A Gift

I must have a gift for upsetting people. In the past three weeks I've had three people unload a lot of anger, frustration, hurt at me, and I continue to never know if I will upset or offend those I work with or not on a daily basis.

I've decided that I must have a knack, a gift, or special talent for upsetting people. The thing that bothers me most is that I haven't tried to hurt people, didn't intend to, deliberately or sneakily try to say or do anything, and wasn't even aware that what I had said or done did offend until I got nasty emails, voice mails, or told off in person or behind my back and within earshot. Maybe I've got some subconscious thing going on where I really am an ugly person who means to be hurtful and mean.

Yesterday was my final straw- I left the cafeteria in the middle of setting up for our Mothers' Day Tea and went to do my paperwork to take leave. Stuck it in my boss's hand and told her "I've had enough for one week. I've been sent an ugly email and just yelled at all before 7:15. I'm done for this week. I'm going home." And I did take a half day and went home to be me and a mom for Barbara.

I must be a real witch just hiding behind my pretend smile and kind face. I am really going to re-evaluate the person I am because I'm tired of people telling me off via email and tired of being told how ugly a person I really am.

Yeah, it's back to that Momma. I don't like me again, and to be honest, right now, I don't like people (in the adult form at least). I'm tired of everything!

Robert's Concert video clip

I've got a longer clip, but am having trouble uploading it. Here is a short clip of last night's band concert. Robert is sitting on the end of the second row from the right.

The First of the Lasts...

I've been recording some of the firsts of Robert & our family lately- his first election, our first senior pictures, and such. Well tonight marked the first of my "lasts." My last band concert with my oldest child. I was a bundle of emotions- from prouder than proud to happy, sad, nostalgic, and more than I could probably even recognize or name.

It's been a long time since we took that young boy to pick out an instrument. From that night when he tried out several and settled on the french horn. From the time when he had his first band concert, and I was so proud of his rough notes and grinned in understanding at his nerves (though he wouldn't admit it then and probably not now). From all the nights and all the concerts and contests. I look back now and think about how hard it was, financially, to provide that horn- a used one at that- for him, but it was a gift I wanted to give my kids, a talent I wanted them to explore.

Where has time gone? How is it possible this chapter in my life is about to end and another begin? I know the next one will be just as good or even better, and I know I will enjoy watching it unfold before my eyes just as I have loved almost every single moment of this chapter in my life. It's not that I'm sad or afraid of the future; I look forward to all that God may bless us with in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. It's just that I really realize that this time in my life is almost over. No more little ones who need a mommy. It's a bit of sorrow for the times I let slip by me, the moments that I might have missed, the opportunities now gone forever. There are so many things I wanted to do with my kids, things & experiences I wanted to share with them, lessons I should have taught them better, examples I should have set, things I did that I wish I could undo. They're not regrets, but almost.

I know I will adjust to this new part of my life and love it as much, and hopefully even more. I look forward to knowing my children as adults and, I pray, as friends. I look forward to watching them start their own lives, make the big decisions, establish themselves in the adult world, touch lives through their work and ministries, start their own families, add to my life more daughters and a son and grandchildren. But, right now, I'm so not ready to let go of this last page of this chapter. I am going to savor these last few lines before I must turn the page. I am going to read this ending very slowly for it will help me look forward to the next one in my life.

God, I am so very thankful for Your allowing me to be the mommy that I always wanted to be. I can never thank you enough for my children and all the joy and love they've given me, the lessons they've taught me, the happiness and wonderful memories I hold dear in my heart. Help me to savor them, but not hold onto the past. Help me to let go now and release these precious ones back to You who gave them to me for a short time. Keep them in You always and help them to grow closer to You and to rely on You always.

Robert's 1st Election

My baby voted yesterday- his first time!

Forgiveness and Grace

My prayer tonight is from another song I love,

"Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace. I need You, need Your help. I can't do this myself. You're the only one who can undone what I've become."

Today I was not what I should have been. I am angry and hurt and disappointed in a student who lied and half-truthed about me and a family member who called me and very angrily insisted, more like demanded, on my explanation as well as accusing me of treating this child unfairly. I feel very betrayed especially knowing how much love I have given all my kids, including this student. Knowing that I had shared my heart for children with this person so I thought she knew how I felt about my kids- all of them. Knowing, though only Rob & Kristen knew this before, how much of my own personal money I spent to buy this particular child (and not the others) books to be able to continue her reading since she has surpassed my own classroom library. Knowing how I am the only teacher who does a "class store" and the money someone is upset with me about was my own money given freely to my children from my own purse and bank account... I could go on and on, but I shouldn't.

Today, that child thought she could misbehave and I wouldn't discipline her because of the angry phone call I received yesterday. She pushed every button she could today and looked to see if I was watching and what I would do about it.

I am also tired of feeling like I'm supposed to bring grade level together or that it's my fault if it is not. I'm tired of feeling like the odd duck in the group. I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I am different than my coworkers. I don't think I'm something special or better than anyone else, I'm just me trying to be me and be my best- not better than them, just better than I was a day ago or a week ago.

I am just hurt and tired and angry. Some days those hugs and love just almost don't make up for the rough side of teaching. Thankfully, though, I got a hug from the child from whom I would have least expected it, and it came at just the right time. I'll think on that, pray that prayer up above, and ask God to help me to forgive, turn the other cheek, and be able to go in and do my job tomorrow. I'll pray for the family member who is angry with me too, though that is hard.

Flower Beds- Beginnings

We've been working a little bit here and there to make some improvements in the yard where we rent and live. This weekend, the boys, Rob & I put in a lot of work all helping out. Here are some photos of what we did. We've never done this much anywhere we've lived, but thanks to some unexpected money for being a cooperating teacher, I was able to buy some pretty plants, and we "went to town." Here are some beginning photos of our house and flower beds. I'll put some more up later.


And one other MAJOR accomplishment for me- I only feel slightly guilty spending my money on this and not something else we could have used or more practical. It was so nice to do this! I don't think I've ever spoiled myself like that before! :)



The front of the house has hanging baskets with one of my favorites- fuchsia! I made the window boxes I found at Walmart for $6 each just porch boxes and planted impatiens in them. Then in the flower bed in front of the house there are: hostas, false indigo in purple & yellow, more impatiens, a single fern that we planted last fall which survived the winter and the squirrels, Irish moss, blue star creeper, Aztec grass, and a few petunias. I painted my rusted plant stand and put my houseplants back out for the summer too now that the colder night air is definitely gone!


Matthew wanted an herb garden, so here is his patch. He planted basil, thyme, peppermint, and two lambs ear that I gave him too. I LOVE lambs ear. Plus in the center is the lavender I planted last year. In the extreme drought we've been under it died off, and I thought it was just money I'd wasted, but to my surprise last week, I went back and found it had survived after all and was growing again! :) Oh, and we aren't sure, but we think the stuff in the back is the chives I planted last year too. ??? We're waiting to see.

Okay, I'm turning into Pop. But that's okay. I had the boys help me split/move some hostas. We put hostas and impatiens by the shed in back in the small flower beds. Should be pretty this summer!

After close to three years here, I finally noticed that one of the big trees in the back yard is a tulip tree. In my defense, the branches are not down low enough to see and the blooms rest up on top of the leaves so they are hard to find. My kids had not seen these before. I was so excited to discover this bloom. It was on the only branch even close to my reach. Robert and I had to stretch a bit to get this photo.

I have a few more hostas to split and move. Robert, Matthew, and I will start a row of hostas and caladiums behind the house by the basement windows next. Then I've still got a flat of marigolds and petunias to plant out back. Plus Rob tilled up two patches for me to plant all my TONS of sunflower seeds. We're going to have a pretty yard this summer!

Irises

This was an iris in our yard last week right after a rainshower. When I was little, these were my favorite flower. I think it was our neighbor in Mitchell, but I remember someone had purple irises growing in their yard and I loved them!

I'm enjoying "picking" flowers with my camera. This way I can enjoy them even after they're done blooming and gone.

And Momma you will be getting this one for your book. :)

Whew! I made it!

I know, I know everyone's busy. I know everyone has a lot of things going on and lots of responsibilities and lots to do. Let me say here that I am not complaining. I am just wanting to record our very busy day so later I can look back and see what all Rob & I and the kids accomplished. Someday when my children are grown and gone- which won't be that much longer actually- I might want to remember how life was so hectic and how much I actually did. Maybe I'll actually cut myself some slack someday, nah-- probably not, but you never know. :)

So with that in mind, it was a very busy Saturday:

• Barbara took the SAT test and had to be at the test site about 7:30.
• Kristen graduated at 9 AM from High Point University; I was invited to go and really wanted to attend for her and to see/hear Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, but I had to make myself not go. I felt a little guilty, but I'll get over it soon I'm sure.
• I had to make my menu and grocery list.
• Make the grocery run which means Save-a-Lot first, then home to unload, then to Walmart to get what the first store didn't have.
• Rob worked on yard & house things and shampooed the carpets (boy were they needing it!) and who knows what else he did. :)
• Sometime after noon/1:00, we knew we'd get a call to pick Barbara up from her test.
• I made a stop at Lowe's to look for some plants. I was going to pick something out for myself for Mothers' Day plus I got a check from the university (I was not expecting that!) for being Kristen's cooperating teacher, so I ended up spending it all on flowers. I've always wanted to do that, but never done it in the 19 years we've been married!!! I had so much fun just buying pretty things for my yard and spending time with Matthew who helped me make my choices. I bought so much it filled the car and we had to run home before I could finish my grocery run at Walmart.
• Robert had to be at work at 2:00.
• Barbara was home by then, so she & I did the Walmart run, and boy did I have to rush.
• We came home, Babs and Matthew unloaded the car while Rob & I quickly changed clothes and got ready to leave for Kristen's graduation party.
• We drove an hour to Salisbury, NC, for Kristen's party. Stayed about an hour. It was very nice, and she wanted to introduce me to some of her family. She has the nicest mom and dad, and of course her hubby is a great guy too!
• We had to leave at 5:00, we'd only been there about 45-50 minutes, because we had to be back to pick up Robert from work.
• Barbara had to be at her babysitting job at 5:30, but thankfully they didn't mind to come pick her up this week (usually we take her one way and then they bring her home).
• We made it back to G'boro and Robert at 6:15.
• I should have clocked into work, but the boys and I started working on planting my flowers. We had a nice time working together. Now my front flower bed in front of the house is so pretty. The landlord should be pleased the next time he/she drives by. And for as long as we are here, I will have some pretty perennials to enjoy. I will try to take some photos later and post for my Pop who likes to landscape and do yard work. (Pop, I think I'm turning into you because I had the boys move some hostas to different places, and I found several hostas in the back that need to be split.) :) :) :)
• While we three worked up front, Rob borrowed the neighbor's tiller and worked in the backyard getting our patches tilled up for sunflowers and more.
• I found some vine on the house and it has grown up under the eaves. I started pulling away and cutting it out, when I realized it was poison ivy. I didn't think I was allergic, but came in and washed right away just in case. The way things have been with me lately, you never know. :)

So that was my Saturday. Yeah, it was a busy, but nice day!

One foot in front of the other

That's all I'm doing right now. One foot in front of the other and repeat. :)

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, but I know I don't have a choice and I know God will help me make it.

For such is the kingdom...

Yes, His kingdom is like this. :) Read on...

My class enjoyed some yummy popsicles and were amazed to see their tongues changing colors. I told them we'd take a silly picture of them sticking their tongues out at me. Ummm.... :) I'm a goofy teacher, but we had fun and believe me, I needed it!

The past two days have not been good for me. I won't record the details because they aren't important for me to remember someday if I look back at this journal entry. It will suffice to say that people can be hurtful, sometimes very much so. I left school today during the middle of the day for about an hour and fell apart after two days of mean and hurtful things; I am exhausted and sick and just came to the end of my rope for this week. I just got on the interstate and drove and cried and prayed and ended up calling my momma before I pulled myself together and went back to work.



I was all prepared to sit down and write it all out, to spill my guts here, but then I've had time to think about it and what I really want to remember is that once again, in the midst of frustration and hurt, God used my little ones to love me and to teach me.

I don't like pictures of me, but I love the kid in this picture, Kevin, my hugger!

Several times over the past couple days Kevin kept coming up to me in the middle of centers, on the playground, at lunch, throughout the day at various times and just bear hugging me for no apparent reason, whispering to me, "I love you." (I need to tape his voice as there are no words that can describe Kevin's voice to you; I absolutely adore it when he talks- it is just simply precious!) Kevin gives the best, biggest, longest, most heartfelt hugs I've ever had. Then Abbie, who likes me I know but doesn't normally give me hugs and such, just came up to me yesterday and today to hug me several times, again just out of the blue for no obvious reason that I'm aware of. Matthew, who has very slowly warmed up to me, brought me a handful of flowers and spent his whole recess today picking me flowers along with Jiquan and posing for my camera.

Matthew's gift to me today- a handful of flowers and silly faces- God used this little boy to make me smile and laugh at the end of this stressful week.

It made me think a lot about the scriptures where Jesus talked about children and the kingdom of heaven. This is what God loves about children. Though they certainly can be mean- I've seen it plenty of times- they have an ability to love people despite their faults that adults sometimes lose. My kids don't see me as a fat lady, an ugly lady, or any of the other things I've heard in public or even say about myself. My children love me for the person I am inside, the person they see, the real me. Just like my heavenly Father. Azka told me this week, "You're beautiful." Timera said, "You pretty." Maybe God was speaking through them too.


Whatever the case may be, I know God used my children to speak to me in a difficult time and to give me back some of the love I've given away to them. I needed it Lord, it was a "rainy day" for me on the inside, and though you didn't take away the rain, you sent a ray of your light into my little storm to make a beautiful rainbow in my day. I thank you for that. And though I can't give you back much, I offer you whatever I have that I can do or say. And I share these photos as my testament of the love You sent me today on a bad day.

I've Got Peaches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year for Mothers' Day, the kids bought (with their own money) me a peach tree. We watered that tree as much as we could with water restrictions and even prayed for that tree when it was so hot and dry. :) Matthew just came running in to tell me we've got peaches! YEAH! How cool is that! I've never grown any fruit before, so this is really neat!

Bring the Rain

Mercy Me sings:
"I am Yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above... You who made a way for me, suffering your destiny. So, tell me what's a little rain? So I pray, bring me joy, bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings you glory. I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, then Jesus bring the rain."

Okay, God, no matter what I'm going to praise You. So if you must, well, bring on the rain. I'm ready because I know You go with us. :)

Romans 8:35-39 (my paraphrase) Who shall separate me from God's love? In anything that comes my way, I will finish this journey with Him because He loves me (even when I doubt myself or how He could possibly love me). I am convinced that there is nothing on this earth, no problem, no sickness, no lack of strength, no trial, no person, no power, nothing in the past or the future, no self-doubts or worries that can keep me from God's love.

Nice Evening

Matthew and I just spent some time planting two flower beds with seeds I bought last month in my eagerness for Spring! :) Pop bought good soil and mulch and put it around our magnolia tree last Thanksgiving when they came out, so we planted a mix of flower seeds (blues, pinks, whites) all around under that. Then we planted the bed next to the carport with mammoth and Mexican sunflowers, echinacia, black-eyed Susans, gillardia, shasta daisies, alyssum, morning glories, and moonflowers. I can hardly wait until they all start growing!!!! Last year, the Mexican sunflowers, especially, attracted TONS of butterflies and hummingbirds.

We're going to plant a couple more big patches of sunflowers and more. Just not sure how quickly that will get done in the next couple weeks with all the jobs, drama club, sports, school functions, and more, but hopefully soon. At least, we got a start on it today.

It was a nice evening. Hey, I even felt good enough to cook dinner after too, that's an accomplishment! :)

Night!

It's Done!

Well, yesterday, I drove downtown after picking up Robert from school and before going back for Barbara :) and delivered my packet of TOY portfolios to the human resources office. Whatever the outcome, whatever God has planned for me, I did the best I could and it's done. It's in His hands now.

Momma, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for proofreading, offering your comments and constructive criticism to me. You helped me make it a whole lot better!!!!!!!!!!! I start to say "I couldn't have done it without you," but yeah, I could have, it just wouldn't have been anywhere nearly as good as it ended up being. I got compliments from the two fellow teachers I shared it with, my principal, and our CF at school brought it back to me with this comment, "Only one word, Rebekah, 'outstanding!'" :) :) :)

So now I can go back to being who I am: goofy, quirky, Big Mama, loud, and silly me. :)

Laughing Out Loud- on the inside where it counts

I have to put this down to remember. I'm dying laughing inside, but being the good mommy I should be, I am not letting it show so as to not hurt someone's feelings.

Barbara is doing her schoolwork and just asked me an interesting question.

"Mommy, what's cannabis?" I told her it was pot. Okay, now I'm quoting here folks! "Really? When did they change its name?"

Serious as a heart attack! Oh my word! That kid is so smart, but sometimes she can be a complete and total ditz! :)

HA! HA! HA! I'm dying to tell Rob this one! :)

It's been a beautiful day here in NC (at least this part of NC anyway). :) I drove home with all four windows down and enjoyed the warm breeze and the sunshine.

Rob, Robert, and Barbara are all working for the Greensboro Grasshoppers this year, and ball season has started so there is someone working almost every night now. Rob is tired after teaching all day, running home from school to grab a sandwich and turn right back around to go to the ballpark. I will be starting the second job soon and then things ought to get really interesting around here.

I'm still fighting the dizzies, but I can make it. :) I haven't had to take any of my "zombie medicine" since Tuesday, so that's a plus. I've just been toughing it out as much as I can.

I have my teacher of the year portfolio done and all the copies printed and assembled as instructed, and will be dropping it off downtown tomorrow afternoon. Whew! Glad that's done! :)

Okay, I've said nothing really, but that's okay, do I ever really? :)

Appreciation

There are a few simple things in life I've learned to appreciate more lately:

• taking a shower
• driving down the highway
• taking a walk (and enjoying it)
• feeling good
  
  I'm really tired of this vertigo/meneire's crap! I don't like me, and don't know how my family can even stand to put up with my constant not feeling good. Yeah,
  I definitely appreciate the days when I feel at least less sick.
  
  And, no today isn't one of those days. But, I'll live to take a walk, enjoy a hot shower, drive without weaving or at least feeling like I am, and feel good another day. Thank you God for helping me until then.

My Dogwood Tree

Well, okay it's not really "my tree" since it belongs to the landlord, but while I pay rent & live here, it's mine. :) I went out into the rain tonight to get a picture or two from my dogwood tree. I love these trees!

One Way Streets

I've just decided- I don't like one way streets.

Happy Spring!

I went to the Bog Gardens today with two of the kids! It was beautiful!