All Torn Up & Don't Know What To Do

God,
It's me. You know, the silly, crazy, way-too emotional, talk too much me. That daughter you must have dropped on her head or something. :)

Okay, now that I got my smile in for the day, time for me to spill my guts. You already know what I'm going to say anyway, so I might as well say it, right?

I have a decision that I need to make in the next few weeks, well maybe. Perhaps nothing will come of it, only You know that. But I'm assuming an opportunity might come my way, and I need to know what to do. I'm so torn up about it and can't make out what the "right thing" to do is.

My heart has been poured out and given away in little tiny pieces to a big group of children, and I will feel like I've abandoned some pretty important children, let alone part of who I am, if I were to leave. Yet I long for other things to be better. They could be so much more. I also know that things can be so very much worse, and then I feel like I'm just being a baby or a whiner or a quitter or a loser or, well you get the picture. I don't really want to go; I really just want things to be better. There is so much potential where I am, but it just isn't what it could be.

I sure don't want to get to worse, and I long to be like You. You said you came for the sick, not the well. As I read Your word, and I've been "watching" You there to see what You really did and what you were deeply moved by, I see that you cared for the unloved, uncared for, poor, downtrodden, despised, looked-over, passed-by, down & out.... Guess that's why I love so many of "my kids," and I know that's why it bothers me so to hear others talk about the "bad kids" and this one and that one.... God there are no "bad kids" and You love them all.

Am I deserting ones You love if I make a change? Am I wrong to want a better, happier place with strong leadership? Am I sacrificing what's truly important for my own comfort? I keep telling myself that I'm there for the kids, I'm not there to have best friends and be pals with every person on the planet. I'm there for the kids, and Father, I really am. You know that's what gets me in trouble sometimes. Sometimes, though, God I just feel so lonely and left out. Guess You understand that too, better than I ever could, don't You? Yeah, You do. Thank You for that, for being human so You could understand everything we think and feel.

God, I know You're God. I don't want to ask for a cloud in the sky that tells me what to do or signs that I shouldn't ask for when I'm supposed to trust You. I know it's called faith for a reason. What I am saying is my life has always been in Your hands, and I'm going to leave it there. You moved me way out here for a reason, for a purpose. Please keep me always in that purpose. Please only open the doors You want opened, and Father, if I try to open a door that I should not, please lock it tight. If a door opens, Father help me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt it's You opening it, give me a peace that goes beyond all my fears and guilt and worries, and even beyond the deep love & bond I have with so many of Your kids. I so don't want to walk through a door You're not behind. I so don't want to leave my kids behind, but if it's what You want help me to know it and to have the strength to gracefully leave an imprint on their hearts for You and go.

With so much love and emotion for You and for them,
Rebekah :)