Thank you God for a good life

 I am struggling with severe insomnia.  I've had a lifelong struggle with this since my dad died, and there are times when it is extreme.  At best I sleep 2-3 hours and then catnap the rest of the night between dreams and hot flashes from thyroid medication imbalances.  That's the BEST I sleep; many nights it's nowhere near that much sleep and much more disturbed with nightmares.  I literally, truly, seriously don't know what it's like to get a "full night's sleep."

But that's not the point of this journal entry.  About a week ago I was lying there in the dark wishing I could sleep, trying hard to go to sleep.  The first thing I always do when I wake up and can't get back to sleep is start thanking God for the good things in my life or for His beautiful creation or whatever I can think of that is worth saying thanks for- it's lots.  On a "good" night I will fall asleep thanking Him.

This particular night I stayed awake for a good long time and it occurred to me that I should write these things I was saying down, so here goes.

Dear God, I know into all lives hard times must come, and that this season will eventually pass.  And though life has certainly been bumpy and difficult this past year, I know You are with  me even if I can't always "feel" You in a churchy kind of way.  And in spite of all the challenges that have been coming our way I can honestly say that I have had a good life.  

You've allowed me to:

• be a wife, mom, and now grandma/memaw-  I remember long ago asking you if I could be a wife, mom, teacher.  You've allowed me to be those things.  I am so grateful to You for allowing Rob to come into my life.  He has loved me through so much and after all these years, after all my failings and insecurities and mental health issues, the nightmares and PTSD, going from a thin, prettier young lady to the obese ugliness that I have been most of our married life- his love for me has never failed and only grown.  He helps me understand You more.  I thank you for my children and the two more you gave us through marriage.  I LOVE my kids so very much- there really are not words.  I know I failed them in many ways, but thank you that they are forgiving and still love me. Thank you for the closeness I have with my daughter-in-love, Amy.  She and I have become close, and that was a dream/prayer I had. I so didn't want to have the type of relationship I had with my own mother-in-law.  I am SO thankful for a wonderful relationship with her.  Though I am not as close on a daily basis with Brandon, I know he loves us and how much he loves our daughter.  I thank you God for Brandon too.  He is such a good, gentle, kind-hearted man, and I am proud of him and thankful to be his mother-in-law.  And God, grandma/memaw- oh I do not have enough words to ever express how much that means to me.  I didn't know if I could be a good grandma; You know how scared I was about that!  I didn't know how much your heart could swell and grow when you meet your grandchild for the first time.  The intensity of the love I have for my grandchildren is beyond description.  And in these past few years of teaching, especially the last couple years of hell, God those two little boys have been a lifeline for me that kept me hanging on.  They bring me so much joy and happiness and laughter.  Thank you for allowing me to be a grandma/memaw and to do better this time than I did as a mom.  Thank you for helping me to be intentional and thoughtful and careful about how I grandparent them. Thank you for the family you gave me.
• be a friend and have some friends- some have slipped from my contact altogether but I have known, loved and been loved by a small handful of some very dear-to-me-still people (Tanise, Deb, Amanda, Sue, Kristen, Linda, Katie).  These people saw/see the REAL me and loved me in spite of all the flaws and insecurities and issues I come with.  Thank you for those friendships.
• see the ocean- what a powerful, amazing thing You created! I never thought growing up and living in the Midwest and then struggling as an adult financially that I would ever see it.  I imagined what it must be like to stand on the beach, but when I was finally able to see it, feel it, smell it, sense it with all my senses- God there were no words that could describe its power, immenseness, beauty.  Thank you for allowing me to see the ocean and not just once either but be in a place where I can go visit it from time to time and be reminded of who YOU are.
• see the mountains- another thing I never thought I'd get to do but was a childhood dream of mine. God the immense beauty of the mountains here in my region of the world just speaks to me every time I am able to be in them.  I feel "home" when I visit the mountains.  I have an incredible sense of Your creativity and love when I see them.  I see Your fingers fashioning them, lifting up stone and rock in places and pushing down valleys and river and creek beds.  I see Your artistry and love for wondrous variety, and I am so utterly grateful that, like the ocean, I got to see it not just once but am now able to live close enough to visit the mountains if I want to.  Thank you for the mountains.
• see the beginning of the mighty Mississippi River- what a beautiful place and so amazing to think of that giant, powerful river I grew up near starting as such a small, clear, beautiful stream so far away.  Thank you for allowing me to visit that and be able to take the kids there to see it too.  Those are some wonderful memories I cherish.
• see the Milky Way when I was a child with my dad, and for my dad teaching me to see the Big and Little Dippers.  I think of him with fond memories when I see the stars at night.
• hike and travel through the Smoky Mountains with Rob to celebrate an anniversary milestone- what a wonderful time that was!
• travel across country on a big train adventure with Rob. That was quite an amazing experience, and one I will forever be thankful for.  Again, I saw landscapes I had only imagined and the amazing diversity of Your creation.  I could see Your fingers molding the land and in unique and wondrous ways.  Thank you for a beautiful world You made for us to live in and that it's not all the same and boring but varied and interesting and amazing.
• see a small piece of restored prairie- another childhood wish- so grand and full of diverse plants and animals- I could imagine what the land looked like before we humans changed it so drastically and again cherish what You created.  Thank you for that experience, especially now that I live so far away from that area.
• visit the Southwest- a HUGE childhood dream come true for me!  Again something I had only imagined and could not have really ever understood without visiting.  This trip allowed me to understand a tiny bit more how vast, grand, and just utterly glorious is this world You made.  There were so many sights that just took my breath away, and I was like a little kid on Christmas morning so much of that trip.  Being able to hike in the hot desert, see the red rock stones and mountains of Sedona, driving through desert mountains, seeing an ancient volcano caldera (oh how GORGEOUS that place was), visiting the dwelling places of Native Americans long gone but whose homes are still able to be seen (again another childhood dream and one that moved me to literal tears to be able to actually go see), seeing the Grand Canyon (no words can ever describe that for me), hiking up in the southern Rocky Mountains and looking down at the earth below, walking in the ruins of Spanish forts, learning about the history of people who came before, seeing an old Spanish church that is still used today.... I could go on and on and on about this trip, but I will just say Thank you God for the opportunity to visit more of Your creation and see places I had dreamed about my whole life but never thought I would actually visit.
• love and be loved by so many animals.  Thank you for making me an animal lover.  Thank you, especially for the love of Sammy- I miss him terribly but am so thankful for that day I walked into the animal shelter and You helped me to find him.  I will NEVER forget how happy he was and how excited- so much so that he jumped into my lap while I was trying to fill out the paperwork for him.  He was such a loving, gentle dog.  He forever touched my heart.
• be a lifelong learner- I've learned to crochet and knit- something that has allowed me to make hats, blankets, stuffed animals, and so much more for others- the reason I wanted to learn in the first place. Thank you for helping me to be able to learn to do those!  I've learned to be a gardener and grow food for Rob and I for to share with others.  The garden has been another lifesaver for me, literally.  When I am in the garden I feel like I am with You, tending Your creation.  I often feel You there.  Thank you for allowing me to become a gardener and be always learning more about how to do that.  I have been learning about how to raise and take care of chickens, and oh the fun and joy they have brought us too.  Thank you for that fun! I've learned about history and the people who have come before us and the world we live in and its geography and nature and so many other things.  Thank you for allowing me to continue to learn and grow in my understanding of the world.
• visit Cherokee NC and learn more about the people of the Cherokee Nation as well as being able to visit the Navajo Nation and learn more about them - Learning about Native American peoples is something that is very important to me and I am so grateful you allowed me that privilege.
• get "remarried" with Rob for our 35th anniversary- what a FUN, special thing for us.  Thank you for 35+ years of marriage to a man who loves me more each day/month/year.  Thank you for helping us to stick together through some incredibly challenging and difficult times so we can have "the good stuff."
• watch sprint cars - I LOVED standing there watching those! and Indy cars and IMSA cars with my then boyfriend and now husband :) and be able to watch Rob flag races and do something he loves to do.  It makes me happy seeing him happy. :) 
• see a palm tree- just a cool thing I never thought I'd see.
• see dolphins off the coast on one of our trips- WOW!!!
• go fishing in the ocean with my son and to watch my husband, son and grandson fish there too. 
• walk through small mountain streams & hike in the mountains.
• see hundreds of butterflies around a mountain river.
• drive through the clouds in the mountains.
• see the Vietnam Memorial.
• visit Monticello.
• see thunderstorms build across the plains.
• watch tornadoes from a distance. 
• experience the ferociousness of a tornado (THANK YOU for keeping us safe).
• experience the beauty and stillness of snow many times.
• see expansive fields of corn and soybeans and winter wheat.
• watch the sunrise over farmland and over the ocean and watch the sunset over the water at the coast.
• see & hike through tidal marshland.
• see a blue heron, the Eastern bluebird, the red winged blackbird, the cardinal, robin, vultures/buzzards, Bald eagles, hawks, goldfinches, Carolina wrens.  Especially thank you for the privilege of having Carolina wrens and Eastern bluebirds raise families in my garden, and the baby bunnies that were born in my garden this year too.
• see a rainbow & be reminded of Your promise from long ago.  Thank You for being a promise keeper.
• see two of my children in love and married.
• see my daughter work hard & accomplish her dream of graduating from law school & becoming a lawyer.  She makes me proud beyond words for not giving up on her dream and for her heart for others.
• see my older son become a father and grow into that role.  He makes me proud when I see him teaching his boys about God and gardening and God's creation.
• see my younger son be a man who cares for those the world has forgotten and ignore.  I am so proud of his kind, secret-softie heart.
• see the amazingness of life- being able to see chicks growing inside their eggs and then hatch.
• being able to watch our chicks grow up into hens.
• love and serve and be loved by so many children over 30+ years of teaching.