Working on Love

I Corinthians 13 (my paraphrase)

"If I can talk to anyone, but don't love, I am just noise.
If I have all these spiritual gifts and knowledge and faith bigger than anyone's, but don't love, I am a big zero!
If I give away everything, sacrifice myself, but don't love, then I am the biggest loser."

How does love look/sound/feel?

• it is patient & kind
• it doesn't get jealous or brag about what it is or has or can do or where it's been
• it's not rude
• it doesn't have to be #1- have it's way
• it isn't grouchy or begrudging
• it is sorrowed by wrongs done others
• it is thrilled by things that are truthful & just
• it puts up with everything thrown at it
• it believes in others
• it hopes
• it endures no matter what
• it never ends

Boy, I've got a long way to go. Help me God to love, no matter the cost. Help me to put away the child in me and grow up to love like You do.

All Torn Up & Don't Know What To Do

God,
It's me. You know, the silly, crazy, way-too emotional, talk too much me. That daughter you must have dropped on her head or something. :)

Okay, now that I got my smile in for the day, time for me to spill my guts. You already know what I'm going to say anyway, so I might as well say it, right?

I have a decision that I need to make in the next few weeks, well maybe. Perhaps nothing will come of it, only You know that. But I'm assuming an opportunity might come my way, and I need to know what to do. I'm so torn up about it and can't make out what the "right thing" to do is.

My heart has been poured out and given away in little tiny pieces to a big group of children, and I will feel like I've abandoned some pretty important children, let alone part of who I am, if I were to leave. Yet I long for other things to be better. They could be so much more. I also know that things can be so very much worse, and then I feel like I'm just being a baby or a whiner or a quitter or a loser or, well you get the picture. I don't really want to go; I really just want things to be better. There is so much potential where I am, but it just isn't what it could be.

I sure don't want to get to worse, and I long to be like You. You said you came for the sick, not the well. As I read Your word, and I've been "watching" You there to see what You really did and what you were deeply moved by, I see that you cared for the unloved, uncared for, poor, downtrodden, despised, looked-over, passed-by, down & out.... Guess that's why I love so many of "my kids," and I know that's why it bothers me so to hear others talk about the "bad kids" and this one and that one.... God there are no "bad kids" and You love them all.

Am I deserting ones You love if I make a change? Am I wrong to want a better, happier place with strong leadership? Am I sacrificing what's truly important for my own comfort? I keep telling myself that I'm there for the kids, I'm not there to have best friends and be pals with every person on the planet. I'm there for the kids, and Father, I really am. You know that's what gets me in trouble sometimes. Sometimes, though, God I just feel so lonely and left out. Guess You understand that too, better than I ever could, don't You? Yeah, You do. Thank You for that, for being human so You could understand everything we think and feel.

God, I know You're God. I don't want to ask for a cloud in the sky that tells me what to do or signs that I shouldn't ask for when I'm supposed to trust You. I know it's called faith for a reason. What I am saying is my life has always been in Your hands, and I'm going to leave it there. You moved me way out here for a reason, for a purpose. Please keep me always in that purpose. Please only open the doors You want opened, and Father, if I try to open a door that I should not, please lock it tight. If a door opens, Father help me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt it's You opening it, give me a peace that goes beyond all my fears and guilt and worries, and even beyond the deep love & bond I have with so many of Your kids. I so don't want to walk through a door You're not behind. I so don't want to leave my kids behind, but if it's what You want help me to know it and to have the strength to gracefully leave an imprint on their hearts for You and go.

With so much love and emotion for You and for them,
Rebekah :)

Love

I Corinthians says, "... the greatest of these is love."

I am so in love with my students, words just cannot express it. Something was said this week that let me know just how much impact that love might be having- I didn't think it was much, but maybe it is. I'm just thankful I remembered Who it really is that is the love in my room and remembered to give Him the credit for it instead of me.

When it comes to the children in my room & the children who have walked through my room and moved on, and even the children who aren't "mine" but just come by my room for a hug or whatever reason they come, I pour myself out, I love them with my all- on the good days, the bad days, the awful-terrible-wish I could pull my hair out days. But no matter how much love I give away, it keeps coming back to me tenfold, a hundred-fold, in bushel-baskets overflowing with big, huge hugs, kisses, "I love you's" signed and spoken, gifts made by little hands, notes left for me in my mailbox, smiles, giggles, silly faces, laughter, shared moments & memories... I can never seem to give enough away, they are like little sponges who keep soaking it up but who also squeeze their hearts back out to give to me.

On an afternoon when I felt discouraged after school and feel so out of sorts with adults (I'm just not as good with grown-ups as kids for whatever reason), I just sit here and close my eyes and I can see all those smiling, laughing faces sitting on my carpet looking at me, teasing me, joking with me, sticking their tongues out at me, chasing me on the playground, "attacking" their teacher, jumping up on my lap, hugging me from any direction. I see a new little girl who was scared and upset to be back at school after being out of country for almost a year, who was just plain traumatized and in tears, who responded to my "Te amo!" with "Yo tambien," and who has been hugging me non-stop & smiling these two days she's been with us. They are awesome kids, and I so don't deserve their love, but I am thankful for it. It fills my heart with joy and makes my days worth being alive and coming to work. It makes a job that can be so stressful on so many other levels, much worth it.

Nor can I forget the little boy from last year (who hated me at first) but who came to love me too. That tough little guy who has had to survive so much already who brings me little gifts of his, makes me notes, and lets me love on him when I can. That little boy who today asked his bus driver to honk at me so I would come back to his bus. When I did, he jumped down to give me a giant hug, took my face in his hands, turned my cheek and kissed it. That little guy will never know how much it means to me when he does that. He will never know how much of my heart he has captured. He will never know God loved me through him, but He did.

Oh God, Rob keeps telling me that You created me in my momma just for this purpose, that I am just what You made me to be. What can I say to that? How humbling to know that all my life from before I was born, my childhood, the hard things in life, motherhood, all my work experiences, led me to this place in time, to love these little people in my life with all my heart and soul because You love them. To know that You've helped me to turn the bad things in my life into lessons that have helped me better understand and minister to my little ones and their families. To know that You are walking in that room and that Your spirit is there in a public school classroom all day long with us. I'm just trying to picture you walking in amongst us as we learn to read, write, add, subtract, make a shape, memorize our alphabet, numbers, words, and all that we do. You were walking around the children doing puzzles today, walked in the middle of the carpet and the children working there. You watched the children reading, playing in the sand table, building with legos. You were there watching Elba & I as we assessed the children and worked with them. You were at the lunch table today when the kids begged me to sit with them; You sat with us too and listened to us. You celebrated another year of life with us today.

And in all of that activity and busy-ness, I can just see You walking around admiring "my kids" and loving them too. I can see You standing at the back of my carpet watching the kids and I teasing each other as I tried to "trick" them and they proudly didn't let me, as I read with them, and as we expressed our love for each other. And somehow, I know You were smiling- not just a polite smile, but a big love-filled smile. I can see it tonight, and I thank You!

Your word is true. The greatest of these is love. I may not have much faith or hope sometimes, but thank You for filling me with Your love and letting it spill out to those little friends of mine. Let me never lose Your love Father.

Lovingly, your Rebekah

I am in love

I am in love. Really. Truly. Deeply in love.

With whom? Well that's easy!

God first and most! He has never left me and never will. He loves me with all my many faults, my big body, my big mouth, my stupidity, well, it all. I'll NEVER understand why, but He does, and I will forever be grateful.

With my husband, Rob. He has stood by me through it all since I first met him at 16, married him at 17, started our family at 18, and so much more. He kept his promise to my momma and saw me all the way through college when so many said we'd neither one make it. He stuck with me through some very hard and ugly times in our marriage, through three kids in three years while both attending college and him working, through family problems on both sides of our families, through major financial hardships, through hunger & no food, through too many moves to even count any more, including this big one. He's a wonderful father to our three kids, my best friend, and a follower of Christ. What more could I say about him? I love him!

My children- duh! They are wonderful young adults- all almost grown and just about ready to "fly away" from me. I have adored them from before they were born, but oh, how that love has grown. Just to think of it makes my heart so full and my eyes brim with tears.

Sometimes people think they know me and they really don't. That kind of bugs me.

Or maybe it's just that I don't see myself the way others do, and then I worry that I think too highly of myself or don't see my faults. Then I think about how I'm so hard on myself and often told how I'm way to critical of myself more than others.

I think the thing is that I've changed from who I was, and it's just not well known.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy. :)

A Mid-Winter Night's Dream

Okay, so it's not much, but it will have to do for this midwestern, homesick girl until another day.

I'm thankful for a small reminder of home. Thanks God for the snow!

an empty hand

I'm feeling a little low. My heart is burdened and sorrowful. I see so much hurt and ugliness in the world, especially towards kids and young people. I sometimes feel like I can't take it anymore. I start to say, "I don't want to care anymore God." But before that idea can even fully form in my brain (let alone actually come out of my mouth), I take it back. I wouldn't want to not care, not really. No, I couldn't be like that.

It's just so hard, God. I know You know, so much more than I could possibly ever understand. I guess this must just be a tiny piece of what You feel on a daily basis???

It's a little humbling to give so little to people and it be so much to some. Rob says there is a line in a Sammy Hagar song that says, "And empty hand reaching out to someone, an empty heart, takes so little to fill." It's very true. It hurts to know that children/people I know have so little good in their life, especially when I look at my life, my family, my home. I am so blessed, and again, humbled.

Why God? Why do some have more blessings and others so little to look forward to in life? Why am I so blessed with love & a good family? Why God, do some people hurt their own children so deeply and wound them so much? How can something You created be so ugly and destructive? How can something that has so much potential go so far from what You created us to be? Why did You really have to give Adam and Eve the choice? Part of me wishes You never would have.

I know You understand where all these ?s are coming from. I know You'll not be angry at me for You see my heart and know where my feelings stem from and that I only am distressed at the hurt in the lives of the children/youth I know. Thank You for understanding me, Father, even better than I understand myself. Thank You for blessing me for whatever reason; I so don't deserve it.

Please, Father, please help me to find a better way(s) to serve the people You've placed in my life and to help light a candle in their hearts somehow through my love, my action, what I say and do. Let me give a little hope in a dark place.

Rebekah

I want to know Jesus more than I do. I want to know "who" He was as a man. What He thought, felt, said, did. So I'm reading.

Matthew 8:20 "Jesus said, ' Foxes have holes, birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.'"

Matthew 9:12 "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick... For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:36 "When He saw the crowds, He had compassion for them because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd."

Matthew 11 :28 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 14:14 "When He went ashore, He saw a great crowd and He had compassion on them and healed their sick."

Matthew 15:32 "...I have compassion on the crowd because.... they have nothing to eat, and I am unwilling to send them away hungry..."

Matthew 19:14 "...Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them'... and He laid hands on them..."

Matthew 20:26 "...whoever would be great among you must be your servant & whoever would be first must be your slave even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve & to give His life as a ransom for many."

Matthew 22: 37-39 "Love your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind... You shall love your neighbor as yourself..."

Mark 1:41 "Moved with pity..."

Mark 3:5 "...grieved at their hardness of heart..."

I'm starting to get a clearer picture. This Man was acquainted with loneliness, with sorrow, with trials. He loved people and felt compassion for them and their problems and did whatever He could for them. He met practical needs as well as spiritual- feeding them, blessing them, listening, healing. Most of all, He lived what He said. He served and did not put Himself above others. He gave of Himself. He sacrificed daily in his own life as well as paying the ultimate price at the end of His life.

Thank you God, for Your life, Your example. For loving people so much and for all You did for people when You were a man, and even yet still centuries later. Thank You for Your word where I can go read about You and who You were. Thank You for helping me to understand You a little better. Thank You for loving me and living in me. Help me to keep learning more of "who" You were & are, and help me to be more like You.

Rebekah

Baby Steps

I know, I know, God, I've been here before- how many times? I don't even want to know the answer to that question. But God, you know You've got my attention this time. You really do.

They may be baby steps, but Father I am really trying. 2 quarts to 1 gallon of water a day each day this week, healthier eating & smaller portions, didn't even get my favorite strawberry fruit slush the two times a kid went to sonic this week, got my exercise bike and started using it.... I told my students before break to help bug me about the water and they are (so is my assistant). They are excited to see me drain that big jug of water, ask me if I rode my bike, and most of all are so loving to me in this effort I'm making. They, like You, love me just as I am!

Most importantly reading Your word- really doing it too, not just a chapter or two. Finishing a whole book in the Bible in one week - 4 days actually- (not Isaiah maybe, but not Ruth either). ;) I'm trying so hard to put You first in my life- my home life, my work life, my heart, everywhere. Even gave up eating in the cafe with the other teachers and my kids (which can be a big problem sometimes when coworkers take offense or don't understand) to do something I felt like I was supposed to do at lunch instead.

I know I've fallen down so many times You really should be sick to death of me. But may I say thanks for not being sick of me. Thanks for picking me up, dusting me off, and gently nudging me back onto the path of taking care of me. That is so hard for me to do- I'm used to taking care of my kids, my hubby, my checkbook, my students and their families, even coworkers, but not myself. Thank You Father for being patient with me as I learn how to do this.

Truth is, I know that I can't do this. I can't God, and You know it too. If I could, I'd never have gotten to this stage of Two Ton Tessie. I would have long ago done what needed to be done because if I could do it, it would be so easy. This is going to be impossibly difficult. Lots of people keep telling me "You can do it." "You can do anything you set your mind to." "If you could go to school, have kids, be a good teacher....... (fill in the blank) then you can do this....." But people don't know (unless they are truly this huge). I know You do. Right now I'm grateful for You still loving me as I am- and if I died today in this elephant stage I know You'd still take me in. But I know You can make me change, You can make me who I need to be and, Lord, who I truly want to be, a healthier person who will live to see her grandchildren if You allow it.

For tonight, I'm thankfully Your Two Ton Tessie daughter working on being One Ton Wanda. ;)

P.S. Did I make You smile at least a little God? I try. :)
Rebekah

Momma, What If's, God's promise

Most people who know me know that this girl LOVES her momma! I'm way more attached than most people probably are- in some ways it's probably "not right," but then I'm "not right" so it's okay. :) Most people out here don't know this about me; in fact most people I've known as an adult don't know this, but my "real" dad died when I was 11, and I've always been clingy to my momma since. I'm just a momma's girl is all.

Moving out here so far away from my family-momma especially- was very, very, did I say VERY hard. It was certainly the most adventurous thing I've ever done- well besides having three babies in three years while pursuing my teaching degree (but I think that's more insane than adventurous). :) I knew it was what we were supposed to do, but I felt like (and still do feel this way many, many times) I was abandoning my Momma & Pop. What if they get sick? What if they have to be in the hospital? What if they need help with their home, their yard, their car, just something, anything? What if they get hurt? What if they need us? What if? What if?

Ok, here's honest. Here is the BIG one that is so hard to say- What if the cancer comes back? And I'm way out here far away from someone so very truly dear to me, someone that no one can ever replace? What if I can't get back out there?

I've tried really hard to not think about the "what if's" too much or to let myself dwell on them. I can't change the future by worrying about it or by worrying about things that may or may not happen. Sometimes that doesn't work though, like when your Momma or Pop is sick, or you get a call that they are in the ER, or there is "something" there and your mom has to go back to the dr., or your mom is sick and you just don't want the "C" to come back.

I went through this so many times with God from the time we started talking about moving out here, to interviewing, to contemplating accepting jobs, to preparing to move, to moving, to living out here, to present day when I think of these things at least weekly. I feel so guilty for leaving my family behind and separating our family so far away from each other. Each time I've talked about this with God though, I am always reminded of a lesson He taught me back in '05 when we were preparing to leave. That helps a lot to remember things God taught me, even if it doesn't make me feel 100% better, it helps to know He is watching, He cares, He will help no matter what "ifs" happen.

Tonight, as I was reading my Bible, I saw a scripture that I never really saw before even though I've had to have read it several times in my life. Matthew 19:29 "Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or fathers or mothers or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life."

I don't even begin to liken my moving to NC to be like anything big or any major sacrifice that compares to so many true sacrifices people are having to make or have made. I am no martyr or super Christian or wonderful Godly woman. But this I do know. I love my momma, and I had to leave her behind to come out here and teach because God said to do it. I left my momma, my Pop, my sister, and a few dear friends for Him. Maybe in some small way, that will count. At least I know now that God counts it.

Thanks God for that promise You showed me tonight. And God, will You please take care of a momma, a pop, a sister "back there" where we left, no matter the "what if's" that come our way? I know You will, and I thank You for that.

Yours,
Rebekah :)

Goodbye 2008 Hello Life

Well, it's New Year's Eve. Here I sit. This will be another milestone for me. My first New Year's Eve without kids. They're all off at Robert's church having a lock-in with the youth group. I'm okay with it, mostly. :) It just feels strange somehow without my noisy, boisterous kids. Rob & I will enjoy the evening and reminisce together, play a game, watch a movie, eat some take-out Chinese. It will be a good night. And it will be good practice for the time that's coming down the road when they will really be gone and on their own. Little bits of me are starting ("starting " mind you) to be ready for that time, but mostly I'm so not ready for that moment, but I'm working on it. :)

And for tonight, I'm so thankful, so very, very thankful for a wonderful year and all that God has blessed me with.

Thanks God for 2008 and all it has brought, both good and bad, hard and easy, the ups and the downs, for all I've learned to appreciate, learned to deal with, learned to do, for these 365 days of life to live, love, and be here. I think (I hope) I'm a better person today than I was a year ago, and if You allow me another 365 days of life, I hope I'll be an even better person a year from now- one that is so much more like You than this girl sitting here tonight. I'm grateful for it all. This year was a gift from You to be alive, to have family, to experience many "mom 1st's," to need You and have to rely on You more. I'm not making any resolutions Father. You already know my heart, better than I even know myself. Please just help me to do what I need to do and let me live the days ahead in a better way, in a way that shows so much more of You and so much less of me. Help me to be like You.

Thank You God. Goodbye 2008. Hello life.

Rebekah :)

a great book to read

God Grew Tired Of Us: A Memoir by John Bul Dau

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book is one of the best books I've ever read. Two summers ago, in summer school, there were a couple students who had come to the US from Sudan. One of these youngsters was having a very hard time from all she had seen and adjusting to this new home and culture. I had previously heard of the Lost Boys, but never really heard much. I started researching a little and reading about this part of the world. I rented the movie documentary of the same title, but reading John's story was even more inspiring and thought provoking.



I am beginning to have a better understanding about this part of the world, the conflict that has been going on there and continues now in the Darfur region of Sudan, and an even better apprecation of this land I call home.



John ends his book with his viewpoint about the US- its good & its bad, and his book encourages me to keep reaching out and helping others- helping families, and to never give up hope. Most of all it helps me to remember and appreciate the many blessings of being born in a country such as ours.

The Twelve Days of Vacation- Day 3

On the third day of vacation my Savior gave to me, His Son for eternity. Thank You God for Your son, for the sacrifice You gave for me, for all mankind.

On the third day of vacation my family gave to me:

• gifts under the tree
• a delicious dinner
• games and movies
• and a day filled with fun & beautiful memories

Rob snuck out last night after our Santa run and left a little something on the door of the house we're trying to buy. Then he took me for a ride to "see something." He's so sweet!

Can you see the bow on the door? How about a closer view?

My kids were so sweet to me. From their own money earned at work and babysitting (Dad helped Matthew out with $ since he doesn't yet have a job) they gave me wonderful gifts.

Robert- a lighthouse calendar that he just happened to point out to me the other day & I admired- sneaky boy :)

Barbara- a snowman cup/plate/bowl, a wonderful fragrance oil diffuser, and peanut butter cups :)

Matthew- a book that is perfect for me!- God Grew Tired of Us by John Dau one of the "Lost Boys" from Sudan

Rob- two books that are also perfect for me as they are topics I'm very interested in- darfur diaries & First They Killed My Father and a stocking full of chocolate candy :)

But what made me even happier was the generosity I saw in my kids for each other this year. They gave each other great gifts that were thought out and took in mind each other's interests & likes. That made me happier than anything. I sure do love my kids!

Some of us took a short Christmas day nap after staying up late and getting up earlier. We talked to my momma & pop today too. Boy did I miss them, but I'm trying to stay focused on what I have to be thankful for, and that is so much!!!!!!!! Then together, we all did little parts to help cook a yummy Christmas dinner- a roasted chicken, Rob's delicious mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, and rolls. We all helped with clean up (including Samson who got to "clean up" the remains of the bird), watched an episode of Rob's Hogan's Heroes video he got from the boys, then had pumpkin pie & cookies while we played games. Now it's time to get some sleep. I hope to put up some pictures via Slide maybe tomorrow, we'll see.

It's been a wonderful Christmas, and for that I'm very thankful. This year, it has been much harder to get in the spirit and enjoy the month, but the joy of today did come and I have enjoyed being with four of the people I love most in this world.

I'm thinking today of some children I know who have hurt in their lives, for whom this Christmas might not have been so good, for certain adults who are hurting today. God, please be with them; encourage them and send someone who can show them Your love. Thank You for helping me to love even when it's hard. You amaze me with the way Your love can come in even when you don't notice it and how it can erase hurt and hard feelings. For that I am very, very thankful most of all as I don't want to go around with hard feelings and anger.

Father, be with those who don't have family at all, those whose family are far away and who might be homesick, those who are serving our nation in dangerous places and their families who must spend another holiday without their loved one. Help those homeless right here in our community Lord. Send them a warm place and food for today and a "light in the darkness." God, please be with the millions of people all over the world who are not in safe places because of wars and riots and persecution. Help me to be as aware as possible of all these hurting people and to find some way to help in some small way that would bring You glory and hearts to their eternal home.

Merry Christmas Jesus!

Rebekah :)

Merry Christmas

Thank you God for sending us your son! No gift on earth can compare to the ultimate gift you gave and the price you paid for us.

With a grateful heart this Christmas day,
Rebekah :)

The Twelve Days of Vacation- Day 2

On the second day of Christmas vacation my family gave to me:

• lots & lots of laughing
• baking pumpkin pies & cookies
• wrapping up our presents
• snuggling with our dog
• chili & baked potatoes
• chatting with my momma & sister
• and making me ha-a-a-ppy. :)

Today was another nice day. I woke up early, but not too early, did some blogging and played sudoku online until the family started getting up. Ate a healthy breakfast, made gifts for my godson, Noah, & his sister, Autumn, ran errands with Rob, braved Walmart one last time, chatted online with my momma & sister, wrapped presents, baked cookies and helped cook supper. Now we're watching Prince Caspian. Robert worked today so he's just now getting to wrap his presents.

In a little while, Rob & I are going on a "Santa run" to leave something to surprise some kids in the morning, and then we're coming home to get in bed before Santa comes here. ;) Oh, and that reminds me, I've been following one of my favorite blogs today too- Santa's blog.

But, most of all, I'm thankful for the first Christmas gift that was given so many years ago. How that single gift changed the world and my life.

Merry Christmas!

Rebekah :)

The Twelve Days of Vacation- Day 1

Okay, so call me silly, but this is what my insomniac brain came up with at midnight when it didn't want to go to sleep. Work with me people. :)

On the first day of Christmas vacation my family gave to me, a day of shopping & decorating the tree & being silly (well that's a given in our family isn't it?).

So here it goes in reverse order because that's how the pictures loaded:

1. Being Silly

Robert was laughing so hard he made himself cry. The picture below is bad, but you can see he & I were cracking up laughing. That's why the picture is bad, I was shaking with laughter and couldn't hold still. Want to know why? Look below.

Jessica bought the kids (or the boys? I don't remember) these giant jawbreakers on a stick. Robert's been working on his for a few days, but last night he got well, ummm, "creative." When we looked at this picture, he & I busted out laughing!

2. Decorating the tree

This month has been an absolutely crazy month. At least one of us has had at least one thing or more every single night this month, and we couldn't decorate the tree because on any given night one or two of us (or more) were gone. You know me, silly about our tradition, I didn't want to decorate it and not have everyone here, so we just kept putting it off thinking we'd find a day to do it. I guess I'm going to have to get over that one soon as in the near future, I won't have all the kids here. Hmmmm, I'll do my Scarlett O'Hara imitation now- "I'll think about that tomorrow."

We finally decorated the tree thanks to Rob going and finding the ornaments. And so that Robert knows I am trying to be an honest person, he's not really hanging an ornament here, but posing since he did his ornaments before I got the camera out and I was whining about it. :) :) :)

3. Shopping

We had told the kids we didn't think we'd be able to do Christmas gifts this year. It really bothered me, so Rob & I kept a little cash back hidden in the event we went overdrawn to put in the bank, but if not to use for Christmas. Happily I got paid early & we didn't go belly-up at the bank, so Monday night after I got off work, Rob & I went out on a date, got some dinner, and did a little shopping. It's a "light" Christmas, but I'm thankful for something to give my kids. I didn't think we'd be able to, and I know many who can't, so I'm very grateful. And the really neat thing is the two older ones went out and bought gifts for everyone in the house with their own work $. Awww, they make me so proud. So I gave Matthew some $ to buy gifts too, didn't want him to feel left out.

Today's shopping consisted of:

• Grocery run to Save-a-Lot with Barbara Rose


• Walmart with the "B" to finish the groceries, to buy her some pants (long story, short- she's been going around in one pair of capris & one pair of jeans with holes in both hips & the crotch & having to wear shorts under them so she didn't show off her "parts". So one way or another, if I have to use my birthday/Christmas $ to pay for them, she had to have them. B did some shopping she needed to finish, and I snuck in some small stocking items while she wasn't looking. :)
• After unloading & putting away all the food, fixing a quick supper of mini pizzas, Matthew & I took off again to meet Robert at the mall and all three get our hair cut. Robert joined us in the haircutting adventure when he got off work. While M & I waited on R to finish, we went to Waldenbooks- big mistake. I came out with "one more thing" for the kids, something for Rob (shhh, don't tell) and some books for me. So what if I can't pay the electric bill this month, we'll use candles to read our books. It all works out, right? :)
• Robert needed ideas for the B's gifts, so he asked me if I'd keep him company while he shopped for her. So we went "around" and got her gifts from him & I bought her something else she needs, but I can't say here as I'm putting it under the tree.
• Then we came home at 9:30. Whew! I was tired. Then Rob & the kids & I decorated the tree. Mostly I watched and took some silly photos. We watched "It's a Wonderful Life" while we decorated, talked, behaved silly-ily, and Robert ate.

So that is the tale of my first day of Christmas vacation.

Thanks God for such a nice day with my children and Rob.

Thanks for enough- enough $ for what we need a little of what we want sometimes, but not so much $ we wouldn't appreciate it. Enough food (we have plenty of that and never go hungry- been there, done that), enough time (maybe wish for more, but we always make everything work out the way it needs to), enough love (boy do we have that), enough good to be content, enough bad to help us appreciate the good, enough sleep to feel better & function like a half-human :), enough time with my family to keep me going.

Most of all, let me not forget to be thankful for You. You are enough to get me through. Through hard times, through health problems & silly woman hormones, through exhaustion, through work stress & disappointments, through life, through it all, and hopefully someday, through the gates of heaven.

It is really true- You are MORE THAN ENOUGH- in so many ways. Thank You for YOU! Let me not forget the true reason for these special days. Help me to stay focused on You through it all.

Happy Birthday Jesus. Merry Christmas world. Merry Christmas family! Merry Christmas friends!

Love to all,

Rebekah :)

A Family's Love

I am soooooo thankful for the love of my family.

What a Week!

It's 5:45 AM, and I've been awake for a little while. As I was lying there trying to ignore Rob's snoring and my brain revving up into a million thoughts, I realized that my stomach was feeling funny. I laid there and after a bit, recognized the very beginning of the acid pain. So I quickly decided to get up, put some food and water in my stomach along with an acid pill and hope and pray that I beat it quickly enough to keep it from being all the way up my throat this time. Maybe if I can start to learn to recognize it more quickly like that I can deal with it before it gets so bad.

This was a great week in so many ways. The kids were wonderful; no they were not perfect, but WOW for all that we had going on and knowing one of their teachers was gone for two days- well they behaved terrific-ly. (Is that a word? :) Guess it is now.) I have never seen a school week packed with so many things- seriously. It was CRAZY!!!!!!!!!! Yet, we accomplished all we needed to get done- gifts for Elba, Melissa, the students' families, treat bags for staff & bus drivers & Mr. Paul, plus programs, the school Christmas store, finishing up my DRA assessments, a dance, a "Holidays Around the World" unit with the other K teachers, class store, and somehow in all that a few lessons too. :) Whew!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder I was tired last night! :)

Spending time with other classes also made me realize, again, just how much I adore my kids. Not that I didn't know it, but as I taught a Kwanzaa lesson to a different class each day this week, I realized how special my group of kids are to me. My children probably weren't little angels to any of the other K teachers, and probably acted up in some way or another. I'm sure the other teachers could see the mistakes and faults I've made in their behavior & their knowledge, but I realized while they were gone in the other rooms that I could see the personality of my little classroom family, and it really struck home with me that I have a big influence on them. I can see my personality and silliness and the love in my group of kids, and I am so thankful for them and for the time I get to spend with them. I was so glad to have them back. I really missed them for that short thirty minute block they were gone. :)

Something bad happened yesterday though that put a black spot on my week. Why did a week that went so very well have to end with that I'll never understand. My heart is so very heavy. In the end, I have to examine my motives and my actions and try to justify them to myself, to the principal, and to the family. On Monday, I'll have to go speak to my boss and deal with this situation. The funny thing to me is for me to be told "don't fret; have a wonderful holiday...." (which I still will), but someone has said some pretty ugly things about me as a teacher and I will likely lose a student over it and it happens after such a wonderful week of school and after I was only trying to help and do my job, and I'm supposed to not fret???? All I can say is that whatever I do, I feel very deeply about life, people I care about, things that happen- good, bad, ugly- it's all done "with all that's in me." So if I care, I really care. How can I do any less than that? How can I make this not hurt and not bother me? And, shock of all shocks, but I have to admit that small though it may be, I do have some pride. This hurts my pride in my work. Another teacher will have to get in my business and fix the mess that was created, and that makes me sad, angry, hurt....

Oh, I'm such a mess of emotions and complicated feelings.

God, what a week it has been. Filled with so many, many good things, and I thank You for those. I thank You for being a teacher, for being a part of all these lives and being able to drop a little love into their hearts each day. I thank You for the love the kids give back to me. I thank You for all the kids (big & small) who come to see me each day & week to get a hug. I thank You for helping me & the kids & Elba to make it through an amazing week of activity and helping us to get everything we needed & wanted to do done. Most of all, I thank You for helping Elba's niece to make it through surgery without any major complications.

This week has also held a few bad things- this incident and the stupid dr.'s visit which made me feel even cruddier about myself than before. I owe you such an apology, and I am so truly, deeply, very sorry for not taking care of me and making this body such a hideously ugly & unhealthy one. I spent all my adult life taking care of all these kids in my life, and not taking care of me, and now I'm a mess of a person. There's no excuse for it; I just didn't do what I should have and for that I am sorrier than I can say.

Father, I have looked at the work situation so many times & in so many ways, and I feel so bad to have caused anyone pain and hurt and anger, but I don't think I have done wrong. But God, if I did, please forgive me.

All I know to do now is to ask You to pick me up, help me dust off the mistakes of my life (oh, they are so many) and help me to learn to do it the right way. I know I don't deserve Your goodness or Your help, but God I'm going to need it. Please help me to persevere through what I have to do and to not give up on myself. I never give up on the kids in my life, but I find it very hard to not give up on me. I want to honor You in everything I do, and this could honor You too, but I'll never make it without Your help in a BIG way. I'm a BIG woman Lord, and I'll need BIG help to make it over this BIG obstacle. :) See, even here I can find the humor; hopefully You're smiling at me too.

Please help the ones I've hurt to be made whole. Help them to find You. Send someone to them to show the way to You and to help them with all they are dealing with in life right now. Please help the principal to make the right choices that will help the situation, and allow a good relationship between home and school, teacher & child. Whatever is best for my little one, please bring that about. Please help me to swallow my pride and let someone else be involved if that is what is needed. It's not about me, and I need to remember that the child is first above all else.

And God, while I'm working on the big "O" could you help my stomach to quit overproducing the acid? This is just horribly painful, and it adds to my stress and raises the blood pressure. I'm counting on You God. My momma always told me that Your word was true, & I know it is. Your word says that ..." it will not return unto You void..." so I'm counting on You to be who You are- a merciful and forgiving God. If you can forgive Jonah for shooting off his mouth & defying You, if You can forgive David for adultery & murder, if You can forgive Peter for denying You & then go on to use all of these people for great things, then You can forgive big ol' Rebekah too. If You can help Moses to part the Red Sea, help Noah to build an ark & collect all the animals, help the Israelites to slay enemies when outnumbered and overwhelmed, help Peter to walk on water, help David to slay his Goliath, then You can help me to slay my Goliath which is my big fat body & my crappy low self-esteem. So here goes Father, "I can do ALL THINGS through You who strengthens me." I need some strengthening today Father.

Thank You for forgiving me for all this stuff. I'm gratefully Yours until You call me home.
Your Rebekah

New House 2 :)

Well, after some "issues" that were going to cost us more- $15000 more- than the bank would even loan us, Rob & I decided to look at other houses and see what we could see... So today our bid on a second house was accepted, and we signed the contract on this house.

So we think this will be the house we'll be getting in a few weeks. We have a home inspection on Monday, so we'll know more than, but this house looks MUCH, MUCH nicer on the inside and there are not nearly as many (hardly any at all actually) things we can see wrong with it. Rob found an inspection report on the house, and it looks good.

Cons: It is smaller, which will be a problem for us, but we'll make it work. Besides, in a few years more, we won't need all the space we do now.


the backyard looking at the house, the sliding door opens into the kitchen/dining area & lets lots of natural light into the room! the backyard is fenced in and even has another second fenced in area in the back corner so when we have company or cook out we could put Samson in there if we needed to

Pros: This house is a little cheaper asking price, and will be lots less (we think) in work, so we should have a lower house payment than the rent we are now paying. The house is in pretty good shape and looks like it was well loved and taken care of by its previous owners. I LOVE the kitchen in this house! :) There is a school right smack behind this house. Hmmmmm...... Since there won't be so much work to do, we should be able to move in sooner I hope.


So anyway, here are some pictures of this house for my family to see. Momma, Pop, & Sandy, Rob & I will keep you posted as soon as we know what's going on and as we go. You all know more about this house-buying stuff than us. :)
the downstairs bathroom which also opens in the first floor bedroom- not a good picture, sorry

laundry room (right off the kitchen/dining area)

When you walk into the front door, you come into the living room, and there are stairs right there and the door to the main floor bedroom there too... the carpet in the living room and the stairs will need to be either deep cleaned or replaced (probably replaced or partly replaced)

the upstairs rooms are almost 100% identical- the green room has two closets & the pink room only one- cute rooms with a window looking out front and one on the side

this is my favorite room in the whole house- it is one room, but the dining area is off to the side and there's lots more room in this kitchen than in any kitchen in any house or apartment we've ever lived in. nice, newer stove and a good dishwasher. the door in the picture opens onto the driveway. where i'm standing to take the photo is where the table would be and the sliding door is to the right

So family, hope this gives you an idea until we can take TONS more photos to send your way. Until then, enjoy this little view of what we hope we will be our home. Hopefully, God willing, this will work out in a few days/couple weeks and we can start actually getting ready to move. :) :) :)

Rebekah :)

Today my little one returned to school. I was so sad to know he is hurting, and to understand the hurt he feels as I felt it too, and to not be able to do anything to help him but hug him, pray for him, and wish I could take it all away and make his mom come back. I cried all the way to the bus lot, and tried to hide it well enough to get the kids on their buses.

Don't feel like much thinking, talking, or really much of anything tonight. Going to veg out.

But, this quote was in an email I received today, and I liked it.

Life is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.

I hope my life is a true gift to God, to my family, and to the children and families that I serve. When my time comes, I hope I can see from above that I touched lives and made an eternal difference in these lives.