Freedom

I woke up today and found the news of Benazir Bhutto's death. I am saddened to think about another life taken in hate and to think of another soul gone to meet her maker. I hope she was ready.

As I've spent all this time looking at news stories of Bhutto's death and her life, I've been thinking about our country. There are many things about this country I don't like, but I am reminded again, as we are coming up to elections ourselves, of just how precious freedom is. Thank you God for being born in a land where we are free to express our ideas, to oppose those in leadership, to live our lives the way we want, all in freedom and without fear of death threats, suicide bombers, or assassination. I know there are threats and increased need for security amongst our politicians, but we are still so much more free and safe in this nation than in so many other places.

Lord, don't let me forget to appreciate what I have, where I live, and the freedoms I have. God, please be with the families of those who were killed; somehow please send them Your comfort and peace and let them come to know You as their God. Lord, please bring peace to all the many places torn by war and civil unrest. Protect Your people in lands all over this world, and let us all come to know Your freedom in this life and the next. And Father, please would You be with "my" two little girls, who are and were my students, and their mom and grandparents, who are now in Pakistan with their family. Please, Lord, keep them safe and bring them back to their father here in this country.

Meniere's STINKS

I am sick of not feeling good!!!! It's Christmas vacation for crying out loud! This is getting old. I'm getting sick of myself. I don't want my husband, children, parents, coworkers to get sick of me.

I just wish this would go away, my ears would not hurt, my head would not hurt, I would not be dizzy and nauseous. And this ringing in my ears- well I've about had it with that. It's driving me crazy!!!!!!!

Oh well, time to get myself up and go on, sick or not. What else am I going to do? I am trying my best, God, to not be a whiner or complain much to Rob or anyone else either. You're the only one who really knows just how awful I feel right now.

A Quiet Christmas Day

It's Christmas morning. The kids and I slept in the family room together last night. Rob stayed up late writing while we all slept and finally went to bed. :) Matthew, who is usually the last kid up and is definitely our "night owl," was the first one to sleep last night and the first one up today. :) He was sitting up on his pallet waiting for us to all wake up, and when I woke up, he said, "Let's open our presents!!!" :) Still like a little boy even if he's the biggest person in the house. :)

It's been a nice, quiet Christmas morning so far. The kids opened their gifts. While the kids made their breakfast, took turns playing their video games, and Rob put his toolbox together, I have written & addressed all my thank you cards. Boy, my hand is hurting now where I broke or hurt the pinky. It has been bothering me more and down into my hand, but I just keep praying for it and letting God take care of it. I'm strongly debating just having my "pj" day and staying in them today. Everyone else has stayed in theirs too so far, and it's been years since we had a family pj day. :)

Last night was a lot of fun!!! We decided to have our Christmas dinner last night like we used to do with my family in Illinois. I didn't want to deal with a turkey, so we had a roast instead. It was a nice, much simpler meal. We used the "Grandma" china and, for the first time ever, I let the kids bring out the crystal from Vietnam that was my daddy & momma's. We watched The Nativity Story; that is a great movie! I cried throughout the movie. We all wrote a letter to God, went out into the yard and those who wanted to, shared their letters with the rest of us, then we all burned our letters as an "offering" to God. Then we came back inside and had the sillies- the kids had Santa on radar (noradsanta.org) and kept watching for him off and on during the evening; it was funny! I called my parents, and we all talked to them. My dad has started a "family joke" about the Waffle House- a different story I should write sometime- so we kidded around about that too. Then we all just crashed on our pallets/couch/chair and went to sleep. Barbara kept telling us to "hush up and go to sleep- Santa is coming." I hung up the boys' stockings before we went to sleep, but I couldn't put up Barbara's because it had a stuffed reindeer peeking out at her. So when she woke up this morning, I told her that Santa had, in fact, come. She saw her reindeer and did her usual "girl, gushiness" stuff- "Oooh, he's so-o-o-o cute!!!!!!!!!!" :)

I sure do love my family!!! Thanks God for this wonderful family you gave me, and for more precious time with them. I am so thankful for all You have blessed me with.

Now, I think I will do some reading and maybe I'll write some too. We're going to watch Christmas movies and I think I'll see if my kids want to play a game with me too.

Merry Christmas to all who are crazy enough to read my blog! :)

Joyfully yours,
Rebekah :)

Merry Christmas Jesus

Thank you Lord for sending your only son down here with all of us. Jesus, what a sacrifice that was in and of itself. That you left heaven in all its splendor (I cannot even fathom it) to be born down here, especially when you knew what the outcome would be and the torture and sacrifice you'd go through after a hard life here on earth. I've already been thinking a lot about the circumstances of how/when/where you were born. Then tonight we've watched the movie, The Nativity Story. I have sat here and cried as I watched the scriptures put into movie form to show the events of your birth.

• You were born to a mother who was probably looked down on and shunned for her questionable pregnancy. In today's standards, we would have looked down on you too as the child of an unwed, teenage mother. Who would believe one who said that it was "God's work" or one who claimed to be a virgin mother?
• You were born to a working class, poor family. Joseph and Mary had nothing- no home, no fortune, no great future... You could have come to a wealthy family or one of great influence.
• You were born in a barn with a trough and hay for your bed. Not in a warm home or a hospital with family standing by eagerly awaiting. You are royalty, and yet you were born like a lowly one- less even- not even to be born in a home, but in the midst of animals.
• Your mother had to go through her delivery in a place of strangers without anyone familiar to be with her in that scary process of delivering her first born. How terrified she must have been with no mother, sisters, female relatives there to be with her and explain and help.
• Your family had to travel away from home at the time of your birth, away from any support system for you. No familiar people, neighbors, places- only strangers and no place for your mother to go when it was her time.
• The "witnesses" to your birth were animals and a group of what was considered "low class" shepherds from the fields. You really did come for every-man didn't you? You are God, and yet, you aren't too good for us "lowly" ones.
• You moved the stars, rulers, circumstances, and more to fulfill the prophecies, to show men your son, to make a way for his miraculous birth. There is nothing you cannot do.

God, you really sacrificed when you came down here, on so many levels. Thank you for what you did so many hundreds of years ago, what you've done in my life, and what you'll continue to do in the future. Thank you for loving your sinful, wicked creation so much that you would give up your comfort, glory, honor, worship by angels and come to live in a corrupt and evil place, in human form to suffer hunger, cold, pain, sorrow, loneliness, homelessness, stress, worry, and more than I could ever know, just to save us pitiful people. We are so undeserving, but those of us who have come to know you are so very thankful.

Merry Christmas Jesus!

clipart from cutecolors.com

Christmas Cards

Christmas cards- yeah, I know. A lot of people love them, a lot of people hate them. They're "just another thing on the to-do list," a "waste of money," a "keeping up with the whoever's"....
But, I don't just sign "Merry Christmas from the Thomases" or some such thing. I try to jot a note to make it personal to each person. My kids hate when it's Christmas card time because I pass the cards around and make them sign all of them. When they were little, even when their "signature" was just a scribble, I made them do it. Only then it wasn't a chore for them, more for me who had to start way early to get them all done. You know little kids can't do 30 in a night. :) Now, though, it's a "tradition" with me that we all sign our own names.

This year, I have been making our Christmas cards; they're not much, but I have had fun doing a few here and there, fitting a few in before bed or between errands and school work and running kids around.

I stayed up WAY TOO LATE last night making the last batch of cards since it is the 20th and probably too late to be mailing them now, but there are a lot of people I wanted to send them too and just didn't get time to make a card for. So now I'm trying to get it all done and in the mail before it is really too late. I mean a Christmas card in March might be considered odd. :) I guess I could have just gone out and bought some, but I wanted to do these home-made ones for some weird reason.

As I sit here, it starts to make me a little sad, missing all these people I'm trying to jot notes to, to tell about the kids and all the things in our family's life since I last saw these people (most two years or more ago).... But then it hits me--- Silly, Rebekah, instead of being sad because you miss these people, you should be happy that you have had so many people come into your life and bless it. I have all these people I can call my friends. So many, in fact, that I have to stay up late to be able to make all the cards for them and have to write until my hand aches to tell them all that I love them and think of them and remember them and miss them.

That's really a blessing!!!! I could have just one or two people in my life to send a card to, or I could have nobody to care for or who cared for me. Instead my life has been filled with lots of people that I care about. How blessed I am! So, I am not going to be sad, but I am thankful for all the "old" friends I have worked with who still remember me and send me a card at Christmas or a note to tell me about their lives. It means I am still remembered, and even after a couple years have passed, they still love me and miss me and think of me too. I am thankful for my "old" friends that I got together with to talk about work, children, women stuff, and mostly laugh with. I am thankful for family that I adore and who love me and for all the shared history we have- good and bad.

Yeah, I am blessed to be able to remember so many people that I care about and that I have been important to at some point. Thanks, God, for letting me have so many Christmas cards to make that I have to stay up late to get them all done. :) That's cool!

Robert's Church

Last night we attended Robert's church. He attends the Vietnamese Baptist Church in Greensboro. He started going to youth group there on Friday nights (in addition to our own church services) with some friends from school last January after he went to a skating night at the "Icehouse" with their group. He instantly felt right at home with the youth group, and liked it even better than the youth group at church where we had been attending since we moved here. He has since commented on the church people-he said they had been so warm and welcoming to him that they were like family to him. He really loves that church!!! He started thinking about and mentioning a few times that he just really wanted to go to church there as "his" church (they were much friendlier and loved the youth more than he felt at the other church, and he LOVED the youth group a lot more). We told him we would pray about it, and we did. We asked the youth leader to come by and let us meet him sometime, which he did. We had a nice conversation with him, and were very pleased. Anyway when we began to look for a new church in April, Robert again asked us to "let him go" to his church. So, in May, we decided he could, and he's been attending there ever since. He goes faithfully, pays his tithes, and is actively involved in the youth group. I can tell that he is growing in God as he comes home and shares what the pastor preached about, I can see him reading his Bible and sharing with me things he's learned, he pays his tithes and more and gives to missions too, he is becoming less "tight" with his money and more generous with God and with others. He shares a lot about the pastor's mission trips to Vietnam, and I know he's called his grandma to ask her to pray about those trips as well.

So, last night, they had their Christmas service/program. Robert was going to be singing, so we thought this would be the perfect time to visit, which we've been wanting to do for a long, long time. Boy, was that a new experience!!! Matthew goes to youth group on Fridays with Robert and has for a while now too, but Barbara, Rob, & I had not been there yet. They were very, very warm and friendly people! The pastor's wife had a handshake of iron, took us by the hand told us "Merry Christmas" and took us right up to the front row. For anyone who knows me, after years of marriage to Rob who is a bit of a recluse in social activities, a ton (literally) of weight gain, and a lot of "bad" experiences, I am strictly a back row church attender. I always sit on the back row, and if I have to move up more than one row, I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable!!! So this was doubly bad, to be on the front row, to be in front of all these people who are short and thin and tiny. We were the only "white" people there, and we didn't understand a word that was being said in the whole building. I was planning on sitting in the back where we could quietly watch and participate without being noticed. Not happening!!! The man who began the service was, I think, welcoming visitors to the church. Different people, and their children, would stand up and the church clapped for them, then the man at the microphone would talk some more, someone else would stand up and more applause. The next thing I know, he's looking at us and saying something and pausing and then he gestured for us to stand up. Everyone clapped, and I got caught up in the headphones that weren't working anyway and yanked them off my head. I felt like such an idiot!!!!!!! :) Then the pastor's wife came up and told me that they were for when "pastor preach." Now I really felt dumb. :) I just knew Robert would be embarrassed by me.

There ended up being no translation that night for some reason, but it was very neat to watch him preach and to hear a sermon in another language. I could catch a few words- Luke, Joseph, Mary, Jesus, & Bethlehem. That was all I understood, but as I watched the pastor preach, I thought about heaven. I know there will probably be some heavenly language, but I thought it would be neat if we all spoke our own languages and could still understand each other. However God has that worked out, I think it will be so neat to see all the people of all races, colors, cultures, there together loving God and worshipping together. There won't be any prejudices, any superiority, any stuck-up people. We'll all be brothers and sisters serving God together. I wish it could be that way on earth now.

Just another aside- As a teacher of students from far away places like Pakistan, Mexico, Puerto Rico, and Vietnam, I found it an interesting and educational experience too. It reminds me and gave me a first-hand experience to see what it might feel like for my kids and their families to be surrounded by people who look different, eat different foods, and speak a different language. It helped me understand, even more through first hand experience, how it might feel for them on a daily basis to be so "different" from everyone else around them.

After church, the people all went to the gym for food, one lady invited us over to join them. Matthew was out with a coworker of mine and her family for a birthday dinner for her son, Spencer, so we were going to get on home to make sure we were there when he got back- that also happened to be a good and legitimate "excuse" for us- Barbara was very uptight about having to eat Vietnamese food, and I was afraid we might really embarrass Robert. But, Barbara wanted to meet the youth leaders (she's been talking about going with them on Friday nights now that she's not working). So, Robert took us over to the gym just so she could meet the leaders- Dai & Jenny & Bao. As we were coming in the door, here came the pastor's wife. She grabbed hold of us by the arms and pulled us into the food line telling us that she had forgotten to invite us over for food, to "come, come eat." She kept waving us into the line and was very persistent. I was afraid we would be offensive if we didn't stay, so we stayed. Barbara was very nervous, and to be honest, so was I. Robert has told us about some of the foods that he has eaten at church (They eat together a couple times a month after church on Sundays, and the youth eat together every Sunday). Rob doesn't care for ginger either, and that is used heavily in Vietnamese food I think. So, we were all three very brave and tried some new things. I was very proud of Barbara, who is a vegetarian and also picky. She tried some small bites of several things I my plate after I fished out and ate the meat for her. The people around us were very friendly and we talked to a couple as much as our language barriers allowed us to. We sat with Robert and some of his friends from the youth group and school. He does fit right in there, and I can see why he likes it. We did the right thing by allowing him to attend there. We also heard that "Robert is a good boy." (from the pastor's wife who came up and grabbed Rob by the arm to tell him that and reached up and patted Robert's cheek. She said, "He is good boy, he sing in Vietnamese." She told us several times that he was a good boy, and it made me feel very proud.

And yes, Robert did sing in Vietnamese. It was very neat and moving to see him up there with his friends and youth leaders singing in another language. I sat there beaming at him, and thinking of all the years since Rob and I decided we wanted to get married- from our engagement to our marriage to our years of being young parents of young children, to the toddlers and babies that crawled and ran through our apartment, to preschoolers swinging on the swing set and sliding down the slide, to the "movie nights" we used to have together where we all slept in the living room together, to learning to teach a kid to ride a bike, to all the ear infections, surgeries, hospital trips, to the arguing siblings, to all the good times and wonderful memories, to every stage we've been through... I know there are a lot of things I could have done better, and there a few things I wish I could "redo," but as I watched him, I thought, "With God's help we did good. We have raised a son who loves God, wants to go to church and serve Him, who is not prejudiced at all and doesn't see skin color or eye shape or hair color or language as a barrier between people, just as another wondrous way God made us." That was what I set out to do when I said I wanted to be a mom- to bring up kids that would love and live for God and who would not go into the world and cause hurt but would love everyone no matter the outward appearance. Yeah, I could find things I should have done better, but in the end, Rob and I have "done good." Not perfect, but pretty good.

"Why Me?"- this is not what it sounds like

There is a beautiful Christmas song playing right now. It's supposed to be from Joseph's perspective asking God, "Why me? I'm just an ordinary man. Why her? She's just a young girl... Why here? etc. etc. etc. It made me think about all my blessings and the problems I've seen others face, even in my own family. I have asked God "why?" many times, and I know I'm not alone, but I decided to turn the "why" around because God could just have easily not answered prayers in the ways He has or He could have chosen a different path for my life. All would have still been God's work, but seriously, why does God work the way He does? I don't know, but I am thankful for all the blessings He's given me, all the times He's been with me in the hard times, all His help, His forgiveness.... So, really this is just a "reverse thank you list" between God and me.

God, why me?

• Why me? Why did you die for me? Why do you keep on loving me and forgiving me when you, alone, know how wicked and undeserving I really, truly am?
• Why did you bless me with Rob when I was only 16 and give us a good marriage?
• Why did you keep us married through some pretty hard times?
• Why did you give me three wonderful children?
• Why did you protect me and the unborn children I was carrying in through car wrecks, health problems, poor nutrition, etc.
• Why did you spare Matthew's life?
• Why did you allow me to be what I wanted- a wife, a mom, a teacher?
• Why do you allow me to see the hurts and wrongs in children's lives and be there for them and love them and be loved back most of the time?
• Why do you bless my daily work and allow me to be able to work with children and families?
• Why do you provide our daily needs?
• Why have you blessed us with a nice rental home?

God, I don't really understand why you have loved me at all, why you have blessed me with a wonderful family and a good marriage, or why you have taken care of me all these years. Sometimes it is especially hard to understand when I see others (friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, the homeless people I pass daily) who have lost children, had marriages fail, been through tough times. But I know You are with all of us who call on You, and I know You have been with me. I just want you to know that I am thankful for all that You have done for me. And I am so thankful that You would look down from above and see this very undeserving person and choose to be involved in my life. I'm grateful that you've helped in all the ways you have, and that even though I have had problems, too, You've never left me or forsaken me.

God, thank you for choosing me- even if I don't understand.

And, God,

Merry Christmas

Strange Conversation With the Boss

Yesterday, I had to talk with my principal about a "scenario" that might be a problem due to county policies and our sue-happy society. It has to be the most unusual conversation I've ever had with a boss before. Basically, I had to ask permission to use the restroom. :)

Now, Dawn, was very good about it, and pointed out to me that in many jobs you have to ask permission (factory work for one); we agreed thought that it didn't probably occur in any other "professional" job, She also commented that it was a real statement about what teacher working conditions are like when a teacher cannot even use the restroom in her own classroom without permission.

The only reason this came up is because I am back on the medicine I was supposed to be taking all along, but quit when school started because of this very issue. So, now I am back on it and I won't be able to "hold" it all day as I was doing before.

Lovely blog, huh? :) Just wanted to record this for future giggles or to ask myself, "Why on earth did you put that on your blog? :)

Smiles from me :)

My Trash Basket

Momma sent me a forward the other day, and as I'm home with an attack of vertigo lying here in the recliner with Barbara's school laptop, I finally took more time to look at it. It was a "cute kids' saying" type deal which I usually love.

This one really made me think after I laughed. Kids often speak the truth in ways so deep they don't even know. Makes me think of the saying, "...out of the mouths of babes."

• One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

How true this is. Lord help me to forgive the people who have put trash in my basket. And please help me to not be guilty of putting trash in others' baskets. I never really thought about it like this before. Instead of keeping junk around and being mad and hurt about stupid things and having to pray and ask God for help to forgive (which is okay too, I know), but maybe I could just start saying, "Oh look at that piece of trash someone dropped in my basket; I don't need that, let me just take it out of here..." I don't know, I'm probably just slow, but thinking about it like that, just really gave me a visual image. I can just see me nonchalantly and without anger just picking up some yucky thing someone said to me and tossing it aside without really having to take time to get mad. Like the next time someone stares at me or giggles when the fat lady walks by or a coworker is snide or gets offended at me or my teenagers get upset with me because I am being a mom and doing my job or about a million other countless things.

WOW, that is really, truly deep!!!!

Dizzy

I woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well. I stayed home today thinking if I slept and did nothing it might help. Now it's 10 something at night, and I'm so dizzy it's not funny. This morning I thought I ate something that didn't agree with me or had a little flu bug, but now I guess I know what it really is...

I have something called Meneire's Disease. It causes spells of vertigo, hearing loss, and assorted other issues. I've had it for a while, but it wasn't diagnosed, officially, until this past March. It's not much fun.

So here I sit, trying not to move much, holding my head as still as I can, waiting until I absolutely can't stand it anymore to get up and do everything I need to do at once. I am feeling terribly guilty about staying home from school today and knowing I shouldn't stay home tomorrow, but not wanting to drive or go to work feeling like this either. I've been doing better for a while now, just minor hearing problems that worsened from time to time and short spells of ear ringing/roaring that didn't last too long. But over the last couple months or so, I've been noticing more and more issues with hearing. I haven't heard my cell phone ring countless times. My kids get aggravated at me because they have to repeat themselves a lot with me. I can't hear a thing in the cafeteria unless you're sitting right in front of me or next to me and I still have to try to read lips or turn my head towards whoever is speaking, and I'm having troubles in the classroom and on the playground too. A lot of times I just try to act like I hear my coworkers or kids or students and try to figure out what's being said, on a time delay- sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. Some of my coworkers don't understand and, to be honest, I don't think they even believe me. I laughingly told my principal I was going to get a Dr.'s note, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't do that.

When these "bad spells" happen, I struggle with wondering how I am going to do my job and drive and be a good mom and wife and live with these spells. When they ease up, it's bearable. Right now, though, I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach, my ears are hurting and ringing. I hate this!!!!!!!!!! I've been really trying not to say much about this to Rob, my family, my coworkers- I've said some I know- but I've tried not to let on how much trouble I'm having. I'm sick of me, and I know there's nothing that can be done anyway. If I'm sick of me, how much more is everyone else?!!!! Besides, everyone has their problems to deal with; no one needs to add mine.

So, God, it's me once again. You know I've got this dumb problem, and it's getting worse. My hearing is starting to really be an issue, and although it didn't bother me at first, the thought of having permanent hearing loss is bugging me a bit right now. And right now, I've got the vertigo big time. I need you to take care of this so I can get up and go to work tomorrow or if you want me to stay home and rest, then I need to not feel so guilty all the time about missing work. I don't really think I miss that much, but You know me- I always feel guilty about something, don't I? I'm a real piece of work, God. Bet You wonder about me a lot don't You. :) Hope I still make You laugh sometimes, though. I try to please You and be humorous to You too. I crack myself up sometimes, anyway. Does that count? :)

Good night God.

Ouch!!!!

Today I did another "classic" Rebekah move- hurt myself accidentally.

I think I might have broken my pinkie on my right hand. A similar injury to the time I hurt my left hand when I was engaged to Rob. Grace is my middle name. :):) :)

So, tomorrow Rob will go out and buy a splint and tape my finger up. For now, I'm typing with one and a half hands. Loving this.

Clumsily me, and yours,
Rebekah

Godmother 2

Yes, it's the sequel. :)

No, seriously, it's just some pictures now. Maria sent the link so I could get them and I wanted to put a picture or two or ten :) up to remember this special day in our lives. It was beautiful, and it was an added bonus to have my own kids there with me.

So, without any further ado, meet my godson, Noah Brooks!!!!

Now, I really HATE pictures of me, but I even like this one! :) Of course, anytime there's a good looking young man in the picture, it helps make everyone else look better. :)

And last, but not least, me and my young people, whom I ADORE!

Long Distance Concerts, Christmas Trees, December Memories

Once while my Momma was going through her rough days of chemo, she missed a band concert of Robert's. I had just gotten a cell phone a few months before, and thinking she might like to hear his concert, and feeling a bit melancholy for her, I called her and held up the phone so she could still hear Robert's band play. I remember it was the jazz band, and I thought she would have really liked it.

Well, tonight, I did the same thing so Grandma could hear Matthew play with a few other young people in the East Forsyth Brass Ensemble as they performed at a tree lighting ceremony in Kernersville. I HATE being so far away from the family, hate the kids not having their grandparents around for these things. My parents have always tried to be at everything they could- even when we didn't live close by they still made it to some of the things the kids did. So I really hate that I took them away from their grandparents who are a big, important part of their lives. I HATE that I took the grandkids away from my parents who adore them, enjoy their company, and would like to be able to be at these important events. I HATE that I am alone with only Rob to watch the kids' "moments" pass by, with no mom or pop to make the memory with. So, tonight, I did the only thing I could. I called my mom and held up a cell phone so she could hear the band play, and cried in the dark.

But, it wasn't all homesick and "blues" as my family is full of clowns!!! Rob, Robert, & Barbara were full of wisecracks and jokes and laughing- Barbara especially!!!! Before the event, we picked Matthew up from the high school where he had practiced, and drove to Sonic where we ate and joked and laughed. Then we went to the park for the big ceremony. We left after Matthew played, and went back to G'boro to get a Christmas tree. I even tried to do a line from the movie Barbara & I hate- The Christmas Story- and got us all doing it. YIKES!!! We picked out our tree- a pretty white pine and have come home and begun the decorating process. We have our tree up with colored and white lights to please the kids and the mom. It has all our homemade, kid-made, momma-made, and other keepsake ornaments. It is a homey looking tree, but as I sit here and look at it in the dark, I realized that, though, the tree may not be very pretty to an outsider or make my home look "beautiful," each ornament that is on that tree has a memory of a child who made it, a momma who painted some when I was little, memories that come with some of those ornaments from my childhood, special memories of our younger/poorer/harder days as a young couple with young children. I may someday trade in a "homemade" tree for a "prettier" one, but I hope I can find a way to keep these special mementos to remember a life full of loved ones and good memories.

While we decorated, we had Christmas music going. Robert went in search of our large stash of Christmas music and acted as our DJ. Barbara & Matthew had fun dancing together in the kitchen and creating dance routines to the Trans Siberian Orchestra's version of music from the Nutcracker. It was too cute and too funny to watch them dancing, leg kicking, twirling, grabbing each other by the elbow and spinning... Then they, literally, begged me to let them hang lights all up and down the hall. I'm starting to get old enough that that doesn't really appeal to me, but as I opened my mouth to say no, I thought twice, and remembered that there are only a handful of years left, if that, that my kids will even be here to decorate with me. There are only a few years left that they will want to do that, and then it will all be gone- no kids to joke and tease with while we hang up things, no kids to watch dance and laugh together in the kitchen, no kids to say, "Please Mommy, can we have colored lights in our room/in the hall/on the door?" So, I quickly changed my mind and told them it was okay. So now my hall is lit up very gaudily, but the two are quite pleased and that's all that matters to me.

Now I sit here in the dark with the fireplace going full-steam (oh yeah, I forgot to write that we woke up without heat this morning, so it's getting kind of chilly again), and my candles are burning brightly in the dark, and the Christmas tree and angel on top are all shining, and it is all very pretty. Though I'm very homesick right now for my family, I'm so thankful for the family that came all this way with me. They make my days so much better, and make me a better person! It's been a wonderful, fun night, sure to give us all pleasant memories down the road. So, as I drift off to sleep, I'll say Thanks Father for a way to share a brief moment of time with my momma through a silly cell phone (a century ago, that would not have even been possible, two centuries ago, I would have never even seen my family again if I'd made this move). Thanks for Your birth and what this holiday is really about. Help me to keep focused on that and not to forget it in all the busy-ness. And Thanks for a fun evening chock full and overflowing in laughter and fun with my family!!!!!!!!!!

Woooo-hooooo (A BIG accomplishment- no pun intended)

Okay, I'm FAT!!!!!!! Obese. Elephantine. Large. Full-bodied. Overweight. Hefty. Big Mama (yes, I've been called that at school). Plus size. And, yes, I've been told, "You have such a pretty face." :) A typical fat person compliment.

I've also worked on not being so fat for years with no real, lasting success. I've exercised, tried to watch what I eat, etc. so many times I can't even count them all. But this summer, I really got serious about asking God to help me and me sticking to my guns about working on this weight issue. My goal is realistic, I think. I am almost 37. My goal is to be as close to a more ideal weight by the time I hit 40 as I can. I may never be small, but I think I can at least be a much more healthy weight by then. And as I am making better eating and exercise habits, this weight should be able to be maintained and maybe even keep losing after I am 40, but I know this is really getting to be my "last chance" to get the weight off before I hit those famous middle-age years. Instead of worrying so much about a "poundage" I'm going to try to focus on dropping dress sizes and inches and that's really what I need to focus on.

So, without really having the $ for it, Rob and I both decided to join the Y this summer since we found out about a GCS employee discount. So since mid-July we have been going faithfully to the Y 3-5 times a week. I started swimming and treading water, but began to start walking some also as school started. I could barely do a 1/2 mile when I first started walking, but am now up to about 2 miles. :) I can now tread water for 30 minutes or more too without being even very tired. :)

Now for the really honest, embarassing part. When we first started going, I was too fat to be able to weigh on the scales in the Y. I have estimated my weight, and I think it's probably a pretty good guess. The scale has been moving, slowly- VERY slowly. In mid- September I hurt my back at work, but kept going on exercising for another week or two. But by late-September, I could hardly walk, stand, sit, and couldn't even get in/out of bed without Rob just having to pull me out with me literally screaming. That put an end to my exercise routine, and I've been concerned about it. After about a month of pain, I started doing some walking around our neighborhood, but it hasn't been much at all. Tonight, two months since I hurt my back, I went back to the Y. I started by weighing myself, figuring I'd picked up some pounds. BUT, oh my goodness- I have continued to lose weight!!!!!!!! I'm now down about 30 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!

God must be helping me, because there is no other explanation for it. So now I'm counting on You, God, to help me keep this up and lose another 30 pounds and then another 30 and another and another. I would like to do this another 5 times. Yeah, that's a good way to look at it- 30 pounds X 5. I can do that. Just a few pounds at a time. And at this rate, I should start dropping the clothes sizes soon.

THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING ME LOSE 30 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweetbitter

I know, I know- the word is actually " bittersweet," but I'm calling it this because I try to look at things from the positive- not that I actually am good at that, but I try anyway.

Tonight is the end of our family holiday time. My parents and sister have been here for Thanksgiving, arriving on Tuesday afternoon/evening and leaving tomorrow after they go to church with us. Last year we started doing Christmas too so that we can be together for opening presents instead of being apart and not seeing each other open the gifts. Plus, as fellow members of the "payday-to-payday" club, it helps us all save on postage. :)

Sweet parts- This is a good thing to have them come see us. I know from our own travelling back home how expensive it is- MUCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it is a sacrifice for them to pay for all that gas and hotel rooms and food and that they really don't have it to spend, but probably gave up something else to come. And, though I am not as old as my parents, and though my family may not understand how much teachers really do work, I do understand how tiring a 2000 mile round trip is and how hard it is to make that trip when you have to go right back to work. I know that my mom and sister both have to go back to work the day after they get back. I also know that, as my parents remind us, they are getting older and the travelling is harder on them then it used to be, so they are already really worn out and will be more so. SO, I'm so very thankful and appreciative that they would come all the way here for us to all be together for Thanksgiving!!! They could have just left it up to us or said, "You should come home to us for the holidays." But they didn't and haven't and have made the journey each of the three falls since we've been here in N.C.

We've had a lot of fun together and lots of laughs. They were also here for another round of "Parenting AAAAAHHHHHH"- the latest new parenting game guaranteed to drive you crazy!!! I was glad Momma & Pop were here for Rob and I in person this time; it helped a lot!!!! We stood in our bedroom together late one night and talked and cried and prayed together for the kids, one in particular. We also surprised Momma with a 5 year cancer survivor "thing" too since her five year mark was last week. Jessica and Barbara picked out all the decorations and bought her gifts. She and Babs and Matthew stayed home today and decorated the house and cooked the dinner and dessert- all dishes Jessica knew Momma likes and a couple "Jessica" specialties. Rob, Robert, Pop, & I took Momma out to an historical site here in Greensboro to distract her. I was bummed because I had really wanted to do this special, but probably hokey, rose thing for her as my contribution, but Jessica and Pop didn't feel like it would work since the flowers wouldn't survive the trip, plus with our distraction I couldn't get to the florist anyway. But I think my sister and kids did a nice job and Momma was really surprised so all's well that ends well.

Bitter- Now I can feel the bitter part coming, and I feel like you do when you have a big, old band aid that you need to take off the hairy part of your arm. You know it's going to REALLY hurt, and you dread it and don't want to do it, but also know it's best if you just yank hard and get it over with instead of pulling gently and slowly and drawing it all out...

I felt teary and a bit down before they got here thinking about the goodbye that was also going to be a part of the "hello," but decided not to think about that too much and just enjoy the time they were here. But now the goodbye is almost here and I've got to get myself together enough to not blubber my eyes out until they're gone and not in the church parking lot. You'd think after two years and four months, I'd be doing better. It's not like we haven't gone home to see the family or they haven't come here. I just get so homesick for my family. And knowing Christmas is coming and we can't go home to be with them, and that we'll be out here alone and they'll be out there without us. Knowing it will be months again before we see them... Knowing that it pains my daughter, especially, to be apart from her aunt and grandma who are big influences in her life and who I know she misses a lot- more than she lets on. Knowing that I took the grandkids away from the grandparents and that the grandparents really miss the kids.

So, like many, many things in life, this week has been sweetbitter- a lot of good followed by a bitter pill. I never was good at swallowing pills, and I sure have a hard time with this pill. I just keep hanging on to the sure feeling that Rob & I had when we moved that this was in God's plan. Sure hope we weren't stupid on that one!

Giving Thanks

I'm thankful for so many, many things. God, thank you for:

• Your way of salvation
• Your unending love & mercy
• putting up with my many, many faults and still loving me somehow for some reason
• giving me a momma & a daddy that loved me and wanted me and brought me into this world & who started me on the path to knowing you
• giving me an adopted dad who loves me like his own and who has been a good father and terrific grandfather to my kids and a dad to Rob too
• allowing me the privilege of growing up in a Christian home where I was taught about You and saw a Godly example before me every day so that I know what is right & wrong and how to live for You
• a sister who loves me even though we haven't always gotten along or agreed on everything
• sending me Rob (and at such a young age too) to be my husband, love, best friend, father of my children, and my life-mate
• giving us three beautiful & wonderful children whom I adore and couldn't imagine life without
• helping Rob & I to survive the bad times in our marriage and hang on to see these good days
• helping us through all the past troubles- money, housing, cars, college, sickness, no food, no sleep, no money, no time, no patience, sometimes no love...
• helping us through our current troubles- money, car, kids, work, no sleep, no money, no family nearby but our crew of 5
• being with me when I feel so lonely, down, homesick, stressed out, tired- or more like exhausted, sick...
• guiding our steps wherever they have gone
• being with us when our family was in the Philippines and our problems were monumental
• being with us always
• all the "material" blessings you've provided for us- food when we need it, a vehicle to drive, and help to fix them when they've broken, clothes on our backs, Christmas for the kids many times when we didn't have it to do, a place to stay warm and dry- and now such a nice place to live on top of it
• all the times You've shown yourself to us- in a rainbow as we moved, giving us peace when Rob enrolled in college full time, being with Matthew when he was airlifted and we were told he probably wouldn't live 24 hours.
• a good church & pastors (for the time we've had it)
• being with family as often as we can
• helping us to raise this family of ours and for your continued help to get the job done and done well
• all the help you give to us and for going with us each day to our classrooms and helping us to love and provide for our students' needs
• allowing our family to come here for this holiday- even though it hurts to see them leave again
• giving my momma five more years with us than she could have had or I thought she might- may you bless her and all of us with many, many more years of good health and wonderful times and memories together
• promising to never leave us or forsake us
• seeing us through to the end of our race

God, I'm so much more thankful than I can ever say or express to you, but I know You see my heart and You can see all the things I think of but can't quite get out.

Thank you God.

Rebekah

Godmother

Today, I became a godmother. :) This is such an honor, and a scary experience for me too. I'm not a great Christian by any stretch of the imagination. Ask God; He'll tell you! He knows all my faults! My kids and hubby could give you a long list too. Or me, I can really tell you all about me.

But anyway, for some reason I don't really understand, Maria & Tim chose me to be Noah's godmother. I work with Maria; she's on leave right now to take care of little Noah. We both started at AJE in 2005. Noah is a miracle- a show of God's love and healing and proof that God uses doctors and medical advancements and knowledge to provide healing and health. Noah had open heart surgery three or four days after he was born for a major heart defect. He faced several more surgeries, and then the Dr.'s felt that the heart defect was too serious, so Noah went on a transplant list. Maria & Tim prepared for a long wait for a donor heart for their little man. But, God provided a heart when Noah was about two months old! Noah has been through many ups and downs and scary times & more than most of us ever experience in a whole lifetime!

Today, Noah's baptism was completed at his family's church, and I was part of that as his godmother. It was so moving to me to stand there with his parents and uncle and take that promise to help guide Noah in his faith and to help teach him to love God. I took that promise very seriously and hope that I will be a positive influence and a part of his life! I bought him a beginner's Bible with Bible stories and a Bible cover and a Noah's Ark board book. I'm really excited about being Noah's godmommy!!! I even have his Christmas gifts purchased and have already been thinking about his birthday in February. :) This is going to be fun to have another baby to spoil and love on!

God, thank you for giving Noah a new heart and helping him to grow healthier and stronger with the days, weeks, and months that have passed since his birth. Thank you for showing Yourself in Noah's life and for being with Maria & Tim and their families through these hard times. Be with them as they continue to help Noah stay healthy and grow. Continue to be with Noah's new heart and help it to continue to grow stronger and stay healthy and rejection-free. You spared Noah for Your purpose; help him to find you and love you and serve you all his days! And thank you for bringing me here to be a part of this miracle and to be able to pray for and with Maria and for Noah, and for allowing me this special honor! Help me to be a good godmom to Noah.

Busy, Busy Day

It's now midnight on Saturday/Sunday night. We've been busy all day, and I could keep going, but I know I need to start settling down for a good night's rest. :)

Next week is Thanksgiving. My parents and sister are coming to visit. Now, let me say- without my kids here to argue this point with me- we are not just cleaning because company is coming. :) Boy, am I getting paid back for saying that to my mom all my growing up years!!! We always do our housework on Saturdays- even though they seem to forget this when it's convenient; and usually every other Saturday or so is a more in depth cleaning. But as always with me, I've been sort of in the "move & rearrange" mode again- which my family HATES!!! We did some rearranging trying to continue what we started when we made a "computer room" in the front living room. We didn't have enough furniture for both a living room and a family room- only one couch and one chair purchased last year from a fellow teacher for $60. But, Rob didn't really like the room even though it was the practical thing to do, and it didn't really look nice. So we did some more rearranging of furniture today, and it looks a lot better! Plus we had to do this to find a place for my mom's cedar chest she is bringing me; a wonderful treasure to me. Boy, the memories I have of watching my momma pull out hand me downs and special mementos from that thing!!! Today's list of work included:

• the usual housework of dusting, vacuuming, picking up our clutter from the week
• Rob doing a lot of deep cleaning- which doesn't get done like it should with our hectic schedules!!!
• last minute grocery run- Save-a-Lot & Walmart were zoos!!!
• picking up my soon-to-be godson's gift (I'll blog about that tomorrow, needless to say I'm about to become a godmommy & I'm so honored and nervous and excited!!!)
• get some Christmas gifts and materials to make our gifts (thank God for a credit card!)- we will be exchanging gifts with my parents and sister while they're here since we can't go home for the holiday & to save us all on postage next month since none of us really have the extra funds for that
• a quick run to the mall to pick up Robert's last paycheck and to get a haircut
• Barbara had swim team practice today too

So now, it's late, and I have our gift for Noah ready, and we had to wrap our Operation Christmas Child boxes too to take to church tomorrow. Oh, and I got a haircut today- a drastic one! I'm back to short, short hair!!! Boy, will everyone at school be surprised on Monday, and Maria tomorrow, because no one in NC has seen me without medium to longer hair. It was a surprise when I cut off my curls this summer and went to medium length hair!

So I think I'll finally go shower off all this itchy, itchy hair and try to settle down now. I'm so nervous about tomorrow's baptism service for Noah! I sure hope Maria & Tim knew what they were doing when they chose me to be Noah's godmother! I'm such a mess of a person sometimes, but I know that I have prayed for that little guy, and I am so thankful he is here. I'll do my best to be an awesome godmom.

I'm also excited about seeing my family. I've been terribly missing home again- seems like a fall thing for me. I'm also dreading their leaving, knowing I'll be even more homesick when they're gone again. It hurts a lot being way out here without them to go visit & be here for the kids' things. But, at least this year, we'll see them again for Robert's graduation in seven months.

Okay, really now, I'm going to crash. I'll have to blog more later this week as I'll have lots of things to say and emotions to get out, I'm sure!

God, I'm so grateful and appreciative for all You have done for us. And thanks for providing the need I asked you about in Your way and Your time! Even though it's not all taken care of, I know You're watching and will continue to move and provide all that is needed in every life.

Can You Help My Friend?

That is the name of a song I remember from the '80's or so; I always liked that song.

Tonight, it is the prayer of my heart. I have a friend who is under an unbelievable load and has little to no support, from home, from work, from anywhere. There are two of us at school who are trying to be her good friends and help her out as much as we can. I don't know if we are very successful, if we can really make up for all the other stuff, or really what to do.

I know the attempts I have made, have caused more stress in some ways as other people don't like those of who help out. I know what I am trying to do is probably going to cause more heartburn for her & I, but oh well.

So, God please help my friend. You're the only who can.

Miracles

I have often heard my mom talk about the miracles she saw happen in her family. My grandmother instantly healed of a goiter condition after being given just a few months to live. My grandfather whose eye was healed from an accident that would have blinded him had it not been for God. And then, my own Momma, who was miraculously healed from what was probably polio.

I've often wondered about miracles. I've never witnessed any, that I am aware of- not the "instant" kind anyway. But I've also learned that God does what He knows is best and we can't always see His hand at work. Well, I know of two miracles, and I thought I should record them for myself to look back on and for anyone else who wants to read.

Noah- yesterday this little boy celebrated his 9 month birthday. His being alive is a miracle! God used medical technologies, doctors, nurses, and I'm sure his mom & dad could list a lot of other people who have worked and are working with Noah, but in the center of it all- God was with little Noah. I know from my own experiences with Matthew which weren't nearly as long and hard as what the Brooks have faced, that God was with my baby (physically) during his near death time after he was born. Well, I know that God was with Noah too. And yesterday, Noah turned nine months old!!!

Then today, my momma sent an email updating us on our Uncle Ralph's condition. Let me just "copy" my mom's email and put it here.

As you know, Ralph was diagnosed a few months ago with stage 4 lung cancer. We were all surprised as he had never smoked. Doctor said his lungs were full of tumors and the lining of the lung was pulling away from his rib cage. They put in a tube to drain the fluid and told him his lungs were about 3/4 full of fluid. Prognosis was he had six months to a year to live. Once during his chemo treatment he was hospitalized with blood clots. They had to stop giving him one of the chemo drugs because he had a terrible reaction to it.

Last week he finished treatment and had another scan. Yesterday the doctor told them HE IS IN COMPLETE REMISSION!!! There is no sign of cancer in his lungs today!!!! Minnie said the doctor showed them the first scan and then the last. The first scan was dark with tumors and the last scan is COMPLETELY CLEAR! Doctor said he was changing his prognosis from six months to a year to several more years!!!

God, thank you for working miracles in these lives and in the lives of their families. Thank you for healing and extending lives! Thank you for giving doctors, nurses, and others all the incredible knowledge we have. Thank you for the family that gave Noah life through donation of a heart, even though it cost them great pain. Thank you for the people who have been willing to be "guinea pigs" so that others could live as a result of gained knowledge.

Thanks God for life and for your miracles!

Tying a Knot in the Rope....

Lord,
It's me again. It's 10:50 P.M., and I'm no where near ready to put away the school work and head for bed, though I need to. I've had a sinus headache and ear problems for several days now, and the dizzy spells are starting back up as well as earaches and ringing in my ears.

I know You already know, so I'm just spilling my guts to You, Lord. I know within my heart and with everything that is in me, that I was meant to be a teacher. I know it because it comes so naturally to me, and You have blessed me with a special love and ability to talk to, work with, and teach little ones. You have gifted me to be able to work with families, and helped me be able to help them feel comfortable and encouraged- most of them. You have often given me favor with students, families, coworkers, and administrators.

But God, right now, I just don't care anymore, and don't want to step foot in my school ever again! I'm so sick of things and disgusted with myself and everything! I just want to stay home and not go back to school. The last three weeks, I've put my lesson planning off until later and later, and once again it's way too late to be sitting here printing off and finishing things. I just want to be a teacher and plan my lessons and do my thing. I don't want to be a grade level chair, and have to put together agendas for meetings, keep notes and turn them in. I don't want to have to try to "lead" and help our team work together when we can't all even get along and quit talking about each other and being ugly to others when they're not looking. I don't want to fill out surveys and contemplate my "math instruction" because the principal sent us a form because someone else is telling her to. I don't want to be told that I have to put up four or five "displays" and all this busy work because we are being visited/inspected/evaluated by a visiting school, especially when having all those displays up on my wall doesn't make me a good teacher, it just means I have stuff on my walls...

I'm tired of all this other stuff that comes with teaching, Father! I'm sick to death of people thinking that we can do all this stuff and still not have to take all this crap home with us and not work on it all night/weekend. I'm not working on school work like I used to- AT ALL, but then look where it gets me. My room is a wreck, and won't be up to snuff this week for all these visitors! My instruction this year is some of the best I've done, but I feel like everything else is sliding. Why can't we just be teachers and do that?

God, I'm done for tonight. I still have a newsletter to type and print; I need to print off my lesson plans and plans for Erin and Kristen and the things we all three will need this week. I have to make a list of the things I need to run for Erin for her classroom since she doesn't have a teacher. And that's another thing God. "Someone" is upset because I'm helping Erin and sending her my lessons so she can at least teach something. You can't even help people without upsetting others who should be helping also.

But, Father, I'm going to bed now. I've tried to take care of me more this year than ever before. I've tried to spend more time with my family and not work so much on the weekends as I have. I've tried to relax a bit more, but I feel so disorganized and slobbish. And I am torn between trying to knock myself out the next two days, but yet, I can't since I have to leave to pick Barbara and Robert up...

Lord, I know I've been talking to You a lot about school this past month. I'm really trying, Lord, really I am! I hope You can see how much I want to do right and how hard I am trying to please You. Why am I feeling like such a miserable failure? Why am I so disgusted with things? Why do I have to care so much? And, I'm confused Lord too. Cyndi strongly encouraged me to leave the county and go work for a private academy or daycare where she thinks I could make just as good $-wise, but I kind of doubt.... I don't want to quit teaching, Lord. But I want to stay in Your will most of all. If you have a change in plan for me, You'll have to slap me upside the head because I'm kind of dense most of the time Lord.

God, I do love You, and so want to please You. If you could look down and see where I am and somehow send me a sign that I'm doing right by You or show me what I am doing wrong if I am- well, Father, I'd really, really appreciate it! For now, I'm tying a knot on the end of the rope, and just hanging on.

Two Steps Forward...

You know how that saying goes- "Two steps forward, one step back." That' s how life is for a lot of us, and that saying certainly seems to describe our life.

It's true for our finances, for my current efforts at weight loss, for my health, and I'm sure for my view of myself, my relationship with God, and a lot of other stuff. I just keep telling myself that at least in the end it's still a step forward. And, for a lot of these things, it used the be a lot worse, and probably more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back, so at least now I'm going in the right direction. :)

I'm back to exercising some- working on getting back to my regular routine as I was in early September and back to being consistent and my distance/time back too. Tonight, Rob & Robert walked with me three loops around our block which is 1.8 miles. And since there are a couple hills in that route, Rob thinks it's "counts" for more than my old 2 mile walk at the Y. ??? Don't know, but at least I walked longer tonight. Got to get back to doing that and/or the Y again!

Now, if my attitude, checkbook, and feelings would get it together that would be great. But for now, I'm stepping forward and trying not to back step if I can help it.

So until I lose some more weight/inches, I'm your "Big Mama" Thomas :) (I know God has a sense of humor because He made me with one weird one!) :) :) :)

Morning Nothings- Just sitting here thinking

It's Sunday morning. Rob has just left for worship band practice; I hadn't blogged that I don't guess, but Rob has been on the worship team for a little while now. I'm sitting here using Rob's computer watching Matthew sleep on the couch. I didn' t know he had joined us during the night until I woke up early this morning and saw him. I like watching the kids sleep still. It's the only time I can still see "my babies" in them really. Of course, that's funny to say knowing that Matthew is now over 6' 2"! :)

We had dinner with one of the Smith H.S. teachers and her family last night. Mrs. Valleau (Cyndi to Rob & I) was Barbara's freshman English teacher. She is a Christian also, and at least for a while, Barbara really confided in her and she has been a big blessing to Barbara and to us! She was there for Barbara on a few occasions when she really needed someone to love her, listen to her, council her..... Barbara seems to have moved on a little, and I don't think she goes to Cyndi as much (I worry about that but that's another story for another time, perhaps), but she still thinks a lot of her. Anyway, we've had dinner with the Valleau's a couple times, and they're like us. They moved here from out of state, & don't really have any family here. Cyndi has expressed her struggles with homesickness too, and I know she has difficulties at school too from time to time, like me. Cyndi & Justin have a little boy, Ben, who will be 2 next month. He's so adorable!!!!!! We had a good time. Rob and Justin really have similar personalities and their sense of humor seems to run on the same course. Kind of scary, actually! :) They were sitting last night, quoting lines from Cosby, Monty Pythons, and who knows what else, both busting their guts laughing! Robert teased me because I played with Ben while the rest of them were talking "adult" talk about books and stuff. I told him that Ben was more on my level. :)

This was so nice, and I hope we can try to get together with them more often. See we have lots of "friends" if you call people who like you at work or church and people you talk to everyday who you can joke with and talk with. But, we don't really have any "friends" that we can do much with. And this was really so relaxing and fun!!!!!!!! Our lives are wonderful, and I cannot and am not complaining. We have such full & busy lives with the kids and with our work and we are always on the go taking someone somewhere or picking someone up.... But, we don't really have friends to socialize with or just "hang out" or go do something with. Rob and I really just have each other, and that's wonderful and okay too. But it would be so nice to have another couple to be friends with/to. Especially now that our own kids are almost grown up. We should start to try to have a life outside of them, at least I think I\we should. :)

Well, I'm now going to be late for church if I don't fly. Barbara & Matthew aren't even up yet. Of course, Robert has already left for his church. I know it's wrong, but many times on Sunday morning, I just wish I could stay in this chair or in my bed (when I could sleep in it) and relax, read, snooze, just stay in my jammies and be lazy. It's not that I don't love God, I am just really tired!

Well, Happy Sunday, world. And God, I'm coming; I'll be in Your house to worship You. Just got to get going here don't I? :)

A Need

God, there is a need right now that needs to be met. Will you please provide all that is needed in the situation and work in Your mighty way?

My Bed

Last night I slept in my bed. This may be no earth-shattering concept or announcement to everyone else, but having been unable to do that due to a back injury, and sleeping in a recliner since the end of September, it felt so good to climb into my bed without any pain and go to sleep. Aaaahhh.

Of course, I woke up early this morning, and I was hurting, but oh well.... It was nice for a while anyway!

Halloween

The kids were supposed to go with the youth group on Halloween to "trick or treat" for canned goods for the homeless shelter. While Rob was taking them there, I was feeling a bit melancholy watching all the kids go by in their costumes and remembering all the years we went with our kids and all the fun we had. I'm enjoying the kids more than I ever did, and my momma was right about the kids being a lot of fun as teens, but I was just missing my "little ones" a bit.

Then Rob came back home with the kids who had apparently missed the announcement to be there early (classic kid moment!). They came home with oreos & milk for a Thomas family tradition. It made me feel a lot better! They may be teens, but we still are a close family, and they still love their parents. :) :) :)

The Thomas tradition- for YEARS now, we have come home from trick-or-treating, had oreo cookies and made "grinch milk" or "pumpkin milk" with food coloring, and watched a Dr. Seuss video- "Grinch Night." I found this video when the kids were little, and it was a "scary" movie when they were little. :) Robert has specifically asked the last two years if we're still going to do our Halloween tradition. We were talking about it on Halloween night, and he was saying how important this was to him..... It made me feel so good. Rob whispered to me that maybe the kids would carry on this one with their families. This got me to thinking, and I made an announcement to all three kids. When they have their own families, we will have to have a set time that everyone ends their trick-or-treating and comes to Grandpa & Grandma's house for oreos & milk & Grinch Night. Now that would be really, really neat! I hope they will be close enough to do that!

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it?

Today was another day of me somehow torquing off some of my coworkers. I sent an email asking them when we could get together to discuss some things. Our day we had set aside has been not working out with other meetings and this Wednesday is a staff workday. I know everyone is going to be trying to get report cards done.... I honestly didn't mean anything but once again, I apparently was rude and ugly.

So, over the weekend I got a series of emails and then today another one from someone else. I just seem to hurt people's feelings, make them feel unwelcome, and I don't know what all. There were some ugly things said in the email today, and I'm so confused.

I am really upset because over the weekend & again this morning on my way to work I prayed and asked God to help me to keep a right attitude, protect my heart from being too sensitive, guard my mouth from being offensive or saying things I shouldn't. I have tried to just be quiet this year and mind my own business & stay out of the rumor mill after someone gossipped last year and a former coworker was hurt at me. This gets me in trouble. Then when I speak up, that backfires too.

I've emailed my boss and told her that I want out of the grade level position, but I doubt she will let me. I'm ready to tell her that I quit. And, though, I adore Kindergarten & my kids I've taught at AJE, I am thinking it's time I go to another school or another grade. I don't know. All I do know is that I have never had this much trouble getting along with anyone before. And, though there have been people I have worked with who didn't much like me/nor me like them, I've never had this much trouble working alongside someone in spite of it. Most people think I'm nice and friendly and considerate, but apparently I am rude and unkind and unfriendly to most of my grade level. And I don't even know it.

God, what am I doing wrong and why? How do I fix it? Because to be honest, now, my feelings are so raw, I am so paranoid about doing anything or saying anything to anyone, and I really am starting to not like people that I had once liked. I don't want that to happen. I want to like everyone in my building. Please change my heart, my mind, my attitude, my actions, words, and deeds to be pleasing to You and to mend this situation. If I need to just "eat crow" which I've tried to do by apologizing two million times, I'll do it again. I don't mind; I really don't have any pride to swallow, so it's not a problem. What do I do God?!?!?

Please rescue me from this mess, Lord. I know I don't deserve it, but You died for me and I am Your child. Please Father, will you help me to get through this situation? And if I've done wrong, please reveal it to me and forgive me. I keep asking You, but I just get more and more confused.
I want to run away Father. I want to hide and never go back. If it weren't for Kristen counting on me for student teaching, I'd just start looking for another job right now.

His Last Race

Robert is a cross country runner. He didn't always run. In fact when he was a little boy, he was kind of an awkward runner. Then in kindergarten, he started having a lot of leg pain; for a while I thought it was "growing pains" like I used to get because he was growing by leaps and bounds that year. At least I thought that until one morning when he woke up and couldn't even walk. I'll never forget that day; Robert was trying to get up and get dressed for school but he couldn't walk and it hurt so bad he was crying and sobbing. Rob and I had to carry him out of bed and out to the car to go to the dr. who referred him to a specialist in another town. They did all kinds of x-rays on him and told us he might have a degenerative hip disease; at the very least it was bursitis which is kind of unusual in an other-wise healthy 5 year old little boy. We all prayed, and he rested as much as little boy would. God healed him and though, he never was a really good runner, he was fine. Then in 6th grade he started voicing a slight interest in trying out for track or cross country. But Robert being who he is & was especially then, a bit shy and insecure sometimes, he wouldn't go out for it then. He ended up going out for cross country when he was in 8th grade. He's improved so much since then, and what's really ironic to Rob & I is that he has become a long distance runner & cyclist. He will now "gear up" and go on long, long runs and rides. He now subscribes (& pays for himself) "Runners" magazine, reads articles and books about running/cycling, watches videos, etc.... He is a health nut (sort of) and is into vitamins, what he eats, drinks, and all that. He is such a neat and interesting young man!

Today was the last race of the 2007-2008 high school cross country season. Though he won't be going to state championships, I couldn't be prouder of him!!! It hadn't occurred to me before, but it really hit me when we drove onto the field at the park today to find a parking place and I realized that this was it- his last race (at least like this). He has chosen his college, a local community college where he'll study & train to be an electrician. He won't be able to participate on a college level cross country team since they don't have anything like that. So this is the end of this part of his life. I've often been running and working my behind off to get to his meets and juggling my own work schedule and demands and the other two kids' schedules and Rob's to make things happen and work. I've often had to miss his events & traded off with Rob so that Rob could go and I picked up the other two. But, I've always tried to be there for as many of the things he did as I could. I have always been proud of him. And I always will. I love you Robert!

Meet Samson

Okay, I can't do anything without feeling guilty or worrying that someone in my family won't approve or will think it was silly or irresponsible or unnecessary....... Boy, am I messed up!!!! :)

But, for a variety of reasons, we have been thinking about getting a puppy, but we don't have $ to purchase a "breed-ed" one, so yesterday the kids and I ended up at the animal shelter here in our county and we came home with a one year old dog named Samson. It was cheaper to do that then purchase a puppy and this way, the dog is updated on his shots, spayed/neutered (I can never remember which is for a boy/girl), and all that jazz. Plus, we "rescued" an animal that would have been put down likely. I felt better about this way of getting a dog. He is very cute and playful. Dexter is learning to get along and share, and Samson is having to learn a few things about Dexter too.

So now we have two fish, two birds, & two dogs plus my school animals (two more goldfish & two hermit crabs). We would love to have cats, but they can't be inside pets and one of our neighbors would call the city on us if we had an outside cat. Somehow we have ended up a family of animal lovers!!! Stems from the kids mostly! Kids sure do influence us don't they?! :) Well, I love mine so that's all that matters!

Blue Ridge Beauty

We went away last weekend to get a break from the city and our work and all that stuff. Although I had hoped to see more color, it was still beautiful. I love the mountains!!! One of the kids broke my camera so I could take pictures but not tell if I was even aiming right or actually getting anything. Took several shots of this view and hoped it would take. Came home and put it together to make this panorama. I'm pleasantly surprised and thankful to God, as simple as this may be, that with a hurt back and a broken camera, I got this beautiful picture to remember our trip and that God made all the world and everything in it. I'm so thankful to have had a few opportunities to see the mountains and the ocean when I thought as a Midwest-bound person I never would.

Good night God and your beautiful world!
Rebekah :)

A Bundle of Emotions- Translation "A Basket Case"

Dear God,

Its' me again. The big mouth, big butt Rebekah. :) I know you have a sense of humor because you made me a nut- a "mess" as many of my coworkers, friends, and even my own Momma called me tonight :). I hope sometimes I make you laugh. I wish I could laugh tonight, but I can't. I sure could use Your help for myself and for some friends.

You know that someone at school caused a "ruckus" about student teaching arrangements and that Kristen was going to have to leave AJE to be able to student teach somewhere else. I thank You for intervening on Kristen's behalf to work out the problem there and for allowing her to stay with me and our kinderkids at AJE. I thank You for a prof that was willing to go to bat for Kristen and my other friend. Please intervene again on the other situation and help it to be worked out for the good of those who need it.

God, I am a bundle of about a million different emotions right now, and I am so tired it's just not funny!!!! I'm so grateful to You for working things out for Kristen! I would have hated for her to have to go through that process- switching schools midyear, getting acquainted with new kids/teachers/parents/school, having to say goodbye to her AJE kids & families. I would have hated it for our kids and families who have gotten used to Mrs. Lanier and who look up to her and love her. I would have hated it for me!

I'm angrier than I think I've been in a long, long time too, and You know all about that. I feel so hurt and betrayed and yet I have to go on and work with people and somehow rise above all this mess. How am I supposed to do that?

I am so disgusted with myself for getting mad at certain situations last week and replying via email. I feel like I didn't handle that situation the way I should have. I should have had a spine and confronted the issue or just let it all go and let people think what they will about me. They're going to anyway. I am so afraid I made things worse, though I honestly didn't mean to. I was hurt, caught off guard, surprised, mad, frustrated, and upset. I never can express myself the way I mean to or want to. My momma should have named me "Foot-in-mouth"!

All I want to do in life is be pleasing to You, God, to be a wonderful wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, and teacher. To be there for my family and help carry the burdens of my family, my students, and my friends. To be supportive of those around me and to be a good listener. To get along with everyone. These are honestly the things I try to do each day; I know I have a long way to go, but I do try. So why does it seem I keep messing things up? How is it most people think highly of me, but I've made such a mess with others?

God, I am really, truly sorry for not keeping my cool, for not thinking before I spoke via email, for saying/doing anything that didn't shine Your light in my world. Please help me to forgive and go on. Please help me to be more like You and less like me. And God, thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing Kristen to stay at AJE. Please fix the other situation that needs Your help. Please help me to let go of my "feelings" and see the bigger picture here. Help me to grow up some more in You.

Work Frustrations!

To my mother-in-law, momma, sister, friends, or anyone else who may read this, just a warning. This is just me venting to myself tonight. I am probably going to sound immature, childish, stupid, or any other # of descriptive words that are not very complimentary. I am sorry. I'm just really, really frustrated right now. We're taking a Saturday trip to the mountains to just "get away" from our work frustrations right now. I sure hope the peace & beauty of God's creation & His mountains will help soothe my hurt feelings and raw emotions.

Earlier this week, a coworker came into my room and over to me and asked me, "What's wrong with you? What's your problem?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Then yesterday a different coworker came into my room and closed the door behind her to tell me that "everyone" in K wanted to know "what was wrong with me...." Then came a list of ways I have been rude, unkind, unfriendly, cold, distant, etc. with certain members of our grade level. I heard a list of my wrongs, some of which were flat untrue such as that I had changed my "p.e." time to avoid being with another teacher, that I ate at the end of the table because I don't want to eat with them, that I am cold and unfriendly with them, that I joke and cut up and am friends with so & so and so & so, but then don't act the same with others.... Supposedly, the grade level feels I am depressed or down and "quite concerned" about me. There are some that feel I don't like them....

So, of course, me being who I am, I cried all the way home, questioned myself all night and all day today, am extremely embarrassed and self-conscious that I am the focus of attention and conversation for some, and angry that people have to discuss me like that instead of just coming to me and asking me directly. If "they" are so concerned, why didn't anyone act like a friend and just come talk to me. If someone is so upset that I don't like her, then why didn't she ever just come ask me what the problem was, especially when everyone says how I'm "such a nice, pretty, funny, friendly, sweet person..." Make me puke! But seriously if I am such a nice person, normally, then wouldn't it seem odd that I would just dislike someone or multiple persons for no reason. Wouldn't it be possible that in fact, I do like whomever and that there is something else at play. Then to know that others just jumped on the gossip mill and added to it. Not to mention that I have heard almost all of these people badmouth all the others at one time or another. And I don't just mean badmouth, I mean BAD mouth. And last spring, somebody told a big lie about me to my former assistant, which she believed, and then she was really upset, hurt, and mad at me.

So what did I do? Classic Rebekah move- send everyone an apology for being so ugly and rude and making people feel so uncomfortable around me. Then today, at lunch, someone got up and insisted that I sit in their chair with the rest of this "group" (not all our grade level feels this way, by the way, just this group). What could I do but sit there? I sure didn't want to and it's not because I don't like them (although I am upset right now). It's just that I don't like mind games and being manipulated. I sit in the same stupid spot I have always sat in for reasons I explained which I shouldn't have had to- I like to see my kids, I am claustrophobic and like to be on the end, and I am a FAT A*** and don't like to crowd people so I sit on the end so I can give people more room plus where I sit I can see my "old" kids as they come in to lunch. This is so JUNIOR HIGH it's not funny! I hated junior high and I sure don't want to act like a dumb kid when I'm in my upper 30's for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to inform these coworkers of this, but my world doesn't actually revolve around them. I actually don't sit and think about ways to snub them, and ways to "show them up" (as at least one of them thinks I do) and ways to be a snot to them. I actually don't think of them much at all. See, I have a life- I am a mom, wife, daughter, and teacher. I have enough to think about with all of that without adding diabolical plans to be mean to everyone I work with to my day. I'm not that mean! I have a husband I adore that I worry about and his concerns to think about. I have three great teenagers who have a lot on their schedules (which transfers to mine) and a lot to learn and who need parents who are there for them for their problems and trials and life lessons and future plans. I have two parents and a sister far away from me that I try to stay in touch with and who I worry about and who I can't be there for since I am far away from them. I have a classroom full of little ones depending on me to teach them, love them, and be a role model for plus parents and families who need me to be there for their kids plus a couple friends who are about to be student teachers and who are relying on me to help them whenever I can. I have new responsibilities I have never had before at work that I take seriously like being on the leadership team, being a mentor and being a "buddy teacher" for someone who is new to the U.S. and certainly the "N.C." way.

I am so frustrated right now that if it weren't for the $ my family needs, my two student-friends who are counting on me, and the former kids of mine that I really want to stay there for, I would just give my 30 days notice and go find another job. I'm seriously questioning my future at AJE.