The Unknowns

 I'm so not happy with myself.  I had been doing so well!  I feel like I'm just trying to hang onto the rope at this point.  Getting ready for the big day is taking everything I've got, and between being in pain, getting little to no sleep, and trying to get everything done I've fizzled out on where I was going.  I'm angry with myself and feel like I'm making excuses when I try to cut myself a little, tiny piece of slack.

I am scared.  People with their opinions of this surgery come out of the woodwork.  Last week it was our school nurse whose face and expressed thoughts clearly said I was being stupid to get this done- "Both knees???"  She didn't think I could hold myself up afterwards or would be able to move with both knees done at the same time.  A concern I am already thinking of.

I came home and almost cried, but don't really have time to do that either.  I hope I am doing the right thing.  Surely my doctor would not let me proceed with both if he didn't think I could do it.  I keep telling myself that.

And keep hanging in there.  I will get through this and back on the gym wagon the way I was.  I may have to modify what I do but I will get the last of this weight off.  I'm trying to be a bit more gentle with myself right now, trying.

I won't lie though, in the back of my mind, where I don't dwell because it won't do any good and there's just not time, I'm scared of all the unknowns.  Praying for no complications, no horrible pain, a speedy recovery so I can return to my job, to my normal life, to the gym, to my weight loss....  Praying for this to all work out even better than I can imagine.  And I'm trying to not think too much about the unknowns.

Sleep deprivation stinks

I was going to sit down and make myself write out some of my feelings, but at this point I'm so tired I don't think it would even make sense at all.  I have hit some serious sleep deprivation and am starting to have difficulties with my memory, thinking, and emotions.  Yup, the self-hate train has picked me up and whisked me away once again. :(

I hope that this will all start to improve soon.  One way or another I hope to get some rest soon.  Surgery is three weeks from today.  I would guess that will knock me on my back and force me to rest.  I just hope I can sleep at some point. Three more weeks of this is going to be awful.

Maybe that's all I need to say for now.  I'm exhausted beyond description.  My knees are deteriorating qiuckly and the pain is awful.  I have had to be out of the gym a lot lately because of so many medical appointments and trying to get everything done to be ready for surgery and company and doing things with my family.  That is making me feel like a failure BIG time too.

I'm just in a tiny bit of a mood I guess.  Trying oh so hard to not have a pity party.  I have no reason at all to pity myself.  I keep telling myself "Suck it up, buttercup."

So for tonight, that's all I've got.

Life. Rebekah.

Life.  Rebekah.

Busy?  Intensely so.
Happily busy?  Most often.

Mistakes?  Oh my, yes!
Lessons learned?  Most definitely!

Regrets?  Many.

Satisfactions? Even more!!!

Losses? Yes, hard ones.

Loves? :) More love than I can even describe!  I am loved! What else really matters?

Hurts?  A few.

Joys?  Daily. Too many to count!!!

Disappointments?  Some.
Hopes?   Endless. :) So many hopes.

Bilateral Knee Surgery

In all the craziness of this winter, my family and I and orthopedic doctor reached an agreement that surgery needs to happen.  The original plan was for one surgery this summer on my left knee (Fred) and then the right (George) next summer.  After doing some reading about the surgery, rehab, and the costs I almost had a panic attack!  It's a wee bit expensive. :)

Soooo.... the plan has become both knees this year.  One summer, one bill, one heck of a challenge.  I'm terrified, if I'm honest, but I'm trying to not be honest to anyone besides Rob. I will be okay I am almost sure.  I am pretty sure I can do this.  And I keep asking my doctor and primary care and Rob and trainer if they think I can really do this.  Surely someone would say no if they thought I couldn't handle it.

Still, I know this is not going to be a pleasant experience.  I'm trying to prepare myself for that.  Pain- lots of it.  Hard, hard, hard work to learn to use new knees and to regain the strength and flexibility in injured muscles.  Then gaining back my strength and stamina in my exercise and weight loss journey that will surely be lost.

And in the preparatory work on the way to the big S day, life has become intensely intense.  I'm struggling with maintaining my gym routines in all the parent-teacher conferences, lesson planning and prepping.  My pain level is on the rise big time and my sleep has begun to deteriorate until I'm down to about 4 hours at most. All that is adding up to less gym time and that's not helping the battle with the scale or my willpower or self-esteem.  I'm feeling like a failure again.

I keep telling myself, "Hang in there, this is going to pass.  You WILL get through this time and look back on it and be proud of yourself.   It is what it is.  You've just got to do the best you can and accept that it may not be what you want it to be."  And that's what I've got to keep doing.  Going on, doing my best, hanging in there, and living this life to the best of my ability.

Boundaries

I've never been good at setting boundaries for myself.  I have often let people walk on me, and then often feel guilty (psycho, I am!).  I also am not good at setting personal boundaries, as in I overextend myself ALL. THE. TIME.  "No" has not been in my vocabulary with regards to personal relationships.

When I changed schools two years ago, I had reached a wall, turning point, whatever you want to call it.  I made so many changes within myself that spring and have maintained them all.  And starting fresh can sometimes be just what someone needs.  At least in my case it was.  I still overextend myself all the time, but at least now it is more about me doing things I want to do and less about doing what I "ought to do" or what someone else wants me to do.  I still don't know how to just sit, be quiet, relax, take it easy, which I realize is probably a problem, but I'm happy. :)  Work wise- I'm in a much better place, feel super supported, loved, and appreciated and feel like I'm growing again instead of just fighting to stay alive.

And recently something else just "clicked" inside me again- I felt it almost physically.  A line was crossed and the reaction I felt in my gut, in my heart, and in my head said, "No more!" It hurts that I have to set a boundary with someone I once loved, but I have spent my entire adult life wishing for what was not to be.  I have had years and years and years of nightmares where my brain tried to make sense of my desire to be known and loved with the awfulness of a childhood trauma and the silence that came from others.  It's left me with countless sleepless nights and awful, teary mornings and days with an uneasiness that I had to fight throughout whatever I was doing.

No more.  I will not do this again and again and again.  I wish it were different.  I wish I could make it all go away and be something else.  I really do.  It is not about unforgiveness or holding grudges.  It is about too much time passing, too much silence in the void, too many attempts on my part and too much hurt and fear of hurting more for my heart to be able to make another risky leap into that void.  I cannot offer what I do not have to give.  I have forgiven, but I cannot give back what someone else gave up and took away.  Trust, once broken, is not easy to restore, but when countless attempts at trusting someone and loving someone are ignored and rebuffed... well, it's just too late.

Someone else filled that place. My children.  Rita.  Especially my Firsties, the Kinderkids, the little ones that I have adored and will continue to love each year and who give me back more unconditional love than I could ever fathom (and their families).  And for that, I suppose I actually should thank you.  Because of you, I know what rejection feels like and the hurt and damage that can do to a child.  And because of that I am a better person, a much better teacher.  I have, hopefully, loved and helped children because of that knowledge.  And maybe, just maybe, the world is or will be a better place.  So it's not all bad.

Stuck

I haven't written in a while.  It doesn't mean I've stopped.  The last few months have been busy, very busy.  I got sick.  Reactions to meds. Bad allergies. Tendinitis. Decisions.

Life.

And in all that life, I've gotten stuck on the scale.  :(  Nothing horrible. Just stuck.  I have to be honest too.  My eating is suffering.  I'm having a hard time.  This is the first big, long, hard plateau I've had.  I am fighting a little discouragement.  I am aggravated at myself and my lack of self control on tightening up myself.  I am not doing as well as I was about being able to self-talk.  What happened to the girl who used to hate herself and used that to motivate herself?

I keep thinking, that for all the people who told me it was not good to self-hate and say mean things to myself- "See, it worked."  I know, mental.  Seriously.

My clothes are getting tighter and my shape is slowly changing in some needed places, but it is slow.  I needed it to go faster than this.

BUT- and this is a good but- I haven't given up either.  I'm still trying, still going to the gym, still aware of the problem and trying.  The old Rebekah would have given up a long time ago.  I may have hit a bump, but I'm still fighting.

I will win this war.

Another Step Forward

(This is my sweet, beautiful daughter- after a jam-packed Zumba class last night!)

I keep pushing pushing pushing pushing....  I have stepped out of my comfort zone so many times in the gym and done things I would never have seen myself doing before.  I find myself liking me here and there for a few minutes at a time.  It's a very new sensation, and when I realize I'm doing it, well it makes me uncomfortable so I go back to my usual self-hate mode, but for just a minute, I sort of mentally "bask" in the good feeling.  :)  I'm definitely changing, I think mostly for the better! :)

So, last night was Friday night Zumba time, but our usual Friday instructor was absent and there was a very well-known, very liked instructor subbing.  His class was PACKED like I can't describe.  There was hardly room to move, and when my daughter & I arrived we couldn't find a place to go except to literally force/squeeze/push our way up in the front- RIGHT. SMACK. IN. FRONT.

As in, kiss this mirror hello, front of the class kind of front!
An "oh my word I'm going to throw up" kind of front.
The you can't hide from the teacher or the class kind of front.

I HATE being in front- always have even as a little kid in school.  I was always the tallest and felt like I stuck out a million miles away, so I've always been the one trying to hide at the back of the room, in the corner, please just don't notice me, call me out, or draw any attention to me kind of person.  Add to those feelings I already naturally have my huge size, well you can understand how I just try to hide in the back of Zumba classes.

 Then there's the mirror.  Well, we won't even go there. :)  I usually try to avoid looking in the mirror every bit of every class.  Eyes on the instructor the whole time or down at my feet- focus on the music, the rhythm, the steps, counting, looking/feeling the patterns of the music and steps....

Last night I could not help but look in the mirror.  It was not the most pleasant experience being up front in a room filled with people almost hip to hip deep staring at the large person I am, but I did it. With a room full of much more fit, agile, young, hip, pretty people, I danced my way awkwardly and self-consciously through some awesome music.   Part way through class I realized what a big step I had just taken for myself, and I felt a little seed of pride deep down inside. :)  Wow, this girl.... she's changing a lot!  She's definitely changing.

then & now photo

I am saving my journaling about the weight loss journey for here, but wanted to share this photo here as well.  I was in tears when I put on these "fat lady pants" I'd saved.  They're the only piece of clothing I've saved for this purpose.  I knew I'd changed but wow, not this much! :)

then & now photo

I don't do these photos very often, but here goes.  I was cleaning out my clothes again and came across the one pair of pants I kept for this purpose.  I was stunned, truly, truly stunned!  So far to go still, but wow, I've come a lot further than I realized!!!  And with no cartilage knees that the doc says are as bad/worse than an 80 year old's!  In pain and limping and still going.  That has to count for something!!!  Maybe, it's me I'm talking about- don't give yourself any slack Rebekah. ;) hehehehe

On to the next phase- trying to lose as close to 30 pounds by June 1, 2015 as I can with the limitations I've got.

Six months, six more months

I survived a crazy- busy month of planning, doing, a big class service project, making 23 reading blankets for my students, crocheting like a crazy woman, making many homemade gifts for my family, and of course, work, gym, and oh yeah, regular life. :)

After working like a mad woman before/after Christmas to work on gifts and projects, I took a couple days this week and vegged (as much as I possibly can anyway- still did lots of crocheting but sat more than my norm).

Now it's back to the real world, back to the grind, back to rushing from work to gym to home and repeating it all the next day.  Six months to accomplish my next weight goal before I have knee surgery.  Six months to push through and work hard and make good things happen.

I can do this!