"But the gate to life is very narrow. The road that leads there is so hard to follow that only a few people find it." Matthew 7:14 (Contemporary English Version)This has been on my mind for a while, and I keep trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words, but find it so difficult to do. I still don't know if I can begin to express myself the way I want to, but I've got to get this out of me and somewhere to think about it. I'm hesitant to do this also because I don't really even know who reads this, and am pretty sure that anyone except my closest family members will not really understand where this is coming from. Please know that this is very, deeply personal to me. I AM NOT, IN ANY WAY claiming or acting or thinking or trying to seem like I am anything. Quite the contrary, I know I am nothing without God. I know, better than anyone in my family, church, or for sure a soul that works with me, that I am just a sinner trying to rely on Jesus' grace & mercy!!! These are simply some thoughts I'm trying to understand and work through.
Okay? Okay...
I am at a crossroads in my life, once again. It really has me thinking about crossroads, forks in the road, and other divergences on the path of life. It has me thinking about my past, choices I've made, examples I've set, the way I've lived. It has me thinking about the future, what choices I will make and where they will take me in life. I would never EVER have seen myself in N.C. or anywhere far from my momma, once upon a time. Where will my life go from here? Where will I venture? Or end up when it's all said & done?
I hear so much negative talk, and I am struggling to not let it pull me down. I feel like I am looking at this divergence in the road above. So many around me are walking along, complaining about their students, complaining about the parents and families.... I feel more and more left out and different, and I'm sure I look like a snob to some who work with me because I am withdrawing more and more and participating in conversations less & less... I HATE that a lot! A WHOLE LOT!!! I want to have friends, to feel like I belong and fit in, to get along with others, to be part of "the team."
But I cannot walk that path with them. It may be the path they've chosen, but if I go down that path, I'll hate me and not be true to who I am, who I was meant to be, who God wants me to be. For whatever reason, He made me who I am, gave me the talents and personality that I have (what that says about God I'll not even attempt to figure out ;)- wink, wink), and sent me lessons in life that have made the person I am, the mom I am, the teacher I am... I must continue on the path He has placed me on here in N.C. and trust that He has a better plan for my life. I must trust that my feelings are not what really matter and that the only approval I need to be concerned about is His...
I must choose the road less travelled. I am sure, in the end, it will make all the difference.
Oh the crossroads. I once lived in a house in college that was appropriately named "Crossroads" as all of us ladies were seniors at the time and making big decisions. Tough times but good opportunities to trust God - and pray lots!
ReplyDeleteHappy Friday to you - great writing here!
Rebekah, I truly understand how you feel. I go through the same thing and feel the same way. I know God called me to teach school and to do it His way. It is unfortunate that people have those snobbish ways and make you feel compromised. Hang in there and let me know any time you need to talk. I REALLY understand how you feel.
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