tonight's rant

okay, i'm really not meaning to sound as negative as these past couple have- i think i'm going nuts or something because i have a good part of the day where i feel okay inside about what's going on in my room- there are certain parts of the day i feel like it's all "clicking" and then there are parts of the day where everything is driving me crazy and it's chaos (or seems that way to me) and this week it's been every afternoon that i just cry or want to cry and want this year to end so i can say it's over....

i hate when my emotions run all over the place- i want to be in control of those better

here are the things that are bothering me the most right now

• well-meaning people that i should be grateful for but who just end up annoying me
• comments that i guess are meant to point out what i should be thankful for, but end up ticking me off- who is anyone to point out what another person should or shouldn't be thankful for & by saying it to someone else aren't we kind of judging that person and saying that they aren't thankful- how do we even know what they are or are not thankful for....
• people telling me to "calm down" when i'm not "uncalm" just crazy busy and trying to keep it all done and stay one step ahead of the chaos that is my life right now- that really gets my goat!!!
• parents who dont' have the balls to come tell me off to my face but have no problem going to other teachers, other parents, my superiors and complaining and griping...
• parents who are asking for info & i can't even find a spare moment in my day to get them the info they want let alone call them back or write them a note without going back to school and working late & i do mean LATE after i get my own kids picked up and arranged and taken care of
• having to sacrifice my time with my kids- two of whom will leave me next year for their own adult lives and pursuits
• people who expect you to call them every single day and leave forty-two million messages for you
• parents who get mad at you or want an explanation for why there kid was only "satisfactory" instead of "outstanding" on their behavior today- PLEASE- when you have shoes being thrown at you or you are being screamed at or you are just trying to teach 19 K's & 1sts's and keep up with it all how in the world would i even remember something that small????
• feeling like i must be being rude to people because people keep treating me like i am - when i am not meaning to seem that way- i just am trying to keep it all together and done- let alone done well
• having to spend yet another friday night at school (which i will have to tomorrow) to just try to get caught up & this after i stayed at school last friday night until the God-forsaken hours
• having to be away from my husband so much and not even getting to spend time with my family - talking with them, joking with them (which is how we live- a group of wise guys always kidding around) just being home with them
• being told i have to leave my room and 'take a break" and then parents asking me when i will get the assessments done - like i haven't been trying to
• not having assessments done when i keep trying but have to keep stopping for the phone ringing, parents coming in, kids arguing and not doing their work & needing to redirect & reteach and help problem solve
• not being more organized or something- i try and try and thought i had it figured out last week and then it's just another big set of piles everywhere this week- i know my assistant has to be getting frustrated with all the stuff everywhere- it's driving me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!

wow, that's quite a list. the thing that is bugging me the most is that i truly, honestly try to be a happy & positive person. i think that i must not be showing my usual happiness because i am getting a lot of questions about "how it's going" and "are you alright" and "are you mad at me"- i'm guessing my stress and frustration is showing & what i really want to show is Christ- so once again i fail at the thing i want to do most.

the only thing i feel like i'm mostly getting right for the moment is that i am loving my kids and they are growing in their comfort with me. i get TONS of hugs and waves and smiles and "i love you signs" from my old kids, friends of old kids, and some kids i never even taught but who just come to get a hug or say hello to me for some reason. that is the only part of my day, my work life, my calling that i feel like i'm getting right.

oh please God, let me get this right- i so want to honor You.