Overwhelmed

***I apologize in advance. I am a red-eyed, stressed mess, so this post is probably going to be a rambling filled with run-ons and other annoying things. Feel free to ignore. It's mostly so I can just get my feelings out.

I started the new semester today. I came home and fell apart. I was prepared for another hard semester; so far all my courses have had their difficult moments, and my brain power has been challenged over and over. But I survive each semester with God and my family's support, love, and help. It's all good.

I was doing alright through the prof's explanation of the capstone portfolio. It's a lot of work, but we have time, and I'm a decent enough writer to be able to do that. The exam, well it makes me a bit nervous, but again, I can study and have time to do that. It's online so I can probably use my books, notes, and take the time I need to do well (or at least decent enough to pass the program). Those two items are capstone for the whole program so they will be covering two years' worth of material, projects, readings, and work. Biggies, but do-able. I've done very well so far in this program, so with God's help I can do this too. No worries.

Then we get to this actual course. This prof seems very nice, but has it very clearly stated that he does not accept late assignments and that one assignment missing earns an F in the whole course. So he will not "play." Okay, I can take that. I'm an adult; I can get it done, might be hard, but I will do it with God's help. Last semester of this program; I can do all things through Christ.

Then he begins to talk about our projects/assignments. I begin to tear up and my stomach instantly is hurting. We have to mentor someone (I stunk at that the last time I tried to be a mentor), AND we have to lead a professional development session. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot do that. Literally. I am not being a drama-queen; I am not being silly. I cannot speak in front of groups of adults. Kids I can do- even that makes me pretty uptight and nervous at the beginning of each school year, but I can get through that. Adults- I don't do. I HATE HATE HATE group work, group projects, "turn & talk," "jigsaw," and the million other "cutesy" ways we have to do group work in education. I'm not talking a little bashfulness or a little nerves. I'm talking serious stomach-ache, instant, horrid heartburn, blood pressure goes up, I want to crawl in a whole-and-die kind of horror. I've often joked (but not so joking) that I could probably get a social anxiety disorder diagnosis and the meds to go with it if I really told a dr. this stuff. Seriously.

I have NO idea how I'm going to do this, and especially at my work place. Where I'm now just left of "worst teacher in the planet" in some people's books. Yeah, I'm sure the powers-that-be are going to let me/want me to lead a PD session. I'm sure I am NOT going to want to do that. And honestly, if I'd known this was part of the program, I would NEVER have signed up for this. I know that's crazy, literally pyscho. I know I'll get through it somehow, but I don't want to.

So, I sat there trying really, really hard to not let anyone see that I was close to tears. Then the prof has for us, as our "ticket-out-the-door" (another stupid thing educators do), "Write on an index card what you hope to gain in the area of leadership from this course." Oh, great! Can I write what I really think/want/hope? What is so bad about just hoping to be a better teacher, hoping to lead your students more effectively, hoping to lead yourself to a better place, better understanding of the content you teach?

I'm so tired and overwhelmed and honestly, discouraged right at this moment. But I'll live. I know I do not have it bad in the scheme of things and compared to so many others. I am just being a baby. So, here I go. I'm picking myself up, telling myself to "hush up" and giving myself a swift kick in the rear. Get over yourself, Rebekah Rose. Seriously.