mourning for others

I've been really struggling with "issues" at work. Some of it is just petty stuff that I need to keep overlooking (some days I do better than others). Mostly, though, my heart just seems to break over the garbage I see in people's lives, mostly the kids I deal with and see at school, the kids my children go to school with, the kids Rob works with, the kids I see in our neighborhood... I can't hardly stand to watch the news anymore because of this same thing. It hurts too much to care about people. I've been told so many things related to this by pastors, church members, principals, fellow teachers, and family. And all these things are true. I shouldn't care so much. I shouldn't take other people's problems "home" with me, I shouldn't take things to heart, I can't let it get me down, I can't solve these problems...... These are all correct, and I know it. The "trouble" is that I can't do it.

I've been thinking about this a lot this year. I know I will sound like I'm just justifying myself, but didn't Jesus weep/cry/express sorrow when he looked out over Jerusalem? When John the Baptist was beheaded, the Bible says, Jesus departed to a deserted place by himself. I doubt he went away because he was happy. I wonder where He went & what He thought & did? When Lazarus died, the Bible says, "when Jesus saw her weeping... He groaned in the spirit and was troubled... Jesus wept." Jesus is God's son, perfect. He is able to see the "big picture;" He knows the way things will turn out, and He can understand better than we can, that things can be meant for good. Yet, here is God, in human form, and he is troubled, sorrowed, and even crying. Why? Because he hurts for the people he cares about and is sorrowful at the sight of others suffering.

So, if Jesus himself cried and was hurt at the pain in the world he encountered, then why do I think I would not? I've decided that it must be okay for me to be this way. I mean, God made me who I am didn't He? And, though many of my life experiences are a result of my own choices, some were not my own and had to be meant by God to help me become the person He wanted me to be. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have been placed in the schools He wanted me in. There must be a reason. And though it kills me sometimes to see the things I see and hear, if God put me there, it must be to care for those people. So, isn't it really okay, if I am troubled and sorrowed by what I see? Wouldn't He be if He were actually there in bodily form? Then, that gets me to thinking about this. Maybe that's why we are all put where we are, to be Him in bodily form, to be Him crying/weeping/mourning for those all around us who don't know Him, who have lives filled with pain, hurt, sorrow, garbage. Maybe someone has to weep for them. Maybe more people should weep and cry and hurt for others. Maybe I'm not in the wrong after all. Maybe??? That leads me to another verse from the Beatitudes: "Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted." I'm no Bible philosopher and have not studied much, but maybe this is what Jesus meant??? Maybe He intends for some to be there to mourn for others who don't know. I've definitely got to think on this some more.

God Knows Where I Am

I have had times when I knew "God knew where I was..." Times when it was very clear that He saw me right at that moment and knew my needs and spoke to me in a way that was tangible, that I could not have any doubt that it was Him; those times were so moving and remain a memory that I look back on in my "days" when I doubt myself, doubt my Christianity and truly know I am loved.

Well, yesterday, three people spoke to my heart and two of them could have no idea what was going through my mind, and even the one could not know the intensity or hurt that is there. I think God sent three people in my path yesterday to say what they did, without even knowing it. Kristen's supervising prof came to meet us cooperating teachers yesterday, and she spoke right to my heart with some things she said. She was just sharing her own personal experiences (some of which are troubling in and of themselves). I'm 'paraphrasing' here to keep this short. She told me that she had heard a lot of wonderful things about me and that I was a special person. She said she could tell from talking with me that I took things to heart (don't have a clue what I did that made her be able to tell that). She said I looked tired and she wanted me to "not give up. You make a difference. You can't reach them all, but you can reach some, and you're here for those you can touch." How could she, a total stranger, have known my heart? Known I was thinking of leaving? Known the struggle that has been going on within me? She couldn't have. Then another teacher at our school was talking with me and had heard a false "rumor" that I was on the transfer list. I cleared that up, but told her I had thought of leaving AJE. She asked me not to leave, said our school needed me. She used a phrase to describe herself, but it is one I have borrowed and used myself for years now- "this is 'my place in this world'." Then my momma, who has some idea of the things in my heart, but not their full intensity, sent my sister and I an email yesterday that I found when I got home. She will never know how much that email meant to me. I will keep that forever!!!!!!! She said that we girls are being missionaries, and she equated mine to working in a foreign country where you can't go in as a "missionary" but have to go as something else and just shine God's love.

God knows where I am, and what I am struggling with. He took time out of His busy day dealing with death, illnesses, starvation, poverty, and a billion other needs far more important than mine to place people in my life that would speak a message they may or may not have known I needed.

Thanks God.

Love...

Rob & I have been talking again about "family issues"- translation the dysfunction in our family backgrounds and the choices we made in how to deal with it and what we could/should/might do about it in the future.... I've also been thinking about work "hurts" and the way some coworkers don't seem to like me... It fits with this too.

I felt "led" to read about love today, hmmm...

I Corinthians 13...

"... Love suffers long & is kind
Love does not envy
love does not parade itself and is not "puffed up"
love does not behave rudely
love does not seek its own
love is not provoked & thinks no evil
love does not rejoice in sin but in the truth
love bears all things
love believes all things & hopes all things
love endures all things
love never fails..."

Here is a verse that really made me think today: vs. 11- "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

And I've always loved this verse because I'm not good at the "faith" thing (I never have been & when you attend a pentecostal church- which I don't anymore-, well that can be a problem) and sometimes, when things have been their darkest, I found it hard to hope, but God knows I love Him more than anything and He has given me a love for sometimes unlove-able kids and parents and He gave Rob and I a love for each other when our marriage was not too hot, so I love this verse... I guess I feel like I may be bad at everything else, but at least on this one God won't turn me away because He knows I do love.

vs. 13- "And now abide faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love."

So, I'm thinking of my family issues again & work. Given what Christ did for me (the original gift & the TONS of other stuff- repeated forgiveness, repeated patience, repeated teaching & reteaching, not giving up on me or getting so frustrated at me that He throws in the towel, blessings too many to mention.... Am I really living up to the real meaning of "love?" Where I was ten or fifteen years ago, well I was "a child" then- in my early-mid 20's trying to deal with a lot of stressors and not knowing as many of the "facts" of life or the "facts" of situations as I do now. But now, aren't I finally becoming a "man/woman/grown-up" in Christ? I sure hope so! :) So shouldn't I quit looking at things through my own eyes and see what He says?

"... Love suffers long & is kind-
Sometimes love has to suffer because we're none of us perfect, but it is still kind- I can still be kind; I don't have to bring up the past. I don't have to join in if I don't want to, but I don't have to be hurtful to say no either. I don't have to be "ugly" just because others are. I can still be kind. And, when I think about it at work, I have been. I haven't spread gossip or rumors or talked bad about others. I smile and try to be friendly. I don't have to be best friends and sit around and shoot the breeze and not doing so doesn't make me unkind either.

Love does not envy-
I don't have to envy cousins, aunts, uncles, others who have relationships I don't

love does not parade itself and is not "puffed up"-
I don't need to defend my momma's family or my momma or even myself; first of all, no one is perfect and no family is perfect and I'm not responsible for things my family may have said or done and we all are in need of forgiveness and mercy; I need to remember that scripture I like- "don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing that your charitable deed may be in secret" Do what I do for Him and don't worry about the rest

love does not behave rudely
I can't be rude, but that doesn't mean I have to try to be everyone's best friend either. I don't have to participate in after school socializing if I need to get work done and get to my kids. I don't have to talk on the phone if I am uncomfortable with it.

love does not seek its own
Don't think of myself, think of others- what do they need? how can I serve them? what would God want me to do for them?

love is not provoked & thinks no evil
I can't be "ugly"- I need to make sure I don't behave in an unforgiving manner, hold grudges, be rude, gossip, listen to gossip, give my hurts and frustrations to God first & foremost

love does not rejoice in sin but in the truth
don't laugh at evil and sinful things; don't participate or listen to conversations that involve things God wouldn't approve of, don't be "holier-than-thou" but just don't participate

love bears all things, believes all things & hopes all things
I need family that "bears" with me on my bad days, that believes in me (even if I don't) and hopes the best for me. I need to be that for my family too. I need to be there as a "cheerleader" for my coworkers, students, families. I need to bear with their bad days too and believe & hope for good things for them too

love endures all things
I need to endure through hard days just like I want those around me to endure me when I am less than patient, less than kind, less than what I should be. I need to remember that God didn't promise a life of happiness and prosperity, but He promised to be with us always

love never fails
If I have God's love, & He never fails, then I need to never fail. Though that is the perfect standard, and I'm far from perfect, I need to strive for that goal, and try to limit the # of times I am faith-less to God, first, to my family 2nd, and to others

I need to think like a "man/woman" and act like one too. I know I've been trying. God help me to get it right for You!

Bored

I am having to do this in "spells" because the dizzies have struck again. I'm home sick again, and bored out of my gourd! I know Momma, but you have to admit I haven't used that words in ages. I can't even remember the last time I was truly bored.

I made it through the "planning day" yesterday, and tried not to let it show to anyone that I was sick, though Kristen knew. I can't fool her, and I'm not good at playing the tough role like my Momma can. Kristen can see right through me even on the few times that I've really tried. By the time everyone left yesterday afternoon, I was really not feeling well. I made it to the recliner at 7:00 and fell asleep, moving to bed about 8:00 and sleeping until 6:30 this morning when I got up for work, tried to get ready for work, & ultimately called off. I slept all morning, and have only sat up straight for about 30 minutes today before getting sick enough that I had to go lay back down here in the recliner.

Yesterday our grade level got to "skip" school (subs provided) and have a planning day. I offered our house as a meeting site if people wanted thinking it would be more comfy than a public place like the library or a restaurant. I fixed some food and drinks... We got a lot done that needed to be done, not as much as I had hoped, but enough for now. I was so nervous because there seems to be this tension between some on our grade level, and I wanted it to be a nice, fun, relaxing day for everyone. I don't know how that went; I felt like there was some tense-ness between some, but I don't know. I am often sensitive and am always a bit on the paranoid side. I know the things that have been said to me this year by my coworkers and the issues that some of them have with me, and I feel like there's a lot that's probably not said that they would like to say but won't. I think (am pretty sure) that some of them don't care for me much. I hate it, and I have tried to think of ways to fix it and have even tried some to change who I am a bit (if I could), but I can't. I am who I am, fat, big-mouth, sensitive, paranoid, put-myself-down, can't-say-no, avoid-confrontation, and everything else. I'm tired of trying to please people (did you hear that Pop & Momma???)!!! I'm just going to be me. Forget it! I'm also thinking I should start looking for another job down the road at another school. The question I'm asking God is where do You want me to be? And if I'm moving, when & where?

A Prayer From My Heart to Yours, Father

It's Saturday morning; my one day of the week that I am often able to sleep in a bit and not get up at 6:00 or so. But now I can't sleep in because my mind won't let me. I'm thinking about the events of the past week in my children's schools, and I'm pretty upset. I wish there were someone I could call (I tried a couple, but they weren't home or answering their phones), but really, in the end, I just need to keep talking to God anyway. I know He's the only one with answers and solutions. It's just hard to be a mom sometimes (or a dad, I know).

Let me explain. This is going to be very upsetting to my momma & mother-in-law, I know, though, so if you're reading, considered yourself warned. You might just want to stop here. I'm sorry to upset anyone, but I have to get this "off my chest" and I'm hoping this will help me talk to God some more and think about things.

Matthew came home to tell me about his first exam day on Wednesday. Out here, they take a big EOC (end of course) exam. This state is crazy about testing, and the way they do things is ridiculous in my book. So when the kids get done, they have to sit there until everyone is finished- no matter how long it is, two hours, three.... They can't bring in a book to read or a magazine because they might cheat, you know. So he's just sitting there being bored. The girl (I won't call her a young lady) in front of him whips out her Ipod and begins watching a movie, so he started watching over her shoulder. It was a movie based on an MTV show, need I say more. It is the Jack-a... movie. That should have told him enough, but I guess he didn't really know since we don't have cable. I don't know. ??? Anyway, he started telling me some of the stuff he saw. Stupid stuff like guys bungee jumping in their underwear, stupid, but not horrible. Then, he saw a naked man doing something with himself that I can't even put on here. He said that was when he quit watching. Thank God, Matthew!!!! Duh!!! With the name it had, you should have never started. But hopefully, I pray, he had the sense to not look back.

This made me so mad, I can't even describe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ranted to Rob about it for probably an hour.

Then, yesterday after running to pick up Barbara and Robert, and on our way to pick up Matthew, Robert started telling me about his day. In his psychology class with the "ever enlightened" Mr. Rhoades (a longer story there I won't bore you with, let me just say that R & B both have some special teacher that feels they are "enlightened" and want to share it with the world), Robert saw a kid nearby with rubber gloves, a bag of rubbing alcohol, and assorted other "equipment;" he used this stuff to pierce a girl's ear right there in class. Yeah, you heard me right. Robert said there was blood dripping and the guy just put the bloody rags on the desk. He said that the boy, "licked the dripping blood off the girl's ear." Oooooh, that is so gross and wrong and surely the kid knows that blood shouldn't be licked.... Oh my!!!!!!!!!!! But this isn't it; no, it gets "better." Another student watching, started commenting and asking questions. Then the boy and the girl with the pierced ear tried to talk student #3 into getting a piercing, and they succeeded. Right there in class the girl with the pierced ear then pierced student #3' s nose, right there in class. Robert said she was grimacing and groaning and everything.

Where was the teacher? I asked that several times as I was, and still am, completely shocked. How could he not see that?

This is a question I ran by Barbara's swim coach last night at the final meet. Coach's comment- he's probably like a lot of the other Smith teachers- tired, worn out, worn down, and just scared to do anything. Then Coach began to tell me other stuff about the school, and I again, am just appalled.

I am so regretting our decision to put the kids in Smith, and our decision to leave them there. What have we done??????? But, when I dumped on Rob about some of this last night, he said without any shock at all, that that goes on at his school too. I asked him if he'd let it go on in his class- "no." I'm so disgusted!!!!!!!!!!!! What is happening to our kids???? Where are parents, and why are they not doing something? Are we really that in the minority? But when I stop and think about it, I know he's right. I can't run from this and even by pulling Barbara out of Smith (which would be an issue), I wouldn't change anything, not really. I remind myself that in quiet, little, corn fields all-around, middle class, DeWitt, Iowa, Rob told me about the group of female students that made a video of themselves having sex with each other and passed it around the school. There was Barbara's 4th grade teacher whose daughter made a porn movie of herself with the boys from school. There were nude co-ed softball games. The boys who thought it would be a laugh to measure their penises on the digital scales in chem class and did. I'm not going to find a school without this garbage. If I had the money, I'd pull the younger two and put them in a private school. I know they have problems too, but hopefully I'd limit their exposure to more of the sex-related stuff.

Rob and I have made many mistakes that I deeply regret, and I still blow it daily and weekly and often in front of my kids. But, I didn't work this hard to teach my children to love God and to live a life pleasing to Him to have them go to school and learn about homosexuality, bisexuality, teen pregnancy, promiscuity, see pornography (and this is twice that I know of now), and a host of other less important things that just add to my frustration like: body piercings, teachers who feel they're enlightened and want to enlighten other students to their ideas- Buddhism, not voting, and other stuff that goes against what Rob and I have taught the kids. If other people want to let their children run around and do whatever, well it's a free country, but I don't want my children to have lost all sense of innocence. If other teachers want to be a Buddhist or feel that it is wrong to vote, well you're entitled, but what in the world does that have to do with biology class and why are you talking about that instead of teaching my daughter biology so she can pass the AP exam??? This is also the enlightened teacher who feels that since this is a college level class, the students can open up the books and "learn" what they need to know. Must be a result of his being so enlightened; he must really be something that the kids can just absorb the knowledge right out of the text. Wow!

And, the thing that upsets me even more is to know that this is not an out of the norm place, not really. At my grade school, we have kids on the verge of being out of control, many times a week, that are out of control. I can't count the times in a day the "bong" as we call it goes off for a student crisis. We've had students who have destroyed classrooms, attacked teachers, threatened to kill teachers and other students as well as themselves. Disrespect like I've never seen. Little ones who know what sex is and how it is done and try to imitate it on classmates and other students who also know enough to tell the teacher "so and so's 'sexin' her."

God, what is happening to us???????? What am I to do??????????

I've sat here listening to "Lifesong" for over an hour now. God, I know I've failed You many, many times, but You see my heart, right? You know that my biggest desire is to live for You and point the way to You. I'm again, so very sorry for all the times I mess up with my own kids, but God we dedicated them as newborn babes to You, we've tried to give them to You, teach them about You, keep them in church (even when I was miserable), keep them in Your word, limit the garbage that is in our home. God my lifesong is about kids. It's about showing love to the people You put in my life. My lifesong has three kids at the top of it that Rob and I dedicated to you a long, long time ago. Now they're almost grown, and soon will be making all their own decisions with our influence just reduced to example and guidance only, not being able to make any of their decisions or to protect them at all. God, I beg you. They are Yours and always have been. Please, Father, keep them safe, keep them in You, keep them pure in all this filth. Lord, don't let them be tainted by all that they see and hear in a day. Let them not be negatively influenced by their friends and those they sit near in class and see in school. Please keep Rob and I pure and not let us sacrifice our standards. Help us all not change what we watch, listen to, and accept as right or wrong; let us keep Your standards in our mind and not accept anything that doesn't match up to Your truth. If we start to veer, please correct us.

Father, my three children are the first verse of my lifesong. Please let my lifesong sing for You as they are about to step out and form their own lifesongs. Let their lifesongs sing for you now and always. Please hear this mother's cry. I can't see myself in Your eternal home without my children. How could I ever rejoice and worship You knowing I had failed my kids? Please let me not fail them, and keep them from failing You.

And, Lord, will you please give Rob and I something more to keep us strong in parenting through this last leg of childhood? I think my heart is breaking right now and I am so sad. I don't really know what to do about all this mess. What will become of our nation? More importantly, what is going to become of all these young people, these children? God, I am so tired and fed up and really a part of me wishes I could do something else. It's too hard to stand in the gap and have my eyes opened up to the problems in our society and our children's lives. It hurts too much. But I know You paid a price for me and everyone, and You didn't say "It hurts too much." So how can I? I don't really like it at all, but I know You haven't released me yet or if You ever will. How can I quit when you haven't yet given up on our human race? And, really, I don't want to quit, I just want the garbage to go away. Please, Father, you've got to help Rob & I to stay strong in You to keep doing this job. We're both getting worn down out here in NC. This place we're in is a dark one, and right now, Lord, I don't see a light. I'm trying to shine Yours into my world, but today, Lord, I feel like the dark is too strong, too powerful. I know it's not, but it's how it seems right now, like the dark is winning. How can my tiny candle do any good in all that darkness? What good am I? I cling to the other few candles I see in my school, but God how can we really do anything?

Lord, please accept this most deeply held, most important prayer of all of mine, this prayer from my heart to Yours: let my lifesong sing to you, somehow, someway, in my three children-Robert, Barbara, and Matthew- and in the service I give to the students and families I touch at work. Somehow, Lord, let some good come from You through me.

A news clipping

Barbara sent me the link to a news story about the IB program at her school. It was on a local t.v. station. This is the program Barbara is in and will graduate from next year.

http://www.digtriad.com/news/local_state/article.aspx?storyid=95893

Sad

Sorry to seem silly, and this is open, I know, for anyone out there to read, but tonight I just need to tell God some things.

God,
It's me again. I'm just sad tonight, God. My uncle is not doing well. I've been emailing with my cousin the past two nights, and it is BAD. I'm so afraid for their family he will not make it, and I pray and I know You are able to heal. So please, God, will you heal my uncle? I hurt for my cousins and my aunt as I know how terribly painful it is to watch someone you love so dearly suffer, and hurt, and look as if they might not make it, and come to death's door. And there's not thing one you can do, but just stand there and watch. You can't make the pain any better, you can't cheer their spirits much, you can't give them strength. I thought my daddy dying was the worst thing in my life, but then my momma got sick, and I found out there are worse things.

My momma has to go for yet, more, tests two days this week and to another specialist- and this on the day she was supposed to get released from her cancer dr. She found out that he will not "ever release her" because her cancer was so bad. :( I'm hurt for my momma who is disappointed, I know. I'm tired of her having to go through so much pain and suffering, even after 5 years, and I'm tired of her not being free from scares and tests. I know I should be grateful she's here & Lord, You know I am! I don't mean to complain, but I just hate this world and death and sickness. I hate it all!!!!!

I've been reminded of past hurts with my daddy's family. God, I have forgiven them. I know they did the best they could with what they were dealt. I know I was not perfect in my actions in many things. I know all that. I'm truly not mad at them. It just hurts, God. Knowing they couldn't probably help it and that they did the best they could doesn't give me back lost years that I could have known my cousins, come to know my aunts & uncles as an adult, could have spent time with my grandparents. It doesn't give my kids the family they should have had and will now never, ever know. And now, I'm just expected to pick up the phone and chat like I'm talking with and old friend, like nothing ever happened. I can't do it, Lord. I don't even like to talk to hardly anyone on the phone. I call my mom & sister (and that, not enough). I call Rob and the kids. I don't call anyone else, not anyone. I just don't do phone calls that much. Then, to try to talk with someone who is your blood relative but who doesn't know who you really are- they just think they know you because you're a "Lott." That really gets me! It's just too awkward and too hard. What am I supposed to do, God? How can I please You in this situation? How can I not hurt and yet not turn my back on them like they did Jessica & me?
AAAGGGHHH!!!!!!!

I'm so tired I can't even hold my head up here in my chair. I can't function like this, Lord. I don't want to function like this, God. I'm sick of feeling like this, and even more sick of being a loser, pain-in-the-butt, and burden to my hubby and kids. I finally broke down and made a dr.'s appointment, but I'm scared to go. Scared the dr. will tell me I'm a baby or a hypochondriac. Scared that he will tell me that there is nothing I can do. Scared that I will end up sicker or having to do some drastic thing that could forever change the way our lives go. I just want to be healthy and able to keep on taking care of my family, my students, myself. I was doing so well on weight loss and then I can't even walk without being nauseous!

Lord, I'm so sorry for being a whiner! I want to please You more than I can say.

I'm sorry God,
Rebekah :)

Look out college, here they come...

It is Sunday evening now, and I feel yucky!!! I was doing better the past week. The ear ringing had gone back to just a few times a day and soft enough to mostly tune out. I was only "off kilt" feeling and not really too nauseous at all. I got sick in Walmart yesterday and even sitting here all afternoon, I feel AWFUL! My ears hurt and are ringing LOUD, and if I get up and move around at all, I start to feel really dizzy and yucky. :(

Other than that, it's been a nice weekend. Robert is filling out his college application and working on finding a permanent job next month when he is 18. Barbara and I spent the afternoon looking at colleges online and working on a financial aid calculator. That's a joke too! It's hard to believe, but by this fall, Robert will be in tech school and Barbara will be applying at the universities/colleges of her choice. Oh my goodness!!! Where has time gone? Better yet, where will time go? because I know this time is going to fly by. Robert was talking with me today, and he made me almost cry. He said he'd help pay for a cuttlefish bone the birds need in their cage because he knew we were really tight. I commented in reply. He then told me that in the summer, "Things are going to get better, Mom. I will be working full time, and I will help you and Dad out. I can give you money for groceries or stuff..."

I'm so surprised at how much he's grown up in the last few months. This is my "tight" child that said this. He's always been very tight with his money and not very generous like the other two are, so for him to even think of this and to say and mean it, is really something! I think I am more proud of him than I could ever have imagined!!!!

I love my kids so much! Rob and I may have made a lot of mistakes and really "screwed" up things in the past, but those three are the one thing we did right! And it's not like we really "meant" to, so I guess I can't even take credit for them. God, thanks for blessing us with them, even when we didn't realize how much of a blessing they were at the time! You have given us such a special gift to have them in our lives, and I am so thankful for all the joy, laughter, and meaning they have added to my life!

Dizzy again, but thankfully yours,
Rebekah :)

Freedom

I woke up today and found the news of Benazir Bhutto's death. I am saddened to think about another life taken in hate and to think of another soul gone to meet her maker. I hope she was ready.

As I've spent all this time looking at news stories of Bhutto's death and her life, I've been thinking about our country. There are many things about this country I don't like, but I am reminded again, as we are coming up to elections ourselves, of just how precious freedom is. Thank you God for being born in a land where we are free to express our ideas, to oppose those in leadership, to live our lives the way we want, all in freedom and without fear of death threats, suicide bombers, or assassination. I know there are threats and increased need for security amongst our politicians, but we are still so much more free and safe in this nation than in so many other places.

Lord, don't let me forget to appreciate what I have, where I live, and the freedoms I have. God, please be with the families of those who were killed; somehow please send them Your comfort and peace and let them come to know You as their God. Lord, please bring peace to all the many places torn by war and civil unrest. Protect Your people in lands all over this world, and let us all come to know Your freedom in this life and the next. And Father, please would You be with "my" two little girls, who are and were my students, and their mom and grandparents, who are now in Pakistan with their family. Please, Lord, keep them safe and bring them back to their father here in this country.

Meniere's STINKS

I am sick of not feeling good!!!! It's Christmas vacation for crying out loud! This is getting old. I'm getting sick of myself. I don't want my husband, children, parents, coworkers to get sick of me.

I just wish this would go away, my ears would not hurt, my head would not hurt, I would not be dizzy and nauseous. And this ringing in my ears- well I've about had it with that. It's driving me crazy!!!!!!!

Oh well, time to get myself up and go on, sick or not. What else am I going to do? I am trying my best, God, to not be a whiner or complain much to Rob or anyone else either. You're the only one who really knows just how awful I feel right now.

A Quiet Christmas Day

It's Christmas morning. The kids and I slept in the family room together last night. Rob stayed up late writing while we all slept and finally went to bed. :) Matthew, who is usually the last kid up and is definitely our "night owl," was the first one to sleep last night and the first one up today. :) He was sitting up on his pallet waiting for us to all wake up, and when I woke up, he said, "Let's open our presents!!!" :) Still like a little boy even if he's the biggest person in the house. :)

It's been a nice, quiet Christmas morning so far. The kids opened their gifts. While the kids made their breakfast, took turns playing their video games, and Rob put his toolbox together, I have written & addressed all my thank you cards. Boy, my hand is hurting now where I broke or hurt the pinky. It has been bothering me more and down into my hand, but I just keep praying for it and letting God take care of it. I'm strongly debating just having my "pj" day and staying in them today. Everyone else has stayed in theirs too so far, and it's been years since we had a family pj day. :)

Last night was a lot of fun!!! We decided to have our Christmas dinner last night like we used to do with my family in Illinois. I didn't want to deal with a turkey, so we had a roast instead. It was a nice, much simpler meal. We used the "Grandma" china and, for the first time ever, I let the kids bring out the crystal from Vietnam that was my daddy & momma's. We watched The Nativity Story; that is a great movie! I cried throughout the movie. We all wrote a letter to God, went out into the yard and those who wanted to, shared their letters with the rest of us, then we all burned our letters as an "offering" to God. Then we came back inside and had the sillies- the kids had Santa on radar (noradsanta.org) and kept watching for him off and on during the evening; it was funny! I called my parents, and we all talked to them. My dad has started a "family joke" about the Waffle House- a different story I should write sometime- so we kidded around about that too. Then we all just crashed on our pallets/couch/chair and went to sleep. Barbara kept telling us to "hush up and go to sleep- Santa is coming." I hung up the boys' stockings before we went to sleep, but I couldn't put up Barbara's because it had a stuffed reindeer peeking out at her. So when she woke up this morning, I told her that Santa had, in fact, come. She saw her reindeer and did her usual "girl, gushiness" stuff- "Oooh, he's so-o-o-o cute!!!!!!!!!!" :)

I sure do love my family!!! Thanks God for this wonderful family you gave me, and for more precious time with them. I am so thankful for all You have blessed me with.

Now, I think I will do some reading and maybe I'll write some too. We're going to watch Christmas movies and I think I'll see if my kids want to play a game with me too.

Merry Christmas to all who are crazy enough to read my blog! :)

Joyfully yours,
Rebekah :)

Merry Christmas Jesus

Thank you Lord for sending your only son down here with all of us. Jesus, what a sacrifice that was in and of itself. That you left heaven in all its splendor (I cannot even fathom it) to be born down here, especially when you knew what the outcome would be and the torture and sacrifice you'd go through after a hard life here on earth. I've already been thinking a lot about the circumstances of how/when/where you were born. Then tonight we've watched the movie, The Nativity Story. I have sat here and cried as I watched the scriptures put into movie form to show the events of your birth.

• You were born to a mother who was probably looked down on and shunned for her questionable pregnancy. In today's standards, we would have looked down on you too as the child of an unwed, teenage mother. Who would believe one who said that it was "God's work" or one who claimed to be a virgin mother?
• You were born to a working class, poor family. Joseph and Mary had nothing- no home, no fortune, no great future... You could have come to a wealthy family or one of great influence.
• You were born in a barn with a trough and hay for your bed. Not in a warm home or a hospital with family standing by eagerly awaiting. You are royalty, and yet you were born like a lowly one- less even- not even to be born in a home, but in the midst of animals.
• Your mother had to go through her delivery in a place of strangers without anyone familiar to be with her in that scary process of delivering her first born. How terrified she must have been with no mother, sisters, female relatives there to be with her and explain and help.
• Your family had to travel away from home at the time of your birth, away from any support system for you. No familiar people, neighbors, places- only strangers and no place for your mother to go when it was her time.
• The "witnesses" to your birth were animals and a group of what was considered "low class" shepherds from the fields. You really did come for every-man didn't you? You are God, and yet, you aren't too good for us "lowly" ones.
• You moved the stars, rulers, circumstances, and more to fulfill the prophecies, to show men your son, to make a way for his miraculous birth. There is nothing you cannot do.

God, you really sacrificed when you came down here, on so many levels. Thank you for what you did so many hundreds of years ago, what you've done in my life, and what you'll continue to do in the future. Thank you for loving your sinful, wicked creation so much that you would give up your comfort, glory, honor, worship by angels and come to live in a corrupt and evil place, in human form to suffer hunger, cold, pain, sorrow, loneliness, homelessness, stress, worry, and more than I could ever know, just to save us pitiful people. We are so undeserving, but those of us who have come to know you are so very thankful.

Merry Christmas Jesus!

clipart from cutecolors.com

Christmas Cards

Christmas cards- yeah, I know. A lot of people love them, a lot of people hate them. They're "just another thing on the to-do list," a "waste of money," a "keeping up with the whoever's"....
But, I don't just sign "Merry Christmas from the Thomases" or some such thing. I try to jot a note to make it personal to each person. My kids hate when it's Christmas card time because I pass the cards around and make them sign all of them. When they were little, even when their "signature" was just a scribble, I made them do it. Only then it wasn't a chore for them, more for me who had to start way early to get them all done. You know little kids can't do 30 in a night. :) Now, though, it's a "tradition" with me that we all sign our own names.

This year, I have been making our Christmas cards; they're not much, but I have had fun doing a few here and there, fitting a few in before bed or between errands and school work and running kids around.

I stayed up WAY TOO LATE last night making the last batch of cards since it is the 20th and probably too late to be mailing them now, but there are a lot of people I wanted to send them too and just didn't get time to make a card for. So now I'm trying to get it all done and in the mail before it is really too late. I mean a Christmas card in March might be considered odd. :) I guess I could have just gone out and bought some, but I wanted to do these home-made ones for some weird reason.

As I sit here, it starts to make me a little sad, missing all these people I'm trying to jot notes to, to tell about the kids and all the things in our family's life since I last saw these people (most two years or more ago).... But then it hits me--- Silly, Rebekah, instead of being sad because you miss these people, you should be happy that you have had so many people come into your life and bless it. I have all these people I can call my friends. So many, in fact, that I have to stay up late to be able to make all the cards for them and have to write until my hand aches to tell them all that I love them and think of them and remember them and miss them.

That's really a blessing!!!! I could have just one or two people in my life to send a card to, or I could have nobody to care for or who cared for me. Instead my life has been filled with lots of people that I care about. How blessed I am! So, I am not going to be sad, but I am thankful for all the "old" friends I have worked with who still remember me and send me a card at Christmas or a note to tell me about their lives. It means I am still remembered, and even after a couple years have passed, they still love me and miss me and think of me too. I am thankful for my "old" friends that I got together with to talk about work, children, women stuff, and mostly laugh with. I am thankful for family that I adore and who love me and for all the shared history we have- good and bad.

Yeah, I am blessed to be able to remember so many people that I care about and that I have been important to at some point. Thanks, God, for letting me have so many Christmas cards to make that I have to stay up late to get them all done. :) That's cool!

Robert's Church

Last night we attended Robert's church. He attends the Vietnamese Baptist Church in Greensboro. He started going to youth group there on Friday nights (in addition to our own church services) with some friends from school last January after he went to a skating night at the "Icehouse" with their group. He instantly felt right at home with the youth group, and liked it even better than the youth group at church where we had been attending since we moved here. He has since commented on the church people-he said they had been so warm and welcoming to him that they were like family to him. He really loves that church!!! He started thinking about and mentioning a few times that he just really wanted to go to church there as "his" church (they were much friendlier and loved the youth more than he felt at the other church, and he LOVED the youth group a lot more). We told him we would pray about it, and we did. We asked the youth leader to come by and let us meet him sometime, which he did. We had a nice conversation with him, and were very pleased. Anyway when we began to look for a new church in April, Robert again asked us to "let him go" to his church. So, in May, we decided he could, and he's been attending there ever since. He goes faithfully, pays his tithes, and is actively involved in the youth group. I can tell that he is growing in God as he comes home and shares what the pastor preached about, I can see him reading his Bible and sharing with me things he's learned, he pays his tithes and more and gives to missions too, he is becoming less "tight" with his money and more generous with God and with others. He shares a lot about the pastor's mission trips to Vietnam, and I know he's called his grandma to ask her to pray about those trips as well.

So, last night, they had their Christmas service/program. Robert was going to be singing, so we thought this would be the perfect time to visit, which we've been wanting to do for a long, long time. Boy, was that a new experience!!! Matthew goes to youth group on Fridays with Robert and has for a while now too, but Barbara, Rob, & I had not been there yet. They were very, very warm and friendly people! The pastor's wife had a handshake of iron, took us by the hand told us "Merry Christmas" and took us right up to the front row. For anyone who knows me, after years of marriage to Rob who is a bit of a recluse in social activities, a ton (literally) of weight gain, and a lot of "bad" experiences, I am strictly a back row church attender. I always sit on the back row, and if I have to move up more than one row, I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable!!! So this was doubly bad, to be on the front row, to be in front of all these people who are short and thin and tiny. We were the only "white" people there, and we didn't understand a word that was being said in the whole building. I was planning on sitting in the back where we could quietly watch and participate without being noticed. Not happening!!! The man who began the service was, I think, welcoming visitors to the church. Different people, and their children, would stand up and the church clapped for them, then the man at the microphone would talk some more, someone else would stand up and more applause. The next thing I know, he's looking at us and saying something and pausing and then he gestured for us to stand up. Everyone clapped, and I got caught up in the headphones that weren't working anyway and yanked them off my head. I felt like such an idiot!!!!!!! :) Then the pastor's wife came up and told me that they were for when "pastor preach." Now I really felt dumb. :) I just knew Robert would be embarrassed by me.

There ended up being no translation that night for some reason, but it was very neat to watch him preach and to hear a sermon in another language. I could catch a few words- Luke, Joseph, Mary, Jesus, & Bethlehem. That was all I understood, but as I watched the pastor preach, I thought about heaven. I know there will probably be some heavenly language, but I thought it would be neat if we all spoke our own languages and could still understand each other. However God has that worked out, I think it will be so neat to see all the people of all races, colors, cultures, there together loving God and worshipping together. There won't be any prejudices, any superiority, any stuck-up people. We'll all be brothers and sisters serving God together. I wish it could be that way on earth now.

Just another aside- As a teacher of students from far away places like Pakistan, Mexico, Puerto Rico, and Vietnam, I found it an interesting and educational experience too. It reminds me and gave me a first-hand experience to see what it might feel like for my kids and their families to be surrounded by people who look different, eat different foods, and speak a different language. It helped me understand, even more through first hand experience, how it might feel for them on a daily basis to be so "different" from everyone else around them.

After church, the people all went to the gym for food, one lady invited us over to join them. Matthew was out with a coworker of mine and her family for a birthday dinner for her son, Spencer, so we were going to get on home to make sure we were there when he got back- that also happened to be a good and legitimate "excuse" for us- Barbara was very uptight about having to eat Vietnamese food, and I was afraid we might really embarrass Robert. But, Barbara wanted to meet the youth leaders (she's been talking about going with them on Friday nights now that she's not working). So, Robert took us over to the gym just so she could meet the leaders- Dai & Jenny & Bao. As we were coming in the door, here came the pastor's wife. She grabbed hold of us by the arms and pulled us into the food line telling us that she had forgotten to invite us over for food, to "come, come eat." She kept waving us into the line and was very persistent. I was afraid we would be offensive if we didn't stay, so we stayed. Barbara was very nervous, and to be honest, so was I. Robert has told us about some of the foods that he has eaten at church (They eat together a couple times a month after church on Sundays, and the youth eat together every Sunday). Rob doesn't care for ginger either, and that is used heavily in Vietnamese food I think. So, we were all three very brave and tried some new things. I was very proud of Barbara, who is a vegetarian and also picky. She tried some small bites of several things I my plate after I fished out and ate the meat for her. The people around us were very friendly and we talked to a couple as much as our language barriers allowed us to. We sat with Robert and some of his friends from the youth group and school. He does fit right in there, and I can see why he likes it. We did the right thing by allowing him to attend there. We also heard that "Robert is a good boy." (from the pastor's wife who came up and grabbed Rob by the arm to tell him that and reached up and patted Robert's cheek. She said, "He is good boy, he sing in Vietnamese." She told us several times that he was a good boy, and it made me feel very proud.

And yes, Robert did sing in Vietnamese. It was very neat and moving to see him up there with his friends and youth leaders singing in another language. I sat there beaming at him, and thinking of all the years since Rob and I decided we wanted to get married- from our engagement to our marriage to our years of being young parents of young children, to the toddlers and babies that crawled and ran through our apartment, to preschoolers swinging on the swing set and sliding down the slide, to the "movie nights" we used to have together where we all slept in the living room together, to learning to teach a kid to ride a bike, to all the ear infections, surgeries, hospital trips, to the arguing siblings, to all the good times and wonderful memories, to every stage we've been through... I know there are a lot of things I could have done better, and there a few things I wish I could "redo," but as I watched him, I thought, "With God's help we did good. We have raised a son who loves God, wants to go to church and serve Him, who is not prejudiced at all and doesn't see skin color or eye shape or hair color or language as a barrier between people, just as another wondrous way God made us." That was what I set out to do when I said I wanted to be a mom- to bring up kids that would love and live for God and who would not go into the world and cause hurt but would love everyone no matter the outward appearance. Yeah, I could find things I should have done better, but in the end, Rob and I have "done good." Not perfect, but pretty good.

"Why Me?"- this is not what it sounds like

There is a beautiful Christmas song playing right now. It's supposed to be from Joseph's perspective asking God, "Why me? I'm just an ordinary man. Why her? She's just a young girl... Why here? etc. etc. etc. It made me think about all my blessings and the problems I've seen others face, even in my own family. I have asked God "why?" many times, and I know I'm not alone, but I decided to turn the "why" around because God could just have easily not answered prayers in the ways He has or He could have chosen a different path for my life. All would have still been God's work, but seriously, why does God work the way He does? I don't know, but I am thankful for all the blessings He's given me, all the times He's been with me in the hard times, all His help, His forgiveness.... So, really this is just a "reverse thank you list" between God and me.

God, why me?

• Why me? Why did you die for me? Why do you keep on loving me and forgiving me when you, alone, know how wicked and undeserving I really, truly am?
• Why did you bless me with Rob when I was only 16 and give us a good marriage?
• Why did you keep us married through some pretty hard times?
• Why did you give me three wonderful children?
• Why did you protect me and the unborn children I was carrying in through car wrecks, health problems, poor nutrition, etc.
• Why did you spare Matthew's life?
• Why did you allow me to be what I wanted- a wife, a mom, a teacher?
• Why do you allow me to see the hurts and wrongs in children's lives and be there for them and love them and be loved back most of the time?
• Why do you bless my daily work and allow me to be able to work with children and families?
• Why do you provide our daily needs?
• Why have you blessed us with a nice rental home?

God, I don't really understand why you have loved me at all, why you have blessed me with a wonderful family and a good marriage, or why you have taken care of me all these years. Sometimes it is especially hard to understand when I see others (friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, the homeless people I pass daily) who have lost children, had marriages fail, been through tough times. But I know You are with all of us who call on You, and I know You have been with me. I just want you to know that I am thankful for all that You have done for me. And I am so thankful that You would look down from above and see this very undeserving person and choose to be involved in my life. I'm grateful that you've helped in all the ways you have, and that even though I have had problems, too, You've never left me or forsaken me.

God, thank you for choosing me- even if I don't understand.

And, God,

Merry Christmas

Strange Conversation With the Boss

Yesterday, I had to talk with my principal about a "scenario" that might be a problem due to county policies and our sue-happy society. It has to be the most unusual conversation I've ever had with a boss before. Basically, I had to ask permission to use the restroom. :)

Now, Dawn, was very good about it, and pointed out to me that in many jobs you have to ask permission (factory work for one); we agreed thought that it didn't probably occur in any other "professional" job, She also commented that it was a real statement about what teacher working conditions are like when a teacher cannot even use the restroom in her own classroom without permission.

The only reason this came up is because I am back on the medicine I was supposed to be taking all along, but quit when school started because of this very issue. So, now I am back on it and I won't be able to "hold" it all day as I was doing before.

Lovely blog, huh? :) Just wanted to record this for future giggles or to ask myself, "Why on earth did you put that on your blog? :)

Smiles from me :)

My Trash Basket

Momma sent me a forward the other day, and as I'm home with an attack of vertigo lying here in the recliner with Barbara's school laptop, I finally took more time to look at it. It was a "cute kids' saying" type deal which I usually love.

This one really made me think after I laughed. Kids often speak the truth in ways so deep they don't even know. Makes me think of the saying, "...out of the mouths of babes."

• One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

How true this is. Lord help me to forgive the people who have put trash in my basket. And please help me to not be guilty of putting trash in others' baskets. I never really thought about it like this before. Instead of keeping junk around and being mad and hurt about stupid things and having to pray and ask God for help to forgive (which is okay too, I know), but maybe I could just start saying, "Oh look at that piece of trash someone dropped in my basket; I don't need that, let me just take it out of here..." I don't know, I'm probably just slow, but thinking about it like that, just really gave me a visual image. I can just see me nonchalantly and without anger just picking up some yucky thing someone said to me and tossing it aside without really having to take time to get mad. Like the next time someone stares at me or giggles when the fat lady walks by or a coworker is snide or gets offended at me or my teenagers get upset with me because I am being a mom and doing my job or about a million other countless things.

WOW, that is really, truly deep!!!!

Dizzy

I woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well. I stayed home today thinking if I slept and did nothing it might help. Now it's 10 something at night, and I'm so dizzy it's not funny. This morning I thought I ate something that didn't agree with me or had a little flu bug, but now I guess I know what it really is...

I have something called Meneire's Disease. It causes spells of vertigo, hearing loss, and assorted other issues. I've had it for a while, but it wasn't diagnosed, officially, until this past March. It's not much fun.

So here I sit, trying not to move much, holding my head as still as I can, waiting until I absolutely can't stand it anymore to get up and do everything I need to do at once. I am feeling terribly guilty about staying home from school today and knowing I shouldn't stay home tomorrow, but not wanting to drive or go to work feeling like this either. I've been doing better for a while now, just minor hearing problems that worsened from time to time and short spells of ear ringing/roaring that didn't last too long. But over the last couple months or so, I've been noticing more and more issues with hearing. I haven't heard my cell phone ring countless times. My kids get aggravated at me because they have to repeat themselves a lot with me. I can't hear a thing in the cafeteria unless you're sitting right in front of me or next to me and I still have to try to read lips or turn my head towards whoever is speaking, and I'm having troubles in the classroom and on the playground too. A lot of times I just try to act like I hear my coworkers or kids or students and try to figure out what's being said, on a time delay- sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. Some of my coworkers don't understand and, to be honest, I don't think they even believe me. I laughingly told my principal I was going to get a Dr.'s note, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't do that.

When these "bad spells" happen, I struggle with wondering how I am going to do my job and drive and be a good mom and wife and live with these spells. When they ease up, it's bearable. Right now, though, I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach, my ears are hurting and ringing. I hate this!!!!!!!!!! I've been really trying not to say much about this to Rob, my family, my coworkers- I've said some I know- but I've tried not to let on how much trouble I'm having. I'm sick of me, and I know there's nothing that can be done anyway. If I'm sick of me, how much more is everyone else?!!!! Besides, everyone has their problems to deal with; no one needs to add mine.

So, God, it's me once again. You know I've got this dumb problem, and it's getting worse. My hearing is starting to really be an issue, and although it didn't bother me at first, the thought of having permanent hearing loss is bugging me a bit right now. And right now, I've got the vertigo big time. I need you to take care of this so I can get up and go to work tomorrow or if you want me to stay home and rest, then I need to not feel so guilty all the time about missing work. I don't really think I miss that much, but You know me- I always feel guilty about something, don't I? I'm a real piece of work, God. Bet You wonder about me a lot don't You. :) Hope I still make You laugh sometimes, though. I try to please You and be humorous to You too. I crack myself up sometimes, anyway. Does that count? :)

Good night God.

Ouch!!!!

Today I did another "classic" Rebekah move- hurt myself accidentally.

I think I might have broken my pinkie on my right hand. A similar injury to the time I hurt my left hand when I was engaged to Rob. Grace is my middle name. :):) :)

So, tomorrow Rob will go out and buy a splint and tape my finger up. For now, I'm typing with one and a half hands. Loving this.

Clumsily me, and yours,
Rebekah

Godmother 2

Yes, it's the sequel. :)

No, seriously, it's just some pictures now. Maria sent the link so I could get them and I wanted to put a picture or two or ten :) up to remember this special day in our lives. It was beautiful, and it was an added bonus to have my own kids there with me.

So, without any further ado, meet my godson, Noah Brooks!!!!

Now, I really HATE pictures of me, but I even like this one! :) Of course, anytime there's a good looking young man in the picture, it helps make everyone else look better. :)

And last, but not least, me and my young people, whom I ADORE!