Rob said this to a friend a few weeks ago. It really bothered me, but I tried to tell myself he was just worried and overexaggerating a little bit his concern and care. But a few days later my older son made a similar comment about wanting me to retire early and take the financial hit that the early retirement here in NC would mean and having me alive vs. struggling through the last few years to full retirement in NC and then dying younger and not having me around. It really hit me hard and has been in my mind and heart a lot- thinking about what they both said.
Then about two weeks ago the stomach pain/ulcer pain came back. I assumed it was just stress from work and when it didn't let up and, in fact, worsened I put myself back on the ulcer meds the GI doctor prescribed me in the fall. Little/ no relief from all that- three different medications plus TUMS. :(
Then last week at an appointment I was stunned when my normally pretty low blood pressure was high- I wasn't expecting that. It shook me up pretty good. So I started monitoring that and followed up with a virtual visit with my primary care provider. She didn't want to start me on anything yet, just monitor it. She felt it was school- stress related and to try to get to the end of the year and see if it improved, monitor it and if it didn't improve or went higher than 140/90 we'd reevaluate. Okay, so I monitored. By Thursday this past week- just three days later, my bp skyrocketed through the day and my trainer was very concerned and wouldn't let me work out. Suggested that I might need to go to urgent care if it got just another point or two higher because it was getting up there too high. So we left the gym with me in tears and went to urgent care. They LITERALLY laughed at me and refused to see me and said, "that's not that high." I left with my head hung down, feeling ashamed/embarrassed/frustrated..... and went home. I cried myself to sleep begging God to not let me die. I want to grow old with Rob and I don't want my grandsons to know the pain of death this young yet, and I don't want to be the one to cause them this hurt this little, besides I want to watch them grow up.
Friday morning when I got up to get ready for school my bp was in the danger zone and we had to go to the ER. It was even higher by the time they got me in and back to a room. The doctor and nurse were quite concerned. My heart tests checked out- no heart attack- they feel strongly that it's stress. Gee, I wonder why this keeps coming up. He asked, "Are you under a lot of stress?" Hmmmm, you think?
So now, on top of the two mental health meds I take (one to try to help me sleep due to the PTSD from a childhood experience and to help lessen the occurrence of the frequent terrifying nightmares I still deal with from it, and one from the anxiety from school), the four stomach medications I am having to take for ulcers & GERD, now I get to add blood pressure medication. So let's count this up, thanks to stress from school, I have added SIX medications to my list just to counter negative health problems that have resulted from stress tearing my body and mind apart this school year.
I feel like a huge failure as a person and a waste of space as a human being. I should be tougher than this. I want to be a strong person. I don't want to be a wimp. I'm tired of my body falling apart- bum shoulder, shitty stomach, weak mind, and now my heart/blood pressure can't take it either.
Maybe Rob is right- this job is literally, killing me.
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