Power of Words

Obese.

It's just a word.

But oh, the power of that one five-letter word.

There are a lot of words used to describe people's weight.  One might be chubby, plump, big-boned, full-figured, heavy, overweight, or even fat.  None of them carry the stigma that obese does.  I've been thin, "just right" and every shade of chubby, overweight, full-figured and fat that there is, and obesity is the most shameful of them all.  People don't generally take photos of a chubby person's backside.  Folks don't usually point and laugh at a person who's a few pounds overweight.  But somehow, for some reason that I just have never comprehended, if you're obese it's like you lose all your human-ness and your own sense of identity.  You don't have feelings or deserve the same basic respect that everyone else on the planet does.  I've seen it happen to others, and I've had it happen to me more than you might think.  I've been told, "Oh, they're not laughing at you.  You're too sensitive.  People don't look at you like that; they see your beautiful smile or your pretty face..."  Mmhm... believe what you want if it makes you feel better.  Until you walk around in public in size 5x clothes, you don't know.

I remember when I saw that word in association with my own health.  "Morbid obesity."  Not just obese- but morbidly so.  That hurt more than I can ever describe.  I felt such shame and humiliation. As I walked out of the doctor's office, my eyes glued to the ground it was all I could do to hold the tears in until I got to my car.  I never told my family- not even my best friend/husband about it.  Of course he knows that I am morbidly obese, but I never could bear to tell him what those black letters on the paper said.  I crumpled it up and hid it somewhere no one would find it.

After years and years of being a morbid person- a huge blob of lard walking around on two legs, I still feel that way when I see that word on my medical charts.  Being morbidly obese is not something that just happens to you (at least not that I'm aware), but in my case, anyway, it is something I did to myself.  I am so ashamed of that.  I am pretty damn angry with myself for doing this to my body- one that was at one time young, pretty thin, and not too bad looking.  I can never get that back.  Even if I am able to lose most or all of the weight- I'm ruined and can never get back what I had.  You just don't know how mad that makes me at myself.

Feeling that way about myself already, it only gets compounded a million times over when I go out in public and have to face the stares, the rude looks, the comments, laughter or people taking a photo of my butt like I'm some circus sideshow freak.  There was a time just a couple years ago when I realized that I was letting myself stay in the house more and more because of this.  I realized that I was not going to the grocery store or Walmart or pretty much anywhere except work and church because I was so ashamed of myself and didn't want to subject myself to ridicule or my husband and kids to the embarrassment of being seen with someone as disgusting as me.  That's when I made a decision to do something about it.  That was the beginning of my journey to lose the blob that I've become.

I've come a long way, but I still have a very long way to go.  I'm still a blob of goo- just less of one. I'm still fighting a hard fight on a daily basis.  I will never be the pretty young lady I once was, but I will live to be older.  I will be healthier.  I will not be an embarrassment to myself or those around me.  I will live to see those words-morbid obesity- taken off my medical charts. That is good enough for me.

R :)

Beginnings

I don't know if I'll even share this, how I might share this or who will read what I have to say, but I want to say that I am NOT writing this for attention, not for sympathy, for praise (NO! NO! NO!), for anyone's approval or any reason that has to do with anyone outside of myself.  I want to reflect, to remember, to think "out loud" as I journal my experiences.

If someone sees this and it can be an encouragement that'd be nice, but I don't expect too many people to ever even see this or really, even, for anyone to understand where I'm coming from.  It's just a journal.  If you read this, please remember that these are my own feelings and experiences.  I am far, far from perfect and have made a lot of bad choices for which I am now paying the price.  I deserve what I get to some degree or another I am sure, and I'm trying so very hard to not bellyache about it. I'm not going to whine here or complain (I hope!), but I am going to share some things that I have experienced and felt.

'Nuf said.

Who am I?  -  A wife, a very proud mom of  three young adult children, a teacher ("school mom") of a lot of truly wonderful children.  I try to live the way God would want me to.  I am 43 years old for a few more weeks.  I am a transplanted Midwesterner now living in central North Carolina. That about sums me up.

What I am trying to do?- Lose a buttload of weight (quite literally) and maintain a healthier life-long weight.  Stay healthy and grow as old as the Lord will let me.  I want to be able to see any grandkids I might be blessed with grow up.  I want my grandkids someday to not be made fun of because of me like my own kids were.  I want to be able to do things, go places, have adventures, and see things that I might not if I stayed obese.

Where am I at in this goal- down 95 pounds (maybe more?) from my heaviest ever weight.  Down 60 pounds from the day I first stepped into the gym May 4, 2013.  More on that some other time.

Guess that will do for now.

R :)

Mild-mannered teacher ten months of the year, but in summer, he's "Plaster Man," hero to his wife! :)

We are killing the painting/cleaning/renewing process and as Rob said, "We are turning this from 'the house we bought' to 'our home.'"  True, oh so true.   It took us a very long time to buy our first home, but we are so thankful for it and for the opportunity to take care of it and refresh it.  No longer all one color! :) Yay!

hodge podge

It's been a roller coaster week.

Enjoying time with my hubby so much.  I love him bunches!!!

We made supper together Tuesday night- I made a Cobb salad for us both and he made a loaf of whole wheat bread.  Oh supper was soooo yummy.  He scored us free tickets to the ballgame so we headed off to the ballpark afterwards.  That was fun, and corny as it sounds I enjoyed running to the car in heavy rain and getting soaked afterwards.  I felt kind of like a kid again. :)

My mom had a heart procedure on Wednesday morning.  It is more hard than I can say to not be there, and the guilt and desire to be there, well it just tears me up.  Trying to be where I am, and let the past go- I can't be there anymore, it is not the same and never will be again.  Can't change that, time to just move on.  In the middle of a little cry on Rob's shoulders about that, I got word that a cousin had been killed in an automobile accident.  Just no words.

I had already promised my daughter I would do a sleepover with her that evening and we had made plans to go to Ikea together with her best friend/my "fake" daughter as I call her.  I didn't want to disappoint the girls so I sucked it up and went on with life though my heart wasn't really in it.

I'd never been to Ikea so I had to try the famous meatballs. :) Yum!  Loved the lingonberry sauce too!

Another happy for this week was finishing the kitchen painting. This color turned out soooo pretty!  Rob and I are very pleased with it!  He finished up the deep cleaning while I was out with the girls too which was so nice for me. :)

 I'm going to try my hand at curtain making I think and make curtains for the kitchen too.  And I ordered prints of photos today for the kitchen- of flowers, the mountains, streams...  Going to get frames and put them up soon.  I found a pretty round white kitchen table and chair set at Ikea that was not a bad price at all. We may do that when school starts.  

I have been having a lot of sleep issues and nightmares/bad dreams again so last night when I couldn't sleep I just worked on learning to do a granny square.  My first attempt turned out to be more of a granny circle but I'm happy with it for a first attempt. I'll get it figured out!

We worked on turning Barbara's old room into our office/craft room this May/June.  This chair is my new addition thanks to money/gift cards from some of my students.  I found it on sale at a furniture store and only had to kick in $30 bucks for it!  It's very pretty; it blends all the colors of the room- green/grey/brown.  I can't wait to sit in there and read/crochet on a rainy day soon!!!  We're going to put some prints my pop gave us up in this area- prints of Quad City sights by a QC painter.

The stairs are finally painted too after all this time living here.  The walls are disgusting, but that is going to change in the not-too-far future.  We picked up paint swatches today to figure out that.  

stuff it all down

That's what I am doing. I want to be numb because not being numb hurts too much today.

Crochet Success! :)

So one week ago I picked up crochet hook and yarn, and started learning (thanks to a class I bought on Craftsy!!!) to crochet.  I have gone from this last Saturday/Sunday...

to this, this weekend/today.  I finished my first real project- an infinity scarf for my daughter.  She picked out the yarn and let me "practice" with hers.  I figured if it was horrible I could rip it out and start over.  She picked out a gorgeously soft and pretty yarn!

 Oh the colors are so pretty- greens, blues, purples, cream all mixed into a pretty, variegated rainbow.  And oh so soft!  She liked it too, so that's awesome! Not bad for a week's learning/practice!  I have definitely found my new quickie evening hobby!

Fighting For My Life

I know everyone has regrets; I don't think I'm unique or special in that way.

Just as everyone has their own particular wishes to change the past, I have thought a lot on my life so far.  I used to think I'd change things financially or make different choices about my parenting.  As a teacher, you always think of things you'd do differently if given the chance and hindsight....  But this last year, I have come to the conclusion that if given the opportunity to go back and fix something, there is one and only one thing I'd change.  I'd willingly do the rest of my silliness and stupidity all over if I could just undo the obesity.  Oh, how I wish I could rewind these pounds, the fat, the hurt, the self-hate that put it there, and the health things that I have to deal with now because of them.

I know I can't.  I am trying SO HARD to stay focused on the positive and keep moving forward.  Most days I can do that and even pretty well, if I do say so myself. :)  But if I am being honest, I am in excruciating pain and that is making it hard.  Man, am I mad at myself!  SO sick of this fat girl who ruined herself!  I keep punishing her in the gym, telling her and her damn hips and bat-wing arms and hideous ass to die, but she is starting to fight back now.  This fight is getting ugly now.  The scale won't move even though I work hard and faithfully.  I am having to up the anty and work more/harder.  I am reevaluating everything I'm doing to see if I'm not doing something right or need to make more changes.  Went out and bought a food scale today even though I measure and am pretty good about food now; maybe I'm fooling myself or not being as accurate as I think I am.  I have to do something so I'll add that to my battle strategies.

If there is anyone reading this who is fighting this battle and is younger, I here is what I'd say thing to you- DO NOT hate yourself! DO NOT give up on yourself!  Your body will pay you back and it will be painful, ugly, and very, very retaliating if you don't do it now.  I know how hard it is, but you are worth fighting for.  Don't pay attention to the people who stare, laugh, say ugly things, smirk.... Don't look in the mirror and think you're not worth it.  Don't give up and say it's too late.  Ignore the well-meaning people who try to encourage you and tell you what you should or should not do.  Just do what you can, move and listen to your own body.

And to myself, I guess I have to say this too... Rebekah, do not give up on yourself.  It isn't coming off as fast as you and others might like.  Right now, it isn't coming off at all, but it will eventually get better.  In the last two years you've lost 75 pounds (or more) and kept it off which is not something you've ever done before.  That should count for something!   In the mean time, you are working harder, doing things you couldn't do a year ago or even a few months ago.  You can swim longer, ride the bike harder, do more weights/reps, and can do lots of exercises you couldn't even do at all a year ago.  You can do the elliptical!!! Girl, you couldn't even go a minute on that last July!!!  You worked up the courage to go to exercise classes. You flipping starting going to Zumba with a bunch of smaller/younger people and don't walk out even though you're embarrassed and look silly.  You sucked it up and went to water class even though you hate being the new kid and hate being in social settings.  You fought through the anxiety to do those things.  You did that!!!  Not with any one's help either- no Rob, no friends, no family, no one- just you!  Do you hear me?!?!  You will get through this, knees and all the rest.  You will show the rest of them just what you are made of.

If "this Rebekah" could talk to the one hidden inside me, the real me that I don't let anyone see, this is what I'd say.

Summer Fun

Back at home and enjoying time with my family and starting to put the house back in order after two years of grad school!  In that time, two of our kids moved out as well so we're finally going to be doing things to the hosue we've been talking about and wanting to do.

Our oldest with his first surf-fishing rod.  He's soooo excited and even caught a black-tipped shark on his first surf fishing expedition! :)

Our dog and Robert's dog waiting for Robert to come back.  Awwww..

Rob and I took our first camping trip of the summer to Hanging Rock.

Fun with two of the Thomas' family on the 4th!

Oh, how I love this young man!!!!

Robert and the dogs were tired I think! :)  hehehehe

I've been wanting to learn to crochet for years; didn't think I was smart enough...  I finally have time to sit down and work on it, and with the help of a video class, I'm getting it.  This is my first swatch! I did my first dishrag today, and it's sooooo much better- better gauge, better stitches, smoother!!! Yay!

When we bought our first home a few years ago, there was old nasty wallpaper under the chair rail in the kitchen and a border on top.  We had to pull the wallpaper off the bottom because it was peeling off and looked bad, but we never had the time or money to paint.  We kept talking about it, but then I got in the math program and was too busy, and then started working on my  master's....  Finally we are starting!  Here is the first section of the kitchen done today- before and after.  I'm so happy!

Summer Part 3- Monticello

We stopped at Monticello as our last stop from Illinois to NC.  Another place I've always wanted to go but never thought I'd get to.  I could hardly stand it to be standing "at the place on the nickel" as my firsties would say! :)  Learned a great deal too that I did not know so this was AWESOME!!!  Rob got a lot of new info, photos and things he can use in class!

Summer Part 2- "slight detour" through Gettysburg

My dear hubby answered my need to be a little "spontaneous" and we took the long way home through Ohio and Pennsylvania so I could see new parts of the world and drive through Gettysburg!  

This storm was fun to watch develop, though it ended up bringing several tornadoes to Indy while we were driving through.

Coming into the gorgeous mountains in PA!!!!!

Gettysburg- What a moving place is all I can say.  I am so glad we went even though we couldn't really afford to do much or stay long, it was a place I've always wanted to stand.  Much more moving than I knew, and I understand the battle itself much more now!

 This had the Gettysburg address on it!