Being Realistic

The holidays are here and my birthday falls in here too.  I don't do lots of sweets all year long- the only time I make a dessert is for the birthdays in our house and at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I've never been a big baker of treats.   Someone asked me if I was going to have trouble with the holidays "sticking to my healthy lifestyle."  My response was easy.  I am going to be careful but enjoy whatever I want to.  Not overdo, but if I want a cookie, I'm going to have one.  Pumpkin pie for my birthday, a few cookies on Christmas.  My goal is to not gain back weight over Christmas break.  If I don't lose in that time, I'm okay with that.  I want to enjoy life.  I work out hard (too hard I'm often told) daily.  I am going to live my life and not be unrealistic.

Changes

It's funny how losing a very large amount of weight changes things.  Changes me.  Changes others. Changes relationships.  Especially changes me.

I know change is part of life.  I am usually one who embraces change and likes to see new things, go to new places, do new things...  I'm not saying I mind all the changes that are happening in my life, but it is definitely different, and some changes I did not expect.

I know someone who lost a large amount of weight with her husband's support, but when she got close to her weight goal, he left her because he couldn't handle it.  I thought it was so sad and strange and cruel at the time.  Now, I see people around me treating me differently.  A lot of friendly teasing going on, and that's cool, but I also get the smart-aleck comments, and the snide "oh look at you" kinds of statements, like it's somehow just easy for me to say "no" to things I want to eat or to exercise self control or push myself past horrible pain and make myself go to the gym daily, some days twice a day.

I also didn't know that I would change so much that I would feel alienated from people I've known for years.

I am learning to depend on God and myself much more and other people much less.  I have been able to count on my husband who is on this journey with me.  He is the one I depend on so many days and that I know I can talk to no matter what.  Most of the time he "gets it" because he's also experiencing these changes and the ways people are different to him as well.  And when he doesn't get it, he just listens to me, tells me he loves and then proves it.  I'm so grateful that I have him and his unconditional love.  I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but I am hopeful that God & Rob will be there through it all and I pray that for whatever I have to give up, God will give me the strength to stand on my own.

Post Obesity Body

Someday I hope, no make that plan, to not be obese.  But I know that even then I will not be pretty.  I have given up on that a long time ago.  When I started this health improvement effort, I knew I couldn't get back the pretty, thin me I used to be, and I have settled for smaller and healthier-that's not a bad "settle for" in my book.  I wasn't quite prepared for what weight loss of this extreme nature would look like, and I still am not sure how it will look on this body, but I'm starting to get an idea.

I'm not showing under the clothes to anyone (there are only two people on earth I trust with that), so they don't know what this fat body looks like underneath the layers I use to hide it as best I can.  They don't know about the loose skin that's starting to show up now as the fat goes away.  They don't know how ugly I find it on my own self.  I'm not saying that anyone else is ugly who has this.  I am NOT judging another soul.  I am simply stating that I find my body gross and revolting to look at, even as I lose the fat.  I haven't liked myself in the mirror for years and years, and I'm coming to understand that I probably never will because when the fat is gone it won't look pretty still.  It's going to be covered in stretchy, flabby skin that just hangs and gets in the way.  

I'm okay with this.  I avoid mirrors most of the time anyway, and I can hide the body under layers of prettier clothes.  No one else has to see it.  The only place I can see me having a problem will be the pool, but I will figure that one out somehow.  

My sister posted a link to this video this week, not sure where she came across it or what made her share it, but I was thankful that someone was brave enough to share his own story.  I don't think I could ever do that, brave as I want to be, that couldn't be me.  

I'm proud of myself for sticking with this and losing as much weight as I've lost.  It's a great thing I know, and something I never could do before.  But it's also mixed with other problems and issues and not just some simple, "happy ending" kind of story.  I have ruined my body in so many ways and can never go back or undo the damage I've caused for myself.  That is something I regret more than I can ever say.

Walk with me please

I have heard so many times, "You have such a pretty face/eyes/smile/complexion/fill-in-the-blank."  I know you mean those compliments, truly.  I know that in your mind it is true.  I accept that and appreciate the thoughts and that you have a good view of me.  

What I wish, though, is that you could see my life through my own experiences and eyes and not the rose-colored glasses you have because you love me and know me as a person.  I know it must be frustrating to love me and care about me and see all the wonderful things a loved one does and then to watch me "tear myself apart" the way I know I do.  It is NOT about self-hatred, though I admit there is a part of me that struggles with that.  It is about the way I feel in the real world I live in and interact with.  

Try going to the store with me or the post office, the doctor's office, or movie theater.  Try to see me the way others do who don't know me, who don't see the hugs I give or the way I interact with kids, or the many other positives that anyone who knows me might say/think about me. Try to see me the way the "public" does.  It isn't me "just being sensitive."  I'm so tired of that!  Sorry to say it and hurt you; I am, though.  

There was a time when I quit going out in public unless I absolutely had to because of the hideous way I felt every time I went to the store or bank or ran an errand.  I was so ashamed of who I had become based only on my size.  This was wrong thinking, but you cannot understand how beaten down one can become when you can't go anywhere without the rude comments, laughter, pointing, stares, or just plain nastiness you get when you are grossly overweight.   God only knows how many photos of me I have had people take on their cellphones.  I'm sure I am probably on the people of Walmart website somewhere if I wanted to look.   Walk with me and watch people move aside like my fat-ness is contagious or so that they can get a better staring or photographic view.  Listen to the ugly, hurtful things people say as if I'm deaf or perhaps deserve to hear their contempt because I'm just a blob, not really a person.  It's like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.  It goes way beyond embarrassed. There are no words for it.  You feel less than human.  It's a hurt that goes deep down inside and stays there when it happens over and over and over.  

I'm not saying I have some excuse for staying a blob- I did this to myself.  I own that and take full responsibility for it.  I am saying I do not feel pretty and honestly am not sure I ever will.  I just wish you could understand that.  I am not asking you to like it or agree, but if you could understand where this comes from, that there are valid reasons for it and try to be patient and accepting of my own self-view, well it'd help a lot.

This has all been sitting in my head the last few days.  Then today I saw an old high school classmate's post and comments regarding this article.   This classmate is an amazing lady.  She teaches children no one else wants to teach in a rough place and does it with this unending God love, and an amazing tenacity to stick with these kids.  She is a mom and seems to be raising three great kids who are going to help make the world a better place.  She organizes fundraisers and collects food, clothes, and other needed items for homeless folks.  I could go on and on about her.  She's always sharing prayer and practical needs for other folks.  She's a TERRIFIC person.  Yet, she shared today that someone made some awful, terrible comments in the presence of her kids about her (called her a nasty fat bitch) just because of her size.  I will bet money that she does more good in ten minutes of her day than most people do all year long or even their whole lives, but I guess because she's obese she's not worthy of kindness either in this person's book.  This post just broke my heart.  I am not alone in this awful experience.  I hate that other people go through this too.  There are so many wonderful people walking around doing good in the world, being kind and loving and helping others who get treated like they are less than the dirt on the ground based on the size of their body.

Whether you want to see it or not, it exists and happens daily to me and to many, many others.  It's very real to us.  It is a deeply personal thing that I've been dealing with for years and years.  I have begun the journey to a healthier me, and with God's help I will get where I need to be.  I hope the inside parts of me will heal and change and grow too; I believe they very much are doing that as well as the outside.  But I hope you can understand and accept that I will never see me the way you do.  I'm sorry that it causes you hurt.  I hope that you can come to terms with who I am, all of me and not take it as a personal thing.

R :)

Preparing for Battle

I go to see the orthopedic doc tomorrow.  The last time he & I spoke he had some rude comments about " people like me" just saying they'd go to the gym if he helped them, but it really just helping them get to the frig faster.  It hurt after all I've done to change my ways and all the pounds and inches I've lost.  His nurse & assistant saw the change in me and were excited about it, but he didn't notice at all.

I'm prepared this time:

• a weight graph for the last year
• a year's worth of gym check-ins all printed out (showing the regular attendance, the training sessions, and the 2-a-days I often do)
• measurements that show I've lost over 30" of myself
• BMI & body fat percentages that show major loss as well (BMI down almost 15 points, body fat % down about 10%)
• photos that are obvious I'm smaller
• a video from Zumba class that show me working hard
• and if that's not enough, I'm taking in a pair of my "super fat" pants and I'll prove it that way

Here are a couple photos of me before I started this and at my heaviest.

Still a LONG journey to go, but I'm on my way- crummy knees and all- whether doctors support me and help me or not- I. Am. On. My. Way.

The end

time to reflect and project :)

Starting off my holiday off with a few minutes to journal/blog and hit the gym with my trainer.  Tuesday's are my 2-a-day gym day with the trainer first and then water Zumba class.  

I'm looking forward to today- going to take care of my physical self first, then going to spend the day with my best friend.  While he's doing his work and projects, I'm going to be working on Christmas gifts- a quilt for Zoe, and some other things for family members, plus blankets for students.  I'm still plugging away on hats for a couple ministries too.  

Better get some breakfast down my throat and get dressed- it's time to leave! :)

This is what I was trying to say

I am not very good at expressing my deepest feelings sometimes.  I say what I am thinking/feeling, but it never comes out the way I mean for it to.  I recently tried to explain some of the junk up in my head about losing 100 pounds, but it came out to the hearer like I was just putting myself down and judging myself and others by their size.  Ugh!

I know it won't make sense to most people, but losing a lot of weight is complicated.  A good thing for sure! But not all smiles, rainbows, and ponies like you might think.  I don't understand all the why's of it, but even though I've lost a large chunk of me, and must be much smaller than I was, I don't feel it.  I can see the loss in the size of clothes I wear, the way everything is falling off my body, the comments that others make, but I still feel like the same huge person inside.  I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever change, and realize that it may not.

Then I read this article this weekend that I somehow stumbled across when doing schoolwork and looking for something completely unrelated to health/weight loss.  It seems like I was "meant" to see this, and it did hit home oh so much.  I almost cried reading it.

The article could best be summed up with this statement found later in the report:

"Cultural fantasies of weight loss present a tidy, attractive proposition – lose weight, gain self-acceptance – without addressing the whole truth: that body image post-weight loss is often quite complicated."

The parts that I really related to the most were:

"Everything starts sagging, and you've got stretch marks, and clothes fit differently, ... and you're saying, 'Am I doing the right thing? Because this shirt doesn’t look right,'" she says. "...I would get really down on myself about, like, 'I'm not doing this correctly,' or, 'This isn't what it's supposed to look like.'"  I so understand this!  I knew my body was not pretty to start with, and I knew it wasn't going to get pretty afterwards.  I did not know exactly what to expect and I knew that going in, but did not realize how the skin would hang down now empty of fat and nowhere to go.  I didn't realize that my hips would look the way they do or that I would feel uglier than when I started if that is even possible.

"Despite now being a very lean 166 pounds at just under six feet tall (and training for a marathon!), Janetzko says he still doesn't see a thin or fit person when he looks in the mirror."-  I was so thankful to read this because THIS is EXACTLY what's been going on in my head!

"Any discomfort you may feel with your body is compounded by a sense of shame at not feeling unmitigated pride at a moment you expected to be triumphant."-   YES! YES!  YES!!!  People think I should be proud and excited and thrilled, and I am those things, but I am also other feelings too that I guess I can't express because people don't understand. 

"Big, important things about people's lives do change after they've lost weight – and yes, often for the better – but no one becomes a different person. You're still you, even when you're half of your former self."  I was hard, incredibly, unhealthily so, on myself before this all started.  I am trying very hard to improve in that area as I also improve the physical part, but I don't know how to change all that overnight.  I'm still me on the inside, and like it or not, that me doesn't like herself much.  That's not going to drastically change just because my butt size goes down.

Real people stores

I bought some sweatpants in Walmart a few weeks ago, and was so stunned that I could do so.

But today, my girls and I went to Dress Barn, and I did something I haven't done in well over a decade- I bought clothes for me that fit in a "real people store."  I did my best to not cry and embarrass myself or the girls, but I cannot tell you how it feels.  After years and years and years of only being able to buy clothes in a plus size only store and one that caters to extremely large women, well, it felt good.

I know my usual clothes store's sizes tend to range a little on the larger size too, so to go down two more pant sizes is a big thing!  (no pun intended)

I can't believe it, I really can't.  It seems like a dream.  I wonder when it will start to seem real and I won't have to be afraid of it going away.  For now, I am enjoying the feeling even if the fear is in my head somewhere.  Tonight I am going to put on a pair of my new smaller pants and one of my pretty tops and go out to a nice dinner with my hubby to celebrate my new less-morbid size. :)

R :)

weight loss journey

I am really hesitant to share but I think I will.  I've been working on getting to a smaller body for over a year now.  I have changed a great deal on the inside as I've worked on the outside.  I'm not sure about all the changes I see happening me some days, but mostly I think it's going well.

I have been journaling some of my thoughts the last few months and started blogging them a few weeks ago.

http://blobnomore.blogspot.com/

Ready or Not Here I Post

I do not know that I really want to post this or that I even should.  This is really scary, but here I go.




I never would have let anyone take a photo of me when I started Zumba with my teacher, Ms. Ana, back in late May.  Today my daughter came and took some video of me for an upcoming medical appointment.  

Anyway, I decided to post this video here because I should look back someday and remember just how far I've come.  Ms. Ana told me this last week that she wishes she would have videoed me the first day so that I could see how far I've come.  Looking at this though I can see it.  I feel really ugly the way my fat jiggles and swings around when I'm dancing the moves, but I am also a little proud of myself.  I know it will sound weird too, but some days I almost feel like God is smiling down on me too while I am sweating and killing my knees.  I hope this somehow counts in His book somewhere.

But whether it does in His book or my doctor's, I am counting it in my book. :)

I WILL WIN

This is part of my battle to get healthier.  Crappy knees.  It hurts!  No, that's not a good description, but I can't think of a good word.  Excruciating might be closer.    It is seriously challenging to get through the days at this point.  I cannot take much for pain/discomfort/inflammation so I go on without any medicine.

But I keep on going and fighting my fight and toughing it out.

Because no matter what anyone says or what I feel or think on my bad days, I am going to win this fat-fight! So I keep working out, staying active throughout the day, going to classes at the gym...  I will NOT be ruled by my bone-on-bone knees!  I will hike the mountain trails and walk down the thick sandy stretches of beach.  I will limp my way through my days and use the cane when I need it.

 I WILL WIN!

Missing what was

I've lost something that was and it doesn't get better with time.  I keep trying to go over it in my head, figure out what I did wrong, how could I have done things differently, what hurt did I do, what did I say wrong....

Thinking about this a lot.  These song lyrics just hit me tonight as I sit and do schoolwork.

"If you find somebody to love in this world, you better hang on tooth and nail.  The wolf is always at the door.... And in these days when darkness falls early, and people rush home to the ones they love, you better take a fool's advice and take care of your own.  One day they're here; next day they're gone."

Hiding from Myself

As I've gone through life I've always tried to hide in the back of the classroom, back of the room, back of the crowd....  now as a teacher I always try to sit in the back of the meeting and no matter the event, I will always be found at the back of it- church, public events... you name it, you'll know where to look for me.

I don't want to be noticed or looked at.  I was this way even before my fat days, but being so large hasn't helped that at all.

Enter my big behind in Zumba class- I hate the wall of mirrors in class and used to hide behind the banners to avoid looking at myself or being as visible to others.  Then they took the banners down and I had to face my reflection or be sure to hide others (that's only so effective when you're twice or three times larger than everyone else in class though).

So I also chose to not wear my glasses to Zumba class so I couldn't really see myself very well if I happened to glance up.  That was stupid though because I couldn't see my instructor quite as well.

This week I made the choice to leave my glasses on and dance my way through class with them on.  I also made myself look at my reflection throughout class.  I don't like what I see but I'm doing it.  I am getting better at not hiding from myself.  I don't have any desire to move up in the crowd, sit in the front of the room, go to the front pew in church and I doubt I EVER will, but at least I am being real with myself, owning who I really truly am more and more and accepting the realities of that too.

R :)

The Fat Girl In My Head

I don't expect this to make sense or for you to understand.

Shoot I don't even understand it, and it's in my own head.

See, I used to be a thin girl who thought she was fat (even though she was "just right" in all reality).

And now for two decades I have been the fat girl in reality.  And fatter girl and obese girl and so on until she is who I am.  That thin girl is long dead- just a memory in a yearbook or on my mother's photo wall.  It's not really me.  I know it was, but it doesn't seem like me.

She was fairly pretty but didn't know it.  Oh, how I wish this me could go back and talk to that girl, but time doesn't work that way I'm afraid.

So now the fat girl is trying to take care of herself, something she should have done long, long ago.  Overdue, it's not an easy fight, but this fat ol' girl isn't giving up.  She's pretty hard on me most days and doesn't let me off the hook. In the gym, she pushes me when I hurt, get tired or want to quit early, "Come on Thomas, you can do this.  You HAVE to finish this.  You can do more/go longer/go heavier...  You are NOT a quitter!"  Most of the time she is pretty encouraging in a coach kind of way.  Some days she can get firm and ugly with me when I really need it- "Move your fat ass!  Come on lard-butt, get going."

I know that's sick in some mental-health kind of way, but she helps me stay the course.  She keeps me going when the going gets tough, and it is tough!

The thing is, I know it upsets some who care about me, but I don't know that I will ever see myself as anything but the fat girl.  She's been part of who I am for so long- most of my adult life now.  I wouldn't mind if she went away, but I don't think it will happen.

I can see the scale moving- down 100 #- that's quite a lot of weight.  I can see the clothes that I can no longer wear piling up in a box and trash bag in my laundry room.  I KNOW that I have gotten smaller.  But when I look in the mirror most days I can't see the weight loss as much as you'd think.  It's hard to visualize the 100 # that were on me- I can't see where it's come off exactly.  I mean my face and neck are thinner and my stomach/rib cage, my hips, waist and behind are getting smaller based on the baggy pants I'm wearing, but I just can't see it when I examine my body in the privacy of my bathroom when no one is around.  I'm still a very large person.

I wonder when I'm no longer large-ish will I see it?  Will I quit feeling like the fat lady when I'm just right again? Or will this just stay with me because it's become a part of who I am inside?  I shared this with my wonderful trainer tonight because it bugs me sometimes that I can't see it the way others do.  It bothers me that my "issues" with myself hurt some because it's a personal thing for me and I don't mean for it to hurt anyone.  I truly can't help how I see myself, and whether anyone believes me or not I do try very hard to work on these issues.

So for now, I live in this fat lady body with the fat lady in my head.  I wonder if she'll disappear when I'm no longer fat.  If she does, who will take her place?  Will I like that person?  Will she still be me?  Will I lose who I am inside these layers of lard or will my heart and soul still be the same when the fat is gone?  I'm changing a lot for better or worse.  I hope I will like me down the road, and I hope those who know me will still love me and be able to accept me whoever it is- fat lady or something else.

R :)

first BMI goal accomplished

I know this is a little thing- just another of my many little goals, but it's HUGE to me (no pun intended). :)

To be "just" obese, your BMI has to be 39.9.  I hit that mark today! :)  This makes me so happy- I'm only obese now instead of "morbidly obese."  I look forward to the day when those words will officially leave my medical records as a current condition.  I know it will never leave my historical records, but with God's help, it will be removed from all descriptions of current conditions/problems and no doctor will speak about me with those terms again or look at me that way.  I will never have to have the doctor make a comment about "getting to the frig faster" or any other number of things I have heard over the years.

I can't wait for that day!

R :)

100

I am hesitant to say it out loud.  I haven't made a big deal about it and probably won't for lots of reasons.

I don't actually know my heaviest weight ever because I quit letting the doctor's office weigh me out of shame at my huge-ness.

I'm really proud & really not proud (YES, BOTH) of losing 100 pounds- geesh, that's approaching what a small, fit adult weighs.

It's great that I've lost that weight, but it's awful that I ever weighed that much to start with.

To go around telling people "I've lost 100 pounds" would 1) be looking for pats on the back, and I am NOT doing this for anyone but me and 2) would be telling the rest of the world, "Look at what a fat cow I was, now I'm just a less fat cow."  Yeah, I'm not into that.

But, here it is anyway- in spite of myself.  I have been holding right around the 100 pounds from my heaviest recorded weight mark for about a week or so now.  It's hard to believe.  It was more work than anyone knows.

I can't believe I'm going to say this either but 100 more and I'll be just about, almost to a good weight for me.  I can't imagine how that will feel or look.  It's scary but exciting.

R :)

Please don't assume

Assumptions- you know what they say about assuming.  I kind of think it's true!

As a morbidly obese person I see/hear/get a lot of them.  I watch other fat folks get the "treatment" too, and I hurt for them.  From work to the gym to public places and, though they mean well, even friends and family.  People see a grossly fat person and make a lot of assumptions.  I think it's human nature.  I am sure I've been guilty of making assumptions about people too based on outward appearances.  I think it's hard to not do so.  I get that.

But as I always told my daughter, "Just because your brain thinks it, doesn't mean your mouth has to say it."

People assume if you're extremely fat:

• you eat bad food all the time
• you never eat healthy things
• you don't do any exercise or that it's not possible you're physically active
• you sit around and watch t.v. all the time
• you're lazy
• you're stupid
• you have no hearing or no feelings if you do hear (or they just don't care how their comments feel to you if you do hear)
• you're "jolly"- yes, people really do think that but that's another blog post some other time perhaps

I cannot tell you how truly shocked some intelligent, well-meaning people I have worked with and even family members have been when they have seen what I eat on a regular basis.  I have heard, "Oh, you eat that?!?"  I even heard once, "Wow, you actually eat healthily."  Yes, imagine that, a lard-butt person could actually make wise choices and eat well and still be fat.  

For the record, yes, I used to eat way too much fast food- I joke that one butt cheek is Big Macs and the other is french fries.  I'm not proud of it, but it's true- I'm sure that my fast food days are part of why I'm larger than the Goodyear Blimp.  While that's true, it's NOT true that I never ate healthily.  I have always also eaten lots of healthy foods.

People are shocked when they hear/see/find out that I go to the gym faithfully.  I can always tell who is new at the gym we go to;  they're the ones whose faces seem shocked to see the elephant on the elliptical or compliment me when they come to Zumba for the first time and see how "good" the fat lady in the back is doing.  Never mind that I've been coming to Zumba since May. 

I watch VERY VERY little television- actually watch, probably none.  The tube is on at my house in the evenings, but I'm always doing something and not actually watching.  I could be more described as loosely listening to the telly while I am doing something else- grading papers, writing lesson plans, crocheting something or doing some other something with my hands.

And on that note, I am FAR from lazy.  I don't actually know how to sit still and just do nothing.  When we go on hiking trips, I take things with me to keep me busy in the car, in the hotel, in the tent- yarn, books, projects, something.  I cannot just relax and do nothing- not in my abilities one bit.  So the whole fat person=lazy person- just not true either.

I am not the world's brightest person for sure, but I'm not ignorant either.  Just in case you didn't know, a person's gut or butt size doesn't equal their IQ.   I just saw a post on the web this morning making fun of someone in a high government position because of their obesity saying how they couldn't possibly be trusted to make good decisions or be a good analyst or advisor just because they were grossly obese.  Oh, that just makes me so angry inside

The last two really strike at the core of me the most probably.  Obese people have feelings like everyone else.  We get tired of being the "butt" of people's jokes (pardon the awful pun).  We get tired of the stares and the pointing and the faces and the rude comments.  We see and hear them all and they strike at the heart of us just like they would you.  They follow us long after you've said them and moved on and forgotten us.  They go with us and haunt and hurt us and do their damage when we're no longer thought about by you.  You may see a fat person as jolly, maybe that's because we hide our hurt behind the jokes.  Or maybe that's because we've learned to be kind to others and make others laugh because we don't want to be that kind of hurt in the world.  

I just know I'm tired of assuming people who see me and think I'm just a big, bumbling, dumb, lard-eating, fat lazy-ass. 

I am a big fat, intelligent woman who works hard all day long teaching your children to read, add, subtract, tell time, write, understand the world they live in and helping them grow up to be kind and caring human beings in a world full of ugliness.  I then take my fat self to the gym daily and work it out HARD five-six days a week for an hour or more at a time (with a trainer, on my own, in Zumba and water aerobics classes) before going home and preparing a healthy, well rounded, low fat, high nutrient meal for my husband, son and self.  Then I move on to the stack of school work and household chores I have to tackle before falling into bed at a late hour to repeat it all the next day.

Do me a favor will you?  Get to know a person- any person before you assume anything about them. Find out who they are on the inside.  Walk a mile with them before you judge them.  Or how about just not judging them at all?

Goals/Milestones

I hesitate to post this.  Some of it is silly, really silly.  Much of it is extremely personal.  Some of it I don't want to share with anyone; I want to keep some things to myself.  I don't expect anyone to understand some of these; they truly are corny I know.  But they are mine and they make sense to me.

As I started this journey I had lots of things I wanted to see/do/happen.  Some I thought could become reality.  Others I thought would be nice but didn't hold my breath.  Then there were some goals I wished for but didn't think I could do.  As I work my way to a healthier weight, some of these have happened, are close to happening or maybe will someday.  I'm also going to have to put some of these to the side or change my goals.  I'm learning to be okay with all of that too.  All the blue goals have been accomplished.

Specific weight goals-

• weigh less than 300 pounds
• long term- weigh less than 200 pounds
• lose 100 pounds
• Now I'm thinking about the possibility of me losing 200 pounds (that's a VERY recent thing for me)

Clothes-

• Drop ___ pant sizes
• Drop to a size ___
• Be able to close my jacket/sweater
• Buy new clothes because I have "ungrown" my clothes instead of outgrown
• Be able to buy clothes in a "regular person" store (Walmart, Target, Kohl's)
• buy new underwear (going to do that this weekend!) :)

Little things that you might not think of

• have my car door ajar light go off when I sit in the car instead of always being on because my big hips are in the way
• be able to fit into the chairs at the doctor's office
• be able to fit into public seating at the ballpark/theater/etc.
• someday be able to ride carnival rides with my niece and future grandkids
• be able to sit on the floor with my students again for storytime or to play a game

Exercise goals- Really, these are all things I have added as I worked with my trainer and realized that I could really do more than I knew!  I never even knew I could do a lot of this!

• be able to do 100 situps/crunches
• be able to do pushups
• be able to run (I have to let this one go due to serious arthritis and future knee replacements)
• being able to plank & side plank for more than 1 minute (who knew I could do that?)
• being able to workout in classes with other fit/more fit people & not be a total embarrassment to myself
• have some coordination
• dance with at least some level of decent balance/footwork/grace- not ever going to be amazing, but I'd love to not look a fool :)

"Motivation"

A while back someone told me, "Isn't it wonderful that you're finally motivated?" referring to my weight loss success.  I know it was one of those well-meaning kinds of comments, but it bothered me.  I can't speak for anyone else.  I only know my own history and where I'm trying to get to now.

Motivation- what is it exactly?  What is it not?

The dictionary says it is a lack of interest or enthusiasm in something.  The thesaurus lists these words as synonyms:  apathetic, indifferent, lazy, unambitious, uninspiring, unmoved.

While I won't lie and say I was motivated enough to stick with the hard times, my obesity was certainly not a result of me being apathetic, indifferent or unmoved.  I never lacked interest in being healthier.  To me the word "unmotivated" implies being lazy.  I am a lot of things, but I don't think lazy would be one of the words anyone who knows me would use to describe me.   I had three children in three years while I was earning my bachelor's degree and carried a good GPA too.  I have worked full & part time jobs and most of my summers "off" were spent working in daycares, babysitting, or tutoring.  I've served as Mom's Taxi for years and years and am always finding some project to do for someone; in fact my family teases me about how I can never just sit still and do "nothing" like watch t.v. or a movie.   I am always doing something- constantly!

I have always cared more than anyone knew about my weight, about being heavy/fat/obese/morbidly obese.  I have always wanted it to be different, to do something about it, to fix it, to be the thin person I once was.  I have tried many, many times to go to the gym, to walk, to change my food habits, to do all the right things I knew to do.  But when the hard times came, and they did, I couldn't find my way through it.  It was never about motivation, but more about discouragement and not believing in myself that made me lose step with the long-term goal.  It was more about putting everyone else first and myself not even making the list.

Now I've been working for eighteen months in the gym, the longest I've ever stuck with an exercise program.  It's part of my life now.  I could stop tomorrow; it wouldn't be that hard.  Life is busy for everyone, including me.  Going to the gym, sweating, working out, those things are not easy- whether you're fat or thin, in shape or out- working out is HARD WORK!!!!  I'll never be able to take a break from that.  I know this is a life long battle that I will have to stick with to maintain the successes I've had and the ones that are yet to come.

But the success I've had so far is not because I'm suddenly this wonderfully motivated person.  It's because day-in & day-out I keep exercising and doing what I need to do.  Some days I am motivated and want to go to the gym, looking forward to the good feelings I'll have and the pride I feel in myself.  Other days I have to make myself go to the gym because I know it's the right thing to do or because I can't let a day's laziness undo all my hard work.  I know that one day of laziness leads to two, then to three.....  My weight loss is because I work VERY HARD and put in a lot of time and effort.  I am dedicated to making changes and accomplishing my goals.  I guess that's what some people call motivation, but to me, it's not some cliche word.  It's a hard, effort-ful thing.  If it were only as easy as "just being motivated" everyone would lose weight!

Okay, I'm done with my soapbox for tonight.

R :)

Sara Bareilles - Brave

I love this song but maybe even more the video.  The "fat" dude and the gym guy are my personal heroes.

The words of this song have been speaking to my heart since the first time I heard it, and I keep thinking about them.  I wish I were brave in this way, and maybe that's what this writing should be about.

The parts of this song that speak to me the most...

"You can be the outcast or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love..."

"Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do when they settle 'neath your skin, kept on the inside & no sunlight..."

"Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in."

I've been working so very hard for the last couple years on getting out of the cage I found myself in- mentally & physically.  It's not easy work and it won't be over for a long time, if ever.  I think of that part almost every day when I am in the gym- my fat butt riding the bike, working the elliptical, dancing the moves in Zumba, sweating with my trainer- it's all me trying to break out of the physical cage I put myself in.  Mentally, well that's a whole 'nother Oprah (as I like to say), but I try. I have glimpses of light shining down on me and then I smile a little.  It's enough to hold me over.

And as for being brave, well I'm not but I'm trying to be.  I'm going to keep trying to put this all into words and "say what I want to say.

R :)

Power of Words

Obese.

It's just a word.

But oh, the power of that one five-letter word.

There are a lot of words used to describe people's weight.  One might be chubby, plump, big-boned, full-figured, heavy, overweight, or even fat.  None of them carry the stigma that obese does.  I've been thin, "just right" and every shade of chubby, overweight, full-figured and fat that there is, and obesity is the most shameful of them all.  People don't generally take photos of a chubby person's backside.  Folks don't usually point and laugh at a person who's a few pounds overweight.  But somehow, for some reason that I just have never comprehended, if you're obese it's like you lose all your human-ness and your own sense of identity.  You don't have feelings or deserve the same basic respect that everyone else on the planet does.  I've seen it happen to others, and I've had it happen to me more than you might think.  I've been told, "Oh, they're not laughing at you.  You're too sensitive.  People don't look at you like that; they see your beautiful smile or your pretty face..."  Mmhm... believe what you want if it makes you feel better.  Until you walk around in public in size 5x clothes, you don't know.

I remember when I saw that word in association with my own health.  "Morbid obesity."  Not just obese- but morbidly so.  That hurt more than I can ever describe.  I felt such shame and humiliation. As I walked out of the doctor's office, my eyes glued to the ground it was all I could do to hold the tears in until I got to my car.  I never told my family- not even my best friend/husband about it.  Of course he knows that I am morbidly obese, but I never could bear to tell him what those black letters on the paper said.  I crumpled it up and hid it somewhere no one would find it.

After years and years of being a morbid person- a huge blob of lard walking around on two legs, I still feel that way when I see that word on my medical charts.  Being morbidly obese is not something that just happens to you (at least not that I'm aware), but in my case, anyway, it is something I did to myself.  I am so ashamed of that.  I am pretty damn angry with myself for doing this to my body- one that was at one time young, pretty thin, and not too bad looking.  I can never get that back.  Even if I am able to lose most or all of the weight- I'm ruined and can never get back what I had.  You just don't know how mad that makes me at myself.

Feeling that way about myself already, it only gets compounded a million times over when I go out in public and have to face the stares, the rude looks, the comments, laughter or people taking a photo of my butt like I'm some circus sideshow freak.  There was a time just a couple years ago when I realized that I was letting myself stay in the house more and more because of this.  I realized that I was not going to the grocery store or Walmart or pretty much anywhere except work and church because I was so ashamed of myself and didn't want to subject myself to ridicule or my husband and kids to the embarrassment of being seen with someone as disgusting as me.  That's when I made a decision to do something about it.  That was the beginning of my journey to lose the blob that I've become.

I've come a long way, but I still have a very long way to go.  I'm still a blob of goo- just less of one. I'm still fighting a hard fight on a daily basis.  I will never be the pretty young lady I once was, but I will live to be older.  I will be healthier.  I will not be an embarrassment to myself or those around me.  I will live to see those words-morbid obesity- taken off my medical charts. That is good enough for me.

R :)

Beginnings

I don't know if I'll even share this, how I might share this or who will read what I have to say, but I want to say that I am NOT writing this for attention, not for sympathy, for praise (NO! NO! NO!), for anyone's approval or any reason that has to do with anyone outside of myself.  I want to reflect, to remember, to think "out loud" as I journal my experiences.

If someone sees this and it can be an encouragement that'd be nice, but I don't expect too many people to ever even see this or really, even, for anyone to understand where I'm coming from.  It's just a journal.  If you read this, please remember that these are my own feelings and experiences.  I am far, far from perfect and have made a lot of bad choices for which I am now paying the price.  I deserve what I get to some degree or another I am sure, and I'm trying so very hard to not bellyache about it. I'm not going to whine here or complain (I hope!), but I am going to share some things that I have experienced and felt.

'Nuf said.

Who am I?  -  A wife, a very proud mom of  three young adult children, a teacher ("school mom") of a lot of truly wonderful children.  I try to live the way God would want me to.  I am 43 years old for a few more weeks.  I am a transplanted Midwesterner now living in central North Carolina. That about sums me up.

What I am trying to do?- Lose a buttload of weight (quite literally) and maintain a healthier life-long weight.  Stay healthy and grow as old as the Lord will let me.  I want to be able to see any grandkids I might be blessed with grow up.  I want my grandkids someday to not be made fun of because of me like my own kids were.  I want to be able to do things, go places, have adventures, and see things that I might not if I stayed obese.

Where am I at in this goal- down 95 pounds (maybe more?) from my heaviest ever weight.  Down 60 pounds from the day I first stepped into the gym May 4, 2013.  More on that some other time.

Guess that will do for now.

R :)

Mild-mannered teacher ten months of the year, but in summer, he's "Plaster Man," hero to his wife! :)

We are killing the painting/cleaning/renewing process and as Rob said, "We are turning this from 'the house we bought' to 'our home.'"  True, oh so true.   It took us a very long time to buy our first home, but we are so thankful for it and for the opportunity to take care of it and refresh it.  No longer all one color! :) Yay!

hodge podge

It's been a roller coaster week.

Enjoying time with my hubby so much.  I love him bunches!!!

We made supper together Tuesday night- I made a Cobb salad for us both and he made a loaf of whole wheat bread.  Oh supper was soooo yummy.  He scored us free tickets to the ballgame so we headed off to the ballpark afterwards.  That was fun, and corny as it sounds I enjoyed running to the car in heavy rain and getting soaked afterwards.  I felt kind of like a kid again. :)

My mom had a heart procedure on Wednesday morning.  It is more hard than I can say to not be there, and the guilt and desire to be there, well it just tears me up.  Trying to be where I am, and let the past go- I can't be there anymore, it is not the same and never will be again.  Can't change that, time to just move on.  In the middle of a little cry on Rob's shoulders about that, I got word that a cousin had been killed in an automobile accident.  Just no words.

I had already promised my daughter I would do a sleepover with her that evening and we had made plans to go to Ikea together with her best friend/my "fake" daughter as I call her.  I didn't want to disappoint the girls so I sucked it up and went on with life though my heart wasn't really in it.

I'd never been to Ikea so I had to try the famous meatballs. :) Yum!  Loved the lingonberry sauce too!

Another happy for this week was finishing the kitchen painting. This color turned out soooo pretty!  Rob and I are very pleased with it!  He finished up the deep cleaning while I was out with the girls too which was so nice for me. :)

 I'm going to try my hand at curtain making I think and make curtains for the kitchen too.  And I ordered prints of photos today for the kitchen- of flowers, the mountains, streams...  Going to get frames and put them up soon.  I found a pretty round white kitchen table and chair set at Ikea that was not a bad price at all. We may do that when school starts.  

I have been having a lot of sleep issues and nightmares/bad dreams again so last night when I couldn't sleep I just worked on learning to do a granny square.  My first attempt turned out to be more of a granny circle but I'm happy with it for a first attempt. I'll get it figured out!

We worked on turning Barbara's old room into our office/craft room this May/June.  This chair is my new addition thanks to money/gift cards from some of my students.  I found it on sale at a furniture store and only had to kick in $30 bucks for it!  It's very pretty; it blends all the colors of the room- green/grey/brown.  I can't wait to sit in there and read/crochet on a rainy day soon!!!  We're going to put some prints my pop gave us up in this area- prints of Quad City sights by a QC painter.

The stairs are finally painted too after all this time living here.  The walls are disgusting, but that is going to change in the not-too-far future.  We picked up paint swatches today to figure out that.  

stuff it all down

That's what I am doing. I want to be numb because not being numb hurts too much today.

Crochet Success! :)

So one week ago I picked up crochet hook and yarn, and started learning (thanks to a class I bought on Craftsy!!!) to crochet.  I have gone from this last Saturday/Sunday...

to this, this weekend/today.  I finished my first real project- an infinity scarf for my daughter.  She picked out the yarn and let me "practice" with hers.  I figured if it was horrible I could rip it out and start over.  She picked out a gorgeously soft and pretty yarn!

 Oh the colors are so pretty- greens, blues, purples, cream all mixed into a pretty, variegated rainbow.  And oh so soft!  She liked it too, so that's awesome! Not bad for a week's learning/practice!  I have definitely found my new quickie evening hobby!

Fighting For My Life

I know everyone has regrets; I don't think I'm unique or special in that way.

Just as everyone has their own particular wishes to change the past, I have thought a lot on my life so far.  I used to think I'd change things financially or make different choices about my parenting.  As a teacher, you always think of things you'd do differently if given the chance and hindsight....  But this last year, I have come to the conclusion that if given the opportunity to go back and fix something, there is one and only one thing I'd change.  I'd willingly do the rest of my silliness and stupidity all over if I could just undo the obesity.  Oh, how I wish I could rewind these pounds, the fat, the hurt, the self-hate that put it there, and the health things that I have to deal with now because of them.

I know I can't.  I am trying SO HARD to stay focused on the positive and keep moving forward.  Most days I can do that and even pretty well, if I do say so myself. :)  But if I am being honest, I am in excruciating pain and that is making it hard.  Man, am I mad at myself!  SO sick of this fat girl who ruined herself!  I keep punishing her in the gym, telling her and her damn hips and bat-wing arms and hideous ass to die, but she is starting to fight back now.  This fight is getting ugly now.  The scale won't move even though I work hard and faithfully.  I am having to up the anty and work more/harder.  I am reevaluating everything I'm doing to see if I'm not doing something right or need to make more changes.  Went out and bought a food scale today even though I measure and am pretty good about food now; maybe I'm fooling myself or not being as accurate as I think I am.  I have to do something so I'll add that to my battle strategies.

If there is anyone reading this who is fighting this battle and is younger, I here is what I'd say thing to you- DO NOT hate yourself! DO NOT give up on yourself!  Your body will pay you back and it will be painful, ugly, and very, very retaliating if you don't do it now.  I know how hard it is, but you are worth fighting for.  Don't pay attention to the people who stare, laugh, say ugly things, smirk.... Don't look in the mirror and think you're not worth it.  Don't give up and say it's too late.  Ignore the well-meaning people who try to encourage you and tell you what you should or should not do.  Just do what you can, move and listen to your own body.

And to myself, I guess I have to say this too... Rebekah, do not give up on yourself.  It isn't coming off as fast as you and others might like.  Right now, it isn't coming off at all, but it will eventually get better.  In the last two years you've lost 75 pounds (or more) and kept it off which is not something you've ever done before.  That should count for something!   In the mean time, you are working harder, doing things you couldn't do a year ago or even a few months ago.  You can swim longer, ride the bike harder, do more weights/reps, and can do lots of exercises you couldn't even do at all a year ago.  You can do the elliptical!!! Girl, you couldn't even go a minute on that last July!!!  You worked up the courage to go to exercise classes. You flipping starting going to Zumba with a bunch of smaller/younger people and don't walk out even though you're embarrassed and look silly.  You sucked it up and went to water class even though you hate being the new kid and hate being in social settings.  You fought through the anxiety to do those things.  You did that!!!  Not with any one's help either- no Rob, no friends, no family, no one- just you!  Do you hear me?!?!  You will get through this, knees and all the rest.  You will show the rest of them just what you are made of.

If "this Rebekah" could talk to the one hidden inside me, the real me that I don't let anyone see, this is what I'd say.

Summer Fun

Back at home and enjoying time with my family and starting to put the house back in order after two years of grad school!  In that time, two of our kids moved out as well so we're finally going to be doing things to the hosue we've been talking about and wanting to do.

Our oldest with his first surf-fishing rod.  He's soooo excited and even caught a black-tipped shark on his first surf fishing expedition! :)

Our dog and Robert's dog waiting for Robert to come back.  Awwww..

Rob and I took our first camping trip of the summer to Hanging Rock.

Fun with two of the Thomas' family on the 4th!

Oh, how I love this young man!!!!

Robert and the dogs were tired I think! :)  hehehehe

I've been wanting to learn to crochet for years; didn't think I was smart enough...  I finally have time to sit down and work on it, and with the help of a video class, I'm getting it.  This is my first swatch! I did my first dishrag today, and it's sooooo much better- better gauge, better stitches, smoother!!! Yay!

When we bought our first home a few years ago, there was old nasty wallpaper under the chair rail in the kitchen and a border on top.  We had to pull the wallpaper off the bottom because it was peeling off and looked bad, but we never had the time or money to paint.  We kept talking about it, but then I got in the math program and was too busy, and then started working on my  master's....  Finally we are starting!  Here is the first section of the kitchen done today- before and after.  I'm so happy!

Summer Part 3- Monticello

We stopped at Monticello as our last stop from Illinois to NC.  Another place I've always wanted to go but never thought I'd get to.  I could hardly stand it to be standing "at the place on the nickel" as my firsties would say! :)  Learned a great deal too that I did not know so this was AWESOME!!!  Rob got a lot of new info, photos and things he can use in class!

Summer Part 2- "slight detour" through Gettysburg

My dear hubby answered my need to be a little "spontaneous" and we took the long way home through Ohio and Pennsylvania so I could see new parts of the world and drive through Gettysburg!  

This storm was fun to watch develop, though it ended up bringing several tornadoes to Indy while we were driving through.

Coming into the gorgeous mountains in PA!!!!!

Gettysburg- What a moving place is all I can say.  I am so glad we went even though we couldn't really afford to do much or stay long, it was a place I've always wanted to stand.  Much more moving than I knew, and I understand the battle itself much more now!

 This had the Gettysburg address on it!