A Hard Message for Me to Accept- But I'm Slowly Getting It

I've been working on a lesson I think God is trying to get through my thick, thick skull. Just so you now, when I get to heaven, it will definitely be on the "little bus." :)

I have felt for many years off & on, a serious issue at church. There have been times when I didn't, but most Sundays (for a long time now) I have sat and felt less Christian than I should be. Some of it, maybe a lot of it, has been my own fault. I have grown up in pentecostal churches, but I have always felt "un-pentecostal." :) I used to say that I made a better Lutheran than a pentecostal, not saying I believe in the Lutheran ways wholeheartedly either. I just quit caring to say "I'm Pentecostal." I am just tired of labels - I'm just a Christian. I believe God sent His Holy Spirit to us, and I believe in what the Bible has to say about His Spirit being in us. But I'm just not very "holy" or very "spiritual." When there is worship at church, if you are looking you will most likely find me standing and, maybe even sitting, and crying. I don't clap my hands, raise my hands, dance, shout, or praise out loud; I don't "amen" or "praise the Lord" when a preacher preaches either. I have told God so many times that I hate how He made me a "crier." But that is how he made me! I can't help it; I didn't ask to be made this way. While others speak in other languages, laugh, dance, jump, shout, prophecy, raise their hands, and a host of other ways of praising God, I just sit there and cry. Many times, I am just crying because I am happy and when I am able to truly think about God & His love and mercy, it just makes me cry for the sheer thought that the Creator of the world who is so very perfect would love me. Sometimes I'm crying because I need to be forgiven for being so sinful and messing up again & again & again. A lot of times, I am crying for all the little people I know whose lives are not so good or who have problems, many insurmountable. I carry heavy burdens for those little kids that God places in my path. I've been told by pastors that I should not be so burdened or that I am not supposed to let it rob me of my joy. I know that is true. But, Jesus wept over Jerusalem, didn't He? And when I read the Bible, I don't get a picture of Jesus walking around Israel happy all the time and smiling and just having a great time. I'm sure He did have fun; I know He went to the wedding feast (certainly a happy occasion), but my picture (maybe a wrong one) is of a Jesus who felt other's sorrow, cared about the people He encountered, and one who carried deep, deep burdens that we can never fathom. I know I'm not Jesus, but I do care about my own family, the children and families and the coworkers and friends of my children I encounter. It seems to me that Jesus was more sober and thoughtful than He was happy-go-lucky, laughing all the time, never admitting that there was pain in the world.

I know worship is something you do/give to God even when you don't feel like it. Which is again, another reason why I don't/haven't felt very "Christian." See when I'm tired and have had a lousy day, week, month, year, I guess I don't waltz into church with a big grin and act bubbly and thrilled. I've been told I'm very transparent (which I HATE!), and I guess what I'm feeling probably shows on my face. So then, I get these well meaning "trust in the Lord's" & "you can't let the world get you down" & "you have to praise God even if you are down"..... comments from people who are trying to help, but come across preachy or better-than-thou. Then there was a pastor (in my recent past) who has preached about topics or issues that I have directly talked to him about the week before. I told him about a little boy whose parents were drug users and he was being abused. The next Sunday, he mentioned someone who he had talked to this week and without naming me directly, it came into the sermon. I told him I was having sleep problems and asked him to pray, the next week in Bible study, he talked about people not being able to sleep because of hidden sins and needing to repent. I told him that all the issues I saw and dealt with each week caused me to get down sometimes, the next week- a sermon about depression and the wrongs of taking antidepressants (which I wasn't taking, but have a long time ago).... Believe me, that was when I quit telling him anything and that was when I started putting on my fake "Christian" face! That should have been when I got the message to leave, but as I already said, I'm a little slow.

At this new church, a recurring message keeps coming to us in many forms. There have been sermons, worship songs, last month- a worship video which I'm still trying to find to link here because it so got my attention!, and now today, another sermon. I'm getting it God. The message from the video & today's sermon is that worship isn't about what we get (the happy feelings & emotions- my mother's been telling me this for years!), it's about what we give. The video last month & today's message keep saying the same thing- "true worship isn't really about going to church & "worshipping God" at all; it's more about the everyday living & the sacrifices we make for others- in His name- all week long.

That's when it really started to hit me! If that is true- and I'm still working on that part- then my teaching, hugging kids and giving/getting kisses on the cheek all week long, the tying the shoes, the wiping away of tears, the "I love you's" that I say all day/week long and really mean- even when those kids are BRATS, the comforting and encouraging of worried, frustrated, hurting parents that I talk to, and the silent, unnoticed prayers I say for the children and their families- THAT is the true worship I am doing. The sacrifice (so very puny compared to those who really give to God in BIG ways) -truly one I had to work out with God- of moving out here away from three people I love more than myself (and I never really told them how much of a sacrifice that I really felt I had to make doing that- they think I wanted to go and/or that it was "the right thing for us to do.")- well maybe that counts for something with God too-maybe. Then that made me remember how many times I've walked out of church in the past year upset and told Rob, well if he/she (the pastor or some well-meaning lady) saw me at work, they would know that I do fill in the blank from today's sermon/bible study topic....

So, I've still got some thinking to do and maybe some unlearning to do too- my momma always says I've overlearned some lessons in my childhood. :) (Smile, Momma, maybe there' s hope for me yet!!!!)

I know that the bottom line is that none of us are worthy or really "good Christians;" that we're all in need of mercy & grace from above. I know that if that weren't so, there would have been no point in Christ's death. So I've just got to relearn some of those lessons that I apparently over-apply to myself. Oooh, once again, the message that "Rebekah is too hard on herself!" Boy, that doesn't come as a surprise to some who know me well, I'm sure.

So, God, here's the deal today: I'm sorry for the anger and hurt (flat out, bitterness) I have right now in my heart towards certain people- You know who they are. I don't want to be angry and hurt at them. Some of them are Your chosen leaders, and they are all Your children. I need You to help me forgive and forget and go on. I need to apply some of Your grace to my heart in this area. And God, I need to once again remember that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me- especially in the area of serving You. I need to be a bit more like my daughter- "...who cares what other people think..." in that area. And, Lord, if true worship is really what you do- as Pastor Mitch read today from Romans in the Message Bible- your day-to-day living, sleeping, walking, talking, life- then help me to see what I do for You through that lens. I am going to try to get up each day this school year, and focus my lens on You in a different way. I am going to put that day in Your hands, out loud, and when I get a child I have to restrain, personal property stolen, vandalized or destroyed, a weapon in my classroom, an angry parent, or anything else-good or bad, I'm going to give it to You. All these years of school work, I've been thanking You for the good, and blaming myself for the bad, but I'm going to start giving that to You too. Could You please help me to see myself through Your eyes? Help me to quit blaming myself for everything that goes wrong around me and everywhere else that I choose to see as my fault. Could You help me to see that I am a "good Christian" simply because I do love You and that being a good Christian is not about never messing up or sinning again, but really relying on You and seeking Your forgiveness. I need to remember that even though I get mad at my kids when they "mess up" I still love them as much, maybe even more- certainly not less!

Help me to really, truly worship You in everything I do!