God, let me please you

God, it's confession time. I might as well; You know it all already. You were speaking to me this morning in church, and I needed to get home and think this out here.

I am unhappy with myself, God. Yeah, I know- again? Right? :) So this isn't new, and when have I ever been happy with myself? But here we are again, and I'm starting to understand something about myself in a new way; something I have always known, but is driving me crazy once again. My self-worth, esteem, happiness... is wrapped up in everybody around me, those I love, those I serve, those I work with, those I know, even sometimes those I haven't seen in years but whose approval or love I want so desperately.... Whenever others are happy, I'm happy. When others are upset, I'm sad. When others are angry, I'm uptight and worried. When others are silent, I must be the reason. When others are mad, I must have done something.

Messed up, right? I know. You know. My whole immediate family knows, and who knows who else who knows me, knows it too. ;) I've been this way mostly all my life. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse, way worse. I'm so like a yo-yo on this. Did I ever tell you, by the way God, that I don't really like yo-yo's. Never could play with them, make them do neat tricks, or even get them to come back up/down more than once or twice. So I'd really like to be some other kind of object, toy, plaything, or creation, one that's a little more useful in my book. :) :) :)

Okay, back to serious- I've spent the last year or so worrying about things I couldn't change, until I ended up a nut-case in November, hearing a dr. say I'm going to kill myself with high blood pressure, a stroke, a heart attack, and having acid problems to the point I now wonder if I have an ulcer.... Though there is some medical problem, part of the problem is me and this life I've lived of being a people pleaser.

I'm trying to please everyone and feel like I end up pleasing few, and mostly making myself crazy- well, let's say crazier. I know it's not my job in life to please everyone, to solve everyone's problems, to be perfect and never let anyone down. I know that God, but my brain, or my heart (I don't know which it truly is) can't ever really get that understanding. It's like a lesson I'm trying to teach a kid who just can't understand the deeper concept so they never get the skill they need to move on. I'm stuck, and only You know how many strategies You've used, how many times You've tried to reteach this lesson to me, how many creative ways and materials You've presented me, and still I'm stuck in the dumb-kids, remedial class, and I fear I may be the only one left in this class still flunking this lesson while all the others have gone on to graduate to better things. :) Do you have some kind of IEP for me God? You should! :)

Why am I like this God? You made me who I am didn't You? You must have made me with particular character traits (or flaws as I see them) for some reason. So why do I take what You made and twist it so much out of proportion? I am truly mental, and I am truly, completely, utterly sick of my brain, my way of thinking.

I try to be:

• a good Christian
• a good wife
• a good mom
• a good daughter
• a good teacher
• a good coworker
• a good employee
• a good sister
• a good friend
• a good person
• a good neighbor
• a good ....

I feel like a not so good______ fill in the blank most of the time, particularly when it comes to these areas: good Christian, good coworker/employee, good family member, good friend, good person... Why do I screw it all up when my intentions are well-meant and only for the best?

The only thing I know to do is to QUIT TRYING! Maybe that's the problem- me & my trying.

So, once again here I am, back at Your feet, groveling for forgiveness. I have messed things up with some people, when I truly didn't mean to. In some cases, I don't even really know what I've done wrong, just know there's not peace or I am not "in" the group. Maybe I'm not supposed to be; I truly don't know. God, this is what I do know. I never meant to hurt people's feelings. I want to get along with people. Most of all I want You to be seen in me, and I so doubt that is the case with my life.

I've been working on getting to know You better by spending my lunch time reading the Bible instead of eating in the cafeteria. I've been trying to be like the You I read about in the Word. At the end of the day, I'm trying to make sure I have lived today in a way that pleases You. I know that's really all that matters. God, I need You to help me quit worrying about the past and what I may have done or not done, to quit worrying about people liking me or not liking me, to quit feeling lonely and left out- it doesn't matter. None of that does. I need to keep my eyes focused on You, on teaching those kids You've placed in my life, on loving the kids that cross my path, on loving & serving my family and finishing the raising of my own kids and helping them get established in the adult world still rooted and grounded in You, on loving my husband and serving Him and being there for Him. Those are the things I should be concerned about. All the rest is just white noise, and I need to get my eyes off of that and back on what is important.

And though I hate the "but..." when kids give them to me, here I am "butting" You too. But God, I am messed up. I am who I am, maybe not who You created, but who I became for whatever reasons- good or bad. I very badly want to be not this Rebekah, but the one You want me to be. I want to please You more than anything. More than pleasing Allen Jay Elementary or Guilford County Schools, more than pleasing my principal, my fellow teachers, my grade level, my fellow church go-ers, my pastor, even my family, more than anything God, my heart screams out, "I WANT TO PLEASE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!"

Please help me to do it. Please forgive me for being the messed up person I am, for worrying about what others think, for taking my eyes off of You and concerning myself with the opinions of others, for wasting time and energy and mental health on concerns that shouldn't be concerns at all.

Help me to do better Father. I can't do it on my own. I've tried and failed.

With love for You, gratitude for who You are and Your mercy, sorrow for my own stupidity, failings, mistakes, and everything, and hope for a better tomorrow,

Your Rebekah :)