Fighting back...

I may be fed up, angry, hurting...

BUT...

I am also fighting back. This last year, especially, I have been in the gym faithfully (except for a couple periods of a week or two where grad school was insane!) 4-6 times a week.  I work with a trainer, and I work out on my own.  I work out HARD too, and I leave the gyms most days soaked in sweat and nauseous like you wouldn't believe from my workouts.  The scale moved a lot, but then has stuck, but I haven't quit even though I get really ticked at the scale and me many days.  I am NOT a quitter so I keep going.

I finished my degree, and even when the going got tough and I doubted I would make it, I didn't quit but kept plugging away at it.  While working full time and going to the gym and trying (not sure I was much good) to be part of a family.

I made a work change trying to help myself combat signs of burn-out, and I am not sure how that will all play out in the end.  I needed a change and was very blessed in many ways this year by amazing parent support.  The school atmosphere was very different in many positive ways, but it is not easy being the new one or the outsider.  Not sure if it will be better this next year or not.  I am not a fan of loneliness, and I definitely felt lonely many, many days.

I'm still fighting.  I'm still telling that "evil Rebekah" that the way she sees things isn't always true or accurate, that she isn't all that junk she thinks she is, that it doesn't matter what others say/think/do, what matters is how I live my life on a daily basis.  I am trying oh so hard to stay focused on the positive things in my life:

• God is love so I might just have a chance if I fix some things and keep trying.
• My husband's love has never failed me.  He has been with me through so many things and I know I can trust him with my true self.
• My kids have grown up into fine young adults.  I am so very proud of who they are.  They are each unique, amazing people who add to my life and bring me so much joy.  I am so grateful I got to be their mom. 
• I am an aunt to Zoe.  Those five few words mean the world to me!!!!
• I have loved and been loved by hundreds of kids in my time as a teacher.  Not too many people can say that.  I just pray that the love and care I've been able to share has truly made a life-long difference.
• I have an extended family who has taught me much and given me many wonderful memories, and I hope that I can continue to be as much a part of their lives as is possible from 1,000 miles away.
• My needs are met and many, many of my wants. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, a job to pay the bills, a vehicle to get me where I need to go.  
• I live in a country that gives me freedom and rights that are not found in many other places. I am able to make choices for myself and my life that many women in the past and in the present all over the world don't get to make.
• I have only to look around me and see God's beautiful creation all around, from the flat prairie-land/farmland of the Midwest that I get to visit once in a while, to the mountains and ocean of the East and the beauties to found in many other places I hope to visit.  From the beautiful sunrises and sunsets to the amazing moon and stars that shine at night.  The owl that I hear in our neighborhood sometimes and the cicadas and crickets that sing at night.  Butterflies, cardinals and bluebirds, dragonflies, flowers, oh so many, many flowers....  and in the smiles and laughter of children. God's beauty is all around me, and I try to take a moment each day to enjoy some of it.
• In the end, I see the best and worst of humanity on any average day.  As a teacher I've seen and heard a lot, and I know that I have a lot, so very, very much, to be thankful for.  And I am.

I will not quit this fight of mine.  Though I get discouraged, get very frustrated with myself, I am determined to improve myself.  So I will.  I just have to learn to extend myself a little more patience and to forgive myself when I don't measure up. I also have to learn to not take on what others say, think, or expect of me if it doesn't fit with what I need or know.  Just 'cuz someone says I should..... doesn't mean I have to or should.  Yeah, that's going to be quite a learning experience!

R