Strange Conversation With the Boss

Yesterday, I had to talk with my principal about a "scenario" that might be a problem due to county policies and our sue-happy society. It has to be the most unusual conversation I've ever had with a boss before. Basically, I had to ask permission to use the restroom. :)

Now, Dawn, was very good about it, and pointed out to me that in many jobs you have to ask permission (factory work for one); we agreed thought that it didn't probably occur in any other "professional" job, She also commented that it was a real statement about what teacher working conditions are like when a teacher cannot even use the restroom in her own classroom without permission.

The only reason this came up is because I am back on the medicine I was supposed to be taking all along, but quit when school started because of this very issue. So, now I am back on it and I won't be able to "hold" it all day as I was doing before.

Lovely blog, huh? :) Just wanted to record this for future giggles or to ask myself, "Why on earth did you put that on your blog? :)

Smiles from me :)

My Trash Basket

Momma sent me a forward the other day, and as I'm home with an attack of vertigo lying here in the recliner with Barbara's school laptop, I finally took more time to look at it. It was a "cute kids' saying" type deal which I usually love.

This one really made me think after I laughed. Kids often speak the truth in ways so deep they don't even know. Makes me think of the saying, "...out of the mouths of babes."

• One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

How true this is. Lord help me to forgive the people who have put trash in my basket. And please help me to not be guilty of putting trash in others' baskets. I never really thought about it like this before. Instead of keeping junk around and being mad and hurt about stupid things and having to pray and ask God for help to forgive (which is okay too, I know), but maybe I could just start saying, "Oh look at that piece of trash someone dropped in my basket; I don't need that, let me just take it out of here..." I don't know, I'm probably just slow, but thinking about it like that, just really gave me a visual image. I can just see me nonchalantly and without anger just picking up some yucky thing someone said to me and tossing it aside without really having to take time to get mad. Like the next time someone stares at me or giggles when the fat lady walks by or a coworker is snide or gets offended at me or my teenagers get upset with me because I am being a mom and doing my job or about a million other countless things.

WOW, that is really, truly deep!!!!

Dizzy

I woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well. I stayed home today thinking if I slept and did nothing it might help. Now it's 10 something at night, and I'm so dizzy it's not funny. This morning I thought I ate something that didn't agree with me or had a little flu bug, but now I guess I know what it really is...

I have something called Meneire's Disease. It causes spells of vertigo, hearing loss, and assorted other issues. I've had it for a while, but it wasn't diagnosed, officially, until this past March. It's not much fun.

So here I sit, trying not to move much, holding my head as still as I can, waiting until I absolutely can't stand it anymore to get up and do everything I need to do at once. I am feeling terribly guilty about staying home from school today and knowing I shouldn't stay home tomorrow, but not wanting to drive or go to work feeling like this either. I've been doing better for a while now, just minor hearing problems that worsened from time to time and short spells of ear ringing/roaring that didn't last too long. But over the last couple months or so, I've been noticing more and more issues with hearing. I haven't heard my cell phone ring countless times. My kids get aggravated at me because they have to repeat themselves a lot with me. I can't hear a thing in the cafeteria unless you're sitting right in front of me or next to me and I still have to try to read lips or turn my head towards whoever is speaking, and I'm having troubles in the classroom and on the playground too. A lot of times I just try to act like I hear my coworkers or kids or students and try to figure out what's being said, on a time delay- sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. Some of my coworkers don't understand and, to be honest, I don't think they even believe me. I laughingly told my principal I was going to get a Dr.'s note, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't do that.

When these "bad spells" happen, I struggle with wondering how I am going to do my job and drive and be a good mom and wife and live with these spells. When they ease up, it's bearable. Right now, though, I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach, my ears are hurting and ringing. I hate this!!!!!!!!!! I've been really trying not to say much about this to Rob, my family, my coworkers- I've said some I know- but I've tried not to let on how much trouble I'm having. I'm sick of me, and I know there's nothing that can be done anyway. If I'm sick of me, how much more is everyone else?!!!! Besides, everyone has their problems to deal with; no one needs to add mine.

So, God, it's me once again. You know I've got this dumb problem, and it's getting worse. My hearing is starting to really be an issue, and although it didn't bother me at first, the thought of having permanent hearing loss is bugging me a bit right now. And right now, I've got the vertigo big time. I need you to take care of this so I can get up and go to work tomorrow or if you want me to stay home and rest, then I need to not feel so guilty all the time about missing work. I don't really think I miss that much, but You know me- I always feel guilty about something, don't I? I'm a real piece of work, God. Bet You wonder about me a lot don't You. :) Hope I still make You laugh sometimes, though. I try to please You and be humorous to You too. I crack myself up sometimes, anyway. Does that count? :)

Good night God.

Ouch!!!!

Today I did another "classic" Rebekah move- hurt myself accidentally.

I think I might have broken my pinkie on my right hand. A similar injury to the time I hurt my left hand when I was engaged to Rob. Grace is my middle name. :):) :)

So, tomorrow Rob will go out and buy a splint and tape my finger up. For now, I'm typing with one and a half hands. Loving this.

Clumsily me, and yours,
Rebekah

Godmother 2

Yes, it's the sequel. :)

No, seriously, it's just some pictures now. Maria sent the link so I could get them and I wanted to put a picture or two or ten :) up to remember this special day in our lives. It was beautiful, and it was an added bonus to have my own kids there with me.

So, without any further ado, meet my godson, Noah Brooks!!!!

Now, I really HATE pictures of me, but I even like this one! :) Of course, anytime there's a good looking young man in the picture, it helps make everyone else look better. :)

And last, but not least, me and my young people, whom I ADORE!

Long Distance Concerts, Christmas Trees, December Memories

Once while my Momma was going through her rough days of chemo, she missed a band concert of Robert's. I had just gotten a cell phone a few months before, and thinking she might like to hear his concert, and feeling a bit melancholy for her, I called her and held up the phone so she could still hear Robert's band play. I remember it was the jazz band, and I thought she would have really liked it.

Well, tonight, I did the same thing so Grandma could hear Matthew play with a few other young people in the East Forsyth Brass Ensemble as they performed at a tree lighting ceremony in Kernersville. I HATE being so far away from the family, hate the kids not having their grandparents around for these things. My parents have always tried to be at everything they could- even when we didn't live close by they still made it to some of the things the kids did. So I really hate that I took them away from their grandparents who are a big, important part of their lives. I HATE that I took the grandkids away from my parents who adore them, enjoy their company, and would like to be able to be at these important events. I HATE that I am alone with only Rob to watch the kids' "moments" pass by, with no mom or pop to make the memory with. So, tonight, I did the only thing I could. I called my mom and held up a cell phone so she could hear the band play, and cried in the dark.

But, it wasn't all homesick and "blues" as my family is full of clowns!!! Rob, Robert, & Barbara were full of wisecracks and jokes and laughing- Barbara especially!!!! Before the event, we picked Matthew up from the high school where he had practiced, and drove to Sonic where we ate and joked and laughed. Then we went to the park for the big ceremony. We left after Matthew played, and went back to G'boro to get a Christmas tree. I even tried to do a line from the movie Barbara & I hate- The Christmas Story- and got us all doing it. YIKES!!! We picked out our tree- a pretty white pine and have come home and begun the decorating process. We have our tree up with colored and white lights to please the kids and the mom. It has all our homemade, kid-made, momma-made, and other keepsake ornaments. It is a homey looking tree, but as I sit here and look at it in the dark, I realized that, though, the tree may not be very pretty to an outsider or make my home look "beautiful," each ornament that is on that tree has a memory of a child who made it, a momma who painted some when I was little, memories that come with some of those ornaments from my childhood, special memories of our younger/poorer/harder days as a young couple with young children. I may someday trade in a "homemade" tree for a "prettier" one, but I hope I can find a way to keep these special mementos to remember a life full of loved ones and good memories.

While we decorated, we had Christmas music going. Robert went in search of our large stash of Christmas music and acted as our DJ. Barbara & Matthew had fun dancing together in the kitchen and creating dance routines to the Trans Siberian Orchestra's version of music from the Nutcracker. It was too cute and too funny to watch them dancing, leg kicking, twirling, grabbing each other by the elbow and spinning... Then they, literally, begged me to let them hang lights all up and down the hall. I'm starting to get old enough that that doesn't really appeal to me, but as I opened my mouth to say no, I thought twice, and remembered that there are only a handful of years left, if that, that my kids will even be here to decorate with me. There are only a few years left that they will want to do that, and then it will all be gone- no kids to joke and tease with while we hang up things, no kids to watch dance and laugh together in the kitchen, no kids to say, "Please Mommy, can we have colored lights in our room/in the hall/on the door?" So, I quickly changed my mind and told them it was okay. So now my hall is lit up very gaudily, but the two are quite pleased and that's all that matters to me.

Now I sit here in the dark with the fireplace going full-steam (oh yeah, I forgot to write that we woke up without heat this morning, so it's getting kind of chilly again), and my candles are burning brightly in the dark, and the Christmas tree and angel on top are all shining, and it is all very pretty. Though I'm very homesick right now for my family, I'm so thankful for the family that came all this way with me. They make my days so much better, and make me a better person! It's been a wonderful, fun night, sure to give us all pleasant memories down the road. So, as I drift off to sleep, I'll say Thanks Father for a way to share a brief moment of time with my momma through a silly cell phone (a century ago, that would not have even been possible, two centuries ago, I would have never even seen my family again if I'd made this move). Thanks for Your birth and what this holiday is really about. Help me to keep focused on that and not to forget it in all the busy-ness. And Thanks for a fun evening chock full and overflowing in laughter and fun with my family!!!!!!!!!!

Woooo-hooooo (A BIG accomplishment- no pun intended)

Okay, I'm FAT!!!!!!! Obese. Elephantine. Large. Full-bodied. Overweight. Hefty. Big Mama (yes, I've been called that at school). Plus size. And, yes, I've been told, "You have such a pretty face." :) A typical fat person compliment.

I've also worked on not being so fat for years with no real, lasting success. I've exercised, tried to watch what I eat, etc. so many times I can't even count them all. But this summer, I really got serious about asking God to help me and me sticking to my guns about working on this weight issue. My goal is realistic, I think. I am almost 37. My goal is to be as close to a more ideal weight by the time I hit 40 as I can. I may never be small, but I think I can at least be a much more healthy weight by then. And as I am making better eating and exercise habits, this weight should be able to be maintained and maybe even keep losing after I am 40, but I know this is really getting to be my "last chance" to get the weight off before I hit those famous middle-age years. Instead of worrying so much about a "poundage" I'm going to try to focus on dropping dress sizes and inches and that's really what I need to focus on.

So, without really having the $ for it, Rob and I both decided to join the Y this summer since we found out about a GCS employee discount. So since mid-July we have been going faithfully to the Y 3-5 times a week. I started swimming and treading water, but began to start walking some also as school started. I could barely do a 1/2 mile when I first started walking, but am now up to about 2 miles. :) I can now tread water for 30 minutes or more too without being even very tired. :)

Now for the really honest, embarassing part. When we first started going, I was too fat to be able to weigh on the scales in the Y. I have estimated my weight, and I think it's probably a pretty good guess. The scale has been moving, slowly- VERY slowly. In mid- September I hurt my back at work, but kept going on exercising for another week or two. But by late-September, I could hardly walk, stand, sit, and couldn't even get in/out of bed without Rob just having to pull me out with me literally screaming. That put an end to my exercise routine, and I've been concerned about it. After about a month of pain, I started doing some walking around our neighborhood, but it hasn't been much at all. Tonight, two months since I hurt my back, I went back to the Y. I started by weighing myself, figuring I'd picked up some pounds. BUT, oh my goodness- I have continued to lose weight!!!!!!!! I'm now down about 30 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!

God must be helping me, because there is no other explanation for it. So now I'm counting on You, God, to help me keep this up and lose another 30 pounds and then another 30 and another and another. I would like to do this another 5 times. Yeah, that's a good way to look at it- 30 pounds X 5. I can do that. Just a few pounds at a time. And at this rate, I should start dropping the clothes sizes soon.

THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING ME LOSE 30 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweetbitter

I know, I know- the word is actually " bittersweet," but I'm calling it this because I try to look at things from the positive- not that I actually am good at that, but I try anyway.

Tonight is the end of our family holiday time. My parents and sister have been here for Thanksgiving, arriving on Tuesday afternoon/evening and leaving tomorrow after they go to church with us. Last year we started doing Christmas too so that we can be together for opening presents instead of being apart and not seeing each other open the gifts. Plus, as fellow members of the "payday-to-payday" club, it helps us all save on postage. :)

Sweet parts- This is a good thing to have them come see us. I know from our own travelling back home how expensive it is- MUCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it is a sacrifice for them to pay for all that gas and hotel rooms and food and that they really don't have it to spend, but probably gave up something else to come. And, though I am not as old as my parents, and though my family may not understand how much teachers really do work, I do understand how tiring a 2000 mile round trip is and how hard it is to make that trip when you have to go right back to work. I know that my mom and sister both have to go back to work the day after they get back. I also know that, as my parents remind us, they are getting older and the travelling is harder on them then it used to be, so they are already really worn out and will be more so. SO, I'm so very thankful and appreciative that they would come all the way here for us to all be together for Thanksgiving!!! They could have just left it up to us or said, "You should come home to us for the holidays." But they didn't and haven't and have made the journey each of the three falls since we've been here in N.C.

We've had a lot of fun together and lots of laughs. They were also here for another round of "Parenting AAAAAHHHHHH"- the latest new parenting game guaranteed to drive you crazy!!! I was glad Momma & Pop were here for Rob and I in person this time; it helped a lot!!!! We stood in our bedroom together late one night and talked and cried and prayed together for the kids, one in particular. We also surprised Momma with a 5 year cancer survivor "thing" too since her five year mark was last week. Jessica and Barbara picked out all the decorations and bought her gifts. She and Babs and Matthew stayed home today and decorated the house and cooked the dinner and dessert- all dishes Jessica knew Momma likes and a couple "Jessica" specialties. Rob, Robert, Pop, & I took Momma out to an historical site here in Greensboro to distract her. I was bummed because I had really wanted to do this special, but probably hokey, rose thing for her as my contribution, but Jessica and Pop didn't feel like it would work since the flowers wouldn't survive the trip, plus with our distraction I couldn't get to the florist anyway. But I think my sister and kids did a nice job and Momma was really surprised so all's well that ends well.

Bitter- Now I can feel the bitter part coming, and I feel like you do when you have a big, old band aid that you need to take off the hairy part of your arm. You know it's going to REALLY hurt, and you dread it and don't want to do it, but also know it's best if you just yank hard and get it over with instead of pulling gently and slowly and drawing it all out...

I felt teary and a bit down before they got here thinking about the goodbye that was also going to be a part of the "hello," but decided not to think about that too much and just enjoy the time they were here. But now the goodbye is almost here and I've got to get myself together enough to not blubber my eyes out until they're gone and not in the church parking lot. You'd think after two years and four months, I'd be doing better. It's not like we haven't gone home to see the family or they haven't come here. I just get so homesick for my family. And knowing Christmas is coming and we can't go home to be with them, and that we'll be out here alone and they'll be out there without us. Knowing it will be months again before we see them... Knowing that it pains my daughter, especially, to be apart from her aunt and grandma who are big influences in her life and who I know she misses a lot- more than she lets on. Knowing that I took the grandkids away from the grandparents and that the grandparents really miss the kids.

So, like many, many things in life, this week has been sweetbitter- a lot of good followed by a bitter pill. I never was good at swallowing pills, and I sure have a hard time with this pill. I just keep hanging on to the sure feeling that Rob & I had when we moved that this was in God's plan. Sure hope we weren't stupid on that one!

Giving Thanks

I'm thankful for so many, many things. God, thank you for:

• Your way of salvation
• Your unending love & mercy
• putting up with my many, many faults and still loving me somehow for some reason
• giving me a momma & a daddy that loved me and wanted me and brought me into this world & who started me on the path to knowing you
• giving me an adopted dad who loves me like his own and who has been a good father and terrific grandfather to my kids and a dad to Rob too
• allowing me the privilege of growing up in a Christian home where I was taught about You and saw a Godly example before me every day so that I know what is right & wrong and how to live for You
• a sister who loves me even though we haven't always gotten along or agreed on everything
• sending me Rob (and at such a young age too) to be my husband, love, best friend, father of my children, and my life-mate
• giving us three beautiful & wonderful children whom I adore and couldn't imagine life without
• helping Rob & I to survive the bad times in our marriage and hang on to see these good days
• helping us through all the past troubles- money, housing, cars, college, sickness, no food, no sleep, no money, no time, no patience, sometimes no love...
• helping us through our current troubles- money, car, kids, work, no sleep, no money, no family nearby but our crew of 5
• being with me when I feel so lonely, down, homesick, stressed out, tired- or more like exhausted, sick...
• guiding our steps wherever they have gone
• being with us when our family was in the Philippines and our problems were monumental
• being with us always
• all the "material" blessings you've provided for us- food when we need it, a vehicle to drive, and help to fix them when they've broken, clothes on our backs, Christmas for the kids many times when we didn't have it to do, a place to stay warm and dry- and now such a nice place to live on top of it
• all the times You've shown yourself to us- in a rainbow as we moved, giving us peace when Rob enrolled in college full time, being with Matthew when he was airlifted and we were told he probably wouldn't live 24 hours.
• a good church & pastors (for the time we've had it)
• being with family as often as we can
• helping us to raise this family of ours and for your continued help to get the job done and done well
• all the help you give to us and for going with us each day to our classrooms and helping us to love and provide for our students' needs
• allowing our family to come here for this holiday- even though it hurts to see them leave again
• giving my momma five more years with us than she could have had or I thought she might- may you bless her and all of us with many, many more years of good health and wonderful times and memories together
• promising to never leave us or forsake us
• seeing us through to the end of our race

God, I'm so much more thankful than I can ever say or express to you, but I know You see my heart and You can see all the things I think of but can't quite get out.

Thank you God.

Rebekah

Godmother

Today, I became a godmother. :) This is such an honor, and a scary experience for me too. I'm not a great Christian by any stretch of the imagination. Ask God; He'll tell you! He knows all my faults! My kids and hubby could give you a long list too. Or me, I can really tell you all about me.

But anyway, for some reason I don't really understand, Maria & Tim chose me to be Noah's godmother. I work with Maria; she's on leave right now to take care of little Noah. We both started at AJE in 2005. Noah is a miracle- a show of God's love and healing and proof that God uses doctors and medical advancements and knowledge to provide healing and health. Noah had open heart surgery three or four days after he was born for a major heart defect. He faced several more surgeries, and then the Dr.'s felt that the heart defect was too serious, so Noah went on a transplant list. Maria & Tim prepared for a long wait for a donor heart for their little man. But, God provided a heart when Noah was about two months old! Noah has been through many ups and downs and scary times & more than most of us ever experience in a whole lifetime!

Today, Noah's baptism was completed at his family's church, and I was part of that as his godmother. It was so moving to me to stand there with his parents and uncle and take that promise to help guide Noah in his faith and to help teach him to love God. I took that promise very seriously and hope that I will be a positive influence and a part of his life! I bought him a beginner's Bible with Bible stories and a Bible cover and a Noah's Ark board book. I'm really excited about being Noah's godmommy!!! I even have his Christmas gifts purchased and have already been thinking about his birthday in February. :) This is going to be fun to have another baby to spoil and love on!

God, thank you for giving Noah a new heart and helping him to grow healthier and stronger with the days, weeks, and months that have passed since his birth. Thank you for showing Yourself in Noah's life and for being with Maria & Tim and their families through these hard times. Be with them as they continue to help Noah stay healthy and grow. Continue to be with Noah's new heart and help it to continue to grow stronger and stay healthy and rejection-free. You spared Noah for Your purpose; help him to find you and love you and serve you all his days! And thank you for bringing me here to be a part of this miracle and to be able to pray for and with Maria and for Noah, and for allowing me this special honor! Help me to be a good godmom to Noah.

Busy, Busy Day

It's now midnight on Saturday/Sunday night. We've been busy all day, and I could keep going, but I know I need to start settling down for a good night's rest. :)

Next week is Thanksgiving. My parents and sister are coming to visit. Now, let me say- without my kids here to argue this point with me- we are not just cleaning because company is coming. :) Boy, am I getting paid back for saying that to my mom all my growing up years!!! We always do our housework on Saturdays- even though they seem to forget this when it's convenient; and usually every other Saturday or so is a more in depth cleaning. But as always with me, I've been sort of in the "move & rearrange" mode again- which my family HATES!!! We did some rearranging trying to continue what we started when we made a "computer room" in the front living room. We didn't have enough furniture for both a living room and a family room- only one couch and one chair purchased last year from a fellow teacher for $60. But, Rob didn't really like the room even though it was the practical thing to do, and it didn't really look nice. So we did some more rearranging of furniture today, and it looks a lot better! Plus we had to do this to find a place for my mom's cedar chest she is bringing me; a wonderful treasure to me. Boy, the memories I have of watching my momma pull out hand me downs and special mementos from that thing!!! Today's list of work included:

• the usual housework of dusting, vacuuming, picking up our clutter from the week
• Rob doing a lot of deep cleaning- which doesn't get done like it should with our hectic schedules!!!
• last minute grocery run- Save-a-Lot & Walmart were zoos!!!
• picking up my soon-to-be godson's gift (I'll blog about that tomorrow, needless to say I'm about to become a godmommy & I'm so honored and nervous and excited!!!)
• get some Christmas gifts and materials to make our gifts (thank God for a credit card!)- we will be exchanging gifts with my parents and sister while they're here since we can't go home for the holiday & to save us all on postage next month since none of us really have the extra funds for that
• a quick run to the mall to pick up Robert's last paycheck and to get a haircut
• Barbara had swim team practice today too

So now, it's late, and I have our gift for Noah ready, and we had to wrap our Operation Christmas Child boxes too to take to church tomorrow. Oh, and I got a haircut today- a drastic one! I'm back to short, short hair!!! Boy, will everyone at school be surprised on Monday, and Maria tomorrow, because no one in NC has seen me without medium to longer hair. It was a surprise when I cut off my curls this summer and went to medium length hair!

So I think I'll finally go shower off all this itchy, itchy hair and try to settle down now. I'm so nervous about tomorrow's baptism service for Noah! I sure hope Maria & Tim knew what they were doing when they chose me to be Noah's godmother! I'm such a mess of a person sometimes, but I know that I have prayed for that little guy, and I am so thankful he is here. I'll do my best to be an awesome godmom.

I'm also excited about seeing my family. I've been terribly missing home again- seems like a fall thing for me. I'm also dreading their leaving, knowing I'll be even more homesick when they're gone again. It hurts a lot being way out here without them to go visit & be here for the kids' things. But, at least this year, we'll see them again for Robert's graduation in seven months.

Okay, really now, I'm going to crash. I'll have to blog more later this week as I'll have lots of things to say and emotions to get out, I'm sure!

God, I'm so grateful and appreciative for all You have done for us. And thanks for providing the need I asked you about in Your way and Your time! Even though it's not all taken care of, I know You're watching and will continue to move and provide all that is needed in every life.

Can You Help My Friend?

That is the name of a song I remember from the '80's or so; I always liked that song.

Tonight, it is the prayer of my heart. I have a friend who is under an unbelievable load and has little to no support, from home, from work, from anywhere. There are two of us at school who are trying to be her good friends and help her out as much as we can. I don't know if we are very successful, if we can really make up for all the other stuff, or really what to do.

I know the attempts I have made, have caused more stress in some ways as other people don't like those of who help out. I know what I am trying to do is probably going to cause more heartburn for her & I, but oh well.

So, God please help my friend. You're the only who can.

Miracles

I have often heard my mom talk about the miracles she saw happen in her family. My grandmother instantly healed of a goiter condition after being given just a few months to live. My grandfather whose eye was healed from an accident that would have blinded him had it not been for God. And then, my own Momma, who was miraculously healed from what was probably polio.

I've often wondered about miracles. I've never witnessed any, that I am aware of- not the "instant" kind anyway. But I've also learned that God does what He knows is best and we can't always see His hand at work. Well, I know of two miracles, and I thought I should record them for myself to look back on and for anyone else who wants to read.

Noah- yesterday this little boy celebrated his 9 month birthday. His being alive is a miracle! God used medical technologies, doctors, nurses, and I'm sure his mom & dad could list a lot of other people who have worked and are working with Noah, but in the center of it all- God was with little Noah. I know from my own experiences with Matthew which weren't nearly as long and hard as what the Brooks have faced, that God was with my baby (physically) during his near death time after he was born. Well, I know that God was with Noah too. And yesterday, Noah turned nine months old!!!

Then today, my momma sent an email updating us on our Uncle Ralph's condition. Let me just "copy" my mom's email and put it here.

As you know, Ralph was diagnosed a few months ago with stage 4 lung cancer. We were all surprised as he had never smoked. Doctor said his lungs were full of tumors and the lining of the lung was pulling away from his rib cage. They put in a tube to drain the fluid and told him his lungs were about 3/4 full of fluid. Prognosis was he had six months to a year to live. Once during his chemo treatment he was hospitalized with blood clots. They had to stop giving him one of the chemo drugs because he had a terrible reaction to it.

Last week he finished treatment and had another scan. Yesterday the doctor told them HE IS IN COMPLETE REMISSION!!! There is no sign of cancer in his lungs today!!!! Minnie said the doctor showed them the first scan and then the last. The first scan was dark with tumors and the last scan is COMPLETELY CLEAR! Doctor said he was changing his prognosis from six months to a year to several more years!!!

God, thank you for working miracles in these lives and in the lives of their families. Thank you for healing and extending lives! Thank you for giving doctors, nurses, and others all the incredible knowledge we have. Thank you for the family that gave Noah life through donation of a heart, even though it cost them great pain. Thank you for the people who have been willing to be "guinea pigs" so that others could live as a result of gained knowledge.

Thanks God for life and for your miracles!

Tying a Knot in the Rope....

Lord,
It's me again. It's 10:50 P.M., and I'm no where near ready to put away the school work and head for bed, though I need to. I've had a sinus headache and ear problems for several days now, and the dizzy spells are starting back up as well as earaches and ringing in my ears.

I know You already know, so I'm just spilling my guts to You, Lord. I know within my heart and with everything that is in me, that I was meant to be a teacher. I know it because it comes so naturally to me, and You have blessed me with a special love and ability to talk to, work with, and teach little ones. You have gifted me to be able to work with families, and helped me be able to help them feel comfortable and encouraged- most of them. You have often given me favor with students, families, coworkers, and administrators.

But God, right now, I just don't care anymore, and don't want to step foot in my school ever again! I'm so sick of things and disgusted with myself and everything! I just want to stay home and not go back to school. The last three weeks, I've put my lesson planning off until later and later, and once again it's way too late to be sitting here printing off and finishing things. I just want to be a teacher and plan my lessons and do my thing. I don't want to be a grade level chair, and have to put together agendas for meetings, keep notes and turn them in. I don't want to have to try to "lead" and help our team work together when we can't all even get along and quit talking about each other and being ugly to others when they're not looking. I don't want to fill out surveys and contemplate my "math instruction" because the principal sent us a form because someone else is telling her to. I don't want to be told that I have to put up four or five "displays" and all this busy work because we are being visited/inspected/evaluated by a visiting school, especially when having all those displays up on my wall doesn't make me a good teacher, it just means I have stuff on my walls...

I'm tired of all this other stuff that comes with teaching, Father! I'm sick to death of people thinking that we can do all this stuff and still not have to take all this crap home with us and not work on it all night/weekend. I'm not working on school work like I used to- AT ALL, but then look where it gets me. My room is a wreck, and won't be up to snuff this week for all these visitors! My instruction this year is some of the best I've done, but I feel like everything else is sliding. Why can't we just be teachers and do that?

God, I'm done for tonight. I still have a newsletter to type and print; I need to print off my lesson plans and plans for Erin and Kristen and the things we all three will need this week. I have to make a list of the things I need to run for Erin for her classroom since she doesn't have a teacher. And that's another thing God. "Someone" is upset because I'm helping Erin and sending her my lessons so she can at least teach something. You can't even help people without upsetting others who should be helping also.

But, Father, I'm going to bed now. I've tried to take care of me more this year than ever before. I've tried to spend more time with my family and not work so much on the weekends as I have. I've tried to relax a bit more, but I feel so disorganized and slobbish. And I am torn between trying to knock myself out the next two days, but yet, I can't since I have to leave to pick Barbara and Robert up...

Lord, I know I've been talking to You a lot about school this past month. I'm really trying, Lord, really I am! I hope You can see how much I want to do right and how hard I am trying to please You. Why am I feeling like such a miserable failure? Why am I so disgusted with things? Why do I have to care so much? And, I'm confused Lord too. Cyndi strongly encouraged me to leave the county and go work for a private academy or daycare where she thinks I could make just as good $-wise, but I kind of doubt.... I don't want to quit teaching, Lord. But I want to stay in Your will most of all. If you have a change in plan for me, You'll have to slap me upside the head because I'm kind of dense most of the time Lord.

God, I do love You, and so want to please You. If you could look down and see where I am and somehow send me a sign that I'm doing right by You or show me what I am doing wrong if I am- well, Father, I'd really, really appreciate it! For now, I'm tying a knot on the end of the rope, and just hanging on.

Two Steps Forward...

You know how that saying goes- "Two steps forward, one step back." That' s how life is for a lot of us, and that saying certainly seems to describe our life.

It's true for our finances, for my current efforts at weight loss, for my health, and I'm sure for my view of myself, my relationship with God, and a lot of other stuff. I just keep telling myself that at least in the end it's still a step forward. And, for a lot of these things, it used the be a lot worse, and probably more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back, so at least now I'm going in the right direction. :)

I'm back to exercising some- working on getting back to my regular routine as I was in early September and back to being consistent and my distance/time back too. Tonight, Rob & Robert walked with me three loops around our block which is 1.8 miles. And since there are a couple hills in that route, Rob thinks it's "counts" for more than my old 2 mile walk at the Y. ??? Don't know, but at least I walked longer tonight. Got to get back to doing that and/or the Y again!

Now, if my attitude, checkbook, and feelings would get it together that would be great. But for now, I'm stepping forward and trying not to back step if I can help it.

So until I lose some more weight/inches, I'm your "Big Mama" Thomas :) (I know God has a sense of humor because He made me with one weird one!) :) :) :)

Morning Nothings- Just sitting here thinking

It's Sunday morning. Rob has just left for worship band practice; I hadn't blogged that I don't guess, but Rob has been on the worship team for a little while now. I'm sitting here using Rob's computer watching Matthew sleep on the couch. I didn' t know he had joined us during the night until I woke up early this morning and saw him. I like watching the kids sleep still. It's the only time I can still see "my babies" in them really. Of course, that's funny to say knowing that Matthew is now over 6' 2"! :)

We had dinner with one of the Smith H.S. teachers and her family last night. Mrs. Valleau (Cyndi to Rob & I) was Barbara's freshman English teacher. She is a Christian also, and at least for a while, Barbara really confided in her and she has been a big blessing to Barbara and to us! She was there for Barbara on a few occasions when she really needed someone to love her, listen to her, council her..... Barbara seems to have moved on a little, and I don't think she goes to Cyndi as much (I worry about that but that's another story for another time, perhaps), but she still thinks a lot of her. Anyway, we've had dinner with the Valleau's a couple times, and they're like us. They moved here from out of state, & don't really have any family here. Cyndi has expressed her struggles with homesickness too, and I know she has difficulties at school too from time to time, like me. Cyndi & Justin have a little boy, Ben, who will be 2 next month. He's so adorable!!!!!! We had a good time. Rob and Justin really have similar personalities and their sense of humor seems to run on the same course. Kind of scary, actually! :) They were sitting last night, quoting lines from Cosby, Monty Pythons, and who knows what else, both busting their guts laughing! Robert teased me because I played with Ben while the rest of them were talking "adult" talk about books and stuff. I told him that Ben was more on my level. :)

This was so nice, and I hope we can try to get together with them more often. See we have lots of "friends" if you call people who like you at work or church and people you talk to everyday who you can joke with and talk with. But, we don't really have any "friends" that we can do much with. And this was really so relaxing and fun!!!!!!!! Our lives are wonderful, and I cannot and am not complaining. We have such full & busy lives with the kids and with our work and we are always on the go taking someone somewhere or picking someone up.... But, we don't really have friends to socialize with or just "hang out" or go do something with. Rob and I really just have each other, and that's wonderful and okay too. But it would be so nice to have another couple to be friends with/to. Especially now that our own kids are almost grown up. We should start to try to have a life outside of them, at least I think I\we should. :)

Well, I'm now going to be late for church if I don't fly. Barbara & Matthew aren't even up yet. Of course, Robert has already left for his church. I know it's wrong, but many times on Sunday morning, I just wish I could stay in this chair or in my bed (when I could sleep in it) and relax, read, snooze, just stay in my jammies and be lazy. It's not that I don't love God, I am just really tired!

Well, Happy Sunday, world. And God, I'm coming; I'll be in Your house to worship You. Just got to get going here don't I? :)

A Need

God, there is a need right now that needs to be met. Will you please provide all that is needed in the situation and work in Your mighty way?

My Bed

Last night I slept in my bed. This may be no earth-shattering concept or announcement to everyone else, but having been unable to do that due to a back injury, and sleeping in a recliner since the end of September, it felt so good to climb into my bed without any pain and go to sleep. Aaaahhh.

Of course, I woke up early this morning, and I was hurting, but oh well.... It was nice for a while anyway!

Halloween

The kids were supposed to go with the youth group on Halloween to "trick or treat" for canned goods for the homeless shelter. While Rob was taking them there, I was feeling a bit melancholy watching all the kids go by in their costumes and remembering all the years we went with our kids and all the fun we had. I'm enjoying the kids more than I ever did, and my momma was right about the kids being a lot of fun as teens, but I was just missing my "little ones" a bit.

Then Rob came back home with the kids who had apparently missed the announcement to be there early (classic kid moment!). They came home with oreos & milk for a Thomas family tradition. It made me feel a lot better! They may be teens, but we still are a close family, and they still love their parents. :) :) :)

The Thomas tradition- for YEARS now, we have come home from trick-or-treating, had oreo cookies and made "grinch milk" or "pumpkin milk" with food coloring, and watched a Dr. Seuss video- "Grinch Night." I found this video when the kids were little, and it was a "scary" movie when they were little. :) Robert has specifically asked the last two years if we're still going to do our Halloween tradition. We were talking about it on Halloween night, and he was saying how important this was to him..... It made me feel so good. Rob whispered to me that maybe the kids would carry on this one with their families. This got me to thinking, and I made an announcement to all three kids. When they have their own families, we will have to have a set time that everyone ends their trick-or-treating and comes to Grandpa & Grandma's house for oreos & milk & Grinch Night. Now that would be really, really neat! I hope they will be close enough to do that!

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it?

Today was another day of me somehow torquing off some of my coworkers. I sent an email asking them when we could get together to discuss some things. Our day we had set aside has been not working out with other meetings and this Wednesday is a staff workday. I know everyone is going to be trying to get report cards done.... I honestly didn't mean anything but once again, I apparently was rude and ugly.

So, over the weekend I got a series of emails and then today another one from someone else. I just seem to hurt people's feelings, make them feel unwelcome, and I don't know what all. There were some ugly things said in the email today, and I'm so confused.

I am really upset because over the weekend & again this morning on my way to work I prayed and asked God to help me to keep a right attitude, protect my heart from being too sensitive, guard my mouth from being offensive or saying things I shouldn't. I have tried to just be quiet this year and mind my own business & stay out of the rumor mill after someone gossipped last year and a former coworker was hurt at me. This gets me in trouble. Then when I speak up, that backfires too.

I've emailed my boss and told her that I want out of the grade level position, but I doubt she will let me. I'm ready to tell her that I quit. And, though, I adore Kindergarten & my kids I've taught at AJE, I am thinking it's time I go to another school or another grade. I don't know. All I do know is that I have never had this much trouble getting along with anyone before. And, though there have been people I have worked with who didn't much like me/nor me like them, I've never had this much trouble working alongside someone in spite of it. Most people think I'm nice and friendly and considerate, but apparently I am rude and unkind and unfriendly to most of my grade level. And I don't even know it.

God, what am I doing wrong and why? How do I fix it? Because to be honest, now, my feelings are so raw, I am so paranoid about doing anything or saying anything to anyone, and I really am starting to not like people that I had once liked. I don't want that to happen. I want to like everyone in my building. Please change my heart, my mind, my attitude, my actions, words, and deeds to be pleasing to You and to mend this situation. If I need to just "eat crow" which I've tried to do by apologizing two million times, I'll do it again. I don't mind; I really don't have any pride to swallow, so it's not a problem. What do I do God?!?!?

Please rescue me from this mess, Lord. I know I don't deserve it, but You died for me and I am Your child. Please Father, will you help me to get through this situation? And if I've done wrong, please reveal it to me and forgive me. I keep asking You, but I just get more and more confused.
I want to run away Father. I want to hide and never go back. If it weren't for Kristen counting on me for student teaching, I'd just start looking for another job right now.