Early Morning Reflections

It's early on Saturday, and I'm sitting under a blanket in the family room so I don't disturb the sleeping boy that's back here. :) I took this photo of the changing sky (I kind of liked the shadows in the picture) and can't get back to sleep so I am just thinking a lot of random thoughts, topped with being VERY VERY thankful for some sleep and sleeping in my bed too!


This post is going to be a mish-mash of personal stuff that will more than likely make no sense to anyone but me & hopefully God. I promise that I may be "a nut" and half crazy, but I'm going to be okay, just a mix of sleep deprived, hormonal, emotional, homesick, lonely, tired, disappointed.... riding along with THRILLED, EXCITED, GRATEFUL, THANKFUL, HAPPY, AMAZED, CONTENT.... Let me tell you these complete opposites of emotions make for a fun daily ride as I go up & down depending on the moment, situation, and I'm ready to get off this roller coaster ride. Only a woman could feel so many emotions at once, and though I'm grateful to be a mom, wife, & daughter, I could do without these emotions. I wouldn't mind having a man's more simple, one-track brain & hormones. :) :) :)



If you are a family member or coworker, please know that I going to journal here some very personal things I am going through, feelings, emotions, worries, disappointments. It is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings, but to actually help my own by getting some "junk" out of me. I have been going through some things (maybe not serious or life threatening or as serious as what someone else is facing, but hard none-the-less) & I've been trying to deal with them just by talking to God, venting to Rob, and "sucking it up," but it's not working. I feel like I have to get them out of my system and that maybe if I put them here I will feel better. I started to not post this publicly, but it is my blog & I think I'm fairly transparent/darn near see-through to most people anyway & I am who I am, so I'm not going to hide this "ugly" side of me. I'm going to take a big risk, admit to everyone that I have some seriously ugly stuff in me, and put this out here and hopefully anyone who decides to read the whole stupid thing will understand me a little better and still like me and think I'm okay when they're done- well okay, I really want you to think I'm wonderful, tremendous, terrific, perfect..., but if you can just like me well, that's good too.

Thank you God for:

• allowing my back to allow me to sleep in my bed 5 of the past 6 nights in my own bed which I haven't done in over a year now!
• touching my back and helping it to finally begin healing!
• medicine & You that let me sleep at least 6 hours each night of this week
• helping me to get enough sleep to feel a little better physically this week
• unconditional love- Yours most of all, even though I often doubt it, I'm thankful, so very, very thankful for it. I know someday I will see You- oh my goodness I can't fathom that- & then I will never have to doubt it or myself in Your grace anymore- I can't wait for that day as this Rebekah down here gets so old to put up with. She can be a real drag sometimes! :)
• blessing us with our 1st home in a few weeks!!!!! This was a dream that many years ago I'd laid aside "for the moment" knowing I'd be able to pick it up in Your time, though I often doubted if that time would ever come. Thank You for letting it finally be Your time. Your time is always best, and though I sometimes don't keep that in mind, I do know You know what is best for us. There have been a lot of disappointments and frustrations along the way, but I'm so thankful that You've been with us in it all and are here with us in the good too. I almost feel guilty for being blessed. I know that's silly and another way I'm a bit crazy, but it's just a feeling and I'm going to take the blessings and run with them. I know they'll be other rainy days ahead too and days when I don't feel blessed (had lots of those in the past and recently), so I know it's okay to take a blessing and just be thankful. You can be sure Rob & I will use this blessing to bless others however we can! I can't wait to move in to this blessing! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
• my wonderful husband. Wonderful just doesn't do him justice. He hasn't always been so wonderful, and we certainly have had some very rough spots in this marriage of ours, but I'm so thankful for him. Thank You for leading him into my life so long ago. He's been my best friend and through all of the physical stuff these past few months I'd never have made it without him standing with me. I know I have You, but I think You will understand what I mean. You're "here" & are my rock & the One I cry out to and try to live for and I need that more than anything, but You don't come down "here" and hold my head when I cry, squeeze my hand at a dr.'s appointment, listen to me... in the physical way that He does. He is being Your servant by doing those things & taking care of me, and I thank You for giving him to me to be here for me in the bad as well as the good. I know You'd be proud of the way he has been here with me.
• Little Things- that maybe really aren't such little things after all such as
• beautiful lawns, woods/forests, fields filled with fallen leaves- that is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me- colorful leaves all over the ground
• a child's smile, laughter & hug- my classroom is filled with it and it makes things right on even the worst days- it brightens my days, my life & I'm a better person for it
• a November snow- another thing that just thrills me for some strange reason- November snows rarely ever stick or stay long, but they are just exciting- back home a promise of more to come, here just a reminder of memories of home, childhood, happy days & though Your birthday has absolutely nothing to do with snow of course, a snowfall makes me think of & feel like it's more Christmas-y. I know God, I'm truly a nut, but You made me. :) I hope at least once in a while, I bring a smile to Your face. Wow! That would be so neat to know I somehow made the great Creator smile. :) That's pretty deep! I truly do wish that I would bring a smile to Your face often. Which brings me to the down part of this ride I'm so very, very sick of.

The yucky emotions & swings I keep having the past couple weeks are so tiring Lord. I could really do without these. :) All I want is to please You. I so desire to be one of these people who despite what they go through always just "show" You to those around them. You know what I mean. People that just sing Your praise & glow and people sense You in them. I'd like to think I was one of those people, but I'd only be kidding myself. I know I'm not.

I just can't stand myself Lord. I don't know how to even stop this self-hate, let alone like me.