Walk with me please

I have heard so many times, "You have such a pretty face/eyes/smile/complexion/fill-in-the-blank."  I know you mean those compliments, truly.  I know that in your mind it is true.  I accept that and appreciate the thoughts and that you have a good view of me.  

What I wish, though, is that you could see my life through my own experiences and eyes and not the rose-colored glasses you have because you love me and know me as a person.  I know it must be frustrating to love me and care about me and see all the wonderful things a loved one does and then to watch me "tear myself apart" the way I know I do.  It is NOT about self-hatred, though I admit there is a part of me that struggles with that.  It is about the way I feel in the real world I live in and interact with.  

Try going to the store with me or the post office, the doctor's office, or movie theater.  Try to see me the way others do who don't know me, who don't see the hugs I give or the way I interact with kids, or the many other positives that anyone who knows me might say/think about me. Try to see me the way the "public" does.  It isn't me "just being sensitive."  I'm so tired of that!  Sorry to say it and hurt you; I am, though.  

There was a time when I quit going out in public unless I absolutely had to because of the hideous way I felt every time I went to the store or bank or ran an errand.  I was so ashamed of who I had become based only on my size.  This was wrong thinking, but you cannot understand how beaten down one can become when you can't go anywhere without the rude comments, laughter, pointing, stares, or just plain nastiness you get when you are grossly overweight.   God only knows how many photos of me I have had people take on their cellphones.  I'm sure I am probably on the people of Walmart website somewhere if I wanted to look.   Walk with me and watch people move aside like my fat-ness is contagious or so that they can get a better staring or photographic view.  Listen to the ugly, hurtful things people say as if I'm deaf or perhaps deserve to hear their contempt because I'm just a blob, not really a person.  It's like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.  It goes way beyond embarrassed. There are no words for it.  You feel less than human.  It's a hurt that goes deep down inside and stays there when it happens over and over and over.  

I'm not saying I have some excuse for staying a blob- I did this to myself.  I own that and take full responsibility for it.  I am saying I do not feel pretty and honestly am not sure I ever will.  I just wish you could understand that.  I am not asking you to like it or agree, but if you could understand where this comes from, that there are valid reasons for it and try to be patient and accepting of my own self-view, well it'd help a lot.

This has all been sitting in my head the last few days.  Then today I saw an old high school classmate's post and comments regarding this article.   This classmate is an amazing lady.  She teaches children no one else wants to teach in a rough place and does it with this unending God love, and an amazing tenacity to stick with these kids.  She is a mom and seems to be raising three great kids who are going to help make the world a better place.  She organizes fundraisers and collects food, clothes, and other needed items for homeless folks.  I could go on and on about her.  She's always sharing prayer and practical needs for other folks.  She's a TERRIFIC person.  Yet, she shared today that someone made some awful, terrible comments in the presence of her kids about her (called her a nasty fat bitch) just because of her size.  I will bet money that she does more good in ten minutes of her day than most people do all year long or even their whole lives, but I guess because she's obese she's not worthy of kindness either in this person's book.  This post just broke my heart.  I am not alone in this awful experience.  I hate that other people go through this too.  There are so many wonderful people walking around doing good in the world, being kind and loving and helping others who get treated like they are less than the dirt on the ground based on the size of their body.

Whether you want to see it or not, it exists and happens daily to me and to many, many others.  It's very real to us.  It is a deeply personal thing that I've been dealing with for years and years.  I have begun the journey to a healthier me, and with God's help I will get where I need to be.  I hope the inside parts of me will heal and change and grow too; I believe they very much are doing that as well as the outside.  But I hope you can understand and accept that I will never see me the way you do.  I'm sorry that it causes you hurt.  I hope that you can come to terms with who I am, all of me and not take it as a personal thing.

R :)