So tired...

So tired.

Of pain.
Of sleepless nights.
Of guilt- oh so tired of guilt!
Of feeling like a bad ______ (fill-in-the-blank, I've probably felt it).
Of growing in my strength and stamina and ability at the gym, and shrinking ever so slightly each month, but seeing the scale not move a bit.
And of doctors who don't think I'm not really trying at all when I leave the gym nauseous, sweat-soaked, and tired from working hard all on my own.
Of cliques.
Of not fitting in.
Of trying to do my job as unto Christ, and not get in the rumor mill/gossip loop/little hen's club... and still end up not getting it "right."
Of people saying they want me to be who I am, but then not liking it when I am and it's not what they want or who they think I am or ought to be.
Of the judgements of others, and especially from people who I thought wouldn't judge me or mine.
Of knowing I don't measure up to what a true Christian should be and being so afraid I won't "get in" someday.
Of feeling like God can't be proud of me and is probably sick of the sight of me most days.

I'm mad inside, and I don't like being mad.  Never have.  Don't know what to do with the mad.  Feel guilty for being mad.  I know, I'm a mess, right?  I am.  I want to flip people off sometimes, and if I am honest, sometimes I do out of sight where no one can see or in my head.  I'm not proud of that, not bragging, but God knows it anyway and some already think I've fallen from grace (and I'm pretty sure most of the time I have too) so I might as well be honest and say the truth.  No need for hypocrisy if I'm journaling, right?

I want to shout, "STOP!" at people who stare, laugh, make rude comments.  I want to tell some people, "I'm not who you think I am. I am me, not the person you want me to be or who I used to be or anyone else.  I'm just me.  Fat slob of a person who is learning to be quieter, working to be less 'fat slob' and more 'overweight, but not totally hideous person'... who loves kids, laughs a lot and is obnoxious loud with her laugh sometimes, who doesn't like to be noticed or the attention-getter (is actually physically ill and terrified of that), but doesn't want to be ignored either."

I am mad at others who have judged me by my size, by my facial gestures or the fact that I'm not energetic/bubbly/excited first thing in the morning.  I'm mad at being compared to my colleagues or to some standard that isn't who I am.  I'm tired of being judged by info that may or may not be as accurate as some think it is. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong anymore.  I'm tired of feeling like I've let people down (whether I have or not, who knows, but the vibe is there sometimes and it hurts). I'm mad at feeling like I don't measure up sometimes to other people's wishes or expectations.

Mostly, I am mad, super pissed at myself.  For letting myself become this fat blob of a human being, for causing myself physical pain that won't go away and won't get fixed anytime soon, if ever.  Mad at myself for hurting myself inside, for hating myself so much, for not forgiving myself hardly ever.  Every time my knees or back hurt, which is constant now, I get angrier at Rebekah.  Every time someone stares or laughs or points at my backside or just is downright rude at smirks at me to my face, I get madder inside.  Every time I have an awkward conversation with someone I used to be close to or "should" (their should or mine) be close to, I feel angrier at me.  Yeah, I'm REALLY tired of "should"- I use that word a lot and it's totally getting on my nerves!

R