My Boys

He's been gone for a very long time. I only knew him as a child and through the stories and memories of my momma. We had very little connection to anyone else who could keep him alive for us. So all these years later, it still strikes me as odd how strong the desire to have a connection to a person gone so long. Here I am a 40 year old woman, mother of three young adults, wife, teacher... and without warning, I can be that little girl who wishes he was still here and had not gone away.

I have no idea if my children really have any of him in them, or if it is merely wishing that they did that makes me want to see something of him in them. But tonight, as I worked on lesson plans and EOG prep work, missing my youngest son who is gone to take his military physical exam, I heard from upstairs the sounds of my oldest playing a song he created on his guitar. It is one of my most favorite pieces of music in the world. I don't know if Robert knows just how much I love his song. I looked up from my work and saw the family portrait taken the year before he died. I teared up, though I tried not to.

I know this will sound completely silly, but this 40 year old woman put down her schoolwork, took that portrait off the wall, sat it on the steps below the boy's bedroom, and and sat down beside it to listen to the music. I cried as I wondered what he would say about his grandsons. One plays a guitar like he did, loves music and church and is a hard-working young man. Robert has his feet and is hairy like he was. :) Matthew is trying to enlist in the military and has been strongly influenced by both his Papa and by this man he never knew but only heard about sometimes. He is tall- taller, even than his grandpa was. He has a sweet, gentle side, but also a hot temper. Both my boys have a good sense of humor and neat laughs and like to joke around and play pranks.

Oh, how much it can still hurt after all this time. I'm thankful for all my blessings, and I wouldn't have Rob or my children if he'd lived. But it still hurts. Even 29 years later.