Giving My Heart Away

This week I thought my heart would break from love & sorrow at the same time. I didn't know it was possible to love so deeply and hurt so much for someone until I met certain students in my time as "Mrs. Thomas." There have been many over the years, and just when I think I can't love anymore, that's when another "diamond in the rough" comes through my classroom door. Though I love all the kids who have entered my classroom doors and they all mean something special to me, there are a few who take a piece of me with them when they leave me. These special few have left a tiny hole in my heart where I gave them some part of me, often without even realizing it, and that will never come back, nor would I want it to. Maybe they need that love and that part of me to help them, I don't know.

What I do know is this:

There was a kinderkid in my classroom last year who came to me late in the year. My first day with this child was rather memorable as he screamed and kicked and called me every name in the book and then a few and accused me of choking him... He was certainly a challenging young man! Those first few weeks with him were not much fun, but I could quickly see in him some great talent and potential. He truly is one of, if not the, smartest kid I have ever taught!!! But, as those few weeks we had left in the school year went on, I saw huge changes in him and in his behavior! He slowly began to smile a few times; he shared very deeply personal things with Kristen & I. He began to give us little gifts- a scrap of paper he had taped together, a feather or leaf he'd find, a coloring book from his house, little things that were really nothing, but were all he had. I'll never forget how he creatively took a pipe cleaner and fashioned a heart (or maybe it was a flower), attached a piece of tape and presented it to Kristen one day as a pin. She wore that all day, and the look of pride on his face was so deeply impressed into my mind. It meant so much to him to give us things like that- it was his love language and the only way he could show affection. He was not able to give hugs and had difficulty receiving hugs or compliments. He would often push us away after a moment of closeness, as if he were afraid to get to close or didn't want to open up all the way. He was a "tough" kid.

The one light in his life was that he had been told about God and would often tell us about the Bible and the Bible stories and lessons he had heard. He talked about a Bible video game he had and liked to play and about going to church. I always jumped on those opportunities to talk to him more and reinforce those ideas. He liked knowing that Mrs. Lanier & I both went to church and loved Jesus too. :)

He hoarded food in his backpack and would often come to school hungry or ask to take a snack home for later. When the year ended, I unloaded my whole snack box in that kid's backpack. By the end of the year, he was sometimes allowing me to hug him goodbye at the bus and I would sometimes even get a hug back. Oh it killed me to say goodbye to him at the end of the year and put him on the bus not knowing if I would ever see him again. I'll never forget when I said goodbye to him; I whispered in his ear and told him that I would always love him, would pray for him, and to never forget that Jesus loved him. He looked up at me, and said "I know Mrs. Thomas." He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and got on the bus.

Jump to this school year. He is now in first grade and seems to be doing very well. He hasn't shown any sign of behavior problems!!! I told his new teacher how smart he is, and this past week she told me she thought he was very intelligent!!! I'm so glad he has this going for him, and that he has a wonderful teacher who sees the potential he has! All summer, I prayed that his first grade teacher would see the good in him and would help him keep learning & growing! Every time I see him now, he is always smiling and he seems happier. He always waves the "quiet wave" to me, and I always wave back and give him the sign language "I love you" sign. At the Grandparents' Tea I went over and hugged him and told the guest with him how much he meant to me and how I'd love to take him home to be my little boy. He smiled and told me he wanted me to come see him in his room. I went over later as soon as I could get away for a minute. He of course, had a gift for me in his backpack- a page he had colored in his coloring book. He, once again, was smiling and happy that I accepted his small gift and that I liked it.

This week he asked his teacher if he could walk with me to the buses, and she allowed us to be "buddies." It was so nice to hold his hand and just talk a bit while we walked. He asked me why I didn't pick him to join my new K-1st class, and I tried to explain that I would have chosen him if it had been up to me. (In truth, he was one of the BIG reasons I wanted to move up to 1st with my class.) When we got to the bus, he looked up and asked me if he could give me a kiss on the cheek. I got two kisses, and I thought I would cry right there I was so honored to receive his love. The next morning, he stopped me on the sidewalk, and rifled through his backpack and told me had something for me. He couldn't find whatever it was, but he pulled out a video game magazine with his name on it and said, "This is for your son, Matthew." Then he pulled out a poster that might have been in the magazine and said, "This is for Robert." Both of these were well worn and were probably one of his few possessions; I felt so guilty about taking them from him. I tried to refuse, but you could just see that it would hurt his feelings, so I reluctantly did and thanked him, assuring him how much it would mean to my boys that he thought of them.

Last night, Rob & I worked late in my classroom, and I talked to him about these things and showed him these gifts. I cried. Rob likened these small tokens of love to the widow's mites in the Bible. That made me cry even more. How can I take these things from him knowing they are all that he has and that his life is so awful??? It is so deeply humbling to be the recipient of such love.

I have often asked God why I have to hurt for all my "kids," why do they have to suffer and go through so much. Rob told me last night that when I hurt for them, maybe, just maybe it takes a little of the hurt away for them. That maybe by carrying a burden for them makes their lives a little better. Oh, how that thought totally brings me to my knees and breaks my heart. Is it possible that by loving them I can truly make a difference? I really don't know how loving them and giving them hugs and snack and smiles and all those little things can make such a difference in a life so dark and dismal. But then I remember the verse that says, "Where sin abounds, grace abounds more." All I know is I was MEANT to be there for that little boy. And I am so thankful that I am there, so grateful for a chance to give my heart away to him and many others. So honored to be loved back that much.

God, please look out for my "kids" as they are Yours even more.