Odell

rob and i went to borders today to get some books for my tutoring group. i promised them i'd buy them some books at payday. while we were checking out a young lady came in and was worried about an old man in a wheel chair out in the street. rob and i knew it was odell.

odell is a homeless vietnam vet we've met and talked with at different times. he hangs out at the corner of the borders' parking lot. sometimes he is quite friendly and enjoys talking. sometimes he gets angry at people as they pass him by or ignore him. i admit that at one time he scared me too when i heard him screaming at passersby. he made me laugh one time when he called some guy who ignored him the "spawn of satan." but then i really thought about it- God loves odell. he is someone's son. maybe he had kids or brothers/sisters. how did he get to be here? what happened to the young man who served our nation? how does a veteran end up like this? so rob and i started talking with him and taking him food sometimes when we can find him. he likes chicken sandwiches, dr. peppers, and strawberry shakes from mcdonalds. he has a place he sleeps he told me once in some woods. he never refuses food from us and he has never begged money from us. he always tells us "God bless you." and once when barbara was with me and we got out to talk to him for a minute, he told us "I'll never refuse food from two beautiful women." :) his mom lives in an apartment complex for seniors that is just a couple blocks from us, and sometimes we have seen him over here. he told me he goes to visit her sometimes and can stay there a night or two a month. my two oldest have seen him on their way to/from the bus stop and have talked with him too.

tonight rob went to check on him while i finished paying after the young lady said he was slumped down in his wheelchair in the street. i walked down there after i paid. he was definitely not sober, and even me with my naive and ruined nose/sense of smell, i could smell the liquor before i even got up to him. we took him some dinner back and he was out cold. rob tried to wake him up without startling him, but he was out. so rob left the food by his bottle on the ground. hopefully he found it when he woke up. i felt horrible leaving him there. we had a bad situation the last time someone came to our house with me in the car, so rob won't let us bring him home.

God be with odell tonight. keep him safe out on the streets and wherever he sleeps. help him to find You.

Ponderings of the Heart

I've asked these questions many, many times before over the time I've been a teacher. This is nothing new. But the intensity of the sorrow I am feeling I think might be more than I've ever felt before. Maybe it's just the lousy school year, the stress, my age, or hormones contributing to my feelings, I don't know. But the questions, I think, are good despite the emotions, I think. ???? And whether they are good or not, I am still pondering and asking....

Why God? Not why do bad things happen to me (as I have been guilty of selfishly asking before). But why did You bless me with so much in life? Why did you give me a safe home, parents who loved me, parents who taught me about You from birth, parents who never mistreated me, who always took care of my needs and never neglected or abused me? Why did you give me a stepfather who took me in and loved me as his own, who didn't abuse me or mistreat me? Why did you give me a good, loving, God-loving husband (yeah, I know I asked for that one in prayer) who has stuck through the hardest times with me and never left me, cheated on me, abused me, or stopped loving me? Why did you give me three great kids who love their parents, honor and respect them, are usually, most of the time, obedient and now trying to live for You? Why jobs? Why a nice home? Why food on my table? Why an education? Clean water and disease free living? Why me here in America where I am safe from famine, wars, genocides, starvation?

I mean, yeah we've had our share of "bad" things too. We've gone through unemployment, no food to eat, almost being homeless, almost losing our marriage and love for each other, serious health issues with the kids, sicknesses, money problems, credit problems... Yet, Rob and I have still hung on to each other. And now, today, I sit and blog on my own laptop in my own home. Right now, Rob and I are facing some serious money issues, yet I am still making payments on two vehicles and a house, things I thought were impossible even three or four years ago. My momma lost her husband; my sister and I, our daddy. We were, for whatever reason, separated from a whole family for years. We saw dysfunction on all sides and the hurt that it caused. Yet, we were loved and have turned out okay (well mostly :) haha).

But when I look at what's happening in the world, when I see the horrors of wars, famines, genocides, nations and cultures crumbling around their citizens' feet, earthquakes that destroy lives by the thousands.... I want to ask "Why me God?" I don't even have to look that far either. Right here in the "God bless America" nation of our own, when I look at the children's lives that Rob and I see each day, I have to ask again, "Why me God?" Why was I born to the parents I was? Why was I born into a nation that gives its citizens so many freedoms? Why was I given the opportunity to grow into a healthy child, to be loved, to be free, to get an education, to have clean water and grow up in a disease-free environment, to have books and learn the love of reading?

I know that the Bible says God is no respecter of persons. I know that I've always thought God doesn't play favorites. I know there is more, so much more to life, than material blessings, but I am really talking about so much more than the stuff I could accumulate here. I know the Bible says that "to him who much is given, much is required." I would say that I am one to whom much was given, but why does God give more to some and less to others? Why? I want to know. Why was I chosen as one of those who would get more? I'm so very undeserving of it. Truly, I am. I know it, God knows it.

I wish I understood these things. Everyday, I try to live up to the "requirement" for what God has given me, but I wish I understood. It's so hard to take some days, coming home to all the good that God has given me when I know that just down the road are little ones who are going home to a family/home where there may not be food for supper or where there may be food but the parent, for whatever reason, may not cook any. It's so hard to come home and hear Rob talk about a student who is being made fun of because he has no way to wash his school uniform, or hear his hungry student stories, to know that many of his kids are involved in gangs and drugs and to think of the future (or not future) they may have, or to watch as students I have taught change in the older grades into tough, hardened students who will not be successful. It's so hard to see kids hoard food and know that the little I can do is still not enough or to hear a child say "I wish you were my mom," and feel your heart breaking as you hug them and know that you would take them in but can't. Some kids literally haunt my heart. I see their faces and the pain in their eyes, and I think I always will. Did I do any good? Did I really do anything that will really help them survive abuse, neglect, hunger, danger or help them become the human beings God planned for them to be?

God it's an ugly, ugly world we've made- from a beautiful thing you created. It just seems to me it gets uglier and uglier as we go. We humans are ruining everything. God my heart is breaking, and I am tired. I am so thankful for all you have given me, please don't take me as anything but grateful. I just don't understand Your ways. I know the suffering that is on the planet isn't You, it isn't Your will. I know it is the evil that man brings- wars, diseases and all that garbage. I know natural disasters are just a part of this fallen world. But God, how can You stand it? How can You even bear to look down here and see all the suffering that is occuring throughout the world? Why do some have to suffer so much? I mean just look at Haiti. God isn't it enough that they have little/no clean water, that they are a horribly poor country, that there is so much civil unrest already there, that they are hit by hurricanes? Why did they have to have this on top of it all? Rwanda, Somalia, Sudan, Uganda... Why God?

I could just not look at the news or read about what is happening in the world. I could just turn my eyes and focus on my own happy little life. Though that might be better for my mental health, I don't want to do that. I don't want to be self-absorbed. I want to care and to do some good, but God what can I really do? How am I supposed to solve all these problems? I can't. Only You can. But God what am I to do? They're only children, helpless children, who can't solve their problems either. I mean I love on them for You, like You've told me to. So does Rob in his own ways. But God the simple love we can give (a hug, an encouraging word, a little food, washing a student's clothes, school supplies...) can't fix all this garbage. It can't fix dysfunction, can't help a child grow up to be a happy, healthy adult. Your love can, but I am so limited in what I can do. Teaching kids to read, write, do math, understand history and loving them while we do it, is that really all there is? I'm so confused God, so confused. Please help me to understand.

Such as These- Matthew's 1st Time

Today it was Matthew's turn. I was so proud of him. I cried most of the way home from church.

My kids are used to Rob and I stopping to get a homeless person a meal, talking to them, taking them food from home, me crying after doing any of those things.... Today, Matthew, Barbara & I stopped at Sheetz near our church to get something to eat on our way home. There was a man, Lacy (?spelling?) standing at that nearest corner, a short walk away, with his sign. I don't know what his sign said, but I can guess as they are often the same message.

Matthew and Barbara went in to get something for us. I told Matthew to get a $5 gift card while he was in there for that man. No big deal- they're used to this from their mom. Happens often enough. He knew what was going to happen next. Or so he thought, and so did I. But God took this a whole new direction. For some reason :) when Matthew got in, I said "I'm going to ask you to do something out of your comfort zone, okay?" He agreed and then I told him to go walk over there and give that man the gift card. I told him that God will give us words to speak, but that if he didn't feel impressed to say something from God, then to just tell the man that our family wanted him to have lunch, that it wasn't much, but it would at least get him a meal. I watched from my car (keeping an eye out for my kid, I'm naive, but not totally). I saw my youngest child, my most painfully bashful child, my miracle baby that God used to show His healing power, my Matthew go over and have a long conversation with the man. Saw him point to the car several times, saw the man looking our way, saw my son bow his head in prayer, talk to the man some more, then offer that stranger his hand and walk away. By the time he got to the car, there were big tears in his eyes. He got in and said, "Mom, that was different." His voice was shaky but he had a BIG grin on his face. I just thought he meant that it was new for him or the conversation had been weird or something, but then I asked him to tell me what he said and how the conversation went. As he talked, he kept those tears in his eyes, and wouldn't you know it- God had given that young man of ours (Gods & mine) His words to speak to the man, and Matthew was obedient to God. I was soooo very proud of him. He said he asked Lacy if he could pray, and the man said, "Could you now?" and my shy, self-conscious Matthew bowed his head and prayed for this man.

Then, Matthew said that Lacy told him he'd be praying for us. This is so humbling and overpowering to me. This man says he'll pray for me??? WOW! He, without anything of his own wants to pray for me, who has a home, food, family, love, support, a job, blessings I can't even begin to count. Why? I am already blessed, and I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO UNDESERVING of that. I know he may not have really meant it, he may not even do it, but still the thought that he would pray for me just blows my mind!

The same thing happens to me each time I give someone a meal and they tell me, "God bless you." And this happens to me a lot. Here are people who have nothing- no home, no warm, dry place to stay, no family to share their lives with, nothing but the clothes on their back. They are usually pretty dirty and often smelly. And they want God to bless me???? It always blows me away the same way when someone tells me that. I just can't fathom it.

But here's what I will say for sure. God bless these people we've crossed paths with whose names I'm listing on the side of this blog as my reminder. You know where they are at tonight and each day & night that passes. You love them and want to bless them too. Send them Your love each day. Let each of them have a divine appointment with someone each day who will not only give them some money, but who will provide them a meal and a smile and take time to ask their name or shake their hand so they know they are valued and worth something. Everybody needs to be loved and know they are valuable to someone and needed by someone. Everybody!

God, do bless me and our family, but not so I can have a bigger home someday, more clothes in my closet, fancier food in my pantry, more/bigger/better toys. God bless me so I can give more people more meals, so I can bless others who need You and a warm meal or a pair of gloves on a snowy day, or a hat to keep the sun off their face. Help me to help others even more than I do now.

And thanks God for speaking to my child's heart, for giving him the courage to do that today, for giving him the words to say, for letting him hear Your voice and know it was you. What a wonderful experience, and I'm so honored to have been part of that today. I may not measure up to some standards held up by others, but I know I pleased you today when I helped my child take care of one of the least of these.

Gratefully yours,
Rebekah :)

Father Forgive Me

Father, I have sinned against someone, a stranger I met this afternoon, but who I have wronged in the past. This person does not know that I wronged them, but You do. And Father, I am terribly ashamed of myself and sorry for what I did. Thank You for helping me to get to know this one a tiny, tiny bit today. Thank You for using this person to teach me a lesson, and let me not forget it one little bit. Let me find a better way to serve this one. I want to be more like You.

With sorrow for my sin & thankfulness for Your grace and Your teaching,
Your Rebekah :)

A Cold Night

I should start by saying that I think I have a sign. Homeless people just seem to come out of the woodwork wherever I go. It's like there' s a sign on my car that says "I'm a softy.." I don't know but I can't begin to name all the places I've been approached. I have been told that I shouldn't give money to those homeless who are begging on the corners or who come up to me in the gas station parking lot or Burger King or Wendy's or even on my own street. I've heard all the reasons, and I know they may even be right.

But, I can't ignore a person who is homeless. I can't. Somehow, when I see them, I just can't see Jesus (if he were right there in bodily form at that same moment as me) just rowing up his window, driving away, and ignoring them either. I really can't. I can't see Him judging them saying things about them just looking for work & getting a job or just being liars and worthless or thinking about how they might really live in a nicer home than He does.... I am sure he wouldn't buy them booze, but what would He have done, say tonight when I was approached at the gas station?

I really don't know. This I do know.

Luke 6:30 says, "Give to everyone who begs from you..." I was SURPRISED to read that last week!!! I've never heard that scripture before.

And of course, there's the good Samaritan. It says in Luke's version that the Samaritan "had compassion when he saw him... he took care of him..." and then Jesus tells his followers, "You, go and do likewise." I've lived my whole life in church hearing this story taught and preached. But, I never really heard this verse applied to the homeless, at least that I can remember. Who did the Samaritan help? A man who had been beaten and robbed. Isn't that what a homeless person is? How much more beaten down and robbed of any kind of decent life can you get than that?

God, I don't know why You would bless me with a good home at birth, Christian parents, a Christian family of my own, a job, a warm place to spend my winter nights, clothes to protect me from the cold, food, blankets aplenty... and why some others aren't blessed. I just can't begin to fathom this. I know it's not fair, and I'm on the blessed end of that. I'll leave that to You because I just will never understand it. All I can say is I am thankful, so very, deeply thankful for this warm home, and all that is in it tonight.

For tonight I'll just ask that You would be with Chris wherever he is now. Help him to find a warmer place out of the wind and the cold. Help him to be safe, to think about what I prayed with him tonight; help him to get to Urban Ministries and find out more about You. Put someone in his path who will pray with him again and again and again as long as it takes to help him find his way to You, to a better life. Keep him warm tonight God. It is cold outside.

Gratefully Yours,
Rebekah