Thank you God for a good life

 I am struggling with severe insomnia.  I've had a lifelong struggle with this since my dad died, and there are times when it is extreme.  At best I sleep 2-3 hours and then catnap the rest of the night between dreams and hot flashes from thyroid medication imbalances.  That's the BEST I sleep; many nights it's nowhere near that much sleep and much more disturbed with nightmares.  I literally, truly, seriously don't know what it's like to get a "full night's sleep."

But that's not the point of this journal entry.  About a week ago I was lying there in the dark wishing I could sleep, trying hard to go to sleep.  The first thing I always do when I wake up and can't get back to sleep is start thanking God for the good things in my life or for His beautiful creation or whatever I can think of that is worth saying thanks for- it's lots.  On a "good" night I will fall asleep thanking Him.

This particular night I stayed awake for a good long time and it occurred to me that I should write these things I was saying down, so here goes.

Dear God, I know into all lives hard times must come, and that this season will eventually pass.  And though life has certainly been bumpy and difficult this past year, I know You are with  me even if I can't always "feel" You in a churchy kind of way.  And in spite of all the challenges that have been coming our way I can honestly say that I have had a good life.  

You've allowed me to:

• be a wife, mom, and now grandma/memaw-  I remember long ago asking you if I could be a wife, mom, teacher.  You've allowed me to be those things.  I am so grateful to You for allowing Rob to come into my life.  He has loved me through so much and after all these years, after all my failings and insecurities and mental health issues, the nightmares and PTSD, going from a thin, prettier young lady to the obese ugliness that I have been most of our married life- his love for me has never failed and only grown.  He helps me understand You more.  I thank you for my children and the two more you gave us through marriage.  I LOVE my kids so very much- there really are not words.  I know I failed them in many ways, but thank you that they are forgiving and still love me. Thank you for the closeness I have with my daughter-in-love, Amy.  She and I have become close, and that was a dream/prayer I had. I so didn't want to have the type of relationship I had with my own mother-in-law.  I am SO thankful for a wonderful relationship with her.  Though I am not as close on a daily basis with Brandon, I know he loves us and how much he loves our daughter.  I thank you God for Brandon too.  He is such a good, gentle, kind-hearted man, and I am proud of him and thankful to be his mother-in-law.  And God, grandma/memaw- oh I do not have enough words to ever express how much that means to me.  I didn't know if I could be a good grandma; You know how scared I was about that!  I didn't know how much your heart could swell and grow when you meet your grandchild for the first time.  The intensity of the love I have for my grandchildren is beyond description.  And in these past few years of teaching, especially the last couple years of hell, God those two little boys have been a lifeline for me that kept me hanging on.  They bring me so much joy and happiness and laughter.  Thank you for allowing me to be a grandma/memaw and to do better this time than I did as a mom.  Thank you for helping me to be intentional and thoughtful and careful about how I grandparent them. Thank you for the family you gave me.
• be a friend and have some friends- some have slipped from my contact altogether but I have known, loved and been loved by a small handful of some very dear-to-me-still people (Tanise, Deb, Amanda, Sue, Kristen, Linda, Katie).  These people saw/see the REAL me and loved me in spite of all the flaws and insecurities and issues I come with.  Thank you for those friendships.
• see the ocean- what a powerful, amazing thing You created! I never thought growing up and living in the Midwest and then struggling as an adult financially that I would ever see it.  I imagined what it must be like to stand on the beach, but when I was finally able to see it, feel it, smell it, sense it with all my senses- God there were no words that could describe its power, immenseness, beauty.  Thank you for allowing me to see the ocean and not just once either but be in a place where I can go visit it from time to time and be reminded of who YOU are.
• see the mountains- another thing I never thought I'd get to do but was a childhood dream of mine. God the immense beauty of the mountains here in my region of the world just speaks to me every time I am able to be in them.  I feel "home" when I visit the mountains.  I have an incredible sense of Your creativity and love when I see them.  I see Your fingers fashioning them, lifting up stone and rock in places and pushing down valleys and river and creek beds.  I see Your artistry and love for wondrous variety, and I am so utterly grateful that, like the ocean, I got to see it not just once but am now able to live close enough to visit the mountains if I want to.  Thank you for the mountains.
• see the beginning of the mighty Mississippi River- what a beautiful place and so amazing to think of that giant, powerful river I grew up near starting as such a small, clear, beautiful stream so far away.  Thank you for allowing me to visit that and be able to take the kids there to see it too.  Those are some wonderful memories I cherish.
• see the Milky Way when I was a child with my dad, and for my dad teaching me to see the Big and Little Dippers.  I think of him with fond memories when I see the stars at night.
• hike and travel through the Smoky Mountains with Rob to celebrate an anniversary milestone- what a wonderful time that was!
• travel across country on a big train adventure with Rob. That was quite an amazing experience, and one I will forever be thankful for.  Again, I saw landscapes I had only imagined and the amazing diversity of Your creation.  I could see Your fingers molding the land and in unique and wondrous ways.  Thank you for a beautiful world You made for us to live in and that it's not all the same and boring but varied and interesting and amazing.
• see a small piece of restored prairie- another childhood wish- so grand and full of diverse plants and animals- I could imagine what the land looked like before we humans changed it so drastically and again cherish what You created.  Thank you for that experience, especially now that I live so far away from that area.
• visit the Southwest- a HUGE childhood dream come true for me!  Again something I had only imagined and could not have really ever understood without visiting.  This trip allowed me to understand a tiny bit more how vast, grand, and just utterly glorious is this world You made.  There were so many sights that just took my breath away, and I was like a little kid on Christmas morning so much of that trip.  Being able to hike in the hot desert, see the red rock stones and mountains of Sedona, driving through desert mountains, seeing an ancient volcano caldera (oh how GORGEOUS that place was), visiting the dwelling places of Native Americans long gone but whose homes are still able to be seen (again another childhood dream and one that moved me to literal tears to be able to actually go see), seeing the Grand Canyon (no words can ever describe that for me), hiking up in the southern Rocky Mountains and looking down at the earth below, walking in the ruins of Spanish forts, learning about the history of people who came before, seeing an old Spanish church that is still used today.... I could go on and on and on about this trip, but I will just say Thank you God for the opportunity to visit more of Your creation and see places I had dreamed about my whole life but never thought I would actually visit.
• love and be loved by so many animals.  Thank you for making me an animal lover.  Thank you, especially for the love of Sammy- I miss him terribly but am so thankful for that day I walked into the animal shelter and You helped me to find him.  I will NEVER forget how happy he was and how excited- so much so that he jumped into my lap while I was trying to fill out the paperwork for him.  He was such a loving, gentle dog.  He forever touched my heart.
• be a lifelong learner- I've learned to crochet and knit- something that has allowed me to make hats, blankets, stuffed animals, and so much more for others- the reason I wanted to learn in the first place. Thank you for helping me to be able to learn to do those!  I've learned to be a gardener and grow food for Rob and I for to share with others.  The garden has been another lifesaver for me, literally.  When I am in the garden I feel like I am with You, tending Your creation.  I often feel You there.  Thank you for allowing me to become a gardener and be always learning more about how to do that.  I have been learning about how to raise and take care of chickens, and oh the fun and joy they have brought us too.  Thank you for that fun! I've learned about history and the people who have come before us and the world we live in and its geography and nature and so many other things.  Thank you for allowing me to continue to learn and grow in my understanding of the world.
• visit Cherokee NC and learn more about the people of the Cherokee Nation as well as being able to visit the Navajo Nation and learn more about them - Learning about Native American peoples is something that is very important to me and I am so grateful you allowed me that privilege.
• get "remarried" with Rob for our 35th anniversary- what a FUN, special thing for us.  Thank you for 35+ years of marriage to a man who loves me more each day/month/year.  Thank you for helping us to stick together through some incredibly challenging and difficult times so we can have "the good stuff."
• watch sprint cars - I LOVED standing there watching those! and Indy cars and IMSA cars with my then boyfriend and now husband :) and be able to watch Rob flag races and do something he loves to do.  It makes me happy seeing him happy. :) 
• see a palm tree- just a cool thing I never thought I'd see.
• see dolphins off the coast on one of our trips- WOW!!!
• go fishing in the ocean with my son and to watch my husband, son and grandson fish there too. 
• walk through small mountain streams & hike in the mountains.
• see hundreds of butterflies around a mountain river.
• drive through the clouds in the mountains.
• see the Vietnam Memorial.
• visit Monticello.
• see thunderstorms build across the plains.
• watch tornadoes from a distance. 
• experience the ferociousness of a tornado (THANK YOU for keeping us safe).
• experience the beauty and stillness of snow many times.
• see expansive fields of corn and soybeans and winter wheat.
• watch the sunrise over farmland and over the ocean and watch the sunset over the water at the coast.
• see & hike through tidal marshland.
• see a blue heron, the Eastern bluebird, the red winged blackbird, the cardinal, robin, vultures/buzzards, Bald eagles, hawks, goldfinches, Carolina wrens.  Especially thank you for the privilege of having Carolina wrens and Eastern bluebirds raise families in my garden, and the baby bunnies that were born in my garden this year too.
• see a rainbow & be reminded of Your promise from long ago.  Thank You for being a promise keeper.
• see two of my children in love and married.
• see my daughter work hard & accomplish her dream of graduating from law school & becoming a lawyer.  She makes me proud beyond words for not giving up on her dream and for her heart for others.
• see my older son become a father and grow into that role.  He makes me proud when I see him teaching his boys about God and gardening and God's creation.
• see my younger son be a man who cares for those the world has forgotten and ignore.  I am so proud of his kind, secret-softie heart.
• see the amazingness of life- being able to see chicks growing inside their eggs and then hatch.
• being able to watch our chicks grow up into hens.
• love and serve and be loved by so many children over 30+ years of teaching.

This Job is Killing Me- Literally

 Rob said this to a friend a few weeks ago.  It really bothered me, but I tried to tell myself he was just worried and overexaggerating a little bit his concern and care.  But a few days later my older son made a similar comment about wanting me to retire early and take the financial hit that the early retirement here in NC would mean and having me alive vs. struggling through the last few years to full retirement in NC and then dying younger and not having me around.  It really hit me hard and has been in my mind and heart a lot- thinking about what they both said.

Then about two weeks ago the stomach pain/ulcer pain came back.  I assumed it was just stress from work and when it didn't let up and, in fact, worsened I put myself back on the ulcer meds the GI doctor prescribed me in the fall.  Little/ no relief from all that- three different medications plus TUMS. :(

Then last week at an appointment I was stunned when my normally pretty low blood pressure was high- I wasn't expecting that.  It shook me up pretty good.  So I started monitoring that and followed up with a virtual visit with my primary care provider.  She didn't want to start me on anything yet, just monitor it.  She felt it was school- stress related and to try to get to the end of the year and see if it improved, monitor it and if it didn't improve or went higher than 140/90 we'd reevaluate.  Okay, so I monitored.  By Thursday this past week- just three days later, my bp skyrocketed through the day and my trainer was very concerned and wouldn't let me work out.  Suggested that I might need to go to urgent care if it got just another point or two higher because it was getting up there too high.  So we left the gym with me in tears and went to urgent care.  They LITERALLY laughed at me and refused to see me and said, "that's not that high."  I left with my head hung down, feeling ashamed/embarrassed/frustrated..... and went home.  I cried myself to sleep begging God to not let me die.  I want to grow old with Rob and I don't want my grandsons to know the pain of death this young yet, and I don't want to be the one to cause them this hurt this little, besides I want to watch them grow up. 

Friday morning when I got up to get ready for school my bp was in the danger zone and we had to go to the ER.  It was even higher by the time they got me in and back to a room.  The doctor and nurse were quite concerned.  My heart tests checked out- no heart attack- they feel strongly that it's stress.  Gee, I wonder why this keeps coming up.  He asked, "Are you under a lot of stress?"  Hmmmm, you think?  

So now, on top of the two mental health meds I take (one to try to help me sleep due to the PTSD from a childhood experience and to help lessen the occurrence of the frequent terrifying nightmares I still deal with from it, and one from the anxiety from school), the four stomach medications I am having to take for ulcers & GERD, now I get to add blood pressure medication. So let's count this up, thanks to stress from school, I have added SIX medications to my list just to counter negative health problems that have resulted from stress tearing my body and mind apart this school year.  

I feel like a huge failure as a person and a waste of space as a human being.  I should be tougher than this.  I want to be a strong person.  I don't want to be a wimp.  I'm tired of my body falling apart- bum shoulder, shitty stomach, weak mind, and now my heart/blood pressure can't take it either.  

Maybe Rob is right- this job is literally, killing me.  

Uncle

 

Alright already, for crying out loud, UNCLE ALREADY! Life, will you please just take a break!?! 

I'm not suicidal BUT...

I love my life.  I have a husband of soon to be 36 years who has been my best friend and really has been through it all with me.  He's stuck with me through so much, and I wouldn't be making it right now without him.  I have kids I love very much.  I have two adorable grandsons that I absolutely with every fiber of my being love and adore.  I love God and want to please Him in spite of feeling like I am a huge failure in that department.  I have a safe home with a pretty garden that I LOVE to work in and lots of animals that I love.  I wouldn't trade any of this for anything.  Truly.  So when I say that I am not wanting to end my life, I really do mean it.

BUT...  I have come to really understand better why people who commit suicide do it, and I understand what it means when it is said that suicide is really a cry for help.  I have an understanding of this after months and months (really years) of enduring hell and trying to help children with severe mental health problems, being physically abused at times at school, having little to no support many times, and my sincere question is this- what is a person supposed to do who doesn't want to off themselves or harm themselves but really needs for the hell they're in to stop?  I don't want to die. I don't want to inflict harm on my person. I don't want to worry my loved ones or go to the hospital or have people view me as damaged goods or have a label put on me- which it would be if I did harm myself or let people know how much I am hurting inside.  I simply need to get off this ride I've been riding.  I want the mental pain to go away. Not a break or reprieve for a short while that I then have to come back to - winter or spring breaks where you get to "recharge your battery" but come back to the same old shit and endure more of the same.  I want to not have to listen to screaming every day. Not be hit or kicked.  Not have to endure multiple children throwing God-awful epic temper tantrums or harming themselves. Not having to be the mental health care worker for SO many kids (something I am not trained for) while I am also supposed to be trying to teach.   And oh yeah, not have life throwing so many other stupid little curveballs while all this is going on would be nice too.  This year has just really been crummy. 

I know there's worse things in life. I really do.  I was raised to think of others and to be aware that there's always someone who has it worse than you do, so I try to remember that at all times.  I always end up feeling like I'm being a baby or a drama queen for getting frustrated over things going on in my life.  But seriously, since July 2023 (the last ten months) we have had:

• July- both of us got a really bad Norovirus that took us out for two weeks
• August- I was sent to the ER by my primary care at the end of the 2nd week of school because I couldn't even sit up from stomach pain- I spent the whole week walking doubled over- I almost passed out driving to her office- diagnosis- ulcers (2nd time I've been diagnosed with this in the last few years- both times from school stress)- while that was going on they "see something" on my liver & have to have that looked at
• September- 3rd week of school- caught Covid from a kid at school & gave it to Rob too (our 2nd time to have it)
• October- bronchitis following Covid & car problem #1
• November- hurt my shoulders working in yard/gardens & car problem # 2
• December- stomach bug 
• January- February -got the flu & was SICKER than I have been since the first time I had COVID- BAD! followed by a nasty bronchitis that was borderline pneumonia
• all winter- continued shoulder pain that has never improved even with 1 steroid injection in December
• March- diagnosis - possible frozen shoulder or torn rotator cuff- got a 2nd ultrasound guided injection & Rob lost his phone so we had to lay out money for a new one
• April- Rob can't walk or sit up- has to go to urgent care & then spine specialist- has a nerve block and multiple medications that only reduce pain to about 50% and he can barely walk half a block now with manageable pain- waiting for PT appointment weeks from now and then further procedures/surgery

It has literally been something every month, and it's getting really old.  I think if work wasn't insane I wouldn't be bothered by all this other crap.  I normally can laugh off quite a bit, and I have been doing that all along, but this last week Rob wasn't able to work because of his back so I was driving by myself.  Because my routine was different I guess, I couldn't find my car keys one morning and was flipping out a little (maybe a little more than a little) and by the time I found them and got myself in the car and pulled away I was bawling my eyes out.  I have no idea why really; I know it wasn't really about the keys. It was lack of sleep because, oh yeah, I'm having nightmares and bad dreams multiple times a night (for weeks and weeks now) on top of everything else.  I was thinking in my head, "Oh what I would give to just be able to have a good night's rest.  I am so utterly tired."  And how tired I am of bad dreams and nightmares and being scared of the dark at 53 because of bad things that happened long, long ago.  And how I don't want to go to school anymore, and how sad that makes me.  And then I thought, I JUST WANT ALL THIS MADNESS TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And that's when this whole thing hit me- I don't want to off myself, I really don't.  But I really do want all this other shit to stop- the sleepless nights and bad dreams, the PTSD, the stress, the carrying burdens for others, the dealing with other people's mental health messes, and just a small break from all the crap life has been throwing at us. 

So seriously, what do you have to do?  Because I really would like to know.

Four More Days... Trying to Hang On Tight

 Last week we had to evacuate the room again and I had to teach in my doorway- supervising one student who was screaming and having a crisis while I taught the rest of the class who was lined up along the walls once again trying their best to learn the new phonics rule of the week.  This after I had tried all my calming, reassuring, supporting, choosing my battles..... all the tools I have plus all the things I've been told to do with this particular child by his mental health professional. 

We then just tried to ignore the crying classmate laying amongst us whining and being a distraction and throwing a tantrum because he didn't want to spell the words we were working on.  When we ignored the smaller outbursts, then he began to scream and cry and throw an all-out tantrum, but the children are so used to it we just kept on rolling.  When a classmate tried to help him and comfort him and get him back on track, he reached out and slapped the child and the screaming escalated to the point he was scaring some of the children.  So we cleared the room.  My children are so used to this, they know what supplies and materials to take with them depending on the time of day and the lesson we are working on.   This shouldn't be the norm; this shouldn't be okay. 

I was kicked and hit several times last week.  I'm so over this. 😒

I now have to do the "perp walk" with a child to make sure a student doesn't expose himself, inappropriately touch another child or do anything indecent in a sexual kind of way to any other child.  To protect the other children from this particular child, but also to protect this child from himself.  Again, this isn't okay.  I teach first grade.  I feel like a flippin' warden.  This really hurts my heart in a way I cannot express.   

And CPS won't investigate.  When I called to appeal, they told me I didn't give them enough "proof."  Said I can "ask questions and gather proof and call them back, but without evidence they won't investigate."  I felt so dumb because I don't understand.  Isn't that the point of an investigation is to gather the proof or find that there is no proof?  Isn't that THEIR job?  I even tried to explain what our state-mandated training tells us to do and what it tells us we cannot do (ask probing questions).  I asked them "what kinds of questions can I ask?"  Their response?  "Ma'am I can't tell you that."  I was so angry I wanted to scream.  I was polite, but when I hung up I was in tears and shaking.  SO VERY ANGRY.  And this child is being kicked out of counseling because his parents keep no-showing for the appointments so he's left with no help, no support.  I feel so alone in this battle to try to help this child.

Spring break is in four days.  Four. More. Days.  But it feels like an eternity.  Rob told someone last week that this job is killing his wife.  That really hurt to hear that he felt this way.  I pray to God it isn't true.  But it probably is.  I am having nightmares multiple times a night about school and really struggling to sleep.  Please God help me to make it.  And please God don't let this job kill me.

Our Education System is Broken

 Last year I had a student with severe behavior problems.  I tried so hard to help the child, used all the interventions I could think of and did all the things I was told to do to help the child.  Documented everything, communicated with the family, jumped through all the hoops. 

I was told I needed to use color coded "clickers" for two different behaviors and click every time either of the behaviors happened.  If I had to "click the clicker" for either behavior I had to stop teaching and immediately fill out an elaborate documentation sheet with the antecedent, the specific behavior, what was the child doing, what was I doing, how did I respond, what did I do after the behavior, how did the child react, what type of misbehavior it was, etc., etc., etc.....  I had to do this for both types of behaviors on two different forms.    Plus I had to keep two different tally sheets with how many clicks I made for each type of behavior every 15 minutes, then reset the clicker and start over.   All that while teaching and managing all the other children and their issues and needs and interventions.  It was untenable and insane, and I had no support.  This was in addition to all the other things I was already doing for the child as well- just "one more layer of support" I was supposed to add onto all the other things.  But it didn't support him- it was just more paperwork and documentation and for what?  Nothing came of it.  It didn't get him any help.  It didn't get me any support to help this child.  I never understood what it was all for.  And do you know who had to buy the clickers and clipboards for all this mess?  Not the school, nope.  Me, they expected me to do it.  So stupid me trotted off to the sporting goods store and bought two clickers and found two lanyards to put them on- one blue one because "blue is for bruises" as my husband said, and black for disrupting the class/lessons/instructional time.  It all was total insanity.

Last year I was punched in the head so hard I had a headache, and all that happened was that I was asked if I needed a Tylenol, and the child had a ten-minute timeout in a neighboring classroom before returning to my room.  

Last year a child sat in my class pointing his fingers like a pretend gun (holding his pretend gun with his other hand like you'd see on a police show and cocking the "gun" back making clicking sounds) and pointing his "gun" at different children and at me saying "head shot," over and over as he pointed to each of us.  When I let administration know this, they said they'd speak to his parent.  After school, admin told me that they spoke to the child's parent and told her that "Mrs. Thomas is sensitive to these things.  I understand (emphasis on I) that he was just pretending and acting out something he saw in a video game, but some (emphasis on some) people get offended easily by these things."  I couldn't believe she told me that she said these things to the mom.    Duh, of course he was reenacting something he saw in a game or video, and duh, of course I didn't think he was actually going to shoot us with his finger.  I'm not that dumb, but in light of the first grader that brought a gun to school last year and shot his teacher and in light of all the other issues this child was having shouldn't we be getting this child some mental health support so he doesn't become another statistic?  I wasn't actually saying I thought he was going to shoot us, but I was saying I was deeply concerned about a child that was already violent who thought it would be appropriate or funny to sit there and pretend that.  Maybe we could try to, I don't know, offer him some counseling????

Last year I had a first grader try to shove his penis in a girl's mouth and grope a girl's crotch.  FIRST GRADE.

After all of this I was made to feel like it was all my fault and I was a failure as a teacher.  The kid never got any counseling or support or help.

Now I am, once again, in a similar situation, and I am so frustrated.  I am over here waving flags like I can't even say.  I want the child with the behavior concerns to get help so we can change the path this child is heading down and make a new trajectory for him/her.  What does it take before we can get help for a child with severe behavior problems?  How much damage does a child have to do before he/she gets help?  How many other children have to lose instructional time?  Get hurt?  Get damaged by behaviors that may affect them for life? Why do I have to work this hard to get try to get people to see what is going on and still get nothing?  I just don't understand why we can't get help for children who need it most.  And I am so very, very tired of being the teacher who has to walk this road. Of feeling like I am killing myself for absolutely nothing (I think I might literally be doing this). Of waving the flag and caring when no one else seems to.  What is the point?  

Daylight Savings You Suck!

 Oh, how I hate the time changes.  Why can't we just pick a time and stick with it?  Today was the SLOWEST day ever in my life as a teacher.  SOOOOOO slooooooooooow.  I thought it would never end.  

I introduced the children to Hugo Cabret today. 😁  They were excited to start reading that with me!  And the leprechaun is up to lots of tricks.  I usually really enjoy that.  Today I started questioning my sanity a bit, but the kids are SOOOO into it, and it is really cute how much they believe it! 😂

And then my counselor cancelled today's session.  I was almost in tears. I am going to bed now.  Hopefully tomorrow will see me more rested and in a better frame of mind.