Busy, Busy Day

It's now midnight on Saturday/Sunday night. We've been busy all day, and I could keep going, but I know I need to start settling down for a good night's rest. :)

Next week is Thanksgiving. My parents and sister are coming to visit. Now, let me say- without my kids here to argue this point with me- we are not just cleaning because company is coming. :) Boy, am I getting paid back for saying that to my mom all my growing up years!!! We always do our housework on Saturdays- even though they seem to forget this when it's convenient; and usually every other Saturday or so is a more in depth cleaning. But as always with me, I've been sort of in the "move & rearrange" mode again- which my family HATES!!! We did some rearranging trying to continue what we started when we made a "computer room" in the front living room. We didn't have enough furniture for both a living room and a family room- only one couch and one chair purchased last year from a fellow teacher for $60. But, Rob didn't really like the room even though it was the practical thing to do, and it didn't really look nice. So we did some more rearranging of furniture today, and it looks a lot better! Plus we had to do this to find a place for my mom's cedar chest she is bringing me; a wonderful treasure to me. Boy, the memories I have of watching my momma pull out hand me downs and special mementos from that thing!!! Today's list of work included:

• the usual housework of dusting, vacuuming, picking up our clutter from the week
• Rob doing a lot of deep cleaning- which doesn't get done like it should with our hectic schedules!!!
• last minute grocery run- Save-a-Lot & Walmart were zoos!!!
• picking up my soon-to-be godson's gift (I'll blog about that tomorrow, needless to say I'm about to become a godmommy & I'm so honored and nervous and excited!!!)
• get some Christmas gifts and materials to make our gifts (thank God for a credit card!)- we will be exchanging gifts with my parents and sister while they're here since we can't go home for the holiday & to save us all on postage next month since none of us really have the extra funds for that
• a quick run to the mall to pick up Robert's last paycheck and to get a haircut
• Barbara had swim team practice today too

So now, it's late, and I have our gift for Noah ready, and we had to wrap our Operation Christmas Child boxes too to take to church tomorrow. Oh, and I got a haircut today- a drastic one! I'm back to short, short hair!!! Boy, will everyone at school be surprised on Monday, and Maria tomorrow, because no one in NC has seen me without medium to longer hair. It was a surprise when I cut off my curls this summer and went to medium length hair!

So I think I'll finally go shower off all this itchy, itchy hair and try to settle down now. I'm so nervous about tomorrow's baptism service for Noah! I sure hope Maria & Tim knew what they were doing when they chose me to be Noah's godmother! I'm such a mess of a person sometimes, but I know that I have prayed for that little guy, and I am so thankful he is here. I'll do my best to be an awesome godmom.

I'm also excited about seeing my family. I've been terribly missing home again- seems like a fall thing for me. I'm also dreading their leaving, knowing I'll be even more homesick when they're gone again. It hurts a lot being way out here without them to go visit & be here for the kids' things. But, at least this year, we'll see them again for Robert's graduation in seven months.

Okay, really now, I'm going to crash. I'll have to blog more later this week as I'll have lots of things to say and emotions to get out, I'm sure!

God, I'm so grateful and appreciative for all You have done for us. And thanks for providing the need I asked you about in Your way and Your time! Even though it's not all taken care of, I know You're watching and will continue to move and provide all that is needed in every life.

Can You Help My Friend?

That is the name of a song I remember from the '80's or so; I always liked that song.

Tonight, it is the prayer of my heart. I have a friend who is under an unbelievable load and has little to no support, from home, from work, from anywhere. There are two of us at school who are trying to be her good friends and help her out as much as we can. I don't know if we are very successful, if we can really make up for all the other stuff, or really what to do.

I know the attempts I have made, have caused more stress in some ways as other people don't like those of who help out. I know what I am trying to do is probably going to cause more heartburn for her & I, but oh well.

So, God please help my friend. You're the only who can.

Miracles

I have often heard my mom talk about the miracles she saw happen in her family. My grandmother instantly healed of a goiter condition after being given just a few months to live. My grandfather whose eye was healed from an accident that would have blinded him had it not been for God. And then, my own Momma, who was miraculously healed from what was probably polio.

I've often wondered about miracles. I've never witnessed any, that I am aware of- not the "instant" kind anyway. But I've also learned that God does what He knows is best and we can't always see His hand at work. Well, I know of two miracles, and I thought I should record them for myself to look back on and for anyone else who wants to read.

Noah- yesterday this little boy celebrated his 9 month birthday. His being alive is a miracle! God used medical technologies, doctors, nurses, and I'm sure his mom & dad could list a lot of other people who have worked and are working with Noah, but in the center of it all- God was with little Noah. I know from my own experiences with Matthew which weren't nearly as long and hard as what the Brooks have faced, that God was with my baby (physically) during his near death time after he was born. Well, I know that God was with Noah too. And yesterday, Noah turned nine months old!!!

Then today, my momma sent an email updating us on our Uncle Ralph's condition. Let me just "copy" my mom's email and put it here.

As you know, Ralph was diagnosed a few months ago with stage 4 lung cancer. We were all surprised as he had never smoked. Doctor said his lungs were full of tumors and the lining of the lung was pulling away from his rib cage. They put in a tube to drain the fluid and told him his lungs were about 3/4 full of fluid. Prognosis was he had six months to a year to live. Once during his chemo treatment he was hospitalized with blood clots. They had to stop giving him one of the chemo drugs because he had a terrible reaction to it.

Last week he finished treatment and had another scan. Yesterday the doctor told them HE IS IN COMPLETE REMISSION!!! There is no sign of cancer in his lungs today!!!! Minnie said the doctor showed them the first scan and then the last. The first scan was dark with tumors and the last scan is COMPLETELY CLEAR! Doctor said he was changing his prognosis from six months to a year to several more years!!!

God, thank you for working miracles in these lives and in the lives of their families. Thank you for healing and extending lives! Thank you for giving doctors, nurses, and others all the incredible knowledge we have. Thank you for the family that gave Noah life through donation of a heart, even though it cost them great pain. Thank you for the people who have been willing to be "guinea pigs" so that others could live as a result of gained knowledge.

Thanks God for life and for your miracles!

Tying a Knot in the Rope....

Lord,
It's me again. It's 10:50 P.M., and I'm no where near ready to put away the school work and head for bed, though I need to. I've had a sinus headache and ear problems for several days now, and the dizzy spells are starting back up as well as earaches and ringing in my ears.

I know You already know, so I'm just spilling my guts to You, Lord. I know within my heart and with everything that is in me, that I was meant to be a teacher. I know it because it comes so naturally to me, and You have blessed me with a special love and ability to talk to, work with, and teach little ones. You have gifted me to be able to work with families, and helped me be able to help them feel comfortable and encouraged- most of them. You have often given me favor with students, families, coworkers, and administrators.

But God, right now, I just don't care anymore, and don't want to step foot in my school ever again! I'm so sick of things and disgusted with myself and everything! I just want to stay home and not go back to school. The last three weeks, I've put my lesson planning off until later and later, and once again it's way too late to be sitting here printing off and finishing things. I just want to be a teacher and plan my lessons and do my thing. I don't want to be a grade level chair, and have to put together agendas for meetings, keep notes and turn them in. I don't want to have to try to "lead" and help our team work together when we can't all even get along and quit talking about each other and being ugly to others when they're not looking. I don't want to fill out surveys and contemplate my "math instruction" because the principal sent us a form because someone else is telling her to. I don't want to be told that I have to put up four or five "displays" and all this busy work because we are being visited/inspected/evaluated by a visiting school, especially when having all those displays up on my wall doesn't make me a good teacher, it just means I have stuff on my walls...

I'm tired of all this other stuff that comes with teaching, Father! I'm sick to death of people thinking that we can do all this stuff and still not have to take all this crap home with us and not work on it all night/weekend. I'm not working on school work like I used to- AT ALL, but then look where it gets me. My room is a wreck, and won't be up to snuff this week for all these visitors! My instruction this year is some of the best I've done, but I feel like everything else is sliding. Why can't we just be teachers and do that?

God, I'm done for tonight. I still have a newsletter to type and print; I need to print off my lesson plans and plans for Erin and Kristen and the things we all three will need this week. I have to make a list of the things I need to run for Erin for her classroom since she doesn't have a teacher. And that's another thing God. "Someone" is upset because I'm helping Erin and sending her my lessons so she can at least teach something. You can't even help people without upsetting others who should be helping also.

But, Father, I'm going to bed now. I've tried to take care of me more this year than ever before. I've tried to spend more time with my family and not work so much on the weekends as I have. I've tried to relax a bit more, but I feel so disorganized and slobbish. And I am torn between trying to knock myself out the next two days, but yet, I can't since I have to leave to pick Barbara and Robert up...

Lord, I know I've been talking to You a lot about school this past month. I'm really trying, Lord, really I am! I hope You can see how much I want to do right and how hard I am trying to please You. Why am I feeling like such a miserable failure? Why am I so disgusted with things? Why do I have to care so much? And, I'm confused Lord too. Cyndi strongly encouraged me to leave the county and go work for a private academy or daycare where she thinks I could make just as good $-wise, but I kind of doubt.... I don't want to quit teaching, Lord. But I want to stay in Your will most of all. If you have a change in plan for me, You'll have to slap me upside the head because I'm kind of dense most of the time Lord.

God, I do love You, and so want to please You. If you could look down and see where I am and somehow send me a sign that I'm doing right by You or show me what I am doing wrong if I am- well, Father, I'd really, really appreciate it! For now, I'm tying a knot on the end of the rope, and just hanging on.

Two Steps Forward...

You know how that saying goes- "Two steps forward, one step back." That' s how life is for a lot of us, and that saying certainly seems to describe our life.

It's true for our finances, for my current efforts at weight loss, for my health, and I'm sure for my view of myself, my relationship with God, and a lot of other stuff. I just keep telling myself that at least in the end it's still a step forward. And, for a lot of these things, it used the be a lot worse, and probably more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back, so at least now I'm going in the right direction. :)

I'm back to exercising some- working on getting back to my regular routine as I was in early September and back to being consistent and my distance/time back too. Tonight, Rob & Robert walked with me three loops around our block which is 1.8 miles. And since there are a couple hills in that route, Rob thinks it's "counts" for more than my old 2 mile walk at the Y. ??? Don't know, but at least I walked longer tonight. Got to get back to doing that and/or the Y again!

Now, if my attitude, checkbook, and feelings would get it together that would be great. But for now, I'm stepping forward and trying not to back step if I can help it.

So until I lose some more weight/inches, I'm your "Big Mama" Thomas :) (I know God has a sense of humor because He made me with one weird one!) :) :) :)

Morning Nothings- Just sitting here thinking

It's Sunday morning. Rob has just left for worship band practice; I hadn't blogged that I don't guess, but Rob has been on the worship team for a little while now. I'm sitting here using Rob's computer watching Matthew sleep on the couch. I didn' t know he had joined us during the night until I woke up early this morning and saw him. I like watching the kids sleep still. It's the only time I can still see "my babies" in them really. Of course, that's funny to say knowing that Matthew is now over 6' 2"! :)

We had dinner with one of the Smith H.S. teachers and her family last night. Mrs. Valleau (Cyndi to Rob & I) was Barbara's freshman English teacher. She is a Christian also, and at least for a while, Barbara really confided in her and she has been a big blessing to Barbara and to us! She was there for Barbara on a few occasions when she really needed someone to love her, listen to her, council her..... Barbara seems to have moved on a little, and I don't think she goes to Cyndi as much (I worry about that but that's another story for another time, perhaps), but she still thinks a lot of her. Anyway, we've had dinner with the Valleau's a couple times, and they're like us. They moved here from out of state, & don't really have any family here. Cyndi has expressed her struggles with homesickness too, and I know she has difficulties at school too from time to time, like me. Cyndi & Justin have a little boy, Ben, who will be 2 next month. He's so adorable!!!!!! We had a good time. Rob and Justin really have similar personalities and their sense of humor seems to run on the same course. Kind of scary, actually! :) They were sitting last night, quoting lines from Cosby, Monty Pythons, and who knows what else, both busting their guts laughing! Robert teased me because I played with Ben while the rest of them were talking "adult" talk about books and stuff. I told him that Ben was more on my level. :)

This was so nice, and I hope we can try to get together with them more often. See we have lots of "friends" if you call people who like you at work or church and people you talk to everyday who you can joke with and talk with. But, we don't really have any "friends" that we can do much with. And this was really so relaxing and fun!!!!!!!! Our lives are wonderful, and I cannot and am not complaining. We have such full & busy lives with the kids and with our work and we are always on the go taking someone somewhere or picking someone up.... But, we don't really have friends to socialize with or just "hang out" or go do something with. Rob and I really just have each other, and that's wonderful and okay too. But it would be so nice to have another couple to be friends with/to. Especially now that our own kids are almost grown up. We should start to try to have a life outside of them, at least I think I\we should. :)

Well, I'm now going to be late for church if I don't fly. Barbara & Matthew aren't even up yet. Of course, Robert has already left for his church. I know it's wrong, but many times on Sunday morning, I just wish I could stay in this chair or in my bed (when I could sleep in it) and relax, read, snooze, just stay in my jammies and be lazy. It's not that I don't love God, I am just really tired!

Well, Happy Sunday, world. And God, I'm coming; I'll be in Your house to worship You. Just got to get going here don't I? :)

A Need

God, there is a need right now that needs to be met. Will you please provide all that is needed in the situation and work in Your mighty way?

My Bed

Last night I slept in my bed. This may be no earth-shattering concept or announcement to everyone else, but having been unable to do that due to a back injury, and sleeping in a recliner since the end of September, it felt so good to climb into my bed without any pain and go to sleep. Aaaahhh.

Of course, I woke up early this morning, and I was hurting, but oh well.... It was nice for a while anyway!

Halloween

The kids were supposed to go with the youth group on Halloween to "trick or treat" for canned goods for the homeless shelter. While Rob was taking them there, I was feeling a bit melancholy watching all the kids go by in their costumes and remembering all the years we went with our kids and all the fun we had. I'm enjoying the kids more than I ever did, and my momma was right about the kids being a lot of fun as teens, but I was just missing my "little ones" a bit.

Then Rob came back home with the kids who had apparently missed the announcement to be there early (classic kid moment!). They came home with oreos & milk for a Thomas family tradition. It made me feel a lot better! They may be teens, but we still are a close family, and they still love their parents. :) :) :)

The Thomas tradition- for YEARS now, we have come home from trick-or-treating, had oreo cookies and made "grinch milk" or "pumpkin milk" with food coloring, and watched a Dr. Seuss video- "Grinch Night." I found this video when the kids were little, and it was a "scary" movie when they were little. :) Robert has specifically asked the last two years if we're still going to do our Halloween tradition. We were talking about it on Halloween night, and he was saying how important this was to him..... It made me feel so good. Rob whispered to me that maybe the kids would carry on this one with their families. This got me to thinking, and I made an announcement to all three kids. When they have their own families, we will have to have a set time that everyone ends their trick-or-treating and comes to Grandpa & Grandma's house for oreos & milk & Grinch Night. Now that would be really, really neat! I hope they will be close enough to do that!

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it?

Today was another day of me somehow torquing off some of my coworkers. I sent an email asking them when we could get together to discuss some things. Our day we had set aside has been not working out with other meetings and this Wednesday is a staff workday. I know everyone is going to be trying to get report cards done.... I honestly didn't mean anything but once again, I apparently was rude and ugly.

So, over the weekend I got a series of emails and then today another one from someone else. I just seem to hurt people's feelings, make them feel unwelcome, and I don't know what all. There were some ugly things said in the email today, and I'm so confused.

I am really upset because over the weekend & again this morning on my way to work I prayed and asked God to help me to keep a right attitude, protect my heart from being too sensitive, guard my mouth from being offensive or saying things I shouldn't. I have tried to just be quiet this year and mind my own business & stay out of the rumor mill after someone gossipped last year and a former coworker was hurt at me. This gets me in trouble. Then when I speak up, that backfires too.

I've emailed my boss and told her that I want out of the grade level position, but I doubt she will let me. I'm ready to tell her that I quit. And, though, I adore Kindergarten & my kids I've taught at AJE, I am thinking it's time I go to another school or another grade. I don't know. All I do know is that I have never had this much trouble getting along with anyone before. And, though there have been people I have worked with who didn't much like me/nor me like them, I've never had this much trouble working alongside someone in spite of it. Most people think I'm nice and friendly and considerate, but apparently I am rude and unkind and unfriendly to most of my grade level. And I don't even know it.

God, what am I doing wrong and why? How do I fix it? Because to be honest, now, my feelings are so raw, I am so paranoid about doing anything or saying anything to anyone, and I really am starting to not like people that I had once liked. I don't want that to happen. I want to like everyone in my building. Please change my heart, my mind, my attitude, my actions, words, and deeds to be pleasing to You and to mend this situation. If I need to just "eat crow" which I've tried to do by apologizing two million times, I'll do it again. I don't mind; I really don't have any pride to swallow, so it's not a problem. What do I do God?!?!?

Please rescue me from this mess, Lord. I know I don't deserve it, but You died for me and I am Your child. Please Father, will you help me to get through this situation? And if I've done wrong, please reveal it to me and forgive me. I keep asking You, but I just get more and more confused.
I want to run away Father. I want to hide and never go back. If it weren't for Kristen counting on me for student teaching, I'd just start looking for another job right now.

His Last Race

Robert is a cross country runner. He didn't always run. In fact when he was a little boy, he was kind of an awkward runner. Then in kindergarten, he started having a lot of leg pain; for a while I thought it was "growing pains" like I used to get because he was growing by leaps and bounds that year. At least I thought that until one morning when he woke up and couldn't even walk. I'll never forget that day; Robert was trying to get up and get dressed for school but he couldn't walk and it hurt so bad he was crying and sobbing. Rob and I had to carry him out of bed and out to the car to go to the dr. who referred him to a specialist in another town. They did all kinds of x-rays on him and told us he might have a degenerative hip disease; at the very least it was bursitis which is kind of unusual in an other-wise healthy 5 year old little boy. We all prayed, and he rested as much as little boy would. God healed him and though, he never was a really good runner, he was fine. Then in 6th grade he started voicing a slight interest in trying out for track or cross country. But Robert being who he is & was especially then, a bit shy and insecure sometimes, he wouldn't go out for it then. He ended up going out for cross country when he was in 8th grade. He's improved so much since then, and what's really ironic to Rob & I is that he has become a long distance runner & cyclist. He will now "gear up" and go on long, long runs and rides. He now subscribes (& pays for himself) "Runners" magazine, reads articles and books about running/cycling, watches videos, etc.... He is a health nut (sort of) and is into vitamins, what he eats, drinks, and all that. He is such a neat and interesting young man!

Today was the last race of the 2007-2008 high school cross country season. Though he won't be going to state championships, I couldn't be prouder of him!!! It hadn't occurred to me before, but it really hit me when we drove onto the field at the park today to find a parking place and I realized that this was it- his last race (at least like this). He has chosen his college, a local community college where he'll study & train to be an electrician. He won't be able to participate on a college level cross country team since they don't have anything like that. So this is the end of this part of his life. I've often been running and working my behind off to get to his meets and juggling my own work schedule and demands and the other two kids' schedules and Rob's to make things happen and work. I've often had to miss his events & traded off with Rob so that Rob could go and I picked up the other two. But, I've always tried to be there for as many of the things he did as I could. I have always been proud of him. And I always will. I love you Robert!

Meet Samson

Okay, I can't do anything without feeling guilty or worrying that someone in my family won't approve or will think it was silly or irresponsible or unnecessary....... Boy, am I messed up!!!! :)

But, for a variety of reasons, we have been thinking about getting a puppy, but we don't have $ to purchase a "breed-ed" one, so yesterday the kids and I ended up at the animal shelter here in our county and we came home with a one year old dog named Samson. It was cheaper to do that then purchase a puppy and this way, the dog is updated on his shots, spayed/neutered (I can never remember which is for a boy/girl), and all that jazz. Plus, we "rescued" an animal that would have been put down likely. I felt better about this way of getting a dog. He is very cute and playful. Dexter is learning to get along and share, and Samson is having to learn a few things about Dexter too.

So now we have two fish, two birds, & two dogs plus my school animals (two more goldfish & two hermit crabs). We would love to have cats, but they can't be inside pets and one of our neighbors would call the city on us if we had an outside cat. Somehow we have ended up a family of animal lovers!!! Stems from the kids mostly! Kids sure do influence us don't they?! :) Well, I love mine so that's all that matters!

Blue Ridge Beauty

We went away last weekend to get a break from the city and our work and all that stuff. Although I had hoped to see more color, it was still beautiful. I love the mountains!!! One of the kids broke my camera so I could take pictures but not tell if I was even aiming right or actually getting anything. Took several shots of this view and hoped it would take. Came home and put it together to make this panorama. I'm pleasantly surprised and thankful to God, as simple as this may be, that with a hurt back and a broken camera, I got this beautiful picture to remember our trip and that God made all the world and everything in it. I'm so thankful to have had a few opportunities to see the mountains and the ocean when I thought as a Midwest-bound person I never would.

Good night God and your beautiful world!
Rebekah :)

A Bundle of Emotions- Translation "A Basket Case"

Dear God,

Its' me again. The big mouth, big butt Rebekah. :) I know you have a sense of humor because you made me a nut- a "mess" as many of my coworkers, friends, and even my own Momma called me tonight :). I hope sometimes I make you laugh. I wish I could laugh tonight, but I can't. I sure could use Your help for myself and for some friends.

You know that someone at school caused a "ruckus" about student teaching arrangements and that Kristen was going to have to leave AJE to be able to student teach somewhere else. I thank You for intervening on Kristen's behalf to work out the problem there and for allowing her to stay with me and our kinderkids at AJE. I thank You for a prof that was willing to go to bat for Kristen and my other friend. Please intervene again on the other situation and help it to be worked out for the good of those who need it.

God, I am a bundle of about a million different emotions right now, and I am so tired it's just not funny!!!! I'm so grateful to You for working things out for Kristen! I would have hated for her to have to go through that process- switching schools midyear, getting acquainted with new kids/teachers/parents/school, having to say goodbye to her AJE kids & families. I would have hated it for our kids and families who have gotten used to Mrs. Lanier and who look up to her and love her. I would have hated it for me!

I'm angrier than I think I've been in a long, long time too, and You know all about that. I feel so hurt and betrayed and yet I have to go on and work with people and somehow rise above all this mess. How am I supposed to do that?

I am so disgusted with myself for getting mad at certain situations last week and replying via email. I feel like I didn't handle that situation the way I should have. I should have had a spine and confronted the issue or just let it all go and let people think what they will about me. They're going to anyway. I am so afraid I made things worse, though I honestly didn't mean to. I was hurt, caught off guard, surprised, mad, frustrated, and upset. I never can express myself the way I mean to or want to. My momma should have named me "Foot-in-mouth"!

All I want to do in life is be pleasing to You, God, to be a wonderful wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, and teacher. To be there for my family and help carry the burdens of my family, my students, and my friends. To be supportive of those around me and to be a good listener. To get along with everyone. These are honestly the things I try to do each day; I know I have a long way to go, but I do try. So why does it seem I keep messing things up? How is it most people think highly of me, but I've made such a mess with others?

God, I am really, truly sorry for not keeping my cool, for not thinking before I spoke via email, for saying/doing anything that didn't shine Your light in my world. Please help me to forgive and go on. Please help me to be more like You and less like me. And God, thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing Kristen to stay at AJE. Please fix the other situation that needs Your help. Please help me to let go of my "feelings" and see the bigger picture here. Help me to grow up some more in You.

Work Frustrations!

To my mother-in-law, momma, sister, friends, or anyone else who may read this, just a warning. This is just me venting to myself tonight. I am probably going to sound immature, childish, stupid, or any other # of descriptive words that are not very complimentary. I am sorry. I'm just really, really frustrated right now. We're taking a Saturday trip to the mountains to just "get away" from our work frustrations right now. I sure hope the peace & beauty of God's creation & His mountains will help soothe my hurt feelings and raw emotions.

Earlier this week, a coworker came into my room and over to me and asked me, "What's wrong with you? What's your problem?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Then yesterday a different coworker came into my room and closed the door behind her to tell me that "everyone" in K wanted to know "what was wrong with me...." Then came a list of ways I have been rude, unkind, unfriendly, cold, distant, etc. with certain members of our grade level. I heard a list of my wrongs, some of which were flat untrue such as that I had changed my "p.e." time to avoid being with another teacher, that I ate at the end of the table because I don't want to eat with them, that I am cold and unfriendly with them, that I joke and cut up and am friends with so & so and so & so, but then don't act the same with others.... Supposedly, the grade level feels I am depressed or down and "quite concerned" about me. There are some that feel I don't like them....

So, of course, me being who I am, I cried all the way home, questioned myself all night and all day today, am extremely embarrassed and self-conscious that I am the focus of attention and conversation for some, and angry that people have to discuss me like that instead of just coming to me and asking me directly. If "they" are so concerned, why didn't anyone act like a friend and just come talk to me. If someone is so upset that I don't like her, then why didn't she ever just come ask me what the problem was, especially when everyone says how I'm "such a nice, pretty, funny, friendly, sweet person..." Make me puke! But seriously if I am such a nice person, normally, then wouldn't it seem odd that I would just dislike someone or multiple persons for no reason. Wouldn't it be possible that in fact, I do like whomever and that there is something else at play. Then to know that others just jumped on the gossip mill and added to it. Not to mention that I have heard almost all of these people badmouth all the others at one time or another. And I don't just mean badmouth, I mean BAD mouth. And last spring, somebody told a big lie about me to my former assistant, which she believed, and then she was really upset, hurt, and mad at me.

So what did I do? Classic Rebekah move- send everyone an apology for being so ugly and rude and making people feel so uncomfortable around me. Then today, at lunch, someone got up and insisted that I sit in their chair with the rest of this "group" (not all our grade level feels this way, by the way, just this group). What could I do but sit there? I sure didn't want to and it's not because I don't like them (although I am upset right now). It's just that I don't like mind games and being manipulated. I sit in the same stupid spot I have always sat in for reasons I explained which I shouldn't have had to- I like to see my kids, I am claustrophobic and like to be on the end, and I am a FAT A*** and don't like to crowd people so I sit on the end so I can give people more room plus where I sit I can see my "old" kids as they come in to lunch. This is so JUNIOR HIGH it's not funny! I hated junior high and I sure don't want to act like a dumb kid when I'm in my upper 30's for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to inform these coworkers of this, but my world doesn't actually revolve around them. I actually don't sit and think about ways to snub them, and ways to "show them up" (as at least one of them thinks I do) and ways to be a snot to them. I actually don't think of them much at all. See, I have a life- I am a mom, wife, daughter, and teacher. I have enough to think about with all of that without adding diabolical plans to be mean to everyone I work with to my day. I'm not that mean! I have a husband I adore that I worry about and his concerns to think about. I have three great teenagers who have a lot on their schedules (which transfers to mine) and a lot to learn and who need parents who are there for them for their problems and trials and life lessons and future plans. I have two parents and a sister far away from me that I try to stay in touch with and who I worry about and who I can't be there for since I am far away from them. I have a classroom full of little ones depending on me to teach them, love them, and be a role model for plus parents and families who need me to be there for their kids plus a couple friends who are about to be student teachers and who are relying on me to help them whenever I can. I have new responsibilities I have never had before at work that I take seriously like being on the leadership team, being a mentor and being a "buddy teacher" for someone who is new to the U.S. and certainly the "N.C." way.

I am so frustrated right now that if it weren't for the $ my family needs, my two student-friends who are counting on me, and the former kids of mine that I really want to stay there for, I would just give my 30 days notice and go find another job. I'm seriously questioning my future at AJE.

Home

I want to go home- I want to be a little girl and put my head in my momma's lap and just cry. I wish I could just go home for the weekend and be my momma's little girl.

Summer Weather- Wrong Season!

Well the weather outside is summer, even though the calendar says it's definitely fall. Wish the summer weather would realize it's outlasted its welcome and move on. Guess it's just having too much fun here with us. I've never had to run the air conditioner in October before, but I guess there's a first for everything. At the rate we're going, we'll still be running the air when my family comes out for Thanksgiving!

Yesterday, in the spirit of fall, if not the actual weather, Rob decided to start doing some of the fall planting. I had purchased mums, tulip & daffodil bulbs, and some root starts of ferns and hostas for our yard. I "helped" as much as I could with a hurt back. He did the digging, and I did the planting part. I made sure I bent over correctly and very slowly, and I didn't do any lifting or digging or hard work. The heaviest thing I held was a small bag of bulbs and the garden hose. I also went to Walmart and walked along as Matthew put everything in the cart and pushed the cart for me. Oh, and I helped Rob clean up our bedroom yesterday too, which consisted of me just taking the jewelry boxes and basket off my dresser, dusting, and putting everything back, picking up dirty laundry, and putting away my clean clothes. Then last night, I sat and folded laundry that the boys carried to me. Again, no lifting at all!

All that was not much work, but I was feeling what I had done by bedtime, and I woke up in the night in a lot of pain again! UGH! I finally got up and took some of the "drugs" the Dr. prescribed me hoping it would help by church time, but now I am dizzier than dizzy, and still hurting some. So Rob has strongly suggested that I stay home. I wouldn't be able to sit through a whole service without getting up and moving, and if I do that I'll be falling down from dizziness. So once again, I miss church. I give up on ever being a "good Christian'' in my own eyes. I know I'm not, and that's a fact, even if others try to argue that point with me!

Well, I guess I'll lay/lie (I can never get that one right) back in this chair and doze some more before I try to do some school work and fold more laundry this afternoon. Hope I'm not hurting tomorrow because I can't miss any more work.

Hope the fall weather comes soon! I'm ready for it to be fall!!!!! And I'm ready for my back to be normal again, ready to sleep in my own bed again instead of this recliner, ready to get back to exercising and losing weight, just plain ol' ready!

Until then, I'm lazily, sorely, and warmly your Rebekah :)

Nice Day- Tired & Sick- but Nice Day Anyway

Today, my new class of kinders joined all of Kindergarten and went on our first field trip. It was fun! The kids, though typically squirmy and still immature as new kinders, were great, and made me proud! They have grown so much in just a few weeks already; as Kristen and I rode at the front of the bus on the way back "home to school" we looked at our kinderkids and discussed how much some had already grown and changed and improved. My thanks go to God for helping us through the rough first few days/weeks with these "babes" He's entrusted to us.

Rob has been sick these past few days with a sinus infection/cold/something. I've been trying to not burden him with my back problems. Rob has been so good to me, better than ever in our marriage! He will never know how much it meant to me that he willingly, and on his own desire, left work to take me to the Dr. last week. That's a first for him, ever in our marriage! I have tried to sleep in our bed, but it is causing extreme pain, so I am back to the recliner, for who knows how long- at least until for the time being. Rob has been sleeping on the floor in the family room on his sleeping bag just to "be near me" and to keep me company while I sleep. He is such a good husband to me! Things weren't always this way with us, but I am so glad that God kept us hanging on to each other in the bad times so we could get to these good times.

I came home from school with a terrible headache, and by the time I got back from taking kids to youth group, I have a fever, the chills, and severe sinus pain/pressure. Guess I got Rob's germs from across the room! Oh well, guess that's the price I'll have to pay for having such a great hubby! :) So now I sit here, feeling lousier than lousy, but I am so thankful for my husband and family.

And, it was a nice day, thanks to God, a great teaching assistant/student teacher/co-teacher/friend, a great group of kinderkids, & a wonderful family.

Thankfully His,
Rebekah :)

Please Watch This

The youth group at our church performed this video a couple weeks ago; the song is "Everything" by Lifehouse. Rob & I were very moved. Robert found it on the internet by other groups (below are two versions), and we have watched it again and cried again here at home. It was really hard for me as a former parent attempted suicide last year & I heard last month that she had killed herself. I couldn't help but think of all the kids and families I have worked with over the years. I wish I could share more of His love with them.... I wish they understood.....

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nig4Rbeoqwk&mode=related&search=

Back to Work I Go

Well, after five days of pain & four days of rest, laying around, and medicines, I'm back to school tomorrow. If I keep inactive and take it easy, I almost feel back to normal. I can't sit forward for very long, stand up, sit up straight, walk or move around much without feeling pain and the longer I go, the worse it gets. BUT, if I take it VERY easy, I feel pretty good. I haven't even taken pain medicine today and only at bedtime last night.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when I go back to work and have to do my job; teaching isn't exactly a sit down on your duff all day kind of job. But we'll see how it goes. I'm trusting God to help me not overdo, and to know if I need to call the Dr. back. I'm also trusting Him that He can just take care of this all in the first place and I won't have to do anything else, but use the brains He gave me. :)

So, now I'm working hard at Rob's school laptop (Thanks Rob!) in my recliner preparing my lesson plans, newsletter, teaching materials, and a bunch of other stuff I do every week, but don't think about until I am home a bit and, wow!, I realized tonight I do a lot of work for my job! :)

Goodnight!
Rebekah the "gimpy" one! :)