From My Garden to Yours With Love

Rob & I have really enjoyed our flower patches; this is yet another of the TONS of sunflowers we have in all varieties! We have every sunflower I could find seed for- dwarf to mammoth, very pale yellow to dark, dark red (like this one), striped, and even several Mexican sunflowers (which are probably my favorite out there this year). The Mexican sunflower has attracted lots of hummingbirds and butterflies! We have also seen lots of goldfinches eating our seeds on the other flowers. There's a home here for anything sunflower, along with zinnias, marigolds, brown eyed susans, echinacea, and lots of other flowers.

They make me think of people and God. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round, and God loves them all. He made them all unique for different purposes. Hmmm, wonder what kind of flower I am in His garden ? :) Smiles!

Too Old For That

Barbara & Matthew are in Gatlinburg, TN with the youth group. Robert stayed home so he wouldn't miss his youth group service on Friday at the Vietnamese church, his church on Sunday, and then he got a lot of work, so it all worked out. Last night, he got home from youth group around 9:30 and was "hyper" as he calls it himself. He talked and talked, non-stop, literally- I am not exaggerating. He's always been like that, but now that he's almost grown, he describes these moments to us and often calls them "my ADD thing." He says his brain just goes and goes and his body may be tired, but his brain is on full speed and he can't stop it. He's fun to be with and a great guy to have around! He's funny and quite intelligent- even if I am his mom. He kept asking to do something- Sonic, a movie, a movie, a movie... I proposed bowling or a game, but he really wanted to go out and see a movie. We were waiting for Rob to get home from the 'Hoppers' game. I thought it would be fun to do something with him, especially since we rarely get only one kid at a time to do something special with. We looked up a movie, and by the time Rob got home the only movie still out there was in Burlington- a 20 minute ride away- at midnight. Rob and I didn't think we were up to that, but in the end, we left @ 11:30 and made the movie.

Let me just say it was a good movie, and we all had fun. I'm glad we went and made a memory with Robert. But, I am definitely not 20 anymore, and too old for watching a midnight movie out after working all day/week!

But, above all that, I'm glad I went with my "first baby" and did something. As Rob said when we crawled into bed @ 2:30- "Our days to do those kinds of things with him are numbered."

First Day of Work

I survived my first day back, and although I didn't feel "enthused," it was an okay day. Matthew came with me (God bless him!) and helped me move furniture and get things started on their way to being set up. I will be working my tail off to get it done by Friday with having to meet daily to get plans laid out and work out details.

So, on my first day back to work, I quickly fell right into the school year pattern:

• get up early
• go to work
• come home (only today I didn't have to go pick kids up from school or sports practice or an event or take them to work- so it was completely normal)
• take a quick peak at the mail & bills & check email
• cook a quick dinner
• take kids to work & church
• while kids are at youth group, spend TOO much time at walmart getting school supplies & snacks at two different stores for Kindercamp
• coming home from work/church & it's now 10:15 PM
• now starting my schoolwork that I do at home (oh yeah, teacher's only work until 3PM didn't you know)

And this is only the first day (& it was just a teacher "workday"- no kids, shorter hours); plus my own kids aren't in school/sports yet. It's only going to get busier!

Day 1 down; how many to go? :) Just kidding!

The Last Day of Summer

Today is my "last day" of summer vacation. Tomorrow I must return to Allen Jay Elementary. I love what I do, most of the time. I know for a certainty that this is my Godly calling in life, and I adore my kids-meaning students (most of the time). I enjoy working with families and being there for parents when they need someone in "their corner." I love making learning fun and new and interesting and making the kids excited about what I'm wanting to teach them. I love their enthusiasm and excitement and just being silly with them.

But I have to be honest with myself. Right now my heart is not in it. I've been worried about it some this summer, but thought "well, I'm just sort of burned out; I'll feel better when August gets here; my attitude will be better when it's time to go back." I know that my Momma and Rob would tell me that I've felt this way before, and it always works out just fine. I've had lousy years before; I've had challenges and problems and difficult students and difficult parents before. I know that's true! Then why don't I want to go back? Where is the Rebekah enthusiasm for a new year, new kids, new families, new crayons, new beginnings.....?????
I hope it comes back because I don't see how I can go through a whole year feeling "blah" about it like this.

It also hit me this morning, that this is my "last day" of summer with a "kid." I know that even though there will be a lot of changes next year when Robert goes to college, many things will stay the same. But, still, this time next year, Robert will need to be working as close to full time as he can to get $ for college. He won't be in high school anymore, and he will be "an adult" for all intents and purposes. His days of being able to hang out and run around with his mom are numbered. My first baby is really growing up and is almost there. So today, I took him with me (he even wanted to go) when I went to buy some clothes for me. He just went walking around the shops while I tried on clothes, and then we went to lunch together- Brueggers' Bagels- his choice. We talked and it was very nice. He was a nice gentleman, carried my purchases out to the car, held the store door for me. I adore that kid! :)

So today is my last day of summer. Thanks God, for a nice time with Robert, and for the reminder to do something special with him. Thanks God for a summer job that helped pay the bills. Thanks for taking care of our needs and wants and letting us go home to see family and finding a new church home and giving us a wonderful new car and, on this hot, hot day- thanks for air conditioning! I'd sure hate to sweat myself to death on this, my last day of vacation!

God, I know you know, but please help me to want to be at school again. Please give me a renewed sense of enjoyment, passion, compassion, and enthusiasm for what it is You've called me to do in this world. I sure would appreciate it Lord. And until then, please help me to just hang on to You!

With much appreciation for all You've done and with my love,
Rebekah :)

God, It's Not Me!

I aggravate some of my family and probably a lot of other people who know me because I'm "too hard on myself," "don't see myself the way others see me," "don't take compliments well," and a host of other such things I've been told my a million people. But the thing is God, that I don't want them to see me. I'm full of faults and failings, and though I may be too hard on myself, everybody else is way too generous with their high thoughts of me as a person and their praise. I don't want them to see me that way; I wish I could let You show more through me than I do, so people would see that what they really see is You, and not me!

I get all kinds of compliments on my children! It's a wonderful feeling! I love those compliments more than anything! I am so very, very proud of my kids! While most people gripe about their teenagers, I really can't too much, other than the usual parent/child moments, my three teens are respectful, obedient, responsible out the wazoo, pretty mature (well sometimes anyway), loving, compassionate, generous, helpful..... You know this all Lord! And, let me stop here to THANK YOU for them!!!!!!!!!! So many thought they were "mistakes" or "accidents," and I was counseled by some to not bring them into this world, but they were and are the ONE right thing I have done in this life!

But God, it's not me that makes me a good mom- it's been You walking along with me, smacking me upside the head when I was being a dense mom, helping me to learn from other's mistakes, giving me directions/guidance/help or sending me help and guidance and, most importantly, prayers through my own momma!

I get lots of compliments from many people about my style of teaching and the way I work with kids. But God, I'm not a good teacher. It's You! Lord, You know that I've been sick to death of kids and parents and coworkers lots of times. I'd have thrown in the towel a long time ago if it hadn't been for You who wouldn't let me! It's You that makes me love those kids and their families when I'm ready to give up on it all. You help me see the past the ugly and see the real kid behind all that "yuck" stuff I have to deal with. It's You that has given me favor with parents, superiors, kids. It's You that draws my heart out and makes me give myself to little ones so much. If it relied on me, I wouldn't because it hurts too much to stick your everything out there and get it trampled on.

I'm not a good friend at all to most people. I mean to be, but I fail so many times! And Lord, I know I have failed my family (especially now that we live way out here) many times. They've told me some of the times, and I'm sure there are many more that they just keep to themselves and don't tell me for kindness' sake.

I know I'm not a good church member. I am so embarrassed to admit this to myself, let alone to anyone else, but I often have HATED going to church. I'm sorry for this Lord, because I know this is not You. It really wasn't about You, but the other "stuff" that church can sometimes come to mean to other people, and the baggage I've allowed myself to pick up and the hurts I've allowed to cloud my vision. I am working on this one right now, Lord, You know that! I love to get lost in worship (especially when the lights are off and I can just focus on You), and I love to hear Your word (especially from our new pastor). I'm hoping things are going to be better at this new church, but I can't hide from You that many times in my life, going to church was just what I did because I knew I was supposed to and I should and that I would be sinning if I didn't...

I can go on and list all the ways I'm NOT..., but God You already know this. I just wish I could let You shine more and more and me be less. Please help me to not take Your credit away from You, and help me to keep on learning to be more vocal about passing on the compliments to You.

Please let Your light just go right on through me and out to those around me.

And, God, thanks for taking the "me" that I am, and making me better than I am. Thanks for making me be a good mom to my wonderful kids. Thanks for making me able to touch all those little lives I have been a part of. Thanks for giving me more time to be there for my husband, my parents, sister and brother, and friends.

I'll keep on trying.
Me

Tara, Sonya, and all the homeless "others" I've met

Since we have moved to Greensboro, I keep running into- some almost literally (that's another story)- homeless people. It doesn't seem we can go anywhere, drive anywhere, walk anywhere, or even sit in our own home without seeing someone who is homeless and begging for $ or food or something. It kills me to see them. I have been warned by coworkers to be more careful about talking with, dealing with, helping these "people." I even had one person tell me that many of these people live better than me. I've heard about undercover news stories that showed homeless people who begged all day and then went home to big fancy homes and Hummers and the like.... I don't doubt that these people might, in fact, exist. I know that many homeless people are just "drunks" or "junkies" or have mental illnesses. But, no matter what I hear or even think about why people are homeless or the problems/addictions/sins they may have in their lives, I can't get past that God loves them too, that God has blessed me too much to just turn my back.

See, I've been hungry before. Not for long, not starving, not without any hope, but hungry and without enough food in our home. I remember a time when Rob & I ate only ramen noodles (at 10 cents a pack) for breakfast, skipped lunch, and then another pack for supper so that we could buy diapers, baby food, and formula. When we got that bad off for a few weeks, I swallowed my pride and went to a food pantry. I sought other sources for food so we wouldn't go hungry. Boy, were those humbling experiences to have to ask for a handout from a church or organization because we couldn't provide enough for ourselves while going to college. We also took a lot of help from our family, without whom we would have been homeless at one point or living in a car. I don't have any idea how embarrassing it must have to be to stand on a street corner or to approach someone in the parking lot or on the street to ask for $, but I know that you have to be pretty bad off to resort to this. I know that without family and "resources" available to me and a good upbringing, I would now be in a much different place. Without God, who knows where/what I would be right now.

I HATE passing people on the street and not helping them; I hate thinking that maybe they are hungry and I could at least for one meal solve that problem. I know I can't solve all or most or even a few of their problems, but I can at least buy them a meal or take them some food from my home. I don't always do this, but I have when I could. The last time I did this, the lady ended up almost harassing us several times late at night and wouldn't quit coming. She wouldn't take food from us, only wanted $, which we could not do. We ended up calling the police on her finally because she was trying to open our door and scared me and the kids half to death. I was "warned" by the police officer about giving "these people" food or $....

So yesterday, while Robert and I were on our weekly lunch & grocery run, we met Tara who was begging in the parking lot of the restaurant we were visiting. We "missed" her going in as she went to someone else first, but before that, she almost walked into the car trying to get me to stop (this is not the first time that has happened to Robert & I). When we came out with our full stomachs, we couldn't avoid her. I feel shamed for admitting that I was going to try to avoid her as I was afraid it would be another scheme for cash. She shook my hand, complimented my dress, and shook Robert's and wouldn't let go of Robert until she told her story (nice trick). She was crying and hungry and told us where she was headed.... All she asked for was some food from the Taco Bell down the street. I asked her if that was what she wanted, just something to eat. After my last experience, I wouldn't let her get in my car, but told her to walk down there and I would buy her some food.

I will never forget her face- the look of relief that I was really going to buy her something to eat, and the look of fear that I might just be lying to get away from her. She walked on down the street, but not without looking back over her shoulder several times to see if I was really coming. Robert noticed and told me, "Mom, she is afraid you aren't coming." Robert & I agreed to pray with her before I took her in, and I am so proud of that 17 year old son of mine! We stood together and held her hands and prayed with her and for her right there on a crowded, busy street in G'boro- one of the busier, and he wasn't the least bit embarrassed! She hugged us both several times- in the parking lot and in the restaurant and cried, thanked us over and over. She hadn't had a bath in a while I could tell from the way she smelled and the condition of her hair and clothes. I told her that I was more than happy to buy her a hot meal. Told her that there had been a time when there hadn't been enough food in the house for us and three babies, and that God had taken care of me and I was praying that He would take care of her too. She was only going to order a taco, and I told her to get whatever she wanted. She ended up spending a lot more than I intended, but as we followed her afterwards for a block or two, we watched her meet up with someone else who was out begging and she shared her food with that person.

That has happened before. One time, we cooked some food for Rob to take to a guy on the corner of two busy streets begging. Rob told me when he got there, there was enough for him and one other person we had seen, but when Rob gave the man the food, he whistled and some other homeless people came down from nearby corners and they all shared that food with each other and were so thankful for what was now not that much between them all. Thanked Rob over and over. Made us feel so humbled and bad that we hadn't taken more food.

So God, I know that I've been lied to by "these people" before and that Tara was giving me a line about walking to Burlington. I know I am probably a big, gullible, sappy, dumb person who will feel badly and may appear to "fall" for someone's story. And I guess when I get to heaven, You can give me the "Dumbest, Most Gullible Christian" award. That's okay. But will You please watch out for Tara, Sonya, the man in the ice storm last winter, the lady on Christmas day, the High Point Wendy's lady, all those people who stand on High Point Road and Holden and the Randleman Rd/Hwy 40 overpass, and all the others we've met, seen, driven by, helped or not helped, but noticed and wished we could do something for? You love them too, I know, and they need You more than I could ever know or imagine. Somehow in their dark conditions, let them find You and call on You to guide them into the light and into a better life.

And help me to find ways to help "these people" and give me wisdom to know when I shouldn't and protect me from my own "stupid" but well-intentioned self.

Nothing Much

Today I said goodbye to my summer school kids. I can't believe how quickly this month ended up going and how much more fun I had with those middle school kids than I thought I would! ;) I have two days off this week, the weekend, and two days off next week before I start my next summer school session which will run right up to the first day of school. Not much break, but then you know what they say about "no rest for the wicked!" Ha! Ha! :)

I am so loving watching all my various sunflowers bloom; probably driving my family nuts with all the pictures and oohing & aahing every day over them and the new ones that opened and all the pretty colors.... But, I am having fun watching the fruit of our spring labors, and do enjoy playing with the pictures on the computer. So for tonight, here is a picture series of the sunflowers in their various stages of blooming.

Blessing

Our new car, which I named :) Rosie

It's midnight, and I have to rise for another work day in just a few hours, but I have to jot myself a note. Yesterday our car "died." Today, a new car came home with us.



God is too good to even fathom, and He continues to look out for us, as He always has, even when I couldn't always see it at the time.



Today, I bought "my" very first, ever in my whole life, brand-spanking new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am 36, and have never before owned or bought a new car. Most of our vehicles have been old beaters or cars with way too many miles. Thanks to family members, we have had some good used cards that we were able to use until they just fell apart. Now, I was able to get a new car on my own credit, without anyone's help or anything!



God you are too awesome, too good, and too kind to me, and I for sure, don't deserve it. BUT, I'll take it with a very heartfelt, "Thank You Father; I appreciate this more than I can say! Good night God!"

Life, Test, or Trial- I'm Gonna' Keep on "Truckin' On!"

There have been times in my life when I thought I was going through a trial or maybe that God was testing me. Sometimes, my wise mother has reminded me, that not all troubles are tests or trials, but just plain old life. And, I have to admit, that my momma is probably right, as she often has been in times past.

Well, whatever it is- a test or trial or just life- our car broke down today on our way home from church without any warning that it was going to quit. I mean, really, it could have at least spluttered or put on a light or given some signal yesterday that it wasn't feeling well. But, it didn't. It just blew apart the transmission and we had to pray it home, literally. It was only God that we even got home; the car literally breathed its last as Rob put it in park in front of our house. Now the red car sits on the street in front of our house awaiting its final diagnosis and possible final destination. :) Dramatic, aren't I? :) Just feeling a little silly, that's all.

Our new pastor has been preaching about spiritual warfare, and today he concluded with the importance of prayer. God really spoke to Rob in the sermon, and he went forward for a time of prayer. After church, he apologized to me for not being a better "high priest" or spiritual leader for our family as the Bible talks about. We discussed this on our drive from church to take our daughter to work and then to stop at the gas station and go on home, and we agreed to make some specific changes starting today to help each other do a better job of being accountable to each other about praying, consistently and more fervently, for our children and family and our students, etc., etc., etc.... This had not more than come out of our mouths when within just a few minutes the car's transmission (and we're not sure if it's anything else) went kapoooeee!

It's sort of frustrating to me because God has been good to us and been blessing our finances as I've worked hard this past year to get them in shape. With God's help, I will have our van paid off early this fall and the car paid off by late fall, and a lot of other things are starting to "fall into place." It keeps happening that just when things start to get better, something always seems to go wrong. I know that God has helped us SO-O-O-O many times in the past, and He will helps us this time too, I am sure of that! And, as I keep telling Rob and have said to myself and even shared with my momma, when we've had car trouble or other problems like these in the past, they put us way behind, having to not pay other bills, borrow or mooch off family, pay late on other things... just to fix a vehicle. We were always behind, and now we somehow find enough $ to take care of many of the things that have needed repairs. So, we must be getting better off. I know this will be taken care of.

So, I guess I'll just start today's prayer with asking for wisdom about how to solve this car issue. I prayed a few weeks ago when this car had some other problems, and felt impressed that He had given us this car and, therefore, it is really, His car. So God, your car is broke. Do you want it fixed? And if so, how? Where? If not, what should we do with Your car? Help us to know what You want for us, and to have the wisdom, faith, courage, and ears to understand Your will today.

So, whatever the outcome, my hope and prayer is that Rob & I will pass this life event (or test or trial) with God giving us a good grade. More importantly, I want to know that I made Him proud of me for the way I handled another of the events in my life and that perhaps I can use this to shine a little light on someone else's path.

For now, I'm His "broke down, but not broken" Rebekah :)

My Pretty Prairie Flower

I LOVE the prairie; guess it's the romantic in me, but I have always been infatuated with the idea of the prairie since I was a little girl and read/watched the "Little House on the Prairie" books and t.v. series. :) Growing up in Illinois and living there and in Iowa for the past few years, I could just picture the open miles of rolling grasslands and wildflowers, butterflies, bison, deer, birds, prairie dogs... all as they used to be centuries ago.

About a year before we moved out here to N.C., I asked Rob to "humor" me and we all went to a natural wildlife prairie reserve in central Iowa. It's not that big, relatively speaking, but it was BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! It was all I dreamed it would be (although being summer, it was almost unbearably hot!).

Being the romantic prairie-loving Midwest girl I am, I, naturally, love these echinacea flowers! So when I moved here to Greensboro, I planted myself one just to have a bit of home to remember my native Midwest by. They made it through the "bitter" winter here (ha, ha, ha) and are blooming away again this year. In fact, they're so heavy with blooms this year, that I had to stake them up with a dowel rod!

So now in the wooded Southeast, I have my prairie corner to enjoy every day for these hot days of summer. And until I can go west and see it again, with my own eyes, I will have this reminder of home.

The Ones I Love- well most of them, but not all!

Just playing around and trying to learn something new today. These are some of the people I love most in this world!!!!!!!!

Allergies or not, that is the ?.

Dr. says I have allergies. He's not the first Dr. to tell me this. This Dr. says my nose is one of the worst he's ever seen & orders allergy tests for me. I've been on allergy medicine off and on for over a year now and on this round of medicines since late February. So what do the tests show? No allergies. Which is fine- great no allergies- I'm thrilled! No more allergy medicine or problems. I've been healed!

Except why I am I having a sinus headache and pressure for three days since I quit taking the medicine? Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac or something. Maybe I just want to get attention or something and just don't realize it or can't admit it. Maybe I'm just mental.

So I am going to go back to just whatever happens, happens, and shut my mouth. Dr. wants to just treat the ear disease and follow up if I need it. Well, I won't need it! If others can put up with health issues and not complain then I can too. But I wish I understood why I have "a bad allergic nose" as the Dr. puts it (even on medicine) if I'm not allergic to anything!

I'm so aggravated and confused about myself! But, then again, what's new! :) Ha! Got to love myself sometimes! For now, I'm off to walk and keep on working on the "fat" part of me. That I can do something about, I hope!

My "Roots"

I've always had this desire to trace my ancestry on my dad's side. I knew that my great-grandparents were born on a Indian reservation in Oklahoma and were mostly Indian, and that there was more Indian blood in our family than just that, but I've never been able to find out more.

While we were visiting family in Illinois, my sister and I received a phone call and information from our paternal grandmother about our "roots" so to speak. It caught sis and I quite by surprise to be hearing this information we've always wanted to know and then to find out so much!

We, are in fact, quite a bit more "Indian" than we would have guessed. And we now know more about the nation we are from. Our grandmother even sent us the packet of info and all kinds of stuff we need to be recognized as part of the Western Cherokee Nation. We have finally gotten a piece of the puzzle and lots of the info we need to start putting it all together.

I know that the heritage that really matters is the one that has Christ's name written on my heart, and I know that the home I really long for is not here on this planet but in Heaven. But for now, this does answer a lot of questions I have always had, and it means a lot to me to have a bit of my heritage, my "roots" made known to me.

A New Church Home

I HATE finding a new church!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate feeling out of place, not knowing a single person, being unsure where to go, having to make myself be more outgoing and introduce myself and my family, and chat with complete strangers, and try to remember names and names with faces.... Did I say that I really don't like going to a new church?

Well, for reasons that I won't bore myself with here, Rob and the kids and I started looking for a new church home in April after being at our church since we moved here in August 2005. It was a very hard decision because I didn't want to hurt my children, and I didn't want to hurt anyone at the "old" church, and because we all hate visiting churches. But we did visit some. Not as much as we probably should have, and not all the places we thought we would. But, we found this church we kind of liked, and we have gone back off and on over the past few weeks. Sunday, we just knew it was where God wanted us to go. Almost from the moment we walked in, Rob & I (without talking to each other until the end of the service) were feeling the same thing and thinking the same thing. We verified with Barbara & Matthew, again, that they were happy there, and made the decision to make it our church.

Here were some of our reasons:

1. The kids like it. - It has an active youth group that is meeting each week with a young adult leaders. The kids seem to like the youth services, and have talked about what they studied. It has all been very sound teaching so far. And, it has cute, Christian boys- so that can't be beat! :) Barbara would kill me if she read this. Ha! Ha!
2. I love the worship! It is contemporary worship & praise (which I really love) and the kids and Rob like the music too. They turn the lights way down low and the only lights that are really on are on the platform, so no one can really be focused on their neighbor... They have a worship band with LOTS of guitars, a keyboard, and drum, so that, again, is right up our family's alley.
3. I know that serving God is more than just your feelings, but I can feel God when I'm there. I hear Him speaking to me in worship, and it's always been His love that I feel, not condemnation from anyone else or myself (which is the biggest source of that). I hear God in the messages, and have been encouraged by each one.
4. The pastor is a "person." Let me explain. We've never really "met" the pastor as we have usually just gotten out of there when church is over, but this week when we came in the pastor came up to us, and held out his hand, and said, "Hi, I'm George." Not "I'm Pastor so & so,: or "George Whatever-my-last-name-is, the pastor here," or "I'm Reverend...." just plain old, normal guy "George." Not that I'm saying that any of those other things would be wrong or bad for a pastor to say. I'm just saying that it really struck me as different from any of the pastors we've had in a very, very long time. And I don't mean to say that all of the pastors I've known are horrible; they weren't/aren't and they each had many good qualities. But, many of them came across as superior or a bit higher than the rest of us. I've often felt that some of them truly felt like they were just a class higher with God or in society or in intellectual ability than those of us in the pews. It came across in sermons, prayers, responses to questions, and in conversations. But, on Sunday, it really got me that this pastor was just introducing himself to Rob like "Hey, I'm like you, a normal guy with normal concerns and worries, and needs..." Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should, but that's just how I felt. This has also been the feeling I've gotten from listening to his sermons too. He sits down on a stool and preaches from there- no podium, no Bible-thumping, no stomping-on-your-toes, no "holier than thou," just reading the scripture and sharing some thoughts to help you grow. It's so down-to-earth and humble and nice. It also comes through in his weekly newsletter and on his My space page (yes, I'm still wrapping my brain around that one).
5. It's not a dinky church where the kids won't really have anything to be involved in or a youth group to be part of. But, it's not a giant church where we can't get to know anyone or will be just another person/body/#/tithe check.

I'm hoping it will continue to be "just what God ordered," and that we will all find our niche there. And for now, we are the "newbies," so I guess we'll all have to try to "come out of our shells" and get to feel part of this new church home.

It Was 1989

It was 1989. I was 18, very naive, and said, "I can go to college and be a mom at the same time." :) Ha! I had no idea what I was getting into or what was headed my way! I was young, dumb, and so inexperienced! I thought I could parent a child and be a student (and I did), but I didn't know that child # two & # three would make back-to-back appearances behind #one! However, I did manage to go to college and be a mom at the same time- even with three! My time was filled with being a mommy, trying to manage all our schedules (feeding, diapering, playing, etc.) with two adults' college schedules and work schedules, and fitting (cramming) assignments and projects for my classes in where and when I could. I remember my mother telling me to enjoy the children because time would go by very quickly and they would be grown and gone before I knew it. Yeah, right, Momma! How can that be possible?! They're just babies for crying out loud! I will & do enjoy my children, but is there anything wrong with wishing they were older so I didn't have so many dirty diapers, diaper bags to carry, bottles to make, toys to pick up, and sleepless nights?

Jump ahead to 2007. I am 36 years old, a mom of three great teenagers (no, I didn't kill any of them), a wife, a teacher, and still just as busy-only with different demands on my time now. And, I found out that my momma was right. I always knew she was, but couldn't really comprehend the concept she was trying to get through to me. :) (Are you smiling yet, Momma?) I am now mother to three high school students- a senior, a junior, and a freshman! Where has time gone? How did it happen so fast? What happened to all those moments I remember?

Now looking back, I can see so many moments- big & small- that we went through, my children and I. Some of them were "big" in my eyes and I knew they were, but so many more were just day-to-day events and things that were not necessarily even thought of at the time. At the time, I didn't recognize their importance in my life or just thought it was a "normal" day. But now I am beginning to see that those simple things are just as important and "big" as all the "big" memories I have. These are just a few of the moments I hope I will always remember:

"Big" Moments:

• feeling their movement inside me
• hearing their heartbeat for the first time
• seeing their shadows on an ultrasound photo
• their births
• all the "firsts"- the first diaper, the first bottle, the first trip in the car to go home, first sounds & words, sitting up for the first time, crawling, standing, walking, running, talking
• hearing my little ones say "Mommy" and "I love you"
• going to school, and then middle school, and then high school
• learning to play an instrument
• puberty- need I say more?!
• learning to drive- YIKES!!!!!!!!
• first crushes and maybe, now or soon-to-come, first loves

"Little" Moments:

• taking naps with them when they were little-watching them sleep & enjoying them cuddling up with me
• reading stories together
• playing in the play dough or doing puzzles or building together with Lego's & blocks
• playing Barbies with them and doing silly voices
• having "camp-out" nights in our room or the living room where we watched a movie together and then all just went to sleep right there on our sleeping bags or in our bed
• watching them play on the playground and in the yard
• hearing them fight with each other and play with each other
• the "haircut" in the closet they tried to hide from me
• the candy in the Barbie helmet
• the famous "slide fight" of 1995
• the "Nascar" incident and the "white trash teacher car"
• the night conversations and walks that they were not even awake to remember, but we laughed a lot about later
• the famous "floating" blanket that nightly made its appearance on its way to our bedroom
• all the gazillions of times they came home having learned something new at school, and now all the times they learn something I don't know or can't help them with
• the water fights and pillow fights and real fights
• cooking together
• turning out the lights in the church :)
• puking on a stuck up lady at church :)
• frantically searching for certain children who liked to hide from me in Walmart under the clothes racks and thought it was terribly funny!
• going to all the games and meets and concerts, and sometimes laughing at the silly faces certain children made during the event! (and one time holding up a cell phone so a sick grandma could hear the concert music)

I knew these moments would come to an end one of these days, but I didn't realize how quickly the time would go. I was too busy washing cloth diapers, preparing bottles, picking up toys, diapering, feeding, and being a "mommy" to notice that my little ones were no longer so little. Then these past few years, once that realization sunk in, I have been adjusting to their being in "middle childhood," and I have gotten used to them developing into teenagers and being so smart and learning lots of new things. But, still, I thought time wouldn't go so fast. Instead, it's only gone faster.

Today, we received Robert's senior picture info and his photography appointment time. And it has really sunk in, for a moment anyway, that my children are almost grown. All those big & little moments will, in just a few more years, come to an end. I am about to take another of those "big" steps we parents have to take, ready or not, whether I want to or not. We've been talking college and adulthood and life plans and "stuff" (Robert, Rob, & me) this past year, but I'm slow to wrap my brain around these things. Robert knows where he wants to go and what he wants to do after graduation, and he will still be around here for a few more years, but, still, it's going to be different soon. He's almost an adult, and I have to start letting go more and more. And then, it will be Barbara's turn and then Matthew's shortly afterwards. I'm not going to get much of a break between them all or have much time to prepare for my new parenting stage.

I know there will be lots of "other" moments after this stage of parenting. I know from my own "kid" experiences, that when you have a good parent you never stop needing help/info/advice or a relationship with your folks. I look forward to all those moments, whatever they may be- eating out together as adults at a nice restaurant (& not McDonald's), meeting future daughters-in-law & son-in-law, weddings, grandchildren, college graduations, family get-togethers where I can wait on my family like my momma has done for us for years, and hopefully, most important of all to me- a chance to be my kids' friends. And there are certainly parts of this stage of parenthood that I will not miss: being "dumber" than I thought :), listening to three know-it-all kids argue with each other and try to prove the others wrong, trying to help with homework I can't even understand, running, running, running, running (it will be nice to not have to be somewhere almost every night of the week again), all that $ spent on food and clothes and school expenses and gas, all that laundry, cooking, cleaning...

BUT, I am going to miss the noise too, and hearing "Mom" from across the house, and seeing my daughter wave goodbye to me everyday no matter the time of morning I leave or the weather outside or how sleepy she is, and watching my boys roughhouse together with each other or their dad, and having Robert talk to me about his friends and school, and playing a game or watching a movie with Matthew.

I am making sure I enjoy each day I have with my children because the days with them are numbered, and I want to make sure that I don't miss any of the "moments"- big or little. I want to catch them all and fill my mind full of all the times we have had, both good and bad, so someday I can tell my grandchildren about them and so that I can look back and remember all these steps I took with my kids.

A Beautiful World

I just got back a few days ago from a trip "home" to Illinois to see our family there. I love driving across the country. From our first visit to NC in 2005 when I was able to see the ocean for the first time, to last week when I travelled again across the Appalachian Mountains and out into the "plains" of Illinois, I have been reminded again and again how truly creative and powerful God is.

I know my travelling experiences are so minute compared to many people, and I have seen so very little of the world. But, I have seen enough to see the hand of God around me and to know that He exists.

Travel with me from NC to my native Midwest. I have seen an ocean that flows in and out as if a mighty hand pulled it back and forth like a yo-yo in steady motion. To know and feel the awesome power contained in each wave, the ability to push/pull objects into the land or sweep them out to sea, to crush boulders and shells into tiny, minuscule pieces of sand. To see the life that manages to live right at the edge of the sea and thrives in spite of the harsh conditions. To feel the constant wind blowing on your face. To watch the birds that look for food amongst the waves, rocks, plants, and sand, and to know that God is watching over them and knows their every move.

As you drive across this state, you can see the coastal plains slowly rise into the hilly "Piedmont" which, in turn, gives way to foothills and then to mountains. To see the mountains looming overhead, and to know that they are larger than they appear from below or far away in your vehicle. To fathom the number of trees it must take to cover those mountains or to think of the plant and animal life contained in those forests that stretch for hundreds of miles on end and know no state boundary. To imagine the Creator just stretching out his Hand and speaking those hills and forests and mountains and life into existence.

Then on "the other side" you do the process in reverse. Mountains give way to foothills, which yield to rolling hills which eventually level out into the plains. Let me tell you about the plains. They are beautiful when they are filled with fields of wildflowers and prairie plants (my personal favorite), but the fields of corn, soybeans, and alfalfa are also wonderful to watch grow from seedlings through to harvest. Each season brings its own beautiful colors, and I always loved driving the back roads to school to watch the farmers plow, sow, and harvest and to see the fields change from seedlings to full crops and to see the plants change from light green, to dark green, to golden. To see the storms come across the fields and watch the clouds out in the open is an awesome experience! To see for miles across the fields. To see all the little farms, barns, fields.

I've never been further west than this or out of our own country, but I hope to someday. I know there are many more wonders to behold, and each proves God's existence. I like to think of God holding this sphere of clay we call Earth in His palm, and using his fingers to mold the clay & soil into hills, plains, mountains, plateaus, seas, rivers... I can just see Him, as the ultimate artist, critiquing His own work and saying, "Oh, I think this area should be flat, and I want to put some mountain peaks here. What about a river through this area? Hmmm, this would be a good place for a lake." I know that is just my silly view, but however He made our world, He has proven by its existence that He is the most powerful, creative, and awesome being.

And, God, it sure is a beautiful world!

On Fathers Day

Today is a special day that is set aside to honor our dads. For those who have been blessed with a good dad, it is a day to share love, good memories, remember, and honor their dad. It can be a hard day for those who have "lost" their dad through death or divorce or for those who never knew their dad or had a lousy dad.

For me, it is both. But, I remember that I have been blessed greatly! I had a good dad who loved my mom and his daughters. He left us too early, but I know that he loved us, tried to provide for us, taught us, and was a good example for us. He loved God, most importantly, and we will get to see him again. It hurts on this day, among others, to remember him and to know that my kids don't know him and that he has missed all the important things in their lives.

BUT, this is where I am doubly blessed. God didn't leave us all alone. He sent my mom a husband, a mate, a friend. At first I thought he was "okay," but didn't really like the idea of my mom remarrying. Then when they got married, and I had new siblings to deal with and less of my mom to go around (now I had to share her with my sister, and a step-dad, and two step-siblings with issues of their own too), I really started to not like "this arrangement." I was really jealous of Pop and his kids. I remember lots of arguments between various members of our "blended family." I was amongst that list of arguments, and I remember one really bad one where I shouted at him that I hated his guts. It took a long time, and lots of ups and downs before I decided that I did, in fact, like him. Then, I began to love him.

When my youngest son was born, whose middle name was given him to be named after Pop, I realized how deeply I did love Pop, and that he was a good dad to me and an even better grandfather to my children. He had become my dad, and my husband's too- who didn't have any kind of good or decent dad to have a relationship with of his own. When Matthew was born and airlifted to St. Louis Children's Hospital, we were told to say our goodbyes... I was stuck in the hospital, and Rob had two little ones at home to tend to, plus college classes to attend and deal with. Pop went to the Children's hospital and spent the day; he took lots of Polaroids of Matthew, and held his little hand and talked to him. He came to the hospital where I was and shared the pictures with me and told me all about my little man. He knew that I was so afraid Matthew would die and not have any family to be with him and be all alone. He knew that this would mean a lot to me, but I don't think he will ever know how much it meant to me.

As my kids have grown up, he has been the only grandpa they have known. He has tried to be at baseball, volleyball, and soccer games, concerts, awards, and a million other activities to cheer for his grandchildren. He has been their "pa-pa" and loved them, disciplined them, spoiled them...

He has supported Rob and I, even when he probably didn't approve of all the "little things" or the way we handled situations, finances, etc. He has helped us, when he could, with financial needs- bought us food, taken us out for dinner, golfed with Rob and the boys, and a million other things. He has cheered for us & been there when no one else did- supported us going through with college, being teachers, moving away (twice).

I could go on and on, but I'll stop. Pop may not be the dad that "brought me into this world," but I am his daughter nonetheless. He chose to be my dad, even though I was probably obnoxious to him more than I ever should have been. That speaks volumes about the man. Anybody can father a child into this world, but it takes a special someone to say, "I'll be a dad to these two already half grown/almost completely grown girls"- especially when he's lived with them and knows their faults... That's what he did for my sister and me.

Thanks Pop for being our dad!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Fathers' Day!

A Special Pair of Glasses

This one is for my family who has to put up with me, my friends, Kristen & Erin, and my principal who hired me not knowing what she was getting into. :) Just kidding!!!!

I wear glasses- have for a few years now. I have slightly less than perfect vision. Not a big deal, I use my glasses, and when they're not broken or dirty (a family joke) I can see pretty well. But, I think I may need a special pair of glasses.

You see, Rebekah doesn't always see herself the way everyone else does. Apparently, when it comes to me, I am very near-sighted. :) I know this is a common problem and that many people in my family and around me have the same issue. I have gotten a lot better than I used to be about this topic of discussion, BUT sometimes I can be really bad about it still. Like when I'm tired or am having my sleep problems, or when I'm feeling under pressure, or when I'm sick, or when someone in my family or a coworker is upset/irritated/angry/crabby/etc./etc./etc.

My momma, my husband, a few of my principals/supervisors, coworkers, acquaintances, friends, and now, even my children have told me that I'm "too hard on" myself, I need to "give myself a break," or other such sentiments. Recently my principal said that she wished she could give me a special pair of glasses that would enable me to see myself the way those around me did. I think my mother has said this same thing to me too. I've thought a lot about this in the past few weeks, and I wish she could give me those glasses too. I might not have to use them all the time, but maybe when I needed them, I could pull them out.

I know I'm a good teacher, a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom, a good_________ (fill in the blank)..., but my problem is that I want to be more than just a good___. I hate when I let people down or feel like I might have. I hate when I mess up or make mistakes or do something I shouldn't have or don't do what I ought to have...

One thing that has helped me a lot is being a mom. Seeing my kids grow up into the wonderful, Christian, responsible, respectful, helpful, intelligent, and funny young adults they are becoming has helped me realize that this is a result of what Rob & I have done with God's help- believe me, a lot of that! :) I need to (and do) take full credit for my part in raising them. I can hold my head up high when it comes to that objective in my life.

I do think I am getting better because I can say some nice things about myself now, and I couldn't have done that when I started teaching or parenting. It's just some days or weeks, I can clearly see just how far I still have to go. Guess that's why the Bible talks about "running the race..." So for now, I'll just keep my eyes on the course that's been set before me, trying to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other, keep my focus on Him and the tasks He has given me (being a Godly mom & wife, a good daughter and sister, and the best teacher I can be (not perfect, just my personal best). And if, I'm a bit "near-sighted" about myself, please be patient with me. I'll get there someday, maybe. If not, well, maybe it's okay. I mean, the world needs some "special" people in it to make life more interesting. :)

Signing off,
Nearsighted Rebekah :)

Noah

Today I saw a miracle! One of my coworkers, Maria, brought her 4 month old baby boy, Noah, by the school to see us for a little bit. That may not sound like that big a deal, but Noah has been through more than most adults have even thought of going through in his four months of life. He was born with a serious heart defect and underwent heart surgery when just a few days old. After being on the heart transplant list for just a few days, Noah received his new heart. He just came home a few days ago, and today came to school to see his mommy's workplace and meet her coworkers.

Maria even let me hold him, and he let me hold him for a long time. I just talked and talked to him, and he kept his beautiful eyes on me the whole time! He is BEAUTIFUL! Noah has the prettiest eyelashes I've ever seen- so long!

And, Maria- well she is just a wonderful mom!!!!! When a lot of people might have given up on Noah early on in that pregnancy, Maria hung in there and decided to bring him into this world! She had a hard pregnancy, and I know it must have been harder than I could ever imagine. Then to deal with all the medical problems, complications, steps forward, and then setbacks... Today, she was explaining and answering all of our questions about Noah's care. She has TONS- seriously, more than I could even count- of meds she has to give him at different times of the day. She has her own stethoscope and does a lot of the medical care - like today she had to take out his feeding tube and put in a new one. YIKES!!! I know you do what you have to do, but that has to be so hard on her!!!

Well, thanks God for letting little Noah live and survive all these things. Thanks for giving him parents that believe in the value of life and who cared about him enough to love him through the pregnancy and these hard months. Thanks for Noah!

(And on a selfish note, thanks for letting me get to hold that precious little baby boy- your miracle baby for Maria & Tim & Autumn.)

Another Year- sigh

Yesterday was the end of the school year for this year's group of "Kinderkids" as I call them. This was one of the hardest years I've had as a teacher. I started this entry with a list of all the "hard things," but now coming back to look at what I've journaled, I think I will just try to remember that it was a hard year and let all those "things" go. Someday I won't even remember or care that my heart was hurt by coworkers, events, students, parents, or myself. :)

There have been lots of good things to smile about along the way, and that is what I want to never forget:

• an assistant sent to me from heaven who has become my good, dear, friend and is such a joy to be with; she is a true Christian who tries, and succeeds, to put Him first in all she does! I will get, God willing, the privilege of having her as my first student teacher next January. Kristen is and will be a terrific teacher! I pray God uses her mightily!
• Sunshine- such a long list of accomplishments I couldn't begin to name here. She has a long way to go, but has come so very, very far this year! I thought my heart was going to break saying goodbye to her and knowing I will likely never see her again.
• J- another totally different boy when comparing June to August! Smiles and is happy almost all the time now! Entered the classroom with such enthusiasm and participated in all we learned with such excitement after he got over his first few weeks of school.
• Lots of other kids who made me smile and learned almost everything I could teach who returned lots of love and joy to me. Taught me about life and helped me deal with death when the chicks all died; so caring and kind- most of the time. :)

And then there were these two "small" moments on my last day that blessed me and reminded me that, perhaps, even on my bad days, bad months, bad years, I am doing something for Him, something that may make a difference to some child, somewhere, some day. I only hope that whatever small thing I meant to the kids I touched this year, it won't just be a good memory that they will have, but that it will be a light in their lives when the days are dark, and that they will realize that that "light" was His light shining through me. I hope that I do let His light shine through me.

• The little girl (don't even remember her name right now) in first grade that just "came along" with her friend (one of my kids from last year) one morning as she came to give me my daily morning hug, who then came EVERY day herself for the rest of the year to give me a hug and tell me to have a good day. She came to say goodbye to me yesterday as she is moving again to another new school, and to tell me to have a good summer. I was so humbled by this little one who must have felt loved by me but who gave me such joy every day with her smile and hug and love!
• Breanna (a 5th grader) who graduated yesterday and when it was time to leave with her parents following her ceremony wanted to come say goodbye to me- went right past her former K teacher and ran across the playground to tell me goodbye, wanted to introduce her little sister to me (who will be a Kinder next year) and was crying when she said goodbye and hugged me.

Yeah, Rebekah, this year's been hard, but God put enough "sun-spots" in your life this year to keep you going and to help you make it through. Maybe He put those "lights" in your life for a reason. Yeah, just maybe...