Let me start by saying that I'm "different" than most of the teachers I know and most of the ones I work with. I know some of them (maybe all for all I know) think and have told me that I'm too "soft" with the kids. I get the feeling/impression that they think I'm a real pushover. But I'm not. I'm just different.
See some of the ladies I work with are much more assertive about themselves than I am. They are confident about themselves, voice their feelings and opinion more freely, and are very firm. They set boundaries and sometimes they are loud with their students. That's what works for them- their style. I'm cool with that. It's just not me. I think if they spent time in my room, they would see that although I am different, what works for me works for me- if you get my drift.
I'm a lover, I guess, when it comes to kids. I am just too much of a mom to be anything else anywhere else- even getting called "Big Mama" once last year- that's another blog I should write. I am always hugging on my kids, letting them crawl up in my lap, praising & complimenting and rewarding (this drives one of my coworkers crazy with me- I think she really hates that about me)... And when I discipline it's not with yelling or berating, it's, I don't know, "softer" I guess. Oooh, so I guess maybe I am soft compared to the rest of my grade level, but I wish they wouldn't judge me that way because it works for me. Duh, Rebekah, like you're always telling your "home kids" and your "school kids", "Just because someone says something, doesn't make it so." :)
But, this week I changed; some of the others working Kindercamp noticed it too. I noticed it after I heard myself talking to a child. Now don't worry- I didn't yell, scream, have a fit, or put a child down. But I did hear my voice sounding much more firm, and I thought to myself , "Boy, that teacher's not going to take crap off anyone!" Then I realized it was me that was talking. :) Hmmmm....
We were talking about this, and Kristen commented on how I changed a little, and that got me to thinking. I wonder if coming back with a bit of attitude/hurt/aggravation/"chip on my shoulder" still from last year's "fun" (not!) maybe is actually good. Maybe that will help me not be quite so much to look the other way, allow kids to "mess up" quite so much, allow parents to walk all over me like a door mat (which is really an issue more than anything else probably)...
So, I think (not sure yet) that maybe I do have a new attitude. Now I just have to figure out how to match that attitude with my action- what action am I going to take? I can see I have some issues in my new students (got that much from Kindercamp) but what will I do when someone can't keep his hands off other people? Wants to go to the bathroom with a little girl? Won't line up when the teacher calls on the playground?
Then, on my ride home from school last night, I was thinking about all this and listening to see if God had any input, and it "occurred" to me (like it usually does when God is trying to talk to me) that maybe, just maybe all that ugliness I had to deal with last year that wore me out, made me emotionally tired, and maybe even a little "burned out"- boy I hate that phrase- had to happen to make me toughen up a bit. If that's right it took a lot of years and a lot of "hurts," frustrations, and tears as a teacher (believe me, there have been too many kids & parents to even begin to name here) to get to this point- quite a journey. Then I started crying, which is a sure sign God is around somewhere nearby- and I thought about that all the way home.
I always try to look for why God placed me in the lives of my students, and what can I do for them to make their life better and help them be their best and show them His love...., but it rarely occurs to me that maybe God is there, at school, for me too (I struggle with knowing that this is my "God call" in life but yet thinking that it is not "God's work" or that He would even bother to notice me or my work for Him- I can't tell you how many times I left church feeling like a failure because the message was about how our "jobs" aren't spiritual work and we needed to do more).
Now that I'm writing all this out, He reminded me of my earlier lesson with Denise who taught me that He is watching and He is in my classroom and He can speak through "the mouths of babes." And, maybe though I'm there to serve those little people and their families, maybe I can get something out of it for me too. Yeah, just maybe :) (Smile- I'm being a smart-aleck). Okay, God, so I'm starting to get it.
God, be patient with me, I'm still working on all this, and trying to understand it all and get what it is You want me to from it. Please remember, I'm riding on the "little yellow bus" to heaven, and I need extra time and accommodations since I'm a slow learner. :) I know, God, I'm a nut, but hopefully I make You laugh sometimes. :)
Your nutty child,
Rebekah :)
P.S. Thanks for the new attitude; help me to keep it, okay God? And maybe even use with a few adults in my life???
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