Letter to an enemy

I hate you.
You are ugly.
And fat.
And mean.
And hurtful.
I'm sick of you.  You are ruining my life.  I want you to go away.  And never. come. back.

They say you are kind.
Sweet.
And all that other stuff.
WHATEVER!
But they don't see you.  They see what they want to see.  It makes them feel better to see you that way.   They don't look in the mirror.  They don't see the real you that is inside- the real you that you keep hidden away, the feelings and thoughts that you don't tell anyone because it's too ugly. You won't ever let that show, and I won't either because I can't handle it.  I'm not that brave so though I hate you, it'll have to be our secret.

But I also know you are going away.  If it's the last thing I do.  I will win.   I won't be who they want you to be or who they think you are.  I'm going to be someone I don't know yet, someone I will figure out eventually.  I am going to be someone I want to be.  I will beat you.  I will never be pretty like you used to be. You were once, you know.  You didn't know it, and you ruined it for me because you hated yourself. I can't ever be that thin, pretty girl you were, but I refuse to be this hideous blob of goo you've made of me.

You ruined my life in so many ways.  I let you, and I'm more mad at myself for that than I could ever express.  I have cried so hard this week because I let you win.  I let your self-hatred take over and let your stupid view of yourself ruin my life.  I let the way you thought it was take over and ruin how I feel about me, but I'm taking over now stupid.  I am going to finish this degree in a few weeks.  I am going to walk across that platform and get that master's degree, me, Rebekah, and when I do, I'm going to cheer for myself- not where anyone else can see but somewhere down deep inside a little piece of me is going to wake up and be proud.  I am going to beat this fat, ugly self.  I will always have the extra skin and stretch marks and ugliness, but I am not going to be a size 28 forever.  I'm already not a size 34 thanks to me, NOT YOU.  I have been walking in that gym for ten months now and I'm not going to stop, busted knees or not.  If I have to crawl in there that's what's going to happen.

You may have my head for the moment.  You may think you're winning.  You may even be for today.

But, weak as I am.... I am NO QUITTER.  I have not given up on this slob of a body yet.  See I tell my little ones all the time, that "there's no such thing as a bad person, only people who make bad choices."  I firmly believe in the power of hope and encouraging others.  So I'm going to give myself a little of that hope and encouragement and love.  I'm going to try with all my being to cut myself some slack even though you are in my head screaming at me all kinds of obscenities and nastiness.  I'll just scream back at you and louder until you just shut up and go away.

Go away, mean person that's been in my head all these years.  Please let me start a new life without you. I'm tired of you.