Goals/Milestones

I hesitate to post this.  Some of it is silly, really silly.  Much of it is extremely personal.  Some of it I don't want to share with anyone; I want to keep some things to myself.  I don't expect anyone to understand some of these; they truly are corny I know.  But they are mine and they make sense to me.

As I started this journey I had lots of things I wanted to see/do/happen.  Some I thought could become reality.  Others I thought would be nice but didn't hold my breath.  Then there were some goals I wished for but didn't think I could do.  As I work my way to a healthier weight, some of these have happened, are close to happening or maybe will someday.  I'm also going to have to put some of these to the side or change my goals.  I'm learning to be okay with all of that too.  All the blue goals have been accomplished.

Specific weight goals-

• weigh less than 300 pounds
• long term- weigh less than 200 pounds
• lose 100 pounds
• Now I'm thinking about the possibility of me losing 200 pounds (that's a VERY recent thing for me)

Clothes-

• Drop ___ pant sizes
• Drop to a size ___
• Be able to close my jacket/sweater
• Buy new clothes because I have "ungrown" my clothes instead of outgrown
• Be able to buy clothes in a "regular person" store (Walmart, Target, Kohl's)
• buy new underwear (going to do that this weekend!) :)

Little things that you might not think of

• have my car door ajar light go off when I sit in the car instead of always being on because my big hips are in the way
• be able to fit into the chairs at the doctor's office
• be able to fit into public seating at the ballpark/theater/etc.
• someday be able to ride carnival rides with my niece and future grandkids
• be able to sit on the floor with my students again for storytime or to play a game

Exercise goals- Really, these are all things I have added as I worked with my trainer and realized that I could really do more than I knew!  I never even knew I could do a lot of this!

• be able to do 100 situps/crunches
• be able to do pushups
• be able to run (I have to let this one go due to serious arthritis and future knee replacements)
• being able to plank & side plank for more than 1 minute (who knew I could do that?)
• being able to workout in classes with other fit/more fit people & not be a total embarrassment to myself
• have some coordination
• dance with at least some level of decent balance/footwork/grace- not ever going to be amazing, but I'd love to not look a fool :)

"Motivation"

A while back someone told me, "Isn't it wonderful that you're finally motivated?" referring to my weight loss success.  I know it was one of those well-meaning kinds of comments, but it bothered me.  I can't speak for anyone else.  I only know my own history and where I'm trying to get to now.

Motivation- what is it exactly?  What is it not?

The dictionary says it is a lack of interest or enthusiasm in something.  The thesaurus lists these words as synonyms:  apathetic, indifferent, lazy, unambitious, uninspiring, unmoved.

While I won't lie and say I was motivated enough to stick with the hard times, my obesity was certainly not a result of me being apathetic, indifferent or unmoved.  I never lacked interest in being healthier.  To me the word "unmotivated" implies being lazy.  I am a lot of things, but I don't think lazy would be one of the words anyone who knows me would use to describe me.   I had three children in three years while I was earning my bachelor's degree and carried a good GPA too.  I have worked full & part time jobs and most of my summers "off" were spent working in daycares, babysitting, or tutoring.  I've served as Mom's Taxi for years and years and am always finding some project to do for someone; in fact my family teases me about how I can never just sit still and do "nothing" like watch t.v. or a movie.   I am always doing something- constantly!

I have always cared more than anyone knew about my weight, about being heavy/fat/obese/morbidly obese.  I have always wanted it to be different, to do something about it, to fix it, to be the thin person I once was.  I have tried many, many times to go to the gym, to walk, to change my food habits, to do all the right things I knew to do.  But when the hard times came, and they did, I couldn't find my way through it.  It was never about motivation, but more about discouragement and not believing in myself that made me lose step with the long-term goal.  It was more about putting everyone else first and myself not even making the list.

Now I've been working for eighteen months in the gym, the longest I've ever stuck with an exercise program.  It's part of my life now.  I could stop tomorrow; it wouldn't be that hard.  Life is busy for everyone, including me.  Going to the gym, sweating, working out, those things are not easy- whether you're fat or thin, in shape or out- working out is HARD WORK!!!!  I'll never be able to take a break from that.  I know this is a life long battle that I will have to stick with to maintain the successes I've had and the ones that are yet to come.

But the success I've had so far is not because I'm suddenly this wonderfully motivated person.  It's because day-in & day-out I keep exercising and doing what I need to do.  Some days I am motivated and want to go to the gym, looking forward to the good feelings I'll have and the pride I feel in myself.  Other days I have to make myself go to the gym because I know it's the right thing to do or because I can't let a day's laziness undo all my hard work.  I know that one day of laziness leads to two, then to three.....  My weight loss is because I work VERY HARD and put in a lot of time and effort.  I am dedicated to making changes and accomplishing my goals.  I guess that's what some people call motivation, but to me, it's not some cliche word.  It's a hard, effort-ful thing.  If it were only as easy as "just being motivated" everyone would lose weight!

Okay, I'm done with my soapbox for tonight.

R :)

Sara Bareilles - Brave

I love this song but maybe even more the video.  The "fat" dude and the gym guy are my personal heroes.

The words of this song have been speaking to my heart since the first time I heard it, and I keep thinking about them.  I wish I were brave in this way, and maybe that's what this writing should be about.

The parts of this song that speak to me the most...

"You can be the outcast or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love..."

"Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do when they settle 'neath your skin, kept on the inside & no sunlight..."

"Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in."

I've been working so very hard for the last couple years on getting out of the cage I found myself in- mentally & physically.  It's not easy work and it won't be over for a long time, if ever.  I think of that part almost every day when I am in the gym- my fat butt riding the bike, working the elliptical, dancing the moves in Zumba, sweating with my trainer- it's all me trying to break out of the physical cage I put myself in.  Mentally, well that's a whole 'nother Oprah (as I like to say), but I try. I have glimpses of light shining down on me and then I smile a little.  It's enough to hold me over.

And as for being brave, well I'm not but I'm trying to be.  I'm going to keep trying to put this all into words and "say what I want to say.

R :)

Power of Words

Obese.

It's just a word.

But oh, the power of that one five-letter word.

There are a lot of words used to describe people's weight.  One might be chubby, plump, big-boned, full-figured, heavy, overweight, or even fat.  None of them carry the stigma that obese does.  I've been thin, "just right" and every shade of chubby, overweight, full-figured and fat that there is, and obesity is the most shameful of them all.  People don't generally take photos of a chubby person's backside.  Folks don't usually point and laugh at a person who's a few pounds overweight.  But somehow, for some reason that I just have never comprehended, if you're obese it's like you lose all your human-ness and your own sense of identity.  You don't have feelings or deserve the same basic respect that everyone else on the planet does.  I've seen it happen to others, and I've had it happen to me more than you might think.  I've been told, "Oh, they're not laughing at you.  You're too sensitive.  People don't look at you like that; they see your beautiful smile or your pretty face..."  Mmhm... believe what you want if it makes you feel better.  Until you walk around in public in size 5x clothes, you don't know.

I remember when I saw that word in association with my own health.  "Morbid obesity."  Not just obese- but morbidly so.  That hurt more than I can ever describe.  I felt such shame and humiliation. As I walked out of the doctor's office, my eyes glued to the ground it was all I could do to hold the tears in until I got to my car.  I never told my family- not even my best friend/husband about it.  Of course he knows that I am morbidly obese, but I never could bear to tell him what those black letters on the paper said.  I crumpled it up and hid it somewhere no one would find it.

After years and years of being a morbid person- a huge blob of lard walking around on two legs, I still feel that way when I see that word on my medical charts.  Being morbidly obese is not something that just happens to you (at least not that I'm aware), but in my case, anyway, it is something I did to myself.  I am so ashamed of that.  I am pretty damn angry with myself for doing this to my body- one that was at one time young, pretty thin, and not too bad looking.  I can never get that back.  Even if I am able to lose most or all of the weight- I'm ruined and can never get back what I had.  You just don't know how mad that makes me at myself.

Feeling that way about myself already, it only gets compounded a million times over when I go out in public and have to face the stares, the rude looks, the comments, laughter or people taking a photo of my butt like I'm some circus sideshow freak.  There was a time just a couple years ago when I realized that I was letting myself stay in the house more and more because of this.  I realized that I was not going to the grocery store or Walmart or pretty much anywhere except work and church because I was so ashamed of myself and didn't want to subject myself to ridicule or my husband and kids to the embarrassment of being seen with someone as disgusting as me.  That's when I made a decision to do something about it.  That was the beginning of my journey to lose the blob that I've become.

I've come a long way, but I still have a very long way to go.  I'm still a blob of goo- just less of one. I'm still fighting a hard fight on a daily basis.  I will never be the pretty young lady I once was, but I will live to be older.  I will be healthier.  I will not be an embarrassment to myself or those around me.  I will live to see those words-morbid obesity- taken off my medical charts. That is good enough for me.

R :)

Beginnings

I don't know if I'll even share this, how I might share this or who will read what I have to say, but I want to say that I am NOT writing this for attention, not for sympathy, for praise (NO! NO! NO!), for anyone's approval or any reason that has to do with anyone outside of myself.  I want to reflect, to remember, to think "out loud" as I journal my experiences.

If someone sees this and it can be an encouragement that'd be nice, but I don't expect too many people to ever even see this or really, even, for anyone to understand where I'm coming from.  It's just a journal.  If you read this, please remember that these are my own feelings and experiences.  I am far, far from perfect and have made a lot of bad choices for which I am now paying the price.  I deserve what I get to some degree or another I am sure, and I'm trying so very hard to not bellyache about it. I'm not going to whine here or complain (I hope!), but I am going to share some things that I have experienced and felt.

'Nuf said.

Who am I?  -  A wife, a very proud mom of  three young adult children, a teacher ("school mom") of a lot of truly wonderful children.  I try to live the way God would want me to.  I am 43 years old for a few more weeks.  I am a transplanted Midwesterner now living in central North Carolina. That about sums me up.

What I am trying to do?- Lose a buttload of weight (quite literally) and maintain a healthier life-long weight.  Stay healthy and grow as old as the Lord will let me.  I want to be able to see any grandkids I might be blessed with grow up.  I want my grandkids someday to not be made fun of because of me like my own kids were.  I want to be able to do things, go places, have adventures, and see things that I might not if I stayed obese.

Where am I at in this goal- down 95 pounds (maybe more?) from my heaviest ever weight.  Down 60 pounds from the day I first stepped into the gym May 4, 2013.  More on that some other time.

Guess that will do for now.

R :)

Mild-mannered teacher ten months of the year, but in summer, he's "Plaster Man," hero to his wife! :)

We are killing the painting/cleaning/renewing process and as Rob said, "We are turning this from 'the house we bought' to 'our home.'"  True, oh so true.   It took us a very long time to buy our first home, but we are so thankful for it and for the opportunity to take care of it and refresh it.  No longer all one color! :) Yay!

hodge podge

It's been a roller coaster week.

Enjoying time with my hubby so much.  I love him bunches!!!

We made supper together Tuesday night- I made a Cobb salad for us both and he made a loaf of whole wheat bread.  Oh supper was soooo yummy.  He scored us free tickets to the ballgame so we headed off to the ballpark afterwards.  That was fun, and corny as it sounds I enjoyed running to the car in heavy rain and getting soaked afterwards.  I felt kind of like a kid again. :)

My mom had a heart procedure on Wednesday morning.  It is more hard than I can say to not be there, and the guilt and desire to be there, well it just tears me up.  Trying to be where I am, and let the past go- I can't be there anymore, it is not the same and never will be again.  Can't change that, time to just move on.  In the middle of a little cry on Rob's shoulders about that, I got word that a cousin had been killed in an automobile accident.  Just no words.

I had already promised my daughter I would do a sleepover with her that evening and we had made plans to go to Ikea together with her best friend/my "fake" daughter as I call her.  I didn't want to disappoint the girls so I sucked it up and went on with life though my heart wasn't really in it.

I'd never been to Ikea so I had to try the famous meatballs. :) Yum!  Loved the lingonberry sauce too!

Another happy for this week was finishing the kitchen painting. This color turned out soooo pretty!  Rob and I are very pleased with it!  He finished up the deep cleaning while I was out with the girls too which was so nice for me. :)

 I'm going to try my hand at curtain making I think and make curtains for the kitchen too.  And I ordered prints of photos today for the kitchen- of flowers, the mountains, streams...  Going to get frames and put them up soon.  I found a pretty round white kitchen table and chair set at Ikea that was not a bad price at all. We may do that when school starts.  

I have been having a lot of sleep issues and nightmares/bad dreams again so last night when I couldn't sleep I just worked on learning to do a granny square.  My first attempt turned out to be more of a granny circle but I'm happy with it for a first attempt. I'll get it figured out!

We worked on turning Barbara's old room into our office/craft room this May/June.  This chair is my new addition thanks to money/gift cards from some of my students.  I found it on sale at a furniture store and only had to kick in $30 bucks for it!  It's very pretty; it blends all the colors of the room- green/grey/brown.  I can't wait to sit in there and read/crochet on a rainy day soon!!!  We're going to put some prints my pop gave us up in this area- prints of Quad City sights by a QC painter.

The stairs are finally painted too after all this time living here.  The walls are disgusting, but that is going to change in the not-too-far future.  We picked up paint swatches today to figure out that.  

stuff it all down

That's what I am doing. I want to be numb because not being numb hurts too much today.

Crochet Success! :)

So one week ago I picked up crochet hook and yarn, and started learning (thanks to a class I bought on Craftsy!!!) to crochet.  I have gone from this last Saturday/Sunday...

to this, this weekend/today.  I finished my first real project- an infinity scarf for my daughter.  She picked out the yarn and let me "practice" with hers.  I figured if it was horrible I could rip it out and start over.  She picked out a gorgeously soft and pretty yarn!

 Oh the colors are so pretty- greens, blues, purples, cream all mixed into a pretty, variegated rainbow.  And oh so soft!  She liked it too, so that's awesome! Not bad for a week's learning/practice!  I have definitely found my new quickie evening hobby!

Fighting For My Life

I know everyone has regrets; I don't think I'm unique or special in that way.

Just as everyone has their own particular wishes to change the past, I have thought a lot on my life so far.  I used to think I'd change things financially or make different choices about my parenting.  As a teacher, you always think of things you'd do differently if given the chance and hindsight....  But this last year, I have come to the conclusion that if given the opportunity to go back and fix something, there is one and only one thing I'd change.  I'd willingly do the rest of my silliness and stupidity all over if I could just undo the obesity.  Oh, how I wish I could rewind these pounds, the fat, the hurt, the self-hate that put it there, and the health things that I have to deal with now because of them.

I know I can't.  I am trying SO HARD to stay focused on the positive and keep moving forward.  Most days I can do that and even pretty well, if I do say so myself. :)  But if I am being honest, I am in excruciating pain and that is making it hard.  Man, am I mad at myself!  SO sick of this fat girl who ruined herself!  I keep punishing her in the gym, telling her and her damn hips and bat-wing arms and hideous ass to die, but she is starting to fight back now.  This fight is getting ugly now.  The scale won't move even though I work hard and faithfully.  I am having to up the anty and work more/harder.  I am reevaluating everything I'm doing to see if I'm not doing something right or need to make more changes.  Went out and bought a food scale today even though I measure and am pretty good about food now; maybe I'm fooling myself or not being as accurate as I think I am.  I have to do something so I'll add that to my battle strategies.

If there is anyone reading this who is fighting this battle and is younger, I here is what I'd say thing to you- DO NOT hate yourself! DO NOT give up on yourself!  Your body will pay you back and it will be painful, ugly, and very, very retaliating if you don't do it now.  I know how hard it is, but you are worth fighting for.  Don't pay attention to the people who stare, laugh, say ugly things, smirk.... Don't look in the mirror and think you're not worth it.  Don't give up and say it's too late.  Ignore the well-meaning people who try to encourage you and tell you what you should or should not do.  Just do what you can, move and listen to your own body.

And to myself, I guess I have to say this too... Rebekah, do not give up on yourself.  It isn't coming off as fast as you and others might like.  Right now, it isn't coming off at all, but it will eventually get better.  In the last two years you've lost 75 pounds (or more) and kept it off which is not something you've ever done before.  That should count for something!   In the mean time, you are working harder, doing things you couldn't do a year ago or even a few months ago.  You can swim longer, ride the bike harder, do more weights/reps, and can do lots of exercises you couldn't even do at all a year ago.  You can do the elliptical!!! Girl, you couldn't even go a minute on that last July!!!  You worked up the courage to go to exercise classes. You flipping starting going to Zumba with a bunch of smaller/younger people and don't walk out even though you're embarrassed and look silly.  You sucked it up and went to water class even though you hate being the new kid and hate being in social settings.  You fought through the anxiety to do those things.  You did that!!!  Not with any one's help either- no Rob, no friends, no family, no one- just you!  Do you hear me?!?!  You will get through this, knees and all the rest.  You will show the rest of them just what you are made of.

If "this Rebekah" could talk to the one hidden inside me, the real me that I don't let anyone see, this is what I'd say.

Summer Fun

Back at home and enjoying time with my family and starting to put the house back in order after two years of grad school!  In that time, two of our kids moved out as well so we're finally going to be doing things to the hosue we've been talking about and wanting to do.

Our oldest with his first surf-fishing rod.  He's soooo excited and even caught a black-tipped shark on his first surf fishing expedition! :)

Our dog and Robert's dog waiting for Robert to come back.  Awwww..

Rob and I took our first camping trip of the summer to Hanging Rock.

Fun with two of the Thomas' family on the 4th!

Oh, how I love this young man!!!!

Robert and the dogs were tired I think! :)  hehehehe

I've been wanting to learn to crochet for years; didn't think I was smart enough...  I finally have time to sit down and work on it, and with the help of a video class, I'm getting it.  This is my first swatch! I did my first dishrag today, and it's sooooo much better- better gauge, better stitches, smoother!!! Yay!

When we bought our first home a few years ago, there was old nasty wallpaper under the chair rail in the kitchen and a border on top.  We had to pull the wallpaper off the bottom because it was peeling off and looked bad, but we never had the time or money to paint.  We kept talking about it, but then I got in the math program and was too busy, and then started working on my  master's....  Finally we are starting!  Here is the first section of the kitchen done today- before and after.  I'm so happy!

Summer Part 3- Monticello

We stopped at Monticello as our last stop from Illinois to NC.  Another place I've always wanted to go but never thought I'd get to.  I could hardly stand it to be standing "at the place on the nickel" as my firsties would say! :)  Learned a great deal too that I did not know so this was AWESOME!!!  Rob got a lot of new info, photos and things he can use in class!

Summer Part 2- "slight detour" through Gettysburg

My dear hubby answered my need to be a little "spontaneous" and we took the long way home through Ohio and Pennsylvania so I could see new parts of the world and drive through Gettysburg!  

This storm was fun to watch develop, though it ended up bringing several tornadoes to Indy while we were driving through.

Coming into the gorgeous mountains in PA!!!!!

Gettysburg- What a moving place is all I can say.  I am so glad we went even though we couldn't really afford to do much or stay long, it was a place I've always wanted to stand.  Much more moving than I knew, and I understand the battle itself much more now!

 This had the Gettysburg address on it!