Merry Christmas from North Carolina

Help a Great Class

Please pardon this slightly "commercial" post.  My class is having a bookfair through Barnes & Noble.  We are trying to raise enough funds to purchase a small group set of certified, pre-owned Nook Colors.  We have two Nook Colors funded through Donors Choose, so if we could get a few more we'd be set for some great small group work!  Who knows if we raise enough money, we could even purchase some e-books for them too. :)

Here's how you can help:

Shop on Saturday, 11/24 (the big shopping weekend after Thanksgiving) at any Barnes & Noble bookstore anywhere in the nation and give the cashier our bookfair # 10928604.  A portion of your sale will go to my kinderkids. It's that simple. :)  And you will be helping a great group of kids who are eager to learn to read this year!

You can also shop online from Saturday 11/24 through Wednesday 11/28 and enter that code at checkout. 

Please feel free to pass on our class info/bookfair # to anyone you know who might be interested in helping by shopping or spreading the word.  If you would like actual, paper flyers/vouchers to hand out, please leave me a comment/email me (ebekahray@gmail.com) and I will be MORE THAN HAPPY to mail you some to pass out to your circle of family/friends/colleagues.  The thing about this I love is that anyone, anywhere in the US can help!

If you are in the High Point area, stop by and say hello on that Saturday!  We are going to have lots of fun things for the kids- a special guest reader, book giveaways, Craft Club table, candy, storytime, and school art show/display throughout the store. :)

On behalf of my kinders and myself, THANK YOU for helping in any way you can!

forgiveness

Just a word- forgiveness.  Easy to say, not easy to give.  Heard a song on the way home about forgiveness, and it occurred to me that I have a forgiveness problem.  But what really got me was when I started thinking about it, the person I just can't seem to forgive the most is me.  I wish I knew why.  

So here I am trying, once again, to fight this stupid battle of self-loathing.  I am not perfect, far, far from it.  I am not a holy, spiritual, Christ-like, devoted-to-church, never say a naughty word, never get angry, always happy, pat answer, Bible-verse spouting, "God is good all the time, all the time God is good" (though that may be true) kind of person.

I'm not like some who pride themselves on being calm, cool, collected people who never get uptight or let things get to them.  Someone was telling me about how they are like that, and I left thinking how they probably think I'm a crazy, psycho, nutcase because I am so obviously not like that.  Somehow I felt like less of a person after the conversation, and I really felt like less of a Christian.  :(  I wish I were that person, I really do. But I am not. I wish I didn't, but I do get upset about things I see at school, things that happen in the world.  I cry when I see someone else cry.  I weep when I hear about someone dying or being murdered or raped or other horrible things.  I care about people I've never even met and pray for complete strangers. I hug children - lots and lots and lots of them.  I hug homeless people and strangers.  I have given coworkers kisses on the cheek without thinking and then been embarrassed later because that was probably the most retarded thing I've ever done.  I don't know why I do these dumb things.

I have doubts and ask questions about God, about church, about the Bible, about life.  I don't doubt God is God and that He has it all figured out.  I just wonder a lot of things.  I have never really fit in church, but I really feel like a misfit now (and whether some like it or not, or will agree or not, I really am one).  I recently was asked to go out with someone from church, but after an email back, that offer seems to have vanished in the wind.  I don't even know what I said, and at this point am too embarrassed at what I must have said foolishly, once again, to go back and look at my sent box.  

I feel guilty because I love children, have loved teaching for a long, long time but am just so tired of the politics.  Tired of the way education is going, tired of all the other stuff, and then I feel guilty again because what kind of teacher am I? 

I wish I could just say what my family, friends, counselors and lots of others have said to me.  I wish I could believe it.  I wish people could understand that just because you tell me or give me a compliment doesn't make it so in my head.  But most of all I wish I could forgive me.  Maybe someday I'll arrive there.  I hope so.

And now I have to say I'm sorry because you probably think I'm just a negative person for posting this.  I promise I really am a happy person.  I laugh a lot- a LOT.  I smile and joke around constantly with my "kids" and my family and most of my coworkers.  I just don't like me.  Please don't judge.  I do it enough for you and me.

I Do Believe

My heart is heavy tonight.  A student from my first class of students was murdered with his girlfriend, and I feel silly but it is really bothering me.  I care deeply about the students and families I work with.  Once you've been one of "my kids," you're always one of my kids.  As is often the case, God talks to me through music.  I heard this song on the way home from school.  Maybe it was just coincidence, but I felt like it was God talking to me and telling me it's okay to question and wonder and have doubts.

Yes, I do doubt.  I do question and wonder, and I try to do it as respectfully as I can.  I'm no idiot- He's God, and I am not.  I don't question Him like a spoiled child throwing a fit, but more like a kid who really wants to understand her Father and is having trouble.  He made me the way I am, and He knows the things I've gone through in life and how they have helped me become who I am.  He knows I have this silly, ridiculous-sometimes heart that cries over the hurts of others & that cares, perhaps too much.  If He doesn't want me to ask Him honest questions, then I hope He will move me to someplace where I don't have to see things that make me wonder.

Until that day, no matter what, I still believe:

• that He is God, and I am not (thank goodness for that!)
• that He is good 
• that He loves us all
• that He forgives even the worst things and His mercy is forever
• that He cares so much more than I can possibly imagine
• that even in the darkest moments of pain that anyone goes through He is there 

Jeremy Camp says it way better than I ever could because, unlike this stupid, sappy, cry-too-easy teacher,  that's how God uses him. 

Projects

So before Rob and I left for Illinois, I was a busy girl working on bunches of thank you, just 'cuz, birthday and anniversary gifts to take with us.  I had the whole back seat of the suv we rented loaded down. :)  I had a lot of fun making stuff- haven't been able to do that in ages!!!  Someone asked me to share photos, so here we go.

 homemade coasters

homemade trail mix as part of my gift baskets plus some for the trip and some for the young people of course 

 a s'mores bag with all the items and tools needed to make s'mores

 A card for my friend-daughter, Rita, who just got back from Spain

 a bunch of cards for my aunt

 I made neck pillows for my aunt, sister, and all five of the Thomas crew

And now, one of God's projects-

 I had to share this- when we were leaving for IL, we stopped to fill up the gas tank.  Rob found this beautiful moth.  It was HUGE!  

 Isn't it beautiful?!?!

God makes the most wonderful things!

30 Father's Days

Today was the 30th Father's Day since my daddy left us.  It hit me in church as I heard my oldest singing.  He never knew my kids or my sister's.  He never knew Jessica or me as adults.

I know it probably sounds silly, and I can't believe it sometimes, but even after all these years, I miss him a LOT and it hurts sometimes still.  I have held it in today like I do most of the time when it hurts, but I wondered as we stood together, the five of us- what would our daddy think of us girls?  What we he think about his grandchildren and son-in-laws?

I miss him.  I can't believe it's been 30 years- how did that happen?  Man, that sounds like a long time!!!

Happy Father's Day Daddy.

Rob's Special Day

Barbara saw this idea on the net somewhere, so she and Matthew put their money together and made this candy card for Rob.   It's cute and he was pleasantly surprised.  Of course, Matthew is especially happy because he'll be eating the candy I'm sure. :)

My best friend :)

 I found a video and recipe for this- Zebra Cake.  OH. MY. WORD.  This was so simple and so delicious!!!!  Matthew and I had a fun time making the whipped cream and layering it all together and of course, licking the beaters and bowl. :)  I thought it looked good, and since the recipe had some history behind it, I thought it'd be neat for Rob (a history teacher).  This recipe was a World War II recipe women used as it was ration-friendly. 

 It was sooooo good. :)  Barbara asked me if we can make more tonight. :) :) :)

Let Summer Come :)

I am taking the last day of workdays off. :)  I have to work in July- probably 2 weeks- and several days in early August and then we go back by mid-August, so I am ready to have some time to relax!  Today my two younger kids helped me finish up and we sorted all my math file folder/teacher made games.  I have a lovely tub for K, 1st, and 2nd all sorted and labeled by the math objective/standards.  I will have to sort the literacy stuff in the fall, but for now I turned in my key and walked away.

I don't know what grade for sure I will be in; I have been told where I'm likely to go and it will mean moving grades and classrooms again for the 5th year in a row- ugh!.  I don't want to go for a lot of reasons, and I'm praying that something changes.  I'm praying that I will be okay with whatever happens and that the issues I have with the move will be removed for me.

I enjoyed the afternoon with Barbara & Matthew.  We went out to eat some yummy Mexican food after school, came home and relaxed a little bit then did some cleaning and rearranging up in the hallway. I finally got started moving stuff into Robert's old closet. :)  Tomorrow I will move my craft things up to the hallway area and try to get it organized and my kitchen closet uncluttered (it's become a huge pile of everyone's stuff just thrown in).  Rob cooked tonight, and he, Matthew and I just got done with a short bike ride/walk.

Looking forward to this summer; it will be very different with a lot of time for just Rob and I that we've never had before. We got married very young and started our family early, so it's always been us and the kids.  This two of us thing will be new but good. :)   I've bought myself a Nook and a bunch of books (pleasure reading and teacher reading) so I'm looking forward to reading for myself again.  I am enjoying my Nook so far! :)  I also plan to really get acquainted with the Common Core as it will be consuming everything this year at school.

Oh, and two other exciting things I wanted to share -  Barbara got her driver's license! YIPEE!!!!!  She is now driving and super excited!  And I seem to be really losing weight.  :)  I haven't said much to anyone and I don't want to jinx it.  I've got a long way to go, but the scale and my clothes are saying that I'm slowly going the right way.

So Summer 2012- let's get it started!  We're going to have a lot of fun!

Surprise, Surprise

 PLEASE don't think I'm bragging- I am so afraid of getting prideful or something.  I'm posting these for my Momma who has threatened me that I will be in BIG trouble if I don't share the good stuff. :)

Yesterday was the last day of school, and in the afternoon 1st & 2nd grade had their awards program.  I was sitting there like a big dummy when Mr. Johnson said he was going to present this award to a teacher this year (usually goes to a volunteer or community member who does stuff for the kids).

He said that he'd like to give every teacher an award at our school and how wonderful our teachers were, but that this teacher would be so surprised and embarrassed at getting this award.  There I sat, looking like a complete idiot, looking around the cafeteria wondering which teacher he was going to call and hoping I'd get to see his/her face so I could see the surprise and happiness, when I realized he'd called my name.  I was SO embarrassed; he was right.  I started crying and walked up on stage only because I knew I had to.  I thought I would hurl my stomach was so upset from shock and nerves.  I whispered to him, "I don't deserve this."  and I truly don't.  I can think of others who do lots and lots for our kids and who should get this award.  But I am honored that such a great guy as Allan would choose me anyway. :)  I wasn't going to post this, but Momma and my daughter, Barbara, have sufficiently scolded me. So I'm trying to be an obedient daughter ;) and setting a good example for my daughter who pointed out that if she ever got awards she wasn't going to tell me because I would obviously think it was bragging..... ouch- she got me there!

Only four more work days- ugh!- and then I'm done. :)  Talked to the boss today about where I'm going next year.  Not really thrilled about it right now, but hopefully I'll acclimate to another grade level change and another classroom move (my 5th year in a row to move grades &/or rooms).  Since it's not final at this point, I'm praying maybe it will change and the wish I have will come true, but praying most of all that God will put me where He wants me and that I'll do great there. :)  Hopefully in a month or so I'll know what grade I'm teaching next year and what room I'm in.  Hopefully my two youngest will be available to help me move classrooms yet again. :)  I am so grateful for those young people of mine and Rob who have helped me deal with this each year!

Time for Goodbye

Tomorrow is the last day of another school year.  How funny that the last days seem so far away for much of the year, and yet at the end of the year they fly by.  Curious.

I've done just about everything I needed to do- just about. :)  Yesterday was one goodbye with one of the kids who left early for an out of state trip with her grandmother.  Tomorrow I will put on my shades, walk out to the bus lot and tearfully wave goodbye once more as I do every year.  I always feel like a dork crying, but oh well.

Today I had several (and I mean many) "old" kids visit me, a couple asked me "Do you still love me, Mrs. Thomas?"  And "my girl" - the one I moved to 3rd grade for- oh, that girl, how I do love her.  She asked me over and over today (and last weekend and many other times this year), "Do you REALLY love Mrs. Thomas?  Will you REALLY always love me?"  Breaks my heart sometimes when I hear her ask that thinking of the reasons why she might have to ask that of someone who she knows loves her.  I got a long hug from one of my 1st graders today.  When I asked her the reason for such a great, but long hug...she said (get out the tissues), "Mrs. Thomas, I just realized I only have one more day to hug you."  Sniff, sniff, sniff.  One of my boys spent part of the day sitting very near to me and the other part of the day on the other side of the room with this terribly sad face.  His mom texted me tonight to tell me that he'd watched our class movie and cried three times tonight.  Another boy brought me another sweet note (he has given me several this past month)- it made me tear up- "Mrs. Thomas, you make me laugh and when I am sad you make me happy.... Love, Guess Who."

I don't know how this happens- how I get so attached to my kids year after year after year.  I go through this every June, and I hate that it hurts them and me.  I tell my kids every year that goodbye is part of life, and though it hurts, we must do it.  I try to do it gracefully and without drama and still let them know that they take a part of me away with them.  I try to make sure every year, that my kids KNOW that I love them (and then I pray that His love is what they really find out about somehow someday).   I've wondered why I am so affectionate and attached and is this wrong or weird....  But I think I've just about decided that maybe it's good.  Maybe these kids need someone to love them like this, maybe they need to know that there is someone out there in the world who loved them enough to cry when they left.  I just hope and pray that my small amount of time with them and the love I've tried to share will help them through the hard times to come.

God go with all (all 18 years) of "my kids"- I had them for a little while and sure have loved being their teacher.  Keep them safe, let them know they are LOVED and cherished by their crazy old-lady teacher and most of all by You. Help each and every one of them to make it, to find happiness in their lives, to be all that they were meant to be.

Goodbye 2011-2012 Kids, your Mrs. Thomas loves you very, very much!

yard pictures

Our hostas are really starting to fill in this area on the side of our house.  These hostas came all the way from my parents' home in northern Illinois. They moved with us from the rental home to this home three years ago.

This corner of our backyard was all lawn when we moved here.  I slowly have been adding stuff each year the past three years, and finally this last week I have finished filling in the whole corner.  I now have my very own butterfly garden; something I have wanted for a long, long time!

 My much loved lamb's ear plant has grown huge.  The bumblebees love it!

 a new addition this week- blanketflower

I found this today with Robert - bee balm.  It's a prettier, brighter purple than this picture shows.

I love this- Veronica- so pretty!!!

I've heard my parents talk about butterfly bush for a long time, and last year I finally found my own.  I bought two, and now it is blooming for our first time together.  I can't wait to see it all in bloom.

Last year's coreopsis spread to new locations, and now it is a neighbor to my echinacea.

Not a good picture, but tonight Rob and I planted three verbenum under the Japanese maple; hoping it will like it there and fill in that area.

I've eyed pictures of yarrow online, and today Robert and I found some.  I bought three- a pretty peach and two shades of pink.

White lavender

I've wanted a hydrangea for as long as I've been an adult.  The last couple years I have eyed them, but they're always so expensive.  I found this small one today for $13 at Lowe's.  That price I can do, so I finally have one. :) :) :)

I'm sore but proud of myself.  I'm trying to be more physically active.  Between Saturday and today I spread 25 bags of mulch out and planted many flowers.  I can't wait to see my garden each night and watch everything grow this summer, and especially see all the butterflies and hopefully hummingbirds that visit.

Beauty from Ashes

Isaiah 61 says "...To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit." Message Bible



Heard this song on the way home from school the other day, and oh how it fits what is going on in my head right now.  I'll try to not ramble too much.

I know you're probably tired of hearing it, but last year was hell.  Sorry, truly I don't mean to offend.  It was the worst year of my life as a teacher.  I went through the fire and back again with my kids, with colleagues, with administrators, and most of all with myself.  I ended the year feeling like the world's biggest failure.  I've spent so much of this year thinking on how it went last year, wishing I could have been stronger, wiser, more patient, more of something that would have made people like me more and me hate myself less.  Most of all I have felt like a washed-up piece of wasted mass, waste of space, waste of breath, waste of God's time.  I didn't see how I could have done anything good with the time I had last year- I spent most of it (seriously) dealing with kids' serious behavior, emotional, mental, physical needs and very little time (I'm ashamed still to admit it) actually getting much accomplished academically.

Yet as this year has progressed, I slowly began to see growth in some of the kids I taught last year.  Some successes, more smiling, less tears and tantrums.  I have tried to stick with those kids this year, followed up with their teachers, took them out to eat, checked in on them, bought their class candy, snagged them to help me with  projects, taken one out on weekends, bought another a Bible when he got saved & baptized (THANK YOU JESUS!!!).  I have tried to keep telling them what I told them over and over and over last year- "I love you on the good days, and I love you on the bad days.  Nothing you will ever do can change that.  I believe in you, and I know you CAN do great things with your life."

And last week we had the EOG's (end of grade tests).  If you don't have kids or yours are grown, I really cannot do it justice or explain how HIGH pressure these things are. It's insane, truly.  I went up each morning last week and visited my old kids, two especially, to give them one of my big hugs, smile, tease them a little, tell them I loved them and was so proud of them.  I whispered to them to remember when they got tired or frustrated or hit a rough problem/section, to not give up, just take a mental break and keep on going.  That was always the problem last year.  I am still beyond words thrilled at how my school did compared to last year- big growth from our kids!!!! GO KIDS!!!!  And our 4th graders really grew from where they were last year- GO 4th GRADERS!!!!!!  And my two special friends- well I am SO HAPPY with how they did!!!!!  And I hope they always believe what I told them.  Most of all I hope that as they get older they see that the love I had for them was really His love and that He will always love them, never leave them, and always will believe in them and what they can do.  I pray that His love will carry them through the junk in life that will come their way, that has already come their way.  I pray that for all the kids I have taught over the years.  I pray for the ones I didn't touch, and I pray especially for one very hurting boy who moved away and I will never know how it turned out. Oh, how I worry about him.  I pray for him often that in the mess of life, he will have hope and be able to make it.  He represents several hurting kids I have had the privilege of crossing paths with.  Rob and I both have several of "these kids."  We still pray for them and always will. It is my deepest hope and desire that someday I will find in heaven my own three children, and that I will meet all my other "children" that I prayed for all these years.

And my kids this year?  I was blessed, oh so blessed, this year.  I had other issues this year that I didn't see coming- a minor surgery with some complications, a busted ankle, a crummy back, the illness and death of a family member- all causing me to miss more work than I've ever missed.  Thank God for a sweet, good-hearted group of kids!  God knew what I needed after a rough patch.  Many, many times this year I have felt like a failure, and I have lots of things I wish were different about me, about the way my classroom looks (I don't have the perfect, "cute" room), about the way I taught..... but that is me even on a good day. :)  As I sit putting the kids end-of-year movie together, I see photo after photo after photo of smiling, laughing faces.  I hear the little video clips of kids sharing ideas and laughing and talking to each other.  I realize, even on my worst days, I am a pretty good teacher.  (Did you read that Momma mine???? I can say that now!)

And almost as if on cue from Above, a student left me a little surprise on my table today that I found while the kids were at music class.  I sat in my dark classroom (I like to work in the quiet & dark while they're gone) and cried a little.

It's like God spoke to this eight year old's heart and told her what to say to her teacher.  How else would a kid know that her teacher thinks so little about herself most days?  How would a kid who sees me laughing, cracking jokes, teasing kids, and hugging people ALL THE TIME know that inside me is a very insecure person who thinks she is not that hot of a human being?  I am going to keep this note forever with me- maybe frame it and keep it at my table with me.  I had a talk with her on the way to the buses this afternoon to thank her for my note and ask her how she knew that I felt that way.  She reiterated what her note said once again, "It is a goooood thing Mrs. Thomas.  Don't you ever feel bad 'cuz you are a good teacher."  From the lips of God through the hands and mouth of a kid I love.

Thank You God for making something beautiful of me, out of the ashes of a lousy year, out of the hurts and wounds of children I love, out of my feeble efforts, big mouth and loud laughs, out of my joking and teasing and cutting up with kids, out of the million hugs I give away each year.  Thank You for not giving up on me or my kids. Thank You for using this rose (Rebekah Rose) to bring joy to kids, and them to me.

Robert's New Clothes

Robert is working for Duke Energy now.  Today he came back to this "home" to get some more of his things on his way to his new "home" from work.  He picked up the work clothes Duke bought him and tried them on for his mom. :)  So here is our firstborn, a Duke Energy substation technician. :)

I know I'm partial, but he's kinda handsome.  :)

LOVE YOU Robert Michael Dale!!!!

God's Master Plan or Our Sinful Nature?

Dear God, today I heard a poem on the radio that made me think about things I try to push to the back of my mind most days.  I push these things back because it makes me sometimes angry, sometimes sad, often fearful of what other Christians would think about me if I shared, and always makes me wonder what you Yourself would say to me.  Then I remember that You can read my mind and know my thoughts anyway.  Hopefully You see the heart behind the thoughts and know where it really comes from and why I struggle with this.  You know where I've been and why I am this way even if it bothers me to be the way I am.  I remind myself that at least You won't judge me or condemn me.  I have to remind myself of that often, but You already know that too.

The poem was read by a dj on a Christian radio station that I listen to daily.  Let me say up front that I'm sure the poem's writer and the dj who shared it had the best of intentions and are very sincere in their views and beliefs.  I am not putting them down.  I just question a lot and don't think I can quite agree with them.

The poem says we are who we are for a reason- it's Your divine plan.  I used to 100% agree with that too.  I used to think You had everything planned and ordained in our lives- from our conception to everything we do, to the exact moment of our death.  I thought You had an exact will for everything we do in our lives.  I'm not so sure of all that anymore.  I'm not saying You don't; I'm simply saying I wonder about this now a lot more than I ever did before.

The poem says that everything about us is in Your plan- from the way we look, to the the parents we had (that one is my favorite)- it says "no matter how we may feel, our parents were custom designed with God's plan in mind and they bear the Master's seal."  Here is where I start to differ from what I used to think, what some Christians think.  You didn't really intend for me to become a lardbutt did You?  I mean, really, that was my fault- I can't blame You for that, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't in Your divine plan that I let myself go and didn't take care of myself.  I did that to myself.
But God, the part that bothers me the most is the parents part of that poem.  Please forgive me if I seem sacreligious or disrespectful.  I know You're God, and I don't really have the right to question You.  I don't mean it that way at all; I just don't understand and really wish I did.   God, I don't see how the neglect, abuse, the horrible things so many kids are being raised amidst- how can that be God- approved and part of Your master plan?  I know You can take bad things and make good come from them, but do You really wish such evil on children? You designed parents to do/allow such evil in their children's lives?  Isn't it more a result of the sin we carry around inside of us than that You planned it at our conception (or before)?  God, what about the kid I had whose family said outright in a meeting with the principal and me and the child present, "Nobody wants you, you do know that don't you?"  God, I know you saw that poor child's face and the hurt in the eyes.  I will never forget that.  That is Your plan for him?  What about the little girl I had who was battered by her mom's boyfriend and has permanent brain damage and a physical disability from the beating- You ordained that?   The little girl I taught in my first job whose mom's alcoholism caused her to kill her daughter?  The child whose mom was prostituting herself with an open door between her daughter and me right there in the next room?  The kids who have watched their moms be beaten, who have seen violence I can only imagine right in their own home? The siblings who hid from the cops and were left home alone when their mom was arrested? The kids who don't get anything to eat after they leave school either because their families have no food or they don't have parents who are capable, able, or willing to take care of their kids?  The kids caught between two parents who fight all the time?  The kids who don't know they are loved?  And that's just here in the U.S.  What about places, God, where the real horrors of war, famine, disease, and true poverty exist?  Where kids and families know things I cannot even imagine?  Do You really plan such atrocities for them as part of Your plan that we are supposed to just say so glibly, "It's part of His master-approved plan so I should just sing lalalala and go on my way merrily?"  Really?

I struggle with this Father.  I try to  trust You, and I always will.  Even if that is who You are, I have to hope that You know best, but God I don't like it.  At.  All.  I know I'm too sensitive and that I probably took that poem in a way it wasn't meant, but I have grown so tired of the pat answers and scriptures quoted so easily to a hurting person.  Tired of people who don't know where another has walked giving them all the right answers without seeing into their hearts.  All I know is a lot of kids who have their whole lives ahead of them, but who were doomed from conception to a life of poverty, violence, and living through the mistakes of their families, and without a miracle are likely to repeat the cycle again and again.  And, God, I just can't believe that this is part of Your plan for us.  There has to be more. 

Our first one to leave the nest

Robert left home today to start his big adventure of life on his own. Goodbye Robert. We will miss you but look forward to being here to help you get started and to cheer you on as you go. We will love you for always. Mom and Dad

Dear God, please go with our "baby boy."  Please keep him safe, give him favor in his work and with his neighbors. Help him learn all he needs to, help him be good at his work and love it.  Most of all God, please keep him in You always.  Thank You for him and for 22 years with him. Thank You for helping Rob and I parent him.

I hate my emotions!

I am trying to remember that this will pass as it always does.  But I am not feeling "the love" the last few days.  I don't know why; I do know I really hate when I get this way.  So in an effort to help myself get it off my chest, I am going to journal it here. 

We had a lot last month.  Really, I've had a lot this year, none of it a big deal or anything worth complaining about, just a lot of stupid, little things.  I'm trying to remind myself of that.  But then, the psycho Rebekah kicks in and tells me that it's just me making excuses and being a weakling.  If you could see my mind and hear the thoughts that I think about myself- well it's upsetting to those who love me, humorous to me sometimes how messed up I am, and probably seriously pyscho if a counselor or shrink could see what my brain thinks when I get like this.  I tell myself that if this were my sister, my mom, Rob, or a friend, I would be saying things like, "You've had a lot to deal with this year- surgery, infection, injury, death of a family member, major life transitions, work stress.... cut yourself some slack."  But this isn't someone else; it's me- the crazy one.  Grrrr...., I'm such a mess of a person!

I didn't want to go back to school Monday morning- had a really tough time emotionally.  Got to the parking lot and just sat in my car wondering if any of it is worth anything anymore.  Then I prayed and asked God to help me suck it up and put on my big girl pants. :) I went on in, had a great day with my kids and was fine.  Until after school meetings.  Nothing went wrong, everything was fine... but because of me being who I am and partly because I teach two grades and can't be in both places at the same time- I miss out on info and being part of a team sometimes.  I often feel like the fifth wheel (and in this case I am the 5th teacher on both grade levels so it cracks me up to think of it like that).   Then Tuesday we have this staff meeting about dealing with stress- which stressed me out and the whole time I thought it was ironic and funny in a weird way that a meeting about not being stressed was causing me to be stressed out.  Some of what was said hit home- life changes that cause stress- many of which I am dealing with, symptoms of stress, the negative self-talk....

What it all comes down to is this.  I was made by God to be a teacher; it's all I've ever wanted to be, all I know.  I can't believe I can say this now, but I am a good teacher.  Because of God helping me, and life experiences I've had, I'm good with kids & families.  I love being with my students in our classroom- it's a safe, fun, loving place to be.  I'm sick to death of meetings after meetings and yet more meetings, trainings that teach you nothing you didn't know already, six million demands from higher ups telling your boss to tell you to do it this way or else,  the constant demands being added on and piling up, assessments that stretch halfway to heaven or higher, the constant infringements on your time in the workday and in your personal life- oh wait, do teachers get to have a personal life???.  I just want to teach- to be with my kids and help them.  I don't want to try to impress every big whig who walks through our lives, try to compete with others for bragging rights or recognition, collaborate on every minute detail of my daily life, evaluate others (I'm a full time job myself folks!).....  Teaching is not what it used to be, and I'm finally really getting sick of that.  They are like vampires sucking the life and joy out of the only thing I've ever known as a working adult, out of the one thing in life I feel like I am good at, out of something that is a huge part of my identity.  And it hurts, and it's tiring.  I'm so afraid because when I read what I wrote, I am afraid it's burnout, and I don't know how to deal with that.  I've been fighting that for a couple years now and it's not getting better.  The teaching profession is getting really bad! :(

Then, I'm worried about Rob; he's hurting and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish I could take that away for him.  I wish I could make it better.  There's the hurt of losing a parent which I get.  But then there's the hurt of abandonment, divorce, and so many other issues I can't share here because they're not mine to share.  I can't fix that.  I'm hurting, though it's not the same- nowhere near it and I would never want to say it is.  Still I'm bothered a lot by my mil's death.  Lots of questions I have that can never be answered, guilt- lots of that-I'm ashamed of my failings as a daughter-in-law, wishes that will never be able to be fulfilled.....  That bothers me a lot, and I can't tell anyone. 

I'm oh so proud of our oldest son, Robert.  He's grown up into a fine young, Christian man.  I am excited for him to start his new adventure with his new job and living in his own apartment.  I am ready for him to leave the nest, but I am also sad to see him go.  I know we'll still see him and talk to him; he's too much like me to just leave and never call/come by.  Still, what will life look like when he's not here every day and I don't talk to him every day?  He'll make new friends and we won't know anything about them.  He'll do things and go places and move on without us as he should, but it will feel strange.  I know I have no right to say these things really.  He could not be here; he almost wasn't. I  am very aware of how blessed I am to have him and have to these issues.  Please don't think I am taking it for granted.  It's just an adjustment and now that it's here I am having mixed emotions.

I'm so behind on things I need to do, but am working on my list slowly trying to get it all done.  I did get all our taxes done and in the mail (thanks to Matthew for going to the post office on tax day!).  I have caught up and am keeping ahead slightly on my lesson planning.  I have to do some peer observations and get those entered online, prepare for all the testing stuff starting next week.  I still have to deal with my mil's bills and write the thank you notes from her memorial.  I've put that off, and I feel bad because I've broken whatever funeral etiquette there is out there, but I had other things pressing and now I just honestly don't want to open up the book from the funeral home.  I have to make myself do that this weekend!

After clearing out my mil's apartment, I want to make sure I am more organized and not a clutter bug, but there is not time for that in my work/life week, so I'm trying to be patient with myself and tell myself it's okay to get through the school year first.

So anyway, the whole scoop is that Rebekah is screwed up mentally for those of you who don't know it.  I am trying to cope with it, remember that these are just feelings and not necessarily really the facts, that I am my worst critic and that I am exceptionally good at being critical of myself.  This will pass and in a few weeks/months I will semi-like/tolerate myself once again.  I keep telling myself that these are normal emotions, that many of my colleagues probably feel the same way, that it's okay and I'm not a horrible human being.

But for tonight, I am tired, in physical pain, and oh so ready to end this school year.

Zoe and her Uncle Rob

Rob loves his niece- that's an understatement.  While we were home the first time to check on Rob's mom, my sister, Jessica, brought Zoe and Momma down to surprise Rob.  They played at the park for a few minutes before we went to the world's best pizza place- Roma's! Then when we went home a few days later to take care of Rob's mom's memorial we took a day and went up to see my family for a reprieve from the "stuff."  These are a few photos from Uncle Rob's time with the world's most adorable niece.

"Look Uncle Rob."

Rude, Uncle Rob!

She must have known her Uncle Rob needed love.

She did NOT like wearing Uncle Rob's hat!

"Here Uncle Rob, you have a drink."

"That's enough now!"

Playing with Uncle Rob on Grandma & Papa's floor.

"My Aunt Beka, what HUGE feet you have!"

My sister, Jessica, and Zoe waving bye to us as we go back