God, It's Not Me!

I aggravate some of my family and probably a lot of other people who know me because I'm "too hard on myself," "don't see myself the way others see me," "don't take compliments well," and a host of other such things I've been told my a million people. But the thing is God, that I don't want them to see me. I'm full of faults and failings, and though I may be too hard on myself, everybody else is way too generous with their high thoughts of me as a person and their praise. I don't want them to see me that way; I wish I could let You show more through me than I do, so people would see that what they really see is You, and not me!

I get all kinds of compliments on my children! It's a wonderful feeling! I love those compliments more than anything! I am so very, very proud of my kids! While most people gripe about their teenagers, I really can't too much, other than the usual parent/child moments, my three teens are respectful, obedient, responsible out the wazoo, pretty mature (well sometimes anyway), loving, compassionate, generous, helpful..... You know this all Lord! And, let me stop here to THANK YOU for them!!!!!!!!!! So many thought they were "mistakes" or "accidents," and I was counseled by some to not bring them into this world, but they were and are the ONE right thing I have done in this life!

But God, it's not me that makes me a good mom- it's been You walking along with me, smacking me upside the head when I was being a dense mom, helping me to learn from other's mistakes, giving me directions/guidance/help or sending me help and guidance and, most importantly, prayers through my own momma!

I get lots of compliments from many people about my style of teaching and the way I work with kids. But God, I'm not a good teacher. It's You! Lord, You know that I've been sick to death of kids and parents and coworkers lots of times. I'd have thrown in the towel a long time ago if it hadn't been for You who wouldn't let me! It's You that makes me love those kids and their families when I'm ready to give up on it all. You help me see the past the ugly and see the real kid behind all that "yuck" stuff I have to deal with. It's You that has given me favor with parents, superiors, kids. It's You that draws my heart out and makes me give myself to little ones so much. If it relied on me, I wouldn't because it hurts too much to stick your everything out there and get it trampled on.

I'm not a good friend at all to most people. I mean to be, but I fail so many times! And Lord, I know I have failed my family (especially now that we live way out here) many times. They've told me some of the times, and I'm sure there are many more that they just keep to themselves and don't tell me for kindness' sake.

I know I'm not a good church member. I am so embarrassed to admit this to myself, let alone to anyone else, but I often have HATED going to church. I'm sorry for this Lord, because I know this is not You. It really wasn't about You, but the other "stuff" that church can sometimes come to mean to other people, and the baggage I've allowed myself to pick up and the hurts I've allowed to cloud my vision. I am working on this one right now, Lord, You know that! I love to get lost in worship (especially when the lights are off and I can just focus on You), and I love to hear Your word (especially from our new pastor). I'm hoping things are going to be better at this new church, but I can't hide from You that many times in my life, going to church was just what I did because I knew I was supposed to and I should and that I would be sinning if I didn't...

I can go on and list all the ways I'm NOT..., but God You already know this. I just wish I could let You shine more and more and me be less. Please help me to not take Your credit away from You, and help me to keep on learning to be more vocal about passing on the compliments to You.

Please let Your light just go right on through me and out to those around me.

And, God, thanks for taking the "me" that I am, and making me better than I am. Thanks for making me be a good mom to my wonderful kids. Thanks for making me able to touch all those little lives I have been a part of. Thanks for giving me more time to be there for my husband, my parents, sister and brother, and friends.

I'll keep on trying.
Me