Out of Touch for a while

I know there are just a few people who visit here and want to hear from me, but in case you miss me, I wanted to let you know I promise I'll be back. My computer died yesterday. I can use Rob's work computer for a few more days until he has to give it back at the end of his employment at that school. We'll be without an internet-ready computer for a week or two until mine comes back from the "shop" wherever that is. Praying it is reparable and that everything that is wrong with it is covered under the extended warranty I bought on the thing. I may pop in at the library to check in.

I'll be checking in with you, Ruhiyyih, to hear your news and watch your adventure as you move back home.

It's funny how dependent on the computer I've become- to do my work, to facebook, to relax and journal... This will be a neat test for me. :)

Other than the craziness of the end of year stuff, life is all normal and good. I have K graduation in the morning for my kinders followed by a class "reception" (cookies and punch for the kids and families). Then one of the K teachers invited us to join the rest of the K teachers & kids in their "water day" so we'll be playing outside the rest of the day- water games, playground, watermelon relay... and ending our day with an ice cream party. I'll have to say goodbye to one student tomorrow and a former student too.

Monday, our 1st graders will have their awards assembly and we'll have another "reception" in the classroom followed by a class picnic outside. Plan to do a board game rotation in the morning plus story time of course, and in the afternoon play some extra fun outside games and let the kids do one last round of shaving cream fun on the tables before we part. That day will be a tear-jerker for me. I always give my heart away so easily, and it always comes back to kick me in the rear, but I couldn't do it any other way. So I'll once again put on the shades, grab some tissues, hug each kid at least three or four times, put them on the bus, and step back away from the teachers cheering to cry as they leave. I'm such a sap! :)

Well, I need to go get all these cookies, punch, cups, bowls, ice cream...... My last shopping trip for school, and the last big expense for the 2008-2009 school year! Then my summer school session, and just a few more weeks I can relax and enjoy a few weeks of summer vacation before starting all over again!

Roller Coaster Emotions

What a wonderful weekend. The girls graduated from high school! I couldn't be more proud of my girl, and I am so proud of S for graduating too.

I am staying as numb as I can, because when the feelings come they're going to come hard. To say I hate goodbyes is an understatement. And this weekend there were some really hard goodbyes. :(

I'm feeling very sad to have to watch family leave me and go back home. S's leaving for her dad's was a bundle of emotions I can't even discuss. Most of all I feel as if I/we let her down or hurt her somehow, and that upsets me too. I just hope and pray she will heal and find Jesus in a way she never has.

And now the house is SOOOOO quiet after all the people have left. I guess after all the busy-ness of the weekend, preparing for company, cooking like a crazy woman for a crowd that didn't materialize, the up & down emotions... well I'm feeling a bit of a let-down and am sooo tired too, which never helps.

A week & two days of this school year, then a couple days to get my classroom in order and then I start a short summer school session. I hope this time goes fast so I can maybe have some time off for me. I'm looking forward to reading time and more time with my family.

Night!

Barbara's Graduation

Today was another wonderful day for our family. We missed the ones who couldn't be here a lot, but we are too blessed to wallow in self-pity. So for the two grandmothers and anyone else who would like to see, here is our Barbara Rose at her high school graduation!

Barbara graduated Cum Laude. She wore a yellow honors stole for the National Honor Society. She had a cord & medallion for the Beta Club- another honor society. And she wore her white IB stole as an IB candidate (we will know in the summer if she passed her IB exams...)


Dad stood behind being silly as always. :) Robert is there in the background with friends and the youth leaders from his church who came to graduation to be there for Barbara.

This is Vicki & Terry Wagner, a couple from our church, who came for us at the last minute when we found out my parents couldn't be here today. Though they could never and did not take their place, it was so nice to have Godly friends from church who would take time out of their day for our daughter!!!
This is Jenny, one of the youth leaders from Robert's church. They really love my kids; I just cannot say enough about these three leaders! They will never know until maybe when they are parents, how very much they mean to me!!! Oh, and I should say something about the silly teenage boys making faces and bunny ears behind the girls. Boys! :)

Barbara and Ms. Weinkle who taught both of the older two at Smith- a wonderful teacher who has become a friend. Scott and my sister are behind them- Scott is taking photos. :)

Our family

Thank you God for a beautiful day with good weather. Thank you for family who loves us dearly from so far away. Thank you for church friends who love us in You and would take time to come help us celebrate. Thank you for a wonderful teacher! For the laughter and smiles I see in the faces of my family that I love as I look at these photos- my husband & my children's smiles make me smile in a way no one else can. Thank you for this beautiful baby girl you gave to us so many years ago, who has grown into this beautiful young woman that I am ever so in love with and so very, very proud of! Thank you for a wonderful day for her, for helping her complete this chapter in her life and helping her as she opens the pages of the next one. Keep her ever in Your book and show her the wonder and beauty of the book you've written for her so that she will never want to put Your book down, but immerse herself in it all the days of her life.

I love you God for who You are, and I appreciate You for these many, many blessings and so much more than I could ever say.

With a heart brimming over with love and thanks,

Rebekah :)

Graduation is on the way...

Barbara will graduate in 9 hours, but hey, who's counting? :)

I took a personal day back when my momma and pop were still coming out, and I had already had the pay taken out for it, so I just left it alone. It was a busy day, but okay. I got more groceries for tomorrow, visited with my sister & brother-in-law, went to Hobby Lobby & Michael's with my sister and two older kids, made tomorrow's taco salad and dessert, got a bunch of small chores and laundry done...

I am so hurt and uptight with some things. My heart just aches. I look forward to seeing my baby girl graduate tomorrow. That will be so wonderful! It's going to be hard too though, knowing my daddy is not here to see it (he would have loved this kid of ours!). And I know it was so very, very hard on my momma & pop to not be here. I'm sad for momma & Barbara and for me. :( S is leaving for Ohio, I guess, tomorrow. I'm not sure. She's moved her stuff out today, and I guess she's upset with us, I don't know. It's been hard on her, I know. I hope she can move on and be happy and have peace and know God's love. That's all that really matters.

Well, that's it for tonight. Lots of pictures to follow in the next couple days for sure!

The Landslide'll Bring It Down

It's a long, complicated, and very private story.

So many emotions and thoughts...

I miss him so very much, and my momma too. I miss the family that I could have had and will never really be able to know. I miss the family my children could have had and never will now. I miss what could have been.

"I took my love, and I took it down. I climbed a mountain & I turned around. I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills, till the landslide brought me down. Mirror in the sky what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know. Well I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older. I'm getting older too. So take this love, take it down. If you climb a mountain and you turn around. If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills, well the landslide'll bring it down."

His Still Small Voice

It is absolutely amazing to me how God uses music to minister to me. I understand and relate to King Saul and the way David's harp playing could soothe his savage spirit. I am very much the same. It just takes some peace & quiet, some music, and the next thing you know I am wide open & God starts to speak to my heart about things, to minister to me. I find God more often in music than I can say- in church of course, but in my car just as often, if not more.

This week, God has been there speaking to me, and for that Father, I am so very grateful. Thankful that You were there in the car Friday night with Rob & I as we drove around listening to Chris Tomlin's work and I cried and snotted my way through three or four songs. Thankful that you were there in the back row of our church today gently nudging me through the lyrics, speaking to my heart, letting me know it's okay and You're so very much in control of this crazy world and my crazy life.

You were there today from the first song to the last.

You were there when I wondered, what exactly does this "Hosanna" that we sing about all the time in church even really mean and You prompted me to look it up when I got home. Wow, it means, "save now or please save..." You knew I needed to know that today. And that was just the beginning.

You were there when the song sang about going "where you lead I'll follow..." I have Lord. I have. I left it all- my family, Father, my family- and everything and everyone I knew or have ever known- and there will never be any going back will there? I know it's not the same by any means as what You gave up, but will my small to You, but huge to me, sacrifice mean anything, will it be counted for anything, will it accomplish anything, will You help me when it's hard and I'm lonely and sad???

You were there when the song said "Savior, You can move the mountain. You are mighty to save..." You knew I had emailed someone last night to ask them to pray about a mountain in our lives that needs to be moved. It is so interesting that You led me to use that word last night, that You had this song in church today.

You were there in that song that so says how I feel and yet so shows how You care that You would take time to impress someone who chose the music for this week to choose these particular songs- songs I have sung many other times and been blessed by and praised You with and enjoy on a regular basis, but maybe never like I did today- "...Still You take time for me, I can't understand..."

You, the God of all the world, the God who spoke this entire universe, world, sky, sun, moon, stars, creatures aplenty- everything I can ever behold- You, who created me inside my mother, knew me before even she did, who made me the person I am, created me to be a freckly, child-adoring, easy-to-cry, and easy-to-give-my-heart away kind of person, who made me to be a softy, a bit gullible- You who knew what my life would bring and how those events would shape me even more into a person You would somehow, for some reason want to use for Your purposes...

You are here. Hosanna, please save me Father. I am just a sinful child who loves You so, but messes everything up. I know You are here and that You love me more than I can ever fathom. I thank You for teaching me things I need to learn and for the gift of music through which You best speak to me.

I love you God.

Kittens

Well, we have kittens. I'm not thrilled about it- the feeding & expense is a small worry right now for me, and I hope we can find them all homes. And I had been silently worrying about the momma cat as she is just barely not a kitten herself and so small. She looked very odd walking around the past few days.

But, how can I not share this photo? They are so cute, and life is precious- even in animal form. We had our cat fixed hoping to prevent this, but we were obviously too late. Oh well, for a little while we'll get to enjoy the fun of kitten-hood again.

And, if you know us and live near us- Want a kitten? :)

Senior Awards Night 2009

Without further ado, presenting Senior Awards Night at Ben L. Smith.......

Processional

Receiving her IB stole with her other IB classmates from the principal.

Our soon to be high school graduate :)

Making faces at her daddy to the side

Like father, like daughter

My baby girl & I- and WOW, a picture of me that I don't totally hate- it's not great, but okay, I'll post it for remembrance's sake :)

the girls with Dr. Rogers, principal of Smith

Barbara and her friend and IB classmate, Dunamis

Barbara and Shaleesa

the girls with Ms. Weinkle, one of this family's favorite-est teachers EVER!!! And that vote includes Rob & I. She has been both the older kids' teacher, and amazingly, she still likes our family, thinks a lot of our kids, and even Rob & me. :) :) :)

So there you have it folks, another Senior Awards Night done. Graduation in 9 days!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness.

Tonight was Senior Awards Night for the class of '09 at Ben L. Smith High.

I want to blog more but I need to go try to get a little sleep so I'll save photos of my baby girl in her cap & gown for tomorrow night. If the grandmas & aunt are reading, I will get them up tomorrow night.

a few photos

just some photos from this evening...
the kids playing badmitton, a flower or two, and a couple new photos of the house since we finished putting up our wall things & photos...

it's memorial day

thinking of my daddy, a wounded vietnam vet

and of my cousin & her hubby who was critically wounded in afghanistan

and of my grandfather who fought in world war II

what a sacrifice so many men and women, wives, children, families have had to make so we could be here with all the freedoms that i sometimes forget to truly appreciate

God, help me to truly understand and appreciate and not take for granted the myriad blessings i have been given...

Love Is Not a Noun

I was listening to a song on the radio on my way home the other day (don't ask me which one as my middle-aged brain can't remember now!), but it was about love... I had a "moment" of smartness- write it down- it won't happen again for a while. Sis, this borders on deep for me probably, so I hope you're impressed if you read. ;)

Ready? Drum roll please..... tadum, tadum, tadum, tadum...............

So here it is- real love- the kind that lasts and sticks throughout life- is not a noun, it is a verb. People are always talking about "falling in love," in songs, poetry, on t.v., in real life... That kind of love is a noun. It's more about the good feelings that person gives us, being with them makes us feel, joy, happiness, good- all wonderful things. It's more about you and how you feel, it's a state of being (a noun) like happiness or misery.

But real love, the kind that lasts a lifetime (whether in a marriage or in a family or just in friendships) is a verb. Sometimes you have to "love" people through your actions even when your feelings don't match it, your will doesn't want to. That is true love- the kind that sticks with your husband even when you don't feel the mushy-gushy feelings anymore, the kind that does good for people even when you don't want to because you're angry at them or they might not "deserve" it... Love is not based on feelings. Jesus proved this- He loved us so much, He laid down his life. I'm sure His feelings were terror, fear, anger at having to make such a big sacrifice for people who wouldn't even appreciate or accept His gift, worry, sorrow, sadness... But, in the end, He did love us (verb) in the ultimate way. He wasn't just "in love" with us- thank God. That kind of love might have lasted a short time- especially with me! :)

I have such struggles with this, and am, actually dealing with this right now with somethings. I feel like a horrible person, a rotten sinner, and a hypocrite when my feelings (nouns) don't match what my actions do (verbs), or when I don't "feel" the love (noun). I am going to have to try to remember that my feelings are just something I can't control- they come & go and really depend on my sleep (or lack of) & what other stresses are going on at the time, and they don't condemn me to the pits of hell. It's just what I do with those feelings. I will choose to love, even if I don't feel it yet. I know I will.

Grrrrrrr.....

Hey God,

It's me, the crazy child of yours, who is also just grouchy today. I don't know why except that I'm just tired and didn't get to sleep in this morning, but that's no good reason at all. I am sorry to say that I've just been irritable, irritated over stupid things that I have no business being irritated about, and I'm very sure, irritating to the four kids in my house today.

I should be happy about some things. I should be relieved that some things were taken care of today without me having to make it be. I should be, really should be, but I'm not. I find myself just gripey, and oh, how I hate when I get like that.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, Father, I don't want to be like this. Please will you help me? I really could use Your love, patience, joy, strength... before I blow up at someone for something really ridiculous and look like the total pyscho I feel right now.

Your crazy daughter, Rebekah :)

Letters to the Teacher

Yesterday my students wrote me letters after I left to go the dr. with my back problem. I am sitting here tonight with this stack of letters and crying "happy tears" as I have always called them to explain them to my own children years ago, and now my students. I'm such a cryer- sometimes it really bothers me that God made me this way, but it is just who I am. Try as I have, it is a trait I am learning to accept as truly, God's quirk in me. :)

These letters are truly sweet. They express such love to me, and I can see bits of me in them-
things I have taught them. I hope they carry these lessons and this bit of me I've given them forever.

One little girl wrote to me that I was her favorite teacher in the world even when I was mad. :) I told them over & over that I love them no matter what- bad behavior, wise or not-so-wise choices, good days, bad days, cranky days, no matter what and for always- because I see the person inside them. A small bit of the unconditional love I hope they come to know and understand someday, somehow.

I am always amazed at how prettily they draw me. I am not a pretty to look at person; yet when they draw me I seem almost pretty through their eyes. Then I realize once again, that we have talked about this idea many, many times this year. The idea that beauty is not how we look on the outside, but who we are on the inside. I've taught them that it is more important how nice you are to others, how you help others, how you treat people, than what you wear, how your hair is fixed, what kind of clothes or backpack you have, or any of that other stuff. So, when they draw me, maybe they are drawing the person I try to be so hard on the inside. Maybe they are drawing that big ol' well of love I have for them and try to show every single day I'm with them. I think kids can see through us adults better than we would ever want to admit. I hope what they see in me is what it ought to be.

Then, there is the little boy who is so very far behind his classmates. I'm truly worried about him, but in this stack of letters is a picture of his. And when I saw his name I didn't believe it was his work. He drew his first actual stick person EVER and it is clear, and he dictated a sentence to Elba- "Mrs. Thomas and I playing together." OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!! What a breakthrough of huge proportions!!!!! You just will never know how much this means to me or how big a deal this is!!!!

So, truly I am very blessed- bad back and all!

Thank you God for this calling You gave me to be a public school teacher. Thank You for a bunch of little people who love me this much. Thank You for this reminder of Your love- your unconditional love- shown to me through the eyes, hands, mouths, and lives of a group of very special children!

If My Life Were a Soap Opera, The Show Would Be Cancelled

Whew! I am so thankful for a peaceful evening in/at my home. There haven't been so many of those lately, and it's been hard- really hard.

Just total craziness in trying to juggle the schedules of Rob & his three jobs total plus Robert & his two jobs and his college classes and the schedules of three high school students plus my own job somewhere in there... Plus parenting issues, some issues and tension between people at home and added to work stresses for Rob & I both, not enough sleep- well it's just been rough.

I've been praying for peace in the house, and I am so thankful that God answered- just in time. At least until the next "day of our life..." ;) Ha Ha Ha!!!! I joke, but lately with all the drama, I have felt like a soap opera or a reality t.v. show. :)

The last week has seen a change in work situation as Rob found out his position has been cut. He will have a job somewhere, but at the moment all we know is he is going to be going through the interview for a new job deal and at some point in the near future moving jobs/schools/positions. :( I HATE this for him. Change is hard on him (as I know it is many people), and he had just finally begun to relax again after the trauma he/we had in GCS. That was really hard on him, and it has really, truly taken some time for him to be okay. Now he will have to start over, get to know people & people know him, learn a new school.... Well, I know it could be so much worse, so I don't want to complain. I also know they say he'll have a job, but until he actually does, well- I'll just feel better when it's a done deal. For right now, we're very much in limbo.

Oh, and my back has become a BIG issue again. I can hardly walk and am in a lot of pain. Been interesting trying to be a teacher, get up & down throughout the day, do playground with my kids, let alone walk to the office, lunch room and bus lot and then come home and cook and do my household duties.

I keep remembering that God is with us in all things, and that song my momma used to sing after my daddy died- "He didn't bring us this far, to leave us. He didn't teach us to swim just to let us drown." So I know God is here, and He is greater than job problems, stresses at work, $ or the lack of, back problems or any other health situation, and bigger than any problem your family can throw at you. After all God was the Father of Jesus- how interesting that must be. :)

So, I know it will all work out for good, and I'm hanging onto the end of the rope and trusting in my Maker. Now, God, what are we going to name my soap opera life? :) Ha Ha

Night for now. Time for me to take some muscle relaxant and go off to la-la land. By the way, did I ever tell you one of my old bosses asked me if I lived in "la-la land?" She was so kind and gracious -NOT!- she did this in front of all the staff at a program wide staff meeting complete with everyone that worked in the HeadStart/PreK program. Just thought of that. Okay, this ADHD moment was sponsored by------ me!

Night! ;)

Rebekah :)

The Seasons of Your Life

Saw this today in something a cousin emailed...

Don't judge your whole life based on one season. If you give up in your winter, you'll miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, and the fulfillment of your fall.

Barbara's Senior Prom

It's been a pretty rough day for me as a mom - real, adopted, or whatever else I may be to the people who live with me. I love my kids- all of them 3+1. I wish they knew how much, but I know they will understand me better when they are older.

Tonight is Prom night. Barbara's first and only prom. She asked Treshawn, a friend from the swim team, to go with her. The above picture is the group that went together, Barbara's friends- Dunamis, Britney, Shaleesa, Treshawn, Barbara, & Rita.

What God Won't Ask

A coworker sent me this in an email today. It is another forward, but so true, and I needed the reminder of what is really important in life.

15 Things God Won't Ask

Author unknown

• God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, but will ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
• God won’t ask the square footage of your house, but will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
• God won’t ask about the fancy clothes you had in your closet, but will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.
• God won’t ask about your social status, but will ask what kind of class you displayed.
• God won’t ask how many material possessions you had, but will ask if they dictated your life.
• God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.
• God won’t ask how much overtime you worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.
• God won’t ask how many promotions you received, but will ask how you promoted others.
• God won’t ask what your job title was, but will ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
• God won’t ask what you did to help yourself, but will ask what you did to help others.
• God won’t ask how many friends you had, but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.
• God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights, but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.
• God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, but will ask how you treated your neighbors.
• God won’t ask about the color of your skin, but will ask about the content of your character.
• God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but will ask how many times they didn’t.

Makes me think of a Brandon Heath song I LOVE- it is my theme song in my life that I try to live by- "Give me your eyes for just one second. Give me your eyes so I can see. Everything that I keep missing. Give me your love for humanity...."

the world the way it should be

Yesterday I saw a picture of how I think the world should be, a world that would be filled with more peace and less war, more joy and less anger, more love and less of all the things that fill hearts with hurt, anger, despondence...

Picture the scene...

A playground with children- smiling, running, playing, pretending, happy children. Picture a little boy picking flowers until his hands are full of small yellow blossoms and then running around the playground giving his flowers to all the girls in class. He tells many, including his teacher, "It's girl flower day. My dad said it's flower girl day!" Picture some of the girls running over to show their teacher what the little boy had done and see their smiles of happiness from this kindness.

Then I saw the most beautiful picture of friendship and kindness that I think I might have ever seen in fifteen years of teaching. One child, took the flowers offered her, patted the boy's hand kindly and thanked him for her gift. She took time to look at the flowers, smile, and share her joy with him personally, simply, sweetly and with such true friendship.

Let me add to this that the little boy is, well... special. I don't mean that as a put down. He is truly a special child. I believe time will provide a "label" of some kind- I have my suspicions and have been trying all year to get someone to see the signs I see without any help, support for the child or any interventions. My students see the difference between themselves and the little boy, but they are so kind and gentle to him. Never, not even once, have I ever seen or heard them make fun of this child, express anger at him, or be unkind to him. They help him daily, ignore the things that can be annoying, and cheer for even his smallest success like it was the world's biggest accomplishment. My class has made me cry more than once this year when they cheered for this little one printing a very weak, but legible copy of his first name, the first time he put his coat on by himself, the first time he opened his own milk or built something with blocks. They often bring him to me to show me some new thing he has learned and are more excited than even I am!

Each year I work very hard to create a "family" atmosphere in my room, a place where we all work together, cheer each other on, believe in each other, and in the end develop a close, friendly-kind of love for one another. I want my room to be a safe place where all are accepted- good, bad, pretty, ugly, "smart" or seemingly not- where each person is able to grow and become more than what they were when they arrived- including myself.

There are so many, many things about myself that I despise, that I feel I have ruined or messed up. I know my faults and hide many of them from even my closest family members, but in this one thing I feel I have succeeded. I have created a small world where people are loved for who they are, accepted just the way they are, cheered for when they do well, shown kindness and acceptance and freedom to continue on life's path. I have a world that is just the way it should be. I wish the "real world" could be that way too.

Stop the World, I'm Getting Off Now

Did you ever just have a bad day/week that was just truly awful? Well, this week STINKS!!! Can I call it Friday and get it over with?

There's just no way to get around it. I thought it was just Monday, but then yesterday the governor signed an executive order reducing our pay effective immediately- taking back a percentage of the entire year's salary from our next paychecks. This hits all the state employees; senators and judges can voluntarily give up some pay if they'd like to. Yeah, can you hear my sarcasm???? I won't even go on about this as it's not nice- what's in my head. It's going to really hit us hard financially.

I'm dealing with my kids (the kids I love more than my life, but who are really frustrating me right now). I am angry, hurt, frustrated, worried, stressed, hurt, disappointed, worried, angry.... Right now it appears I am getting the silent treatment from one.

I'm feeling horribly low, and each day I keep getting out of bed thinking it will be better today, and then there's something else.

I'm utterly, completely, and totally sick of work- the negativity and backstabbing, the way people talk about and treat kids, the way I feel so awkward and have somehow without meaning to backed myself into a corner by myself ...

Most of all, I'm just sick to death of me.

The good news? God is still God. I am still alive and breathing. I have a husband who is standing by my side in this icky week. God has blessed me abundantly more than I deserve, and for that I am eternally grateful and very humbled as I am so very undeserving.

Here's to a better Thursday- I hope!