banners down and I had to face my reflection or be sure to hide others (that's only so effective when you're twice or three times larger than everyone else in class though).

So I also chose to not wear my glasses to Zumba class so I couldn't really see myself very well if I happened to glance up.  That was stupid though because I couldn't see my instructor quite as well.

This week I made the choice to leave my glasses on and dance my way through class with them on.  I also made myself look at my reflection throughout class.  I don't like what I see but I'm doing it.  I am getting better at not hiding from myself.  I don't have any desire to move up in the crowd, sit in the front of the room, go to the front pew in church and I doubt I EVER will, but at least I am being real with myself, owning who I really truly am more and more and accepting the realities of that too.

R :)