Matthew Made Me So Happy

Matthew made my day today! He was disappointed when Rob said he'd get groceries so I could keep working on my research paper. He stood there and said, "Awww, I wanted to spend time with Mom." :) :) :) :) :)

So, I procrastinated a little more on the paper and went grocery shopping with my "baby" and my "baby girl." I don't know how much longer I'll have Matthew around, so I am grabbing EVERY opportunity to be with him.

But most of all, this just made me so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matthew Lane Thomas, your momma loves you so very much!

"real" weather!

Just thought I'd share this link for anyone that wants to see why I am always talking about the not-real winter weather here in North Carolina. This is real winter weather! Stay warm my family, I'm thinking of you & praying for you!!!!

:)s for today

Keeping it short. I'm "supposed" to be working on a research paper for grad school, but I must confess that I am struggling with this course!!!! I'm not sleeping well, so I think, honestly, I may just try to go to bed at a decent hour and hope & PRAY for sleep tonight!

My happy list for today:

• My pants are getting really lose on me in several places- I love this feeling!!! :) :) :)
• I didn't get the materials needed to complete mandatory assessments until last Thursday and couldn't start until Friday, but I am working like crazy to get them done by the deadline. I am done with one assessment- WOOHOO!!! and close to the halfway point on another. Hopefully I'll get done by next Friday so I can get back to teaching which is what I want to do desperately!!!!
• Another walk with my hubby- and the past two nights, I have to say were harder because I was just plain wiped out, but I did it anyway. Don't know why or what it is, but Rebekah is definitely changing for the better.
• I saw an "old" coworker and dear friend today. Kristen came by the school and brought Elizabeth with her. It MADE MY DAY to see them both. Oh, how I miss working with her. She was a dear!!!! And Elizabeth, what a smile that kid has!!! My class was oohing & aaahing over her. :)
• I did something tonight that I've NEVER done before, and though Jesus probably wouldn't have done it, I don't think I did anything wrong or sinful (I hope not!). I stood up to something rude and it felt so nice!!! My two oldest were with me, and though I think they were a little embarrassed (Sorry you two!!!!!), they both commented to me afterwards that they noticed the rudeness and were proud of me for speaking up. They both said how stunned they were and shocked that "their mom was doing that." :)

hodgpodge

Heard today in my room:

C: Mrs. Thomas, are you perfect?

Me: No I am not! No one is perfect except for God of course.

J: Mrs. Thomas, you are too perfect!

Me: Really, J, I promise you that no human being is perfect. We all make mistakes and do things we shouldn't.

J: Mrs. Thomas, don't say that. You are perfect for me! :)

Awww, J doesn't know how much this touched me. He is quite a challenging friend many days, but together we are working hard, and he is growing up. I am NOT perfect, but I can live with "perfect for him." :)

On the family back home front- My mother-in-law lives in St. Louis which was forecast (according to the Weather Channel) to get an inch of ice! And my parents & sister & brother-in-law are supposed to get 18" of snow. This sure has been a big storm winter so far, and this one will definitely go in the record books. Rob talked to his mom a little bit ago, and she is safe inside her apartment. My momma is home from work and said everything is shut down for tomorrow so unless Baby M decides to make an appearance, they'll all be safe inside and staying put.

We're about to eat dinner- fried chicken, Rob's DIVINE mashed potatoes, salad, and peas. Then I'm hitting the streets before I start trying to put together this research paper. I need to pay the bills and get my February menu together since it is February.

Wonder what the groundhog will see tomorrow. :)

Things that made me smile today

• I introduced fractions to my class today. I have never taught fractions at this higher level before, so I was/am nervous! :) I brought fruit to class and after we made bubble maps of the word "fraction" (a sort of pre-assessment for me), and after I introduced some vocabulary, the kids & I cut up fruit into fractions. They each got to "order" their fraction fruit using the correct vocabulary. OH MY WORD!!!!! This was a HUGE hit!!!!! You'd have thought I brought gold or Christmas toys, they were so excited about fruit. I have many kids that I know for sure/or have strong suspicions don't always get to eat at home and this just confirmed it for me. I think I'll start bringing a bag of fruit a couple times a month. And several kids kept asking me, "Where did you buy this fruit, Mrs. T.? I'm going to ask my mom/dad to go there and buy this!" Like they'd never seen it before!
• One of my girls just tickled me how much she loved the little fresh mandarin oranges after she'd finally got brave enough to try one. She kept coming up and asking me, "Can I have 3/10 please?" "4/10?" "9/10?" :) She'd have eaten all my oranges if I let her!!!! Then it finally dawned on her, "Mrs. Thomas, are these the ones you wanted me to try last week at lunch?" :)
• Eating at our favorite Mexican restaurant tonight with Rob, Matthew, Barbara, and one of my self-claimed daughters, Rita. I LOVE that young lady, and was so happy when I got home and she was there! So since it was payday, and we had survived to the day (thank you God!), we took everyone out for supper. YUMMO! I couldn't finish my plate (a good sign!!!) so Matthew helped me finish my meal.
• Getting almost all my papers from last week graded- about 1/3 the stack remains, but it will have to keep for another night!

I'm off of here to email, check facebook and get ready for work tomorrow and head to sleep. Hope you are all having a great start to the week. Thinking of my family back home and hoping they stay warm and safe in the blizzard! Wishing I could be snowed in with you.

Love,
Rebekah :)

Baby M

Soon, my sister & brother-in-law will be meeting their baby. I am getting excited to see the photos of my little nephew/niece and to know which it will be.

Pray for my sister if you will as this is her first child, and she has some other health issues that may make things more difficult. Please pray she has an easy delivery without complications and that mom & Baby M will be healthy and fine.

Thanks!!!!

Just because I'm "sensitive"

Yes, I am sensitive, thin-skinned, hard on myself, etc.- too much so at times. I admit that! Yes, I am hormonal; I admit that too. Yes, I am my own worst critic, too hard on myself, don't see the good that others see in me, only take the negative things, yada, yada, yada...

But that doesn't make what I say not true or somehow, slightly less than the whole truth. I can be all those things, and what I say still be exactly what it is.

And for the record, I hate that I am too thin-skinned, hate that I can be sensitive, hate those hormone swings. I TRY like the dickens to let things roll off my back. I try to look for the good and let the less than good things go. I will keep trying. I wish God had made me some other way and not this way because it is a fault of mine I know. But also because people don't take me seriously. And sometimes it is just an excuse for others to be ugly and then blame it on me for being too sensitive.

My :) list for this weekend:

• I continue to put in the walking, and it's starting to become a habit, I think. :) But even better, I am liking it and it's not so much "exercise" as just a time with Rob and stress relief. I find myself wanting to go for a walk- craving it, kind of. :) I HAVE to get some new tennies though soon as my current ones are totally shot!
• I am totally feeling inadequate for this semester's graduate projects, but I am not quitting (though I'd like to drop out and quit my job both). I'll get through the next six months and then, hopefully, be glad I did.
• I found a way to relieve some of my personal stress during a difficult day this week, and it was funny to boot! :)
• I stood up for my class this week. Don't know if it will do any good or if I'll even get a response, but I have made up my mind that no one else will treat my class like that again. They may "be the 'worst' third grade class at our school," and I may "be the 'worst' third grade teacher," but my students don't deserve to be told that, and for that matter, neither do I. Enough is enough!
• I am working on forgiving myself when I mess up, when I am less than I ought to be. Not an easy thing for me to do, but I'm working on it!
• I am also working on forgiving others and at the same time, though, not letting myself be a doormat. So I have kind of removed myself and gotten a little aloof. Trying to not be ugly, just not be available as much for the drama, comments, or other negatives. If I'm not around, then I can't be so "sensitive," and can't get my feelings hurt. :) Hope I can find the right balance between these two.

My hubby, the practical joker

As I type, my hubby is playing a practical joke on our oldest. He has been secretly pouring salt in Robert's coffee right in plain sight, but Robert hasn't noticed yet. He just went in the kitchen, and Rob starting just emptying a salt shaker into his coffee. I am about to die laughing and trying to not give it away. :) hahahahahahahaha- He finally drank some coffee. Hilarious!!!!!!!

I love this family! I wonder if he'll start pranking me when the kids are gone. I'm going to work on that- I'll have to start joining him or think of ways we can prank our kids together still. ;)

We had the grade level " planning/data day" today- oh how interesting that was. Yeah. 'Nuf said.

I came home and made chicken/bean tacos- YUMMY- and ate some more delicious pico de gallo- I could eat that stuff every day I think! Good stuff! And now, we play pranks on each other and laugh, so I am content. :)

My :) list for today:

• I make myself laugh and sometimes, others too. I like that. Mandy and I sat together today and that was helpful, and we made each other laugh at times- we needed that today!!!
• I spoke up a couple times today- it didn't get me far, but I tried.
• I had my own private rebellion- on the inside- and it felt good. I didn't do anything ugly or not Christ-like; I didn't harm anyone else, but it sure helped me get through the day! :) If I told you here, well you'd see that "real me" I keep trying to tell people about. So I won't tell you (I'll be a hypocrite), and I will just let you think I'm nice. :) hahahahahahhahahaha- insert wicked laugh here

See you later! I'm off to try to walk, work on some grad school, and hopefully go to bed & sleep tonight! :) Thank God tomorrow is Friday!!!!

busy, busy, busy

Tomorrow is an all-day meeting for the third grade team; not sounding like it will be a great day, but I'm going to try to get through it as best I can.

After school today I:

• dealt with a continuing tech issue that has been a major problem all year- a Palm Pilot I'm supposed to have to do assessments, but have had a broken one. I finally got one today and had to have a little help to get it connected to the software, but it's FINALLY up & running, and on Friday I can start trying to catch up to my teammates and get these tests done!
• picked up Barbara at the Y where she has her swimming course (next to the community college) & headed off to Wally-world.
• ate Matthew's yummy stir-fry/rice dinner! THANK YOU Matthew for cooking dinner for us! :)
• made a big bowl of pasta salad to take to our meeting tomorrow & then my boys helped me make a big bowl of pico de gallo as someone asked me to make that too. I LOVE cooking with my boys!!!!
• went for a walk with my hubby! :) It's a cool, rainy evening and I'm tired, but we made it. :) I LOVE my husband!!!! He is my best friend, and the one who really "gets it" with me. I'm so thankful for you, Rob, not that you'll ever see this. :)

Now I've got paperwork to do for school, and then I'm going to try to put off the rest of my to-do list for another day and head to bed. Grad school will hopefully keep for another night. Yikes!!! I've got to be up early so I can get everything ready for the sub, and get all my food into the meeting place and get my paperwork and self ready for our meeting. I kind of feel like I'm going into the fiery furnace, but that's probably a little melodramatic. :) :) :)

My list for today:

1. I walked just over 2 miles today at work alone!!!! WOW!!!! By the time I hit the sack tonight I'll have over 4 miles on my pedometer!!!! :) :) :)
2. I must be a good mom. I see my kids and their love for me & how concerned they are for me, how they want to come to my defense. It's sweet and really touches me!!! I did something right in raising them because they are really, TRULY wonderful young adults!!!
3. I had a better attitude today and didn't get too angry today. Momma & I were sort of talking through FB last night about this, and that anger isn't bad, but I always feel horribly, HORRIBLY guilty when I get mad. Working on this though.
4. I made one of my boys laugh at lunch today when he saw me humming a song and dancing around with another student. :) I think he was surprised to see his teacher like that. Someone asked him, "What, you didn't know Mrs. Thomas was cool?" He shook his head and grinned. :)

Paperwork is calling me. Pray for our team tomorrow. It promises to be quite an "interesting" day.

Rebekah :)

My :) List

It's been a hard day, and I really don't want to say much, but I was thinking about my little blog this morning and remembered that I'm supposed to be putting down some positives about me when I write. I haven't done that the last couple posts. So before my accountability friends catch me :), I am putting down what I can think of for today. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

• I continue to walk and take care of me. I even got myself a pedometer. I walk waaaay more at school than I realized! I realize for those of you who are very active, this will not be much, but I just didn't realize how much walking around I did at school! I put in a mile today at work and that was on a testing/guarded time day with no playground time, no specials and such! My kids were so curious about what I was wearing, and then SERIOUSLY cheering for me all day as they checked my steps! Thinking I might have to work this into my math lessons.
• I am doing this even though I am absolutely in the pit- that is growth!!!
• I am seeing a change in my body for the better! :) That's all I'm saying for now. :)
• I am not an award-winning, stellar, out-of-this-world teacher, but I care for my kids, and they KNOW it!

Okay, I did it! I'm sick with a cold bug/sinus infection/something, but there's a warm bowl of white chili (my favorite soup) waiting for me, grad school assignments to finish before midnight, papers to grade, writing samples to score, report cards to finalize, and reading test results to analyze.

I know it will sound silly, but please pray for our dog, Samson. He just started throwing up- not something he's ever done before. I hope it's nothing wrong and just something passing.

Psalm 23- a new version

I wanted to rewrite the 23rd Psalm in some cute way. Yeah, I'm not that creative. This is all I got:

He guides me along a path of decent-ness and reason

For the sake of intelligence.

Even though I walk through the valley of stupidity,

I will fear no suit, for He is with me.

But I did find this:

The Lord is my real superintendent and I shall not want. He gives me peace when class chaos is all around me. He gently reminds me to pray before I teach and to do all things without murmuring, whining, and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my source of strength and not my school. He restores my sanity everyday and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in everything I do.

Even though sometimes I face absurd amounts of un-graded papers, unrealistic expectations, budget cuts, apathetic parents, non-supportive colleagues, and inconsiderate principals, I will not stop -- for He is with me! His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.

He raises me up, even when my school fails to recognize me and my students refuse to listen. He claims me as His own, even when I’m stressed out.

His faithfulness and love are better than any promised pay raise. His retirement plan beats any 401K there is! When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him in His Heavenly classroom a whole lot longer, and for that, I bless His Name.

-- Modified by Prof. Joe Martin

No Words

Where's the Kool-aid?

Warning- You might want to turn away now. This is just the opinion of one tired, completely disgusted teacher. My disclaimer for you before you read is that in case you didn't know it, you're reading the blog of an awful teacher, a failing teacher, one who doesn't care about her students or want them to be successful in life. (Yes, that is what I have been told. I am NOT exaggerating.) Consider yourself warned. :)

I had to listen to more discussion today about how we teachers stink, how we are failing our children, and all that drill..... NEVER mind that all but three of my kids' scores went up on their second math benchmark, many of them significantly!!!! (And, to those critics out there, YES, I care very, very much about those three who didn't improve and will continue to do everything in my power to help those students.) Never mind that my class average jumped 10% from last quarter. I know it's still bad, and we still have a long way to go. I knew that before I passed out the stupid tests!!!! I know it better than anybody else because I walk that road every single day with the kids- not them!!!!

All I wanted was a half an hour to plan the big picture for next week with a colleague without having to hear how awful I am. Half an hour. Thirty minutes. I couldn't even get that. I mean, seriously, we can't even applaud ourselves for one minute for the growth our students made before we get back to the hard work of helping all our children grow and learn and become the people they were meant to be. I wasn't even applauding myself because I knew someone would have something to say, and sure enough... good thing I didn't hold my breath.

I think all the mean-ions (I can't insult the cute little minions from the movie by using the same name for these people, so I'll change it up a bit) and those who profess themselves to be "in the know" about education today have all been to the same "kool-aid meetings." It's like they've all swallowed the same poison. Yes, our students need help. Yes, they are behind, and our education system is failing. Yes, many teachers are not up to the quality that is needed, and in some cases teachers are to blame. But folks, there are so many other issues at play here. And for every awful teacher, there are so many more hardworking, devoted, loving teachers who are working themselves to death to meet their students' needs, find ways to fix the problems, help kids catch up, AND do all the stupid stuff that the mean-ions tells us to do- clean your whiteboard, put this up on your bulletin board, don't cover more than x % of your wall space, don't use tape on your walls or doors, show student work but don't put it here or here or here, post an EQ, state goal # and objective #, and a series of "I can" statements for everything you will teach in the day in advance, BUT make sure your whiteboard is clean and "streamlined," attend six million meetings and "opportunities for professional development" which are not really opportunities but one more "meanion" who has all the answers but really doesn't- just another person getting paid big $ to act like they know it all.

I am NOT making excuses. If we are going to fix the system, we have to address all the issues; otherwise we will never change a thing and the system will continue to fail the children we are supposed to be serving!

I keep trying to think of a good comparison. Cancer rates seem to have gone up in the last 100 years. We don't look at dr.'s and blame them for the increased rates of cancer. We don't say that dr.'s don't do enough and that they are failing the patients because they got cancer in the first place. We look for the causes of cancer, and we encourage people to avoid things that cause it such as smoking, high-fat diets, unhealthy lifestyles, etc. I am obese and have been for a long time. If I get a heart attack and become very ill, I would be absolutely stupid to blame our nation's medical system. I can't say, "Oh, the dr.'s should have written a PMP (personalized medical plan) or they should have implemented this special program or tried this approach." It will be my own stupid fault. And anybody who knows me would probably tell me that I was wrong to blame anybody but myself. It's rough. I have all these excuses and reasons, but in the end, it will be my fault if I die or get sick from obesity. And hate it I will, but I hope that I don't go seeking a scapegoat for my own failures.

The cold, sad truth is kids don't get to choose their lives. They can't pick what kind of home they'll grow up in, the neighborhood they'll live in, the types of parents or how much support they'll get at home. They don't have much power to choose good role models from early on or the ability to make their parents help them with homework, read to them or do all the things that "should" happen to help them be successful. And families don't always get all the breaks. Failed relationships and divorce happen, people die, moms and dads abandon their kids, layoffs and unemployment exist. Crime and poverty. Abuse and neglect. Hunger. Drugs. Alcohol. Welcome to the lives of many of our kids. Welcome to the lives of some of my students.

Now come back in my room, and look at how much behavior is improving. How much students are learning to control their anger, express their emotions in more appropriate ways, talk out their feelings, accept their failings and move on. Look at how much my kids are learning to get along with one other, even kids they don't really like as much. Look at the decrease in cussing, fighting, throwing of objects, hitting the teacher, screaming, and crying and at the increase in smiling, happy children and amount of work completed. Look at how grades are slowly improving and the growth in my kids' benchmarks. Look at how much harder they worked and longer they took this time to complete their tests over 1st quarter. None of that shows up on your little data sheet I notice, but THAT is the stuff that will make my kids successful in life. Data THAT!

Thank you letter

Dear ________________ (fill in the blank, you know who you are),

I just want to take this moment to say thank you. Truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart. See, you meant it for bad. You have said hurtful things. You have been unfair. You have judged wrongly. You have misrepresented me to others, not stood up for me, not come to my defense or shared the good things you "say" you think about me. You have let others trample on my good reputation. You have judged me without any evidence. You have spoken ill of me and talked about me behind my back. You have placed yourself above me and behaved in a way that says, "You are inferior to me. I am a superior human being." You have believed you knew me, but you really do not because you don't really want to know me. You just want to have the scoop so you can feed the gossip mill.

And I have let you. I have gotten hurt, prayed, cried, prayed, cussed, prayed, talked and talked and talked, and prayed some more. And now I am just angry. Really, really angry.

And for that I want to say, "Truly, most sincerely, thank you." What you meant for bad, I am going to turn to good with God's help. I am GOING to prove you wrong! I am not going to let you get the better of me. I am not going to let you beat me down. I don't know how I will do it, but I know God will not fail me.

And when this school year is over, I am going to be a wiser and better person. I am going to turn that anger into fuel. I will walk it off, talk it off with my hubby who understands me, and keep on doing just what I have been- my best! I was doing it all along, and it wasn't for you. And in the end, it won't be for you- it's for God and for those 18 kids who watch me all day. I am helping them become the people they were meant to be, and I will be doing that every day in spite of you.

So thank you for giving me more fuel. Thank you for placing adversity in my path. Because when I get through this, boy am I going to have something to share and the example I am setting for my three young people and those kids of mine at school- well, I am determined to set the right example for them.

Sincerely,
Me (you know who I am)

Quick Hello

Just popping on here very quickly. Rob & I have taken our walk- another mile in. :) It's getting easier every time. :) Robert and I have started dinner- sauteed chicken & veggies w/ bow tie pasta topped with light Caesar dressing and a little Parmesan cheese. Delicious!

Thank you for your prayers! I won't have results until tomorrow for the math test. Regardless of what the scantron says, my kids did MUCH better today because they ALL tried, worked hard, took longer, actually read through each item, checked their work. No one finished before the 45 minute mark (last time several were done in 10-15 minutes). They were so sweet, so worried, and very anxious this morning. I kept assuring them that they just needed to do their best and that was all I wanted, that I was proud of them no matter what. Too bad we teachers won't get that same message- we get the opposite. But I'm not going there. I've learned my lesson. Aren't you happy? :) hahahahahahaha

So, SERIOUSLY, thank you for praying! I was VERY VERY proud of my kids- so many good things I saw today as they worked through their anxiety, their frustration, their worries, and those math problems. My students really are growing up!!!! We also got to film a t.v. news spot with Ms. Melissa today (to be aired in early February), and the kids were great and really enjoyed that! We also got to use our Nook for the first time today. Those things are amazing!!! They are going to love using it!

I have a custom card order to do, papers to grade, and grad school assignments to work on tonight. I'm outta here! :)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Here's the lowdown from today:

The Good:

• "My girl" was beyond happy and proud when I shared my good news about her report card. I took her to the principal to share how proud I was of her. :) She told some of her favorite staff members and her former teacher too- "Mrs. Thomas cried when she did my report card because I did so good!" :) Oh, I wish I could share her smile with you- it was amazing! :)
• My class continues to be so much better! I am very proud of them, and oh so thankful. They crack me up because they keep talking about our "old class" and how awful they were, but how much they like their "new class" now! :) Pride in themselves is really motivating them to keep being that "new class." I'll take it! :)
• Our first Nook e-reader came today through Donors Choose! The kids and I are very excited to use it. I let them make me wish-lists of books they'd like to have on it. I purchased a few books tonight for it to get them started, and I'll do more at payday. This technology is really amazing! If you follow my Donors Choose page at all, you'll be able to see photos of the kids reading with it soon. :) I have one more grant for another Nook up- about half way there. I will be trying to get a couple more before years' end so that I can have enough for a small station.
• It was a late start today due to some freezing rain early this morning, but we managed to get most of our lessons in for the day.
• The kids loved giving Mrs. Sudano a baby shower gift today. I loved teaching my kids to give to others and think outside of themselves. I believe strongly in this!

The Bad & The Ugly:

Well, I was going to share the bad & ugly, but Rob says I better not. Big brother is watching. So on that note, "Hello Big Brother or Big Sister, whichever you are." :)

Wishes are wishes; life is life. :)

I'm fighting some "blah's" and wishing I could be "home"- what's new, I know. My momma's been sick, and my sister is soon to have her baby. I am so happy for my sister and Scott and the grandparents! I just wish I could be there, and it is really bothering me. Really. But life isn't always what we wish.

This Wednesday, Thursday, and next Monday will be the big benchmark tests at my school. Rob's students will be taking their EOC's this week also. Please pray. For the kids. For the results. For the teachers. Thanks!

And hey, I took another walk today- in the cold, Crystal, in a t-shirt. :)

crying + report cards= a happy me

I am working on report cards, but I have to hop on here and write this down for myself. I just started report cards, and right "out of the gate" on the very first kid- THERE is my proof!

Love may not solve everything that my kids have to face in their hard lives, but LOVE can help! My "girl," a very special child to me, the reason I came up to third grade! WOW!!!! I knew she had improved a great deal these past few weeks in her behavior, and I was seeing her actually attempt to do some classwork. BUT, WOW, when I pull up her 1st quarter report card to see what I wrote and reread her grades from 1st quarter. OH MY GOODNESS and THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I all did was love her- really. Loved her through some pretty rough days and loved her on the good days. Gave her hugs a zillion times a day no matter what she was acting like, told her I believed in her even when she was being a not-so-nice human being. Celebrated EVERY SINGLE good thing she did, and hugged away the bad things. LOVE!

There is my proof for the critics out there who don't like me from the regional office. Once you can help a child start to deal with their anger, learn to control their behaviors, THEN they can get down to learning, and she has! The grades are markedly better, and the behavior/work grades are HUGELY better! :) :) :) I cannot wait to show her this report card. Last time she was so upset with herself for her report card grades, and that made for a rough day. This time, we are going to happy dance together!!!!!

And, not where she'll ever see it, but on my inside I'm praying this growth shows up on the one & only score that "they" count, so that maybe, just maybe, they'll see what I see too and start to believe in us too. But either way, THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a small revelation

I know this is crazy. I am nervous to write this out here where people I know, people I don't know, people I work with, people who "think" they know me, and complete strangers might see it and judge me. But this is my journal and so I am going to do it anyway.

I think I heard God whispering something to me in church today. It's probably something everyone else knows, but as I am His "slow learner" it takes me a while. Pretty sure it will take me a while to really "get it." But I'm working on it-harder than anyone knows.

I think I figured out, with His help, why I get so upset with myself. I am not sure where this comes from or why I'm like this or when it started- don't know if it matters even. I won't name names, but some of my family and probably many others have gotten so frustrated with me at times and have told me that I am acting like I'm better than everyone else because I set some higher standard for myself. I'm sure that's what it seems like to others, but it's really not it.

I just HATE HATE HATE when I "feel" like I have been a disappointment to God or to others. Mostly that "feeling" is my perception of being a disappointment which is the same in my head (not a sane place I know) as being a failure. If I have let someone down, not been there for them, hurt someone, not performed in a situation, problem, or trial like I "think" a "good Christian" should or as I think God would have wanted me to, then this thing starts in my head. The self-hate, and yes, that really is what it is, starts. My parents, husband, sister, kids, bosses, and friends have all told me to "just turn that record off; break that record; don't listen to it...." And all those things are good advice. But, you need to understand something. I don't see it coming; it usually is there before I realize it- so it's not like I can just stop it before it starts. I see it after it's started, and then I am having to try to turn it off. And THAT is growth for me, folks! The "old" Rebekah couldn't have even done that. I have come a long way in this process. I at least recognize that it is some dumb record playing, that I need to turn it off, and I am fighting to do so. Maybe before I die, I'll figure out how to re-record that record; I don't know. It's pretty hard-wired in my head at 40 years old, but I'm trying. And that's all I can do.

But, and this is a big but for me, something struck me today in worship (honestly, I get more out of worship service than sermons or anything else- I always hear God then very strongly!). When He died on the cross all the sins of all of us were "laid" on Him. I know that, but it just hit me- every sin I ever committed (yeah, I know that), BUT also every sin I will ever commit in the present and future- things I haven't even done wrong yet, but am sure to do- even those were laid on Him. So even though I don't know the many, stupid, sinful, willful things I will do, HE already does and HE already forgave me before I was even a blip on the radar screen of the world. SO, if He already knows what I am going to do, all the sins and mistakes and failures and let-downs I am going to do ahead of time, then they really aren't "disappointments" to Him, are they?

So, I'm looking up the word "disappointment"-

Websters says that disappoint means- to fail to meet the expectation or hope of

When I google the word, I got this, disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.

So, I'm really thinking about this. I'm thinking about my kids. They have "disappointed me" at times- a little kind of disappointment in the sense that I was disappointed that they didn't do their best in school or disappointed that their behavior was not what it ought to have been in a given situation. BUT, it was not the "big" disappointment in that, I was sorry I had them, sorry I knew them, regret kind of disappointment. NOTHING my children have ever done- and God knows they've done some things I would never tell anyone- but NOTHING they do would make me disappointed in them as my children. Yet, I'm not God. I don't know what they will do someday; don't know the mistakes, stupid things, or flat out- sins they will do someday (I pray they are not too many).

God already knew/knows what I will do well, what I will do horribly, what I will accomplish and what I will fail in. He knows what my limits are, what trials I will encounter, what I face. He knows my personality, who I am, what I've done, where I've been, and where I'm going. There is NOTHING about me that He does not already know. He knows me better than I know myself- I sure hope so, as I am 40 and still trying to understand who this crazy lady named "Rebekah Rose" is. :) He is a loving Father. I think that's where I get myself into trouble. I want to be a good child; I don't want to hurt Him.

But maybe I'm just going to have to trust that He isn't hurt by my mistakes. He was a human. He understands that we get tired, that we have those stupid hormones, that we misunderstand others, that we experience stress and sorrow and hurt. He understands the human, physical limitations on us. He does not expect me to be perfect because He understands, apparently better than I do, that in this imperfect, human form, I cannot be perfect until I "arrive" up there someday. So, Rebekah Rose, if God can understand all that, still lay down His life knowing all the sins, evil thoughts, words, deeds you would someday do, and still say, "I love you. I forgive you." Then, you are not a disappointment to God, dummy. (Throwing in a little Sanford & Son there just for fun.) :)

So to my family, friends who love me from so far away, and whatever coworker might be reading this, you'll have to put up with me a while longer. I am sorry for my aggravating habits, but I'm working on this, MUCH MUCH harder than you know. I'll get there someday, and until then please allow me the moments I may have and be patient with me. I haven't arrived yet.

Oh lovely :)

Last night I actually SLEPT all night (about 7 hours) and woke up with very little back pain!!!! It was more wonderful than I can say!!!!!!!! I can't honestly remember when I've done that it's been so very long. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

We went to the first church service, and after church, drove the two walking routes I'm trying to use to measure their approximate distance (much further than I had thought!), went to get a soda, and came home to fix lunch. Lunch was yummy- broccoli cheese soup, wraps, and I had fresh blackberries- my favorite! I did a couple things I needed to do for grad school, and I have taken a lovely nap- another thing I don't get to do often thanks to insomnia and a busy life. I have a lot to do, but I have just sat here vegging out a bit and enjoying this fire Rob started- so peaceful to watch. :)

I'm going to work on report cards next and try to get them as close to done as I can today.

This weekend's list-

• I went for a walk with Rob yesterday between my grocery run and the funeral, and Rob, Barbara, Matthew and I walked again today (and now know exactly how far I am walking)- it is getting a little easier this week so yeah! :)
• I did NOTHING Friday night- no lesson plans, no grading papers, no college, nothing!, and I took a nap today- hey, I could get used to this. :) I know this sounds silly or maybe lazy or self-centered to people who don't know me, but if you know me, you'll know this is rare for me.
• I was in a funky mood (stress, truly sick of work, one of my "I hate me" moods, plus the funeral) but I went out anyway with my daughter and a coworker to get some dinner and buy a baby shower gift for another coworker. That was fun. I loved my Greek salad. Thanks Barbara for buying the dinner! :) Thanks to B & my coworker for putting up with me when I was moody & tired and still loving me in spite of it. Not too many coworkers do that for you. :) Not all moms get daughters that will love you as much as mine does! I know that and am thankful!
• I went to church today. God is good and still loves me and spoke to me.
• Matthew and cooked tonight after our walk- the yummy veggie pasta salad. With Greek dressing and a little feta cheese on top. Oh. my. word. Soooo good!

I better quit being a bum now, and get to work. Think I'll take another walk first. :) This could become habit-forming, and I pray it does. :) That's my goal anyway. :)