Blah!

I'm just not very happy tonight. I just wish I had the money to move to the mountains and stay to myself.

My New Nighttime Pal

Okay, for Momma who asked me to take a picture, here you go. I'm no beauty I know, and the picture quality isn't too good, but you'll get the idea. For those who don't know it, I was diagnosed with OSA (obstructive sleep apnea), and this is a CPAP machine and mask to help me breathe all night long like a person is supposed to. CPAP stands for Constant Positive Airway Pressure.

Okay, now for the ugly part, here is me with my mask all strapped on. I'm learning how to adjust it and get used to it. I still have a red welt/bruise on my nose from the first night with it where I had it on way too tight.

Thanks Momma for praying for me and about the insurance issues we had with this. With God's help I'm going to really start feeling better very quickly; I already do feel better! :)

Well, good night all. Sweet dreams for you and hopefully for me.

Rebekah :)

donorschoose.org

I just made my first proposal (kind of like a mini-grant)! I'm waiting to hear from donorschoose and hopefully in a week or so my proposal will be up and taking donations!!! If it gets fully funded, I will be starting the homework backpacks I've thought of making for years but never had the money for! I've already started making my own materials to go with the ones I've asked for, and will be looking for more books & items I can find/make/buy to make more.

This is really neat! I may have taught for a long time now, but I'm still learning too. Cool!

----------------------------------UPDATE--------------------------------

My proposal was accepted, and is now "live!" YEAH! Click on the title to go see it! :)
Hands-On Homework Bags-I

I Am Scared But Trying Hard to Please You God

In just a few minutes I am leaving for the MRI test I have to go through to rule out some problem I may or, more likely, may not have. To say I don't want to go is an understatement of HUGE proportions!!!!!!!!

The dr. gave me the (at this point especially) much cherished "happy" pills, and I will be taking the first one shortly. I am just nervous, what if they don't help me relax, what if I am still quite aware of the machine's closeness to my big, massive, obese self, what if I can't stay still in the tube, what if it takes forever, what if I can't handle it, what if I get stuck (silly I know, but seriously)...

God,

I know I am so very undeserving of even asking any favors, and I so feel like I cannot ask You for anything for myself. I don't have that feeling when I pray for others, but don't like to pray for me. But, I also know You have taken care of me even when I couldn't see it, and I know You are with me now, even if I feel so very undeserving or if I don't understand Your plan. I also know that sometimes Your plan includes pain or suffering or hard times or hurt so that we can minister to another person in our journey. I'm ready for that, I want that, and I'm not afraid of a diagnosis, I just want to make it through this test and know what's up.

So Father, would You please calm my racing heart, my fears and insecurities? Would You walk with me through this test? Would You please stay beside me in the MRI machine where my husband can't go to comfort me and hold my hand? (I know it will be a tight fit with You and me both in there, :) but I know You're skinnier than me. :) Come on God, You know You are laughing at me, Your silly child!) Would You please help me not flip out from the fear of this extremely tight space? Would You just let me rest in You and, literally, rest and just sleep through it all? And most of all God, would You in Your wisdom and love please let there be an answer in this test, even if it is a disease or a label, Lord, I'd really, honestly, rather have that than a bunch of $ and tests and still no answer as to the problems I'm having. Because I know You can heal me of a disease or a name or You will help me live with it if that is what You want. Most of all, I just want to know what's causing me to feel so bad, You heal me of it or provide me with a way to live and deal with it, and hopefully I will let You shine through me in it all. Please God, let me get this one right. Let me please You.

With much love,
Your goofy child, Rebekah

Listening

I'm in a week long training for mentors, and today one of the trainers read us this piece on listening. It says a lot of what I feel sometimes about people I've confided in, friends, family, and I know it is something I need to remember when others are talking to me. So I hope that I have become and will continue to become a better listener. For those who might read this and know me, I apologize for times when I wasn't so good at listening to you.

On Listening (an excerpt by Ralph Roughton, M.D.)

When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen; not talk or do- just hear me. I can do for myself. I'm not helpless, maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and feeling of inadequacy. But when you accept as fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious, and I don't need advice.

Our Graduate

Well, graduation was wonderful (mostly), and we were all so very, very proud of Robert!!! The day was busy but great (I didn't know my house would hold so many people), and I think he had a nice weekend with his family and youth group and friends. I would have posted photos sooner but didn't want to spend the time our family was here sitting on the computer, so I waited.

Robert played with the band for his last time. Here he is (far right) getting a picture with his band teacher, Mr. Butler, and the other senior band members.

My shot of him getting his handshake and diploma turned out lousy, but this one I like. He was walking back to his seat.

Robert, the new high school graduate!

My three kids!

:)

It still doesn't seem like it's real (that's how it's been everytime) but in about an hour, my momma, pop, and sister will pull into my driveway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I left work early a bit to get the kids and do last minute chores and such and finish my report cards. I'm going to go do the printing of those now so I can try to have that done before they get here! I'm so happy they're here, even though my head is spinning and I feel lousy. I need a momma right now to love on me and be here with me for graduation.

THANKS GOD for allowing them to be here!

This afternoon while wrapping up our day in class with my kinderkids, I realized that today was Robert's last day of high school. Bad mom me, I meant to make a big deal with him this morning and tell him mushy stuff and all that. (Robert's probably thinking, "Yeah, saved by the forgetful mom.") Originally I had thought Rob & I could get up way early and take him out for breakfast; yeah, that didn't happen either.

So I made sure I was there for him when school got out, and instead of breakfast I let him choose what kind of after school treat he wanted. We ended up at Starbucks later (after a few sidetracks- that's another Oprah!).

So, no more high school for Robert. He has grad practice on Thursday morning and a breakfast after and then he's done. Tomorrow he's going to my school to help and hang out. It will be his first day as an "official" volunteer- complete with signing in in the office and wearing a volunteer tag.

So begins the next stage of my motherhood- having an adult child. I can't think of a better way to start this leg of the road, and what an honor that Robert wants to spend his first day out of school with me at my work!!!! He'll never know how much this means to me!!!!!!!

Thanks God for, well, everything!

It's almost here

This time next weekend, I will be cleaning up from Robert's graduation party! I am sure I will be exhausted and quite happy. My momma and pop, and sister too, will be here. I will have seen my first child graduate from high school. I will have served home-made lasagna and all the other requisites of a lasagna dinner to 30-50 people.

It's going to be a BUSY week! Today we are busy getting the house ready, buying food for ourselves, for our company, and for the party, plus Matthew and I did our decorations shopping too. On Friday, I'm taking a personal day to visit with my family, get all that food ready to go, decorate, and somehow in all that, I'm going to try to squeeze in a quick trip to the strawberry patch to meet my class on their last field trip. (I sure hate to miss a field trip, but my kid and family are more important).

I still have to pick up and put away a bunch of school stuff that's been piling up, update and balance my checkbook, and pay all my bills too tonight. Plus, I've got all that assessment stuff to record, enter online, document.... and report cards to do this week too. (Yeah, and think, I only teach K!) My list of things that have to get done in this week at work is overwhelming too, and I know I am going to have to make some choices this week about what I can and can't do. I'm learning that I just can't do everything that I want to, and though I hate not being the best and perfect at what I do, I'm slowly learning to accept that I can't be perfect, just the best I can be. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I do not know how I will ever get it all done, so I better get going. I still have a second job which hasn't been getting any hours from me either. YIKES!!!!!!!! I'm just not as good at that as Rob is, but that's another thing I've learned to accept- I cannot be as good as Rob or my mom in many things no matter how hard I try. I am not trying too hard anymore, just learning to be me.

Okay, I'm leaving this rambling thought process now as I have to get going on this list of things.

Graduation is coming! Graduation is coming! Graduation is coming!!!

Senior Awards Night

Getting ready to go- "Is this tie too long?

My handsome soon-to-be-high-school-graduate

Robert and Miss Junior Marshall (yeah, she's only a LITTLE excited about this!)

Graduation is almost here! I better go buy a BIG box of tissue!!!!!!!!!!!

Lovely Lambs Ear

Barbara says I have a love affair with this plant, but I do really love it. It is up there on my list of favorites. Its leaves are SO SO SO soft!!!! I had planted three last year, and this year they're blooming!!! I didn't even know they bloomed!!!!!!! I think they are so pretty, and I do love them! Here are some shots of my lambs ear from near the carport. I bought several more to put in the backyard this spring, so next year the backyard should be full of them too!!!

Very tiny blooms up close

Can you see how soft they are from this photo? OOOOhhhh!!!!

Another Day to Remember for Barbara

Today Barbara was inducted into the National Honor Society! Rob & I were both able to leave work early enough to be there for her. I teasingly told her that if she was honored for anything else I didn't care- I wasn't leaving work. :) :) :) She did have an awards program this morning, but I couldn't do both.

Here are some photos of both of my NHS students! I love my kids, and I am so proud of them!!!

And with Ms. Weinkle, one of their teachers and the NHS advisor.

Fish Funeral

Today at school I helped the children have a fish funeral. It was probably a little silly looking to any other adult, but it was sweet.

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Off to the Hospital I Go

I'm off to Wake University/Baptist Hospital for my second night. :( I miss my family, and HATE being away from them. I'm supposed to sleep and rest, but will not do either very well without my family near me. Oh well, I'll make it.

I just feel really lousy again, can't miss work, and don't want to go. Waaaaaa....

Okay, shower time and leaving.

Barbara's Special Day

Barbara was inducted into the National Beta Club last week. This honor was the result of her good grades and the recommendation of a teacher. Rob and I were both able to get away from our schools to be there for her. It was a nice time to show her our support and be a proud dad & mom.

This is Barbara and our "adopted son" Dunamis. :)

Barbara and her "peeps."

A Wish Rewritten

I recently received a forward that contained this message in it:

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.

Though it's nice, it made me think about what I would really wish for someone, a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, a family member, someone I love deeply. Though I am among the top of the list when it comes to enjoying, and some days craving, an easy day with everything in its place and life running smoothly, are these the truly important things I would really want to wish for myself or someone else? And are these little things really miracles?

So I think I'll rewrite this wish:

• A bird's gentle, sweet song to wake you.
• A beautiful sunrise on your way to work that helps you reflect on the Maker and His beauty.
• An opportunity to smile at a stranger or to tell them "Good morning," and see them smile back.
• Seeing someone in need and being thankful for the food in your pantry, the clothes on your back, the roof over your head, & the job that provides you money for all those needs (and maybe even the joy of knowing you fed someone who would have gone without supper otherwise).
• A song in your heart to lighten your load.
• Wisdom to deal with all life's hassles- from the lost keys to the unbalanced checkbook and unpaid bills, the arguing kids and the looming deadlines.
• Peace in the storm & in Him who can keep you safe in His arms.

The Future

Something has been "suggested" to me now several times, but today it became a bit more of a possibility. I don't want to say more here yet, but likely will as God reveals my future to me. But I sure want God to show Himself to me, reveal His will and the path He wants me to take and the plans He has for my future.

God, show me Your way, and guide me in Your paths.

So Tired

I have never been so tired in my whole life.

Thankful for Being a Mom

I am so very thankful, beyond the words I can write here, to be a mom. Our kids mean more to me with each passing year. They have taught me a great deal about God's love, about life, about being a mom, about love and acceptance, about joy and happiness. I never knew I could love so deeply until I became a mom, and I never knew I could love so deeply until the years started passing me by and they've become almost grown. That love I felt when I felt my children move inside me or when they were handed to me after they were born has only grown each year; I had no idea how much I would love these children.

I enjoy being home with my family more than anything, more than any place I could visit, more than any other activity I could do. No one else fills me with more pride and joy. It has been a thrill to watch them grow and learn and experience life, and though I am feeling some small bit of sadness to know I soon have to let them go, I am thrilled to watch them grow and become the young adults they are. I look forward to the future and seeing them graduate, finish college, start their life's work and ministries, date, marry, and begin families of their own.

I know my time with my children at home is drawing to a close, and though I will hate to see it end, I know the next stage of my life as mom will be a wonderful and joyful one.

Thank You God for allowing me to be a mom. Thank you for all the little moments I've had to enjoy: the little handfuls of flowers, the cards and pictures and creations I've received, the snuggles and the night-time "company" we sometimes had, the laughter, and yes, the times of pain and worry and stress, the many, many memories and stories I have to remember our time. Thank You for teaching me about Your love through mother-hood; there has been no other method in my life that has helped me understand You and Your love more than being a mom. Thank You for it all, Father.

A Gift

I must have a gift for upsetting people. In the past three weeks I've had three people unload a lot of anger, frustration, hurt at me, and I continue to never know if I will upset or offend those I work with or not on a daily basis.

I've decided that I must have a knack, a gift, or special talent for upsetting people. The thing that bothers me most is that I haven't tried to hurt people, didn't intend to, deliberately or sneakily try to say or do anything, and wasn't even aware that what I had said or done did offend until I got nasty emails, voice mails, or told off in person or behind my back and within earshot. Maybe I've got some subconscious thing going on where I really am an ugly person who means to be hurtful and mean.

Yesterday was my final straw- I left the cafeteria in the middle of setting up for our Mothers' Day Tea and went to do my paperwork to take leave. Stuck it in my boss's hand and told her "I've had enough for one week. I've been sent an ugly email and just yelled at all before 7:15. I'm done for this week. I'm going home." And I did take a half day and went home to be me and a mom for Barbara.

I must be a real witch just hiding behind my pretend smile and kind face. I am really going to re-evaluate the person I am because I'm tired of people telling me off via email and tired of being told how ugly a person I really am.

Yeah, it's back to that Momma. I don't like me again, and to be honest, right now, I don't like people (in the adult form at least). I'm tired of everything!