not what a parent wants to hear

today we had some (not THE, but some) of the worst words we would have never imagined said to us. it might just be me, but the word "stabbed" and your child's name should NEVER be uttered in the same sentence!

but thanks be to God that all is okay, the damage was not great, and we are going to live to survive yet another parenting experience. and when my kids are out of the house, i'm moving to barbados and not leaving a forwarding address. :) haha

Happy 1st House-iversary to Us

One year ago today, Rob & I signed the papers to make us official 1st time home buyers! :) So today is our first "house-iversary." :) :) :)

Thank you God for blessing us with a home of our own after 20 something years of marriage. It has been a year and we are just as thankful, grateful, and appreciative 365 days later as we were on that day. It still seems like a HUGE blessing and sometimes like it's not possible we're living in our own place! You are way too good to us!!!

just nothing much but hello :)

it's been a beautiful, late winter day and a crazy busy one like they usually are at our house these days. :) so thankful i have a family that keeps me busy and helps me feel so loved and fulfilled. i know this is such a blessing from God!!! i was reminded of His love and blessings to me today as i spent time talking with our daughter about her life and desires. oh how life has flown. it seems like not all that long ago my own momma was having to have these talks with me.

today looked like this:

• get up, start a pot of white chili, get ready for grad class (thanks to my great hubby for fixing me a yummy homemade scrambled egg breakfast bowl :) YUM YUM!)
• class, brought home some classmates/coworkers for lunch and back to class
• grocery run and great talk with my daughter before i dropped her off at work
• dinner (yummy leftovers of lunch) and working on downloading all the materials and readings i need to do my next batch of gradwork (all i'm going to say there is OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!! if i thought it was bad last month, it is NOTHING compared to the workload for the next three weeks!!!)
• watching a little ice skating and skiing at the Olympics- i love the winter olympics!!!!
• i ordered a personalized business stamp for my card making business

So tomorrow I have to:

1. go to church & Truth Project bible study
2. read through my lesson plans and finalize my lesson for the first observation by the bright ideas coach. i am not sure when but one of the "big whigs" will be observing me soon as well and i hope i pass that test- that's a whole 'nother blog, but i'm kind of scared to write about what's going on at work (big brother is watching i'm pretty sure) :) :) :) let's just say things at work continue to worsen and get more intense and pressure-filled. the joys of working at a "low performing school."
3. finish three card sets- one for a personalized order and two sets i'm making for free - one for our church's ladies retreat & one for a high school classmate's church's silent auction
4. read, read, read & write, write, write. going to try to get this one HUGE assignment finished and submitted as early in the week as possible.
5. interims were due thursday and i still haven't gotten them done... YIKES!!!!
6. is that all??? i have no idea...

hope you all have a great week!!! take care of yourselves!!! (we might get a big snow, but then again we might not)... :)

love,

bekaboo :)

i hate geometry

i love teaching math to my young kids!!! it's probably the thing i'm best at teaching. i do a lot of higher level thinking things with my k's & 1st's. just today a 4th grade teacher was in my room and saw what i was putting out for tomorrow's problem of the day and was surprised at what i was doing. she said most of her 4th grade kids wouldn't even be able to do that kind of problem.

so why in the world is this grad course in geometry killing me????? i have no idea what i'm doing and feel officially STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if i weren't so tired and worn out i'd just sit here and cry but i know it won't do any good or solve anything.

God, i sure do need Your help. i honestly don't even understand or know how to answer this crap! for example,

There are a total of 1175 diagonals in a 50 gon. T or F

who really cares????????????????????????

i am trying not to sound like my kids and say "when will i ever use this in real life?" but honestly, i have managed to go 39 years of life so far without needing to know anything at all about a 50 gon, let alone its diagonals.... thinking i might be able to go another 39 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's not like i'm getting a masters degree in math or like this math program is for secondary ed teachers. it's an elementary ed math license people!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, i'm done for today. good night.

and if you're reading this and are a Christ-follower, will you PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE pray for me. 'cuz right now i'm going to fail this assignment which is a pretty big chunk of my final grade. it's due in about a week and half, and i spent three hours on four-five problems tonight. grrr.... i am going to have to let go this whole "have to have straight A's" thing- shoot, right now if i can pass with a D i'll be thankful!!!!

ready for spring

i remember being so bummed at the beginning of january feeling like the next few months were going to creep by oh so slowly... not sure i could make it to the end of the year... i just realized tonight that it's about the end of february already! WOW!!! the year is going faster than i thought it would.

spring is just around the corner here in my part of the world. (don't be a hater momma!) the sun is rising earlier and setting a little later. i am thankful for more sunlight. i love winter and oh so deeply have missed winter weather (though we've had quite a bit for n.c. this year!), but i'm ready for the dark days of winter to come to an end. i've been hearing birds singing in the early morning hours as we get ready for work and when we leave. definitely a good sign of spring's coming. and today, rob told me my daffodils we brought with us from the old house last spring are just coming up. YEAH!!!! they survived and soon i will see some color in our dead backyard!

the only downer part of this is the allergies that come with spring's coming. i must have been crazy to have tree pollen issues and moved from the fairly tree-less Iowa/Illinios to the southeast. what was i thinking???? :) i am not feeling too hot and the "issues" i have had in the past with my ears, sinuses, tinnitus, dizziness are kicking in. i have a few months of icki-ness ahead of me before it eases back off.

hope you all have a wonderful week filled with sunny skies and good days!

Happy Birthday Robert

Twenty years ago today Rob & I welcomed our firstborn child into our lives (man were we just kids!!!) and started down this road on an adventure we had no clue about. We have made many mistakes and learned hard lessons, fallen down only to pick ourselves back up again and go on. This has been a hard road at times, but at many others it has offered us beautiful views and joys and pride and love I've never known the likes of anywhere else.

Happy Birthday Robert Michael Dale. I have loved being your ma-ma, mommy and now mom, and I always will.

Matthew Made Me Cry

My 6'4" (or more???) "baby" just emailed me this note:

Ich liebe dich
Je t'aime
Is tu mo ghra
Mina rakastan sinua
... ... ...
... ... ...
I love you mom
:-P

He went online and found an online translator and found as many ways to say "I love you" in as many languages as he could find (the ... ... ... were other symbolic languages - ??? Arabic, Hebrew, Asian something???- Blogger won't let me cut & paste it into this entry.) It was his idea and he so surprised me. My tall, bashful, more quiet boy thought of his mom and did something so sweet.

I am still crying.

And then a little later he brought me this paperwork to sign. He is registering for his senior year. My baby isn't a baby anymore. That tiny baby that almost died, that we were told to say goodbye to, that wasn't expected to live past his birth-night, that was supposed to be tiny, sickly, puny, that miracle boy of ours is almost grown! This is the beginning of the end of a lifetime of raising babies, children, teenagers... I'm beginning a new chapter in my life.

busy

life is crazy busy but work is getting better thanks to some major answered prayers!!!

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am making monogrammed note card sets. these are two sets i made for a coworker and my momma :). hope you all have a terrific end to your workweek!

a conversation with God

I sat there at the computer in my classroom. The children were gone leaving silence, crayons, and little messes here and there. Piles of work awaited me. I was drawn to look out the window at the woods behind my classroom. The wind had caught my attention. We were under high wind warnings all day.

The tall, old trees behind my classroom were swaying and bending more than usual, bending almost as if they were younger, more limber trees. I sat there watching, thinking and wondering if any of them would topple and amazed at how much they could stand, even as large as they are and yet, stay upright. I just sat and stared for quite a while. It was so peaceful. And in the silence I heard a thought in my head. I know it wasn't me. I'm not this smart.

And after the past few weeks of feeling like my prayers hit the glass ceiling, after last night when I sobbed in my bed and questioned Him (my maker, father of the universe) and asked Him why I feel so far away from His presence, after asking Him if He was just ticked off at me and begging Him to forgive me of anything I'd ever done (you know, hiding the asparagus in the garbage when my mommy wasn't looking, not telling my parents I got spanked back in 2nd grade- uh, Momma, I got spanked in 2nd grade :)- fighting with my sister, flipping the bus driver and all the kids on the bus off, not being the kind, wonderful, PERFECT person I think I am supposed to be.... you fill in the blank, I probably said it)... after all that I was humbled and so thankful that He would still speak to me.

Before I go on, please let me say I don't think of God as only that mean, vengeful, horrible kind of God. I have "issues" obviously. :) I see God in many, wonderful ways; please read below and you will see what I mean. I'll save the rest of that baggage for heaven, where it will all get worked out. :)

Going on... God and I began to have a conversation, sort of. I felt like I should type what He said down, and then I just started putting it in a conversation type of format, and it kept going. I'd type and then I'd hear something else... this went on for about twenty minutes. I cried as I typed and listened.

God- See those trees... they sure are blowing. A lot of them are leaned way over in the wind. Did they do something wrong?
Me- No, God, it's just really windy?
God- But they sure are leaning over. They must have done something wrong to be so bent over like that.
Me- God, it's REALLY windy out there. No tree could stand immovable in that force.
God- You mean, those trees aren't bad? They aren't wrong?
Me- (The light bulb is beginning to flicker very dimly...) No, God it's what they're supposed to do so they don't break.
God- Life is windy sometimes; it is hard. The winds are fierce today. Those trees didn't do something wrong to make the wind blow at them like that. It's just weather. The trees aren't being punished; it's just part of life. Sometimes life can just be hard and cold and fierce. But it won't last forever. The weather will improve, it will warm up, the sun will shine again, the winds will be pleasant breezes another day.
Me- So You're not mad at me then? This isn't some punishment because I've been a bad girl, broken some law of Yours, or been less than perfect?
God- No Rebekah Rose. Life just has hard spots.
Me- (silence...) So, I will do my best God to bend and not break. Please help me to not break God. I don't want to do that. I feel like such a big baby, such a weakling. I'm the baby and weakling in my family (or at least that's my perception). But God, the single, most important thing to me, what I want more than anything in the world (more than a husband, a good marriage, loving parents, good children, a warm home, food, a job that fulfills me or anything else in the world) is to make You proud of me. I want to see You smiling at me and just know that when You think of me it is with pride and not regrets. It pains me horribly to think of all the times I've failed You. I only want to bring You pride and happiness.
God- Rebekah Rose, those trees won't break. You know why? Their roots go way down deep. Those roots hold them strong in even the toughest circumstances and harshest conditions. Those trees may suffer temporarily because of the wind; it may pain them to have to bend and give so much, but they won't break. They will stand back up when it's all done.
Me- God are you the roots?
God- Now you're starting to understand child.


All this time, I have been thinking there must be some lesson, some reason for the troubles this school year, something that God wanted to teach me. Maybe not. God can obviously teach me without causing me pain- He just did. I'm not that dense or stubborn that He has to get through my thick skull by being mean to me.

Though I feel at the end of my threshold of what I can take right now, though I am drained physically, mentally, emotionally, though I don't know how I can go another, single step... I will keep going. This wind storm will pass. I will be able to stand up again and spread my limbs. The spring will come, and the Son will warm my days. There will be fruit from this time. One day soon, a soft, gentle breeze will blow on my face and I will be a better, stronger person who understands another life problem/crisis. I will be better able to help someone else who is struggling because I will be able to say "I have been through that storm, and I survived."

How I see God...

This is a prelude to the next thing I want to journal about. It is part of a conversation I had with my momma today via email.

I have struggled for years with how I see God. How I got there is a loooong, boring story full of melodrama and silliness, and to be honest I hate female drama- see it plenty in my classroom and workplace. So moving on! I see God as a loving, kind God who obviously loves us so much. I mean He came down, lived as a human, allowed Himself to be beaten and murdered... puts up with us wicked humans, puts up with me and somehow still chooses to love us, bless us, and even more amazingly use us. But sometimes I feel like God is mad at me, that He isn't speaking to me- sort of a God-silent-treatment, that He isn't proud of me, or that He is disciplining me for some secret/hidden/unknown sin... There's a long story to that, but it doesn't really matter here.

But I don't only see God that way. I have that issue when I am low, struggling with lack of sleep, sickness, and hit life's speed bumps. I know it's a trick of the enemy to get me down and discouraged, and I'm learning to fight it. But, as I frequently tell people in real life, I "ride the little bus..." I'm a slow learner when it comes to God. :) I promise when it's my "time to go," God is going to send a little bus to pick me up.

I see God in many wonderful ways though, in all seriousness. And here is how I put it to my momma today in an email.

"I also see God as amazingly loving. Blessing beyond description. Kind. Merciful. Amazingly creative.

I see Him in the laughter and smiles and hugs of my children and my students and the kids at my school. I feel Him more than anywhere when I hug a child and get loved back even more than I could give. I see Him and His kindness to me EVERY SINGLE day when I get to go home and see my bright red, cheery car sitting in the parking lot and when I pull into the driveway of this really pretty home and know that He gave them to me. I see Him through my parent's lives and the examples they lived and continue to live (more than what they've ever said to me). I see Him in the trees gently swaying in the wind, in the clouds as they float by, and in a pretty sunrise on my way to work each day. When we visited the ocean I saw His great power. When we traveled through the mountains I saw His beauty and art and appreciation for diversity. I see Him in my flowers in the backyard, in the snow that falls gently and covers the earth with His cleanness and quietens the noises that surround us. I see Him even in something silly like our loving, devoted dog or the adorable kittens that were born in our home.

I see Him as especially kind to me, which in fact I've been struggling with as well. I know God does not have favorites, but I cannot explain why He would bless me more than others, or seemingly so.

• I had a father who loved me very much.
• I have a mother and pop who love me dearly and would do anything for me.
• I have been raised in a good, secure home by loving people who provided for my needs and many of my wants, who taught me how to love and live for God, who gave me a good, moral compass, taught me how to care about others, helped me seek God's will for my life, and who have supported me my whole life.
• I have a husband who loves me deeply and has for 21 years of marriage.
• I have three beautiful, wonderful, funny, compassionate young adult children.
• I have known pain, death, loss, hunger, financial problems, marital problems, health problems, but God has kept me/us through them and it could have been oh, so much more, terribly worse.
• I was born into a free nation that is so much more monetarily blessed. I could have been born into any number of countries where even a loving family wouldn't have been able to keep me safe from the horrors of war, rape, murder, famine, disease...
• I have never had to stand on a street corner and beg for money or food.
• I have never had to spend a night on the streets, in the woods, or have to worry about where to go at night.
• I have never known the rejection of a parent or suffered abuse or neglect by their hand.
• I know that my parents and family are very proud of me.
• I have material blessings too numerous to name.
• I am free to worship without having to worry about death, imprisonment, or persecution.

I see Him in a most loving, wonderful way. I just am painfully aware of how little I deserve it (I know that's the point of the whole thing- I'm just saying.). And I am very aware of how guilty it makes me feel to have all these things and see/know/work with/read about those who don't have so much of God's blessings.

100th Day

i had very little sleep last night and am going to try to be in bed by 10 so i better make this quick. :)

today was the 100th day of school! my kids BEGGED me to do a pajama party. with the craziness of snow days almost all last week, some of the kids forgot but we had a great day! they even bugged me to wear my 'jammies and i humored them. it was a comfy way to spend my day in my warm 'jammies and robe. :) and the kids were so cute seeing their teacher in her pajamas. i think maybe they didn't know i sleep too. :) haha

i had a new t.a. start today. it was a lovely day. :) only a couple negative comments from people, but i tried to head it off at the pass.

i've done a bunch of school work tonight and am ready to try to sleep now. wondering what tomorrow will bring since we're forecast to get some freezing rain and snow/sleet early in the morning before turning into just a cold rain. wonder if it will be a late start or no school again.

so goodbye 100th day. good night world! hope you all have a terrific tuesday!

Happy Saturday

yeah, it's saturday! :) i started the day fixing the family a big breakfast/brunchy feast complete with bacon/sausage, some chorizo, potatoes, eggs, and pancakes for those who wanted them. we don't do that very often because it's not healthy of course, but it was a yummy treat! :) we've been jammin' to tom petty & the heartbreakers this morning too. i LOVE when we just have music playing through the house!!!! i've facebooked and emailed back and forth with my momma so now it's time to get to some serious work on grad school assignments and readings. ugh!!! so without further ado i'm off to read, read, read, write, write, write, and start completing this HUGE geometry assignment plus find/create a triangles task to turn in, comment on the readings on the forum. then do my lesson plans and prepare for 100th day!!!

happy saturday all!

snowday #4

we went back to school today, but are already called off for tomorrow. unbelievable! :)
tomorrow's plans include a card project i'm late on, grad homework is a MUST, and mailing out resumes. i MUST be productive tomorrow. i MUST get motivated and accomplish these biggies!!!

if it's not too bad out, i really should try to venture out with the southerners and clean up my table and get ready for 100th day which will hopefully be next monday. :) wonder what next week will bring as they're already predicting more wintry something for next tuesday! i will be starting the week with a new t.a. hoping and praying that goes well.

happy friday all!

Odell

rob and i went to borders today to get some books for my tutoring group. i promised them i'd buy them some books at payday. while we were checking out a young lady came in and was worried about an old man in a wheel chair out in the street. rob and i knew it was odell.

odell is a homeless vietnam vet we've met and talked with at different times. he hangs out at the corner of the borders' parking lot. sometimes he is quite friendly and enjoys talking. sometimes he gets angry at people as they pass him by or ignore him. i admit that at one time he scared me too when i heard him screaming at passersby. he made me laugh one time when he called some guy who ignored him the "spawn of satan." but then i really thought about it- God loves odell. he is someone's son. maybe he had kids or brothers/sisters. how did he get to be here? what happened to the young man who served our nation? how does a veteran end up like this? so rob and i started talking with him and taking him food sometimes when we can find him. he likes chicken sandwiches, dr. peppers, and strawberry shakes from mcdonalds. he has a place he sleeps he told me once in some woods. he never refuses food from us and he has never begged money from us. he always tells us "God bless you." and once when barbara was with me and we got out to talk to him for a minute, he told us "I'll never refuse food from two beautiful women." :) his mom lives in an apartment complex for seniors that is just a couple blocks from us, and sometimes we have seen him over here. he told me he goes to visit her sometimes and can stay there a night or two a month. my two oldest have seen him on their way to/from the bus stop and have talked with him too.

tonight rob went to check on him while i finished paying after the young lady said he was slumped down in his wheelchair in the street. i walked down there after i paid. he was definitely not sober, and even me with my naive and ruined nose/sense of smell, i could smell the liquor before i even got up to him. we took him some dinner back and he was out cold. rob tried to wake him up without startling him, but he was out. so rob left the food by his bottle on the ground. hopefully he found it when he woke up. i felt horrible leaving him there. we had a bad situation the last time someone came to our house with me in the car, so rob won't let us bring him home.

God be with odell tonight. keep him safe out on the streets and wherever he sleeps. help him to find You.

snowday #3

this is so silly, but we were out again today. we actually saw a snowplow on our street today, though the warm temps and rain did the job mostly anyway and much better than the plow. :)

Toto, we definitely aren't in Kansas anymore. :)

tomorrow we go back with a late start. wondering about friday as we're predicted to get ice/snow again. hmmm... at this rate we'll be going to school all summer.

snowday #2, also known as germ warfare

we're out again today... i am supposed to go in on these "snow days" or take leave but didn't even try to go in as i was up all night with a sick husband. :(

barbara started this nastiness on sunday then was better by sunday night. rob said he felt bad yesterday off and on but wasn't sure if it was just being tired. well at midnight we found out, and he was up and down all night. ICK!!!!

robert and i went to walmart today to buy gatorade, sprite, juice, broth, chicken noodle soup and crackers for the sick ones. i also bought a big thing of clorox wipes and more bleach cleaner for our bathroom. i usually keep one in each bathroom and one under the kitchen sink. i didn't know if we were out in the kitchen but my bathroom was.

we came home, ate and went to work bleaching anything and everything we could think of- doorknobs, faucets, counter tops, banisters. i even bleached the shower and bathroom trashcan.
DIE GERMS DIE!!!!! :) the dishes were washed by me too so that i could put them in super hot water and now matthew is helping me wash blankets and clothes.

tonight i better get those bills paid and i hope i will sleep! tomorrow is another day out of work- grrrrr..... don't know if i'll go in or not. this is going to be a lot of make up days and a lot of makeup time on top of that. double grrrr..... oh well, i'm glad we were off when this sick stuff hit and after last week i needed the time away from "the crazy place" as i call it. i would have ended up having a nervous breakdown if i'd had to go in. :) wonder if we'll ever go back. this is truly hilarious to us midwesterners!!!

snowday

today was a snowday. :) tomorrow we'll be off again. we're supposed to get freezing rain & ice in the morning, and maybe more ice & snow this weekend again. i have a card project to finish and ship tomorrow and maybe work on lesson plans for next week. i have a lot to do for grad school, and will try to work on that too.

i've been a bum this weekend. i feel guilty about it a little, but after the past couple weeks i'm trying to tell myself it's okay. i wonder- is this how burnout feels???? good news is i finished reading my book robert got me for Christmas about Rwanda. i started reading The Shack last night. i think i'll do some more reading tonight. :)

i have sure enjoyed the beauty of the snow. today rob and i drove out for a little while. the snow was soooo beautiful and sparkly in the sunshine. it looked like thousands of diamonds lying around catching the sun's rays. in one place we drove there was snow falling off of a pine tree in the tiniest bits like sprinkles or powder falling and they sparkled as they fell. it was truly beautiful!!!!

Snowstorm 2010

our snowstorm photos:

i love icicles...

We actually got a good amount of snow- the most we've seen in five years and to the people down here a big deal. :)

my herb garden is almost all covered except for this lavender and another one (i can't remember which one we planted there)

rob and i had to take barbara to work... we played around being silly (i don't like photos of me, but thought i'd oblige my family) :)

the front porch is buried deep in a drift

i love our home that God gave to us- in every kind of weather :) i still almost a year later can't believe we live here, that we don't rent it, that it is ours, that what was impossible was given to us by God's good grace... and now on this snowy, icy, cold day, here i am, sitting here curled up under my fuzzy blanket enjoying a pretty fire and am so thankful for His provisions.

and in other news, matthew gave himself a mohawk (ten years after he started asking me for one...) :)

snow, snow, snow, snow, SNOW!

it's snowing- "real" snow- here in NC! :) WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! rob and i woke up around 7 AM this morning and there's a lot of snow on the ground- more than we've seen in five years since moving here to the balmy south.

the t.v. meterologist is saying 6-8 inches has fallen so far here with another inch or two to come. it's mixing with bands of sleet now too.

we were down to close to bare cupboards and fridg since it was the end of the month. today would have been my normal monthly grocery shopping day, but with the "storm" i was afraid i wouldn't be able to get the food- everything has shut down here. so rob and i braved walmart last night - OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! talk about culture shock. i have never in my whole midwestern life seen so many people in a store- not at Christmas, not at Black Friday, not the day after Christmas- never! it was HILARIOUS!!!! you'd have thought the rapture or Armageddon was about to happen or something. :)

EVERYTHING is closed- even the hospital is scrolling across the tv screen with some sort of emergency plan in place. my coworkers are talking about us not getting back to work for quite some time- HILARIOUS, and from what i've seen even when we do go back i'm sure we'll be late starting everyday. the late start part i don't mind, but the missing i do- we'll be going to school until july at this rate.

as i've said often since moving here, "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore." ;)

today my heart broke

7:50 AM- The school day has just begun. My classroom is a busy, bustling place filled with happy faces and busy children & teacher. We are preparing to leave for our various "Reading Club" classrooms. It is Spotlight Breakfast day and two of my children are being honored and receiving awards from me. One of them came back early, slamming the classroom open, stomping in, and throwing his award into his cubby quite angrily. Before I knew it, this very, VERY tough little boy who does not like hugs or accept physical attention/affection but rarely is in my lap, head on my shoulder, sobbing. And so was I. I think I felt my heart break.