2013: The Year I Turned Around

I haven't been able to blog in a long, long time.  I doubt anyone even visits here anymore.  Though I hate that I haven't had time to journal, I also am learning that journaling is for me and I should do it when I can and want to, and that when I hit the crazy times or don't have anything to say, that's okay too.

Anyway, 2013 has been a year of change for me.  I got so tired of things in my life at work, the way I looked and felt about myself, the way people stared, made rude comments or laughed at me outright... So in May 2013, I started making changes, and God made some changes, and put together I'm becoming something different, hopefully better & stronger by the time it's all said and done.

Change # 1- On May 4, 2013, I walked into the gym with my daughter and signed up Rob & I for a membership and signed myself up for workout sessions with a trainer.  Enter my trainer/coach, Rashad.  I had to let him weigh me, measure me, and let him see just how out of shape and hideous my body was; the thing is he has NEVER ONCE expressed anything but encouragement.  He calls me "beautiful" from time to time, doesn't let me get down on myself, looks the other way when I cry because I'm doing something I didn't think I ever could again, and has supported me in accomplishing the goals I set, even the stupid, silly ones.... Because of this choice my life has changed in so many ways:

• I have taken my fat butt to the gym faithfully since May 4, 2013.  I have not had a good track record of sticking with life changes like this for so long.  I usually have gone gung-ho and gotten frustrated when I hit a plateau.  This time, I am sticking with it and will continue to do so.
• I have mostly gotten over people looking at me- not completely, some days it still bothers me a lot, especially when someone is blatantly rude or ugly, but the general staring I ignore now.  I had to learn to get over that very quickly working out at the gym.  Rashad puts me out there where others can see me doing things like push-ups, running around the gym or out in the parking lot, doing ladder work in front of the rows of cardio machines, doing suicides in front of  others....  I am learning to focus on what I am doing and ignore others.  That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt and I don't still get mad, but I can ignore a lot more.
• I have lost and KEPT OFF right at 40 pounds since May and have dropped from pant size 34 to size 28- can't believe I'm even posting that, but oh well.  If anyone is reading, maybe it will help them.  If you think "Oh my word, what a cow!," well you're right.  I was a cow, still am a cow, and have a long way to go, but I won't always be a cow! :)  And I am okay with you thinking I am too.  That's a big change too!
• I can run short distances for a very short time (it looks more like race walking/jogging, but still...).  I couldn't do that in May.
• I can do about 70 situps- the real thing- in three sets with only a short break between sets.
• I can do planks!  I am working on learning to do situps the right way and still have a long way to go on that.
• I am learning to do squats properly- not pretty yet and still have a long way to go, but I'm improving.
• In July I could only do 1 minute on the elliptical; now I can go for 30-40 minutes. :)  That just makes me happy!
• I can lift about 100 pounds in bench press, squats, and on the glut machine.  Rashad says I'm a lot stronger than even he thought which makes me feel good.  I have often told people that I'm stronger than they think and many people don't believe me.  Under my layer of lard I do have muscles. :)
• I found a great app that has helped me keep better track of what I eat, the water I drink and the exercise I do- all helping me change and maintain changes.  In the end, I have found out that part of my problem is that I actually don't eat enough- something confirmed by my trainer, two doctors, and a nutritionist- so I have to really work on that this next year.

Change # 2- The last couple school years have not been easy, and I had hit bottom this last year.  I walked out of my classroom in June not knowing if I'd ever walk back into a classroom or what I was going to do but knowing I was NOT going back to my school.  I left school on the last day and had started applying for nonteaching jobs, but God gave me a teaching job at a new school. I started there in August, and though I'm still very frustrated with our education system and the way reform is killing our schools and harming our children and teachers, I have been able to go on- something I didn't think I could do back in May or June.  

Change # 3-  Though this is something I started a while ago and have been continuing, it has also begun to change me.  I have been working very, very hard on my Master's degree which is why I had to let the journaling/blogging go these last few months.  I am about to start my last semester, and on May 11, 2014, I will graduate.  My advisor and another professor have been especially encouraging to me as a student and teacher during this time.  I have been told I should publish and recently one of my instructors encouraged me to go on and pursue my doctorate's degree and teach at the college level!!!- me, Rebekah!!!  I am still stunned at that.

I don't write all this to be braggy - NOT ONE BIT.  Dear God, don't let me come across like that! 

I write this because I want to remember this someday.  I want to remember that I had to hit the bottom to start moving back up.  I want to remember that God didn't forget about me when I was at the end of my rope- that I especially want to remember!!!  

I write because this is the year that Rebekah started to see something tiny, many days still infinitesimal, but there is a flicker of hope that I now carry for this fat girl.  I have spent years and years loathing myself, and on the good days, just barely tolerating me.  But now, I am starting to have moments where I almost like me, where I think "Hey, I am proud of me!" Then I catch myself and wonder who this new me is? :)  It's strange to suddenly see something good in yourself when you've spent your whole life hating who you are to the very core of you.  I am not very comfortable with this almost-liking-myself that I sometimes experience, and I usually find a way to shoot it down very quickly, but still it is nice to not always think "you suck" in your head or having to listen to that nasty old voice all the time.  I have my low moments still, but I'm learning to talk myself through them.

I guess I write this too, in case someone might come across it who feels like me.  If this Rebekah, the fat slob of a human who wasn't good for much except loving people, especially kids, through hugs or silly little things that aren't really important... if this woman can turn around and change who she is WITH GOD'S HELP, so can anyone. If I can learn to run or do situps or pushups... if I can learn to see something good in myself... if I can go on in my education... so can you.  I promise that I'm nothing special, not anyone of importance or special value (my Momma will disagree, but God love her, she's my Momma & she's supposed to feel that I'm special). :)  I'm just a person who never gives up on others but gave up on herself I don't even know when.  But I'm learning this year, 2013, to fight for Beka too.  If I'm right about kids (there's no such thing as a "bad" kid I am always saying), then that has to hold true for me too.  I can't be as bad as I thought I was.  There has to be hope for me too.

So 2013, you will always be one of my favorite years- you are the year I turned around and gave myself a chance.  I'm grateful for that chance, and I hope God will allow me to continue on.  Who knows where I'll end up. 

Happy New Year!

note for heaven

You've been gone a long, long time now.

I was a kid then.
I am a middle-aged woman now with grown children of my own.

I've lived longer than you got to and done many things you never were able to.  I graduated from college, and next May will graduate with my master's degree.  This summer I will celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary.   I have watched my children perform in band concerts, participate in different sports, graduate from high school and one from college, get their driver's license and first car.  Now I watch as our children start their adult lives, going to college, working, moving out and planning to move out.

I am blessed or lucky to have been able to live longer than you did.  Some days I think I will run to find you if and when I get to heaven.  Other days I think I am not sure I will want to see you for reasons I don't want to share because they sound weird and stupid even to me.

Yesterday my oldest took my breath away when he said he thought of you and even talked to you as he went for a walk in the woods behind his apartment complex.  He had tears in his eyes when he said he wished he could have known you and when he asked me if I thought you would have liked him.

I know you don't know.  I know you can't see or read a stupid blog.  But I have nowhere else to put it so I'll write it here.  You are still thought of.

2013- Page 6

Weekends go by way to fast!  Wrapping up the night but I still have a bunch of stuff to print for this week, clothes to set out, breakfast/lunch to figure out, and a shower to take.  I keep hoping I can figure out how to clone myself. :)

I am happy to have created a pretty nice looking learning contract for math & literacy for my kinders; I'm excited to introduce them to the kids tomorrow.  I also published a lot of stuff this weekend, and I am happy with how those sets looked.  I thankfully also got the bills paid and the January menu finished and updated my monthly station plans to reflect the new learning contracts.

This is my last week before grad classes resume, and I have a lot to do before it's over to be ready, so this week promises to be busy.

My plans for the week include:

• finish my momma's pj's and Zoe's bunny blankie and get them in the mail
• find a place to get my sewing machine oiled and serviced
• get in to an eye doctor and try to get new glasses
• get lesson plans finished for next week & start the grade level plans for the new lit unit 
• get my "Sub Tub" updated
• clean and reorganize the writing, alphabet, big book, and retelling stations
• get tax forms downloaded and ready for the kids and us
• go for a few walks with Rob this week
• read a few chapters in the two books I started on our trip- Life of Pi and Songs of Blood & Sword: A Daughter's Memoir  (I never can find time to read during the school year, and especially when I'm in grad school, but I am hoping to squeeze in some time as much as I can.)

Well, off to print and pack up I go!

Help a Teacher- Pass the Word

Help spread the word-  this is a neat giveaway for teachers!!!!  If you know a teacher or are one, pass the news!  If you enter from this blog link, I will be entered too.  :)

Family time

I love my kids!  :)

Today the young people and I all met up at the house and headed out to see the Hobbit. :) I was so excited to be with the kids- all of them- and to see that movie!!! We made a little "memory" that will be a joke for years to come at Robert's expense.  I had to make a bathroom pit stop during the movie.  When I came back and was sitting back down in my seat, I didn't see Robert stretching his long legs (and he didn't see me sitting down apparently), and somehow he kicked me in the face.  Got me right in the eye- glasses went flying down two or three steps in the dark, and my eye felt like it was bleeding.  I was kind of stunned, couldn't figure out what hit me; he was stunned and apologizing like crazy (like his mom). :)

One of the boys got my glasses for me, but they were so banged up, I couldn't wear them.  Watched the rest of the movie with not so great vision, but thankfully it was a big screen and I didn't really miss anything important.  Rob was able to bend the ear and nose pieces back into place enough to get me through until Tuesday when I have to try to get excused from an after school meeting to get to the eye dr.  I have a small cut on my eyelid and am waiting to see if I will end up with a black eye.  Boy, am I going to tease that son of mine if I do!!!! hehehehehehe

The rest of the day was just normal- menu planning, lesson planning, and working on teacher materials for my store.  I'm starting learning contracts with my kinders this week, and I try to differentiate a lot, so I'm knee deep in all of that.  Shoot, I have to pay the bills too- YIKES!  Better get on that now!

Happy weekend!
Beka :)

2013- Page 4

Friday- my favorite day.  Today I worked super late in my classroom- moving furniture, reorganizing the library area, getting things straightened up and looking through my teacher books and resources to plan our very first kindergarten learning contracts for this school year.  I sure hope my little ones are ready for this level of self-management!

I am way too old and have too crummy a back to be moving large bookcases and pieces of furniture; you'd think I'd learn this lesson eventually.  But here is what I have to show for my hard evening's work- a beautiful library area for the kids on Monday morning.

 Here is the whole library corner plus word wall.  I've got baskets for alphabet books, math books, science, and poetry on the floor (I wish I had tons of shelves here).  You can't see them, but on the small bookcase, I have baskets for many different characters the kids love- Curious George, Franklin, Little Critter, etc.  I color coded my author study books and put them in the red & blue crates; I hope to really get the kids into author studies now in this last half of the year.

Now to lesson plan, pay the bills, do my Donors Choose work, and finish those pj pants. :)

2013- Page 3 - Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try to do a Thankful Thursday each week.  I just want to make sure I keep thinking of my blessings; I think I do this, but it can't hurt to be deliberate in keeping the thankfulness in the front of my brain. :)

• thankful that I got to have four Christmases- with Shanesa, then all the young people, then our Thomas five, then my Illinois family. :)  As the kids are getting their own adult lives, we are having to learn to adjust.  Christmas is not what it once was, and that bothered me a little at times this last month, but then I remembered that we have to change.  I will miss the Christmases with my little ones, but we will make new memories and build new traditions and that will be fun too.  It was also so nice to spread out the fun, laughter, joy, and giving.
• thankful for safety on our travels to IL & back- about 1,800 miles total and part of that was in snow
• thankful my hubby is feeling better, that he went to the doctor (did you feel the Earth shift on its axis this week???? He NEVER goes to the dr.!), and that he is getting appointments for further medical care.
• thankful for our healthcare provider- Sara is the BEST.  I've had some really crummy doctor experiences, but Sara has been so good to me and to the kids the few times they've gone in, and now to my hubby.  I am so thankful for her!!!!
• thankful that I am finding/taking time to do some sewing and creating- it was so nice to give my kids(students) all fleece reading blankets, and I was able to make something for my assistant, Shanesa, Rita, Barbara, my sister, my brother (in-law), my niece, and now I'm working on pajama pants for my momma.  :)  

• thankful for the laughter of children- I didn't want to go back to work, but I was so happy to see my kiddos and hear their laughter and get lots of hugs!

My niece, Zoe, LOVED this cloth when we were at the fabric store.  She kept pushing off the other bolts of fabric from the cart, leaning backwards to lay her head on it and saying, "soft, soft." :)  When the clerk was cutting it for us, she kept pointing and saying, "mine;" she wanted it back and was not happy that Aunt Beka had given away "her" soft fabric.  It was cute and funny, but she was oh so right- this stuff is amazingly soft.  I want a blanket or pj's with it too.  You're pretty smart, Zo!

2013- Page 2

Today found me:

• creating & publishing some more teacher stuff- here and here
• taking my hubby to the dr. and hoping they can help him feel better
• getting lunch with Rob after the dr.'s appointment :) :) :)
• doing some "dreaming" about our 25th anniversary- We'd like to take a trip next summer.  We aren't sure if we can afford it or not, but we're going to do some wishing, looking, hoping. :)
• walking around Joann's with my youngest (Thanks for keeping me company Matthew!!!)- I bought fabric to make some skirts & a pair of pajama bottoms for me :) plus fabric/batting for some baby quilts for Rob's coworkers who are expecting their first babies and tons of fabric to make burp cloths and aprons to help my sister and brother (in-law) with their sponsorship/adoption goal.  
• emailing my advisor about the rest of my coursework- I might be taking three courses this term- YIKES!- but if I do, that might also mean I could graduate this December.  That would be killer now, but oh so nice!  Either way, I'm 12-17 months from being done. :)

Now, I need to prepare for teaching tomorrow; it will be nice to see my kiddos again! Not looking forward to being back in general, but I do ADORE the kids at my school, so that will be good. :)  Oh, and thanks to God- I have had three (WOW) projects funded in the last week.  I no longer have any live projects on Donors Choose thanks to strangers. :)  Such a great way to end 2012 and start 2013 as a teacher! Makes me remember this:

Beka :)

2013- Page 1

I don't really set resolutions for myself; I am too wishy-washy about those things.  But, over the last year, I have been working on becoming healthier, and I begin this year a pant/dress size smaller than last year and forty pounds (maybe more- I never used to let the dr.'s office weigh me) lighter than last year. :)  That thought makes me happy, very, very happy.  I've never lost and KEPT weight off.  I usually lose it and then gain it and more back, but I'm losing slowly and keeping it off.  That was my goal, and I'm accomplishing it slow & steady.  Like the tortoise, I am finally believing, I can win this race. :)  You have NO idea how powerful that feels to me for the first time in my adult, obese life.

So in this chapter of my life, I hope and plan to keep working on that healthier me thing.  I hope to end the year smaller in size and lighter on the scale and would like to be able to be more physically active.  I long for walks in the woods with my hubby, and oh, how I would love to go hiking in the mountains! :)  That's a someday goal, but still!

Other things I want to do/achieve/try this year:

• continue to work on my masters' degree- This time next year, I will be about to start my last semester I hope, and I am planning on graduating in May 2014 if my classes all fall into the schedule. :)  That means half-time graduate school this year while working full-time, running an after school club for kids, working on the side for Donors Choose, serving my grade level as chair & being a teacher leader too- oh, and being a wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, and having a life perhaps. :)  It promises to be a busy, full year! :)
• in October, I started sharing/creating/selling learning materials online at Teachers Pay Teachers and in December, I opened up a shop at Teachers' Notebook too.  I'm nervously excited about growing in this ability, and praying I can make a go of it.  I hope to really learn how to do this better and supplement our income as well as helping other teachers.
• find more time for me- to read, to make cards and sew and learn new crafts and go for walks, rides and talk with my hubby, call my parents, go to movies with my kids, spend the night at Robert's apartment, etc.  Life is going by too fast, and all I have to show for it is my work.  I ADORE my children I teach; they mean the world to me, but I need to do things for me and for my family too.  That is one area I REALLY need to improve.  So I hope to just get away with Rob more- sometimes just getting out of the front door and walking at the park or going to a local museum, but sometimes maybe a weekend camping trip (oh, I hope we can do that more), or a night in Raleigh or Charlotte.  In an effort to do things for Rebekah, I also want to continue to learn new sewing skills/techniques and improve my sewing skills- later this month I am getting together with my cousins and sister for a weekend mini-cation and we are going to craft, sew, cook, eat, and laugh.  My cousin, Pam, is going to teach me how to sew zippers and help me learn how to properly quilt so that I can finish my big quilt top I made for Rob and I.  I am sooo excited!!!!
• This last one is most important to me- I read this quote that has stuck in my head for about two weeks now- "Sometimes, it is better to be kind than to be right. We do not need an intelligent mind that speaks, but a patient heart that listens." I am praying that God will help me to live my life with this in mind.  I am going to ask myself each day, "Did I listen today, truly listen?  Was I kind or right?"  And that includes being kind to Rebekah (which my family, friends, and colleagues will tell you is who I am hardest on).

I could set more goals, but those are the things that are most important to me, the things I've already been working on and feel are important.  I think that life changes are best done (for me, at least) in slow, steady changes and progressions, so I'll just keep up doing what I have already done to change and improve myself and keep myself moving down the path.  I am happy with where I am going, and hope to get further down the road to wherever this journey is going to take me, but for sure to a  healthier, smarter, better me.

New Year, New Beginnings

I saw this on Facebook, and it really spoke to me about a way to view each new year.  It's a new book, what will I write on the pages of my year?  I hope the year's book will be a good read when it's done, and I close the page (God willing) in 365 days.

I've stepped away from blogging and have missed it.  I got in a rut with my emotions, felt like I was just wasting my time, boring myself and anybody who might visit with my ramblings.  I've heard lots of comments about people who blog and how it's so egocentric, and I soooo don't want to be conceited or thought of as stuck on myself.  But then I remembered that I started blogging not for people to read my thoughts or to get followers but as my own way to journal my thoughts, to share memories for down the road....  I am not an eloquent speaker or writer, but I can just jot down my thoughts, things I want to remember later, share photos for myself to cherish...  I need to do this.  Some people journal in a notebook, and I can't seem to stick with that for some reason or other- every time I try, I stop.  I was journaling here pretty regularly, and then just stopped.  Time to get back to it. :)

So with that in mind, here I go.  New year, new chapter in my book.