Just a small revelation

I know this is crazy. I am nervous to write this out here where people I know, people I don't know, people I work with, people who "think" they know me, and complete strangers might see it and judge me. But this is my journal and so I am going to do it anyway.

I think I heard God whispering something to me in church today. It's probably something everyone else knows, but as I am His "slow learner" it takes me a while. Pretty sure it will take me a while to really "get it." But I'm working on it-harder than anyone knows.

I think I figured out, with His help, why I get so upset with myself. I am not sure where this comes from or why I'm like this or when it started- don't know if it matters even. I won't name names, but some of my family and probably many others have gotten so frustrated with me at times and have told me that I am acting like I'm better than everyone else because I set some higher standard for myself. I'm sure that's what it seems like to others, but it's really not it.

I just HATE HATE HATE when I "feel" like I have been a disappointment to God or to others. Mostly that "feeling" is my perception of being a disappointment which is the same in my head (not a sane place I know) as being a failure. If I have let someone down, not been there for them, hurt someone, not performed in a situation, problem, or trial like I "think" a "good Christian" should or as I think God would have wanted me to, then this thing starts in my head. The self-hate, and yes, that really is what it is, starts. My parents, husband, sister, kids, bosses, and friends have all told me to "just turn that record off; break that record; don't listen to it...." And all those things are good advice. But, you need to understand something. I don't see it coming; it usually is there before I realize it- so it's not like I can just stop it before it starts. I see it after it's started, and then I am having to try to turn it off. And THAT is growth for me, folks! The "old" Rebekah couldn't have even done that. I have come a long way in this process. I at least recognize that it is some dumb record playing, that I need to turn it off, and I am fighting to do so. Maybe before I die, I'll figure out how to re-record that record; I don't know. It's pretty hard-wired in my head at 40 years old, but I'm trying. And that's all I can do.

But, and this is a big but for me, something struck me today in worship (honestly, I get more out of worship service than sermons or anything else- I always hear God then very strongly!). When He died on the cross all the sins of all of us were "laid" on Him. I know that, but it just hit me- every sin I ever committed (yeah, I know that), BUT also every sin I will ever commit in the present and future- things I haven't even done wrong yet, but am sure to do- even those were laid on Him. So even though I don't know the many, stupid, sinful, willful things I will do, HE already does and HE already forgave me before I was even a blip on the radar screen of the world. SO, if He already knows what I am going to do, all the sins and mistakes and failures and let-downs I am going to do ahead of time, then they really aren't "disappointments" to Him, are they?

So, I'm looking up the word "disappointment"-

Websters says that disappoint means- to fail to meet the expectation or hope of

When I google the word, I got this, disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.

So, I'm really thinking about this. I'm thinking about my kids. They have "disappointed me" at times- a little kind of disappointment in the sense that I was disappointed that they didn't do their best in school or disappointed that their behavior was not what it ought to have been in a given situation. BUT, it was not the "big" disappointment in that, I was sorry I had them, sorry I knew them, regret kind of disappointment. NOTHING my children have ever done- and God knows they've done some things I would never tell anyone- but NOTHING they do would make me disappointed in them as my children. Yet, I'm not God. I don't know what they will do someday; don't know the mistakes, stupid things, or flat out- sins they will do someday (I pray they are not too many).

God already knew/knows what I will do well, what I will do horribly, what I will accomplish and what I will fail in. He knows what my limits are, what trials I will encounter, what I face. He knows my personality, who I am, what I've done, where I've been, and where I'm going. There is NOTHING about me that He does not already know. He knows me better than I know myself- I sure hope so, as I am 40 and still trying to understand who this crazy lady named "Rebekah Rose" is. :) He is a loving Father. I think that's where I get myself into trouble. I want to be a good child; I don't want to hurt Him.

But maybe I'm just going to have to trust that He isn't hurt by my mistakes. He was a human. He understands that we get tired, that we have those stupid hormones, that we misunderstand others, that we experience stress and sorrow and hurt. He understands the human, physical limitations on us. He does not expect me to be perfect because He understands, apparently better than I do, that in this imperfect, human form, I cannot be perfect until I "arrive" up there someday. So, Rebekah Rose, if God can understand all that, still lay down His life knowing all the sins, evil thoughts, words, deeds you would someday do, and still say, "I love you. I forgive you." Then, you are not a disappointment to God, dummy. (Throwing in a little Sanford & Son there just for fun.) :)

So to my family, friends who love me from so far away, and whatever coworker might be reading this, you'll have to put up with me a while longer. I am sorry for my aggravating habits, but I'm working on this, MUCH MUCH harder than you know. I'll get there someday, and until then please allow me the moments I may have and be patient with me. I haven't arrived yet.