Zoe and her Uncle Rob

Rob loves his niece- that's an understatement.  While we were home the first time to check on Rob's mom, my sister, Jessica, brought Zoe and Momma down to surprise Rob.  They played at the park for a few minutes before we went to the world's best pizza place- Roma's! Then when we went home a few days later to take care of Rob's mom's memorial we took a day and went up to see my family for a reprieve from the "stuff."  These are a few photos from Uncle Rob's time with the world's most adorable niece.

"Look Uncle Rob."

Rude, Uncle Rob!

She must have known her Uncle Rob needed love.

She did NOT like wearing Uncle Rob's hat!

"Here Uncle Rob, you have a drink."

"That's enough now!"

Playing with Uncle Rob on Grandma & Papa's floor.

"My Aunt Beka, what HUGE feet you have!"

My sister, Jessica, and Zoe waving bye to us as we go back

Daddy's Fishing Place

Our daddy used to go fishing a lot. He spent a lot of time in the Mississippi River, and I remember our family going to this place with him. I loved this place. Rob took me back there before we left Illinois so I could get some photos.



When I was a little girl, I used to play on the sandbar while Daddy fished and I would pretend that there was a princess locked away in these "castles" by an evil witch. :)

Low Water Dam- This is a really rocky area- goes all the way across the river- normally and has a lot of rapids, but there was a lot of rain while we were home and it was underwater a few days later when we returned with the camera.

Chain of Rocks Bridge- this old bridge was closed to traffic when I was very young.  Rob remembers it being open, but I was just a toddler then.  It is open for foot/bike traffic now, and we walked across to get some photos.

That's St. Louis in the background.

a log floating down the river- here in Central NC, there are no big rivers of any kind of size- was hoping my students could get an idea how big the river is with this picture

Goodbye Daddy.  Thanks for some good memories. :)

Where I Come From

Rob and I took a lot of photos when we were back in the St. Louis area.  I am sure it was the circumstances, but we were both reminiscing a lot about our childhoods and memories-good and bad.  A few of these photos were taken for my students who can't quite understand what it is like "where I am from."   I didn't honestly have time when we got back to do anything but try to get caught up and I didn't feel up to looking through my photos either, but am going to try to do so today. 

This is where I come from- the Midwest, home of the mighty Mississippi River, flat land, and cornfields as far as you can see.

Sunrise and fog as we leave Illinois to head back to NC

winter wheat fields

snow fence in front and a wind farm in the back (sorry for the dirty window picture)

flat land, farms as far as you can see



crossing the Mississippi River into St. Louis



Rob waving hello to my students. :)

me being silly :)

This is where the flood of '93 was measured.

flood walls and measuring tool

Watching a barge moving upriver before we left the landing.

Landscaping work in Progress (for Momma and Pop)

I know these are nothing spectacular to look at, but I promised my Momma I'd share some photos for her and Pop so they can see what we are up to.  So here goes.  Robert and I took out the dying boxwood bushes in front of our house; we have left the firebushes for now anyway.  We have replaced the bushes with some ornamental grasses, delphinium, coreopsis, shasta daisy, and English daisy and left the small blooming grass that was here up front between the little daisies.

 I wish my camera could catch the real shade of blue on this!  It is GORGEOUS- so much prettier then the camera/computer shows!

English Daisies- I love these too!

 Can't see the flowers much, but the house looks so different without those big bushes in front now!

I bought cheap brick-like stones to try to keep the yard out of the bed and the mulch out of the yard.  Hopefully I can add to this as we go.

 A side view

 The side of the house- these hostas came from Illinois with my parents one year when they came to visit us.  Pop dug them up from his flower beds.  They lived at our old rental home and when we bought our 1st home, Matthew and I dug them up again and brought them with us. :)  They are starting to really take off and get bigger now.

 Just loved these flower pots- and of course had to make them St. Louis Blues colors for Rob.  I love gerbera daisies and these also fit the Blues color theme, so voila. :)

Does God have a tomato garden?

I'm a weird person, I admit it freely.  If you don't know me you'll probably think this is really stupid or totally strange, and it probably is.  If you do know me, you will probably think this is weird too, but at least you'll already know I'm a bit off. :)   But for the past few years (sometime after we moved to NC), I've been saying goodbye to kids and telling them to look for me in God's tomato garden in heaven.  Don't even know where this idea came to me and can't remember which kid I started this with.   Weird, huh? :)

I should also tell you I really, truly love my school kids.  I had a lot of teachers growing up that were good teachers; several that really cared about kids, but only a few who "got through" to me, who really truly showed they cared a great deal about me. Only one that went beyond the school doors to show that he cared like that.  Weird as I am, I get attached to my kids and they do to me too. I don't know quite how or why this happens; I just know that I really do love my school kids. I love God first, my husband, children, parents, sister, brother-in-law, and niece. And right behind them, come my school kids- I really would die for them and spend a lot of time and money to show them I care.

Yesterday I said goodbye to another student :(, a dear, sweet little 2nd grade girl.  Her family is moving away to a neighboring county.  It was such a joy to be her teacher and watch her blossom this year!  She changed from a VERY painfully shy child to a child who let her classmates and teacher see the real her- a bubbly, happy, love-to-pick-on-her-teacher, devilish laugh, intelligent, creative, wonderful kid.  I loved being there to watch this transformation, loved having her company as a lunch buddy and special helper, enjoyed her sense of humor and wit, loved reading her writing and poetry and books, being the recipient of her notes and drawings.  Oh, I will miss this child in my life!

I tried really, really hard to not let myself tear up when the kids talked about her leaving all week.  I really HATE goodbyes and we've already had to say goodbye to two other kids this year.  Every (well most anyway) year, I seem to get this sense of family in my room, and when a kid leaves us it is hard on us all.  I knew this one would especially hurt and I wanted to be strong for my kids.  I've tried to talk to them a lot about how goodbyes are part of life and not an easy one but one we must learn to deal with.  They have watched me very recently deal with this and have asked me about it more since my mother-in-law just passed away.  My little girl, D, tried hard to not think about it too, I could tell.  When D grabbed me yesterday to hug me goodbye at the end of the day, she began to sob and I had to hide my face in her long hair so the kids wouldn't see my face.  She wouldn't let me go either so it was a really, really long hug. 

Public school teacher or not, I whispered in her ear, "You go to church, don't you?"  She nodded yes.  I knew she did from our conversations.  "You love Jesus, don't you?"  Another nod.  And next came a private conversation I've had now with several sobbing children over the last few years.  "Then this isn't goodbye kiddo.  We're going to see each other again because I do too.  Someday when you get to heaven, ask Jesus where his tomato garden is.  I'll be there working in His garden and eating His tomatoes  I'll be waiting for you there.  It will be our meeting place."  (Side note, my kids know I adore tomatoes.  They think it is one of the strange qualities of their teacher, and you'd be surprised how often it comes up that Mrs. Thomas likes tomatoes, seriously- don't know why but this fascinates them for some odd reason.)  This got her and I both grinning as we cried, and helped us both take the walk to the bus.  I promised her I would wave to her as her bus pulled out, and as I did, I wondered, "God do you have a tomato garden?  I hope so.  I would hate to disappoint all these kids I've told that to." 

So, God, I know I'm not much of a Christian.  I know I've got a lot of sin and failings.  I know it's not about me or what I've done or not done.  I know it's all about mercy.  I'm really, truly counting on that.  And God, if it's possible, could you please let me just be a simple tomato gardener in heaven?  I mean, I really do love tomatoes- You already know that. :)  But, God, I've got some kids to meet someday in heaven, and that is our designated meeting spot.  Sort of like a family reunion place for that crazy Mrs. Thomas and the kids who just happened to get placed in her care at some time or another. 

hanging on

We came home from STL two weeks ago.  Rob and I had to jump right back into work and our normal life things.  I was so exhausted and have just been telling myself, "One more day, just get through today..." for two weeks now.  I am a star member of Insomniacs Are Us, and have been tired, worn out, exhausted, whatever you want to call it many times, but I have never known this level of exhaustion.  Whether it is just really all a mental "in my head" thing, allergies, or my body just having enough, I started feeling really icky this week and by the time I got to yesterday afternoon I wasn't sure I was going to make it home.  Matthew wanted to take Rob and I to see Hunger Games last night so we went.  I really didn't feel like it, but wanted to do something with our "baby" while he wanted to do something with us still.  With Robert about to leave home, I am making sure I grab every moment we get with our kids.   I got really, really sick about halfway through the movie and almost didn't make the very short ride home.  I am just so thankful I have made it to the Easter break- oh, excuse me "Spring" break. :)  Now I can relax if I need to, and apparently I need to. :)

I am having some strange emotions from time to time too- ones I wouldn't have thought I'd have.  Twice now I've seen someone who looked like my m-i-l.  It bothered me, and I don't know why.  Then today we received a card from the State of Illinois offering her free transit rides on any of their public transit routes.  Stupid, I know, but it irritated and saddened me at the same time. No idea where those feelings come from.  I just wish things had been/were different.  I wish for what never was and never can be. 

Home at last- hopefully to stay for a while

I am keeping this short and sweet.  Rob and I just returned home from our 2nd trip to St. Louis.  I'm feeling pretty lost on what day it is, what time it is, or where I am.  So is Rob.  Guess driving about 4,000 miles back and forth across country in two weeks will do that.
Rob's mom had heart surgery on March 1st and had complications.  She stayed in ICU until she passed away last Saturday, March 17.  We left NC to go visit her for a few days, and as we were on our way back home to NC, she began to deteriorate even more.   Rob had to make a difficult decision last Saturday to let his mom go, and as the dr.'s turned off her life support and she slipped away to heaven, we turned around, loaded the car and took off for STL once again.

Last week was really rough, and though I'm glad that part is over and I wanted to see my kids, I didn't want to come home because that would mean this was all real.  Add to that, being out 8 days of school this month, and I'm feeling a little lost with school too.  I know it's real, and I know we will deal with it.  I just don't want to.   We have the cremation/memorial service behind us, her apartment emptied out, most of her financial things dealt with.  Now I just have to finish the money stuff, file the death certificate with her various insurance companies and utilities and creditors and write thank you notes.

Today was also the day my daddy went to heaven 30 years ago.  I miss him more the last two years or so than I did when I was younger- weird I guess, but it's true.

Think I'll take my tired, worn out self to put on some jammies now and try to sleep.  Night world. 

love the ones you're with

I haven't written anything in quite a while.  I've been swamped with work (teaching two grades is a lot of work, just so you know) :).  I've had more issues with my stupid ankle and what appeared to be a gall bladder attack.  Between those I've spent more time in a dr.'s office then I care to say. :) 

And mostly, I have just felt quieter of late.  Nothing important to share, no deep thoughts (Sis, I went back to the shallow end to splash and play). :)

My mother-in-law died this past weekend, and the past two weeks have just been hard.  That's the short version.  I don't feel like the long version today.  This experience is definitely teaching me a lot- not sure where I'll file all this new knowledge though- probably in the "this stinks" file.

I've always felt like I am too "clingy" with the ones I love, and I probably bug them to death with all my "I love you's" and talking too much, and I know my kids probably wish I didn't hug them so much.  I don't mean to be a pain, it's just that I learned very young that no one is guaranteed tomorrow.  When my daddy died, I was 11 and I found out that you can't always say goodbye or tell someone one last time, "I love you."  Now I see that even when you do get to say goodbye or I love you, you still wish you could say more.

So family, I'm sorry, but you're stuck with this clingy, hugging, big mouthed, "I love you" ten million times person.  Because when my time comes, I want you to KNOW in your heart that I loved you, that I was proud of you, that I thought more of you than I could ever say, that I will always love you, that you were important to me, and that I will not forget you in heaven.  I don't want to get to heaven with regrets, and I don't want you to have any either.

I know they won't all see this, but I am saying it here anyway.  Rob, Robert, Barbara, Matthew, Momma-mine, Pop, Daddy (though you're in heaven, still), Jessica, Scott, and Zoe- I LOVE YOU.

Hug your family today and tell them you love them. 

Goodbye

I have been a part of your life for 24 years, and for most of that I have felt like an outsider around you.  I grew used to it and wished it were otherwise, but tried to make the best of it.  I wanted to have a good relationship with you, but my efforts never seemed to reap any results. I have shed so many tears over this, and spent countless hours feeling guilty about the situation. 

Now you're gone.  I am going through your belongings and personal things.  I see little things that make me wonder- Did you like me after all?  I found the posts from my blog that you had printed off and had with your Bible study things.  Oh, how that has made me cry these last few hours.  We found the photo of B in  your firebox, and I wish you would have let her know she meant more to you than she knew.

I see how bad your health was and how limited your abilities were these last few months, and I wish you would have told Rob and me.  I don't know what we could have done from NC, but we should have known.  I'm so thankful now that we came at Christmas. 

You had a hard life I know, and I would have liked to have been closer to you.  The kids and I would have brought you much joy and laughter if you'd have let us in more.  I am saddened for you that you didn't because you missed out on something good, especially with the kids.  I am saddened that you didn't have a better relationship with Rob.  He is a wonderful man- one that you would be proud of.  He's been my best friend since we started dating.  He's stuck with me and never left me or been unfaithful to me even through so many hard times.  He's a terrific dad!  He is a compassionate, gifted teacher; I wish you could have seen him or talked with him about his daily life as a teacher. 

I know you are at peace today, having a wonderful time in heaven.  I can see from your things that following God was important to you.  I'm so proud to see all the Bible study things you printed off, the things that show how involved in your church you were while you were able-bodied and knowing how even when you became more limited in mobility, you kept involved in a Bible study group.  I am hearing all these wonderful things about you from your neighbors and friends, and I am glad you brought joy to others around you.

I hope that somehow in heaven you can know that Rob loves you, that I do too.  I'm sorry that I wasn't a better daughter-in-law.  I hope you will be able to watch your son as he grows older and that you will see the good he does for God.  I hope you will know about your grandkids as they continue to grow and mature and begin their own adult lives.

I hope you know that I did care.

Goodbye.
Rebekah

Prayers

Please pray for my mother-in-law.  She's been having health problems and is not feeling well.  She spent about a week in the hospital earlier this month and has had just about every test known to man run it seems with more to come.  Thank you!

Other stuff for tonight:

• Two days of half day "data meetings"-I don't like to attend meetings that leave me feeling "Ugghhh."  Teaching children- I LOVE! :) The education system leaves me just tired and disgusted. :(
• Went back to the ortho doc today.  I'm on medicine now to heal up the inflammation/infection in my ankle and have been put back in the ugly, uncomfortable brace to immobilize my ankle.  If it's not better in three weeks, I'll be getting cortisone shots and maybe an even prettier walking cast/boot.
• Three more hours and we will have made it to payday.  Is it bad that I am counting hours until payday? :)
• One of my second graders brought me a pint of grape tomatoes today- her parents let her buy it for me because she knows I love tomatoes.  :)  Cute, sweet, funny. :)  I do so love my kids!!!!  
• My kids have had a little trouble completing their work the past couple weeks with the "testing" phase going on in our room.  I told them they couldn't pick on me anymore until they started getting their work completed- a real motivator for some of them.  We have a mutual pick-on-each-other thing in my room. :)  They LOVE to pick on me- punch buggies, calling me "Rebekah" (they think that's just awesome), sticking their tongues out at me, "stealing" my lunch bag or cell phone or other stuff. :)  Today one of them said, "Oh yeah, we can't pick on you yet.  I'm GOING to get my work done this week so I can pick on you again!" :) :) :)  Too funny!

Well, I'm off to pack up for tomorrow and try to be crashing by 10 PM for a change. :) Night world!

Hope the week is good to you wherever you are!  Praying for many of you!

Rebekah :)