He is With You- Mandisa song/video

i heard a new song on the radio- well it is new to me anyway- a song by Mandisa- He is With You. i LOVE this song. and it caught my attention because of the way it starts... "There's a time..." fits with my new verse up there on my header and how i have been feeling of late.

here's a link to her video if you aren't familiar with the song or just want to hear it anyway.

hard questions

today i found myself trying to answer some hard questions my two oldest asked me. i tried my best, but in the end it only left them still not understanding and i don't really either. how am i supposed to answer them? i don't think there is an answer, oh how i wish there were. something i could say to explain it to them, to explain it to myself. it hurt to hear my kids express a loss they've never expressed before- hurt more than i can say. now i'm left with a big old, very old wound and feeling like i've failed once again somehow, that i should have done more, should have tried harder, reached out more, picked up a phone, or made a trip, or done something- i don't know how or what or even if it would have worked...



i know we just have to take what comes to us and make the best of it. Lord knows i've tried and will keep trying, and they will continue to make good in their lives and hopefully (prayerfully) live for Him their whole lives. i will pick myself up tomorrow and move on, what more can i do, but for tonight i hurt for me, for my family, for my kids, for the unknown. i regret the past and all that ol' damn water under the bridge. i wish the bridge would go away and the water would dry up and we could all go back to the way things used to be, but then, "the way it used to be" wasn't really real either- it was just a dream, a dumb idea of a dumb kid who was too stupid to know it was just fake- all an act. maybe that's what i'm grieving- the idea that was never really real, the family i thought i had that i didn't really ever have.

praise You in this storm

God is with us even in dark places, even in scary times, even when you feel all alone. He is with us when we are far away from our family and can't get home in emergencies. He is with us when we are sick, when we are hurting.

God, I will praise You for always being there when I need you. I don't deserve it. Thank you.

He Gives and Takes Away

That song has been going through my head all week.
"... He gives and takes away... still my heart will choose to say, "Blessed is Your name...."

This weekend He gave me a chance to meet someone from my daddy's family, someone I haven't seen since I was a little girl, the first person in my daddy's family I've seen in over ten years and the first "real" visit, truly positive meeting I've had with anyone in his family since I got married. It's been quite a weekend- awkward at moments, nerve-inducing, but filled with laughter, tears, and fun. I'm truly grateful for a chance to know someone who carries some of the same dna as my daddy. I hope he is in heaven smiling down on his cousin and my family tonight.

Then I am awoken (is that even a word????) at 12:30 with a call from Illinois- which can only mean something bad is going on. My pop- the man who has loved me as his own for all of my adult life, the only grandfather my kids have ever had, Pop- is lying in a hospital bed having a heart attack, and it sounds bad. I can hear it in my momma's voice, and I so need to be there for her, for him, for me. I'm trying to be ready for anything- the good or the awful. Trying to be where God wants me to be and be content here and yet wanting to be home right this instant to be there by my momma's side as she waits in a hospital waiting room in the dead of night for news good or bad. What if's are trying to roll through my mind, and I'm trying to not focus on them.

God, I know death is part of life. I know it's something we all must face- our own death and the deaths of loved ones. I know he has lived a pretty long life so far, and if You chose to take him home right now, he's ready to meet you. I know we have no guarantee of tomorrow or this afternoon or our next breath. I know You are so wise above me and You see the big picture when I can't see the next step I'm supposed to take... God, what else I know is that right now my momma who has buried one husband is sitting in a waiting room trying to be strong and feeling all kinds of emotions. I know I'm not there to hold her hand or let her cry on my shoulder or just sit with her and keep her company. I know it's not about me, she is a big girl, a grown woman, she has a daughter there, and no one needs Rebekah swooping in "to save the day..." Please just be with Pop, whatever it is please help the dr.s and nurses caring for him to have wisdom. Help Pop not to be too scared or in too much pain and help this to end as quickly as possible. Please God, PLEASE be with my momma right now. Comfort her as You always have in her times of need. Let her feel You sitting there right beside her in the waiting room. Give her strength to face whatever it might be. Be with my sister and her husband who are also there, with my sister who lost her daddy too already and doesn't want to lose another one. And God, if it's possible, please don't take away just yet. And if it's Your will to do so, please help us all to make it through.

I'm going to try somehow to sleep now God. My alarm clock will call me soon enough, and somehow I've got to teach and go on tomorrow no matter what happens.

a big day

today i will meet a cousin that i haven't seen since i was kid. today will be the first day in more than a decade that i will have seen anyway even remotely related to my daddy. it will be a big day...

to do lists & accomplishments

one of the things that has been suggested to me is that i need to begin to learn to make lists for each day and mark the items off as i accomplish them. the hope being i will feel good at the end of the day at what i've accomplished, i'll learn to see (perhaps) that i'm doing too much and to prioritize what's truly important, and ultimately learn to let go the things that don't really matter so much and learn to say no...

so here goes. here is my weekend's to-do list. God help to me get it all done.
Friday night:

• eat supper & clean up after myself (or leave it for my kids- ha ha ha)
• make a card for my hubby before he gets home to tell him how good he is to me (he cleaned the whole house from top to bottom today!, went out and bought a turkey roast and made me a yummy supper- turkey, boiled potatoes, black eyed peas & asparagus), and fixed some things around the house too
• make one set of Christmas cards
• make a grocery list for November's shopping trip tomorrow
• lesson plans for as far into November as i can get

Saturday:

• grocery shopping for November
• family time 12-4 (silly, yummy "Halloween" lunch- "Bat Wings" (homemade boneless chicken wings), "Franken Fingers (homemade potato wedges), Eyeballs (grapes), Spooky Salad & a ghost story movie- "The Others"
• GTCC class- 2 or 3 lessons
• Grad school- read, read, read, & post
• type EQ's for school and make guided reading plans
• late night movie and family Halloween tradition of Grinch Night when the kids get home from work around midnight... Since the kids were little, we've always watched Grinch Night and had "Grinch milk" and oreos... This story is an old Suess book that was made into a video, oh, I don't know maybe in the 60's. I bought a copy when the kid were little, and we've been watching it for years now... They are now 19, 18, & 17 years old and without fail, they still ask us if we're going to do this with them- they want to! Robert asked us to please wait for him to get home from work & do it late at night since it wouldn't be the same if we did it in the afternoon, so we're having a late night family time too...

Sunday:

• pay bills
• read, read, read for Monday's class
• make more Christmas cards & post them on the web for sale

So, I'm getting off of here and on to this list. Busy, busy, busy

On a happy note, I want the whole world, or the 3 people that come "see" me here to know that I went ALL week and only had 2 diet cokes all week long (from Sunday morning to tonight!!!!) TWO PEOPLE, TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's a major miracle for me! I had one the other night in the hopes of breaking a 4 day headache that I believe was caffeine withdrawal-related. Nothing else was helping, and I broke down and had one. Then I had one this afternoon as I had to hit the drive thru on my way between a workshop and school. But I'm still sipping on it now- 6 hours later. I'm doing it!!!! I'm doing it!!! I'm doing it!!!!

YEAH for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And even bigger- YEAH FOR GOD who is helping me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

changes

i haven't changed the header on my blog in quite a while. i really liked that old picture i took from my road trip with barbara and the verse i had up there, "I look to the hills from whence cometh my help...," well that verse has been a help to me more times than i can say...

but for whatever reason i decided that this new verse fit with where i am in my life now and i like that fall photo i took a year ago (before we knew for sure if we could buy a house at all!) wow, what a lot has happened in just one year!!!

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace."

my 1st set of Christmas cards

i'm working to make Christmas cards- my own and some to sell. i have three teachers (two from work and one from another school) that want me to make their cards, so i'm really excited!!!!

trying hard...

well i'm doing it- it's so hard, but i'm trying. my momma will be thrilled. "they" (whoever they is) say the 1st step is admission... so i admit it- i'm a diet-coke-aholic. and i've not had one since saturday night. ugh, i want to go get one sooo bad but i'm trying. i'm telling myself that if i can be good all week long, then on friday i'll let myself get one big one and then go again another week...

i'm also trying to stop the insanity of work as much as i can... i'm practicing saying "no" to some things, only doing what is most important each day and letting the rest go until another day or whenever... i've asked to be excused from an obligation that i was being drug into last minute this week with no info or help with the prep work so i just said it would stress me out too much and to please excuse me... i've dropped a workshop that i wanted to take- i'll take it another time. i think two college courses plus all the mandated training/meetings they are making us go through at work is enough for right now... so far i haven't gotten written up, i've aggravated a coworker or two i'm pretty sure, but they haven't stayed too upset with me. the world hasn't come to a screeching halt or the sun fallen from the sky.

i am learning to speak up a little, though i've still got to learn how to do it in the best way and to learn how to take the outcome (good or bad)... this year is a BIG learning year for me. i just hope i survive it. :)

but i'm trying. and praying God will take my feeble attempts and make something good out of it all.

teacher education according to me

rob & i were talking this morning about stuff we've seen in schools we've worked at over the years. we've both been called "veteran teachers" recently, and we were just thinking about all of our experiences and the many places we've worked and the good & bad we've found... it got me thinking about a lot of things... here is one thing (silly i know, but i'm kind of serious too)

if i could design a course of classes for upcoming teachers i would create some new courses. i think they'd be a lot more helpful than what many of us took in college... some current teachers could even take them too... and believe me, if these courses were offered somewhere i'd be signing up for some refresher courses in a couple of them myself. in fact i'm sitting here reminding myself not to judge because i'm sure i'm guilty of some of these things myself. God forgive me...

how about?

• Let It Go 101- a course to help people learn to not be so anal and helping them to identify which battles are worth fighting and which ones are better let go to fight another day or to just never worry about again...
• Prioritize 103- a must for today's teacher- this course would help teachers understand just what they will really face (not what college profs tell you, but the real, nitty-gritty truth of teaching) & how to look at each day/week/month's demands, figure out what is the most important thing(s) and start there and leave the little stuff for later or never... this is a lesson i'm learning now after giving myself high blood pressure and killer acid/heartburn/ulcer-ish symptoms these past two years... wish someone would have offered me this course a loooong time ago (oh wait, my parents tried & i was too dense to get it!) :)
• Open Your Mind & Close Your Mouth 302- this class would be for those teachers/teachers-to-be who need to learn to engage their brain and close their mouth to help them learn to not say stupid things to or about students and their families.
• Let Go of Pettiness 457- this course would help teachers learn to not be petty about things that don't change what they do or affect their work in the least; teachers will learn to not worry about other people's planning time, who is the principal's "pet," or who gets the credit for stuff but just to go to work each day, focus on the kids and do their best; teachers will learn to celebrate others' successes, to cheer for their fellow teachers and support each other in the hard times; teachers would sign a contract to help them remember that negativity and gossip will cause a school to fail just as quickly as any other factor
• Walk a Mile 228- this class would teach participants that it's easy to judge when you've not walked in someone else's life or circumstances but better to give compassion & grace to each student & family regardless. it would provide hands on learning activities in humiliating life experiences with the goal of helping participants to build a "bank of compassion" that they could draw from even when they don't understand or approve of their students &/or families' lifestyles or choices. these hands-on experiences would include: buying groceries with food stamps & listening to other customer's & cashier's comments &/or see their disapproving looks, going to the welfare office & filling out an application for assistance, being refused medical care for lack of insurance or because you have a medicaid card, standing in a food line at a shelter or food bank, going without meals because there is no food, living in a car or on the street or sleeping in a shelter because you are homeless, dealing with an angry child who acts out and having to have a conference with the teacher &/or school where they judge you & make you feel like less... the focus of this course would not be similar to the ruby payne "poverty" course that so many educators go through, it would be real & dirty and hard, but participants won't have an "understanding" of the "culture of poverty" when they're done, they'll understand, 1st hand, how it feels to be judged, looked down on, put down & disliked just because they're poor and in the end, they'll look at students & families in a totally new way.
• Give a Damn 400- this course would teach teachers to actually care about their students' lives beyond the school campus, beyond their classroom walls, to see each child's "big picture" and take it into account when looking at and dealing with their problem behaviors, their lack of learning, their family history... and it would teach teachers to show a little care, a little love, a little compassion to every child- not just the best or the brightest.
• RESPECT- Give It To Get It 499- this would be the final course for all teachers; teachers would learn that they cannot get the respect they want and deserve if they don't give it to ALL students ALL the time. this course would help teachers learn that students are wiser than they realize and that children can see through us, through what we say to how we act and how we treat their fellow classmates. this course will help teachers realize that when we talk about respect to our children, but then treat one student poorly, the children see right through our act, they watch what we do much more than they listen to what we say. when they see us treat others with less respect they learn to treat others poorly themselves, thus breeding disrespect and unhappiness. the final exam for this course would be to provide daily doses of respect to every single child, regardless of their behavior, their social standing, their parents' lives, their looks, clothes, smarts, whether they "deserve it" or not in the teacher's book, but to give it because EVERY SINGLE human being on the face of the earth deserves love & respect just for being alive.

God help me to be a better teacher than I've ever been. I can't fix all the problems of society, of my community, school or even my own classroom. All I can do is work on me with Your help, and I'm sure wanting to improve this teacher. Please help me to be better next week than I was last, to fix the things You're showing me that need fixed and keep my eyes on You, the final prize, and on what's most important to me- the least of these that You love. Help me to remember all this and do better.

Happy 17th Birthday Matthew

Today is my "baby's" 17th birthday!!! :) He is 17 and 6'4" and hopefully he'll stop growing one of these years. :) We've had a nice evening. Barbara & I took Robert to work (the only down part of it all- us not all being together) then we met Rob & Matthew at the army-navy surplus store where Matthew was able to get a combat uniform in the air force tiger stripe pattern that he wanted thanks to his brother and sister helping us; we all pitched in and got that and an Air Force t-shirt for him.

Matthew and I went to Wally-world and picked up some things we needed for his supper. Matthew wanted to cook supper tonight so while he did that I made his birthday cake and a HUGE batch of pico de gallo for us and for work tomorrow.

I'm soooo sleepy, and going to just call it a night soon I think. It's been a nice day. A quiet, peaceful, no-stress and no conflict day in my classroom. My kids were soooo well behaved, and that even in spite of having to be in the room without specials today. They were so quiet you could hear a pin drop for a while. I'm not the kind of teacher that is bothered by noise, but it was kind of nice for a few minutes to have such peacefulness. Then even when they worked in learning stations they were quiet. And no one was shh-ing us which was soooo wonderful!!!! That was absolutely heavenly. Shh-ing just has been like fingernails down a chalkboard to me this year- never knew that before about me... Oh, and one of my kids did sooooo well today on assessments... I almost fell out of my chair in excitement and the thrill of pride I felt for him!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this was a wonderful day- for me and hopefully for my birthday boy! Thanks God!!!!

My Momma, the writer

My momma writes for the local newspaper in the area where she lives. She's been sharing her journey through the land of Cancer, but recently she wrote about something different, something weird, paranormal, a little frightening, and definitely very strange- ME! :)

http://www.qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=462198

prayer request

please pray for ruhiyyih and matt. they are getting married in a few weeks and matt lost his job today. they both need God's provision and peace in this time of major life changes and stress.

struggling

I just realized that I haven't journaled in a while. I have had plenty of thoughts, just not enough time and quite honestly I've been feeling pretty discouraged so I didn't want to post anything because it wouldn't be all upbeat and happy and positive. Who wants to read that?

I know it will get better. I will be fine. Life is good, it really is! I am so thankful for all the many, abundant blessings I have been given in my life. I have so many, many things to be appreciative of and please believe me when I say I am.

I just don't like me much at all, I don't like the person people see or who people think I am. People say things about the person I am, and I realize it's not who I think I am or not what I want people to think/see/feel about me. I try to change, but am not doing a good job. I want to be so much more than I am, a better person, a really Christ-like person. Work is very, very stressful, and I am trying not to let it be that way for my students. I'm tired of feeling like my best is not enough. I can't give any more than I already do.

I am really struggling right now is all I can say. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I'll be back when I'm a decent human being once again. :)

Fall Is Here at last!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summer lasts forever here in NC!!!! But fall is finally getting here, and I am soooo ready!

The wind is blowing a nice, cool breeze. I am sitting here listening to the leaves blowing in the wind and can see a few falling down. The rain is falling. The air just feels so good!

Hello fall, I'm so glad to see you!!! I am definitely in love with the fall!

One Month Ago

School's been in session for about a month now. Interesting to look at the last month and think about all that's happened in the last 4-6 weeks.

One month ago

• i heard from a teacher friend who was writing to say goodbye because she had two months left to live.
• i was spending the weekend in the dr.'s office/hospital with my son who was having emergency surgery.
• i was just starting a new school year with my new and old kids, and then missing the 2nd week of school to only start over again.
• i had my 1st grad class in nc in this math licensure program
• we had recently decided to leave our church and begin to look for a new one
• my daughter had recently started college
• my youngest son started his junior year and begun his military adventure with the JROTC program
• i began the school year with a new coworker and was very nervous and eager to make that work well for us both
• i had begun a small business idea out of my home

one month later:

• our friend died this past friday
• matthew is healing well and already progressed out of the plaster cast, off the crutches, and out of the walking boot and is in a brace
• i've started school and then started over and then had to totally revamp my schedule and start again- my kids and i are learning how to be flexible that's for sure! :)
• i've turned in two big homework projects for my grad class and gotten A+'s on them both :
• we're still looking for a church
• the kids all seem to be doing well in school so far... barbara is loving college and is working now too! (THANK YOU GOD!) and managing her 18 hour course load and a part time job... matthew likes school, has caught up from his week out of class and just got his 1st military uniform... robert is in his last year of school and continues to do well managing a 30-35 hour a week job and school
• work- well, it's going to be a long, not easy year, but i'm learning that i can't please everyone, that i shouldn't try, and that's it's okay if everyone doesn't like me, in fact... i was ready to quit last week, but God won't let me and i'm not a quitter so i'll tough it out and see what He has in store for me down the road...
• the business journey will be a learning one for me too, as i learn how to get much, much better at what i'm doing and as i wait patiently for word to spread and figure out how to find cheap ways to advertise, etc

randomness

it's friday night at last! aaahhhhh this week has been excruciatingly long!

it's a drizzly, cool but humid evening. it finally feels like fall is coming here- the dogwoods are even starting to change colors already! my house is empty because robert is working, barbara is babysitting, and rob has left to pick up matthew from his high school homecoming football game where he marched with his jrotc unit in uniform. he'll be home in a while, and i'll see him in uniform for the first time. i'm sitting here in my favorite pj's and warm, fuzzy-soft robe and wrapped up in my fleece blanket- oh so comfy cozy!!!

i finally received the grades from my 1st two assignments in my grad class - i am so EXCITED- two A+'s!!!! and some really, really nice comments from the prof too- which made my day!!!

i stood up to some bullying from a coworker today and it felt oh so nice! maybe bullying is too harsh a word, but it's pretty much the adult equivalent. she wouldn't take no for an answer when i told her i wouldn't be doing something she wanted, and when she tried to push it on me i just politely thanked her and went on with my business. it was kind of funny to see the reaction... rob will be proud of me for this! it was the goal for the week for me set by my husband, though with another person in mind, still i did it!!!

barbara's teacher, Mrs. Fansler, who had been such an encouragement to her and to me last year has been dying- we just got word that she died this morning at 9 A.M. she was a great lady. can't say more about this.

i'm going to work on my homework for my classes. have two assignments to do for my photography class, plus have to do this big project and prepare to teach it to my students this next week then write it all up... nicole (another 1st grade teacher at my school who is also in this grad program with me) and i are going to swap lessons when it's done so we'll have 2 instead of just ours.

there's church somewhere on sunday, and then somewhere in this weekend is lesson planning, prep work, a HUGE pile of papers to check, donorschoose packets to prepare and mail. i'd like to do some cardmaking too- i have some new fall & halloween decorations and paper and i'd sure like to see what i can do with that and make some more cards. oh, there's just never enough time to do it all, so i guess i'll see what i can do this weekend. i hope you have a great weekend wherever you are!!!

Matthew- at not quite 3 weeks

Matthew's steri-strips have fallen off, so we can see his "boo-boo" again. It's getting better, although it still looks pretty yucky if you ask me. It just hurts me to see it, but he's doing well, and God was good to him and us! He blistered some underneath all the plaster and where the boot has rubbed, but that has all popped and dried off too. He's still pretty swollen, but the dr. said that he'll have that the rest of his life off & on. He's getting there day by day... One more week and he will step down to a brace that fits inside his shoe that he'll have to wear for a few months.

not a good day

work stinks right now, but i'm trying to remember that i am thankful for a job! :)

i just sat here and wrote a long piece expressing my frustration, but then thought about it and realized no one wants to read that. :) so i just saved it. later on in the year i'll look back on it and see how much improvement has happened and be thankful, so it's a private journal entry i guess.

i'm trying to remember that i do this for God and for the kids and families i serve, that it is a service, that service jobs are dealing with people and are not always pleasant or easy, but that it is a worthy and noble thing i do... even on the hard days.

i'm trying to remember all those things. and God is here trying to encourage me too. the songs on the radio on my way home (K-Love & a local Christian station) well, WOW, they were just the perfect songs for this day!!!! i pulled over into the park down the road from my home, and cried and let off a little steam before coming on home. thanks God for that. i need it!!!

now to go try to figure out yet another way to make this thing work for my kids and me... it's hard when things out of your control mess you up... but i've got to find a way for those 17 kids who call me their "Mrs. Thomas." they're counting on me, and i can't let them down.

my kids can cook!!!!

My kids can sure cook some good food!!! This was Robert's night on the menu (each kid has one night that is their night for which they plan a well-rounded meal of their choice and cook it). Barbara likes to cook vegetarian/meatless stuff but she also likes to cook some of our old standbys and make herself a vegie version- hamburger pie, pasta salad, salad and bread, homemade pizzas. Matthew is our grilling king, and he is getting GOOOOD!!! He makes the best grilled chicken ever; he seasons it with fresh herbs from our herb garden plus other spices in our cabinet. Each time it's a little different, but always yummy. He also cooks a great poached fish! Robert loves to cook foods from all over the world; he has a whole collection of world cookbooks that we've been getting for him for birthdays & Christmas gifts for a couple years now. I think we started this one! :) So tonight's meal was an Iranian dish- Chicken & Eggplant Kouresh with steamed rice and asparagus with hollandaise sauce (I helped him make that part- YUM!).