Thanksgiving

I know it is the norm for people to express thanksgiving at this time of year. I'm not trying to be cliche, and if you were my FB friend you'd know I've been trying to take time every day to express my thanks for I have figured out just how blessed I am. But what I'm learning from the past year or two is that even when, at the moment, I might not "seem" blessed, I still am. I am learning in my late 30s' and now early 40s that time adds perspective and with perspective you can start to get a glimpse of a bigger picture. I can only imagine God's perspective- how amazing it must be!!!!

I can see how those unplanned pregnancies were some of the greatest joy-givers in my life. I can see how three babes in diapers under the age of three years old grew up to become the laughter, joy, spunk in my life and how much richer my life is for having them. When I feel lousy about myself, which we all know I do fairly often, all I have to do is listen to my young people talking/laughing/joking, listen to them talk about the world or their passions or about God (that's the BEST!), and I realize I this- I may have done nothing else right in this world, but I did that! I helped to raise three amazing, wonderful young people. That's no small feat! That's a lot of hard work and persistence and love and tears and tons and tons of prayers. I had a hand in that. The world will be a better place; they will touch the lives (already have) of many others and how can I not at least be thankful for that? How can I not be blessed by being their mom? I

am! And I am so thankful that I got to be their mom and that we have each other and that I finally realized all this before it was too late for me.

I can see how that man I took vows with has become my best friend. How those hard times we struggled to make it through, where we loved each other but probably didn't like each other so much at times, how they helped pull us together and wound our hearts together so tightly. I can see that because we made it through that junk we are now bonded together so much more and so much better. And because I didn't give up on Rob and Rob didn't give up on Rebekah, we have a friendship, a companionship that survives other rough times and makes them not seem so bad.

I can see how all those times when we could barely pay the rent or worried how we'd keep a roof over our heads led to me TRULY appreciating buying a home in a way that I wouldn't have if I hadn't ever had those worries. This place we live is so much more precious to me than it would have been otherwise, and crazy as it sounds I am so thankful that it took so long and so much to get here because I am really, really grateful to God for a home.

The same with food- because I have gone without, I am so much more thankful for having food on the table. Not a day goes by that I don't open the pantry or frig and see food there and think, "Thank you God that we have food in the house to eat."

And now, because I have known a minor degree of helplessness and having to depend on others through an illness/injury, I have a new appreciation for being able to do for myself and I look forward to being able to cook again, prepare my own plate, and do all the things that I took for granted before.

And what seemed like the "year-from-you-know-where" last year has taught me a lot, and I actually am thankful for that. I think I am turning out to be a better teacher for that year, and I'm finding out that even in my hardest time as a teacher I still helped some kids somehow-that one is totally on God. And for that I am more humbled and thankful than I could ever say. It's really a moment of awareness when you realize that even when you are brought down a notch or two or a lot by your critics, God can still use you- that God doesn't listen to the critics. And that God used me at all in the midst of all that hurt, betrayal, and anger I felt last year, that God could use me to reach some hearts in some bruised children... well I am honored to have been there. And yes, I know after all my hurts and venting I did last year, I am actually thankful that I got to be the teacher that was there. I thought I had failed, and that thought drove me crazy last year, but I am finding out this year that maybe, just maybe I didn't fail Him or them. And for that realization I am very thankful.

There are so many other things I could say I'm thankful for, but the material things really don't matter. I'm thankful for the loved ones I have, for God opening up the lines of communication this year with a couple of my cousins that I have dearly missed & that they loved me enough to come out here to spend time with me and mine- what a gift- they will never know how much that means to me. I'm thankful for time with my family, for His provision and care, for being able to be a part of so many children's lives over the years, for the love I get to give every weekday (and for the love He sends back my way through the smiles and hugs of some pretty neat children). I'm thankful that even though 1,000 miles separate me from my "home" family, we still have each other and remain close. I'm thankful that this year my sister and her husband have a little bundle of love named, Zoe Nicole Rose, to share Thanksgiving with. I'm thankful that Momma still has Pop with her this year and that he has her too.

So this Thanksgiving, though I may not be able to cook the meal as I'm limited to crutches still, I am going to take time to say thank you to Him for helping me to see the really, true blessings in life and for helping me to grow up some more, for helping me to have a heart of thanks in a time when I could have not.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. I hope He shines down some extra love, laughter, and joy to you wherever you are!

Rebekah/Beka/Bekaboo :)

I COOKED!!!!

I know that sounds silly, but after not being able to for a while now, I'm so happy to have been able to help cook supper. Tonight I made all of us homemade veggie fried rice. So yummy!!!! And it's healthier too because I don't use much oil and no extra preservatives or stuff- just egg, brown rice, veggies, fresh chopped onion & garlic, sesame oil, soy sauce and black pepper. mmmmmmmm :)

And a sweet, cute, funny thing I heard today in my room- When I took a few steps (and I am talking just a few) with just one crutch, one of my kids saw me and told the other kids- "She's walking!!!" Then I heard the kids saying, "Mrs. Thomas, you're WALKING!!!" I turned around to see my kids clapping, cheering, and smiling from ear to ear. Kids are so funny!!!

So happy to be getting closer to "normal"- got a ways to go yet to be back to good health all the way, but I'm happy to be one day, one step closer today. And so happy for the prayers of many. Today one of my sweet girls told me that she had asked her church to pray for me. So somewhere in High Point is a Spanish-speaking Baptist church praying for a very silly, very clumsy teacher. Talk about feeling loved tonight! :)

Tonight when you pray can you pray for a little girl from my "back home" who is in desperate need of God's intervention? Her name is Marissa, and she needs a miracle from heaven.

little reflections

I've worked two days in a row! :) If (make that "when") I make it through tomorrow I will have worked more in one week than I have in the past three weeks. :) Here's to my new favorite #- 3! :)

I have a new/better appreciation of some things after the past two or three weeks.

• Continuing to grow in Christ- for that I'm more thankful than I can say!!!!!! I am finally getting better at handling trials- I hope this lasts, not the trials but the growing up in this area!!!! I've tried to be tough and strong many times in my life, but always felt like a failure at that. This time, I kept laughing, kept smiling, kept thinking about the positives, and (fingers crossed) I think I am about to leave that storm behind.
• my family- words just can't say enough how much they mean to me. Through all this stuff I've had my family's prayers, love, calls, texts, facebook messages. And here at my home, my husband and children have taken such loving, good care of me. It makes me cry when I think of how good Rob has been to me- from helping me bathe and dress to waiting on me hand and foot to picking up the slack around everything else that needed to be done that I couldn't do, to cleaning up after I got sick- he's been a dream husband. Matthew has been super sweet to his mom. He has taken naps with me and watched movies with me while I was trapped in bed. He talked with me, joked with me, bought food and fixed me delicious, healthy lunches, helped me get up and down, came to check on me when he heard me crying... he's just been so good to me!!! We've had some really nice times together these past few days. Barbara has helped me bathe and dress and laugh and taken care of me. She's kept me joking and making fun of myself and keeping it light. :) Robert works out of town during the week, but he's called me and texted me and sent me pictures of the ocean while I was in the dr.'s office to cheer me up. He's prayed for me. My Momma has worried and prayed and called and worried and prayed and called. I have a new appreciation for what my Momma must have gone through with her cancer battle- I just can't imagine it all, but this gave me a tiny, tiny taste of what being ill for a while might feel like.
• Being "able-bodied"- I try to be thankful for things. I don't take a lot for granted- there were really hard times in our marriage and family, and I see a lot in my job- so I know I'm blessed. But still, I never really understood how awesome it is to be able to do for myself. First it was surgery, then I got the silly staph infection/allergic reaction, then I did a header in the parking lot. Now, I am doing better day-by-day, but I still need one of my guys to help me get up out of the chair. I can't get a shower without Rob or Barbara helping me. I just started driving again today. I haven't been able to carry anything, and then on crutches can't even go fix my own plate of food or get a glass of water. I have had to have help to bathe, get dressed... I don't like to ask for help, don't take help easily, don't like to be needy... All of this has helped me appreciate simple things like taking a warm shower, driving myself to work, being able to walk and move on my own, putting on my own shoes....
• Being able to work- after last year I can't believe I'd say that- but working is feeling pretty stinkin' good to me this week. :) Nice to feel needed by my children, missed and loved, and to feel like I'm contributing to something, to my family, to my school children... I was beginning to feel totally useless- not a feeling I liked!
• being healthy- I didn't have cancer or major surgery or even a serious injury. But those combinations of things I did have put me out of work off and on now for three weeks. I've drained my sick days. I'm so grateful to be feeling better today (was SO sick last night), to be starting to move around more easily. I'm SOOOOOO looking forward to being totally back to good health, able to move easily, walk without taking headers, and get back to walking and losing more inches/weight! I will NEVER take that for granted again!

I can think of more, but that'll do for tonight.

I have loved this verse for years, since I worked for a really mean person way back in Illinois. This verse got me through some really rough, long days. But after all this stuff that's been going on, this verse has taken on new meaning. And a personal hope that it can be taken LITERALLY. :) :) :)

Psalm 121- I lift up my eyes to the mountains; where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip. He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you; the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm. He will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Night!

prayers please

I'm going back to work (again) tomorrow. Please pray I don't fall again, don't get tripped up or do anything else stupid. I'm really not feeling too hot, my hand is getting infected, and I'm still on crutches so I hope this week goes quickly. Most of all, I'm praying I actually make it through this whole week without any sick days or any other "issues." I haven't worked a full week the past three weeks.

Hope your week is drama free and full of joy!

Rebekah :)

I think I need a bubble. :) hahahahaha

I have tried twice to post an entry here, but Blogger and I don't seem to get along the last week or so, and it keeps losing my posts. :( Let's try one more time.

I'm alive and still laughing, though today I finally did cry. Twelve days ago, I had surgery on my back. The doctor took out a grapefruit sized tumor. I had a local and made it through with flying colors- no tears, didn't holler or be a baby about it. Came home, started recovering, stayed tough. For me, who is always hard on herself, I was proud of myself for being a "big girl" about it all.

Went back to work last Wednesday, two hours in, my incision started bulging. The short version is I have a staph infection. Got medicine, doc was concerned about it possibly being MRSA... by Thursday night I was starting to have an allergic reaction- stupid me went on to school Friday thinking, "Oh I can make it through the day... until I go in anyway for my followup." Yeah, no. Had to leave after lunch because my throat was feeling like it was swelling. So I started a new prescription and Benadryl. By Saturday I was feeling lousy- sinus stuff on top of everything else and I just didn't feel good. Still, I was trying to be tough.

Today on my way into school, I fell in the parking lot. Busted up my knee really badly and one hand, and have a badly sprained ankle. Doc doesn't think it's broken, but says he thinks I have torn all the major ligaments in the ankle. I am in a brace & crutches and waiting for an ortho appointment time. This is painful, and I have to confess I did cry today. I made it through the bloodied up knee and hand and the ride home, through the appointment, but when I got home and remembered (oh yeah!) I had to get up some stairs to my house, I started crying. I am home, in my pj's and have some lovely pain medicine left from surgery plus the prescription he gave me if I need it. I can't go to work tomorrow since my class is going on a trip to the circus. :( I feel so bad for being out again, but I'll get through it I know.

Right now, I just want everything to be healed up, the infection to go away, and to be able to walk with my husband and sleep in my bed without pain. The good news is even with all this stuff, and the lousy back, and not being able to walk for a while now, I'm holding my weight loss pretty well. :) :) :) So, how's that for a BIG HUGE "I like me" today? :)

So even though, I feel like crud, am embarrassed about falling and looking like a clutz (which I am), I am still making way in the battle against the lard. :) I WILL get better, my back will heal and the staph germs will go away, my ankle will get better, and I WILL get back to walking with my hubby and back to losing weight. It may take me a while, but I am going to win this war against my fat.

In the meantime, anybody know where I can buy a big bubble? I think for my own health, maybe my family needs to wrap me in a bubble wrap or a big bubble. My dear daughter, told me she thinks the family should all go in and buy me a Hover-round chair. hahahahahahaha Knowing me, I'd still find a way to injure myself and fall even with that! :)

Okay, here goes. Let's see if Blogger is going to let me post this.

Love,
Rebekah/Beka/Bekaboo :)

home from hospital

Made it home from the hospital this morning and survived my surgery, which is always a good thing. :) :) :)

These GORGEOUS flowers came from my wonderful parents. Thanks Momma & Pop!!!! They are really the prettiest flowers- LOVE LOVE LOVE the sunflowers and the autumn colors and the ribbon. Looking forward to being home to enjoy them these next few days.

So the short version is the "thing" is out of me. It was very large- about the size of a grapefruit. I have 25 stitches and steri-strips to show for it. There was a nerve wrapped up in the tumor- believe me I felt that! It was a wee bit painful at times and I could feel some cutting, but I made it. I kept telling myself, "I can do all things through Christ." and "I'm saving myself an anesthesiologist's bill this way." Barbara gave me her dog, Red, to take with me and I squeezed that poor thing to death a couple times. He has been to every family surgery since I bought him for her when she was three and had her tonsillectomy, plus he has traveled on all family trips and many of my adventures too. He went to Asheville with me in August for my work retreat. I woke up this morning to see my beautiful, compassionate 20 year old standing beside the recliner with Red in hand waiting to give it to me. I LOVE that girl o' mine!!!

I hated being away from my students; I had to work really hard yesterday afternoon to not cry in front of the kids because I could see the sadness and worry in their faces, words, and actions. One girl brought me a special personal belonging that she wanted me to have to think of her. Yeah, that almost made me cry too. They didn't want me to go and kept asking me this week, "Mrs. Thomas, is your back better? Are you going to be okay? ...." Barbara said they missed me today but did a pretty good job for the sub. They're going to be disappointed on Monday when I'm not there, but I hope I can make it back in on Tuesday with lots and lots of hugs (gentle, avoiding the back kind of hugs, but hugs anyway).

So now I have pain meds and a wonderful family to take care of me. I'm home until Monday anyway and pray that there are no complications in the hole in my back. Here's to hoping I feel better soon.

sweetest email ever!

I have never received an email from a student before. I had a 2nd grader who tried to email me yesterday but didn't know quite how to do it. We talked today about it; he had been visiting my class website and was so excited to see my photos and learn more about his crazy teacher.

He is one of the most thoughtful children I have known. I could tell you lots of stories. He hugs me EVERY day and then gives me another hug and says (every day, seriously) "Mrs. Thomas, please hug Barbara/Matthew and tell them 'goodbye' for me." Every day. When the 2nd graders left for their trip the other day, he came running back after they'd left with Barbara to hug me one more time and told me, "Mrs. Thomas, please tell the 1st graders I will miss them and I said, 'Have a nice day.'"

Today, I told my children very, very briefly today that I would be having surgery and would miss a day next week. I tried to keep it low key and very positive. I don't want to scare them. I came home today to find this email from my young friend.

"hey mrs thomas i will missyou are you goning to be oka i dont want to stay with mrs huks ar you goning to come back ar you gon fill bether dont for get to sent something back as soon as you can beybey or rith now"

Oh, God, THANK YOU for helping me to survive last year. Thank you for letting me love those kids last year who needed me to love them and be in their corner. And thank you for giving me this group this year and such loving, thoughtful children. Thank you for helping me to learn and grow from a hard place, and then blessing me with a joyous, peace-filled year so far to help me heal and regain my "groove."

And God, THANK YOU more than I can say for the wonderful results from one of my "last year" friends on her benchmarks this week. Maybe You helped me make a real difference after all. I am loved. You are showing me that. This week another teacher came to me to tell me that every kid she has asked said I was their favorite teacher. Wow! That stunned me!!!!

And then one of my kids this week asked me, "Mrs. Thomas, why do all the kids know you and hug you and shout at you?" THANK YOU God, for loving me through all these children, and more importantly letting me love them for You.

Blessings

I think I've shared this before, but I am really being reminded of this lesson in the last few months.

19 years

I should be asleep, but before I finally crash I wanted to write this down as a small prayer between God and me.

Thank you God for being there - always.

Even in the darkest times. You really are.

When it doesn't seem You are there. You really are.

Even when one can't sense Your presence. You really are.

When life hits you so hard it takes your breath away. You really are.

When you think you can't survive or go on another moment. You really are.

When no one is on your side and the world seems to be set against you. You really are.

And someday, down the road, you can see things more clearly. You realize that God was there through it all. And you're oh so humbled and grateful.

And, God after 19 years with a child I almost didn't get to have, I'm still humbled and grateful for every moment of every day of every one of these last 19 years. Thank you for my "gift of God," Matthew Lane Thomas, born 10/20/1992.

But most of all, God, thank You for being there 19 years ago when life fell apart and got really hard, and for all the other hard times in our lives (there have been more than a few, God, and You know them all and have been there for them all) that You were really there and I just couldn't see You. Thank You for not giving up on me then, or now. Let me never forget You and Your faithfulness. Let me be just a little more like You each day.

Hi

I miss being here! Teaching two grades sure is a lot of work, and I am going solid every night and most of the weekends. When I go back to just teaching one grade, I am not sure I'll know what to do with myself. :) But I'm keeping up, staying pretty organized, keeping my classroom looking nice... thanks to a lot of work on my part and two pretty AWESOME young people who volunteer in my room a couple days a week each. :) :) :) Thank you Barbara Rose and Matthew!!!!! I have a great group this year, and we are off to a great start. It will soon be the end of the 1st quarter already! :)

Rob and I took a mini-retreat to Asheville last weekend. We had to do schoolwork in our hotel room, but it was so nice! I have a love affair with the mountains I tell you!!!! We got up on Saturday and ate breakfast at the hotel and walked around downtown A'ville- such a neat place. I got a start on a few Christmas items too- can't wait to send my niece her gifts for her 1st Christmas! :)

I'm having some issues with my back- an ongoing problem for a few years now, but finally maybe I'm going to get some help and hopefully some healing. I started physical therapy this week, though I cried all the way home because I can't afford to do it. He says I need to come 2-3 times a week (at $65 a visit- YIKES!!!). I won't be doing that, but hopefully he can still help me. I also see a surgeon this week for the removal of a tumor in my back. The p.t. doc says that has to be causing some of my problems, so hopefully I'll feel better down the road.

My smiles lately include:

• taking time to get away with my hubby/best friend
• the mountains- God sure made a BEAUTIFUL world!!!!
• fall is here!
• getting back my "groove" in the classroom- thought it was gone forever, but it's coming back, and for that I'm more thankful than I can possibly say :)
• refinancing our house - thank You God for a home after all these years and the opportunity to lower our payment too
• Saturday grocery trips with one of my young people- LOVE that time just them and me. Matthew and I always play this guessing game as to the final price of our cart. Barbara and I always pick on each other while we check out. Whoever is with me, we always make the cashiers laugh and smile. :) I like doing that!
• weekends home with my family- my haven from all the craziness of life
• phone calls from my Momma- she doesn't know how much I love that!
• leaving phone messages for my Momma at her work on my way to school- knowing it will be the beginning of her workday when she gets them :)

prayer request

Please pray for my sister and her hubby and infant daughter. Jessica has meningitis and Scott is starting to not feel well too. Please pray for Zoe and my parents that none of them will come down with this.

Thank you SO much for your prayers!!!!

Rebekah :)

Thinking of a friend tonight

I've been working hard all night on grading papers, evaluating my 2nd graders place value pretests, creating a spreadsheet to do said analysis... Matthew & I also made my fruit dessert for the 4th grade teachers tonight.

But I've been checking on a friend too in between all that. Today was her daughter's first day of Kindergarten. Her daughter, Hannah, died a few years ago, and I knew today was going to be quite a day for her. I'm sitting her crying after reading her blog. Her Hannah sure blessed a lot of people in her short time here. Her bus driver still remembered Hannah, and is still carrying a card Hannah made for her all these years later.

Rach, I don't know if you still come here, but THANK YOU for sharing your Hannah with those of us who visit you. Thank you for being honest and real with everybody- the good and the painful. I'm praying for you sweet lady!!!!! And sending you hugs and a lot of love tonight!!!!

God is love!!!!

Oh wow, I just got done writing and then watched this video my sister sent me. Talk about timing and reading each other's minds! :)

God is love!!!!

Christians give God a black eye sometimes. :(

Disclaimer: I am a Christian, but I have NEVER claimed to be much of one- in fact, I am often saying how I am not a good Christian. I know that I am sinful, have major issues, and am a long way from where I want to be, let alone far from the mark God wants me to be. And because of that, I don't go around spouting scriptures or trying to tell others how to live their lives. I know that I am a full time job and am no expert in a position to tell others how it is supposed to be done.

Now, on to my soap box. :)

First of all, I know Facebook is not a place for truly intelligent conversations. A while back, I "liked" the Bible page on FB. A few weeks ago, there was this huge, ugly debate there about tattoos. It was truly ugly. People were quoting verses from Leviticus right & left and saying how people with tattoos were going to hell, that God hates tattoos, etc. Other people were quoting a scripture in Revelations that talks about Jesus returning with a mark on his thigh (and saying that sounded like a tattoo)... It truly got to the ridiculous point. I broke my policy of not talking religion and politics, and stupidly commented with some scripture about how we are supposed to love one another and isn't that the way we are known... A couple days later it was still going on and I stupidly again posted a comment about how it was wrong for Christians to be tearing each other up so much. I will NEVER again break that policy of mine. Just dumb. People that stuck in their ideas aren't likely to be convinced anyway. I just get upset. Moving on. I now no longer "like" the Bible- at least on FB. :) That just kind of cracks me up. I do like the Bible though, so don't worry.

Today I see on Casting Crowns page this comment, "Well I've been thoroughly rebuked for mentioning Amazon since apparently they sell books written by sinners. Go figure." Seriously??? Give me a break! I'm just not going there. But really people.

I think a lot of judgmental Christians either need to read or reread the gospels. They must have missed Jesus' life. Folks, he ate and associated and "hung out" with SINNERS- oh my!!!! People accused Him of being a drunkard because of who He associated with. Jesus did not condemn people (oh so many he could rightly have done so too). He didn't cast the first stone, he ate at the tax collector's house, he was friends with a prostitute. Maybe I have it all wrong, but it sounds to me like this Jesus we find in the gospels wouldn't have been liked by our modern-day church people either. Oh my, maybe He would even have had a tattoo. He probably would have hung out with the homeless, he might even have listened to rap music- you never know.

What I do know is that He told us to LOVE. He loved people from young to old, sick to healthy, poor to wealthy. He wept over a city filled with people who didn't know the truth. Over and over and over in the letters of the New Testament, I keep reading "love, love, love, love...." We are known by our love. We are to love our brothers and sisters. We are His if we keep His commandment to love... I think LOVE was a big deal to Jesus and still is.

So why do we go around beating each other up, what in the world do we expect the "outside" to think???? We represent Christ, God's love, and we supposedly want to bring others to know Him. Well, I know if you were telling me you were some follower of a great teacher but you acted rude, called each other names, told each other where to go (as it were), I would think your teacher was awful and have nothing to do with him/her. As a public school teacher, if my students say I'm the best but they go around unable to read, not able to do basic math, write horribly, the public would say I'm not a good teacher. The same thing is happening every time we Christians tear each other down.

It can't please God at all. I think it has to hurt His heart a great deal. And though I'm so far from what I need to be too, it all just makes me sick. To be honest, it's a lot of why I'm just done with church. I go, and will continue to work on improving that, but sometimes my heart is just not in it and this is mostly why.

God, help me to not judge others and be this way. Help me to change my own sinful ways. Let me not give You a bad reputation or black eye with my words and deeds. Help me to bring You honor through my life and the example I live. I know I have a long way to go, but help me get there.

Out of the blue...

I had a good day at school. I am enjoying my new students. My daughter and son have volunteered a lot and helped me much more than I could ever say or repay! I came home and have had a nice evening with my husband and Matthew.

Then out of the blue, it hits me. It hasn't been here for a few days. And now it's back. And I hate it. I wish it would go away. Maybe I'm just pyscho.

And, why, I ask myself, am I doing this tonight? Why did the blues hit me hard? Because somebody said something and it made me feel like they think I failed. I'm tired of being told, "You're back where you belong." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in the past month. And, I don't know why that statement bothers me at all, except that it makes me feel like all these people think I sucked and failed last year. I'm tired of hearing about bad teachers and how badly our school sucks, and then to hear it from people I like or look up to, and I'm hearing it more and more from people I care about. I know my school is a "failing school," and I don't make excuses. I am HARDER on myself than anyone could ever be to themselves. I don't think anybody could push themselves more than I do myself. Yeah, I agree that graduation rates and test-pass rates around the nation are atrocious. I just am struggling to understand how that many teachers are that bad. And am I one of them?

I think anybody who knows me knows I CARE about my kids, probably more than most. But what if that's not enough, because these days it seems it's not in most people's books. And caring a lot doesn't give the almighty test score a boost, and that's all that matters.

I hope I wake up with "it" gone because right now I am just very, very blah.

On a happier note:

• I am so thankful for my WONDERFUL young people. I have the BEST kids in the whole wide world!!!!! Barbara & Matthew have been volunteering in my classroom and helped me tremendously get moved and unpacked and set up. My new kids love Barbara & Matthew too, which is sweet! :)
• Thanks to my kids' help and a lot of work on my part, I am more organized than I've ever been in all my years of teaching- even with two grades in one room!
• My classroom looks nicer than ever before, and I've gotten lots of compliments on it. It's so nice to walk into each morning- just makes me smile. And at the end of the day, I know it's silly, but I just look around my room because it looks so good. :)
• My new class- they're sweet and eager and my biggest problem, so far, is some chattiness and a class clown or two. No violence, no racial slurs, no fighting and bullying, no drugs or weapons. Refreshing!
• Charlotte, who co-taught with me last year and still believes in me- she will never know how much that means to me. She doesn't think less of me and still wants to be my teaching partner. :)
• A 4th grade teacher came to me today and what she said just touched my heart so deeply. She probably will never know how much it meant to me too, but being needed and helping others just makes my day. And she made mine! :)
• Payday- we made it to payday. Sure we are major overdrawn and behind on bills; we didn't have enough to make it all the way, but we made it. Thank God for a job and for money coming back in once again, even if it is less money than last year.

Limeades for Learning- please vote

I'm needing to get serious about work stuff- have Donors Choose screening to do, lesson plans to write, assessments to score and analyze, spelling words to upload online, and bills to pay (thank God, we made it to paydays again!)...

But I have to put my plug in (sorry to seem like such a beggar). It's that time of year again when Sonic does their Limeades for Learning deal. This is such an awesome way to help a teacher you know & love or even one you don't know or love, and it doesn't cost you a dime! :)

All you have to do is go here and vote every day with every email you have. You have one vote per email each day. Plus if you do visit Sonic between now & Sept. 30, you will also get a code to enter online for a bonus vote.

If you don't know any teachers who have projects on Donors Choose, I just "happen" to know a lot of teachers who would love to get some wonderful teaching resources and materials for their students. Here are a few:

• My hubby & best friend, Rob is trying to get netbooks to create a mini computer lab in his classroom. This project is for one netbook.
• Mrs. Hauck is a fourth grade teacher at my school. This is her first Donors Choose project ever, and I would sure like to help her get it funded!!!! :) She is asking for funds to purchase Time for Kids newspapers for her students to read and take home.
• I have a couple projects live right now, this one is for an iPod. I'm hoping to build a small set of iPods to use as a learning station as well as to use in having kids record themselves reading and listen to audiobooks and music. I'm trying to get them one at a time.
• There are lots of other great projects out there. You can search the site by state, city, county, school. If you are looking for other great teachers, search High Point, NC, Allen Jay Elementary!

Many thanks!!!!

Rebekah :)

Hurricanes and Other Things

Irene has come & gone, and other than a very windy day we didn't see anything here in our neck of NC. I have been keeping tabs on one friend to see if they made it through alright. I emailed a second cousin to check on her before/after, but haven't heard from her. I'm guessing she's okay, just without power, but I know her area was hit hard. I watched a photo slide show from the areas of NC & southeastern VA that were hit. OH MY!!!! It was so surreal to see photos of the Outer Banks and Morehead City. Oh, how I love that area- so beautiful!!! I just kept calling Rob, "Come look at this! Rob, come see this!" There were photos of Highway 12 that runs through the OBX, and the ocean has washed the road away in several places!!! I am praying for all the families who have lost loved ones or suffered losses from this storm.

Irene brought me a gift this weekend too. But first, I have to back up a little bit, or a lot.

I was pretty quiet in high school, just sat as far back as I could in class and prayed to not be noticed. I was in the honors classes and graduated high in my class. I knew all the kids I was in classes with, but usually sat there quietly watching and listening and never interacted much with any of them. They were all popular, partied and did things together. I was just the nerdy, shy girl in there with them. I didn't think that any of them would even really remember me, let alone like me. Hmmm... you couldn't get me to relive those teenaged years again for any price in the world!!!! I even graduated early because I was so lonely and miserable in high school.

Fast forward all these years later (23 to be exact) and lo & behold, a few of them do remember me and are now my FB friends. Who'd a thunk it? :) Certainly not me!

Sarah lives in the Norfolk, VA, area. Her hubby is in the Navy and is stationed out there. He had to go with the helicopters before the storm hit, and she decided to leave and not ride the storm out in case in got bad. She FB'd me and next thing you know she was headed to G'boro! So Saturday morning, she pulled up and hopped out, and she hasn't changed much at all- still the ever-present smile I remembered from class all those years ago! It was so nice! We tried to feed her a good home-cooked meal and chatted. Barbara was excited to meet Sarah too, and we ladies had a good time! I was surprised because it didn't feel like I was meeting a stranger I sort of knew from years gone by (which is what I would have expected), but it felt like I was meeting a friend I haven't seen in years. That's, I'm sure due to FB where we've been able to get to know each other a little. And as we talked I realized how a lot of those silly teenaged insecurities were for nothing as everyone else was dealing with their own very similar insecurities and issues. Oh, if this Rebekah could go talk to that one!

And the rest of the weekend- well it was normal life stuff- Donors Choose screenings, lesson plan writing... yeah, like that. And may I just say that I forgot that it is a bit challenging to fit two grades' lesson plans into mine. I am going back and forth between two grade levels' curriculum planners, two grades' lesson plans, plus a lot of other resources too. I better get going- newsletter, seating charts, reading logs, and more are still waiting on me.

One funny thing before I go. Saturday afternoon, while the wind was gusting pretty good and the clouds were swirling around (the sum total of the non-drama we saw from Irene), I heard an ice cream truck go through our neighborhood, and I PROMISE, I'm not lying, it was playing "Silent Night!" In August, with a hurricane brewing just an hour away and the wind, clouds, humidity churning up here quite a bit. I was sure that if I looked out my window, I'd see Rod Serling telling me I had just entered "the Twilight Zone." :)

School supplies

I'm going to be a beggar here. Sorry. If you don't want to read, please just come back another day. I promise I won't do it too much.

We were told on Friday that there would be very limited to no funds for instructional supplies this year. One ink cartridge for our printer, limits on paper, no money for field trips....

So as I sit here tonight trying to make my school supply list, I am stuck. Many (probably most) of our families at school can't afford much for supplies. Every year, I end up supplying a majority of what my room uses- extra glue, crayons, kleenex, soap & sanitizer, pencils, toilet paper even... I don't mind; it's what Rob & I do. We buy what our kids need to help them learn and don't even think about it.

But this year, it's August 21 & I've been overdrawn for at least two or three days. I have $100 cash to get us groceries and gas for the rest of the month. I can't buy anything for school right now.

And I am NOT the only teacher who is feeling the pinch after several years in a row of paycuts or pay freezes. So if you're a friend or family from home or just a stranger who visits here, and ONLY if you felt so led, I'm asking you to consider helping a group of hard working teachers at a school I know so very well. If you know of ANYONE who might help, would you please pass this info on? If your employer is looking for something good to do, could you share this info?

All of us could use, and would be SO grateful for extra supplies (if you're shopping some of these great back to school sales):

• looseleaf paper
• single subject spiral notebooks
• copier paper
• pencils
• erasers
• glue sticks, glue sticks, glue sticks
• hand sanitizer or soap
• crayons, colored pencils, or markers
• pocket folders
• page protectors
• Sharpies
• whiteboard markers and/or cleaner
• staples
• tape refills

Someone on Facebook also suggested gift cards to Walmart, Staples, or Office Max. That would be great too!

If anyone wants to help, please leave me contact info & I can send you my address at school. I will share anything we can get with my fellow teachers, or if someone has a particular grade they want it to go to, I will direct your gift to those teachers. I would be so thankful if you'd pass this info on to your colleagues, family, boss, church, anyone. THANK YOU!!!!!

Making this quick since it's right at 10 PM and I need to do lots of stuff still tonight. Just finished cutting out 70 yarn necklaces/chains and over 300 pieces of yarn for one of the activities tomorrow at staff meetings.

This was the fourth day of training, and I have to admit I got SUPER stressed when the tension level rose in the room. I think that's the problem- me and conflict are not bff's. I HATE when people are rude to one another, when people get snotty and are condescending. By lunch I wrote a note to myself and the teacher next to me. It said, "I've had enough estrogen for one day!" :)

But I made it. Getting a couple more students tomorrow! :) I like to have larger classes, and if there's anything I want it is to NOT get preferential treatment (combo class or not). I want to give no one room to say, "She has a smaller class." or "She has all the 'good' kids." or anything else like that. I pull my own weight!

One more day this week; praying the meetings go quickly and that we get a nice chunk of time to work in our rooms. My dear, sweet daughter has worked hard this week to help me get unpacked. We're almost there. Matthew came also and has helped and is going with me tomorrow to help me finish unpacking and get bulletin boards up. That's my goal for tomorrow. Then next week, I have to get the library, discovery, math, and literacy areas set up plus nametags, cubby tags, and all that other stuff ready plus my materials for Open House. Here come the long days! I'll post some photos next week as I get my room finished.

My :) for today:

• as always, having my daughter nearby makes my day- seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, when she stops and gives me a hug, when she can sense that I'm having a bad day or see the stress and she just grabs my hand and gives me our "secret" family I love you signal or a hug, and says, "I love you Mommy," seeing her love the kids I love- well all these things make it easier to get through hard days
• all the help my family has given me- moving me to my new room, helping me unpack and get set up
• my daughter's FB comments in defense of her ideas and in defense of her mommy :)- Go Barbara, you ROCK!!!
• my sons- Matthew & Robert- who sometimes don't mind me being mushy, let me give them hugs & kisses still, and help me out from time to time (Matthew, as I mentioned, has been a big help to me this week. Robert went out tonight and bought yarn for me with his own money tonight for this school project.)
• a lunch out with a coworker who insisted on paying- thank you friend!
• playing with some of my coworkers' kids today- chasing them in the hallway, playing tag, sticking out tongues, tickling... I love kids! :)
• made it through another day- thank you Father for helping me!!!!!!!!
• yummy grilled salmon and a salad for supper
• a back that is still hurting a LOT but is not quite as bad as the other day- thank you God!!!!

We heard today that we are not going to have money for basic school supplies that we might normally get some help with. This means that on top of everything I spend money on, I will now have to buy my own paper (lesson plans, learning materials, worksheets, newsletters, etc.), staples, tape, glue, etc. We can't ask our families for more since many of them are strapped for cash too. Pray for our school please- for our kids to have a good year, that they will grow & learn and make leaps & bounds in their learning! Pray for our staff to be in unity, to be encouraged and lifted up and to grow in their abilities, pray for our families that their needs will be provided and that they will grow as families. Pray for our nation and its leaders. We need some major changes in the education system.

Love to you all!

Rebekah :)

Day 1 is done

Today went pretty well. This training was good- well at least I liked it better than anything else we've had. Usually PD is hit or miss (often miss). This presenter was good, knows her stuff, was sharing very useful info and teaching us things many of us didn't know or clarifying misinformation.

I found out today that I do not have a class assigned to me yet; hoping maybe that will change tomorrow but who knows. I'm trying to relax and go with the flow, but I hope I do get kids soon. It's hard to listen to everybody making plans, to decorate and set up a new classroom, to work with grade levels when you don't know exactly what you will end up being.

And don't let me leave this out- let me just say I have the BEST young people around! Barbara & Matthew got up early and came to school with me. While I was in training all day, they started setting up the furniture in my new room, unpacking boxes and baskets and working on getting my room ready. Matthew made my door display- the neatest tree with a little owl and got the words cut out and everything laminated. Barbara is being the organization queen for me. THANK YOU YOUNG PEOPLE O' MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love my family, and am so very, very blessed!!!

My back started really hurting last week on the retreat by the end, and I am in horrible pain this evening. I went and fished out the pain medicine the doctor gave me back in March when it flared up then. So anytime now I am going to get sleepy (I hope). The recliner and I are going to be good friends for a few nights I'm afraid. I hate that because I missed Rob a lot today, but I cannot sleep in the bed when my back is hurting. :(

So, good night. Hope wherever you are, your Tuesday is filled with lots of laughter, some good hugs and tons of smiles!

Rebekah :)

What I got right today:

• no complaining or griping
• no words I regret from my mouth
• I'm still reading my Bible and doing my God-journal :)
• I volunteered (you did hear that right?) to lead two group activities at this Friday's opening staff meeting!!!!!! Do you know how huge that is????? I know it's going to hit me in a day or so, and I'm going to be wondering, "What in the world was I thinking?!?!?!?!" :)

My prayer requests for tonight:

• My cousin, Laura Beth, just had her first baby. I'm praying for her healing physically, lots of rest, and for God's help as baby, mom, and dad all learn each other and make all these big adjustments.
• My back- I NEED this to be healed. I cannot go like this much longer without a dr.'s visit, and I don't have the $, the time, or the desire to see the dr. again- especially when they'll just give me drugs and send me home.

Goodbye Summer, Hello 2011-12 School Year

Staying up late, sleeping late, reading, movies, Plants vs. Zombies, walks, laughter, visits from my family back home, cooking, relearning how to sew, family time- that's how I've spent my six weeks off. This was the first summer that I have not taught summer school, babysat, or tutored. This is the first summer I have not worked on school stuff, and oh how nice it has been! I started summer with my Momma, Pop, sister, brother-in-law, and niece here for graduation. On Fathers' Day, my cousin, Regina and her family popped by for lunch with us, and then in July, Regina came back and brought another cousin, Pam, to see us. They stayed for a few days, and oh, what fun we had- staying up WAY late, laughing like crazy women, shopping at every craft/fabric store in G'boro plus countless trips to Walmart- hehehehe, eating Regina's delicious cheesecakes, sewing and sewing and more laughing!!!! I've really relaxed and taken me-time this summer, which is something I don't think I've ever done before.

But all the time, I've been scared inside. I've told Rob and my Momma, but it's been more than I've even told them. The bad dreams about work started two weeks ago, and my stomach has bothered me more, but the anxiety has really hit this week. I have never been one to have anxiety/panic attacks, but I think that is what I am experiencing, and it is NOT fun. I know I'll get through this. I just wish I didn't have to. I wish that teaching had not become what it has. I wish it was still all about the kids and the politics and pressures weren't ruining it. I wish I didn't feel so burned out, so stressed, and so useless. But being totally honest, I feel completely like a waste of space and a failure as a teacher. I hope & pray I am not. Momma told me yesterday (and deep down inside-where it counts- I think she is right) that once I am with the kids it will come back.

I have some goals for myself for this year:

• get better organized- After moving around grades and classrooms for the past few years I have a lot of stuff and it's not well organized. Barbara is going to help me this week unpack my new room, declutterize :), and organize.
• be a better reading teacher- I feel that I am stronger at teaching math, so I want to work really hard on becoming a better reading teacher. I have bought a couple books that I am working on reading towards that goal, and am excited to try some new structures in my literacy block.
• have the data to back up myself- Last year I was burned by the "data-god loving people." Not this year! I plan to have a BIG data notebook prepared as I did before when I was in the lower grades, and it will include behavior data. See I'm pretty good with kids who have behavior issues, and if only I would have documented in cute, color-coded charts and graphs last year the growth... well I would have at least had that on my side. "That" woman still wouldn't have liked me, "those" people at work still would have said their snotty things and had their data to back them up, but I would have had something at least. I learned my lesson, and this year, it's all about the data! I will have data for math, reading, behavior, you name it- I'm going to have it! I don't have to like the game, but I will learn how to play it and play it well!!!! I have to avoid the dreaded "ineffective teacher" label so that I can keep doing this thing I was called to do.
• continue the good things I started this year, namely, taking care of me- I am leaving at a decent hour at least three days a week (not letting myself get sucked in more than I have to), walking regularly, wearing my pedometer - I love that thing!, eating well, drinking more water, writing down here some positives about myself, my day, my life- "I Like Me's" as Crystal called them. Plus I have started a God-journal, and I want to keep that with me daily so I can write down things between God & me no matter where I am.
• learn to forgive myself- now THERE is a challenge!!!!!

I have really come to the end of myself, but I am finding that God is there, as He always is. I'm so thankful for that because if He weren't, I couldn't walk into that door tomorrow. He was really with me this past week when I had to go to a leadership retreat- I felt so peaceful (of course the mountains have that effect on me too, but this was definitely God!). I know He will go with me and help me; I'm counting on that!

There is a Matthew West song, "Strong Enough" that I have heard but it really hit home with me this week. He sings, "I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. I give up... Lord I'm asking You to be strong enough for both of us..." That's me- I can't be what I'm supposed to be on my own, Lord. There are some kids and families who will count on me, and I can't let them down. I don't know how to come back from the burn-out, betrayal, and hurt I feel inside, and I'm scared that I can't "come back." But this I know. I was made to be a teacher; I have no doubt that God formed me for this work. I know He called me, and I know He is carrying me through this rough time. I wish I wasn't experiencing this, but I know I will learn something useful and when I look back I'll be glad for the experience.

God, walk in there with me and help me come back, please. Because this is a big part of who Rebekah is and she truly does adore those kids.

Ready or not, God, here we go. The school bell is calling us, Father.

***************************************************************************************************************************

For those who pray for me (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU), I might start putting prayer needs here too if that's okay.

• My back is really giving me trouble after last week's retreat and sitting in chairs all day. I need God to heal this permanently and help me. When it gets bad like this it interferes with my walking.
• I also have all the symptoms of a stress fracture in my left foot (have had one there before) and it is bothering me. I want to keep walking to get healthier. Please pray for these with me.
• All my old kids as they move to 4th grade, a few at new schools. Pray God will help them have good teachers who will see the good inside them and love them too.

Here is the Wordle I created for my classroom door! I LOVE the blues!!!!

Wordle: Mrs. Thomas 2" style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

I'm going to use this for a getting to know you activity too- let each kid make one for him/herself to share with the class. I have my "all about me" word list ready for myself to model and make mine for the kids! :)

Why am I like this???

God, I know You are forgiving and merciful and full of love. Why can I not just forgive myself and accept myself the way I am? Why do I treat myself so meanly? Why does it matter to me so much that a few people might be offended or not like me or not think I am "Ms. Wonderful?" Why am I like this?

Please help me Father.

I forgive other people so much more quickly than I do myself. You can be mean to me, lie about me, walk all over me, and I'll find a way to forgive and still like you. But when it comes to myself, I can't seem to forgive myself for any little thing, real or perceived. I know where the roots of some of this lie, but don't seem to be able to totally get through it. I start to better and feel better and then something comes along and sabotages it. This week it was hearing that two colleagues were telling others were talking/complaining about me to another teacher. Do I need to see the shrink or take a pill, Lord? You are the healer. Can't you heal my messed up mind?

I developed a wall this past year after so much garbage at work, and got angry. That wasn't good, but neither is being this mealy-mouthed, "I'm sorry for everything under the sun" person either. God, please help me to find the right balance in You. I can't go on like this crazy person.

I made my own purses! :)

When my cousins, Regina & Pam, were here, we had a lot of fun, laughed a lot, ate a bunch of good food, went to every craft store we could find in Greensboro and to Walmart so many times I lost count, and just had a wonderful, wonderful time!!!!

Regina bought me a springform pan, which I've wanted for a long time, and she made a cheesecake which we all loved. We loved it so much, in fact, that she made us a different one the next day, and then, the next thing you know, she made us one more the following day- so we got to try different flavors and compare. My kids LOVED it because I've only once or twice made cheesecakes since I didn't really have a good pan for it. It was like a cheesecake of the day club. :)

Pam taught us how to make bags/baskets and got me sort of out of my creative slump- or on the road back to being creative. After making one while Pam was here, and one after she went home, I got braver and have tried to make the bag with handles. I did it, and it turned out pretty good, so I tried again and have made myself my very own teacher purse/bag. :) So cool!!!!

Here they are:

I know you're going to think it's silly, but I keep looking at them thinking, "Hey, I did that! I actually made my own purse! Who'd of thunk it?!?" :)

I love the colors of this one! Blues are my favorite colors, and these prints just jumped out at me at Walmart! Then I found the lining fabric at JoAnne's another day & I was so happy with how well it went with the quilted part!

And now, my very own teacher bag. I am sooooo excited!!!!! I can carry this with me to my work retreat this weekend. When I get uptight, bored, frustrated, or whatever else, I can look at my purse and think happy thoughts. :) hahahahahahaha

Now that I think about it though, Pam & Regina did all that, and I didn't do anything but eat, laugh, and learn. I always was a deadbeat! :) I definitely owe them something for sure. :)

Not that they will see this, but Regina Baldwin & Pam Brown, I LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Rebekah :)

My Guys

Last night Rob had gone out for a bike ride and when he came back in, he was clearly in distress, but was having trouble telling us what was going on- he was obviously being attacked/bitten by something but we couldn't see what was going on. He was just standing in our kitchen, twitching and saying, "Oh!" Robert & I were trying to figure out what was going when finally Rob made it to the bathroom and the dog started tangling with a wasp/bee in the kitchen that followed Rob into the house and was chasing him into the bathroom. Rob got his clothes off and there were two more still on him, stinging him. Robert ran and got him Benadryl, and Rob is okay, but he has been hurting from the stings. He says he got stung four times, but I think he had more on his back. So thankful to God he is okay!!!!

Robert has had a horrible case of poison crud (I don't know if it's ivy, oak, sumac or something else- he's done this before and is VERY allergic to something out there). He is starting to heal from that, but is still really, really broken out all over his legs, stomach... Then Sunday while working he thought he got into more and came home breaking out in new places and was miserable. He showed me, but it looked different, and I wasn't sure. Yesterday he showed me again, and it was clearly spreading, but it was really odd- his hands have developed thick callouses from his work and whatever this is has spread under the callouses and not on top of his skin. He woke me up early this morning in great pain from this and asked me to pray. After we prayed, I looked at him closely, and whatever this is has spread on tops & bottoms of his hands and arms up to his elbows and he has it on his legs (around/on top of the poison crud he already has). I recommended he go to Primecare and be there when they open so he could get seen before he had to work today and maybe make sure he is self-treating it correctly. He called me later, and he definitely has poison crud but the new stuff is chemical burns from industrial cleaners he was using at work. Poor guy!!! They gave him steroids and some other drug to take.

I teased Matthew to look out. It clearly is not a good time for the Thomas men in our house. :)

Today Barbara & I went to Kristen's house and hung out with Kristen & Erin (gals I used to work with who have moved on to other schools). Kristen has the SWEETEST little two year old girl, Elizabeth. She was such a ham- she counted to ten, followed by "Here I come!" She sang songs for us, and was HYSTERICAL when she rolled her eyes at her Mom's request- best eye-roller I've ever seen! We laughed and cut up and shared "war stories" about school. I am always nervous when I get together with people (even my family for some weird reason), but once we got there I was perfectly at ease and fine and had a nice time. I forgot how they just take me for who I am and are okay with this Rebekah.

I came home and fixed a new recipe for supper. It was good- Gazpacho Salad- it was cooked cheese tortellini laid on a bed of lettuce, topped with chopped tomatoes, cucumber & red onion, drizzled with a homemade vinaigrette and topped with croutons. It was done in no time too! Plus more sweet watermelon, and Robert brought home cookies & milk. :) I've done some crafting and am going to call it a night now.

Random Photos

These are nothing big, but just some photos I took this summer and in my laziness, never posted.

Rob & I have renamed these two. Meet Unstoppable(formerly known as Barbara Rose) and Unmoveable (also known as Matthew). :) These two were being silly. He was sitting on the loveseat and she walked up and said, "Move!" So he laid down (he moved), so she tried to sit on him and it became this game. The poor dog was confused and excited at the same time and jumped up to be in the middle of whatever it was. :) They ended laughing and both refusing to give in. Funny young people!!! My poor loveseat has not been the same since.

The goldfinches love our sunflower patch. Rob was drying these heads to collect the seeds for next summer, but this guy (and his mate not pictured) was having a feast! They come back every day to eat in our garden. The female bird is quite brave; she will hang upside down, tail feathers in the air, to get to some of the more challenging seeds/flowers. :)

This beetle comes around a lot too. We keep seeing him, and I finally caught him with my camera. :)

Summer veggies sauteed up in a tiny bit of olive oil with garlic- yummy!

This huge sunflower is probably now my favorite. It is bigger than even the mammoths but has TONS of flowers and has been blooming for weeks now. :)

Meet our oldest son, Robert. He's a goofball. Here's a little story. He works long hours with a contractor. He always comes home hungry, especially on days he doesn't get to eat lunch or get a break. So he came home, made himself three hamburgers, and carried them all into the living room like this in one hand. He was just carrying them in one hand talking away (like he always does- yeah, he's like me). :) Then he starts giggling and says, "I have an idea."

This was his idea. He actually tried to fit it all in. That picture is too blurry to post from my laughing so hard too.

Here he was dying laughing. He can really crack himself up- and us too. I love my kids!!!

And then there's Matthew again. This is his idea of a "small bowl" of ice cream. :) If you come to our house and we have ice cream, you definitely want to be in front of him. :)

Cooking Chicken- exciting stuff I know

Okay, I know I'm silly. Who else posts pictures of bags of chopped, cooked chicken & pitchers of chicken broth? :) Me- I'm weird, I know.

I promise I had a reason. :) See, we've been trying to be healthier, and I just wonder about all the stuff we use to preserve our foods, so when I can I am trying to avoid processed, precooked, packaged/canned food. I am NOT a health-nut, but am just trying to be more conscious about what we eat. Plus, I am hoping to stretch out our food dollars. I never buy canned chicken; when a recipe calls for it, I cook up my own chicken. But I usually only buy boneless/skinless chicken breasts, and that is expensive to use. I thought I'd try to do this in a more economical way. So today I hit the 5 for $20 that Save-a-Lot does and got five big packages of chicken legs and thighs, came home and filled my stock pot and cooked it all up. It took two rounds of cooking to get it all cooked. I got it all de-boned (Samson LOVED getting some bones!!!) and chopped up. I even used Robert's mini food processor and made a nice bowl of shredded chicken for Rob to make his yummy chicken salad. I have three BIG bags of chopped chicken ready to use, plus over a gallon of strained broth. Matthew helped me work on straining the fat out. I'm going to freeze that up in small portions too.

It was a lot of work, but I think it will save us money and hopefully be healthier- no salt, no preservatives, no chemicals, no corn syrup (Barbara was stunned today as we shopped at how many items have that in it). Matthew and Rob were standing there waiting for me to shred up the chicken tonight, so it must have smelled good. :)

Summer, Happy Trails to You

Happy first day of August! This is my last week of vacation. I'm NOT ready to go back. :( Oh well. :) Such is life.

I have no big plans for this week, just to hang out with the family, work on some things I've started, read, watch movies/Netflix. I have to pay some bills and get groceries in for the family too since I'll be leaving Sunday for a "retreat" for work. I get to see an old work friend and her little girl tomorrow; can't wait to see them! Oh, how I MISS working with Kristen!!!!

I've been putting old recipes online since that's what I've used a lot this past year. It's taking a long time, but I think it will be worth the time and will help me a lot. Yesterday I put together the menu for August and even got each week's grocery list put together! Woohoo, having the grocery list done already will definitely help me a lot as the craziness kicks in soon.

This summer has been a different one for me, but it was what I needed for sure after a most stressful school year and grad school. I have never been such a bum or relaxed so much, and oh how nice it felt! I did next to no school work either, which is just not normal at all for me!!! I'm going to have a hard time getting back into my normal life after five weeks off.

Well, I guess that's it for today. Riveting stuff I write here, huh? :) hahahahaha

That was then, this is now.

I'm not who I was. Before you say it, I know... none of us are. We all change. That's life and how it is supposed to be. But this summer I've had time (something I don't normally have) to think a lot about who I am, who I was, where I'm going, who I want to be and all those "deep" things. There are things I like much more about this Rebekah than "old Rebekah" and there are things I question about the me I am today. I'm just not sure if it's good or bad or if it just is what it is.

I realized a few weeks ago, just how hurt I have been and how far away from the "old Rebekah" I have come. The past three or four years of church and work have left some battle scars and I have tried to heal and move on, but something made me see how hard that has been and how far I still have to go. Now please, before I share, please know that I am not just listing a list of grievances and being an angry, bitter person. I have diligently tried to move on and not be bitter. I'm sharing from my heart, some VERY deep, VERY personal hurts that have shaped who I am today- for better or for worse. If you feel I am wrong, please just pray for me.

I won't bore you with details, but let's just say that growing up in church, I've seen a lot of God, but also a lot of not-God. As a church member, I've seen a lot. As a preacher's kid from my late teen years through adulthood, I've seen a lot. Rob & I (and our young children) have been escorted from church & asked to not come back because my shoes were "offensive" (a clean but cheap pair of canvas sneakers bought at Walmart). I've been told by a pastor's wife to have an abortion because God doesn't like unplanned pregnancies in poor folks apparently. I've been the subject of sermons after confiding in a pastor. Apparently insomnia is caused by hidden sins and God was trying to strike me down for my arrogance. Rob had to be called out by a church committee because he was not really a Christian due to his bad habit of tardiness and his desire to befriend a lonely guy in the church instead of going to pray at pre-worship prayer time. Suffice it to say that in more than one place we've not measured up to the ideals/standards of God or a particular church's view of God. When I look back, I don't think I've felt accepted at a church for a long, long time. We always fall short somehow, someway. I have felt like a misfit for years now.

After the last time- two years ago- I told Rob I would NEVER step my foot across the door of any specific denomination, I would NEVER join and become an official member of any church, and that I would NEVER go to church in a small church where people would be able to be "up in your business" and know you and watch you to judge you. So we looked and visited and struggled for a while. I am so thankful though because we do have a church we truly do like now. I am always glad when we get there, but I still get stuck and can't get through it. I know it, and yet I don't know how to fix it. It's been two years now since the last "church thing." It's now the summer of 2011- my cousins, Pam & Regina, come to visit us. We go to church together. It is communion Sunday. I get sick to my stomach as soon as we walk in and I realize what today is. See, I haven't gone up and taken communion in all this time. Rob has brought communion to me sometimes, but very few times have I taken it even then (and mostly because I wanted to set a good example for my kids). I have not taken my own self up to the front of a church and received communion in all this time because I know the truth about me- that no one (except God who knows it all and Rob who lives with me) knows. It really hit me that Sunday morning how far I've gone from that "old girl." It got me thinking...

The "old Rebekah" (let's call her OR for this part) was in church every time the doors were open- morning service, evening service, Bible studies, prayer nights, revivals. OR was very involved in church- Sunday School, Children's Church, playing her saxophone, singing occasionally, cleaning the church, helping with every event that came along in whatever she could find to do. OR knew these were the ways you expressed your love to Him. OR knew that a faithful Christian did these things. OR tried to not let anyone down, tried to get out of her bashfulness and greet others, invite people to church, always took communion after reflection and prayers for forgiveness. OR had it together in "church-ways." She was a good Christian, or at least she met the "good Christian" standards found in most churches.

This Rebekah- well I've already talked this through with Rob and called my Momma to share with her, so I guess I'll take the risk and bare my soul with you too. This Rebekah, well I'm none of those things, and that's a lot of why I've felt like and called myself a bad Christian for years and years now. That's why I do really live in fear that I won't "get in" to heaven someday, why I worry about it sometimes. It's why if I do get in, I will be more than content to just sit quietly in some corner of heaven and be quiet and not bother anyone. God doesn't even have to speak to me, look at me, or mess with me at all. I won't even try to bother Him or come near Him. I'll just be oh so thankful for being there. See this Rebekah, she isn't faithful in her church attendance; I do go to church, don't get me wrong. But I also miss church more than I'd admit to anyone, and it's not because I want to miss church. I'm always glad once we've gotten in the doors, but the path from my home, out to the car and down the road is an awful, really awful, weekly battle. This Rebekah hopes to just sit in the back and not be noticed by anyone. It's taken me over a year and a half of going to this church and I just talked to two of our pastors for the first time in the past couple months. I don't do anything in the church; I used to try to get involved, but now, after all these "church things" I know I'm not worthy to be teaching anyone's kids or doing anything in the church. I greet others at the "meet & greet" times and smile and am friendly to those I sit near and pass coming in/going out, but I don't really know anyone there. I would like to sometimes, but I'm terrified to at the same time. I feel like I'm keeping the real me a secret because if they find out, well like all the others, they won't like me/us either. No one has in a long, long time. Or worse yet, you think they do, but then you find out they don't really and you just were stupid and thought they did. That hurts even more, and I don't want to do that again- ever!

The thing is, I actually feel closer to God, in the craziest place. I am a teacher in one of those "failing schools" - I've taught in worse schools before, but it's certainly not an easy place to work. The past two years I've felt like I've been walking through hell honestly; it is certainly a challenging place to be many days. But, I feel God with me, know His pleasure and love more in my public school classroom than anywhere else I go. When I am hugging kids, holding a crying/hurt child and secretly, and sometimes not-so-secretly, praying for them in my head, when kids run up to hug me, when I love an angry, violent child in spite of their issues... well it's those times when I almost think God is smiling at me. When I get love back from countless kids (and honestly, it's almost embarrassing how much love I get from the kids at school), I feel like it's God giving me a hug back. I feel His warmth and love so much in what is supposed to be a "heathen" place. I feel like I please Him there. I feel like He is happy with me and I am where I ought to be. I KNOW that I KNOW I am a better teacher for having felt the sting of rejection, for knowing how the criticisms and disapproval of others feel. I am glad for having experienced it for I know how to not do that to my students and to their families. I feel like a misfit amongst adults at work too, but when I'm with the kids- OH, the love and acceptance I feel- nothing else really matters to me. I am loved by my family and by a host of kids and their families and when I am at work, I KNOW I am loved by God.

So I am struggling with all this, trying to figure it out. I know I need to fix these "church issues" I have. And without realizing it, I have put up a wall- not a wall between me & God. He & I talk frequently, and I feel Him around and in my life all the time. But I do have a big wall when it comes to church and other Christians. I never meant to; I didn't really even realize I had done it. I have started knocking this wall down. I did go get communion with my family that Sunday- got out of my seat, walked in the aisle and took it. Funny thing- for whatever reason, the servers actually came down the aisle that day- they've never done that before that I've seen. :) Maybe God was meeting me halfway??? I don't know- maybe I'm just silly and see God in everything when He's not (well I do that I know!). I've also started reading my Bible again- something I'm not proud to admit, but I wasn't doing faithfully. I've just felt so unworthy for so long, but I'm trying to fix that.

Where I am going, I don't really know. I am sure I will not drop this wall tomorrow because inside there is a very scared Rebekah, but I will keep trying to take out one stone at a time and peek out carefully and keep going. I know I'll get hurt again because people are not perfect, just like I'm not. I know I'm going to have to accept that and let it happen and be okay with that. And honestly I'm not there yet, so my wall is going to stay up a little until I can let God really get in there and heal my heart. In the meantime, I'll keep reading my Bible, loving and being there for my family, loving on kids & families with all my heart, trying to accept me for who I am, going to church more and more faithfully, making myself get out of my seat to take communion even when I know I am awful, and as always talking to Him (He probably gets tired of hearing from me some days :), but I know He loves me so it's okay.). I'll get there eventually.

And when you get to heaven, if you see me in the corner of heaven, off hiding, well you'll know I made it. You don't have to speak to me if you don't want to, but if you do, I promise I'm a good hugger. :)