then & now photo

I am saving my journaling about the weight loss journey for here, but wanted to share this photo here as well.  I was in tears when I put on these "fat lady pants" I'd saved.  They're the only piece of clothing I've saved for this purpose.  I knew I'd changed but wow, not this much! :)

then & now photo

I don't do these photos very often, but here goes.  I was cleaning out my clothes again and came across the one pair of pants I kept for this purpose.  I was stunned, truly, truly stunned!  So far to go still, but wow, I've come a lot further than I realized!!!  And with no cartilage knees that the doc says are as bad/worse than an 80 year old's!  In pain and limping and still going.  That has to count for something!!!  Maybe, it's me I'm talking about- don't give yourself any slack Rebekah. ;) hehehehe

On to the next phase- trying to lose as close to 30 pounds by June 1, 2015 as I can with the limitations I've got.

Six months, six more months

I survived a crazy- busy month of planning, doing, a big class service project, making 23 reading blankets for my students, crocheting like a crazy woman, making many homemade gifts for my family, and of course, work, gym, and oh yeah, regular life. :)

After working like a mad woman before/after Christmas to work on gifts and projects, I took a couple days this week and vegged (as much as I possibly can anyway- still did lots of crocheting but sat more than my norm).

Now it's back to the real world, back to the grind, back to rushing from work to gym to home and repeating it all the next day.  Six months to accomplish my next weight goal before I have knee surgery.  Six months to push through and work hard and make good things happen.

I can do this!

Being Realistic

The holidays are here and my birthday falls in here too.  I don't do lots of sweets all year long- the only time I make a dessert is for the birthdays in our house and at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I've never been a big baker of treats.   Someone asked me if I was going to have trouble with the holidays "sticking to my healthy lifestyle."  My response was easy.  I am going to be careful but enjoy whatever I want to.  Not overdo, but if I want a cookie, I'm going to have one.  Pumpkin pie for my birthday, a few cookies on Christmas.  My goal is to not gain back weight over Christmas break.  If I don't lose in that time, I'm okay with that.  I want to enjoy life.  I work out hard (too hard I'm often told) daily.  I am going to live my life and not be unrealistic.

Changes

It's funny how losing a very large amount of weight changes things.  Changes me.  Changes others. Changes relationships.  Especially changes me.

I know change is part of life.  I am usually one who embraces change and likes to see new things, go to new places, do new things...  I'm not saying I mind all the changes that are happening in my life, but it is definitely different, and some changes I did not expect.

I know someone who lost a large amount of weight with her husband's support, but when she got close to her weight goal, he left her because he couldn't handle it.  I thought it was so sad and strange and cruel at the time.  Now, I see people around me treating me differently.  A lot of friendly teasing going on, and that's cool, but I also get the smart-aleck comments, and the snide "oh look at you" kinds of statements, like it's somehow just easy for me to say "no" to things I want to eat or to exercise self control or push myself past horrible pain and make myself go to the gym daily, some days twice a day.

I also didn't know that I would change so much that I would feel alienated from people I've known for years.

I am learning to depend on God and myself much more and other people much less.  I have been able to count on my husband who is on this journey with me.  He is the one I depend on so many days and that I know I can talk to no matter what.  Most of the time he "gets it" because he's also experiencing these changes and the ways people are different to him as well.  And when he doesn't get it, he just listens to me, tells me he loves and then proves it.  I'm so grateful that I have him and his unconditional love.  I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but I am hopeful that God & Rob will be there through it all and I pray that for whatever I have to give up, God will give me the strength to stand on my own.

Post Obesity Body

Someday I hope, no make that plan, to not be obese.  But I know that even then I will not be pretty.  I have given up on that a long time ago.  When I started this health improvement effort, I knew I couldn't get back the pretty, thin me I used to be, and I have settled for smaller and healthier-that's not a bad "settle for" in my book.  I wasn't quite prepared for what weight loss of this extreme nature would look like, and I still am not sure how it will look on this body, but I'm starting to get an idea.

I'm not showing under the clothes to anyone (there are only two people on earth I trust with that), so they don't know what this fat body looks like underneath the layers I use to hide it as best I can.  They don't know about the loose skin that's starting to show up now as the fat goes away.  They don't know how ugly I find it on my own self.  I'm not saying that anyone else is ugly who has this.  I am NOT judging another soul.  I am simply stating that I find my body gross and revolting to look at, even as I lose the fat.  I haven't liked myself in the mirror for years and years, and I'm coming to understand that I probably never will because when the fat is gone it won't look pretty still.  It's going to be covered in stretchy, flabby skin that just hangs and gets in the way.  

I'm okay with this.  I avoid mirrors most of the time anyway, and I can hide the body under layers of prettier clothes.  No one else has to see it.  The only place I can see me having a problem will be the pool, but I will figure that one out somehow.  

My sister posted a link to this video this week, not sure where she came across it or what made her share it, but I was thankful that someone was brave enough to share his own story.  I don't think I could ever do that, brave as I want to be, that couldn't be me.  

I'm proud of myself for sticking with this and losing as much weight as I've lost.  It's a great thing I know, and something I never could do before.  But it's also mixed with other problems and issues and not just some simple, "happy ending" kind of story.  I have ruined my body in so many ways and can never go back or undo the damage I've caused for myself.  That is something I regret more than I can ever say.

Walk with me please

I have heard so many times, "You have such a pretty face/eyes/smile/complexion/fill-in-the-blank."  I know you mean those compliments, truly.  I know that in your mind it is true.  I accept that and appreciate the thoughts and that you have a good view of me.  

What I wish, though, is that you could see my life through my own experiences and eyes and not the rose-colored glasses you have because you love me and know me as a person.  I know it must be frustrating to love me and care about me and see all the wonderful things a loved one does and then to watch me "tear myself apart" the way I know I do.  It is NOT about self-hatred, though I admit there is a part of me that struggles with that.  It is about the way I feel in the real world I live in and interact with.  

Try going to the store with me or the post office, the doctor's office, or movie theater.  Try to see me the way others do who don't know me, who don't see the hugs I give or the way I interact with kids, or the many other positives that anyone who knows me might say/think about me. Try to see me the way the "public" does.  It isn't me "just being sensitive."  I'm so tired of that!  Sorry to say it and hurt you; I am, though.  

There was a time when I quit going out in public unless I absolutely had to because of the hideous way I felt every time I went to the store or bank or ran an errand.  I was so ashamed of who I had become based only on my size.  This was wrong thinking, but you cannot understand how beaten down one can become when you can't go anywhere without the rude comments, laughter, pointing, stares, or just plain nastiness you get when you are grossly overweight.   God only knows how many photos of me I have had people take on their cellphones.  I'm sure I am probably on the people of Walmart website somewhere if I wanted to look.   Walk with me and watch people move aside like my fat-ness is contagious or so that they can get a better staring or photographic view.  Listen to the ugly, hurtful things people say as if I'm deaf or perhaps deserve to hear their contempt because I'm just a blob, not really a person.  It's like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.  It goes way beyond embarrassed. There are no words for it.  You feel less than human.  It's a hurt that goes deep down inside and stays there when it happens over and over and over.  

I'm not saying I have some excuse for staying a blob- I did this to myself.  I own that and take full responsibility for it.  I am saying I do not feel pretty and honestly am not sure I ever will.  I just wish you could understand that.  I am not asking you to like it or agree, but if you could understand where this comes from, that there are valid reasons for it and try to be patient and accepting of my own self-view, well it'd help a lot.

This has all been sitting in my head the last few days.  Then today I saw an old high school classmate's post and comments regarding this article.   This classmate is an amazing lady.  She teaches children no one else wants to teach in a rough place and does it with this unending God love, and an amazing tenacity to stick with these kids.  She is a mom and seems to be raising three great kids who are going to help make the world a better place.  She organizes fundraisers and collects food, clothes, and other needed items for homeless folks.  I could go on and on about her.  She's always sharing prayer and practical needs for other folks.  She's a TERRIFIC person.  Yet, she shared today that someone made some awful, terrible comments in the presence of her kids about her (called her a nasty fat bitch) just because of her size.  I will bet money that she does more good in ten minutes of her day than most people do all year long or even their whole lives, but I guess because she's obese she's not worthy of kindness either in this person's book.  This post just broke my heart.  I am not alone in this awful experience.  I hate that other people go through this too.  There are so many wonderful people walking around doing good in the world, being kind and loving and helping others who get treated like they are less than the dirt on the ground based on the size of their body.

Whether you want to see it or not, it exists and happens daily to me and to many, many others.  It's very real to us.  It is a deeply personal thing that I've been dealing with for years and years.  I have begun the journey to a healthier me, and with God's help I will get where I need to be.  I hope the inside parts of me will heal and change and grow too; I believe they very much are doing that as well as the outside.  But I hope you can understand and accept that I will never see me the way you do.  I'm sorry that it causes you hurt.  I hope that you can come to terms with who I am, all of me and not take it as a personal thing.

R :)

Preparing for Battle

I go to see the orthopedic doc tomorrow.  The last time he & I spoke he had some rude comments about " people like me" just saying they'd go to the gym if he helped them, but it really just helping them get to the frig faster.  It hurt after all I've done to change my ways and all the pounds and inches I've lost.  His nurse & assistant saw the change in me and were excited about it, but he didn't notice at all.

I'm prepared this time:

• a weight graph for the last year
• a year's worth of gym check-ins all printed out (showing the regular attendance, the training sessions, and the 2-a-days I often do)
• measurements that show I've lost over 30" of myself
• BMI & body fat percentages that show major loss as well (BMI down almost 15 points, body fat % down about 10%)
• photos that are obvious I'm smaller
• a video from Zumba class that show me working hard
• and if that's not enough, I'm taking in a pair of my "super fat" pants and I'll prove it that way

Here are a couple photos of me before I started this and at my heaviest.

Still a LONG journey to go, but I'm on my way- crummy knees and all- whether doctors support me and help me or not- I. Am. On. My. Way.

The end

time to reflect and project :)

Starting off my holiday off with a few minutes to journal/blog and hit the gym with my trainer.  Tuesday's are my 2-a-day gym day with the trainer first and then water Zumba class.  

I'm looking forward to today- going to take care of my physical self first, then going to spend the day with my best friend.  While he's doing his work and projects, I'm going to be working on Christmas gifts- a quilt for Zoe, and some other things for family members, plus blankets for students.  I'm still plugging away on hats for a couple ministries too.  

Better get some breakfast down my throat and get dressed- it's time to leave! :)

This is what I was trying to say

I am not very good at expressing my deepest feelings sometimes.  I say what I am thinking/feeling, but it never comes out the way I mean for it to.  I recently tried to explain some of the junk up in my head about losing 100 pounds, but it came out to the hearer like I was just putting myself down and judging myself and others by their size.  Ugh!

I know it won't make sense to most people, but losing a lot of weight is complicated.  A good thing for sure! But not all smiles, rainbows, and ponies like you might think.  I don't understand all the why's of it, but even though I've lost a large chunk of me, and must be much smaller than I was, I don't feel it.  I can see the loss in the size of clothes I wear, the way everything is falling off my body, the comments that others make, but I still feel like the same huge person inside.  I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever change, and realize that it may not.

Then I read this article this weekend that I somehow stumbled across when doing schoolwork and looking for something completely unrelated to health/weight loss.  It seems like I was "meant" to see this, and it did hit home oh so much.  I almost cried reading it.

The article could best be summed up with this statement found later in the report:

"Cultural fantasies of weight loss present a tidy, attractive proposition – lose weight, gain self-acceptance – without addressing the whole truth: that body image post-weight loss is often quite complicated."

The parts that I really related to the most were:

"Everything starts sagging, and you've got stretch marks, and clothes fit differently, ... and you're saying, 'Am I doing the right thing? Because this shirt doesn’t look right,'" she says. "...I would get really down on myself about, like, 'I'm not doing this correctly,' or, 'This isn't what it's supposed to look like.'"  I so understand this!  I knew my body was not pretty to start with, and I knew it wasn't going to get pretty afterwards.  I did not know exactly what to expect and I knew that going in, but did not realize how the skin would hang down now empty of fat and nowhere to go.  I didn't realize that my hips would look the way they do or that I would feel uglier than when I started if that is even possible.

"Despite now being a very lean 166 pounds at just under six feet tall (and training for a marathon!), Janetzko says he still doesn't see a thin or fit person when he looks in the mirror."-  I was so thankful to read this because THIS is EXACTLY what's been going on in my head!

"Any discomfort you may feel with your body is compounded by a sense of shame at not feeling unmitigated pride at a moment you expected to be triumphant."-   YES! YES!  YES!!!  People think I should be proud and excited and thrilled, and I am those things, but I am also other feelings too that I guess I can't express because people don't understand. 

"Big, important things about people's lives do change after they've lost weight – and yes, often for the better – but no one becomes a different person. You're still you, even when you're half of your former self."  I was hard, incredibly, unhealthily so, on myself before this all started.  I am trying very hard to improve in that area as I also improve the physical part, but I don't know how to change all that overnight.  I'm still me on the inside, and like it or not, that me doesn't like herself much.  That's not going to drastically change just because my butt size goes down.

Real people stores

I bought some sweatpants in Walmart a few weeks ago, and was so stunned that I could do so.

But today, my girls and I went to Dress Barn, and I did something I haven't done in well over a decade- I bought clothes for me that fit in a "real people store."  I did my best to not cry and embarrass myself or the girls, but I cannot tell you how it feels.  After years and years and years of only being able to buy clothes in a plus size only store and one that caters to extremely large women, well, it felt good.

I know my usual clothes store's sizes tend to range a little on the larger size too, so to go down two more pant sizes is a big thing!  (no pun intended)

I can't believe it, I really can't.  It seems like a dream.  I wonder when it will start to seem real and I won't have to be afraid of it going away.  For now, I am enjoying the feeling even if the fear is in my head somewhere.  Tonight I am going to put on a pair of my new smaller pants and one of my pretty tops and go out to a nice dinner with my hubby to celebrate my new less-morbid size. :)

R :)

weight loss journey

I am really hesitant to share but I think I will.  I've been working on getting to a smaller body for over a year now.  I have changed a great deal on the inside as I've worked on the outside.  I'm not sure about all the changes I see happening me some days, but mostly I think it's going well.

I have been journaling some of my thoughts the last few months and started blogging them a few weeks ago.

http://blobnomore.blogspot.com/

Ready or Not Here I Post

I do not know that I really want to post this or that I even should.  This is really scary, but here I go.




I never would have let anyone take a photo of me when I started Zumba with my teacher, Ms. Ana, back in late May.  Today my daughter came and took some video of me for an upcoming medical appointment.  

Anyway, I decided to post this video here because I should look back someday and remember just how far I've come.  Ms. Ana told me this last week that she wishes she would have videoed me the first day so that I could see how far I've come.  Looking at this though I can see it.  I feel really ugly the way my fat jiggles and swings around when I'm dancing the moves, but I am also a little proud of myself.  I know it will sound weird too, but some days I almost feel like God is smiling down on me too while I am sweating and killing my knees.  I hope this somehow counts in His book somewhere.

But whether it does in His book or my doctor's, I am counting it in my book. :)

I WILL WIN

This is part of my battle to get healthier.  Crappy knees.  It hurts!  No, that's not a good description, but I can't think of a good word.  Excruciating might be closer.    It is seriously challenging to get through the days at this point.  I cannot take much for pain/discomfort/inflammation so I go on without any medicine.

But I keep on going and fighting my fight and toughing it out.

Because no matter what anyone says or what I feel or think on my bad days, I am going to win this fat-fight! So I keep working out, staying active throughout the day, going to classes at the gym...  I will NOT be ruled by my bone-on-bone knees!  I will hike the mountain trails and walk down the thick sandy stretches of beach.  I will limp my way through my days and use the cane when I need it.

 I WILL WIN!

Missing what was

I've lost something that was and it doesn't get better with time.  I keep trying to go over it in my head, figure out what I did wrong, how could I have done things differently, what hurt did I do, what did I say wrong....

Thinking about this a lot.  These song lyrics just hit me tonight as I sit and do schoolwork.

"If you find somebody to love in this world, you better hang on tooth and nail.  The wolf is always at the door.... And in these days when darkness falls early, and people rush home to the ones they love, you better take a fool's advice and take care of your own.  One day they're here; next day they're gone."

Hiding from Myself

As I've gone through life I've always tried to hide in the back of the classroom, back of the room, back of the crowd....  now as a teacher I always try to sit in the back of the meeting and no matter the event, I will always be found at the back of it- church, public events... you name it, you'll know where to look for me.

I don't want to be noticed or looked at.  I was this way even before my fat days, but being so large hasn't helped that at all.

Enter my big behind in Zumba class- I hate the wall of mirrors in class and used to hide behind the banners to avoid looking at myself or being as visible to others.  Then they took the banners down and I had to face my reflection or be sure to hide others (that's only so effective when you're twice or three times larger than everyone else in class though).

So I also chose to not wear my glasses to Zumba class so I couldn't really see myself very well if I happened to glance up.  That was stupid though because I couldn't see my instructor quite as well.

This week I made the choice to leave my glasses on and dance my way through class with them on.  I also made myself look at my reflection throughout class.  I don't like what I see but I'm doing it.  I am getting better at not hiding from myself.  I don't have any desire to move up in the crowd, sit in the front of the room, go to the front pew in church and I doubt I EVER will, but at least I am being real with myself, owning who I really truly am more and more and accepting the realities of that too.

R :)

The Fat Girl In My Head

I don't expect this to make sense or for you to understand.

Shoot I don't even understand it, and it's in my own head.

See, I used to be a thin girl who thought she was fat (even though she was "just right" in all reality).

And now for two decades I have been the fat girl in reality.  And fatter girl and obese girl and so on until she is who I am.  That thin girl is long dead- just a memory in a yearbook or on my mother's photo wall.  It's not really me.  I know it was, but it doesn't seem like me.

She was fairly pretty but didn't know it.  Oh, how I wish this me could go back and talk to that girl, but time doesn't work that way I'm afraid.

So now the fat girl is trying to take care of herself, something she should have done long, long ago.  Overdue, it's not an easy fight, but this fat ol' girl isn't giving up.  She's pretty hard on me most days and doesn't let me off the hook. In the gym, she pushes me when I hurt, get tired or want to quit early, "Come on Thomas, you can do this.  You HAVE to finish this.  You can do more/go longer/go heavier...  You are NOT a quitter!"  Most of the time she is pretty encouraging in a coach kind of way.  Some days she can get firm and ugly with me when I really need it- "Move your fat ass!  Come on lard-butt, get going."

I know that's sick in some mental-health kind of way, but she helps me stay the course.  She keeps me going when the going gets tough, and it is tough!

The thing is, I know it upsets some who care about me, but I don't know that I will ever see myself as anything but the fat girl.  She's been part of who I am for so long- most of my adult life now.  I wouldn't mind if she went away, but I don't think it will happen.

I can see the scale moving- down 100 #- that's quite a lot of weight.  I can see the clothes that I can no longer wear piling up in a box and trash bag in my laundry room.  I KNOW that I have gotten smaller.  But when I look in the mirror most days I can't see the weight loss as much as you'd think.  It's hard to visualize the 100 # that were on me- I can't see where it's come off exactly.  I mean my face and neck are thinner and my stomach/rib cage, my hips, waist and behind are getting smaller based on the baggy pants I'm wearing, but I just can't see it when I examine my body in the privacy of my bathroom when no one is around.  I'm still a very large person.

I wonder when I'm no longer large-ish will I see it?  Will I quit feeling like the fat lady when I'm just right again? Or will this just stay with me because it's become a part of who I am inside?  I shared this with my wonderful trainer tonight because it bugs me sometimes that I can't see it the way others do.  It bothers me that my "issues" with myself hurt some because it's a personal thing for me and I don't mean for it to hurt anyone.  I truly can't help how I see myself, and whether anyone believes me or not I do try very hard to work on these issues.

So for now, I live in this fat lady body with the fat lady in my head.  I wonder if she'll disappear when I'm no longer fat.  If she does, who will take her place?  Will I like that person?  Will she still be me?  Will I lose who I am inside these layers of lard or will my heart and soul still be the same when the fat is gone?  I'm changing a lot for better or worse.  I hope I will like me down the road, and I hope those who know me will still love me and be able to accept me whoever it is- fat lady or something else.

R :)

first BMI goal accomplished

I know this is a little thing- just another of my many little goals, but it's HUGE to me (no pun intended). :)

To be "just" obese, your BMI has to be 39.9.  I hit that mark today! :)  This makes me so happy- I'm only obese now instead of "morbidly obese."  I look forward to the day when those words will officially leave my medical records as a current condition.  I know it will never leave my historical records, but with God's help, it will be removed from all descriptions of current conditions/problems and no doctor will speak about me with those terms again or look at me that way.  I will never have to have the doctor make a comment about "getting to the frig faster" or any other number of things I have heard over the years.

I can't wait for that day!

R :)

100

I am hesitant to say it out loud.  I haven't made a big deal about it and probably won't for lots of reasons.

I don't actually know my heaviest weight ever because I quit letting the doctor's office weigh me out of shame at my huge-ness.

I'm really proud & really not proud (YES, BOTH) of losing 100 pounds- geesh, that's approaching what a small, fit adult weighs.

It's great that I've lost that weight, but it's awful that I ever weighed that much to start with.

To go around telling people "I've lost 100 pounds" would 1) be looking for pats on the back, and I am NOT doing this for anyone but me and 2) would be telling the rest of the world, "Look at what a fat cow I was, now I'm just a less fat cow."  Yeah, I'm not into that.

But, here it is anyway- in spite of myself.  I have been holding right around the 100 pounds from my heaviest recorded weight mark for about a week or so now.  It's hard to believe.  It was more work than anyone knows.

I can't believe I'm going to say this either but 100 more and I'll be just about, almost to a good weight for me.  I can't imagine how that will feel or look.  It's scary but exciting.

R :)

Please don't assume

Assumptions- you know what they say about assuming.  I kind of think it's true!

As a morbidly obese person I see/hear/get a lot of them.  I watch other fat folks get the "treatment" too, and I hurt for them.  From work to the gym to public places and, though they mean well, even friends and family.  People see a grossly fat person and make a lot of assumptions.  I think it's human nature.  I am sure I've been guilty of making assumptions about people too based on outward appearances.  I think it's hard to not do so.  I get that.

But as I always told my daughter, "Just because your brain thinks it, doesn't mean your mouth has to say it."

People assume if you're extremely fat:

• you eat bad food all the time
• you never eat healthy things
• you don't do any exercise or that it's not possible you're physically active
• you sit around and watch t.v. all the time
• you're lazy
• you're stupid
• you have no hearing or no feelings if you do hear (or they just don't care how their comments feel to you if you do hear)
• you're "jolly"- yes, people really do think that but that's another blog post some other time perhaps

I cannot tell you how truly shocked some intelligent, well-meaning people I have worked with and even family members have been when they have seen what I eat on a regular basis.  I have heard, "Oh, you eat that?!?"  I even heard once, "Wow, you actually eat healthily."  Yes, imagine that, a lard-butt person could actually make wise choices and eat well and still be fat.  

For the record, yes, I used to eat way too much fast food- I joke that one butt cheek is Big Macs and the other is french fries.  I'm not proud of it, but it's true- I'm sure that my fast food days are part of why I'm larger than the Goodyear Blimp.  While that's true, it's NOT true that I never ate healthily.  I have always also eaten lots of healthy foods.

People are shocked when they hear/see/find out that I go to the gym faithfully.  I can always tell who is new at the gym we go to;  they're the ones whose faces seem shocked to see the elephant on the elliptical or compliment me when they come to Zumba for the first time and see how "good" the fat lady in the back is doing.  Never mind that I've been coming to Zumba since May. 

I watch VERY VERY little television- actually watch, probably none.  The tube is on at my house in the evenings, but I'm always doing something and not actually watching.  I could be more described as loosely listening to the telly while I am doing something else- grading papers, writing lesson plans, crocheting something or doing some other something with my hands.

And on that note, I am FAR from lazy.  I don't actually know how to sit still and just do nothing.  When we go on hiking trips, I take things with me to keep me busy in the car, in the hotel, in the tent- yarn, books, projects, something.  I cannot just relax and do nothing- not in my abilities one bit.  So the whole fat person=lazy person- just not true either.

I am not the world's brightest person for sure, but I'm not ignorant either.  Just in case you didn't know, a person's gut or butt size doesn't equal their IQ.   I just saw a post on the web this morning making fun of someone in a high government position because of their obesity saying how they couldn't possibly be trusted to make good decisions or be a good analyst or advisor just because they were grossly obese.  Oh, that just makes me so angry inside

The last two really strike at the core of me the most probably.  Obese people have feelings like everyone else.  We get tired of being the "butt" of people's jokes (pardon the awful pun).  We get tired of the stares and the pointing and the faces and the rude comments.  We see and hear them all and they strike at the heart of us just like they would you.  They follow us long after you've said them and moved on and forgotten us.  They go with us and haunt and hurt us and do their damage when we're no longer thought about by you.  You may see a fat person as jolly, maybe that's because we hide our hurt behind the jokes.  Or maybe that's because we've learned to be kind to others and make others laugh because we don't want to be that kind of hurt in the world.  

I just know I'm tired of assuming people who see me and think I'm just a big, bumbling, dumb, lard-eating, fat lazy-ass. 

I am a big fat, intelligent woman who works hard all day long teaching your children to read, add, subtract, tell time, write, understand the world they live in and helping them grow up to be kind and caring human beings in a world full of ugliness.  I then take my fat self to the gym daily and work it out HARD five-six days a week for an hour or more at a time (with a trainer, on my own, in Zumba and water aerobics classes) before going home and preparing a healthy, well rounded, low fat, high nutrient meal for my husband, son and self.  Then I move on to the stack of school work and household chores I have to tackle before falling into bed at a late hour to repeat it all the next day.

Do me a favor will you?  Get to know a person- any person before you assume anything about them. Find out who they are on the inside.  Walk a mile with them before you judge them.  Or how about just not judging them at all?