To Scream or Not To Scream

I yelled this week. I realize that's no earth-shattering statement and to my family probably not a shocker, but it surprised an entire cafeteria full of kids and adults when I politely said to my neighbor at the lunch table, "Excuse me for bellowing in your ear, but..........." I proceeded to yell across the cafeteria to a student to sit down. It certainly did get the kids' attention, but more so, the adults there. They were all commenting for the rest of the week about their shock and surprise at me raising my voice and yelling.

Hope that is a good thing about me- that I don't yell often. We had a big debate one day recently about whether yelling at children is a good thing or not. A lot of people around think that yelling is a way to motivate kids; but I disagree! Of course, God knows, I've yelled at my own three kids, but I don't think that is the best way. Sure, it gets their attention, but I don't think it really solves anything. I mean, my kinderkids stopped their moments of "insanity" when I yelled, but within just a few minutes, they were right back to the craziness at their lunch table.

I've watched a particular third grader this year- been trying to be a positive influence in his life. His teacher yells a lot! I mean, really, a lot! I know the kid's no saint himself, and that he instigates a lot of trouble just out of a sense of power/control and to show he's "tough." But, he hasn't given me any trouble, and maybe I'm just naive or dumb, but I think when you show kids respect and love, they are more likely to give respect and kindness back.

I hear a lot about "the kids at Allen Jay"- all from the teachers around our school. They think our school is some kind of ghetto-type school, which I can say it is NOT! We do have some kids who are rough and tough, and I do think there is a lot disrespect there, but I also think that we have a lot of staff who don't give respect to the kids. I wish there was a way to get them to understand that although we are adults and children should respect their elders, it doesn't mean that we can treat kids however we want and they will still respect us. You have to sow some seeds of love, kindness, fairness- respect, if you want to reap it.

So I will keep on trying to treat kids the way I want to be treated, and to show, by example, the adults around our school that kids can be "good"- even the "bad" ones they've labeled!

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I'm so tired and GROUCHY!!!!!!!!!! I am sick of school & a certain baseball coach right now, and sick to death of people who scream and yell and treat kids lousy!!! My throat hurts, my foot hurts, and I've hurt my finger somehow. My cell phone won't work right, and my glasses sit crookedly on my face so I look like a complete moron. :) My desk is completely (I exaggerate not) covered and there are piles on the floor all under and around my desk. Stuff is starting to slide off, but I can't get it cleaned after school because we keep having stupid meetings and then I have to leave to pick up my kids from school. On top of all that, I'm really homesick after talking to both my parents tonight. I want to crawl into bed and pull the blankets up to my chin, close the door, turn on the fan to drown out the noise and just stay there. I can't even say to myself, "summer is almost here, and I can relax." I will be working two sessions of summer school this summer plus taking on the grade level chair/leadership position (no extra pay; lots of extra hassle & work) and trying to get mentor training to be a mentor this fall, not to mention my usual summer planning & prep work that gets done to be ready for the fall & a new school year.

Right now, I feel like I stink! If I didn't have to live with myself, well I wouldn't want to right now. I feel like such a grouch on the inside. I'm trying not to let it show on the outside, but I don't think I'm doing a good job of it.

Stop the world! I really want to get off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Okay, No It's Not

I was reminded today of the lesson my "kinder-child" taught me a couple weeks ago.

Today, it was my turn to say those words, "It's okay. Okay?" to a little one in my room whose mother is very ill. Only it's not okay, and it's not chickens we're talking about. I knew it, but I was hoping the message would help her as it had helped me. I don't think she understood, which reminds me, once again, that those words were meant for me and that it really was God speaking through a five year old child.

God, now it's her in need. Please give me a message, in some language, that my kinder will be able to understand. 'Cuz right now hugging her, holding her, and loving her doesn't seem like much, and it won't make her mommy be okay or help her to understand it all.

It's not okay, God!

Another Week

Well, Whisper Day on Tuesday has turned into whisper week; only kinderkids aren't capable of a "whisper week." A day is their limit. :) Although they were concerned about me, they weren't able to keep their voices down and their bodies quiet for a whole week! So I'm very hoarse and sore from "whisper teaching" just to be half-heard all day for the past several days. Have you ever tried to get a group of kids attention by whispering at the top of your lungs? It's not as easy as you might think! :) My assistant, Kristen, was pulled most of the week for proctoring, crisis intervention, and a half million other jobs she has to do around our school, so much of the time I was croaking alone. Picture me trying to do assessments while whispering/half talking and my voice coming in and out in a room full of kinderkids playing with blocks, working on the computer, reading, pounding playdough, playing alphabet games, and more. No wonder my kids kept saying, "Huh?" at me! :) Ha! Ha!

Then, Sarah, a fellow K teacher across the hall tells me to rest my voice and be quiet this weekend; she said that is what she did when she had the hoarseness/lost voice and it helped. I quickly reminded her that I was sure that was great advice and I would love to be able to follow it, but I also reminded her that I am a mother of three teenagers so I was equally sure it would be next to impossible. We had a good laugh about that.

Now, more seriously, my adopted father had some heart problems this week and has spent several days in the hospital. He had tests and a angioplasty yesterday, and as far as I know at this time is home. I was so wishing I could have been there and not here. I kept thinking how if we hadn't moved to good ol' NC, Rob and I and the kids would have been up at the hospital with my mom and sister, keeping them company... I know I couldn't do anything to help them even if I was there- I mean what was I going to do- heal him? But, still I wish I could have gone home to sit there with my family. My sister reminded me that it might be more important to come home later and to wait... Besides, it's not like I have the money anyway. If Pop had dropped dead (thank God, he isn't going to), I wouldn't have had enough $ to drive out of the state, let alone all the way to Illinois. It's a family joke now about me apologizing all the time and feeling guilty for things I have no responsibility for (you know like the day was cloudy or the mail came an hour late)... My sister and mom called me the other night laughing to ask me if I felt like a "bad daughter" yet. Well, no, I don't. I have no reason to; it's not my fault and it's not that I don't care and wouldn't come if I could. But I do hate that I'm stuck way out here when things go wrong and I may not be able to come home. But such is life and life goes on.

The last exciting or not thing to my week was dealing with a son and his bad grades and his hiding them and his lack of responsibility..... I won't bore myself with remembering it all here again. Then I called my mom in tears, blabbed all my "deep, dark secrets" and felt silly later. After all the child was fine when he cooled off in the shower and I obviously don't need to take him too seriously; face it he was just being "bratty." I didn't say my child was a brat, just behaving brattily.

Well, at least the week is over and the weekend now here. The kids are good to me, and I do love them dearly. All is well again on the home front until the next crisis, and my dad is home and will make it and if he takes care of himself live to be an old pestering man. :) He! He!

Another week of my life is done, and now I must prepare for the next.

Shallow Me

I often tell my sister that she's "too deep" for me. It's become a joke between us. I make the same comment to my hubby lots of times. My sister and husband and parents have lots of well-thought out opinions about many topics, and they are not afraid to read, think, and talk about controversial issues, politics, church/religion/God, or about anything else that comes up in adult conversation. (Which can sometimes make for "interesting" situations in our family of talkers.) And now even my kids are starting to get "deep" on me from time to time. Then there's me. :)

See I think life is like a swimming pool. You know how a pool is, right? A shallow entry end that's safe for the "little kids" who can't really swim much or well. Their parents are always right there with them watching over them so they don't get in water too deep or over their head. Then there's this rope that marks off the deep waters where the good swimmers can go. That's where you dive in and swim and do laps and all that really "grown-up" stuff.

Well, see, I live in the shallow end of the "Pool of Thoughts." It's to protect myself so I don't drown from thoughts too difficult for me to comprehend. :) I'm just kidding!

I just sometimes can't form opinions on topics because I think I think on this side of an issue, and then I start thinking about the other side, and well, then I get "confused" or I just don't know. I don't have time to be as well-read as my hubby on current events or political things. He reads all kinds of news sites daily on the Internet and in print to find many different sources & reads people from many points of view and follows topics regularly. He knows and often contacts our various governmental representatives, stays abreast of what's going on in the local government, has all kinds of thoughts and opinions about politics... He reads about historical events; although since he does teach world history and has taught government, I guess that makes sense. He has strong views on capital punishment, immigration, the economy, and many other topics. When I talk with or listen to my parents and sister, I feel the same way about them.

It's not that I think I'm not smart and they're all brilliant or something. I know I'm a smart person too. I don't know what it is; maybe I'll blame it on teaching 5 year olds all day long. :) Outside of working with kids, and whatever insights I get from above there, I don't think I'm a very deep person. Maybe it's because all my brain power is spent trying to listen to all those kids all day long, and then I have to go home and listen to my dear children blab, giggle, complain, bicker... and remember who has what tonight and has to be where and when, and what are we cooking for dinner, and how much $ is in the checkbook (will this bounce before payday?), and what am I going to put on next week's menu.... That's it! Maybe I'm killing all my brain cells thinking about all that other stuff! :) Ha! Ha!

I don't know why I'm so shallow sometimes, but this is what I do know. I know that I'm a good wife, mom, and teacher. I know that I absolutely adore my three almost grown children and love lots of kids at school; I get morning hugs and "hi's" from kids I haven't even taught; the list of kids who come to see me for a hug in the morning has grown infinitely this year. Guess word has spread that I'm a hugger and hugs are free in my room. :) So I've decided maybe I was meant to be shallow. Seriously, that's where all the kids are in the pool, isn't it? So I'm okay with being shallow me. Leave the deep stuff for others. Besides, the shallow end is fun! :)

Sunshine

I have had some interesting challenges this school year. It has been one of the most difficult years for me as a teacher. Among my challenges this year, was a little girl (I'll call her Ann- though that's not her real name). Ann has come such a long way this year; it's almost like she's another child! Well, there have been many days when I thought Ann would never improve and that I must be a terrible teacher because I wasn't getting through to her or helping her to overcome her obstacles.

When at a loss, I've just hugged her and loved on her and silently prayed for her and myself and a few times even cried for her. BUT, when Ann is having a good day, she's a doll! She has the funniest laugh I've ever heard in a child, and a BIG smile! She loves to play in my hair- fascinated by it; I don't know why! She has stood for long spells at a time in the classroom and on the playground just playing in my hair, rubbing it, feeling it, smelling it, talking about it... Now she's fascinated by my skin with all its "spots and dots"- those pesky freckles, moles, and assorted marks I have. :)

When Ann's happy, I have to be happy- even on my worst days! It's like seeing the sun on a rainy day after a bad storm. It just brightens up my whole world! A while back, I started calling her my "Sunshine." Whenever she crawls up in my lap in the class or outside-which is daily, I greet with her that title and sing her the Sunshine song- you know- "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." At first, she giggled and said she wasn't my sunshine. But I've just kept explaining what that song/phrase meant, and have just kept singing that to her. Well this week, while walking, I heard another child say to me that Ann was my sunshine. I agreed and kept on walking with my class back to the room. Next thing I know, Ann is singing away the Sunshine song, and when I looked back at her, she was smiling and so proud! It looked like her face would bust from pride!

Today, she made me smile and feel so proud! Today, she told the whole class that she was my sunshine, and I was hers! WOW! "I am her sunshine, her only sunshine. I make her happy when skies are gray. I'll never know dear, how much she loves me. Please don't take her sunshine away."

Whisper Day

What's a teacher to do when she has laryngitis? Well, today I declared it "Whisper Day" in my classroom. Talk about being cute! A roomful of kindergarteners trying to whisper when they can't even use an "inside voice" under normal circumstances. They were, actually very good today; maybe they really do care about their old, grouchy teacher. :)

They all inquired or stared at me curiously when I croaked out or whispered my good morning greeting that I do everyday. Many of them looked like they were scared I had been abducted by an alien or something. Then, as the other children arrived, all the "old" kids who already knew about my voice kept going over to the "new" arrivals and whispering that it was "Whisper Day" and that Mrs. Thomas had lost her voice.

During morning meeting time, they kept questioning me about what happened to my voice and what did it mean "I lost my voice." So I tried to explain what that phrase meant. Many of them wondered where my voice went. So for our writing time we created a book (O said "It's going to be fiction 'cuz it's not real.") about where my voice might have gone. They had me looking in some interesting places- Harris Teeter (the local grocery store), my mother's house in Illinois (this author even looked at my mom's picture by my desk to find out what she looked like and drew her with her red hair), an airplane, the playground, and apparently my voice visited several students' homes overnight because they were searching in their homes in many stories. It was too funny! They really enjoyed creating these stories!

When recess arrived, they (and I) realized that all the children had managed to stay on green this morning- a major accomplishment! We celebrated and cheered!!!! At days' end, they were still there on the green light, and I rewarded them with their choice of stickers for their sticker charts or pennies for their banks. Whisper Day was actually really good. I was dreading it as I was going to be alone today while my assistant was proctoring tests in the older grades, but it turned out to be a good day!

My Momma

Many people think their mother is the best in the whole world; that is the subject of most Mothers' Day cards. On this Mothers' Day weekend, let me tell you about my momma.

You see my momma is not the most intelligent person in the world, not the most beautiful, not the wittiest, the wealthiest, not famous, well-known, or popular. By some standards, my mother might not be considered to be very successful in life as her wealth or influence may not be very far-reaching like those in business, government, or show-biz.

But, my momma is:

• beautiful- I know she thinks I'm a bit strange, but I have always (from my earliest remembrances) admired her hands. She thinks they're just ordinary-looking hands. She's even commented once or twice that they're ugly. But to me, they're beautiful. Those hands diapered my bottom, bathed me, fixed my "boo-boos," took care of me when I was sick, wiped away my tears, held me when I was frightened, hung up with pride my photos, cards, and many other "mementos" made by me, clapped and cheered for me at school concerts, recitals, graduations, squeezed my hand when I was in labor, and so much more than I could think of or list here. Now that I'm grown and far away, she uses her hands to send me cards, to call me, and when I come home- to cook my favorite foods. My momma expresses her love for me through her hands, and when I hold her hands or look at them, I see that love. My momma is beautiful- no matter what she thinks. :)
• intelligent- My momma may never have finished a college degree but to me she is one of the most intelligent people I know. She is self-taught- she learned to play the piano and improved her skills through self-training, practice, and hard work. She has learned to do so many jobs and has so many skills because she is so smart! She has held jobs that many people with "the training" could not do, and she works at a pace that most people can not. She has studied the Bible, and with God's help, gained insight far beyond what I can comprehend. She has lived a life that has thrown her many "hard knocks," but she has always tried to learn a lesson and be better for it. My momma is very intelligent!
• able to laugh- No, she is no comedian extraordinaire, but my momma has shown me that being able to laugh can get you through many tough times.
• rich- She may not leave much $ behind when her time comes, and she certainly doesn't live in a fancy home or drive an expensive car, wear lots of jewels and designer clothes. But, my momma has a treasure stored up for her in heaven that I don't think she even can comprehend. I can't wait until the day when the Lord presents her with her heavenly treasure. I know she will be shocked at what He has in store for her. She has lived a life of giving, sacrifice, and servant hood here on earth- even when she didn't want to or it was hard. I know she thinks she's failed a lot at this and that she hasn't been a good example. But she has; she has taught me that you have to give even when it's hard and even when you don't have it in you to do so. She is also rich because she has a family that loves her and people that care about her and see God in her. You can't trade anything on earth for these riches.
• influential- My momma has an influence that will go on into eternity. She has lived a life that, although not perfect, is still an example of how to walk for God. She has greatly influenced my life, the life of my husband, and now, my children. She has instilled a love for God, for life, for others, on us all. She has shown God to countless co-workers, people in far-away places, family members, neighbors, friends, and only God knows where these little rays of light have gone since she "shone" in their lives.
• faithful- to God and to her family. Even when other family members didn't believe in me, my momma didn't give up on me. She stood behind me when I wanted to get married at a very young age, when I went to college, when I got pregnant and became a mother yet again. She never gave up on me no matter what has come my way- unplanned pregnancies, homelessness (if it hadn't been for my parents), financial problems, car problems, health problems... She has listened to me cry/complain/vent about student's issues and my own kids. :) She has put up with me when I was being a baby, a brat, or just selfish. She has cheered for me when times were good and held me up when times were not. I know that no matter what happens in this life, I can depend on my momma. No, she may not like everything I do or say or choose, but she won't turn her back on me.

You can say what you want about your mother, and of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but as for me, I know that my momma is truly, the best.

I love you Momma! Happy Mothers' Day now and always,

Your Rebekah Rose, Becky-Boo, Beka

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Thank God for our neighbor- the same one we believe was shooting his gun in the street a couple weeks ago over a broken streetlight and that called the city on our cat- but thank God for him anyway. Today, he very neighborly loaned us the use of his tiller so that we could start a garden. Rob tilled the nicest garden patch we've ever had! While Matthew was at his baseball game, Robert and I worked together to plant: sunflowers and marigolds in the back and around the garden, two kinds of corn, three kinds of peppers, zucchini, yellow squash, carrots, green beans, watermelon, cantaloupe, and lots of tomatoes. I planted some hostas and kind of threw together a flower bed by the carport where Rob took out some half dead bushes for me. I also planted an herb garden; I've always wanted one of those! It's not planted prettily or neatly, but kind of like me- a thrown together, grow where it landed and bloom where you're planted garden. Hopefully it will still be pretty, smell good, and give us some fresh herbs for cooking this summer. I pray that God will bless our puny, and not-very-educated efforts at gardening with lots of fresh food this summer to save us on our grocery bill and to bless our neighbors, pastor(s), friends, and whomever we can.

My garden will never make the cover or even the fine print of Better Homes & Gardens and no one will ever "ooh" & "aah" at my ability or green thumb, but it was fun to work with my son, especially on this Mothers' Day weekend. And it will be yummy and healthy later, I pray and hope.

"It's Okay"

(For my little Denise, who will never know that she was used to teach me one of the most important lessons in life )

If I had forgotten, I was reminded today that even teachers and adults learn! More importantly I learned that the Creator of the universe knows where I am and even with all the things He has on his busy daily planner and to do list, He can still take time to see the smallest, least important person, need, detail... Yeah, God, I know. Even as I type this, He is reminding me of the lilies of the field and the birds of the air. He knows even when the birds die. He was watching my classroom today! That is such an awe-ing, humbling thought I cannot hardly wrap my mind around it.

As I've done this "egg"unit with my class, I wanted them to understand a couple really important ideas. First I taught them (and they really got this one) that even though we couldn't see it, there was a baby chick growing inside that egg. We were able to use an overhead projector to "candle" the eggs and we could "see" the chick growing & moving inside the egg. It was a wonderful experience for the kids and for me! According to the "official" national curriculum that I was loaned with the incubator the "embryo" doesn't become a chick until it pokes its little beak through the air space at the end of the shell and begins the hatching process. Well, that may be what the national curriculum writers say, but it's not what I taught my kids. I taught my kids the Truth according to the correct "Manual." I also worked hard to teach the kids that life brings ups and downs, and not all creatures survive in "this old world" of ours. I have taught and retaught and reminded the children many times throughout this unit that not all the eggs would develop and that not all the chicks would live. I have been very concerned that they not be overly upset by the concept of death through this project. I have reminded them that death is "part of life." I am probably overly sensitive to this topic since my own dad died when I was a child, but I wanted to help them understand this in a healthy way.
Well, today when I arrived at school, we had several chicks that had not survived the night, and several that had been born not quite completely developed and ready. The children had not arrived yet so we quickly moved the incubator up out of their sight. Thanks to many coworkers that came to our rescue, we were able to get the kids to a "safe" place, deal with the dead and dying baby chicks, clean up the mess... Throughout the day, we worked to dry off the sick chicks and tried to nurse them as much as we could. The kids were WONDERFUL!!! I am so VERY proud of them! They took all of this in stride, and reminded me (literally) that "this is just part of life."

Here is where the Lord comes in. While trying to play nurse, vet, or e.r. doctor, my little Denise came up to me and spoke to me. She didn't just talk to me like any other of my kids. She really spoke to my heart. Let me explain. Denise is a Spanish speaker. She barely knows any English and cannot, yet, speak English more than to name a handful of objects or colors. She mostly speaks to us in Spanish and is starting to use an English word paired with lots of Spanish words to try to communicate to us. This little child, touched my shoulder to get my attention, looked me deep in the eyes, and said, "Mrs. Thomas, it's okay." I replied something and started back to work. She repeated this once more, smiling at me very tenderly when she said it. I said something about "yes, it was okay..." and gave her a quick little smile and hug and went back once again to my work. But, Denise touched me again, looked at me and smiled, and said, "Mrs. Thomas, it's okay. Okay?" I know this will sound like nothing extraordinary to most people and to anyone that might know the child. To me, it had to be the voice of God speaking through a little girl from Mexico. It was His words and His smile and His heart that he put into my little Kinderchild to tell me that it was okay. I got it that time. I stopped what I was doing, hugged her tightly, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and said, "Yes, Denise it is okay." Then she went on with her day. Once I got it, she was done. It had to be God. It had to be the Creator getting my attention and letting me know that it was okay. Okay? Okay for what? I don't know. Maybe okay to be upset about some dumb, silly chicks; okay to care that the life I watched and helped hatch one day ago had not lived; okay to care that my kinders might be hurt or saddened; okay to care so much; okay to be "tender-hearted" as so many have called me this week; okay to be me; okay to be just the way I am- the way He must have made me for some strange reason that only He knows, but I will understand someday; okay to be Rebekah.

I posted this on my class website tonight as part of today's "summary" for parents- One thing I've been re-taught today- life is hard sometimes, but there is always good if you look. In the end, "it's okay!" Okay to be sad, to cry, to feel disappointment. Okay, to be happy, to cheer, to feel enthusiasm.

I've thought about it some more. There isn't always good if you look. There's always God if you look. May I always find God wherever I look. And may I remember that "it's okay." May I never forget today's school lesson.

Waiting Room Nerves

Please join me in the waiting room. :) I am nervous and excited!!! Today was "Hatching Day" in my classroom, and my children and I (as well as much of the school) have been eagerly awaiting this day. Since I have never done this project before, I was not quite sure what too expect. We all kept checking the incubator every few minutes hoping to see a chick. It must be hard work to break through all that! By day's end (which was 6 PM for me today), I saw six eggs with their first pip marks. I could hear the chicks chirping too through their shells and through the incubator! I can't wait to go back and see what we have in the morning. We did have one early hatcher that didn't survive, and we had to talk about life today. I was very proud of my students. I was more upset about this death than they were. One little kinderkid told me, very sweetly, "It's okay, Mrs. Thomas; that's part of life." :) Guess they do listen to me, huh? :) I am so grateful and thankful that a couple coworkers came and helped me. One lady, LeAnne, did the "dirty" work of opening up the eggshell a bit and looking at the baby chick. And Sarah helped me make the decision of whether it was alive or not. I hated that part!!! But, as my little one reminded me, this is part of life. Not all creatures survive or live a full life.
Thanks God, for the life you've given me and the opportunity to be a part of my kinderkids' lives!

Embryology 101

A long time desire of mine has been to do a "chick-hatching" project in my classroom. When I taught in Illinois, it was a project that was the "property" of another grade. Boy, teachers can be so territorial. :)

Now, in North Carolina, my principal said I could try this project. It is without a doubt, the most AWESOME thing I have ever done with my kids and that I have ever seen! As a mother of three, I know how wonderful an unborn child is- feeling the baby move inside, hearing its heartbeat, etc. I did not know watching a chick develop inside an egg would be so exciting or amazing!

I've learned or been reminded:

• baby chicks move inside their eggs
• you can see the changes through the egg (not clearly or super detailed, but still)
• how precious life is
• kids value life too

Our class has been eagerly watching the chicks development through our candling experiments and via the wonderful chart loaned to us by our poultry expert at NC State. The kids have been able to share this project with many other staff members, siblings, other classes, and even some parents/family members. They have helped me "teach" other visitors- including our special guest from the local news station. This opportunity has given them the chance to "be a teacher" while learning. So many kids and adults have stopped by to "peek" in on our little chicks and it may even make the school's morning show. I have tried to include the school, and get my kids excited about learning and sharing. No matter what else has gone wrong this school year, this project has been worth all the hard work and preparation. My kids may remember nothing else, but they will remember this.

And as I've checked on my little chicks periodically, monitoring each egg's progress and growth, watching them move around in their eggs, I am reminded once again of how awesome and amazing God is. Only He could create life in all its vast forms and varieties with all the intricacies, and then set it in motion to be able to reproduce itself. I will never cook an egg or look at a little bird outside my window without remembering the value and importance and the wonderful gift of life itself. God, you are truly so awesome!

A Good Night's Rest

A first for me in a LONG time. I had a decent night's sleep; the bonus part was I didn't even take anything to help me sleep either!

Do you know how priceless that is? When you've gone a long, long time without it, you begin to realize how important rest and sleep are to your body. My emotions have been all over the charts, and my brain has felt like it was on a roller coaster or race track and couldn't stop. I've been forgetful, had a hard time focusing and being organized.... I won't bore you with the details. I didn't know a body could feel so tired!

I will say one more thing about it though. THANK YOU GOD for letting me sleep one night! Could I please sleep some more? :) I'd really appreciate it.

Just Got To Laugh

Ever had a bad day? A bad week? Well, this has certainly been my banner week!!! If there could be a "Friday the 13th" of weeks, this would have been it. I've never had one quite like this, that's for sure.

Let me recap:

Sunday: I curbed the one of the van's tires (I think) on a sewer cover in the parking lot where I took Matthew to ball practice. Whatever the cause, when I got home I discovered a large 2 inch gash in the tire. I had no way to get back to pick Matthew up from ball practice or Barbara from work. Thankfully, with God's help, and a coworker's assistance & Rob leaving work early, we were able to get everyone back home safe and sound with little trouble.

Monday: A serious behavior issue developed in my classroom. I spent the day questioning two children and talking with the school's social worker trying to "solve" the mysteries of the situation. Then I had to contact two parents, one via our school translator. What fun explaining the situation to parents that was.

Tuesday: After picking up Barbara from work and her just getting started on her homework (@ 10:30 PM), we heard gunshots just outside our home. It was terrifying! Needless to say Barbara didn't get her homework completed, and I didn't get any sleep that night!

Wednesday: Due to all the insomnia I've been experiencing and the added drama of the night before and the resulting lack of sleep, I was having a very hard time getting myself up and on the road this morning. Needless to say, I was late to school. Rob and I had switched vehicles after the tire trouble, and I forgot that my tennies were still in the van. So I left thinking my shoes were in the car. I was wearing the old flip flops that Robert had given to me. I realized upon my arrival that I had no tennies, and that I was wearing shoes that were not allowed according to our school's dress code. So I had to go explain to the boss that I needed to go home and change my shoes. Thankfully, I have a wonderfully supportive boss who was more concerned about the safety concern we had experienced and my lack of sleep and Barbara's emotional well being than my footwear. :) After school, more running, running, running. Rob was working at the Hoppers again so I picked up kids from assorted places, and took everyone to youth group for their last time at our church in K'ville. Then when we came home and prepared to do our work and nightly routines and go to bed. The boys had gone on to bed, and it was just Barbara and I up still when we heard more gunshots. I called Rob on his cell, turned off all the lights and sat in the back of the house until Rob got home.

Thursday: Barbara and I had an argument (imagine that). I sent the boys into Food Lion to get some things for supper and for the food I needed to make for work on Friday. While they did my shopping, Barbara got in the front seat and we worked out our issues. :) Then the dear child stretched out with her feet on the dash and gently pushed on the windshield making a crack over a foot long across the window! Okay, now this is where it gets WEIRD and almost unbelievable, but I promise this is the truth! While on the phone with the insurance company, Robert was cooking pizzas for us and the oven caught on fire! I had to hang up and try to help him put out the fire. Reaching for the canister of flour, I dumped it into the oven only to discover that it was, in fact, powdered sugar- which, what do you know, happens to burn quite well! We finally got flour from the pantry, and Robert was able to put out the flames. Then I got back on the phone and took care of business. When I got done with all that, Robert informed me that the 2 liter of rootbeer had "exploded" or something. Thankfully, he had taken care of that for me. Maybe he knew I would have a nervous breakdown if he didn't deal with it immediately. :) Or maybe he just had pity on me this time. At bedtime, Robert was helping me fill the dog's big water jug when he dropped it on the deck and it broke (of course).

Friday: I spilled breakfast on my shirt while sitting at the gas station waiting on Matthew. So I went to school (late to boot) looking like a slob. Then just at lunchtime, I got myself tangled in the phone cord of my classroom phone, not realizing it of course. What do I do? Walk away from the phone, yanking the phone off the shelf, and pulling it, jack and all, right out of the wall! AND, there were still kids in the room and a coworker. BRILLIANT! I emailed my mom and hubby to tell them my latest funny. My mom suggested that I go home and lock myself in the bathroom. But I'm not sure that's a good idea either. The way things have been going that wouldn't do me any good because the lock would probably get stuck, the toilet would start overflowing and fill the bathroom and I would be stuck and drown! :)

So I've decided, what am I going to do? What can I do but just laugh! :) If this hadn't been me, I don't think I would even believe all this. What a week. So here I sit, too tired to do anything but stare at this computer. But on the inside, where it counts, I am busting a gut laughing! :)

Tired & Sorry, Sorry & Tired

What a week this has been! Who am I kidding? What a school year this has been! I didn't know I could be so tired and yet still keep going on somehow. How does a body function on so little sleep for so long? Why can't I sleep? These are the questions that seem to be a recurring theme for me once again. I did this when my mom got sick with cancer. Okay, stress and worry. But what's the problem this time?

I know God loves me and He doesn't just sit up there in the great beyond and zap me when I'm sinful or fail Him, even if it is often. But, I'm so tired and don't understand why I don't get any sleep, even when I ask Him for help every day and night. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Even our pastor one time said something like this in Bible study- "if a person can't sleep, maybe they need to search their hearts for secret sins and repent..." I've repented of everything I can think of and probably for things I didn't even need to repent of. I apologize to God, my family, my friends, my coworkers, acquaintances, and given the chance, will even apologize to complete strangers. Next thing I know I will be apologizing to the grass, trees, flowers, van... :)

This too is a major theme in my life. Ask my family or anyone who has worked with me for very long; they'll tell you!

I notice that with the sleep deprivation comes the self-dislike and guilt complex- okay, it makes it much worse. So I'm just trying to hang on and keep going. I know these are just feelings and not reality. Many people I work with say wonderful things about me (too nice if you ask me). So I must not suck (excuse my mouth, but it is how I feel) as much as I think. One foot in front of the other. My momma says (and I do remember this some) that she went through this. Some of my dear pals from school say that they have had the emotional rollercoaster feelings I'm feeling too. So, maybe it is just my age- cherish that thought. :) I know I have to just get through this time and it will pass. But right now, I don't want to live like this for a few more years.

I can take "medicine," which is what my friends at work keep telling me to do, and the doctor. So I tried it. Guess what, it makes me not sleep even more! Imagine that. So I quit.

Maybe I should not be so hard on myself. After all, this week brought with it a flat tire (I think I hit something that slit the tire) & all the excitement of finding transportation for my kids, having to ask for help from a coworker, more behavior issues to figure out at school (that list has gotten so long, it's disgusting!), flying by the seat of my pants all week long (even though I usually wear dresses) :) - okay, so I may be able to do it and no one else know it- but I do, forgetting my tennies & wearing flip-flops to school (YIKES!), hearing gunshots and being scared in my own home and (are you ready for this) then not sleeping well....

Trying to put it all in perspective, my kinderkids do love me and hang on me and play with me and laugh/kid/cut up with me & learn almost anything I present to them, and when I'm with them (even though their behaviors have been CHALLENGING) I feel God with me and know that I am in His will and that I am important to these little ones. When I think about my kids, I know I have done God's will and been a good mom. My kids are terrific!!! They are serving God, being a witness for Him, trying to live for Him, they do love us and help out a HUGE amount, are respectful to adults and us (usually-smile).... My husband loves me and says I'm his best friend. He has stood by me through thick and thin. My parents and sister love me and think highly of me.

So I'll just keep on putting one foot in front of the other for right now. Maybe with more prayer, some unisom, prayer, prayer, and a little more prayer, I'll get there. For right now, I'm tired and sorry. :)

what a day!

A teacher- that's what I am. I usually love what I am and what I do each day, but so far this year has been less than wonderful. The days are long and hard. There's biting, tattling, pushing, screaming from the kids. There's setting boundaries, explaining & reminding the rules, being consistent, providing firm, but loving, discipline from me.

But what about when the teacher is tired? What about when she doesn't feel well? Some days it's so hard to be a grown up. Wonder what the kiddos would do if their teacher had a tantrum? :) It would probably get their attention, but I guess I better not do that.

Guess I better keep doing what I love, even if it's hard or the joy isn't there yet, and soon enough these dog days of school will be past and I'll have my broken in kids that I always love. :)

But right now, I sure do miss my old kids.

Mrs.

This week, a coworker commented on me being a "Mrs." She told someone else in our conversation that I would understand what she meant & agree with her about losing my identity being a mrs and a wife and a mom. I know that a lot of women today feel that way, but I must confess that although I understand what she is saying, for me it is not true.

Maybe I am just weird, or really old-fashioned for my age, but I had to give her the blank look and tell her that I truly don't feel that way. I don't know why, but I don't. I guess I'm not a feminist or something, although I am not in the dark ages either. I just don't feel like I have lost myself by being a mrs. or taking my husband's name (which also came up) or being his wife or the kids' mom. That is all part of who I am, my identity. I am still me (whoever that may be)- no matter what the name is or what the title I am being called by. I know many will differ and that' s okay; I'm just saying that for me, my identity is many things: a kid who was named after her grandmother & a Bible times person, an older sister, a daughter, granddaughter, niece... As an adult I added other titles, wife, college student & grad, mom (my personal favorite), friend, teacher, and hopefully the one that shows the most, Christian. Being a mrs. is not a putdown, insult, or negation of the true me; it's just part of who I am. It's a part I also love a lot.

Yeah, there are days I would like to not hear my name "Mrs. Thomas" a million times over by a room full of 5 year olds, but I wouldn't trade being Mrs. Thomas for any other name in the world. Besides I wouldn't have wanted to be Ms. Lott all my life. No offense to my dad, but that name forever? Yuck!