Love Is Not a Noun

I was listening to a song on the radio on my way home the other day (don't ask me which one as my middle-aged brain can't remember now!), but it was about love... I had a "moment" of smartness- write it down- it won't happen again for a while. Sis, this borders on deep for me probably, so I hope you're impressed if you read. ;)

Ready? Drum roll please..... tadum, tadum, tadum, tadum...............

So here it is- real love- the kind that lasts and sticks throughout life- is not a noun, it is a verb. People are always talking about "falling in love," in songs, poetry, on t.v., in real life... That kind of love is a noun. It's more about the good feelings that person gives us, being with them makes us feel, joy, happiness, good- all wonderful things. It's more about you and how you feel, it's a state of being (a noun) like happiness or misery.

But real love, the kind that lasts a lifetime (whether in a marriage or in a family or just in friendships) is a verb. Sometimes you have to "love" people through your actions even when your feelings don't match it, your will doesn't want to. That is true love- the kind that sticks with your husband even when you don't feel the mushy-gushy feelings anymore, the kind that does good for people even when you don't want to because you're angry at them or they might not "deserve" it... Love is not based on feelings. Jesus proved this- He loved us so much, He laid down his life. I'm sure His feelings were terror, fear, anger at having to make such a big sacrifice for people who wouldn't even appreciate or accept His gift, worry, sorrow, sadness... But, in the end, He did love us (verb) in the ultimate way. He wasn't just "in love" with us- thank God. That kind of love might have lasted a short time- especially with me! :)

I have such struggles with this, and am, actually dealing with this right now with somethings. I feel like a horrible person, a rotten sinner, and a hypocrite when my feelings (nouns) don't match what my actions do (verbs), or when I don't "feel" the love (noun). I am going to have to try to remember that my feelings are just something I can't control- they come & go and really depend on my sleep (or lack of) & what other stresses are going on at the time, and they don't condemn me to the pits of hell. It's just what I do with those feelings. I will choose to love, even if I don't feel it yet. I know I will.

Grrrrrrr.....

Hey God,

It's me, the crazy child of yours, who is also just grouchy today. I don't know why except that I'm just tired and didn't get to sleep in this morning, but that's no good reason at all. I am sorry to say that I've just been irritable, irritated over stupid things that I have no business being irritated about, and I'm very sure, irritating to the four kids in my house today.

I should be happy about some things. I should be relieved that some things were taken care of today without me having to make it be. I should be, really should be, but I'm not. I find myself just gripey, and oh, how I hate when I get like that.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, Father, I don't want to be like this. Please will you help me? I really could use Your love, patience, joy, strength... before I blow up at someone for something really ridiculous and look like the total pyscho I feel right now.

Your crazy daughter, Rebekah :)

Letters to the Teacher

Yesterday my students wrote me letters after I left to go the dr. with my back problem. I am sitting here tonight with this stack of letters and crying "happy tears" as I have always called them to explain them to my own children years ago, and now my students. I'm such a cryer- sometimes it really bothers me that God made me this way, but it is just who I am. Try as I have, it is a trait I am learning to accept as truly, God's quirk in me. :)

These letters are truly sweet. They express such love to me, and I can see bits of me in them-
things I have taught them. I hope they carry these lessons and this bit of me I've given them forever.

One little girl wrote to me that I was her favorite teacher in the world even when I was mad. :) I told them over & over that I love them no matter what- bad behavior, wise or not-so-wise choices, good days, bad days, cranky days, no matter what and for always- because I see the person inside them. A small bit of the unconditional love I hope they come to know and understand someday, somehow.

I am always amazed at how prettily they draw me. I am not a pretty to look at person; yet when they draw me I seem almost pretty through their eyes. Then I realize once again, that we have talked about this idea many, many times this year. The idea that beauty is not how we look on the outside, but who we are on the inside. I've taught them that it is more important how nice you are to others, how you help others, how you treat people, than what you wear, how your hair is fixed, what kind of clothes or backpack you have, or any of that other stuff. So, when they draw me, maybe they are drawing the person I try to be so hard on the inside. Maybe they are drawing that big ol' well of love I have for them and try to show every single day I'm with them. I think kids can see through us adults better than we would ever want to admit. I hope what they see in me is what it ought to be.

Then, there is the little boy who is so very far behind his classmates. I'm truly worried about him, but in this stack of letters is a picture of his. And when I saw his name I didn't believe it was his work. He drew his first actual stick person EVER and it is clear, and he dictated a sentence to Elba- "Mrs. Thomas and I playing together." OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!! What a breakthrough of huge proportions!!!!! You just will never know how much this means to me or how big a deal this is!!!!

So, truly I am very blessed- bad back and all!

Thank you God for this calling You gave me to be a public school teacher. Thank You for a bunch of little people who love me this much. Thank You for this reminder of Your love- your unconditional love- shown to me through the eyes, hands, mouths, and lives of a group of very special children!

If My Life Were a Soap Opera, The Show Would Be Cancelled

Whew! I am so thankful for a peaceful evening in/at my home. There haven't been so many of those lately, and it's been hard- really hard.

Just total craziness in trying to juggle the schedules of Rob & his three jobs total plus Robert & his two jobs and his college classes and the schedules of three high school students plus my own job somewhere in there... Plus parenting issues, some issues and tension between people at home and added to work stresses for Rob & I both, not enough sleep- well it's just been rough.

I've been praying for peace in the house, and I am so thankful that God answered- just in time. At least until the next "day of our life..." ;) Ha Ha Ha!!!! I joke, but lately with all the drama, I have felt like a soap opera or a reality t.v. show. :)

The last week has seen a change in work situation as Rob found out his position has been cut. He will have a job somewhere, but at the moment all we know is he is going to be going through the interview for a new job deal and at some point in the near future moving jobs/schools/positions. :( I HATE this for him. Change is hard on him (as I know it is many people), and he had just finally begun to relax again after the trauma he/we had in GCS. That was really hard on him, and it has really, truly taken some time for him to be okay. Now he will have to start over, get to know people & people know him, learn a new school.... Well, I know it could be so much worse, so I don't want to complain. I also know they say he'll have a job, but until he actually does, well- I'll just feel better when it's a done deal. For right now, we're very much in limbo.

Oh, and my back has become a BIG issue again. I can hardly walk and am in a lot of pain. Been interesting trying to be a teacher, get up & down throughout the day, do playground with my kids, let alone walk to the office, lunch room and bus lot and then come home and cook and do my household duties.

I keep remembering that God is with us in all things, and that song my momma used to sing after my daddy died- "He didn't bring us this far, to leave us. He didn't teach us to swim just to let us drown." So I know God is here, and He is greater than job problems, stresses at work, $ or the lack of, back problems or any other health situation, and bigger than any problem your family can throw at you. After all God was the Father of Jesus- how interesting that must be. :)

So, I know it will all work out for good, and I'm hanging onto the end of the rope and trusting in my Maker. Now, God, what are we going to name my soap opera life? :) Ha Ha

Night for now. Time for me to take some muscle relaxant and go off to la-la land. By the way, did I ever tell you one of my old bosses asked me if I lived in "la-la land?" She was so kind and gracious -NOT!- she did this in front of all the staff at a program wide staff meeting complete with everyone that worked in the HeadStart/PreK program. Just thought of that. Okay, this ADHD moment was sponsored by------ me!

Night! ;)

Rebekah :)

The Seasons of Your Life

Saw this today in something a cousin emailed...

Don't judge your whole life based on one season. If you give up in your winter, you'll miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, and the fulfillment of your fall.

Barbara's Senior Prom

It's been a pretty rough day for me as a mom - real, adopted, or whatever else I may be to the people who live with me. I love my kids- all of them 3+1. I wish they knew how much, but I know they will understand me better when they are older.

Tonight is Prom night. Barbara's first and only prom. She asked Treshawn, a friend from the swim team, to go with her. The above picture is the group that went together, Barbara's friends- Dunamis, Britney, Shaleesa, Treshawn, Barbara, & Rita.

What God Won't Ask

A coworker sent me this in an email today. It is another forward, but so true, and I needed the reminder of what is really important in life.

15 Things God Won't Ask

Author unknown

• God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, but will ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
• God won’t ask the square footage of your house, but will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
• God won’t ask about the fancy clothes you had in your closet, but will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.
• God won’t ask about your social status, but will ask what kind of class you displayed.
• God won’t ask how many material possessions you had, but will ask if they dictated your life.
• God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.
• God won’t ask how much overtime you worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.
• God won’t ask how many promotions you received, but will ask how you promoted others.
• God won’t ask what your job title was, but will ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
• God won’t ask what you did to help yourself, but will ask what you did to help others.
• God won’t ask how many friends you had, but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.
• God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights, but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.
• God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, but will ask how you treated your neighbors.
• God won’t ask about the color of your skin, but will ask about the content of your character.
• God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but will ask how many times they didn’t.

Makes me think of a Brandon Heath song I LOVE- it is my theme song in my life that I try to live by- "Give me your eyes for just one second. Give me your eyes so I can see. Everything that I keep missing. Give me your love for humanity...."

the world the way it should be

Yesterday I saw a picture of how I think the world should be, a world that would be filled with more peace and less war, more joy and less anger, more love and less of all the things that fill hearts with hurt, anger, despondence...

Picture the scene...

A playground with children- smiling, running, playing, pretending, happy children. Picture a little boy picking flowers until his hands are full of small yellow blossoms and then running around the playground giving his flowers to all the girls in class. He tells many, including his teacher, "It's girl flower day. My dad said it's flower girl day!" Picture some of the girls running over to show their teacher what the little boy had done and see their smiles of happiness from this kindness.

Then I saw the most beautiful picture of friendship and kindness that I think I might have ever seen in fifteen years of teaching. One child, took the flowers offered her, patted the boy's hand kindly and thanked him for her gift. She took time to look at the flowers, smile, and share her joy with him personally, simply, sweetly and with such true friendship.

Let me add to this that the little boy is, well... special. I don't mean that as a put down. He is truly a special child. I believe time will provide a "label" of some kind- I have my suspicions and have been trying all year to get someone to see the signs I see without any help, support for the child or any interventions. My students see the difference between themselves and the little boy, but they are so kind and gentle to him. Never, not even once, have I ever seen or heard them make fun of this child, express anger at him, or be unkind to him. They help him daily, ignore the things that can be annoying, and cheer for even his smallest success like it was the world's biggest accomplishment. My class has made me cry more than once this year when they cheered for this little one printing a very weak, but legible copy of his first name, the first time he put his coat on by himself, the first time he opened his own milk or built something with blocks. They often bring him to me to show me some new thing he has learned and are more excited than even I am!

Each year I work very hard to create a "family" atmosphere in my room, a place where we all work together, cheer each other on, believe in each other, and in the end develop a close, friendly-kind of love for one another. I want my room to be a safe place where all are accepted- good, bad, pretty, ugly, "smart" or seemingly not- where each person is able to grow and become more than what they were when they arrived- including myself.

There are so many, many things about myself that I despise, that I feel I have ruined or messed up. I know my faults and hide many of them from even my closest family members, but in this one thing I feel I have succeeded. I have created a small world where people are loved for who they are, accepted just the way they are, cheered for when they do well, shown kindness and acceptance and freedom to continue on life's path. I have a world that is just the way it should be. I wish the "real world" could be that way too.

Stop the World, I'm Getting Off Now

Did you ever just have a bad day/week that was just truly awful? Well, this week STINKS!!! Can I call it Friday and get it over with?

There's just no way to get around it. I thought it was just Monday, but then yesterday the governor signed an executive order reducing our pay effective immediately- taking back a percentage of the entire year's salary from our next paychecks. This hits all the state employees; senators and judges can voluntarily give up some pay if they'd like to. Yeah, can you hear my sarcasm???? I won't even go on about this as it's not nice- what's in my head. It's going to really hit us hard financially.

I'm dealing with my kids (the kids I love more than my life, but who are really frustrating me right now). I am angry, hurt, frustrated, worried, stressed, hurt, disappointed, worried, angry.... Right now it appears I am getting the silent treatment from one.

I'm feeling horribly low, and each day I keep getting out of bed thinking it will be better today, and then there's something else.

I'm utterly, completely, and totally sick of work- the negativity and backstabbing, the way people talk about and treat kids, the way I feel so awkward and have somehow without meaning to backed myself into a corner by myself ...

Most of all, I'm just sick to death of me.

The good news? God is still God. I am still alive and breathing. I have a husband who is standing by my side in this icky week. God has blessed me abundantly more than I deserve, and for that I am eternally grateful and very humbled as I am so very undeserving.

Here's to a better Thursday- I hope!

Be Still and Know...

Today on my way home, I was struggling trying to tell God my problems... In my head, in a very quiet voice, I heard, "Be still..." I thought it was just me being silly, so I started again, and there it was again, "Be still." So this time I did, as best as I could.

So for tonight, instead of writing it all down, I'll just say that I'm very discouraged, feeling like a very hideous, mean & ugly person, hating myself, but trying very hard to

just

be

still.

God I am still and know that You are God. You alone.

Please pray for Stellan!!!

If you haven't heard of this little boy, please go read his momma's blog. He will have a very risky and dangerous surgery tomorrow. Please, please pray for Stellan, for his family, for his team of doctors that God would guide their hands and give them wisdom.

Stand By Me

Stand by Me- really neat video!!!

Spring Break Accomplishments

Well, I set a few goals for myself over break, with the biggest one being to relax, rest, and not work too much.

I'd say "Mission Accomplished!!!!!!!!!!!!" What a wonderful week home with some of my family and all these things completed:

• flower beds planted & mulched
• lawn mowed & many of the leaves cleaned out- still a TON to go in the back but that can wait for other days
• two chapter books read- my students will be so excited that I met the reading challenge with them! :)
• cooking some good meals
• housework
• sleeping in a couple days (which means really just waking up at normal time but catnapping for a while)
• taxes finished & filed
• menu planned & groceries bought
• curtains finally found for my living room (after trips to three different Walmarts!!!)
• quality time with Barbara & Robert (Barbara especially, so much fun!)
• limited work (only 2 hours in my room on Friday and lesson plans & homework packets just done late tonight!)

It's past my bedtime, so I'm signing off. Goodbye spring break 2009! Back to work I go!

Love Is Not...

My momma taught me something a long time ago when we were still going to church with them back in Illinois. I remembered it today in church, just sitting there, out of the blue- well I know it was God, but you know what I mean.

Love is not a feeling. It's a choice. A choice to love in spite of our feelings. A choice to show kindness even when we don't feel it, don't want to, even when the other person doesn't "deserve" it, even when we've been wronged...

That's it for tonight. Thanks for being a good teacher, Momma. :) I love you very much.

Forgive Me Father

God,
Please forgive me and help me. I am so not a nice person, and I know it, and I know You know it. You see the inside parts of me and know my heart. I don't want to use the word to describe myself, but maybe I'm just a hypocrite, I don't know. I don't want to be.

I am trying to live peaceably with others, but it's getting harder and I'm getting tired. Please help me.

Rebekah

I'm In Good Hands

Father,

I've taken some small steps in my life and a few BIG ones. Some forwards and probably too many backwards. Some of the bigger ones? Being a public school teacher because You told me it was my mission work in this world when I really wanted to be a missionary. Leaving everyone & everything I held dear to move (sight unseen) to a place 1000 miles away, to work in a school 1000 miles away with people I'd never met and students I had no clue about when my heart didn't want to leave my momma & pop.

Why??? All because You told me to.

So I know I haven't always trusted You like I should have. I'm a slow learner I know. But I am trying hard to get it and learn these eternal lessons You're trying to teach me.

I have done my part in this thing I've been struggling with You & my own self on. I've knocked on the door. I'm trusting you with my life and the future of my family, my career, my home, my health- it all. I can't do any of it without You, and I don't want to either. I'm in Your hands, and I know You will take me where You want me to be and help me to be who You want me to be.

Please just let me know what that is in Your time, Father, and until that time comes, please help me not to be stupid or dense like I often am. :)

For now & always,
I'm in Your Good Hands

Rebekah :)

Taxes for Teenagers

Pray for me folks. I am about to show Barbara how to do her taxes. Am I nuts or just totally sleep-deprived? Why am I doing this? All because she asked me to show her and because she wants her $13 back. :) I figured it might be worth a giggle, a good memory someday, and not too hard, please dear Lord, to show her now.

Here we go!

Grace- an exercise

I've been reading the gospels to find out exactly "who" Jesus was- what kind of person He was, what He did, what His personality was like, how He treated others.... Today I found a verse that might just sum it all up. I went looking for what exactly this one particular word, "grace," means...

John 1:14- "...the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth."

The definition of grace that stood out to me the most was this one:

Grace- the exercise of love, kindness, & mercy; a disposition to benefit or serve another

WOW! I think that could be a one phrase/sentence statement that truly sums up Jesus- if you can sum up God in one sentence, that is. :) Jesus showed love, kindness and mercy everywhere He went in his travels, in His work, in what He said & did. He lived a live of service to others, and when it came down to it, He thought of others and put Himself and His own physical needs and wants last, even to the point of laying down His own life for us.

And, in my own life- am I exercising love, kindness, mercy, serving others? I'd like to think so, but I also know some areas where I am not- so really, in the end, I'm not, am I? I don't like exercising- period. It's hard work, it's painful sometimes, it makes you grow and often be uncomfortable in the process, it isn't always pleasant, sometimes it yields pleasant results, and sometimes it doesn't. It's easy to be all love & kindness to those who love me back and who never mistreat me. But when someone has hurt me bad enough, I don't want to deal with them, I just want to be left alone. But is that what Jesus did?

I've got some more thinking to do here, a lot of it, actually. Jesus wasn't a doormat either. Though He was love, kindness and mercy, there were also times when He left an area where He wasn't received, where He got mad, where He dusted the dirt of His feet and moved on... But even in those times, I believe He was saddened at the people's rejection of Him and His love and mercy... In His heart, He wanted people to accept His gift.

I've really got to exercise more spiritually. I think that is the lesson Jesus has been trying to teach me the past year or two. And this journey to be more like Him- well, I've got a long, long way to go.

Gardening Fun

It was supposed to rain, but so far it hasn't. Even though it was a little cool, Robert & Barbara & I went outside to do some gardening today. We did a lot, and I know it will be so pretty once everything gets established.

Barbara made the flower boxes with dahlias, vinca vine, and alyssum.

pink moss phlox by the mailbox- it will eventually spread out and be a mass of pink blooms

this is the corner of the backyard by the driveway... going to plant these blue salvia & artemesia here

our tomato patch - nine plants- romas, roma grape, big boy, bonnies- ooooh, i can almost taste them now!!! hoping to make lots of fresh homemade pico de gallo, salsa, even some fresh spaghetti sauce this summer on top of just eating my weight in tomatoes- and that's a LOT folks! :)

our herb garden right off the kitchen door- cilantro, chives, Italian parsley, Greek oregano, rosemary, dill, thyme, sweet basil, and lavender

flower bed #1- the "Tree Stump Bed"- before

and after - this one has my Pop's hen & chicks he sent me, 2 columbine, 4 violas, 5 coreopsis, and a few petunias and purple alyssum

the right side of the deck - before

and after- this is filled with a few blue salvia & lots of lambs' ear- one of my favorites!

Barbara also filled all my flower pots on the deck with petunias, alyssum, a geranium, and potted Rob's two cayenne peppers. That's it for today. Hope to finish the other patch, plant Rob's jalapenos, and get my sunflower patch in this week. That will be it for this year. Maybe in the fall, we'll plant some spring-blooming bulbs and put in some more perennials. I have some ideas for next spring to think about over the next few months, but I am going to enjoy this wonderful start to my first spring in my new home. :)

God loved us all (in the whole wide world, every color, every nation, every language, every culture, every walk of life) so very deeply, He sent us His own son, Jesus, to die for our sins and give us eternal life.... John 3:16- Rebekah's paraphrase...

I'm missing my momma & pop a whole lot this day. Kept busy with church, a nap, flower shopping, & I tried not to think about it most of the day, but as evening has worn on, well, I just missed them- that's all.

I know that Easter isn't about family, really, but about something so much more important. It's about that verse up there, and I'm so very thankful that HE loved me that much, even when HE knew me, knew how I'd be, knew the mistakes and screw-ups I'd make, knew my many faults, and yet HE still made the choice to come and die for me.

Thank You Father for this day and what it is really about. Thank You for the gift you gave to us of life and the horrible price You paid for that gift. I love You God. Help me to always love You.