midweek prayer

Hi God, it's me again. It's Wednesday night, and I'm really dreading tomorrow. I had a great day with kids and only a couple bad things today, but once again I left school feeling like a big flop. I cried all the way from High Point to Winston to pick up Matthew today. :( I'm NOT the teacher I want to be or that I have been. I feel as if I'm making excuses for myself when I try to remind myself that I am teaching two grades, that I have no assistance, that I am also very loaded with other responsibilities, jobs, etc., but that is no excuse. I feel very lonely, not really a part of anything (which is my fault too), but I also feel like an embarrassment to those who work around me. I'm pretty sure none of the teachers around me really like me much. Then there's the situation in my room, and well, God, I just feel like I've failed in so many ways this year.

Now I'm tutoring and it's quite challenging dealing with the behaviors of a couple students, and frustrating because the other two really want to learn...

I need to spend a lot of time in my room to get it rearranged and organized. It's not that I'm a slob God, but I can't keep up with things when I have no time for anything it seems. God I just want to quit, and it's not the kids God. It's me, it's the negativity and the chaos of someone else that is driving me crazy. God I need something to change. Please God, please. God I don't know how I'll even make it to next Tuesday, let alone the end of the year.

a note to my class

Dear Kids,

Do you know how much I love you guys?!?!? I had so much fun watching you today at the assembly! You were such good audience members, so polite, so attentive, and I was so very proud to be your teacher at that moment! I always am, but was especially so today. You were so cute to watch as you listened to the music and the story and imagined the picture in your mind.

I had a lot of fun today from the assembly to making our special "surprise" for Ms. Melissa, to being a lunch buddy with someone, to writing letters with you to Donors Choose, to the chilly playground where my constant shadows were hanging out with me as I watched the rest of you climb the dinosaur and run and play and laugh and try to stay warm.

Thank you for having such a great day, for the good attitudes some of you are focusing on keeping and the hard work you do most of the time :), for your love of learning and school, for your happiness and joy you share with me, for your enthusiasm, and most of all for loving your "Mrs. Thomas" even when she is cranky, tired, sick, or stressed out. Your love has made a difference in my life each and every day. Your love and smiles and hugs are what has kept me going through one of the hardest school years of my life. You are truly the one and only reason I come to work every day, and I do adore you more than you will ever know!

Love now and always,
Your "Mrs. Thomas" (Mrs. T, Mrs. "Omas," silly goose, and all the other silly names you have for your goofball teacher)

missing you

i am missing my parents a lot.

the holidays, though a beautiful, wonderful time to reflect on God's gift to me, make me feel melancholy at times. i wish this weren't so. but i think it's probably just part of life (i hope i'm not just mental). :)

i miss my daddy, long, long gone now. funny, how you could know and love someone for only a part of your life and yet miss them so deeply even years and years later.

i miss my momma and pop so much too and long to be home and all of us together for Christmas, but it is not to be again this year. i hope that someday we won't have to be apart for the holiday.

overwhelmed

i came home feeling utterly tired and overwhelmed and disgusted- another banner day. i turned off KLove on my way home at the "feeling" i should, and just was quiet for a bit, then told God that i truly, truly wanted to throw in the towel but can't. i didn't get any answers or sudden inspiration, but i felt like i was supposed to just talk to God and tell Him how i feel. i did.

robert had asked me to take him somewhere to get rob's Christmas gift, so i pulled in after work and we took off again to do that. it was nice to walk around and just talk with him and look. i came home, had some good food cooked by matthew tonight (may i just say my boys can cook!!!), and started on grad work. i have no clue if i'm doing it "right" but i'm starting to put a small dent in this big, final assignment. less than a week and i'll have this course done. two weeks and i'll be able to be home again for a little bit! i'm going to spend part of Christmas break at work trying to get things ready for the new year. i have no help in the classroom and with two grades, picking up my kids after work, tutoring... i'm just not keeping up very well and it's getting to me!

going to call it a night now. good night God, good night world.

just a quiet December Sunday

Our backyard today at 5:30 PM. I just thought the different shades of blue (which don't show as well here) and the silhouette of the trees was pretty.

It has been a quiet Sunday. We're starting to have to get used to the two olders being gone more. Between their church activities, work, and college, it's getting to be Matthew and us more and more. Matthew is our "quieter" child so the house is definitely changing as we enter this new phase of our lives. In a couple more years we will probably start losing some or all of the kids, so I'm trying to get used to this new silence. :)

As I said it was kind of quiet around here today- Not a creature was stirring, not even the animals. Here are the girls, Emily & Charlotte. We still have not found homes for them and cannot bring ourselves to take them to the pound. I know we're suckers!!! And Samson, who never lets me take his photo, even was relaxing! :)

I was working to fill orders today and made some extras while I was at it to post on my etsy site. I just loved "Frosty!"

Trying my hand at making gift tags.

Now it's time to prepare my tutoring plans and start (YIKES!!!) my last HUGEMONGOUS grad class assignment due in one week!!!

Happy Sunday all!

a very nice birthday

I had my 39th birthday this week, and it was a very nice birthday. My students were absolutely sweet to me. They kept asking me all day if they could sing to me, and I heard the Happy Birthday song at least three or four times from my class- too cute! I received a bunch of cards and pictures and a craft stick snowflake from the kids who worked "in secret" trying to make things for me. :) They were adorable! They didn't know I could see and knew what they were up to, and I didn't ruin their secrets for them. ;)

I celebrated with my family the night before since Robert & Barbara had to work on my birthday. We couldn't really afford it, but we spent the money and went out to an Italian restaurant near our house that we've never eaten at. R & B bought their own meals (thanks you two!!!!) and that helped a lot! Then we went out and found our Christmas tree, got some sonic for dessert and came home to put the tree up and string it with lights. A really nice family evening together!!! We laughed and laughed; and I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die laughing. :)

My momma called my phone and left a voice mail on my birthday and sang Happy Birthday to me about the time I was born into the world- a family tradition I hope to carry on with my kids. I checked the message very quickly while my kids had snack to make sure that there wasn't anything wrong with Pop who is recovering from his heart attack and close call with death. My students are absolutely sweet. Several of them were asking me while I waited for the phone to dial (I had explained that I needed to check this message from my momma to make sure everything was okay.) "Is your Pop okay, Mrs. Thomas?" "Mrs. T, is Pop going to be okay?" They were truly concerned, and that made me feel so good. When I realized it was Momma singing to me I turned my phone onto speakerphone so they could hear my momma's voice. One of them said, "Oh, that's what your Momma sounds like?!?" :) They thought it was funny that my momma would be calling me to sing happy birthday to me. Too cute!

I took my class on a "field trip" in the rain the other day to go to "Rosie" (my car) so they could help me carry in the tons of stuff I bought at Walmart for school. I haven't made a shopping trip like that in ages, but I needed to buy things for their Christmas gifts and materials for the kids to make thank you Christmas gifts for our two volunteers and treasure box and class store items as our stock is getting depleted... The kids were so excited when I said we'd go on a field trip to Rosie. They LOVE my car and wave hello to Rosie when they see her in the parking lot. :) Didn't you know that teachers actually live outside of school too, can drive, go out to stores and restaurants, and even have a home and a mommy/daddy/husbands/wives/kids too!!! These things all amaze them!!! They LOVE to hear about my life outside of school!

Cracks me up how I can take almost anything that is not a big deal and make it a big deal by just being excited and presenting it in a hyper kind of way! They were really excited!!! HILARIOUS!!! So we went out and it was raining and that made it even more adventurous; I mean come on, there were puddles to avoid and raindrops to catch on your tongue and the wind was blowing. It was fun!!! And a neat little break in our rainy day. Plus there was the excitement of knowing they were bringing in their gifts and things for the treasure box! Oooohhh!!! I know, I know- it doesn't take much for me to get excited either! :) I'm just as silly as the kids which is why I belong with little people. :)

no answers

I care very deeply for the people I get close to- I mean truly, very deeply. That includes so many kids I cannot even name them all anymore. Most of my days are filled with lots of joy and love, hugs and fun and laughter as I learn and work with my kids in the classroom and on the playground and wherever we are.

But sometimes there are moments of great sorrow and hurt. Sometimes a child opens up and shares things that break your heart; often they don't even know how to express it or you have to learn to read the behavior, the attitude to see beyond that to the heart. Recently I was asked "Mrs. Thomas, why does ___ have to cuss me out everyday when ___ drops me off? Why?!?!?" The hurt in the eyes of this child broke my heart and made me want to cry, but of course I couldn't do that there in class.

Sometimes there just are no answers you can give. Sometimes you can only listen and care and be there. Those moments are hard, but I am thankful that I get to be the one who is there. I just hope and pray that my being there will somehow, in some way, make a difference.

Thanksgiving break 2009- photo memories

This is picture heavy. It's just a bunch of photos that show the fun we had together as a family on Thanksgiving break. It was a much, much, much needed break. We are so thankful for our first home, our first big holiday in our home, and for our family (though we often argue and get on each other's nerves- we do really get along well and love each other and their company alot!!!)

Robert and Dad pretending to fight- goofy boys!

Matthew "breaking it up" :)

my little "ducklings" all grown up now!

Matthew guarding this bridge- "None shall pass."

Late November and there are still beautiful leaves. I just can't get used to this even after 5 falls here in North Carolina. :)

my goofy son, Robert

I love my kids!!!!!!!!!!!! And our dog, Samson too!

I love this man!

We went for a walk at the Arboretum, and I saw these pretty berries- American Beautyberries.

Samson and Matthew explored the little creek that runs by the Arboretum.

my hubby and best friend

my sweet, happy-go-lucky daughter

It was NOT anywhere near cold enough to be dressed like this. We teased her a lot about it, to which she replied, "I'm being cute! It's called style!" :)

I just liked these pretty steps. :)

Sammy is happiest when he is with us, and he LOVES LOVES LOVES going for rides!!!

our 1st Thanksgiving in our 1st home! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

our backyard still has tons of leaves falling down and not yet fallen- we'll be raking leaves all winter at this rate!

Robert makes the funniest faces! We kicked off Thanksgiving break with cookies & milk and game time.

the 1st holidays in OUR home :)

On my list of things I am thankful for this week was, once again, having a home of our own. It still seems like a dream to Rob & I even after 8 months. I keep thinking every once in a while that it's been a while since the landlord called to complain about something. :) Or I wonder how much our rent will go up when we renew the lease. :) Or has the landlord been by to inspect the house/property? :) Or can we hang this up on the wall? Or how much will the landlord charge us when we leave?

I am so very grateful for a home- a warm place to live and keep us safe from the wet, cold, windy, hot weather. But I am so very grateful also for a place that is ours (or will be in 30 years). :)

And now today, the kids, Rob, and I are about to begin to decorate our home for its first Christmas with the Thomas family. :) I will post photos later. I get so homesick for the family we left behind, but I am hoping that making my new home pretty for Jesus' birthday will be another reminder to me to keep being thankful, to keep focusing on Him who brought us here, who has blessed us with a home of our own, but most of all who blessed us all with His love, His unending merciful, adoring love.

That is the most important thing in the world to me and the biggest blessing to be thankful for- way more than a roof over my head, mine or not.

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made it Momma, made it to Thanksgiving break...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. 2009. Time sure continues to move by at such a quick pace.

A few weeks ago, when I was teetering on the edge and about to have a nervous breakdown or something, I called my Momma and she told me to just focus on making it to Thanksgiving. Well thanks to God's help and my husband and momma listening to me (and my kids too) so many times I can't even name them all, I made it! Thank you God, Rob, Momma, and my kids!!!! I would NOT have made it without your support and listening and prayers for me!!!

Thanksgiving break. Last night we played Yahtzee together, the five of us. It was sooo much fun. Today Barbara went with me to an appointment then we ran an errand of hers and hit the store for last minute things. We were all home together this afternoon until the two olders had to work. I helped with leaf collection in the backyard this afternoon for a little bit- boy do we have a HUGE pile of leaves going back there in our compost area!!!! Tonight I am making pumpkin pies and I also wrote some new donorschoose proposals for my classroom.

Tomorrow we will all work together to make cornish hens, some ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, spinach supreme (my FAVORITE!), and vegies. And we will play a game and I'm sure watch some football and movies, and my kids will tease me but I'll try to watch the parade in the morning just because I always used to as a kid and then as a young mom. They don't like to watch it anymore and they like to tease me about it, but I'm nostalgic like that. :)

I so wish we were all together with the rest of our family, but I'm thankful for being alive. Thankful for my Momma still being alive and with us and doing well after the big C. I'm thankful that Pop is still here after the heart attack a couple weeks ago; he could have not made it and my Momma would now be facing a major holiday alone, and that would hurt her. So I'll focus on what I have and not the distance between us... or I'll try to anyway. :)

I have plans to relax on my days off but also have to do a BIG assignment for my grad class, finish up my lesson plans for next week and make some more Christmas cards to sell (hopefully). It's been a nice break so far, and I'm so thankful for it!!! I don't know how I'll get through the rest of the year, but I'm trying to focus on just today and not think too much about the big picture. :)

Thanks God for time away from the stress of work. Thanks for helping me to focus on what I should be thankful for and not on all the other negative things. Thanks for helping me to make it, for my family, for being loved, and for Your love above all else!

Thankful it's Friday :)

I have never been so thankful for a work week to come to an end!!!! It's Friday night, I'm snuggled up warm under my favorite throw- the super soft, brown one given to me by a very sweet "old" student I nicknamed Red 2 (her older brother is Red 1 and I tease her that we will have to call her baby brother Red 3). I have on my pajamas and even took a short 15 minute doze, but am now trying to stay awake so I won't have too many sleep problems later tonight.

This weekend's agenda:

• buy items for and make the family gift bags for Monday's 1st Grade Family Night- started stamping and making gift tags for the bags too, nothing fancy but hopefully they'll look okay
• do as much of my grad school homework as I can so I won't have to spend too much time over break on it
• update/fix any changes to my lesson plans
• finish my Momma's cards and try to make a couple more sets to post for sale (I hope to make and post a bunch over Thanksgiving)
• visiting our daughter's "friend's" church Sunday :)
• asking God for enough grace and strength to make it through two more work days until Thanksgiving- my momma told me to just try to focus on making it to Thanksgiving- only two more work days until then Momma. Then I'll try to make it to Christmas, and then the long haul will start. I dread that, but I'm going to be like Scarlett O'Hara- I'll think about that tomorrow- well maybe. :)

He is With You- Mandisa song/video

i heard a new song on the radio- well it is new to me anyway- a song by Mandisa- He is With You. i LOVE this song. and it caught my attention because of the way it starts... "There's a time..." fits with my new verse up there on my header and how i have been feeling of late.

here's a link to her video if you aren't familiar with the song or just want to hear it anyway.

hard questions

today i found myself trying to answer some hard questions my two oldest asked me. i tried my best, but in the end it only left them still not understanding and i don't really either. how am i supposed to answer them? i don't think there is an answer, oh how i wish there were. something i could say to explain it to them, to explain it to myself. it hurt to hear my kids express a loss they've never expressed before- hurt more than i can say. now i'm left with a big old, very old wound and feeling like i've failed once again somehow, that i should have done more, should have tried harder, reached out more, picked up a phone, or made a trip, or done something- i don't know how or what or even if it would have worked...



i know we just have to take what comes to us and make the best of it. Lord knows i've tried and will keep trying, and they will continue to make good in their lives and hopefully (prayerfully) live for Him their whole lives. i will pick myself up tomorrow and move on, what more can i do, but for tonight i hurt for me, for my family, for my kids, for the unknown. i regret the past and all that ol' damn water under the bridge. i wish the bridge would go away and the water would dry up and we could all go back to the way things used to be, but then, "the way it used to be" wasn't really real either- it was just a dream, a dumb idea of a dumb kid who was too stupid to know it was just fake- all an act. maybe that's what i'm grieving- the idea that was never really real, the family i thought i had that i didn't really ever have.

praise You in this storm

God is with us even in dark places, even in scary times, even when you feel all alone. He is with us when we are far away from our family and can't get home in emergencies. He is with us when we are sick, when we are hurting.

God, I will praise You for always being there when I need you. I don't deserve it. Thank you.

He Gives and Takes Away

That song has been going through my head all week.
"... He gives and takes away... still my heart will choose to say, "Blessed is Your name...."

This weekend He gave me a chance to meet someone from my daddy's family, someone I haven't seen since I was a little girl, the first person in my daddy's family I've seen in over ten years and the first "real" visit, truly positive meeting I've had with anyone in his family since I got married. It's been quite a weekend- awkward at moments, nerve-inducing, but filled with laughter, tears, and fun. I'm truly grateful for a chance to know someone who carries some of the same dna as my daddy. I hope he is in heaven smiling down on his cousin and my family tonight.

Then I am awoken (is that even a word????) at 12:30 with a call from Illinois- which can only mean something bad is going on. My pop- the man who has loved me as his own for all of my adult life, the only grandfather my kids have ever had, Pop- is lying in a hospital bed having a heart attack, and it sounds bad. I can hear it in my momma's voice, and I so need to be there for her, for him, for me. I'm trying to be ready for anything- the good or the awful. Trying to be where God wants me to be and be content here and yet wanting to be home right this instant to be there by my momma's side as she waits in a hospital waiting room in the dead of night for news good or bad. What if's are trying to roll through my mind, and I'm trying to not focus on them.

God, I know death is part of life. I know it's something we all must face- our own death and the deaths of loved ones. I know he has lived a pretty long life so far, and if You chose to take him home right now, he's ready to meet you. I know we have no guarantee of tomorrow or this afternoon or our next breath. I know You are so wise above me and You see the big picture when I can't see the next step I'm supposed to take... God, what else I know is that right now my momma who has buried one husband is sitting in a waiting room trying to be strong and feeling all kinds of emotions. I know I'm not there to hold her hand or let her cry on my shoulder or just sit with her and keep her company. I know it's not about me, she is a big girl, a grown woman, she has a daughter there, and no one needs Rebekah swooping in "to save the day..." Please just be with Pop, whatever it is please help the dr.s and nurses caring for him to have wisdom. Help Pop not to be too scared or in too much pain and help this to end as quickly as possible. Please God, PLEASE be with my momma right now. Comfort her as You always have in her times of need. Let her feel You sitting there right beside her in the waiting room. Give her strength to face whatever it might be. Be with my sister and her husband who are also there, with my sister who lost her daddy too already and doesn't want to lose another one. And God, if it's possible, please don't take away just yet. And if it's Your will to do so, please help us all to make it through.

I'm going to try somehow to sleep now God. My alarm clock will call me soon enough, and somehow I've got to teach and go on tomorrow no matter what happens.

a big day

today i will meet a cousin that i haven't seen since i was kid. today will be the first day in more than a decade that i will have seen anyway even remotely related to my daddy. it will be a big day...

to do lists & accomplishments

one of the things that has been suggested to me is that i need to begin to learn to make lists for each day and mark the items off as i accomplish them. the hope being i will feel good at the end of the day at what i've accomplished, i'll learn to see (perhaps) that i'm doing too much and to prioritize what's truly important, and ultimately learn to let go the things that don't really matter so much and learn to say no...

so here goes. here is my weekend's to-do list. God help to me get it all done.
Friday night:

• eat supper & clean up after myself (or leave it for my kids- ha ha ha)
• make a card for my hubby before he gets home to tell him how good he is to me (he cleaned the whole house from top to bottom today!, went out and bought a turkey roast and made me a yummy supper- turkey, boiled potatoes, black eyed peas & asparagus), and fixed some things around the house too
• make one set of Christmas cards
• make a grocery list for November's shopping trip tomorrow
• lesson plans for as far into November as i can get

Saturday:

• grocery shopping for November
• family time 12-4 (silly, yummy "Halloween" lunch- "Bat Wings" (homemade boneless chicken wings), "Franken Fingers (homemade potato wedges), Eyeballs (grapes), Spooky Salad & a ghost story movie- "The Others"
• GTCC class- 2 or 3 lessons
• Grad school- read, read, read, & post
• type EQ's for school and make guided reading plans
• late night movie and family Halloween tradition of Grinch Night when the kids get home from work around midnight... Since the kids were little, we've always watched Grinch Night and had "Grinch milk" and oreos... This story is an old Suess book that was made into a video, oh, I don't know maybe in the 60's. I bought a copy when the kid were little, and we've been watching it for years now... They are now 19, 18, & 17 years old and without fail, they still ask us if we're going to do this with them- they want to! Robert asked us to please wait for him to get home from work & do it late at night since it wouldn't be the same if we did it in the afternoon, so we're having a late night family time too...

Sunday:

• pay bills
• read, read, read for Monday's class
• make more Christmas cards & post them on the web for sale

So, I'm getting off of here and on to this list. Busy, busy, busy

On a happy note, I want the whole world, or the 3 people that come "see" me here to know that I went ALL week and only had 2 diet cokes all week long (from Sunday morning to tonight!!!!) TWO PEOPLE, TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's a major miracle for me! I had one the other night in the hopes of breaking a 4 day headache that I believe was caffeine withdrawal-related. Nothing else was helping, and I broke down and had one. Then I had one this afternoon as I had to hit the drive thru on my way between a workshop and school. But I'm still sipping on it now- 6 hours later. I'm doing it!!!! I'm doing it!!! I'm doing it!!!!

YEAH for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And even bigger- YEAH FOR GOD who is helping me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

changes

i haven't changed the header on my blog in quite a while. i really liked that old picture i took from my road trip with barbara and the verse i had up there, "I look to the hills from whence cometh my help...," well that verse has been a help to me more times than i can say...

but for whatever reason i decided that this new verse fit with where i am in my life now and i like that fall photo i took a year ago (before we knew for sure if we could buy a house at all!) wow, what a lot has happened in just one year!!!

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace."

my 1st set of Christmas cards

i'm working to make Christmas cards- my own and some to sell. i have three teachers (two from work and one from another school) that want me to make their cards, so i'm really excited!!!!

trying hard...

well i'm doing it- it's so hard, but i'm trying. my momma will be thrilled. "they" (whoever they is) say the 1st step is admission... so i admit it- i'm a diet-coke-aholic. and i've not had one since saturday night. ugh, i want to go get one sooo bad but i'm trying. i'm telling myself that if i can be good all week long, then on friday i'll let myself get one big one and then go again another week...

i'm also trying to stop the insanity of work as much as i can... i'm practicing saying "no" to some things, only doing what is most important each day and letting the rest go until another day or whenever... i've asked to be excused from an obligation that i was being drug into last minute this week with no info or help with the prep work so i just said it would stress me out too much and to please excuse me... i've dropped a workshop that i wanted to take- i'll take it another time. i think two college courses plus all the mandated training/meetings they are making us go through at work is enough for right now... so far i haven't gotten written up, i've aggravated a coworker or two i'm pretty sure, but they haven't stayed too upset with me. the world hasn't come to a screeching halt or the sun fallen from the sky.

i am learning to speak up a little, though i've still got to learn how to do it in the best way and to learn how to take the outcome (good or bad)... this year is a BIG learning year for me. i just hope i survive it. :)

but i'm trying. and praying God will take my feeble attempts and make something good out of it all.