i really am mental

i love this yoyo thing my head does to myself.

i can't stand myself
i HATE myself
i can tolerate myself
i almost like myself
oh, well if i almost like me or like me a little bit, just wait- i'm sure to find some reason why something is my fault or i did something just not right or failed someone......

repeat this over and over and over and over and over and over............ well you get the idea- a sure recipe for stupidity & failure in the whole confidence thing- yeah, that'd be me for sure! :)

mostly right now i am just very, very tired & disgusted with how i just seem to be barely staying afloat with so much work and effort or maybe i'm not really putting enough effort into it- i don't know. i just want my room to be perfectly wonderful all the time and when it's not- well i get really mad at myself

i feel like it is a yo-yo. i have moments in each day where i feel so great about the kids and what is happening at that moment - it just is wonderful- like today while we were on our weekly Wednesday Walk. the air was perfect, the temps just right, the sun shining, the kids having a blast, they were all holding hands and walking and talking and including me in the hand holding and it was fun then later, i feel like one student's behavior just ruined it all for me, and i'm frustrated beyond words that none of my "tricks" are making change in the behavior.

this pattern is repeated almost exactly this way each day. it makes me want to cry.........being sleep-challenged isn't helping either, and on that note, i should be in bed and not here, but i needed to get this down and out of my head (well, it won't be out of my head, but i know what i mean) goodnight rebekah, go to sleep self!