God listens... I cry... yeah, that's about the norm

Please see my heart when you read this (if you read this). I am honestly not trying to be melodramatic, but just sharing where my heart is at this point in my life.

Every once in a while, you hear a song that just grabs you. This year has been probably the hardest year I have ever had as a teacher so far. It has torn me to pieces and made me question a lot- about God, about myself, about my calling and who I am. I've been praying about my future and talking to God about why we left home and came here and what He wants and why it matters (and does what I do even really matter to Him or make a difference for heaven??? 'cuz it sure doesn't seem like what I do can have any eternal, lasting effect most days), and where He wants me to go from here... for a long time, this year He was quiet (please know I am NOT saying He wasn't there, wasn't listening, or that He didn't care, just that He was quiet for the time). Then I heard this song on the computer one day when I had K-Love streaming in my classroom after the kids had gone home. I sat down at the computer and cried my eyes out. It was like God finally spoke to me, directly, and He had my attention!!!!

Though we are so blessed here in America (a fact I am keenly aware of and do NOT take for granted!!!!!), Rob & I do work with some very broken kids and families. Children who are not loved, children who have no food at home or parents to take care of them, children who have to parent themselves and their younger siblings, children who have seen too much of an ugly world many people out there have no idea exists. Children who have given up and are just trying to survive. Children whose eyes haunt me sometimes with the pain in them. Children who have captured our hearts and who will go with me to my grave in my heart and in my mind's eye.

Since that day I have heard this song on the radio many times. This past two weeks it has been playing in the mornings as we've gone to school a LOT- Rob & I have both heard it on the radio at the same time on a morning when we were both really struggling (Rob's school and my school are both "under fire.") I have heard it four of the last six days on my way to school. I suppose it might just be a coincidence, just the radio station playing a popular song, or just a total fluke... but for Rob & I it has meant a lot. And whether God was using a song that just happened to be written and just happened to be played at the exact time when we were both in the car (not something that usually happens with our school schedules) or at the time when I was on my way to the "battleground" each day, or whether He would have taken the time out of so much more pressing things to hear me and answer me, I cannot say.

This is what I do know- this song is true. How can I complain? I cannot. And the Bible says something to the effect of "if you've been given a lot, then a lot may be asked of you." I have been given a lot. How can I not, then give a lot? I cannot.

And I cannot turn away, though it would be easier for me- so much easier. It would mean less heartburn, less sleepless nights, less heartache and tears shed. It would mean less pain for me to not know, to just go teach in a "better school" where the kids and families are more intact and less "impacted" (just love that term- NOT!), but I do know now. It's like the homeless people I pass on the corners... I cannot pass them by and turn my face. I may not be able to solve all the problems of this world and the things my kids face, but they deserve to not be alone in their time of need.

So until God sends me somewhere new, I will "follow You" with all my heart God.

Follow You
You live among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy
For me to turn away
All my needs You have supplied
When I was dead You gave me life
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll
Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, god
Follow You into the world

Use my hands, use my feet


To make Your kingdom come
To the corners of the earth
Until Your work is done
Faith without works is dead
On the cross Your blood was shed
So how could we not give it away so freely?

And I give all myself
I give all myself
I give all myself to You

spring photos continued

more photos from this week

this is my peach tree; it survived the move to the new house last spring and it's looking great this year! :)

matthew took this one for me
forsythia- love this bush!!!

don't know what this is- but i LOVE it!!! so beautiful!

jealous

i hate feeling jealous. but i confess i have my moments. of jealousy. wrong i know. dwell on it i don't. but sometimes i just am. jealous.

jealous of the ones who got to know them, and we didn't.
jealous when they talk about all their happy, wonderful, good times, and we had none after him.
jealous because they know each other and we don't.
jealous because i remember them and they probably don't even know we exist.
jealous of their memories and the good times they represent.
jealous because something that should have been, could have been was stolen from us and we can never get it back. no matter anyone's good intentions now, it's gone and can never be given back.

i don't wish any of them ill. i am happy for them that their memories are so wonderful, happy that they have them, happy that they have a better relationship and family ties.

i just wish we did too, and it hurts. really bad.

a hunt for spring

tonight my three guys and i went for a walk at the bog gardens here in g'boro, and i went looking for "signs of spring." things are a little later coming out this year, probably because we had more of a "real winter" (by n.c. standards that is) than in the past few years since we moved here. but we definitely had fun and saw some signs of spring making its appearance. the earth is waking up once again.

here are some of my favorite photos from tonight...

grrrr... blogger is being a pain tonight and i have spent way too much time trying to load photos. i'll be back soon with more photos from our hunt for spring. i have some pretty ones!

Welcome Spring 2010!!!

Happy 1st Day of Spring everyone! My condolences to my momma who is getting snow on her first day of spring. :) I can't send you real flowers right now Momma, so I'm "sending" you these to make you think of spring until the real one gets to you there in the cold north. :) I took this photo a couple springs ago and thought you might like it.
It's been a busy but good day. I had my Saturday grad class today (ugh!). The weather was absolutely GORGEOUS today! Last night I came home from school and put together two dishes of lasagna and put them away for today. Rob took care of making some bread and a salad and put the lasagna in the oven for us. When lunch break came, three classmates came home with me and we ate on our lunch out on the deck. It was so nice and so hard to go back to class after that. :) The afternoon crept by so very slowly!

Rob had to take Matthew to K'ville for a study group at 2:00, come back to G'boro to drop Barbara off at work at 3:00, and go back to K'ville to pick Matthew up at 4:00. I got out of class and my after class study group in time to spend a few minutes with Robert who practiced driving himself to work. Then I came home, pruned the artemesia in our flower beds, pruned my peach tree, did a little (very little) raking and cleaning out the leaves, sat on the deck with my feet propped up and began working on the next round of grad assignments, readings, and projects. I sat there working and thanking God, once again, for the blessings He has given me and for the wonderful blessing this house is to us. I don't know how He did it or why, but I know there could not be anyone more grateful than I am to Him for this home He gave us!!! Even now after a year of living here, it seems just almost too-good-to-be-true at times!

So now I'm off to do something, I don't know what. I'm so tired and might just relax a bit tonight before working like a mad-woman. Who knows with me, I like to live dangerously like that. ;) hahahahaha

God is near

in response to what i wrote on here this past friday night, i saw this tonight on another blog, and it JUMPED OFF THE SCREEN at me and screamed, "hey dummy, look at this!!!!"

Psalm 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."


thank you God for this. oh my soul, let me remember this all week.

busy week ahead :)

Yum, yum. I am enjoying some clam chowder in a bread bowl! So delicious, especially with this horrible cold I have! It's going to be a crazy busy couple of weeks, and though I am super sick I am going to fight this bug to "the death" of it so I can be ready for my cousin's visit in TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!! My cousin, Regina, is coming to see us, and she is bringing her two youngest kids (Bella and Sarah). I could not be MORE EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

I have grad class this next weekend, so this week is the last week to get the huge-mongous list of readings, assignments, and projects done. I've kept a good pace these past weeks and am well on my way to being ready- I "just" have to finish my clinical interview paper (at 13 pages now!) and read a book on assessment (oy!) with only five days left.

I start 3rd quarter assessments tomorrow too. Praying God blesses me and gives me some good news in that realm so I can bless families with good news on report cards this quarter! I've been working my fanny off with the help of my new t.a. (God bless that woman for all the blessing she has been to my kids and me!!!!), and I am hopeful that our hard work will produce some good results on our tests.

I've got a card order to fill and am finishing two card sets for my church's ladies retreat and for an old high school classmate's church's silent auction. I want to finish those tomorrow night and get them ready and out the door on Tuesday morning! I get to use my new BekaBooCreations stamp on them- YEAH!!! It's so pretty! :)

Sometime soon, I MUST find time to do our taxes. Praying about that too. God knows what we need, more than I do, so I'm trusting He will provide all we need.

Well, I hope you all have a TERRIFIC week! Hope to have time to write again soon, but it might be a few days.

Until then, love,
Rebekah/BekaBoo :)

the life of this teacher

i am a teacher. i have the honor (and often the challenge) of being a small part of a child's life for 180 days a school year in the hopes that i make some sort of life changing impact that extends far beyond those few 180 days.

sometimes this job is fun, filled with laughter and wonderful memories that i cherish dearly.

sometimes this job is hard, filled with frustration (with self, with students, with families, with administrators or other coworkers or the "big wigs") and in the last year and a half filled with a lot of heartburn, unfortunately.

sometimes this job is filled with heartbreak over the things our children face and must deal with, things i cannot possibly fathom or ever understand and most certainly don't want to accept.

this week was just another typical week in the life of this teacher. lots of wonderful times, laughter and joy. laughing so hard i wet my pants at some of the cute (and not so cute) things my kids say or do. one of my kids made a dress out of tissue paper with heart stickers for buttons and even made tissue paper boobs to stuff it with- HILARIOUS!!!!! one of my kids invented new words i had never even thought of before. others made me cards and gave me hugs and cared for me while i was sick this week.

there were also times this week i had to keep a smile glued on my face so i didn't let the kids know that inside my heart was crushed. how God can stand the sight of so much ugliness and hurt in His creation i will never understand. it turns my stomach; how does it not His? it saddens me to think of how we pervert and twist and ruin this wonderful creation He made us to be (myself included in that statement!).

i don't know how i can ever help combat all that "stuff" when it is so dark and horrible. i don't understand how the simple love and affection of one silly teacher can ever do anything against so much hurt. and it hurts my heart.

more. deeply. than. i. can. express.

yet i trust in Him who called me to this job. i don't understand how simple love can do much, i truly don't. but i know when i hug a child, i am really not the one doing it- it is Him. when i show compassion it isn't really me, it is Him. when i care, i am not really the caring one- it is Him. so i hope and pray that He is shining through me, and that somehow that simple love will somehow stick with my kids and in the darkest of places, they will see His light and remember and see Him.

i have to trust in Him. or i have no purpose and no reason to get up early each morning and drive to school.

please God. please let Your simple, profound love be enough for my kids and the whole world. please.

spring is really here!!!

today has been an ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS BEAUTIFUL day- spring is really here, and it was so pretty out. i ate lunch with my class outside today before i left to come home and sleep. i am sick and feeling pretty blucky right now (fever, sore throat, congestion, cough, body aches) but i'll live to see another day thank God. :)

robert is doing a lot of practicing on his driving and has been a help to me while getting his practice time in. yesterday and today he drove (with me in the passenger seat) to get the other two kids from their assorted places and it gave him some driving time while letting me just be a passenger. he's just about got this manual transmission thing down. he's improving very quickly and God willing, he should be a legal, licensed NC driver in just a couple more weeks.

barbara has been an absolute sweetheart!!!! she is giving up her spring break to sleep, be a bum, watch t.v. and do nothing and is getting up with me each day and volunteering in my classroom. she even went in yesterday and helped my t.a. while i stayed home sick!!! she stayed today too and helped when i came home early. she and my new coworker have really hit it off! it's so nice, and just another confirmation to me that God is with me and things work out in the end with His help (thank you Father for that help!!!!)

now i'm going to do some more homework and stay bundled up under all my blankets, sleep and pray that when morning comes i am all better :).

happy wednesday all! i hope wherever you are, spring is finding you also. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

not what a parent wants to hear

today we had some (not THE, but some) of the worst words we would have never imagined said to us. it might just be me, but the word "stabbed" and your child's name should NEVER be uttered in the same sentence!

but thanks be to God that all is okay, the damage was not great, and we are going to live to survive yet another parenting experience. and when my kids are out of the house, i'm moving to barbados and not leaving a forwarding address. :) haha

Happy 1st House-iversary to Us

One year ago today, Rob & I signed the papers to make us official 1st time home buyers! :) So today is our first "house-iversary." :) :) :)

Thank you God for blessing us with a home of our own after 20 something years of marriage. It has been a year and we are just as thankful, grateful, and appreciative 365 days later as we were on that day. It still seems like a HUGE blessing and sometimes like it's not possible we're living in our own place! You are way too good to us!!!

just nothing much but hello :)

it's been a beautiful, late winter day and a crazy busy one like they usually are at our house these days. :) so thankful i have a family that keeps me busy and helps me feel so loved and fulfilled. i know this is such a blessing from God!!! i was reminded of His love and blessings to me today as i spent time talking with our daughter about her life and desires. oh how life has flown. it seems like not all that long ago my own momma was having to have these talks with me.

today looked like this:

• get up, start a pot of white chili, get ready for grad class (thanks to my great hubby for fixing me a yummy homemade scrambled egg breakfast bowl :) YUM YUM!)
• class, brought home some classmates/coworkers for lunch and back to class
• grocery run and great talk with my daughter before i dropped her off at work
• dinner (yummy leftovers of lunch) and working on downloading all the materials and readings i need to do my next batch of gradwork (all i'm going to say there is OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!! if i thought it was bad last month, it is NOTHING compared to the workload for the next three weeks!!!)
• watching a little ice skating and skiing at the Olympics- i love the winter olympics!!!!
• i ordered a personalized business stamp for my card making business

So tomorrow I have to:

1. go to church & Truth Project bible study
2. read through my lesson plans and finalize my lesson for the first observation by the bright ideas coach. i am not sure when but one of the "big whigs" will be observing me soon as well and i hope i pass that test- that's a whole 'nother blog, but i'm kind of scared to write about what's going on at work (big brother is watching i'm pretty sure) :) :) :) let's just say things at work continue to worsen and get more intense and pressure-filled. the joys of working at a "low performing school."
3. finish three card sets- one for a personalized order and two sets i'm making for free - one for our church's ladies retreat & one for a high school classmate's church's silent auction
4. read, read, read & write, write, write. going to try to get this one HUGE assignment finished and submitted as early in the week as possible.
5. interims were due thursday and i still haven't gotten them done... YIKES!!!!
6. is that all??? i have no idea...

hope you all have a great week!!! take care of yourselves!!! (we might get a big snow, but then again we might not)... :)

love,

bekaboo :)

i hate geometry

i love teaching math to my young kids!!! it's probably the thing i'm best at teaching. i do a lot of higher level thinking things with my k's & 1st's. just today a 4th grade teacher was in my room and saw what i was putting out for tomorrow's problem of the day and was surprised at what i was doing. she said most of her 4th grade kids wouldn't even be able to do that kind of problem.

so why in the world is this grad course in geometry killing me????? i have no idea what i'm doing and feel officially STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if i weren't so tired and worn out i'd just sit here and cry but i know it won't do any good or solve anything.

God, i sure do need Your help. i honestly don't even understand or know how to answer this crap! for example,

There are a total of 1175 diagonals in a 50 gon. T or F

who really cares????????????????????????

i am trying not to sound like my kids and say "when will i ever use this in real life?" but honestly, i have managed to go 39 years of life so far without needing to know anything at all about a 50 gon, let alone its diagonals.... thinking i might be able to go another 39 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's not like i'm getting a masters degree in math or like this math program is for secondary ed teachers. it's an elementary ed math license people!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, i'm done for today. good night.

and if you're reading this and are a Christ-follower, will you PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE pray for me. 'cuz right now i'm going to fail this assignment which is a pretty big chunk of my final grade. it's due in about a week and half, and i spent three hours on four-five problems tonight. grrr.... i am going to have to let go this whole "have to have straight A's" thing- shoot, right now if i can pass with a D i'll be thankful!!!!

ready for spring

i remember being so bummed at the beginning of january feeling like the next few months were going to creep by oh so slowly... not sure i could make it to the end of the year... i just realized tonight that it's about the end of february already! WOW!!! the year is going faster than i thought it would.

spring is just around the corner here in my part of the world. (don't be a hater momma!) the sun is rising earlier and setting a little later. i am thankful for more sunlight. i love winter and oh so deeply have missed winter weather (though we've had quite a bit for n.c. this year!), but i'm ready for the dark days of winter to come to an end. i've been hearing birds singing in the early morning hours as we get ready for work and when we leave. definitely a good sign of spring's coming. and today, rob told me my daffodils we brought with us from the old house last spring are just coming up. YEAH!!!! they survived and soon i will see some color in our dead backyard!

the only downer part of this is the allergies that come with spring's coming. i must have been crazy to have tree pollen issues and moved from the fairly tree-less Iowa/Illinios to the southeast. what was i thinking???? :) i am not feeling too hot and the "issues" i have had in the past with my ears, sinuses, tinnitus, dizziness are kicking in. i have a few months of icki-ness ahead of me before it eases back off.

hope you all have a wonderful week filled with sunny skies and good days!

Happy Birthday Robert

Twenty years ago today Rob & I welcomed our firstborn child into our lives (man were we just kids!!!) and started down this road on an adventure we had no clue about. We have made many mistakes and learned hard lessons, fallen down only to pick ourselves back up again and go on. This has been a hard road at times, but at many others it has offered us beautiful views and joys and pride and love I've never known the likes of anywhere else.

Happy Birthday Robert Michael Dale. I have loved being your ma-ma, mommy and now mom, and I always will.

Matthew Made Me Cry

My 6'4" (or more???) "baby" just emailed me this note:

Ich liebe dich
Je t'aime
Is tu mo ghra
Mina rakastan sinua
... ... ...
... ... ...
I love you mom
:-P

He went online and found an online translator and found as many ways to say "I love you" in as many languages as he could find (the ... ... ... were other symbolic languages - ??? Arabic, Hebrew, Asian something???- Blogger won't let me cut & paste it into this entry.) It was his idea and he so surprised me. My tall, bashful, more quiet boy thought of his mom and did something so sweet.

I am still crying.

And then a little later he brought me this paperwork to sign. He is registering for his senior year. My baby isn't a baby anymore. That tiny baby that almost died, that we were told to say goodbye to, that wasn't expected to live past his birth-night, that was supposed to be tiny, sickly, puny, that miracle boy of ours is almost grown! This is the beginning of the end of a lifetime of raising babies, children, teenagers... I'm beginning a new chapter in my life.

busy

life is crazy busy but work is getting better thanks to some major answered prayers!!!

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am making monogrammed note card sets. these are two sets i made for a coworker and my momma :). hope you all have a terrific end to your workweek!

a conversation with God

I sat there at the computer in my classroom. The children were gone leaving silence, crayons, and little messes here and there. Piles of work awaited me. I was drawn to look out the window at the woods behind my classroom. The wind had caught my attention. We were under high wind warnings all day.

The tall, old trees behind my classroom were swaying and bending more than usual, bending almost as if they were younger, more limber trees. I sat there watching, thinking and wondering if any of them would topple and amazed at how much they could stand, even as large as they are and yet, stay upright. I just sat and stared for quite a while. It was so peaceful. And in the silence I heard a thought in my head. I know it wasn't me. I'm not this smart.

And after the past few weeks of feeling like my prayers hit the glass ceiling, after last night when I sobbed in my bed and questioned Him (my maker, father of the universe) and asked Him why I feel so far away from His presence, after asking Him if He was just ticked off at me and begging Him to forgive me of anything I'd ever done (you know, hiding the asparagus in the garbage when my mommy wasn't looking, not telling my parents I got spanked back in 2nd grade- uh, Momma, I got spanked in 2nd grade :)- fighting with my sister, flipping the bus driver and all the kids on the bus off, not being the kind, wonderful, PERFECT person I think I am supposed to be.... you fill in the blank, I probably said it)... after all that I was humbled and so thankful that He would still speak to me.

Before I go on, please let me say I don't think of God as only that mean, vengeful, horrible kind of God. I have "issues" obviously. :) I see God in many, wonderful ways; please read below and you will see what I mean. I'll save the rest of that baggage for heaven, where it will all get worked out. :)

Going on... God and I began to have a conversation, sort of. I felt like I should type what He said down, and then I just started putting it in a conversation type of format, and it kept going. I'd type and then I'd hear something else... this went on for about twenty minutes. I cried as I typed and listened.

God- See those trees... they sure are blowing. A lot of them are leaned way over in the wind. Did they do something wrong?
Me- No, God, it's just really windy?
God- But they sure are leaning over. They must have done something wrong to be so bent over like that.
Me- God, it's REALLY windy out there. No tree could stand immovable in that force.
God- You mean, those trees aren't bad? They aren't wrong?
Me- (The light bulb is beginning to flicker very dimly...) No, God it's what they're supposed to do so they don't break.
God- Life is windy sometimes; it is hard. The winds are fierce today. Those trees didn't do something wrong to make the wind blow at them like that. It's just weather. The trees aren't being punished; it's just part of life. Sometimes life can just be hard and cold and fierce. But it won't last forever. The weather will improve, it will warm up, the sun will shine again, the winds will be pleasant breezes another day.
Me- So You're not mad at me then? This isn't some punishment because I've been a bad girl, broken some law of Yours, or been less than perfect?
God- No Rebekah Rose. Life just has hard spots.
Me- (silence...) So, I will do my best God to bend and not break. Please help me to not break God. I don't want to do that. I feel like such a big baby, such a weakling. I'm the baby and weakling in my family (or at least that's my perception). But God, the single, most important thing to me, what I want more than anything in the world (more than a husband, a good marriage, loving parents, good children, a warm home, food, a job that fulfills me or anything else in the world) is to make You proud of me. I want to see You smiling at me and just know that when You think of me it is with pride and not regrets. It pains me horribly to think of all the times I've failed You. I only want to bring You pride and happiness.
God- Rebekah Rose, those trees won't break. You know why? Their roots go way down deep. Those roots hold them strong in even the toughest circumstances and harshest conditions. Those trees may suffer temporarily because of the wind; it may pain them to have to bend and give so much, but they won't break. They will stand back up when it's all done.
Me- God are you the roots?
God- Now you're starting to understand child.


All this time, I have been thinking there must be some lesson, some reason for the troubles this school year, something that God wanted to teach me. Maybe not. God can obviously teach me without causing me pain- He just did. I'm not that dense or stubborn that He has to get through my thick skull by being mean to me.

Though I feel at the end of my threshold of what I can take right now, though I am drained physically, mentally, emotionally, though I don't know how I can go another, single step... I will keep going. This wind storm will pass. I will be able to stand up again and spread my limbs. The spring will come, and the Son will warm my days. There will be fruit from this time. One day soon, a soft, gentle breeze will blow on my face and I will be a better, stronger person who understands another life problem/crisis. I will be better able to help someone else who is struggling because I will be able to say "I have been through that storm, and I survived."

How I see God...

This is a prelude to the next thing I want to journal about. It is part of a conversation I had with my momma today via email.

I have struggled for years with how I see God. How I got there is a loooong, boring story full of melodrama and silliness, and to be honest I hate female drama- see it plenty in my classroom and workplace. So moving on! I see God as a loving, kind God who obviously loves us so much. I mean He came down, lived as a human, allowed Himself to be beaten and murdered... puts up with us wicked humans, puts up with me and somehow still chooses to love us, bless us, and even more amazingly use us. But sometimes I feel like God is mad at me, that He isn't speaking to me- sort of a God-silent-treatment, that He isn't proud of me, or that He is disciplining me for some secret/hidden/unknown sin... There's a long story to that, but it doesn't really matter here.

But I don't only see God that way. I have that issue when I am low, struggling with lack of sleep, sickness, and hit life's speed bumps. I know it's a trick of the enemy to get me down and discouraged, and I'm learning to fight it. But, as I frequently tell people in real life, I "ride the little bus..." I'm a slow learner when it comes to God. :) I promise when it's my "time to go," God is going to send a little bus to pick me up.

I see God in many wonderful ways though, in all seriousness. And here is how I put it to my momma today in an email.

"I also see God as amazingly loving. Blessing beyond description. Kind. Merciful. Amazingly creative.

I see Him in the laughter and smiles and hugs of my children and my students and the kids at my school. I feel Him more than anywhere when I hug a child and get loved back even more than I could give. I see Him and His kindness to me EVERY SINGLE day when I get to go home and see my bright red, cheery car sitting in the parking lot and when I pull into the driveway of this really pretty home and know that He gave them to me. I see Him through my parent's lives and the examples they lived and continue to live (more than what they've ever said to me). I see Him in the trees gently swaying in the wind, in the clouds as they float by, and in a pretty sunrise on my way to work each day. When we visited the ocean I saw His great power. When we traveled through the mountains I saw His beauty and art and appreciation for diversity. I see Him in my flowers in the backyard, in the snow that falls gently and covers the earth with His cleanness and quietens the noises that surround us. I see Him even in something silly like our loving, devoted dog or the adorable kittens that were born in our home.

I see Him as especially kind to me, which in fact I've been struggling with as well. I know God does not have favorites, but I cannot explain why He would bless me more than others, or seemingly so.

• I had a father who loved me very much.
• I have a mother and pop who love me dearly and would do anything for me.
• I have been raised in a good, secure home by loving people who provided for my needs and many of my wants, who taught me how to love and live for God, who gave me a good, moral compass, taught me how to care about others, helped me seek God's will for my life, and who have supported me my whole life.
• I have a husband who loves me deeply and has for 21 years of marriage.
• I have three beautiful, wonderful, funny, compassionate young adult children.
• I have known pain, death, loss, hunger, financial problems, marital problems, health problems, but God has kept me/us through them and it could have been oh, so much more, terribly worse.
• I was born into a free nation that is so much more monetarily blessed. I could have been born into any number of countries where even a loving family wouldn't have been able to keep me safe from the horrors of war, rape, murder, famine, disease...
• I have never had to stand on a street corner and beg for money or food.
• I have never had to spend a night on the streets, in the woods, or have to worry about where to go at night.
• I have never known the rejection of a parent or suffered abuse or neglect by their hand.
• I know that my parents and family are very proud of me.
• I have material blessings too numerous to name.
• I am free to worship without having to worry about death, imprisonment, or persecution.

I see Him in a most loving, wonderful way. I just am painfully aware of how little I deserve it (I know that's the point of the whole thing- I'm just saying.). And I am very aware of how guilty it makes me feel to have all these things and see/know/work with/read about those who don't have so much of God's blessings.

100th Day

i had very little sleep last night and am going to try to be in bed by 10 so i better make this quick. :)

today was the 100th day of school! my kids BEGGED me to do a pajama party. with the craziness of snow days almost all last week, some of the kids forgot but we had a great day! they even bugged me to wear my 'jammies and i humored them. it was a comfy way to spend my day in my warm 'jammies and robe. :) and the kids were so cute seeing their teacher in her pajamas. i think maybe they didn't know i sleep too. :) haha

i had a new t.a. start today. it was a lovely day. :) only a couple negative comments from people, but i tried to head it off at the pass.

i've done a bunch of school work tonight and am ready to try to sleep now. wondering what tomorrow will bring since we're forecast to get some freezing rain and snow/sleet early in the morning before turning into just a cold rain. wonder if it will be a late start or no school again.

so goodbye 100th day. good night world! hope you all have a terrific tuesday!