sweetbitter

I know, I know- the word is actually " bittersweet," but I'm calling it this because I try to look at things from the positive- not that I actually am good at that, but I try anyway.

Tonight is the end of our family holiday time. My parents and sister have been here for Thanksgiving, arriving on Tuesday afternoon/evening and leaving tomorrow after they go to church with us. Last year we started doing Christmas too so that we can be together for opening presents instead of being apart and not seeing each other open the gifts. Plus, as fellow members of the "payday-to-payday" club, it helps us all save on postage. :)

Sweet parts- This is a good thing to have them come see us. I know from our own travelling back home how expensive it is- MUCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it is a sacrifice for them to pay for all that gas and hotel rooms and food and that they really don't have it to spend, but probably gave up something else to come. And, though I am not as old as my parents, and though my family may not understand how much teachers really do work, I do understand how tiring a 2000 mile round trip is and how hard it is to make that trip when you have to go right back to work. I know that my mom and sister both have to go back to work the day after they get back. I also know that, as my parents remind us, they are getting older and the travelling is harder on them then it used to be, so they are already really worn out and will be more so. SO, I'm so very thankful and appreciative that they would come all the way here for us to all be together for Thanksgiving!!! They could have just left it up to us or said, "You should come home to us for the holidays." But they didn't and haven't and have made the journey each of the three falls since we've been here in N.C.

We've had a lot of fun together and lots of laughs. They were also here for another round of "Parenting AAAAAHHHHHH"- the latest new parenting game guaranteed to drive you crazy!!! I was glad Momma & Pop were here for Rob and I in person this time; it helped a lot!!!! We stood in our bedroom together late one night and talked and cried and prayed together for the kids, one in particular. We also surprised Momma with a 5 year cancer survivor "thing" too since her five year mark was last week. Jessica and Barbara picked out all the decorations and bought her gifts. She and Babs and Matthew stayed home today and decorated the house and cooked the dinner and dessert- all dishes Jessica knew Momma likes and a couple "Jessica" specialties. Rob, Robert, Pop, & I took Momma out to an historical site here in Greensboro to distract her. I was bummed because I had really wanted to do this special, but probably hokey, rose thing for her as my contribution, but Jessica and Pop didn't feel like it would work since the flowers wouldn't survive the trip, plus with our distraction I couldn't get to the florist anyway. But I think my sister and kids did a nice job and Momma was really surprised so all's well that ends well.

Bitter- Now I can feel the bitter part coming, and I feel like you do when you have a big, old band aid that you need to take off the hairy part of your arm. You know it's going to REALLY hurt, and you dread it and don't want to do it, but also know it's best if you just yank hard and get it over with instead of pulling gently and slowly and drawing it all out...

I felt teary and a bit down before they got here thinking about the goodbye that was also going to be a part of the "hello," but decided not to think about that too much and just enjoy the time they were here. But now the goodbye is almost here and I've got to get myself together enough to not blubber my eyes out until they're gone and not in the church parking lot. You'd think after two years and four months, I'd be doing better. It's not like we haven't gone home to see the family or they haven't come here. I just get so homesick for my family. And knowing Christmas is coming and we can't go home to be with them, and that we'll be out here alone and they'll be out there without us. Knowing it will be months again before we see them... Knowing that it pains my daughter, especially, to be apart from her aunt and grandma who are big influences in her life and who I know she misses a lot- more than she lets on. Knowing that I took the grandkids away from the grandparents and that the grandparents really miss the kids.

So, like many, many things in life, this week has been sweetbitter- a lot of good followed by a bitter pill. I never was good at swallowing pills, and I sure have a hard time with this pill. I just keep hanging on to the sure feeling that Rob & I had when we moved that this was in God's plan. Sure hope we weren't stupid on that one!

Giving Thanks

I'm thankful for so many, many things. God, thank you for:

• Your way of salvation
• Your unending love & mercy
• putting up with my many, many faults and still loving me somehow for some reason
• giving me a momma & a daddy that loved me and wanted me and brought me into this world & who started me on the path to knowing you
• giving me an adopted dad who loves me like his own and who has been a good father and terrific grandfather to my kids and a dad to Rob too
• allowing me the privilege of growing up in a Christian home where I was taught about You and saw a Godly example before me every day so that I know what is right & wrong and how to live for You
• a sister who loves me even though we haven't always gotten along or agreed on everything
• sending me Rob (and at such a young age too) to be my husband, love, best friend, father of my children, and my life-mate
• giving us three beautiful & wonderful children whom I adore and couldn't imagine life without
• helping Rob & I to survive the bad times in our marriage and hang on to see these good days
• helping us through all the past troubles- money, housing, cars, college, sickness, no food, no sleep, no money, no time, no patience, sometimes no love...
• helping us through our current troubles- money, car, kids, work, no sleep, no money, no family nearby but our crew of 5
• being with me when I feel so lonely, down, homesick, stressed out, tired- or more like exhausted, sick...
• guiding our steps wherever they have gone
• being with us when our family was in the Philippines and our problems were monumental
• being with us always
• all the "material" blessings you've provided for us- food when we need it, a vehicle to drive, and help to fix them when they've broken, clothes on our backs, Christmas for the kids many times when we didn't have it to do, a place to stay warm and dry- and now such a nice place to live on top of it
• all the times You've shown yourself to us- in a rainbow as we moved, giving us peace when Rob enrolled in college full time, being with Matthew when he was airlifted and we were told he probably wouldn't live 24 hours.
• a good church & pastors (for the time we've had it)
• being with family as often as we can
• helping us to raise this family of ours and for your continued help to get the job done and done well
• all the help you give to us and for going with us each day to our classrooms and helping us to love and provide for our students' needs
• allowing our family to come here for this holiday- even though it hurts to see them leave again
• giving my momma five more years with us than she could have had or I thought she might- may you bless her and all of us with many, many more years of good health and wonderful times and memories together
• promising to never leave us or forsake us
• seeing us through to the end of our race

God, I'm so much more thankful than I can ever say or express to you, but I know You see my heart and You can see all the things I think of but can't quite get out.

Thank you God.

Rebekah

Godmother

Today, I became a godmother. :) This is such an honor, and a scary experience for me too. I'm not a great Christian by any stretch of the imagination. Ask God; He'll tell you! He knows all my faults! My kids and hubby could give you a long list too. Or me, I can really tell you all about me.

But anyway, for some reason I don't really understand, Maria & Tim chose me to be Noah's godmother. I work with Maria; she's on leave right now to take care of little Noah. We both started at AJE in 2005. Noah is a miracle- a show of God's love and healing and proof that God uses doctors and medical advancements and knowledge to provide healing and health. Noah had open heart surgery three or four days after he was born for a major heart defect. He faced several more surgeries, and then the Dr.'s felt that the heart defect was too serious, so Noah went on a transplant list. Maria & Tim prepared for a long wait for a donor heart for their little man. But, God provided a heart when Noah was about two months old! Noah has been through many ups and downs and scary times & more than most of us ever experience in a whole lifetime!

Today, Noah's baptism was completed at his family's church, and I was part of that as his godmother. It was so moving to me to stand there with his parents and uncle and take that promise to help guide Noah in his faith and to help teach him to love God. I took that promise very seriously and hope that I will be a positive influence and a part of his life! I bought him a beginner's Bible with Bible stories and a Bible cover and a Noah's Ark board book. I'm really excited about being Noah's godmommy!!! I even have his Christmas gifts purchased and have already been thinking about his birthday in February. :) This is going to be fun to have another baby to spoil and love on!

God, thank you for giving Noah a new heart and helping him to grow healthier and stronger with the days, weeks, and months that have passed since his birth. Thank you for showing Yourself in Noah's life and for being with Maria & Tim and their families through these hard times. Be with them as they continue to help Noah stay healthy and grow. Continue to be with Noah's new heart and help it to continue to grow stronger and stay healthy and rejection-free. You spared Noah for Your purpose; help him to find you and love you and serve you all his days! And thank you for bringing me here to be a part of this miracle and to be able to pray for and with Maria and for Noah, and for allowing me this special honor! Help me to be a good godmom to Noah.

Busy, Busy Day

It's now midnight on Saturday/Sunday night. We've been busy all day, and I could keep going, but I know I need to start settling down for a good night's rest. :)

Next week is Thanksgiving. My parents and sister are coming to visit. Now, let me say- without my kids here to argue this point with me- we are not just cleaning because company is coming. :) Boy, am I getting paid back for saying that to my mom all my growing up years!!! We always do our housework on Saturdays- even though they seem to forget this when it's convenient; and usually every other Saturday or so is a more in depth cleaning. But as always with me, I've been sort of in the "move & rearrange" mode again- which my family HATES!!! We did some rearranging trying to continue what we started when we made a "computer room" in the front living room. We didn't have enough furniture for both a living room and a family room- only one couch and one chair purchased last year from a fellow teacher for $60. But, Rob didn't really like the room even though it was the practical thing to do, and it didn't really look nice. So we did some more rearranging of furniture today, and it looks a lot better! Plus we had to do this to find a place for my mom's cedar chest she is bringing me; a wonderful treasure to me. Boy, the memories I have of watching my momma pull out hand me downs and special mementos from that thing!!! Today's list of work included:

• the usual housework of dusting, vacuuming, picking up our clutter from the week
• Rob doing a lot of deep cleaning- which doesn't get done like it should with our hectic schedules!!!
• last minute grocery run- Save-a-Lot & Walmart were zoos!!!
• picking up my soon-to-be godson's gift (I'll blog about that tomorrow, needless to say I'm about to become a godmommy & I'm so honored and nervous and excited!!!)
• get some Christmas gifts and materials to make our gifts (thank God for a credit card!)- we will be exchanging gifts with my parents and sister while they're here since we can't go home for the holiday & to save us all on postage next month since none of us really have the extra funds for that
• a quick run to the mall to pick up Robert's last paycheck and to get a haircut
• Barbara had swim team practice today too

So now, it's late, and I have our gift for Noah ready, and we had to wrap our Operation Christmas Child boxes too to take to church tomorrow. Oh, and I got a haircut today- a drastic one! I'm back to short, short hair!!! Boy, will everyone at school be surprised on Monday, and Maria tomorrow, because no one in NC has seen me without medium to longer hair. It was a surprise when I cut off my curls this summer and went to medium length hair!

So I think I'll finally go shower off all this itchy, itchy hair and try to settle down now. I'm so nervous about tomorrow's baptism service for Noah! I sure hope Maria & Tim knew what they were doing when they chose me to be Noah's godmother! I'm such a mess of a person sometimes, but I know that I have prayed for that little guy, and I am so thankful he is here. I'll do my best to be an awesome godmom.

I'm also excited about seeing my family. I've been terribly missing home again- seems like a fall thing for me. I'm also dreading their leaving, knowing I'll be even more homesick when they're gone again. It hurts a lot being way out here without them to go visit & be here for the kids' things. But, at least this year, we'll see them again for Robert's graduation in seven months.

Okay, really now, I'm going to crash. I'll have to blog more later this week as I'll have lots of things to say and emotions to get out, I'm sure!

God, I'm so grateful and appreciative for all You have done for us. And thanks for providing the need I asked you about in Your way and Your time! Even though it's not all taken care of, I know You're watching and will continue to move and provide all that is needed in every life.

Can You Help My Friend?

That is the name of a song I remember from the '80's or so; I always liked that song.

Tonight, it is the prayer of my heart. I have a friend who is under an unbelievable load and has little to no support, from home, from work, from anywhere. There are two of us at school who are trying to be her good friends and help her out as much as we can. I don't know if we are very successful, if we can really make up for all the other stuff, or really what to do.

I know the attempts I have made, have caused more stress in some ways as other people don't like those of who help out. I know what I am trying to do is probably going to cause more heartburn for her & I, but oh well.

So, God please help my friend. You're the only who can.

Miracles

I have often heard my mom talk about the miracles she saw happen in her family. My grandmother instantly healed of a goiter condition after being given just a few months to live. My grandfather whose eye was healed from an accident that would have blinded him had it not been for God. And then, my own Momma, who was miraculously healed from what was probably polio.

I've often wondered about miracles. I've never witnessed any, that I am aware of- not the "instant" kind anyway. But I've also learned that God does what He knows is best and we can't always see His hand at work. Well, I know of two miracles, and I thought I should record them for myself to look back on and for anyone else who wants to read.

Noah- yesterday this little boy celebrated his 9 month birthday. His being alive is a miracle! God used medical technologies, doctors, nurses, and I'm sure his mom & dad could list a lot of other people who have worked and are working with Noah, but in the center of it all- God was with little Noah. I know from my own experiences with Matthew which weren't nearly as long and hard as what the Brooks have faced, that God was with my baby (physically) during his near death time after he was born. Well, I know that God was with Noah too. And yesterday, Noah turned nine months old!!!

Then today, my momma sent an email updating us on our Uncle Ralph's condition. Let me just "copy" my mom's email and put it here.

As you know, Ralph was diagnosed a few months ago with stage 4 lung cancer. We were all surprised as he had never smoked. Doctor said his lungs were full of tumors and the lining of the lung was pulling away from his rib cage. They put in a tube to drain the fluid and told him his lungs were about 3/4 full of fluid. Prognosis was he had six months to a year to live. Once during his chemo treatment he was hospitalized with blood clots. They had to stop giving him one of the chemo drugs because he had a terrible reaction to it.

Last week he finished treatment and had another scan. Yesterday the doctor told them HE IS IN COMPLETE REMISSION!!! There is no sign of cancer in his lungs today!!!! Minnie said the doctor showed them the first scan and then the last. The first scan was dark with tumors and the last scan is COMPLETELY CLEAR! Doctor said he was changing his prognosis from six months to a year to several more years!!!

God, thank you for working miracles in these lives and in the lives of their families. Thank you for healing and extending lives! Thank you for giving doctors, nurses, and others all the incredible knowledge we have. Thank you for the family that gave Noah life through donation of a heart, even though it cost them great pain. Thank you for the people who have been willing to be "guinea pigs" so that others could live as a result of gained knowledge.

Thanks God for life and for your miracles!

Tying a Knot in the Rope....

Lord,
It's me again. It's 10:50 P.M., and I'm no where near ready to put away the school work and head for bed, though I need to. I've had a sinus headache and ear problems for several days now, and the dizzy spells are starting back up as well as earaches and ringing in my ears.

I know You already know, so I'm just spilling my guts to You, Lord. I know within my heart and with everything that is in me, that I was meant to be a teacher. I know it because it comes so naturally to me, and You have blessed me with a special love and ability to talk to, work with, and teach little ones. You have gifted me to be able to work with families, and helped me be able to help them feel comfortable and encouraged- most of them. You have often given me favor with students, families, coworkers, and administrators.

But God, right now, I just don't care anymore, and don't want to step foot in my school ever again! I'm so sick of things and disgusted with myself and everything! I just want to stay home and not go back to school. The last three weeks, I've put my lesson planning off until later and later, and once again it's way too late to be sitting here printing off and finishing things. I just want to be a teacher and plan my lessons and do my thing. I don't want to be a grade level chair, and have to put together agendas for meetings, keep notes and turn them in. I don't want to have to try to "lead" and help our team work together when we can't all even get along and quit talking about each other and being ugly to others when they're not looking. I don't want to fill out surveys and contemplate my "math instruction" because the principal sent us a form because someone else is telling her to. I don't want to be told that I have to put up four or five "displays" and all this busy work because we are being visited/inspected/evaluated by a visiting school, especially when having all those displays up on my wall doesn't make me a good teacher, it just means I have stuff on my walls...

I'm tired of all this other stuff that comes with teaching, Father! I'm sick to death of people thinking that we can do all this stuff and still not have to take all this crap home with us and not work on it all night/weekend. I'm not working on school work like I used to- AT ALL, but then look where it gets me. My room is a wreck, and won't be up to snuff this week for all these visitors! My instruction this year is some of the best I've done, but I feel like everything else is sliding. Why can't we just be teachers and do that?

God, I'm done for tonight. I still have a newsletter to type and print; I need to print off my lesson plans and plans for Erin and Kristen and the things we all three will need this week. I have to make a list of the things I need to run for Erin for her classroom since she doesn't have a teacher. And that's another thing God. "Someone" is upset because I'm helping Erin and sending her my lessons so she can at least teach something. You can't even help people without upsetting others who should be helping also.

But, Father, I'm going to bed now. I've tried to take care of me more this year than ever before. I've tried to spend more time with my family and not work so much on the weekends as I have. I've tried to relax a bit more, but I feel so disorganized and slobbish. And I am torn between trying to knock myself out the next two days, but yet, I can't since I have to leave to pick Barbara and Robert up...

Lord, I know I've been talking to You a lot about school this past month. I'm really trying, Lord, really I am! I hope You can see how much I want to do right and how hard I am trying to please You. Why am I feeling like such a miserable failure? Why am I so disgusted with things? Why do I have to care so much? And, I'm confused Lord too. Cyndi strongly encouraged me to leave the county and go work for a private academy or daycare where she thinks I could make just as good $-wise, but I kind of doubt.... I don't want to quit teaching, Lord. But I want to stay in Your will most of all. If you have a change in plan for me, You'll have to slap me upside the head because I'm kind of dense most of the time Lord.

God, I do love You, and so want to please You. If you could look down and see where I am and somehow send me a sign that I'm doing right by You or show me what I am doing wrong if I am- well, Father, I'd really, really appreciate it! For now, I'm tying a knot on the end of the rope, and just hanging on.

Two Steps Forward...

You know how that saying goes- "Two steps forward, one step back." That' s how life is for a lot of us, and that saying certainly seems to describe our life.

It's true for our finances, for my current efforts at weight loss, for my health, and I'm sure for my view of myself, my relationship with God, and a lot of other stuff. I just keep telling myself that at least in the end it's still a step forward. And, for a lot of these things, it used the be a lot worse, and probably more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back, so at least now I'm going in the right direction. :)

I'm back to exercising some- working on getting back to my regular routine as I was in early September and back to being consistent and my distance/time back too. Tonight, Rob & Robert walked with me three loops around our block which is 1.8 miles. And since there are a couple hills in that route, Rob thinks it's "counts" for more than my old 2 mile walk at the Y. ??? Don't know, but at least I walked longer tonight. Got to get back to doing that and/or the Y again!

Now, if my attitude, checkbook, and feelings would get it together that would be great. But for now, I'm stepping forward and trying not to back step if I can help it.

So until I lose some more weight/inches, I'm your "Big Mama" Thomas :) (I know God has a sense of humor because He made me with one weird one!) :) :) :)

Morning Nothings- Just sitting here thinking

It's Sunday morning. Rob has just left for worship band practice; I hadn't blogged that I don't guess, but Rob has been on the worship team for a little while now. I'm sitting here using Rob's computer watching Matthew sleep on the couch. I didn' t know he had joined us during the night until I woke up early this morning and saw him. I like watching the kids sleep still. It's the only time I can still see "my babies" in them really. Of course, that's funny to say knowing that Matthew is now over 6' 2"! :)

We had dinner with one of the Smith H.S. teachers and her family last night. Mrs. Valleau (Cyndi to Rob & I) was Barbara's freshman English teacher. She is a Christian also, and at least for a while, Barbara really confided in her and she has been a big blessing to Barbara and to us! She was there for Barbara on a few occasions when she really needed someone to love her, listen to her, council her..... Barbara seems to have moved on a little, and I don't think she goes to Cyndi as much (I worry about that but that's another story for another time, perhaps), but she still thinks a lot of her. Anyway, we've had dinner with the Valleau's a couple times, and they're like us. They moved here from out of state, & don't really have any family here. Cyndi has expressed her struggles with homesickness too, and I know she has difficulties at school too from time to time, like me. Cyndi & Justin have a little boy, Ben, who will be 2 next month. He's so adorable!!!!!! We had a good time. Rob and Justin really have similar personalities and their sense of humor seems to run on the same course. Kind of scary, actually! :) They were sitting last night, quoting lines from Cosby, Monty Pythons, and who knows what else, both busting their guts laughing! Robert teased me because I played with Ben while the rest of them were talking "adult" talk about books and stuff. I told him that Ben was more on my level. :)

This was so nice, and I hope we can try to get together with them more often. See we have lots of "friends" if you call people who like you at work or church and people you talk to everyday who you can joke with and talk with. But, we don't really have any "friends" that we can do much with. And this was really so relaxing and fun!!!!!!!! Our lives are wonderful, and I cannot and am not complaining. We have such full & busy lives with the kids and with our work and we are always on the go taking someone somewhere or picking someone up.... But, we don't really have friends to socialize with or just "hang out" or go do something with. Rob and I really just have each other, and that's wonderful and okay too. But it would be so nice to have another couple to be friends with/to. Especially now that our own kids are almost grown up. We should start to try to have a life outside of them, at least I think I\we should. :)

Well, I'm now going to be late for church if I don't fly. Barbara & Matthew aren't even up yet. Of course, Robert has already left for his church. I know it's wrong, but many times on Sunday morning, I just wish I could stay in this chair or in my bed (when I could sleep in it) and relax, read, snooze, just stay in my jammies and be lazy. It's not that I don't love God, I am just really tired!

Well, Happy Sunday, world. And God, I'm coming; I'll be in Your house to worship You. Just got to get going here don't I? :)

A Need

God, there is a need right now that needs to be met. Will you please provide all that is needed in the situation and work in Your mighty way?

My Bed

Last night I slept in my bed. This may be no earth-shattering concept or announcement to everyone else, but having been unable to do that due to a back injury, and sleeping in a recliner since the end of September, it felt so good to climb into my bed without any pain and go to sleep. Aaaahhh.

Of course, I woke up early this morning, and I was hurting, but oh well.... It was nice for a while anyway!

Halloween

The kids were supposed to go with the youth group on Halloween to "trick or treat" for canned goods for the homeless shelter. While Rob was taking them there, I was feeling a bit melancholy watching all the kids go by in their costumes and remembering all the years we went with our kids and all the fun we had. I'm enjoying the kids more than I ever did, and my momma was right about the kids being a lot of fun as teens, but I was just missing my "little ones" a bit.

Then Rob came back home with the kids who had apparently missed the announcement to be there early (classic kid moment!). They came home with oreos & milk for a Thomas family tradition. It made me feel a lot better! They may be teens, but we still are a close family, and they still love their parents. :) :) :)

The Thomas tradition- for YEARS now, we have come home from trick-or-treating, had oreo cookies and made "grinch milk" or "pumpkin milk" with food coloring, and watched a Dr. Seuss video- "Grinch Night." I found this video when the kids were little, and it was a "scary" movie when they were little. :) Robert has specifically asked the last two years if we're still going to do our Halloween tradition. We were talking about it on Halloween night, and he was saying how important this was to him..... It made me feel so good. Rob whispered to me that maybe the kids would carry on this one with their families. This got me to thinking, and I made an announcement to all three kids. When they have their own families, we will have to have a set time that everyone ends their trick-or-treating and comes to Grandpa & Grandma's house for oreos & milk & Grinch Night. Now that would be really, really neat! I hope they will be close enough to do that!

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it?

Today was another day of me somehow torquing off some of my coworkers. I sent an email asking them when we could get together to discuss some things. Our day we had set aside has been not working out with other meetings and this Wednesday is a staff workday. I know everyone is going to be trying to get report cards done.... I honestly didn't mean anything but once again, I apparently was rude and ugly.

So, over the weekend I got a series of emails and then today another one from someone else. I just seem to hurt people's feelings, make them feel unwelcome, and I don't know what all. There were some ugly things said in the email today, and I'm so confused.

I am really upset because over the weekend & again this morning on my way to work I prayed and asked God to help me to keep a right attitude, protect my heart from being too sensitive, guard my mouth from being offensive or saying things I shouldn't. I have tried to just be quiet this year and mind my own business & stay out of the rumor mill after someone gossipped last year and a former coworker was hurt at me. This gets me in trouble. Then when I speak up, that backfires too.

I've emailed my boss and told her that I want out of the grade level position, but I doubt she will let me. I'm ready to tell her that I quit. And, though, I adore Kindergarten & my kids I've taught at AJE, I am thinking it's time I go to another school or another grade. I don't know. All I do know is that I have never had this much trouble getting along with anyone before. And, though there have been people I have worked with who didn't much like me/nor me like them, I've never had this much trouble working alongside someone in spite of it. Most people think I'm nice and friendly and considerate, but apparently I am rude and unkind and unfriendly to most of my grade level. And I don't even know it.

God, what am I doing wrong and why? How do I fix it? Because to be honest, now, my feelings are so raw, I am so paranoid about doing anything or saying anything to anyone, and I really am starting to not like people that I had once liked. I don't want that to happen. I want to like everyone in my building. Please change my heart, my mind, my attitude, my actions, words, and deeds to be pleasing to You and to mend this situation. If I need to just "eat crow" which I've tried to do by apologizing two million times, I'll do it again. I don't mind; I really don't have any pride to swallow, so it's not a problem. What do I do God?!?!?

Please rescue me from this mess, Lord. I know I don't deserve it, but You died for me and I am Your child. Please Father, will you help me to get through this situation? And if I've done wrong, please reveal it to me and forgive me. I keep asking You, but I just get more and more confused.
I want to run away Father. I want to hide and never go back. If it weren't for Kristen counting on me for student teaching, I'd just start looking for another job right now.

His Last Race

Robert is a cross country runner. He didn't always run. In fact when he was a little boy, he was kind of an awkward runner. Then in kindergarten, he started having a lot of leg pain; for a while I thought it was "growing pains" like I used to get because he was growing by leaps and bounds that year. At least I thought that until one morning when he woke up and couldn't even walk. I'll never forget that day; Robert was trying to get up and get dressed for school but he couldn't walk and it hurt so bad he was crying and sobbing. Rob and I had to carry him out of bed and out to the car to go to the dr. who referred him to a specialist in another town. They did all kinds of x-rays on him and told us he might have a degenerative hip disease; at the very least it was bursitis which is kind of unusual in an other-wise healthy 5 year old little boy. We all prayed, and he rested as much as little boy would. God healed him and though, he never was a really good runner, he was fine. Then in 6th grade he started voicing a slight interest in trying out for track or cross country. But Robert being who he is & was especially then, a bit shy and insecure sometimes, he wouldn't go out for it then. He ended up going out for cross country when he was in 8th grade. He's improved so much since then, and what's really ironic to Rob & I is that he has become a long distance runner & cyclist. He will now "gear up" and go on long, long runs and rides. He now subscribes (& pays for himself) "Runners" magazine, reads articles and books about running/cycling, watches videos, etc.... He is a health nut (sort of) and is into vitamins, what he eats, drinks, and all that. He is such a neat and interesting young man!

Today was the last race of the 2007-2008 high school cross country season. Though he won't be going to state championships, I couldn't be prouder of him!!! It hadn't occurred to me before, but it really hit me when we drove onto the field at the park today to find a parking place and I realized that this was it- his last race (at least like this). He has chosen his college, a local community college where he'll study & train to be an electrician. He won't be able to participate on a college level cross country team since they don't have anything like that. So this is the end of this part of his life. I've often been running and working my behind off to get to his meets and juggling my own work schedule and demands and the other two kids' schedules and Rob's to make things happen and work. I've often had to miss his events & traded off with Rob so that Rob could go and I picked up the other two. But, I've always tried to be there for as many of the things he did as I could. I have always been proud of him. And I always will. I love you Robert!

Meet Samson

Okay, I can't do anything without feeling guilty or worrying that someone in my family won't approve or will think it was silly or irresponsible or unnecessary....... Boy, am I messed up!!!! :)

But, for a variety of reasons, we have been thinking about getting a puppy, but we don't have $ to purchase a "breed-ed" one, so yesterday the kids and I ended up at the animal shelter here in our county and we came home with a one year old dog named Samson. It was cheaper to do that then purchase a puppy and this way, the dog is updated on his shots, spayed/neutered (I can never remember which is for a boy/girl), and all that jazz. Plus, we "rescued" an animal that would have been put down likely. I felt better about this way of getting a dog. He is very cute and playful. Dexter is learning to get along and share, and Samson is having to learn a few things about Dexter too.

So now we have two fish, two birds, & two dogs plus my school animals (two more goldfish & two hermit crabs). We would love to have cats, but they can't be inside pets and one of our neighbors would call the city on us if we had an outside cat. Somehow we have ended up a family of animal lovers!!! Stems from the kids mostly! Kids sure do influence us don't they?! :) Well, I love mine so that's all that matters!

Blue Ridge Beauty

We went away last weekend to get a break from the city and our work and all that stuff. Although I had hoped to see more color, it was still beautiful. I love the mountains!!! One of the kids broke my camera so I could take pictures but not tell if I was even aiming right or actually getting anything. Took several shots of this view and hoped it would take. Came home and put it together to make this panorama. I'm pleasantly surprised and thankful to God, as simple as this may be, that with a hurt back and a broken camera, I got this beautiful picture to remember our trip and that God made all the world and everything in it. I'm so thankful to have had a few opportunities to see the mountains and the ocean when I thought as a Midwest-bound person I never would.

Good night God and your beautiful world!
Rebekah :)

A Bundle of Emotions- Translation "A Basket Case"

Dear God,

Its' me again. The big mouth, big butt Rebekah. :) I know you have a sense of humor because you made me a nut- a "mess" as many of my coworkers, friends, and even my own Momma called me tonight :). I hope sometimes I make you laugh. I wish I could laugh tonight, but I can't. I sure could use Your help for myself and for some friends.

You know that someone at school caused a "ruckus" about student teaching arrangements and that Kristen was going to have to leave AJE to be able to student teach somewhere else. I thank You for intervening on Kristen's behalf to work out the problem there and for allowing her to stay with me and our kinderkids at AJE. I thank You for a prof that was willing to go to bat for Kristen and my other friend. Please intervene again on the other situation and help it to be worked out for the good of those who need it.

God, I am a bundle of about a million different emotions right now, and I am so tired it's just not funny!!!! I'm so grateful to You for working things out for Kristen! I would have hated for her to have to go through that process- switching schools midyear, getting acquainted with new kids/teachers/parents/school, having to say goodbye to her AJE kids & families. I would have hated it for our kids and families who have gotten used to Mrs. Lanier and who look up to her and love her. I would have hated it for me!

I'm angrier than I think I've been in a long, long time too, and You know all about that. I feel so hurt and betrayed and yet I have to go on and work with people and somehow rise above all this mess. How am I supposed to do that?

I am so disgusted with myself for getting mad at certain situations last week and replying via email. I feel like I didn't handle that situation the way I should have. I should have had a spine and confronted the issue or just let it all go and let people think what they will about me. They're going to anyway. I am so afraid I made things worse, though I honestly didn't mean to. I was hurt, caught off guard, surprised, mad, frustrated, and upset. I never can express myself the way I mean to or want to. My momma should have named me "Foot-in-mouth"!

All I want to do in life is be pleasing to You, God, to be a wonderful wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, and teacher. To be there for my family and help carry the burdens of my family, my students, and my friends. To be supportive of those around me and to be a good listener. To get along with everyone. These are honestly the things I try to do each day; I know I have a long way to go, but I do try. So why does it seem I keep messing things up? How is it most people think highly of me, but I've made such a mess with others?

God, I am really, truly sorry for not keeping my cool, for not thinking before I spoke via email, for saying/doing anything that didn't shine Your light in my world. Please help me to forgive and go on. Please help me to be more like You and less like me. And God, thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing Kristen to stay at AJE. Please fix the other situation that needs Your help. Please help me to let go of my "feelings" and see the bigger picture here. Help me to grow up some more in You.

Work Frustrations!

To my mother-in-law, momma, sister, friends, or anyone else who may read this, just a warning. This is just me venting to myself tonight. I am probably going to sound immature, childish, stupid, or any other # of descriptive words that are not very complimentary. I am sorry. I'm just really, really frustrated right now. We're taking a Saturday trip to the mountains to just "get away" from our work frustrations right now. I sure hope the peace & beauty of God's creation & His mountains will help soothe my hurt feelings and raw emotions.

Earlier this week, a coworker came into my room and over to me and asked me, "What's wrong with you? What's your problem?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Then yesterday a different coworker came into my room and closed the door behind her to tell me that "everyone" in K wanted to know "what was wrong with me...." Then came a list of ways I have been rude, unkind, unfriendly, cold, distant, etc. with certain members of our grade level. I heard a list of my wrongs, some of which were flat untrue such as that I had changed my "p.e." time to avoid being with another teacher, that I ate at the end of the table because I don't want to eat with them, that I am cold and unfriendly with them, that I joke and cut up and am friends with so & so and so & so, but then don't act the same with others.... Supposedly, the grade level feels I am depressed or down and "quite concerned" about me. There are some that feel I don't like them....

So, of course, me being who I am, I cried all the way home, questioned myself all night and all day today, am extremely embarrassed and self-conscious that I am the focus of attention and conversation for some, and angry that people have to discuss me like that instead of just coming to me and asking me directly. If "they" are so concerned, why didn't anyone act like a friend and just come talk to me. If someone is so upset that I don't like her, then why didn't she ever just come ask me what the problem was, especially when everyone says how I'm "such a nice, pretty, funny, friendly, sweet person..." Make me puke! But seriously if I am such a nice person, normally, then wouldn't it seem odd that I would just dislike someone or multiple persons for no reason. Wouldn't it be possible that in fact, I do like whomever and that there is something else at play. Then to know that others just jumped on the gossip mill and added to it. Not to mention that I have heard almost all of these people badmouth all the others at one time or another. And I don't just mean badmouth, I mean BAD mouth. And last spring, somebody told a big lie about me to my former assistant, which she believed, and then she was really upset, hurt, and mad at me.

So what did I do? Classic Rebekah move- send everyone an apology for being so ugly and rude and making people feel so uncomfortable around me. Then today, at lunch, someone got up and insisted that I sit in their chair with the rest of this "group" (not all our grade level feels this way, by the way, just this group). What could I do but sit there? I sure didn't want to and it's not because I don't like them (although I am upset right now). It's just that I don't like mind games and being manipulated. I sit in the same stupid spot I have always sat in for reasons I explained which I shouldn't have had to- I like to see my kids, I am claustrophobic and like to be on the end, and I am a FAT A*** and don't like to crowd people so I sit on the end so I can give people more room plus where I sit I can see my "old" kids as they come in to lunch. This is so JUNIOR HIGH it's not funny! I hated junior high and I sure don't want to act like a dumb kid when I'm in my upper 30's for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to inform these coworkers of this, but my world doesn't actually revolve around them. I actually don't sit and think about ways to snub them, and ways to "show them up" (as at least one of them thinks I do) and ways to be a snot to them. I actually don't think of them much at all. See, I have a life- I am a mom, wife, daughter, and teacher. I have enough to think about with all of that without adding diabolical plans to be mean to everyone I work with to my day. I'm not that mean! I have a husband I adore that I worry about and his concerns to think about. I have three great teenagers who have a lot on their schedules (which transfers to mine) and a lot to learn and who need parents who are there for them for their problems and trials and life lessons and future plans. I have two parents and a sister far away from me that I try to stay in touch with and who I worry about and who I can't be there for since I am far away from them. I have a classroom full of little ones depending on me to teach them, love them, and be a role model for plus parents and families who need me to be there for their kids plus a couple friends who are about to be student teachers and who are relying on me to help them whenever I can. I have new responsibilities I have never had before at work that I take seriously like being on the leadership team, being a mentor and being a "buddy teacher" for someone who is new to the U.S. and certainly the "N.C." way.

I am so frustrated right now that if it weren't for the $ my family needs, my two student-friends who are counting on me, and the former kids of mine that I really want to stay there for, I would just give my 30 days notice and go find another job. I'm seriously questioning my future at AJE.

Home

I want to go home- I want to be a little girl and put my head in my momma's lap and just cry. I wish I could just go home for the weekend and be my momma's little girl.

Summer Weather- Wrong Season!

Well the weather outside is summer, even though the calendar says it's definitely fall. Wish the summer weather would realize it's outlasted its welcome and move on. Guess it's just having too much fun here with us. I've never had to run the air conditioner in October before, but I guess there's a first for everything. At the rate we're going, we'll still be running the air when my family comes out for Thanksgiving!

Yesterday, in the spirit of fall, if not the actual weather, Rob decided to start doing some of the fall planting. I had purchased mums, tulip & daffodil bulbs, and some root starts of ferns and hostas for our yard. I "helped" as much as I could with a hurt back. He did the digging, and I did the planting part. I made sure I bent over correctly and very slowly, and I didn't do any lifting or digging or hard work. The heaviest thing I held was a small bag of bulbs and the garden hose. I also went to Walmart and walked along as Matthew put everything in the cart and pushed the cart for me. Oh, and I helped Rob clean up our bedroom yesterday too, which consisted of me just taking the jewelry boxes and basket off my dresser, dusting, and putting everything back, picking up dirty laundry, and putting away my clean clothes. Then last night, I sat and folded laundry that the boys carried to me. Again, no lifting at all!

All that was not much work, but I was feeling what I had done by bedtime, and I woke up in the night in a lot of pain again! UGH! I finally got up and took some of the "drugs" the Dr. prescribed me hoping it would help by church time, but now I am dizzier than dizzy, and still hurting some. So Rob has strongly suggested that I stay home. I wouldn't be able to sit through a whole service without getting up and moving, and if I do that I'll be falling down from dizziness. So once again, I miss church. I give up on ever being a "good Christian'' in my own eyes. I know I'm not, and that's a fact, even if others try to argue that point with me!

Well, I guess I'll lay/lie (I can never get that one right) back in this chair and doze some more before I try to do some school work and fold more laundry this afternoon. Hope I'm not hurting tomorrow because I can't miss any more work.

Hope the fall weather comes soon! I'm ready for it to be fall!!!!! And I'm ready for my back to be normal again, ready to sleep in my own bed again instead of this recliner, ready to get back to exercising and losing weight, just plain ol' ready!

Until then, I'm lazily, sorely, and warmly your Rebekah :)